Some Dog Owners with Jokes Some People with Jokes


Some Dog Owners with Jokes

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This programme contains some strong language.

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I took Alfie to the pub yesterday and as I walked up to the bar

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I noticed there was a couple of pieces of meat nailed to the bar.

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I said, "What's that all about?"

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He said, "It's a challenge we're running for dogs. If your dog can

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"jump up and get that meat, he can have it and I have to give you a

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"drink free but, if he tries it and fails, you have to buy me a drink."

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I said, "All right, I'll have a go at that." I said to Alfie, "Go fetch,"

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and he jumps up and grabs these pieces of meat.

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The bartender says, "Well done. Here's your pint."

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I'm drinking my pint and the bartender says, "Your dog's good

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"at this. Shall we try another challenge?" "Yeah, I'm up for that."

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He goes out and comes back with these two juicy pieces of sirloin

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and nails them to the top of the bar. He says, "If your dog can get those,

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"not only does he get the meat but I have to buy you a drink

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"and everybody in the pub has to buy you a drink, but, if he fails,

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"you have to buy everybody in the pub a drink. Are you up for it?"

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I looked at this meat up there and at Alfie, who was very excited,

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and I looked around and the place was full of people, this pub.

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And I just turned around to the bartender and said,

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"Sorry, mate. Can't do it. The steaks are too high."

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LAUGHTER

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon bar in the old West,

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he sidles up to the bar and says to the bartender,

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"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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LAUGHTER

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There's a minivan full of nuns, crashes - all the nuns die.

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Terrible.

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They go to heaven and they wait at the gates and St Peter goes,

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"I've got to ask you all one question and then the gates will open and you can go in."

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He goes, "Have you ever touched a willy?"

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"Yeah, I touched a willy with this finger."

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"Put your finger in the holy water, you'll be cleansed."

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The gates open, she goes through.

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The second one, "Have you touched a man's willy?"

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"Yes. I once touched...held it in my hand."

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"Put your hand in the water, you'll be cleansed."

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The gates open, she goes through.

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There's a big kerfuffle at the back of the line and St Peter goes, "What's going on back there?"

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"I'm not going to wash my mouth out after she's put her bum in the water."

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LAUGHTER

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I popped into the doctor's the other week for my annual check-up.

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He said, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

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I said, "Oh, why's that?"

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"Cos I'm trying to examine you."

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He didn't like that.

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There's a husband and wife and they're in the bedroom.

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And the husband is terminally ill and he's laying there

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and he's going in and out of consciousness.

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His wife's sitting on the bed and she's just patting his hand,

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and as he comes round, he looks up at her and says,

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"Darling, I've got to tell you something now.

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"I really, genuinely don't know if you'll ever forgive me

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"but I've got to tell you."

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She said, "What is it, darling?"

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He said, "I've slept with your sister."

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She said, "I know. It's OK. Just rest."

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A few minutes later he goes back off and comes back around.

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There his wife is again and he says, "Oh, darling,

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"I'm afraid I've slept with your other sister."

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She said, "It's OK, babe," and she's patting his hand.

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And he drifts off again, then he comes back round again

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and he looks up and thinks to himself, thank God she's still there.

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He said, "Darling, I've got to tell you this and I don't think

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"you'll ever forgive me." She said, "What is it, darling?"

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He said, "I've slept with your mum."

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She went, "I know, darling. Why do you think I fucking poisoned you?"

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LAUGHTER

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A retired couple, a middle-aged couple and a young married couple

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all went to their local church to see if they could join.

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They saw the vicar and he said, "I would love to accept you

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"but you've all got to go two weeks without sex.

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"After the two weeks, come back and see me."

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After two weeks, the retied couple went back

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and the vicar said, "How did you get on?"

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"No problem. No problem at all."

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"OK, you can join."

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The middle-aged couple, he said, "How did you get on?"

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"A bit hard for the first day or two but after that no problem."

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He got to the young married couple and said, "How did you get on?"

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"We were doing all right until my wife dropped the paint." "What do you mean, dropped the paint?"

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"She bent over and my lust took over and, wallop, that was it."

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The vicar went, "That's disgusting. You're banned."

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The young fella went, "That's what the manager of B&Q said."

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LAUGHTER

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There's a guy doing his accounts at the end of the month

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and he's distraught. He turns to his wife and says,

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"We've had it. We're spiralling downhill at the speed of light.

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"I can't work any harder. What are we going to do?

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"You're going to have to go on the streets." "I couldn't possibly."

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"Why not?" "I'd be terrified."

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"Don't worry, I'll drop you off at the corner of the street

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"and I'll park around the corner by Millennium Point.

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"If you've got any questions, pop round and you'll be safe."

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Within minutes some guy came up and hopped in the car and said, "Are you ready for business?

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She said, "Yeah." "How much is it?"

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"Hang on." She nips round to her husband's car and knocks the window.

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"I've got a punter. How much is it?" He says, "Tell him £40."

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She goes back to the car and says, "£40."

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"I've only got £20. What can I have for that?"

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She goes to her husband's car. He says, "What?"

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"He's only got £20. What can he have for that?"

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"Tell him he can have some light relief."

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She goes back and says, "Light relief." "That'll do."

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He opens himself up and she looks and says, "Hang on."

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Nips back to the car, knocks the car. "What now?"

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"Can you lend him £20?"

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LAUGHTER

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There's a French poodle and a collie walking down the road.

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The French poodle turns to the collie and says,

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"My life's a mess, my owner's horrible, my wife's gone off

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"with a German shepherd and I'm as nervous as a cat."

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The collie turns to the poodle and says, "Why don't you go and see a psychiatrist?"

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The poodle says, "I would, but I'm not allowed on the couch."

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LAUGHTER

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A man wanders into a pub and takes three ducks with him.

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He puts them on the counter, asks for a pint of beer, and then nips to the toilet.

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The barman decides he'd better make conversation with these ducks

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so he says to the first one,

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"What's your name and what sort of day have you had?"

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He said, "I'm Huey and I've had a lovely day.

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"It's been raining all day and I've been in and out of puddles."

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He says to the second one, "What's your name?"

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"I'm Dewey and I've had a lovely day.

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"I've been in and out of puddles as well."

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So he turns to the third duck and says, "You must be Louie."

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The duck says, "No, I'm Puddles, and you don't want to know

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"what sort of day I've had."

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LAUGHTER

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So I went to my GP again the other day and said,

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"Doctor, it's terrible.

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"Yesterday I woke up thinking I was a wigwam.

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"This morning, I woke up thinking I was a tepee. What do you think's wrong?"

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And he said, "Well, obviously, you're obviously just two tents."

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LAUGHTER

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There is this very fat lady that one day,

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she decides to lose weight because she met the man of her life.

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So she goes to her GP and tells him, you know,

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"I really, really want to get in shape.

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"I want to lose at least 50 kilos.

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"Um, please help me, help me, help me."

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So the GP says to her, "Don't worry, there is an innovative slimming diet.

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"All you need to do is rather than eating the food from your mouth,

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"you eat it from the behind."

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The lady, she's a bit perplexed, said,

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"Never heard of this before but I'll try."

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So two months later, she goes back to the GP, really in shape,

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very slim, and she sits by the doctor and she keep doing this,

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and they start having a conversation about her health issues

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and at the end, she keeps doing this and the GP asks her,

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"You know, I'm really happy that you have been losing

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"so much weight but I would like to ask you one question.

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"Why you keep doing this all the time?" She smiles.

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"Oh, you know, I'm just eating a chewing gum."

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LAUGHTER

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There's a jockey at Ascot and he says to the owner,

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"How do you want me to ride the horse?"

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He says, "Hold him back until we get to the last furlong."

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So he holds the horse back and they're going through the last furlong

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and a chicken drumstick hits him in the ear.

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He thought, "What the hell is that?"

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Next thing he knows, he's hit by a lump of salmon.

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"What's going on here?" The last thing that hits him is a bottle of champagne.

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Knocks him right off the horse

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The owner said, "What happened at the last furlong?" He says, "I was hampered in the last furlong."

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LAUGHTER

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A few years ago, my dad was taken ill and he had to go into a care home

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because we couldn't manage with him at home.

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So after a week, the manager rang me up and she said, "Oh, Frances.

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"Your dad's like a fish out of water." I said, "What do you mean?

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"Isn't he making friends? Is he being cantankerous?

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"She said, "No, he's dead."

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LAUGHTER

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Mrs Pullett had a conversation with a young girl.

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The young girl said to Mrs Pullett,

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"Why does your son keep cluck-cluck-clucking?"

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Mrs Pullett says, "Because he thinks he's a chicken."

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So the girl says, "Don't you think you ought to tell him he's not a chicken?"

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And she says, "No. We need the eggs."

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LAUGHTER

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Two sausages in a frying pan and one sausage turns to the other

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and says, "Goodness me! It's hot in here."

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And the other one says, "Goodness me, a talking sausage!"

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LAUGHTER

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A family sitting around a table and the dad -

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he's got the kids a bit of venison, a bit of deer.

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So he says - he doesn't tell them what it is and he says,

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"Have a look at this, kids. This is a...

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"Have a try of it, see if you like it and see

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"if you can guess what it's called. I'll give you a clue.

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"It's what Mummy calls me", thinking "dear".

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The little girl looks at him and thinks, then she...sudden...

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Surprise comes over her face. "Don't eat it! It's a fucking arsehole!"

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LAUGHTER

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There was an old man driving down a very long, windy road.

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All of a sudden - BUMP!

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He hits something, so he gets out of his car.

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He goes round to the front and goes, "Oh! Oh, my God.

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"I've hit the Easter Bunny. I've killed him.

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"What am I going to do?" The man was absolutely mortified.

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Anyway, about five minutes later,

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a lovely young blonde lady arrives in a white Ferrari.

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She gets out of the car and says, "What's the problem? What's happened?"

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So the man turns around and says, "I've killed the Easter Bunny.

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"What am I going to do?" She says, "Hah! Leave it with me."

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She goes back to her car, opens the door,

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pulls out a can, sprays the bunny all over.

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Steps back and all of a sudden, the bunny jumps up.

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He shakes himself off and runs about 10m down the road,

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turns round and waves and then he runs another 10m down the road,

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turns round and waves again.

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And he kept doing this until the couple just couldn't see him any more.

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The old man turns round to the very pretty blonde girl and says,

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"Wow! That was amazing. What on Earth was that?"

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She said, "Well, it's just hare spray.

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"It revitalises hare and gives an everlasting wave!"

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LAUGHTER

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A blonde goes into a garage in an SLK230 and all of a sudden,

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the engine died, so, vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! It wouldn't start.

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Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Wouldn't start.

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She goes in the shop, sent the mechanic out.

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The mechanic lifts the hood and has a fiddle.

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Within a couple of minutes, the car's running very, very sweetly.

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So he says, "There you go." She says, "All right, what's the tale?"

0:12:080:12:11

He says, "Crap in the carburettor." She says, "How often do you want me to do that?"

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LAUGHTER

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A man was driving home from work one day.

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He looked in the mirror, saw a police car. Nee-naw! Nee-naw! Nee-naw!

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Thought, "No! What on Earth has happened now?!"

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Pulls into the hard shoulder, policeman comes along.

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"Wind your window down." Window goes down. "Excuse me, sir.

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"I've every reason to believe that you have been drinking.

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"And not only that, you're having oral sex with a duck."

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"Now don't be so ridiculous, sir.

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"I haven't been drinking, I wasn't having oral sex with a duck."

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"Sorry. Step out of the car, sir.

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"I need you to blow into the bag." "OK, officer.

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"I'll blow into the bag."

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LAUGHTER

0:12:590:13:02

I took Alfie down to the bar yesterday and I went up

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and ordered a drink and the bartender gives me a pint

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and he puts down a bowl of nuts on the bar.

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Anyway, I'm sitting there, quietly drinking my pint

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and all of a sudden, I hear this female voice going,

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"You look really nice tonight." Looked around, I thought,

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"Nobody here." Looked down at Alfie, no - obviously nothing.

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So I carried on drinking and this female voice says again,

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"I really like that shirt of yours." What's going on here?

0:13:280:13:31

This is mad. Anyway, so I thought, I'll go over

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and put some music on and that'll sort it out.

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So I go to the jukebox, take Alfie over and I'm looking at the music like this

0:13:360:13:40

and I hear this man's voice saying, "You are ugly." I looked round.

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Nobody. So I thought, carry on looking at the music.

0:13:440:13:47

This man's voice again, turns round and says, "Your breath stinks."

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And I'm thinking, this is ridiculous. So I go to the bartender and say to the bartender,

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"This is mad. One minute I'm stood there and there's a woman's voice telling me really nice things

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"and then there's this bloke's voice telling me horrible things. What's going on?"

0:13:580:14:02

"Oh, sorry. I should've said - whilst the nuts are complimentary, the jukebox is just out of order."

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LAUGHTER

0:14:080:14:10

On a recent flight back from New York with my daughter,

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we were about four hours over the Atlantic

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and the pilot came on the tannoy and he said, "I don't wish to

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"alarm you, ladies and gentlemen but we have lost power in an engine.

0:14:210:14:25

"But it's not a problem. It just means it's going to add 30 minutes to our flight."

0:14:250:14:29

My daughter looked at her watch and rolled her eyes.

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Anyway, about an hour later, the pilot came back on and he said,

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"We've lost power in a second engine but don't worry.

0:14:350:14:38

"It just means it's going to add 30 minutes to the flight."

0:14:380:14:41

My daughter looked at her watch again She's like, "Tut!" An hour later,

0:14:410:14:46

the pilot came back on and he said, "Please don't be alarmed.

0:14:460:14:50

"We've lost power in the third engine.

0:14:500:14:53

"That just means it's going to add a further half-hour to the flight."

0:14:530:14:56

My daughter looked at her watch, rolled her eyes and said, "Mum, you do realise, if we lose power in

0:14:560:15:01

"the fourth engine, we're going to be we're going to be up here all night!"

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LAUGHTER

0:15:040:15:08

A long-distance lorry driver, been on the road for a couple of weeks,

0:15:080:15:11

pulled into this town. He went to the nearest brothel,

0:15:110:15:14

stuck £300 down on the counter and he said to the madam,

0:15:140:15:17

"Give me your biggest, fattest, ugliest woman

0:15:170:15:20

"and a toasted cheese sandwich."

0:15:200:15:21

She said, "For that money, you can have a beautiful, slim young girl

0:15:210:15:24

"and I'll give you a three-course meal."

0:15:240:15:26

He said, "Madam, I'm not horny. I'm just homesick."

0:15:260:15:29

LAUGHTER

0:15:290:15:32

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.

0:15:320:15:35

One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

0:15:350:15:38

"No, but I've been swung round by the tits a few times."

0:15:380:15:40

LAUGHTER

0:15:400:15:42

What's a short-sighted gynaecologist

0:15:440:15:46

and Sidney the French bulldog got in common?

0:15:460:15:49

They both have wet noses.

0:15:490:15:52

LAUGHTER

0:15:520:15:54

What do you get if you cross a rottweiler with a Labrador?

0:15:540:15:58

A dog that scares the shit out of you,

0:15:580:16:00

then runs away with the toilet roll.

0:16:000:16:01

LAUGHTER

0:16:010:16:03

What's this? "Grr!

0:16:050:16:07

"Grr!

0:16:070:16:08

"Grr!"

0:16:080:16:10

It's a vicious circle.

0:16:100:16:11

LAUGHTER

0:16:110:16:13

What do gay horses eat?

0:16:130:16:15

-CAMPLY:

-"Hey!"

0:16:150:16:17

LAUGHTER

0:16:170:16:20

Two moths on a wall and one says to the other,

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"M'off."

0:16:230:16:25

LAUGHTER

0:16:250:16:27

Why do communists drink herbal tea?

0:16:280:16:30

Because "proper-tea" is theft.

0:16:320:16:33

-MIRA BARKS

-Yes, that's right.

0:16:330:16:35

A man was driving down the motorway one day when, all of a sudden,

0:16:370:16:40

his tyre blew out.

0:16:400:16:42

He walked for a while and found a house to ask for help.

0:16:420:16:45

A lady was at the door with a three-legged pig.

0:16:450:16:49

"How did the pig lose his leg?" the man asked.

0:16:490:16:52

"Well, there was this terrible fire.

0:16:520:16:54

"The pig ran up, woke everyone up and saved them."

0:16:540:16:57

"But how did he lose his leg?", the man asked.

0:16:570:17:00

"This little boy fell through the ice, so the pig ran to the barn,

0:17:000:17:04

"grabbed a rope and pulled the boy out, saving him."

0:17:040:17:07

"But how did he lose his leg?"

0:17:070:17:09

"Well, after he'd done all that, we couldn't eat him all at once!"

0:17:090:17:12

LAUGHTER

0:17:120:17:14

A woman takes her parrot into the vet's.

0:17:160:17:19

She's a bit concerned, cos it's not moving.

0:17:190:17:21

The vet says, "I can tell you straight away

0:17:210:17:23

"that the parrot is dead."

0:17:230:17:25

She goes, "Don't be daft!

0:17:250:17:26

"You can't just tell by looking at it that it's dead.

0:17:260:17:28

"Surely there's some kind of test you could do to see for sure."

0:17:280:17:32

So the vet says, "OK, all right."

0:17:320:17:34

He goes out, comes back in with a Labrador on a lead.

0:17:340:17:37

And the Labrador walked round the table and looked at the parrot.

0:17:370:17:40

He turns round to the vet and goes to the vet...

0:17:400:17:42

And the vet said, "Well, obviously, the parrot is dead,

0:17:440:17:46

"because it's conclusive. The dog can justify that."

0:17:460:17:50

The woman says, "Don't be ridiculous. What kind of test's that?

0:17:500:17:53

"You need to do more tests."

0:17:530:17:54

The vet said, "There is another test, if you hang on a moment."

0:17:540:17:57

He comes back in with a cat in his arms

0:17:570:17:59

and he puts the cat down on the table next to the parrot.

0:17:590:18:02

The cat walks all the way round the parrot

0:18:020:18:04

and sniffs it from head to toe

0:18:040:18:06

and then sniffs it from head to toe again, like a cat does.

0:18:060:18:09

After a few minutes, he looks at the vet and goes...

0:18:090:18:11

And walks out of the room and the vet says,

0:18:120:18:15

"Look, this parrot is definitely dead.

0:18:150:18:16

"We've done all the tests that we can do now."

0:18:160:18:18

She's getting emotional and she starts to leave the vet's.

0:18:180:18:21

Anyway, the vet's receptionist shouts after her and says,

0:18:210:18:24

"Excuse me, miss, that's £500."

0:18:240:18:26

The woman turns round and says, "Don't be ridiculous!

0:18:260:18:29

"£500 just to tell me my parrot's dead?"

0:18:290:18:31

He said, "Let's face it - we did do a lab report and a cat scan."

0:18:310:18:34

LAUGHTER

0:18:340:18:36

On the way here this morning, I was walking past the local prison

0:18:380:18:42

and a midget jumped over the wall.

0:18:420:18:44

As he jumped down, he sneered at me, and I thought to myself,

0:18:440:18:47

"That's a little con-descending."

0:18:470:18:48

LAUGHTER

0:18:480:18:51

That's me for the time being!

0:18:510:18:53

So a guy decides to renovate an old pub

0:18:540:18:59

and he makes it look absolutely wonderful and he thinks,

0:18:590:19:02

"There's still one thing missing.

0:19:020:19:03

"We need something to make it feel really homey.

0:19:030:19:06

"I know, I think I'll get a dog."

0:19:060:19:08

But there's only one problem - every time the dog wags its tail,

0:19:080:19:11

it knocks all the drinks off the tables,

0:19:110:19:14

so he takes him to the vet and he has his tail docked

0:19:140:19:17

and brings the remains of the tail home, mounts it,

0:19:170:19:21

puts it over the bar.

0:19:210:19:22

18 years later, the dog passes away

0:19:220:19:25

and he's met at the pearly gates by St Peter

0:19:250:19:28

and St Peter says, "I'm really sorry.

0:19:280:19:30

"You can't come into heaven - no dogs can come in without their tails.

0:19:300:19:35

"You'll have to go back and get your tail."

0:19:350:19:37

So, one dark and stormy night,

0:19:370:19:40

the landlord and his wife hear this howling in the distance.

0:19:400:19:44

Then they hear a terrible scratching on the door

0:19:440:19:47

and outside there's Fido sitting.

0:19:470:19:50

The landlord says, "What on Earth are you doing, Fido,

0:19:500:19:53

"scaring us like this? You always had a good life with us."

0:19:530:19:56

The dog says, "Yeah, I'm really sorry, but..."

0:19:560:19:59

He tells him the story and says, "So I really have to have my tail back."

0:19:590:20:03

The landlord says, "I can't do anything about it this evening."

0:20:030:20:07

Fido says, "Why not?" "Well, I'm really sorry, Fido,

0:20:070:20:11

"but you've been a pub dog long enough to know

0:20:110:20:14

"that we can't 're-tail' spirits after ten o'clock."

0:20:140:20:16

LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:19

-Want a true story?

-Go on, then.

0:20:200:20:22

I've been a dog trainer for years now.

0:20:220:20:24

A woman came to me with a Jack Russell. She wanted me to...

0:20:240:20:28

Dolly.

0:20:280:20:29

-Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:290:20:31

I said that at the wrong time, didn't I?

0:20:330:20:35

A travelling salesman knocks on the door. A woman answers.

0:20:390:20:42

He goes, "I've got the world's greatest washing powder here.

0:20:420:20:44

"Would you like me to demonstrate?" She goes, "Come in."

0:20:440:20:47

He goes, "All I need is a bowl of hot water, a bowl of cold water

0:20:470:20:50

"and the dirtiest thing you've got in the house."

0:20:500:20:52

She gets the bowls,

0:20:520:20:53

he puts the powder in and she gets her husband's rugby shirt.

0:20:530:20:56

He goes, "Here you go - into the hot, out of the hot,

0:20:560:20:58

"into the cold, out of the cold,

0:20:580:21:00

"up to the light, shining bright,

0:21:000:21:02

"under the nose, smells like a rose.

0:21:020:21:03

"Look at that."

0:21:030:21:04

She goes, "That's fantastic!

0:21:040:21:06

"It's so clean." He goes, "Give me something dirtier."

0:21:060:21:08

She gets her husband's rugby shorts.

0:21:080:21:11

He goes, "Into the hot, out of the hot,

0:21:110:21:12

"into the cold, out of the cold,

0:21:120:21:14

"up to the light, shining bright,

0:21:140:21:15

"under the nose, smells like a rose. Look at that."

0:21:150:21:18

She goes, "I can't believe it, that's so clean."

0:21:180:21:20

He goes, "All right,

0:21:200:21:21

"get me the dirtiest thing you've got in the house, whatever it is."

0:21:210:21:24

She goes, "Well, I've had these knickers on for three weeks."

0:21:240:21:27

He goes, "Get 'em off, I'll clean 'em."

0:21:270:21:28

She takes them off and he goes, "Into the hot, out of the hot,

0:21:280:21:31

"into the cold, out of the cold,

0:21:310:21:32

"up to the light, shining bright,

0:21:320:21:34

"under the nose, smells like... into the hot, out of the hot,

0:21:340:21:37

-"into the cold..."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:370:21:40

Bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.

0:21:400:21:43

The landlord said, "You can't bring that in here."

0:21:430:21:45

"Why not?" "They're dangerous."

0:21:450:21:47

He said, "It ain't dangerous, it's my pet crocodile." "I don't care."

0:21:470:21:50

"If I can prove it ain't dangerous, can I bring it in?"

0:21:500:21:53

"All right." An old lady was sitting in the corner with a walking stick.

0:21:530:21:56

"Can I borrow your walking stick?" He takes the walking stick

0:21:560:21:59

and hits the crocodile right across the top of the head.

0:21:590:22:01

The crocodile opens his mouth up.

0:22:010:22:03

He takes his old boy, puts it in the croc's mouth

0:22:030:22:05

and hits him on the head again. The crocodile shuts his mouth.

0:22:050:22:07

He hits the crocodile and it opens its mouth. "Look, not a mark on it.

0:22:070:22:10

"Anyone else want to try?" The old lady says, "I will.

0:22:100:22:13

"But don't you hit me with that fucking stick!" Sorry!

0:22:130:22:15

LAUGHTER

0:22:150:22:18

This piece of string, he goes into a pub and walks up to the barman

0:22:180:22:22

and says, "I'd like a pint of your best bitter, please, barman."

0:22:220:22:25

The barman looks at him and says,

0:22:250:22:27

"I'm not serving you, you're a piece of string. Get out of my pub!"

0:22:270:22:31

The piece of string turns around, walks outside,

0:22:310:22:34

stands there...

0:22:340:22:36

"Ah!"

0:22:370:22:38

Walks back into the pub.

0:22:410:22:43

Goes up to the barman and says,

0:22:430:22:44

"Barman, I'd like a pint of your best bitter."

0:22:440:22:47

The barman says, "I've told you before, I'm not serving you.

0:22:470:22:50

"You're a piece of string, get out."

0:22:500:22:52

Piece of string says, "I'm 'a-frayed knot.'"

0:22:520:22:54

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:56

So I went to a restaurant the other day.

0:22:560:22:58

I sat down, gave the waiter my order.

0:22:580:23:00

About 20 minutes later, a duck comes up to me.

0:23:000:23:02

He says, "You've got the most divine eyes I've ever seen in my life",

0:23:020:23:05

and he gave me a rose.

0:23:050:23:06

I went, "Waiter! I ordered AROMATIC duck!"

0:23:060:23:08

LAUGHTER

0:23:080:23:11

A man and a woman walk past a swanky new restaurant.

0:23:150:23:18

The woman says, "Wow! That smells lovely."

0:23:180:23:20

The man says, "Fuck it, I'll treat her tonight",

0:23:200:23:23

and they go and walk past it again.

0:23:230:23:24

LAUGHTER

0:23:240:23:28

A blonde walks into a library and she says to the librarian,

0:23:280:23:33

-LOUDLY:

-"Can I have a hamburger and some fries, please?"

0:23:330:23:36

The librarian says to her, "Madam, this is a library!"

0:23:360:23:40

-She says...

-QUIETLY:

-"Oh, I'm sorry.

0:23:400:23:42

"Can I have a hamburger and some fries, please?"

0:23:420:23:45

LAUGHTER

0:23:450:23:47

There were three girls on a desert island

0:23:490:23:52

and they'd been there for a long time.

0:23:520:23:54

There was a blonde,

0:23:540:23:55

a brunette and a redhead,

0:23:550:23:57

and they stumble across a lamp,

0:23:570:24:00

so they give it a rub and a genie appears.

0:24:000:24:02

He says, "I can grant you all one wish and one wish only."

0:24:020:24:06

The redhead, she's got two little girls

0:24:060:24:08

and she's really, really missing them,

0:24:080:24:10

so she says, "I'd like to go back home"

0:24:100:24:12

and, puff! Magically, she was back home.

0:24:120:24:14

The brunette, she's got a partner, and she was really, really lovesick,

0:24:140:24:18

so she said, "I really want to go see him."

0:24:180:24:20

Puff! She was back home with her partner.

0:24:200:24:23

The blonde, she was sitting there for a little while.

0:24:230:24:26

She was looking really, really sad

0:24:260:24:28

and then she said, "I really, really miss my two friends.

0:24:280:24:32

"I wish they were back here with me."

0:24:320:24:34

LAUGHTER

0:24:340:24:36

A girl goes to the doctor's with a strawberry stuck up her bum.

0:24:360:24:40

The doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."

0:24:400:24:43

LAUGHTER

0:24:430:24:45

I went to the doctor's the other day.

0:24:450:24:48

I said, "Doctor, I can't stop singing

0:24:480:24:50

"The Green, Green Grass Of Home."

0:24:500:24:52

He said, "Oh, you've got Tom Jones syndrome."

0:24:520:24:55

I said, "Tom Jones syndrome? Is that common?"

0:24:550:24:58

He said, "It's not unusual."

0:24:580:25:00

LAUGHTER

0:25:000:25:02

I was asleep last night and I woke up

0:25:040:25:07

and I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the end of my bed.

0:25:070:25:11

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

0:25:110:25:13

LAUGHTER

0:25:130:25:16

I went into the greengrocer's and picked up an iceberg lettuce.

0:25:160:25:21

"Why are these getting smaller and smaller?",

0:25:210:25:23

I asked the sales assistant.

0:25:230:25:25

She said,

0:25:250:25:27

"Global warming."

0:25:270:25:28

LAUGHTER

0:25:280:25:31

Aynuk and Ayli were out celebrating New Year

0:25:310:25:33

and New Year's morning they came out of the pub

0:25:330:25:36

and they were absolutely tanked up to the eyeballs.

0:25:360:25:40

And Aynuk said,

0:25:400:25:41

"How are we going to get 'ome, Ayli?" He said, "I don't know.

0:25:410:25:44

"I don't even know where I am."

0:25:440:25:46

He said, "Can't you tell from the stars?"

0:25:460:25:48

"I think you can but I can't. Can you?"

0:25:480:25:50

"I can't. Hold up, somebody's coming."

0:25:500:25:52

Bloke comes up. He said, "Excuse me, mate,

0:25:520:25:54

"is that the North Star up there?"

0:25:540:25:56

He said, "I don't know, chap - I ain't from round here."

0:25:560:25:58

LAUGHTER

0:25:580:26:01

There were three dogs. There was a mathematician's dog,

0:26:010:26:04

an architect's dog and a musician's dog.

0:26:040:26:05

They gave all the dogs a pile of bones.

0:26:050:26:07

The architect's dog went off

0:26:070:26:09

and made a lovely, beautiful pyramid out of all these bones.

0:26:090:26:12

The mathematician's dog made lovely geometric shapes with all his bones.

0:26:120:26:17

The musician's dog ate all of the bones,

0:26:170:26:20

shagged the other two dogs

0:26:200:26:22

and said, "How much am I getting paid for this gig?"

0:26:220:26:24

LAUGHTER

0:26:240:26:27

A local business in the town put an advert in the window for staff.

0:26:270:26:33

The advert said, "We want someone who can use the keyboard and type,

0:26:330:26:38

"we want someone who can use the computer

0:26:380:26:41

"and we want someone who's bilingual."

0:26:410:26:44

Next minute, a cat strolls by,

0:26:440:26:47

puts his paw on the window.

0:26:470:26:49

So the receptionist looks at the cat,

0:26:490:26:52

she opens the door, lets the cat in,

0:26:520:26:55

calls the manager.

0:26:550:26:56

He says, "Well, I know you're a cat

0:26:560:26:59

"and we're an equal opportunities employer

0:26:590:27:02

"but can you type and use a keyboard?"

0:27:020:27:05

So the cat sits down at the typewriter.

0:27:050:27:08

Beautiful, fantastic.

0:27:080:27:10

200 words a minute.

0:27:100:27:12

So then he says, "Right, OK, but can you use a computer?"

0:27:120:27:17

The cat sits at the computer, does a spreadsheet, fantastic.

0:27:170:27:21

"OK, then", he says.

0:27:210:27:23

"But I bet you're not bilingual."

0:27:230:27:26

"Woof! Woof!", the cat says.

0:27:260:27:28

LAUGHTER

0:27:280:27:30

There's two Mexicans lost in the desert in the old Wild West.

0:27:300:27:34

They'd gone days without any food or water

0:27:340:27:36

and they were getting really desperate.

0:27:360:27:38

They noticed in the distance there was actually a tree

0:27:380:27:41

and it looked like this tree had all kinds of meat

0:27:410:27:43

hanging from its branches.

0:27:430:27:45

They start walking towards it. As they get closer,

0:27:450:27:48

they see that this tree has actually got bacon

0:27:480:27:50

hanging from all the branches.

0:27:500:27:52

It's got smoky bacon, it's got streaky bacon,

0:27:520:27:54

it's got pieces of gammon.

0:27:540:27:55

All this life-giving bacon.

0:27:550:27:57

So the first Mexican shouts out to his friend,

0:27:570:27:59

"It's a bacon tree, we're saved!"

0:27:590:28:01

And he starts running as fast as he can towards this tree.

0:28:010:28:04

He gets within a few feet of this tree

0:28:040:28:06

and he gets shot down in a hail of bullets

0:28:060:28:08

and he falls dying to the floor.

0:28:080:28:10

His friend shouts out to him and says, "Que pasa, hombre? What is it?"

0:28:100:28:14

The Mexican lying on the floor, with his last dying breath,

0:28:140:28:17

shouts back to his friend,

0:28:170:28:20

"Run, amigo, run! It's not a bacon tree!

0:28:200:28:22

"It's a ham-bush!"

0:28:220:28:24

LAUGHTER

0:28:240:28:27

What does the dog say when he sits on sandpaper?

0:28:270:28:30

"Rough!"

0:28:300:28:32

LAUGHTER

0:28:320:28:34

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