Some Dog Owners with Jokes Some People with Jokes

This programme contains some strong language.

I took Alfie to the pub yesterday and as I walked up to the bar

I noticed there was a couple of pieces of meat nailed to the bar.

I said, "What's that all about?"

He said, "It's a challenge we're running for dogs. If your dog can

"jump up and get that meat, he can have it and I have to give you a

"drink free but, if he tries it and fails, you have to buy me a drink."

I said, "All right, I'll have a go at that." I said to Alfie, "Go fetch,"

and he jumps up and grabs these pieces of meat.

The bartender says, "Well done. Here's your pint."

I'm drinking my pint and the bartender says, "Your dog's good

"at this. Shall we try another challenge?" "Yeah, I'm up for that."

He goes out and comes back with these two juicy pieces of sirloin

and nails them to the top of the bar. He says, "If your dog can get those,

"not only does he get the meat but I have to buy you a drink

"and everybody in the pub has to buy you a drink, but, if he fails,

"you have to buy everybody in the pub a drink. Are you up for it?"

I looked at this meat up there and at Alfie, who was very excited,

and I looked around and the place was full of people, this pub.

And I just turned around to the bartender and said,

"Sorry, mate. Can't do it. The steaks are too high."

LAUGHTER

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon bar in the old West,

he sidles up to the bar and says to the bartender,

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

LAUGHTER

There's a minivan full of nuns, crashes - all the nuns die.

Terrible.

They go to heaven and they wait at the gates and St Peter goes,

"I've got to ask you all one question and then the gates will open and you can go in."

He goes, "Have you ever touched a willy?"

"Yeah, I touched a willy with this finger."

"Put your finger in the holy water, you'll be cleansed."

The gates open, she goes through.

The second one, "Have you touched a man's willy?"

"Yes. I once touched...held it in my hand."

"Put your hand in the water, you'll be cleansed."

The gates open, she goes through.

There's a big kerfuffle at the back of the line and St Peter goes, "What's going on back there?"

"I'm not going to wash my mouth out after she's put her bum in the water."

LAUGHTER

I popped into the doctor's the other week for my annual check-up.

He said, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

I said, "Oh, why's that?"

"Cos I'm trying to examine you."

He didn't like that.

There's a husband and wife and they're in the bedroom.

And the husband is terminally ill and he's laying there

and he's going in and out of consciousness.

His wife's sitting on the bed and she's just patting his hand,

and as he comes round, he looks up at her and says,

"Darling, I've got to tell you something now.

"I really, genuinely don't know if you'll ever forgive me

"but I've got to tell you."

She said, "What is it, darling?"

He said, "I've slept with your sister."

She said, "I know. It's OK. Just rest."

A few minutes later he goes back off and comes back around.

There his wife is again and he says, "Oh, darling,

"I'm afraid I've slept with your other sister."

She said, "It's OK, babe," and she's patting his hand.

And he drifts off again, then he comes back round again

and he looks up and thinks to himself, thank God she's still there.

He said, "Darling, I've got to tell you this and I don't think

"you'll ever forgive me." She said, "What is it, darling?"

He said, "I've slept with your mum."

She went, "I know, darling. Why do you think I fucking poisoned you?"

LAUGHTER

A retired couple, a middle-aged couple and a young married couple

all went to their local church to see if they could join.

They saw the vicar and he said, "I would love to accept you

"but you've all got to go two weeks without sex.

"After the two weeks, come back and see me."

After two weeks, the retied couple went back

and the vicar said, "How did you get on?"

"No problem. No problem at all."

"OK, you can join."

The middle-aged couple, he said, "How did you get on?"

"A bit hard for the first day or two but after that no problem."

He got to the young married couple and said, "How did you get on?"

"We were doing all right until my wife dropped the paint." "What do you mean, dropped the paint?"

"She bent over and my lust took over and, wallop, that was it."

The vicar went, "That's disgusting. You're banned."

The young fella went, "That's what the manager of B&Q said."

LAUGHTER

There's a guy doing his accounts at the end of the month

and he's distraught. He turns to his wife and says,

"We've had it. We're spiralling downhill at the speed of light.

"I can't work any harder. What are we going to do?

"You're going to have to go on the streets." "I couldn't possibly."

"Why not?" "I'd be terrified."

"Don't worry, I'll drop you off at the corner of the street

"and I'll park around the corner by Millennium Point.

"If you've got any questions, pop round and you'll be safe."

Within minutes some guy came up and hopped in the car and said, "Are you ready for business?

She said, "Yeah." "How much is it?"

"Hang on." She nips round to her husband's car and knocks the window.

"I've got a punter. How much is it?" He says, "Tell him £40."

She goes back to the car and says, "£40."

"I've only got £20. What can I have for that?"

She goes to her husband's car. He says, "What?"

"He's only got £20. What can he have for that?"

"Tell him he can have some light relief."

She goes back and says, "Light relief." "That'll do."

He opens himself up and she looks and says, "Hang on."

Nips back to the car, knocks the car. "What now?"

"Can you lend him £20?"

LAUGHTER

There's a French poodle and a collie walking down the road.

The French poodle turns to the collie and says,

"My life's a mess, my owner's horrible, my wife's gone off

"with a German shepherd and I'm as nervous as a cat."

The collie turns to the poodle and says, "Why don't you go and see a psychiatrist?"

The poodle says, "I would, but I'm not allowed on the couch."

LAUGHTER

A man wanders into a pub and takes three ducks with him.

He puts them on the counter, asks for a pint of beer, and then nips to the toilet.

The barman decides he'd better make conversation with these ducks

so he says to the first one,

"What's your name and what sort of day have you had?"

He said, "I'm Huey and I've had a lovely day.

"It's been raining all day and I've been in and out of puddles."

He says to the second one, "What's your name?"

"I'm Dewey and I've had a lovely day.

"I've been in and out of puddles as well."

So he turns to the third duck and says, "You must be Louie."

The duck says, "No, I'm Puddles, and you don't want to know

"what sort of day I've had."

LAUGHTER

So I went to my GP again the other day and said,

"Doctor, it's terrible.

"Yesterday I woke up thinking I was a wigwam.

"This morning, I woke up thinking I was a tepee. What do you think's wrong?"

And he said, "Well, obviously, you're obviously just two tents."

LAUGHTER

There is this very fat lady that one day,

she decides to lose weight because she met the man of her life.

So she goes to her GP and tells him, you know,

"I really, really want to get in shape.

"I want to lose at least 50 kilos.

"Um, please help me, help me, help me."

So the GP says to her, "Don't worry, there is an innovative slimming diet.

"All you need to do is rather than eating the food from your mouth,

"you eat it from the behind."

The lady, she's a bit perplexed, said,

"Never heard of this before but I'll try."

So two months later, she goes back to the GP, really in shape,

very slim, and she sits by the doctor and she keep doing this,

and they start having a conversation about her health issues

and at the end, she keeps doing this and the GP asks her,

"You know, I'm really happy that you have been losing

"so much weight but I would like to ask you one question.

"Why you keep doing this all the time?" She smiles.

"Oh, you know, I'm just eating a chewing gum."

LAUGHTER

There's a jockey at Ascot and he says to the owner,

"How do you want me to ride the horse?"

He says, "Hold him back until we get to the last furlong."

So he holds the horse back and they're going through the last furlong

and a chicken drumstick hits him in the ear.

He thought, "What the hell is that?"

Next thing he knows, he's hit by a lump of salmon.

"What's going on here?" The last thing that hits him is a bottle of champagne.

Knocks him right off the horse

The owner said, "What happened at the last furlong?" He says, "I was hampered in the last furlong."

LAUGHTER

A few years ago, my dad was taken ill and he had to go into a care home

because we couldn't manage with him at home.

So after a week, the manager rang me up and she said, "Oh, Frances.

"Your dad's like a fish out of water." I said, "What do you mean?

"Isn't he making friends? Is he being cantankerous?

"She said, "No, he's dead."

LAUGHTER

Mrs Pullett had a conversation with a young girl.

The young girl said to Mrs Pullett,

"Why does your son keep cluck-cluck-clucking?"

Mrs Pullett says, "Because he thinks he's a chicken."

So the girl says, "Don't you think you ought to tell him he's not a chicken?"

And she says, "No. We need the eggs."

LAUGHTER

Two sausages in a frying pan and one sausage turns to the other

and says, "Goodness me! It's hot in here."

And the other one says, "Goodness me, a talking sausage!"

LAUGHTER

A family sitting around a table and the dad -

he's got the kids a bit of venison, a bit of deer.

So he says - he doesn't tell them what it is and he says,

"Have a look at this, kids. This is a...

"Have a try of it, see if you like it and see

"if you can guess what it's called. I'll give you a clue.

"It's what Mummy calls me", thinking "dear".

The little girl looks at him and thinks, then she...sudden...

Surprise comes over her face. "Don't eat it! It's a fucking arsehole!"

LAUGHTER

There was an old man driving down a very long, windy road.

All of a sudden - BUMP!

He hits something, so he gets out of his car.

He goes round to the front and goes, "Oh! Oh, my God.

"I've hit the Easter Bunny. I've killed him.

"What am I going to do?" The man was absolutely mortified.

Anyway, about five minutes later,

a lovely young blonde lady arrives in a white Ferrari.

She gets out of the car and says, "What's the problem? What's happened?"

So the man turns around and says, "I've killed the Easter Bunny.

"What am I going to do?" She says, "Hah! Leave it with me."

She goes back to her car, opens the door,

pulls out a can, sprays the bunny all over.

Steps back and all of a sudden, the bunny jumps up.

He shakes himself off and runs about 10m down the road,

turns round and waves and then he runs another 10m down the road,

turns round and waves again.

And he kept doing this until the couple just couldn't see him any more.

The old man turns round to the very pretty blonde girl and says,

"Wow! That was amazing. What on Earth was that?"

She said, "Well, it's just hare spray.

"It revitalises hare and gives an everlasting wave!"

LAUGHTER

A blonde goes into a garage in an SLK230 and all of a sudden,

the engine died, so, vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! It wouldn't start.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Wouldn't start.

She goes in the shop, sent the mechanic out.

The mechanic lifts the hood and has a fiddle.

Within a couple of minutes, the car's running very, very sweetly.

So he says, "There you go." She says, "All right, what's the tale?"

He says, "Crap in the carburettor." She says, "How often do you want me to do that?"

LAUGHTER

A man was driving home from work one day.

He looked in the mirror, saw a police car. Nee-naw! Nee-naw! Nee-naw!

Thought, "No! What on Earth has happened now?!"

Pulls into the hard shoulder, policeman comes along.

"Wind your window down." Window goes down. "Excuse me, sir.

"I've every reason to believe that you have been drinking.

"And not only that, you're having oral sex with a duck."

"Now don't be so ridiculous, sir.

"I haven't been drinking, I wasn't having oral sex with a duck."

"Sorry. Step out of the car, sir.

"I need you to blow into the bag." "OK, officer.

"I'll blow into the bag."

LAUGHTER

I took Alfie down to the bar yesterday and I went up

and ordered a drink and the bartender gives me a pint

and he puts down a bowl of nuts on the bar.

Anyway, I'm sitting there, quietly drinking my pint

and all of a sudden, I hear this female voice going,

"You look really nice tonight." Looked around, I thought,

"Nobody here." Looked down at Alfie, no - obviously nothing.

So I carried on drinking and this female voice says again,

"I really like that shirt of yours." What's going on here?

This is mad. Anyway, so I thought, I'll go over

and put some music on and that'll sort it out.

So I go to the jukebox, take Alfie over and I'm looking at the music like this

and I hear this man's voice saying, "You are ugly." I looked round.

Nobody. So I thought, carry on looking at the music.

This man's voice again, turns round and says, "Your breath stinks."

And I'm thinking, this is ridiculous. So I go to the bartender and say to the bartender,

"This is mad. One minute I'm stood there and there's a woman's voice telling me really nice things

"and then there's this bloke's voice telling me horrible things. What's going on?"

"Oh, sorry. I should've said - whilst the nuts are complimentary, the jukebox is just out of order."

LAUGHTER

On a recent flight back from New York with my daughter,

we were about four hours over the Atlantic

and the pilot came on the tannoy and he said, "I don't wish to

"alarm you, ladies and gentlemen but we have lost power in an engine.

"But it's not a problem. It just means it's going to add 30 minutes to our flight."

My daughter looked at her watch and rolled her eyes.

Anyway, about an hour later, the pilot came back on and he said,

"We've lost power in a second engine but don't worry.

"It just means it's going to add 30 minutes to the flight."

My daughter looked at her watch again She's like, "Tut!" An hour later,

the pilot came back on and he said, "Please don't be alarmed.

"We've lost power in the third engine.

"That just means it's going to add a further half-hour to the flight."

My daughter looked at her watch, rolled her eyes and said, "Mum, you do realise, if we lose power in

"the fourth engine, we're going to be we're going to be up here all night!"

LAUGHTER

A long-distance lorry driver, been on the road for a couple of weeks,

pulled into this town. He went to the nearest brothel,

stuck £300 down on the counter and he said to the madam,

"Give me your biggest, fattest, ugliest woman

"and a toasted cheese sandwich."

She said, "For that money, you can have a beautiful, slim young girl

"and I'll give you a three-course meal."

He said, "Madam, I'm not horny. I'm just homesick."

LAUGHTER

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.

One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I've been swung round by the tits a few times."

LAUGHTER

What's a short-sighted gynaecologist

and Sidney the French bulldog got in common?

They both have wet noses.

LAUGHTER

What do you get if you cross a rottweiler with a Labrador?

A dog that scares the shit out of you,

then runs away with the toilet roll.

LAUGHTER

What's this? "Grr!

"Grr!

"Grr!"

It's a vicious circle.

LAUGHTER

What do gay horses eat?

-CAMPLY:

-"Hey!"

LAUGHTER

Two moths on a wall and one says to the other,

"M'off."

LAUGHTER

Why do communists drink herbal tea?

Because "proper-tea" is theft.

-MIRA BARKS

-Yes, that's right.

A man was driving down the motorway one day when, all of a sudden,

his tyre blew out.

He walked for a while and found a house to ask for help.

A lady was at the door with a three-legged pig.

"How did the pig lose his leg?" the man asked.

"Well, there was this terrible fire.

"The pig ran up, woke everyone up and saved them."

"But how did he lose his leg?", the man asked.

"This little boy fell through the ice, so the pig ran to the barn,

"grabbed a rope and pulled the boy out, saving him."

"But how did he lose his leg?"

"Well, after he'd done all that, we couldn't eat him all at once!"

LAUGHTER

A woman takes her parrot into the vet's.

She's a bit concerned, cos it's not moving.

The vet says, "I can tell you straight away

"that the parrot is dead."

She goes, "Don't be daft!

"You can't just tell by looking at it that it's dead.

"Surely there's some kind of test you could do to see for sure."

So the vet says, "OK, all right."

He goes out, comes back in with a Labrador on a lead.

And the Labrador walked round the table and looked at the parrot.

He turns round to the vet and goes to the vet...

And the vet said, "Well, obviously, the parrot is dead,

"because it's conclusive. The dog can justify that."

The woman says, "Don't be ridiculous. What kind of test's that?

"You need to do more tests."

The vet said, "There is another test, if you hang on a moment."

He comes back in with a cat in his arms

and he puts the cat down on the table next to the parrot.

The cat walks all the way round the parrot

and sniffs it from head to toe

and then sniffs it from head to toe again, like a cat does.

After a few minutes, he looks at the vet and goes...

And walks out of the room and the vet says,

"Look, this parrot is definitely dead.

"We've done all the tests that we can do now."

She's getting emotional and she starts to leave the vet's.

Anyway, the vet's receptionist shouts after her and says,

"Excuse me, miss, that's £500."

The woman turns round and says, "Don't be ridiculous!

"£500 just to tell me my parrot's dead?"

He said, "Let's face it - we did do a lab report and a cat scan."

LAUGHTER

On the way here this morning, I was walking past the local prison

and a midget jumped over the wall.

As he jumped down, he sneered at me, and I thought to myself,

"That's a little con-descending."

LAUGHTER

That's me for the time being!

So a guy decides to renovate an old pub

and he makes it look absolutely wonderful and he thinks,

"There's still one thing missing.

"We need something to make it feel really homey.

"I know, I think I'll get a dog."

But there's only one problem - every time the dog wags its tail,

it knocks all the drinks off the tables,

so he takes him to the vet and he has his tail docked

and brings the remains of the tail home, mounts it,

puts it over the bar.

18 years later, the dog passes away

and he's met at the pearly gates by St Peter

and St Peter says, "I'm really sorry.

"You can't come into heaven - no dogs can come in without their tails.

"You'll have to go back and get your tail."

So, one dark and stormy night,

the landlord and his wife hear this howling in the distance.

Then they hear a terrible scratching on the door

and outside there's Fido sitting.

The landlord says, "What on Earth are you doing, Fido,

"scaring us like this? You always had a good life with us."

The dog says, "Yeah, I'm really sorry, but..."

He tells him the story and says, "So I really have to have my tail back."

The landlord says, "I can't do anything about it this evening."

Fido says, "Why not?" "Well, I'm really sorry, Fido,

"but you've been a pub dog long enough to know

"that we can't 're-tail' spirits after ten o'clock."

LAUGHTER

-Want a true story?

-Go on, then.

I've been a dog trainer for years now.

A woman came to me with a Jack Russell. She wanted me to...

Dolly.

-Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

I said that at the wrong time, didn't I?

A travelling salesman knocks on the door. A woman answers.

He goes, "I've got the world's greatest washing powder here.

"Would you like me to demonstrate?" She goes, "Come in."

He goes, "All I need is a bowl of hot water, a bowl of cold water

"and the dirtiest thing you've got in the house."

She gets the bowls,

he puts the powder in and she gets her husband's rugby shirt.

He goes, "Here you go - into the hot, out of the hot,

"into the cold, out of the cold,

"up to the light, shining bright,

"under the nose, smells like a rose.

"Look at that."

She goes, "That's fantastic!

"It's so clean." He goes, "Give me something dirtier."

She gets her husband's rugby shorts.

He goes, "Into the hot, out of the hot,

"into the cold, out of the cold,

"up to the light, shining bright,

"under the nose, smells like a rose. Look at that."

She goes, "I can't believe it, that's so clean."

He goes, "All right,

"get me the dirtiest thing you've got in the house, whatever it is."

She goes, "Well, I've had these knickers on for three weeks."

He goes, "Get 'em off, I'll clean 'em."

She takes them off and he goes, "Into the hot, out of the hot,

"into the cold, out of the cold,

"up to the light, shining bright,

"under the nose, smells like... into the hot, out of the hot,

-"into the cold..."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.

The landlord said, "You can't bring that in here."

"Why not?" "They're dangerous."

He said, "It ain't dangerous, it's my pet crocodile." "I don't care."

"If I can prove it ain't dangerous, can I bring it in?"

"All right." An old lady was sitting in the corner with a walking stick.

"Can I borrow your walking stick?" He takes the walking stick

and hits the crocodile right across the top of the head.

The crocodile opens his mouth up.

He takes his old boy, puts it in the croc's mouth

and hits him on the head again. The crocodile shuts his mouth.

He hits the crocodile and it opens its mouth. "Look, not a mark on it.

"Anyone else want to try?" The old lady says, "I will.

"But don't you hit me with that fucking stick!" Sorry!

LAUGHTER

This piece of string, he goes into a pub and walks up to the barman

and says, "I'd like a pint of your best bitter, please, barman."

The barman looks at him and says,

"I'm not serving you, you're a piece of string. Get out of my pub!"

The piece of string turns around, walks outside,

stands there...

"Ah!"

Walks back into the pub.

Goes up to the barman and says,

"Barman, I'd like a pint of your best bitter."

The barman says, "I've told you before, I'm not serving you.

"You're a piece of string, get out."

Piece of string says, "I'm 'a-frayed knot.'"

LAUGHTER

So I went to a restaurant the other day.

I sat down, gave the waiter my order.

About 20 minutes later, a duck comes up to me.

He says, "You've got the most divine eyes I've ever seen in my life",

and he gave me a rose.

I went, "Waiter! I ordered AROMATIC duck!"

LAUGHTER

A man and a woman walk past a swanky new restaurant.

The woman says, "Wow! That smells lovely."

The man says, "Fuck it, I'll treat her tonight",

and they go and walk past it again.

LAUGHTER

A blonde walks into a library and she says to the librarian,

-LOUDLY:

-"Can I have a hamburger and some fries, please?"

The librarian says to her, "Madam, this is a library!"

-She says...

-QUIETLY:

-"Oh, I'm sorry.

"Can I have a hamburger and some fries, please?"

LAUGHTER

There were three girls on a desert island

and they'd been there for a long time.

There was a blonde,

a brunette and a redhead,

and they stumble across a lamp,

so they give it a rub and a genie appears.

He says, "I can grant you all one wish and one wish only."

The redhead, she's got two little girls

and she's really, really missing them,

so she says, "I'd like to go back home"

and, puff! Magically, she was back home.

The brunette, she's got a partner, and she was really, really lovesick,

so she said, "I really want to go see him."

Puff! She was back home with her partner.

The blonde, she was sitting there for a little while.

She was looking really, really sad

and then she said, "I really, really miss my two friends.

"I wish they were back here with me."

LAUGHTER

A girl goes to the doctor's with a strawberry stuck up her bum.

The doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."

LAUGHTER

I went to the doctor's the other day.

I said, "Doctor, I can't stop singing

"The Green, Green Grass Of Home."

He said, "Oh, you've got Tom Jones syndrome."

I said, "Tom Jones syndrome? Is that common?"

He said, "It's not unusual."

LAUGHTER

I was asleep last night and I woke up

and I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the end of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

LAUGHTER

I went into the greengrocer's and picked up an iceberg lettuce.

"Why are these getting smaller and smaller?",

I asked the sales assistant.

She said,

"Global warming."

LAUGHTER

Aynuk and Ayli were out celebrating New Year

and New Year's morning they came out of the pub

and they were absolutely tanked up to the eyeballs.

And Aynuk said,

"How are we going to get 'ome, Ayli?" He said, "I don't know.

"I don't even know where I am."

He said, "Can't you tell from the stars?"

"I think you can but I can't. Can you?"

"I can't. Hold up, somebody's coming."

Bloke comes up. He said, "Excuse me, mate,

"is that the North Star up there?"

He said, "I don't know, chap - I ain't from round here."

LAUGHTER

There were three dogs. There was a mathematician's dog,

an architect's dog and a musician's dog.

They gave all the dogs a pile of bones.

The architect's dog went off

and made a lovely, beautiful pyramid out of all these bones.

The mathematician's dog made lovely geometric shapes with all his bones.

The musician's dog ate all of the bones,

shagged the other two dogs

and said, "How much am I getting paid for this gig?"

LAUGHTER

A local business in the town put an advert in the window for staff.

The advert said, "We want someone who can use the keyboard and type,

"we want someone who can use the computer

"and we want someone who's bilingual."

Next minute, a cat strolls by,

puts his paw on the window.

So the receptionist looks at the cat,

she opens the door, lets the cat in,

calls the manager.

He says, "Well, I know you're a cat

"and we're an equal opportunities employer

"but can you type and use a keyboard?"

So the cat sits down at the typewriter.

Beautiful, fantastic.

200 words a minute.

So then he says, "Right, OK, but can you use a computer?"

The cat sits at the computer, does a spreadsheet, fantastic.

"OK, then", he says.

"But I bet you're not bilingual."

"Woof! Woof!", the cat says.

LAUGHTER

There's two Mexicans lost in the desert in the old Wild West.

They'd gone days without any food or water

and they were getting really desperate.

They noticed in the distance there was actually a tree

and it looked like this tree had all kinds of meat

hanging from its branches.

They start walking towards it. As they get closer,

they see that this tree has actually got bacon

hanging from all the branches.

It's got smoky bacon, it's got streaky bacon,

it's got pieces of gammon.

All this life-giving bacon.

So the first Mexican shouts out to his friend,

"It's a bacon tree, we're saved!"

And he starts running as fast as he can towards this tree.

He gets within a few feet of this tree

and he gets shot down in a hail of bullets

and he falls dying to the floor.

His friend shouts out to him and says, "Que pasa, hombre? What is it?"

The Mexican lying on the floor, with his last dying breath,

shouts back to his friend,

"Run, amigo, run! It's not a bacon tree!

"It's a ham-bush!"

LAUGHTER

What does the dog say when he sits on sandpaper?

"Rough!"

LAUGHTER