Great Expectations Sorry!

One...two...

Oh, dear!

One...two... Oh!

One...two...three... Oh, dear.

That'll do.

Now...press-ups.

One.

LAUGHTER

Are you in there?

No, Mother, I'm at the bottom of the garden.

Don't exaggerate.

What are you doing?

I'm thinking of doing the other half of this press-up.

Well, don't, you'll wake Aunt Esme.

Do I have to remind you that she's our guest?

No, Mother, you've been reminding me every minute, on the minute, since she came here.

What are you dressed up like that for? Where are you going?

Twice round the park. You coming, Mother? You can nag me as we go.

You're not going anywhere.

Aunt Esme's husband, your Great-Uncle Edgar,

was the man who invented flypaper.

Oh, that's different, Mother, I'm sorry!

How could I think of running round the park in that case? Good heavens!

People will say, "There goes that fellow whose great-uncle invented flypaper.

"Oh, he's running, aargh, disgusting."

What are you talking about?

I don't know, Mother, I'm just wittering on here.

Well, I'm talking about, as you very well know,

M-O-N-E-Y.

-Money?

-We don't talk about money in this house.

Yes, you do, Mother, constantly. Particularly when Aunt Esme's here.

Your Father, who's a typical Lumsden, came to our marriage with nothing.

Luckily for you, there was a bit of gumption on my side

of the family...and money.

There's certainly no flies on Great-Uncle Edgar.

Not surprised, Mother, they're all on the flypaper.

Don't be frivolous.

I'm doing all this for you.

With Aunt Esme's money, you could have a really good start in life.

A good start, Mother? It's almost too late for a good middle!

I want you to make something of yourself, Timothy.

I'm not a kit, Mother. You know, I'm fully assembled, you know?

Give or take a few odd pieces.

-I'm not listening and don't let Aunt Esme see those shoes.

-Why?

Well, I don't want her to think that we've got money to

-waste on fripperies like that.

-Sebastian Coe wears these.

Well, they certainly don't make him sing any better.

LAUGHTER

He's not a singer, Mother.

-He certainly isn't, you can tell him that, from me.

-Oh, I give up.

Give up? Oh, yes, typical. So did your father.

You were very nearly an only child.

Flypaper!

"What are you doing, Timothy? Are you in there, Timothy?

"Are you breathing, Timothy? Stop it at once..."

Ooh!

Oh...dogs!

LAUGHTER

Dogs.

BARKING

Oi! Oi!

Excuse me...

Oi, excuse me...

Is this yours?

What?

This. Is this yours?

The shoe?

Not the shoe. The addition. You know, the whatsit. The decorative border.

-Oh, you mean the doings?

-The doings, yes. Is it yours?

Well, it's not mine, could be one of the dogs'.

-It was one of your dogs, I saw it.

-Then why did you step in it, then?

Well, that is not the point!

I saw the dog do it, I know which one it was. It was that one, him.

Her.

Raquel, was that you?

Have you been doing your doings where you oughtn't to have done?

All right, all right, if it happens again,

don't think I won't be afraid to go to the authorities.

Well, I shouldn't do that if I were you.

I only have to say the word to these two and they'll have you.

Don't you threaten me, you can get fined around here for that.

Oh, well, Raquel will need time to pay, she's broke.

Cheerio, twinkle toes.

Oh, and if it should happen again, don't worry, finders keepers.

Come on. Come on.

And you.

Come on, pigeons. Come and do your doings on this nice man's car.

Come on. Come on, then. Come on, pigeons.

Eggy-peggies.

Where is Timothy?

He's not still doing that stupid running, is he?

-Running? What a good idea!

-Oh!

Oh, yes, isn't it?

He looks after himself so well and he thinks when he's running.

-Doesn't he, Sidney?

-Eh, what?

Well, you know, ideas, schemes...for investment.

Not that he isn't very careful with money.

Do you know, he queued up on the very first day for granny bonds.

-Can I take your knitting?

-Thank you, Phyllis.

-Ooh, lovely.

Timothy knits, you know. He knitted himself a purse.

-He's so careful with money, isn't he, Sidney?

-Is he?

Oh, here you are.

Good gracious me.

Oh, breakfast in the dining room, eh?

Last time we were in here was for the lying in state of the canary.

Oh, lovely to see you. Well, how are you this morning, Esme?

Great-Aunt Esme.

A little tired. It was a long drive for an old lady.

Oh, I'm sure, yes. I'm sure.

I was only thinking, you know, that we really only met twice before.

The last time was, of course, Uncle Edgar's funeral.

Timothy, please, we don't talk about funerals at this house

and particularly not at breakfast.

We all loved Edgar, even though we were, none of us,

lucky enough to know him.

But of one thing I'm sure, he's in a better place than this.

That wouldn't be too difficult!

Timothy, eat your Rice Krispies.

-Grape-Nuts, Mother.

-Language, Timothy!

Shut up, Sidney.

Fair enough.

Timothy's doing awfully well at the library, aren't you, Timothy?

Pardon?

SHE MOUTHS

What are you trying to say, Mother?

Are you having trouble with your teeth, or what?

Or are we having subtitles for this bit?

Be quiet.

He's really a very sweet boy and he is doing well at the library.

Mind you, they don't pay them very much.

Mother, I thought in this household we didn't discuss M-O-N-E-Y?

Sh!

He's very sensitive, you know,

when he was a little boy, he saw a snap of me taken when I was...

carrying

and, do you know, he apologised for giving me a big tummy.

I thought that was me!

TIMOTHY AND SIDNEY LAUGH

SIDNEY WHEEZES

Don't be disgusting!

Timothy...don't encourage him.

I think Timothy's a little overexcited with your being here.

Every night when he says his prayers, last of all he says,

"God bless Aunt Esme."

-TIMOTHY BASHES HIS EGG REPEATEDLY

-And then I tuck him up.

He saves all his pennies, he has a great sense of respons...

What are you doing with that egg?!

Pretending it's you, Mother!

SHE LAUGHS

Who was it who said,

"The family that laughs together, stays together?"

Nobody, Mother.

And it's not true and it doesn't rhyme.

SHE LAUGHS

I've just been down to the park, Aunt Esme.

He says he's just been down to the park, Aunt Esme.

-And what did you do there, Timothy?

-I trod in something.

He says he trod in some...

Timothy, Esme doesn't want to know about that,

especially when she's eating her egg.

It was nothing like an egg, Mother, not remotely.

-That's got nothing to do with it.

-Oh, but I do.

-Do what, dear?

I want to hear about it. I'm most interested. You see, I...

Oh, that's all right, then. Aunt Esme does want to hear...

I know, Mother, I know.

Aunt Esme and I can have a conversation without

the use of an interpreter, you know.

Aunt Esme is a woman of the world.

She's probably seen more dogs' doings than we've had hot dinners.

Timothy!

-Sorry, cold dinners, Mother.

-Timothy!

-Sorry, Father.

Don't be misled, Esme.

He's a wonderful son in every possible way - kind, generous,

-but careful.

-Mother, Aunt Esme knows life.

You're not going to be able to persuade her that I'm

a cross between Goody Two-Shoes and Nicholas Parsons.

-You are a sweet boy.

-I am not, Mother.

-Yes, you are.

-No, I'm not!

I once stuck chewing gum under my chair at the church.

I live in the real world, Mother, the world of dog-eat-dog,

the world of dogs' doings.

Will you be quiet about dogs?

I was once thrown off a bus for spitting, you know.

It wasn't actually me. And when you thought dear sweet little me

was out in the garden digging dear sweet little me's garden,

I was, in fact, killing greenfly with a magnifying glass.

Good boy, Timothy.

Shut up, Sidney.

And as for being careful with money,

I once lost £4.13 and seven pence on the throw of a single conker

and on a Saturday night when I've had a few, or let's face it,

when I've had one, I'm nothing short of an evil-minded, foul-mouthed,

over-bearing rapscallion.

It's a stage he's going through.

And it's not "a stage I'm going through", either!

SHE LAUGHS

-SIDNEY:

-Who's in there?

-Are you alone?

-Yes, all clear.

Have you been in here all morning?

I thought you were inside, trying to impress Aunt Esme.

Oh, dear, I got fed up with Mother parading my virtues.

When she sent me to get my A Level certificates, I got out of it.

Well, she stopped parading my virtues 40 years ago.

Oh, dear, she's doing that

"decent folk with not a penny to their name" bit at the moment.

Aunt Esme's sitting there, Mother's turning all my shirt collars,

they don't need turning.

She even put leather patches on the elbow of my dressing gown.

-Keep her busy, Timothy.

-Yeah, I know, we've all got to suffer, haven't we?

Aunt Esme must be bored to tears.

Do you know what Mother's doing now in order to show how careful we've got to be with money?

She has gone out and bought a 28lb tin of ex-WD apricot jam.

-It'll take us a year to eat that.

-Not me, I don't eat apricot.

Oh, thank you very much, two years, then.

LAUGHTER

It's all in a good cause, this, you know, Timothy.

A bit of money could set you up in the world, you know?

Little sports car, eh? Brum, brum...

Cheese cutter... String-back gloves... Spaniel...

I don't want a Spaniel, Father. I've got a pair of string-back gloves.

Well, one, anyway. I mean, as a boy all I needed was £10, that's all.

-Well, £10 wouldn't have got you far.

-Australia?

Oh, cheer up, Timmy. I know what will make you laugh.

It always used to when you were little, remember? Watch this.

SIDNEY SQUEAKS

THEY LAUGH

Oh, dear.

Now for the bad news...

-We're all going to the library after tea.

-What?

-Yeah, to show Aunt Esme where you work.

-Oh, no, goodness...

I don't want her money. I'm going to hide in the coal bunker.

No, I've got a better idea, let's go and hide in the pub.

Now? In broad daylight?

Mother will hear us start the car.

No, no, no...

We'll push it down the drive and start it up around the corner.

Oh, ho-ho, very good thinking!

One-up to the escape committee.

Officer material, Timothy, runs in the family.

What, your nose, you mean?

SIDNEY COUGHS AND WHEEZES

You drive.

It's locked.

Here's the key.

Oh, this is all a terrible dream.

Just let me waken up and I promise not to stick any more chewing gum under thy chairs.

-It's hit a skip.

-Yes, I had noticed, Father.

-What do you want to do that for?

-What did I want to do it...?

Suddenly I'm all alone? Look, we're in this together.

-It's not good enough, Timothy.

-Not good enough?

Would you like me to get out and do it again?

-What about damage to the skip?

-Oh.

You've really gone and done it now.

Look, please, this is a family matter, pure and simple,

-mind your own business.

-Timothy.

-Sorry, Father.

This'll be the devil's own job to get repaired.

-Stupid idea of yours in the first place.

-My idea?

Now I see what you mean about officer material.

-Well, I'm going home, it's nothing to do with me.

-Oh, that's charming.

Leaving the sinking ship.

No, it's not that, Timothy, your mother will skin me alive.

And have me for afters!

We're supposed to be going out this afternoon.

Where will I get this repaired before then?

-It's going to cost you a pretty packet, too.

-Me? Me?

You'll have to go to Denny Willman's.

Look, when I want your advice, I'll ask for it.

-Where did you say?

-Denny Willman's, he does quick lash-ups.

You go over the level crossing, past Turner's and first left.

Right.

DOGS BARK

Shut up, Raquel.

Yes, chief?

ASSUMES FAKE ACCENT: Hello, please...

You mend my car...

OK? The bonnet is chop-chop. OK?

God help us!

Where are you from?

Greece. I'm Greek.

Ah! Kalos irthes!

Eh?

HE SPEAKS GREEK

All right, well, I'm not THAT Greek.

-I know you, don't I?

-No, don't think so.

Take them glasses off.

No, no, no, no.

You, this morning, in the park,

you made them pigeons go all over me motor.

-No, I didn't.

-Yes, you did.

All right, I did, but it was only a joke.

Well, it took me 20 minutes to get off.

Well, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, it was only a joke, you know?

-I'm very sorry.

-I'm sorry too, but it's not enough.

All right, I'm very, very, very, very, very sorry.

It could cost you, that could.

All right, all right, then, grovel, grovel, grovel. Humble pie.

Oily rag, rub nose in it, eh?

-Rub your nose again, eh? Is that better?

-What are you doing that for?

Oh, I don't know, I just thought it might make it... Come over here.

Look at this. Some fellow has... hit-and-run driver

-hit my car, look at that.

-Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Now, that IS going to cost you.

And what with my backlog... Wednesday all right?

Wednesday? Oh, I was rather hoping for Tuesday.

Leaning towards Monday, at a pinch Sunday.

Actually, I need it today.

Well, you up the ante, old son, and you can have it yesterday.

Oh, you can do it, then? All right, then, we'll say that.

-Tea-time?

-You must be made of money.

Well, no, I could take your dogs for a walk if you like. I like dogs.

Well, I like pilchards but it's still going to cost you.

-Plus your VAT, 25%.

-Of course, of course.

Well, we'll give it a go. You come back at six.

Six, right... No, tea-time - four.

Oh, posh tea-time? Well, it's extra for being middle class.

-Only fair, isn't it? Good gracious, I shall miss my lunch.

-Oh, luncheon?

Better run.

Hey, I shouldn't run in this place if I was you.

DOGS BARK

Oh, put him down, Raquel.

Is there anything I can do, Phyllis?

Yes, you can get out from under my feet.

I thought you were meant to be entertaining Esme.

Show her those pictures of Tim in the nativity play.

He looks such a poppet in swaddling clothes.

-Fair enough.

-And give her a glass of sherry.

-Can do.

Ouch! Ooh! Lummy-kins!

Oh, sorry.

Where have you been?

Something terrible's happened to your nose.

It's just a bit of oil, that's all.

There's nothing wrong with the car, is there?

No, no, no, no, what? No.

-Then why are you covered in oil?

-Well, it's...

it's rag week. Oily rag week, you know.

Students from the technical college, you know.

If you don't give them 50p, they rub your nose with an oily rag.

Boys will be boys...and girls, of course.

I don't mean boys will be girls, that would be...

Who's been at your trousers?

Raquel, Mother.

Don't worry, it's a dog.

She got very annoyed with me cos I trod in something she'd done. Again.

Not when I'm cooking, please.

Have you got any more...?

Hello, Father.

Everything is OK with the car, bingo. Bingo with the car.

-What do you mean, bingo?

-Bingo with the car.

Bingo? Have you been at bingo?

No, no, Mother, I'm just telling Father that everything is all right.

What? Everything all right?

You won at bingo?

-No, no.

-You lost?

No, no, I didn't.

I've just been telling Esme how careful you are with your money.

What are you doing back in here?!

The sherry's all finished.

Well, we've got more. I'm surrounded by idiots.

Steady on, Phyllis.

I'm not an idiot, Mother, I'll get you the sherry.

No sooner said than done. Where is it?

-It's in the boot of the car.

-Ah, right.

-In the boot?

-Yes.

-Of the car?

-Yes.

Go on, Timothy, don't dither. Oh, I'll get it.

You wash your face properly and put some water on your hair,

it's sticking up at the back.

I'm going to ask Esme if she wants her tapioca hot or cold.

-The car's not there!

-I know that! I took it to be repaired.

-Where's the sherry, then?

-Still in it, I suppose.

Good God! Coal bunker here I come.

No, no, no, why don't you go outside,

come back in and say you dropped it?

What, all of it?

Well, you can't drop half a bottle, can you?

Seems a bit of a waste.

Your Aunt Esme's dying of thirst in there.

-Mother, I'm very worried about father.

-Why?

-He's dropping things.

-No, he isn't.

He is dropping things, Mother, all the time.

Something you're going to have to live with, he is dropping things.

Yesterday, he dropped several things on top of several other things.

Anything that is smooth and shiny, he drops, Mother.

-He doesn't!

-Mother, he drops...

-Phyllis, the bottle is...

You're not going to tell me you've dropped it, are you?

-Yes, how did you know?

-Told you, Mother, you see?

-Well, go and get the other one.

-The other one?

-There were two bottles in the boot.

-Were there? Oh...

I'll go, I'll go.

-Phyllis.

-Yes?

-I'm a bit worried about Timothy.

You're not going to tell me he keeps dropping things too?

Good Lord, have you noticed as well?

Must be hereditary, I've dropped it.

I don't believe a word of this.

-Hello, everyone.

-Oh, Aunt Esme.

It's rather cold and lonely in the front room.

Oh, come here, sit down in the kitchen.

Goodness me, didn't think about that.

This is where it happens, isn't it, Father? Where's Mother?

Where's the car?

-What? It's not there, Father.

-Isn't it?

-No, it isn't.

-Has somebody stolen it, Father?

-Well, I didn't hear it go.

Well, they're damn clever these days.

They take them apart, you know.

-But the garage doors are still locked.

-Well, that proves it.

And what about those two bottles you said you dropped?

-There's no mess out there.

-They must've pinched that as well.

-Broken glass?

-They'll stoop at nothing these people. Honestly.

So, there is no sherry?

Oh, Esme, why don't you go and sit in the front room?

I've been sitting there for the last hour and it's too cold to knit.

I'm going to phone the police.

No, Mother, don't, I'm sure it will turn up, the car,

probably about four o'clockish.

-Well, why should it?

-Well... These things, we don't worry about...

Nonsense! I'm going to ring 999.

Mother, don't ring the police, they'll be too busy.

-Don't be so silly.

-It's lunchtime, Mother!

-Lunchtime? Lunch! The Yorkshire puddings!

-Oh, my! Oh, dear.

SHE COUGHS

Good Lord! Home-made charcoal biscuits.

-You ring the police, Timothy.

-Yes, right, Mother.

Hello, is that the police?

This is Timothy Lumsden of 29 Ravenscroft Avenue.

I'm ringing on behalf of my mother. I want to report a stolen car.

Black Morris Minor, registration number XWA 792.

Timothy, you are not speaking into the instrument.

No, there's nobody here, actually. Sorry, sorry.

Timothy, what is happening?

Well, Aunt Esme, it's a long story but I do know what I'm doing.

-Oh, no, you don't.

-Oh, no, I don't.

What's happened to the car? Where is it? What have you done with it?

All right. You know the money that you may or may not be leaving to me?

Yes.

You don't happen to have any of it on you at the moment, do you?

You don't need to come. You stay here and knit.

I've been knitting the whole damn morning.

I want to get my hands on that sherry.

-Come on, we'll take my car.

-All right, shall I drive?

No way!

Timothy, where are you going?

Have you rung the police?

I'll have to do it myself.

DOG BARKS

-There we are, chief.

-Oh, lovely.

-I even missed me dinner. Oh, luncheon, I should say.

-Ha!

Still, it is done.

And I found a nice new wing on another motor.

-Oh, great.

-Who's this, your mother?

No, no, it's my aunt. Aunt Esme, this is Mr Willman.

-How do you do?

-Charmed, I'm sure.

Now, there was problems. It wasn't Morris Minor bodywork I found.

What sort of problems, then?

-Expensive problems.

-Oh.

I had to scrap the rest of the Buick.

So that's 180 plus your VAT,

-let's say 250.

-What?!

Oh, well, I could take the car in part payment, of course,

but I don't want it.

-RADIO:

-Roger, X-ray, Tango, we have a stolen car. Morris Minor, black.

X-ray, Whiskey, Alpha, 792.

Reported by a Mrs Lumsden.

79...

This car's hot!

Hot?

What do you mean - overheating?

-Nicked, stolen.

-Oh, no, it's not.

-Well, the police said it was.

No, I promise you, it's...

I'm afraid it is nicked, yes.

Oh, you're trade, then?

-Why didn't you say so?

-Well, he's very modest.

Oh, you two work in a parish, then?

A couple of pros down from the Smoke, like?

-Yes, I'm afraid we are.

-A bit.

I took you for a punter! Half pint of nothing.

Let's call it 30 quid.

And, as for the VAT, up them!

Very gracious.

Oh, no trouble, no trouble, and if you want the plates doing...

No, no, it's all right.

-No, no, no, any little job because Denny's your man.

-30 quid.

Thank you.

-Oh, my car needs a wash.

-A wash?

Yeah, yeah, we're doing a bit of a job down Bournemouth way,

you know what I mean?

Can't be too careful, you know what I mean?

Oh, oh, oh, the carriage trade? Oh, say no more. I'll give it a waxing.

-Thank you.

-All right, Aunt Esme.

Oh, Bonnie and Clyde ain't in it.

DOG BARKS

Put him down, Raquel, he's one of us.

I thought I did that rather well.

Cheers. Yes, there's hope for you yet.

Only worry is, how are we going to get this car

back into the garage without Mother seeing?

That's the least of your worries. Look, the law.

Can't go any faster. I've tried the choke.

I shook them off.

Sh! Yes, there it is, look, a helicopter.

Do they have helicopters?

-Don't you worry, it'll turn up soon enough.

-I hope so.

-I can't see them any more. Slow down.

-What?

-Hold tight, Aunt Esme, we're nearly home.

-Slow down!

CAR SKIDS AND THUDS

Sorry.

I can't sleep a wink.

-You know, I can't sleep a wink.

-Yes, Mum.

-You threw it all away.

What must Esme have thought of you?

You woke her up, ruined lunch, crashed the car twice,

demolished a police car and we never got to the library.

She must think you're reckless, hard-driving,

totally irresponsible and unworthy.

-She told me who was going to get the money.

-What?

-Timothy, you're not fibbing, are you?

-No.

-She told you?

-Yes.

Timothy, are you pleased?

-Yes, Mother.

-VERY pleased?

-Yes, Mother.

-Oh, Timmy!

We've done it.

I knew I'd brought you up properly.

It was that picture of you in the crib.

The reason I'm pleased, Mother, is that Aunt Esme told me

-that years ago she set up a trust fund...

-Yes?

..for the provision of dog lavatories throughout Britain.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Not while I'm drinking my cocoa, please.

APPLAUSE