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Episode 1 Spike Milligan: Assorted Q

Episode 1

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Transcript

LineFromTo

Good evening.

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I was watching the television this evening.

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and I thought, there's nothing like a good laugh.

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LAUGHTER

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Take two.

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Good evening.

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I was watching the television this evening

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and I thought, there's nothing like a good laugh.

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LAUGHTER

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Take three.

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I was watching the television this evening.

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LAUGHTER and I thought,

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there's nothing like a good laugh.

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LAUGHTER

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Take four.

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STRAINED VOICE: I was watching...

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LAUGHTER ..the television this evening.

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And I thought, there's nothing like a good laugh.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, BLEEP religion! LAUGHTER

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UPBEAT FANFARE

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LAUGHTER Ah, good morning.

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Erm, this show is called... What?

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MEN HUM What's it called?

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LAUGHTER

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RAMBLES

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HE SHOUTS Q 7, isn't it?

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HE SHOUTS, HUMMING CONTINUES

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LAUGHTER

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You've got to stop doing that.

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You've got to stop that habit.

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-Ready to go in.

-Right.

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Right. OK, fine.

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Ready?

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-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-Yes?

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-Er, good morning, madam.

-Morning.

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-ALL:

-Morning madam.

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Morning.

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LAUGHTER

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I am, er, Herb, er...ahem.

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I am, er, Herbert Screckle, a salesman.

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Er... Me and my fellow directors would like to know...

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LAUGHTER

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.. if, er, you are getting sufficient sympathy

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and understanding in your life?

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Not much. Why?

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Do you mind if we come in, madam?

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-No.

-No.

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Supposing you had been out for a hard day's shopping. Tired out.

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You get on the tube...

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Does anybody... Does anybody get up for you?

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No fear. Not these days. You have to drop bleeding dead.

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There's no need for you to drop bleeding dead, madam.

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LAUGHTER

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Me and my company have invented something for ladies

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that guarantees to get them

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the maximum of sympathy and understanding.

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What is it? Divorce?

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Er, no, no, madam.

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LAUGHTER

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It is not a divorce. Er, Tom?

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Agh! Christ!

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Er, this is the Mark I plastic inflatable sympathy arm.

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Say you were on a crowded Tube...

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I'm on a crowded Tube?

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You're on a crowded Tube.

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You want to sit down, but no-one is getting up for you.

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Beforehand, you have taken the precaution

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of placing this bladder up your back, so.

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Now, then...

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All you have to do is to inflate it.

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PUMPING

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LAUGHTER

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They are infallible, madam.

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They're tried out by 20 of our humpy-back inspectors

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on the modern average day.

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Well, it looks real, but I don't fancy it.

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No, course you do not fancy it, madam. Of course you do not.

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This is the Quasimodo model.

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LAUGHTER

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For men and boys.

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No, for a lady we have something more delicate, eh, Tom?

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-Ow!

-Will you pardon me, madam?

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Would you open your jacket, please?

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Now then. Once again, just imagine you are on a crowded Tube.

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Er, you want to get a seat.

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Then, all you have to do is to inflate this.

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WHOOSHING

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Oh!

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LAUGHTER

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Winds?

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WHOOSHING

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So flex.

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Yes! It is the infallible false pregnancy hump, madam.

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Now then, if on the other hand you...

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-Oh! Hello.

-Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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Have you had a bad day?

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-LAUGHTER

-I had to stand all the way on the Tube.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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Er, that is the end of that bit.

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LAUGHTER

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DRUMROLL Would you now all stand for the national anthem?

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KERCHING

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LAUGHTER

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IN DEEP VOICE: # God save our gracious queen

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# Long live our noble queen

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# God save the queen. #

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What a wonderful tune that is. Lovely tune.

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My wife and I often sing it on an evening, you know?

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I say to her, "Molly? Should we go into the lounge

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"and sing God Save The Queen?"

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She says "Yes, John." And we go down and sing it.

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We often invite Ted and his mother to come over and sing it with us.

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It really is a lovely tune.

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IN DEEP VOICE: God save our grac...

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But I can't understand why it isn't in the chart, you know?

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But, seriously, folks, is it, in fact, like a dead palm tree?

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Out of date.

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-ALL:

-Ooh.

-LAUGHTER

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HE CHUCKLES

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I... I think I got the best out of that joke.

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LAUGHTER

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Get the best out of this one, Sailor! Whoopee!

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Erm...

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LAUGHTER

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That was John Wells in a censored excerpt from the Mountbatten story.

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LAUGHTER

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To find out whether people actually did stand

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for the national anthem, we tried this simple experiment.

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Example one, Kew Gardens...

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GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

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LAUGHTER

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MUSIC SWELLS

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Number two, The Mall...

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GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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CROWD CHEERS

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But then, suddenly it's the Queen.

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GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

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Number four, a sewers...

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ANTHEM PLAYS

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-CLANG

-Ow!

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LAUGHTER And finally...

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GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

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MUSIC SWELLS

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LAUGHTER

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HE WHISPERS: Screwdrivers? Screwdrivers?

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MUSIC ENDS

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Well, there you see, there are those people who just won't.

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But, most people generally, do stand for the national anthem.

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What we can't understand is why they stand for er, Harold Wilson...

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..Edward Heath and Mrs Enid Stone.

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I'm Enid Stone and I'm 62.

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62. Isn't that wonderful, ladies and gentlemen?

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LAUGHTER

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She's 62. Great big hand for Enid Stone, who's 62 and...

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APPLAUSE

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But, what of those ex-patriots

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who are beyond the earshot of God Save The Queen?

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RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS

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There they lie in the corner of some foreign suit

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that is for ever England.

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We carried out the national anthem survey with Lord Louis Mountbatten,

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who'd taken time off from filming Ben-Hur, with a cast of sailors.

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Hello, sailor!

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Har-har-har!

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LAUGHTER

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Using GPO national anthem detectors, we discovered that all people living

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in these areas here, there and there

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were totally without GSTQ - God Save The Queen.

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Yes, we at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office,

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decided to invent a pill which would make you hear the national anthem...

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..in your mind.

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LAUGHTER

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It's wonderful. Very good.

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I heard every... every note... God save...

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STARTS CLUCKING

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HOWLING

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WOOFING

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Of course, these national anthem pills

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have got very, very nasty side-effects.

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But, there are other far worse problems.

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Let us visit the National Anthem Addiction Centre at Sandringham.

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PATIENTS SHOUT

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LAUGHTER

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Here we see men suffering the advanced throes

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and acute agonies of national anthem mania.

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PATIENTS CHATTER

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God save the queen. The queen!

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The Queen, God bless her! The Queen, God bless her!

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-LAUGHTER

-Queen!

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Queen!

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-God save the queen, god bless her. The Queen! The Queen!

-The Queen.

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-The queen, God bless her!

-The queen, god bless her!

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PATIENTS BABBLE

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These are the withdrawal symptoms of compulsive patriotism.

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Even though these people have not heard the national anthem

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for three weeks.

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Fortunately, the GPO has come up with a dial-an-anthem service.

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LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYS

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LAUGHTER Er!

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Operator, I've got a wrong line. Hello?

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Let that give comfort to those who scoff at The Patriot,

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the well-known restaurant which serves Brown Windsor soup

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in the shape of the Duke of Edinburgh.

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LAUGHTER

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This week saw the start of the

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South London Unorthodox Amateur Athletics Association sport week.

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Here, we see competitors from the Bromley Operatic Society

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in the hundred metres singing relay.

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THEY WARM UP

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On your marks.

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GUNSHOT

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-JERUSALEM:

-# And did those feet

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-FASCINATING RHYTHM:

-# Fascinating rhythm, you've got me on the run

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# In ancient time

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# Fascinating rhythm

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# What a mess you're making The neighbours want to know

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# Walk upon England's mountains green?

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# Why am I shaking like a flivver?

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# Each morning I get up with the sun

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# And was the holy Lamb of God

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# To find at night no work has been done.

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# On England's pleasant pastures seen?

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THEY CONTINUE TO SING

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LAUGHTER

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# And did the Countenance Divine

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# Won't you take a day off?

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# Decide to run along

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# Somewhere far away off and make it snappy

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# Shine forth upon our clouded hills?

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# Oh, how I long to be the girl I used to be

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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# What a mess you're making

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# The neighbours want to know why

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# I'm always shaking

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HE SINGS JERUSALEM

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# Fascinating rhythm

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# Fascinating rhythm

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# Oh, won't you stop picking on me!

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Today, sees the finale of the

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annual grandmother-hurling contest at Beachy Head.

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The grandmothers and contestants are just warming up

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for the final throws so over to Ivor Pulcock.

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Hello.

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It's a great day for the grandmother-hurling finals

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here, at Beachy Head.

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In the last three eliminations over 100 grandmothers were

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successfully thrown out to sea, after which only two returned back

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in the penalty time of one and a half minutes.

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Let's go over to last year's champion hurler and grandmother.

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Hello. This is Mr John Squonk and his grandmother Mrs Ethel Squonk.

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Good morning.

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Could you tell us, how old are you?

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Er, five feet, 3.

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LAUGHTER

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And, er, what made you offer yourself for this hurling contest?

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Well, I am a widow, my husband died, my cat died, but...

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-..I didn't. So, my gardener came and did this.

-Yes, my word.

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We come down here in the good weather,

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I give her several good hurls off the cliff on the weekend.

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We have some great fun and the money comes in handy.

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Hello and this is Mr Arthur Grainger and his 80-year-old grandmother.

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Er, Major. Major.

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-I think...

-Grandmother and teacher?

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-And 91.

-91?

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APPLAUSE

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Well, well, well, goodness me. 91 years of age! 91.

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And, er, she, er... The coroner said she was dead.

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He said, "She's dead", but erm...I got a...

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HE STAMMERS

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-..a second opinion.

-Right.

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-Mine.

-Yes.

-And she was in a...

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-She looked all right, so I put her...

-And?

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-She's 91, you see.

-And?

-And they...they go that way, in the end.

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-Now, Major...

-Can't help it, no.

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-When they go... When you say, "They go that way"...

-91.

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-...because... because she's 91.

-And, er, Major and, er...

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What, yourself? You are...?

0:13:380:13:40

-A Major.

-You're a...?

-A Major.

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HE MUTTERS

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Could you tell us? This, er, why are you...?

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HE CHATTERS

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-I think you'll find...

-There's rain out there.

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-The wind blows rough.

-Yes. What I wanted to know, Major...

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-HE SHOUTS: Put the ramp on her, Derek!

-What...

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Put the ramp on her!

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Yes, erm... M...Major, what...?

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-Ah, we haven't got any blocks for the wheel.

-Yes.

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I'm telling him that you're 91.

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-I'd like to...

-91!

-Yes.

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Why are you using apparatus?

0:14:020:14:04

Well, she's got er...

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Got these er...

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..weak ankles, you see.

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And, er, well, she's had them more than a week, actually.

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-I'd say two weeks.

-Is this because of the straps that go around...?

0:14:100:14:13

The... The particular straps?

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Because of the scrabsons on the blink?

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There's a scrabson on the blink.

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Well, we've got these hairy socks

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and I don't like the handheld ones. It gets...

0:14:200:14:23

-And you prefer the traditional method? The tradi...

-Er, no!

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I like the hurl method.

0:14:260:14:28

Hurl out to sea.

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-Er, she's left me money in the will and there's the cottage.

-I see.

0:14:300:14:33

-And er...

-And this is...?

0:14:330:14:35

I'm telling you. I have everything right for you, Granny.

0:14:350:14:37

I see, so I think we're ready.

0:14:370:14:39

-BELL CLANGS

-That sounds...

0:14:390:14:40

-She's 91 and ready.

-Righty one.

0:14:400:14:42

So, I think we're ready for the first scrabsons on the...

0:14:420:14:45

-I mean...

-I'll just get her.

0:14:450:14:46

...for the first, er, hurl.

0:14:460:14:48

The major is just making sure that the straps are...

0:14:480:14:50

Put your fingers in your ears, Granny.

0:14:500:14:52

-I'll put my fingers in my ears.

-Yes.

0:14:520:14:53

And clench your teeth until they go "Pop!".

0:14:530:14:55

She's clenching her teeth now and...

0:14:550:14:57

See the rocks?

0:14:570:14:59

Flatten out!

0:14:590:15:00

He has instructed her... He's instructed her to flatten out

0:15:000:15:04

over the rocks when she's about to go.

0:15:040:15:06

MAJOR TALKS

0:15:060:15:08

Now...

0:15:080:15:09

-Are you ready, dear?

-I'm ready.

0:15:090:15:11

CROWD CHATTERS

0:15:110:15:13

He...he... I think he's ready now. Looking at his watch, he's...

0:15:130:15:17

Waaah!

0:15:170:15:19

LAUGHTER

0:15:190:15:20

Oh! Major, Major, that really was quite wonderful.

0:15:200:15:24

I'd like to congratulate you.

0:15:240:15:26

It was, really, a wonderful hurl.

0:15:260:15:27

-A wonderful hurl.

-Good for her.

0:15:270:15:30

And now John Squonk OBE, with his traditional freestyle hurl.

0:15:300:15:33

Don't worry, darling. The rocks will break your fall.

0:15:330:15:35

-All right, darling.

-He's ready now.

0:15:350:15:37

He wheels her round once.

0:15:370:15:38

-LAUGHTER

-Twice.

0:15:380:15:40

He's building into a cartwheel, into increasing circles.

0:15:400:15:43

-And it's...!

-Agh!

-LAUGHTER

0:15:430:15:46

Oh, that was a beauty. It certainly could be a close thing.

0:15:460:15:50

UPBEAT PIANO TUNE

0:15:520:15:57

APPLAUSE

0:15:570:15:58

# Yesterday...

0:15:580:15:59

# All my troubles seemed so far away

0:15:590:16:02

# Now!

0:16:020:16:03

# Even though they're here to stay

0:16:030:16:05

# Oh, I believe in yesterday

0:16:050:16:08

LAUGHTER

0:16:080:16:09

# Suddenly

0:16:090:16:11

# Suddenly

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UPBEAT TUNE, LAUGHTER

0:16:120:16:13

# I'm just half the man I used...

0:16:130:16:16

# There's a shadow hanging over me

0:16:160:16:18

# Oh, yesterday came suddenly

0:16:180:16:21

# Why she had to go, I don't know

0:16:210:16:24

# She wouldn't say

0:16:240:16:26

UPBEAT TUNE

0:16:260:16:27

ECHOING: # I said

0:16:270:16:28

# Something wrong, now I think of yesterday #

0:16:280:16:32

UPBEAT TUNE

0:16:320:16:33

Agh!

0:16:330:16:34

PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY

0:16:340:16:35

LAUGHTER

0:16:350:16:37

# Yesterday

0:16:380:16:39

PIANO TUNE STARTS AGAIN

0:16:390:16:40

LAUGHTER

0:16:400:16:44

# All my troubles seemed so fa...

0:16:440:16:46

#..far away

0:16:460:16:47

PIANO STARTS AGAIN

0:16:470:16:49

# Now I need a place to...

0:16:490:16:51

# ..hide away

0:16:510:16:53

# Oh, I believe...

0:16:530:16:54

PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY

0:16:540:16:56

LAUGHTER

0:16:560:16:59

LADDER CREAKS

0:16:590:17:00

# In yest...

0:17:000:17:01

Agh. Agh!

0:17:010:17:02

PIANO STOPS

0:17:020:17:04

LADDER CREAKS # Yester...

0:17:040:17:06

Agh! LAUGHTER

0:17:060:17:08

# I believe... #

0:17:090:17:10

No...Agh!

0:17:100:17:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:120:17:15

What you are seeing at this very moment,

0:17:190:17:21

is the smallest police station in the world.

0:17:210:17:24

And I am but the voice over.

0:17:240:17:26

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, it isn't!

0:17:260:17:28

This is the smallest police station in the world

0:17:280:17:30

LAUGHTER

0:17:300:17:31

Yes! It will hold three fully grown policemen or eight large constables.

0:17:310:17:37

Lies! That man is lying!

0:17:370:17:39

I'm not - I'm standing on my head.

0:17:390:17:42

LAUGHTER

0:17:420:17:43

Groans! Groans!

0:17:430:17:45

No!

0:17:450:17:46

This is the smallest police station in the world.

0:17:460:17:49

LAUGHTER

0:17:490:17:50

And I should know!

0:17:500:17:52

Let us put an end to these rumours.

0:17:520:17:54

LAUGHTER

0:17:540:17:55

This is definitely the smallest police station in the world.

0:17:550:17:59

And I am about to incarcerate a criminal in it.

0:17:590:18:04

SPEAKS GIBBERISH

0:18:040:18:05

LAUGHTER

0:18:050:18:06

Elementary, my dear Watson.

0:18:110:18:12

LAUGHTER

0:18:120:18:13

Brilliant!

0:18:130:18:15

WHIRRING

0:18:150:18:16

I see there's only a skeleton service running tonight.

0:18:170:18:19

-LAUGHTER

-Brilliant.

0:18:190:18:21

OK, you dirty rat!

0:18:210:18:22

Hands together.

0:18:220:18:24

-Kneel down.

-Oh!

0:18:240:18:25

Now, listen, blue eyes.

0:18:250:18:26

SPEAKS LATIN

0:18:260:18:31

Amen.

0:18:320:18:33

-Oh!

-GROANS IN PAIN

0:18:330:18:35

This man is laying on his back,

0:18:350:18:36

clutching his throat, groaning and overacting.

0:18:360:18:38

Brilliant!

0:18:380:18:40

-He's wearing a greasy bowler.

-Brilliantine!

0:18:400:18:42

LAUGHTER

0:18:420:18:43

MAN CONTINUES TO GROAN

0:18:430:18:45

But God! He's been...

0:18:450:18:48

..ordained!

0:18:480:18:49

SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC

0:18:490:18:50

LAUGHTER

0:18:500:18:54

Ordained? But who do you suspect?

0:18:540:18:56

It looks like a typical six and three quarter inch collar -

0:18:560:18:58

Archbishop of Canterbury job to me. LAUGHTER

0:18:580:19:00

But I'm Jewish!

0:19:000:19:01

There, there. Now you're...

0:19:010:19:03

..Christian.

0:19:040:19:05

-HE GASPS

-Oh, my life!

0:19:050:19:06

LAUGHTER Oh, no. We need to get him to

0:19:060:19:08

the de-ordination hospital as soon as possible.

0:19:080:19:11

SERENE MUSIC

0:19:120:19:16

LAUGHTER

0:19:160:19:17

And so he came to the mountain and fell down...

0:19:180:19:21

Oi!

0:19:230:19:24

And so it came to pass that they all spake out...

0:19:250:19:29

LAUGHTER

0:19:310:19:32

-Oi!

-One more time!

0:19:320:19:33

-LAUGHTER

-And all the tribes...

0:19:330:19:36

Oi!

0:19:360:19:37

Just know when he's beaten.

0:19:370:19:39

LAUGHTER

0:19:390:19:40

Are you the Jewish mother?

0:19:400:19:42

Well, no, actually I'm a Catholic, but I'll do anything for money.

0:19:420:19:45

LAUGHTER

0:19:450:19:47

This is the worst case of ordination I've seen

0:19:470:19:49

since Pope Pius did the Archbishop of Canterbury job.

0:19:490:19:52

4 minus!

0:19:520:19:55

LAUGHTER

0:19:550:19:56

HE GASPS

0:19:560:19:57

Good God!

0:19:570:19:58

HE GROANS

0:19:580:20:00

LAUGHTER

0:20:000:20:03

It's taken!

0:20:030:20:05

SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC

0:20:060:20:08

HE MIMICS GUN

0:20:080:20:10

Ibe! Ibe!

0:20:100:20:11

-My name's Dick!

-LAUGHTER

0:20:130:20:15

Dick! Dick!

0:20:150:20:16

Anything for money.

0:20:160:20:17

WHISTLING

0:20:170:20:20

Sherlock Holmes...

0:20:200:20:21

This is new, Sergeant!

0:20:210:20:23

LAUGHTER

0:20:230:20:24

I must warn you, that anything you say that is funnier than me,

0:20:250:20:28

will be cut out in the edited repeats.

0:20:280:20:30

LAUGHTER

0:20:300:20:31

Here is a newsflash.

0:20:310:20:33

It's been reported that the Archbishop of Canterbury is

0:20:330:20:36

holding out in Lewisham.

0:20:360:20:37

Exactly what he is holding out, the police will not say.

0:20:370:20:40

LAUGHTER

0:20:400:20:42

It's also reported that he is holding an atheist hostage.

0:20:420:20:45

And here is another flash.

0:20:450:20:46

LAUGHTER

0:20:460:20:48

Listen, Archbishop of Canterbury, we know you're in there

0:20:490:20:52

and we know we're out here.

0:20:520:20:54

Throw out your Cruisiers, or we'll send in the Jesuits!

0:20:540:20:57

LAUGHTER

0:20:570:20:58

Keep back, copper! I got Margaret Thatcher prisoner.

0:20:580:21:01

-LAUGHTER

-One step nearer and she gets ordained.

0:21:010:21:05

INDISTINCT MEGAPHONE

0:21:050:21:07

One step nearer and I'll kill myself!

0:21:070:21:10

This is an opportunity not to be missed.

0:21:100:21:12

Wah!

0:21:120:21:13

LAUGHTER

0:21:150:21:16

Mrs Thatcher, darling! Are you all right?

0:21:170:21:20

Mrs Thatcher is not a darling.

0:21:200:21:21

-LAUGHTER

-Speak to me Mrs Thatcher!

0:21:210:21:23

Speak to me! Can you hear me?

0:21:230:21:25

-She's deaf.

-APPLAUSE

0:21:260:21:28

LAUGHTER

0:21:300:21:31

LAUGHTER

0:21:350:21:38

APPLAUSE

0:21:460:21:49

Mr and Mrs Agh.

0:21:520:21:54

Ah! Come in, sir.

0:21:540:21:56

LAUGHTER

0:21:580:22:00

Erm...

0:22:030:22:04

Now, then...

0:22:090:22:11

..Which one of you two is Mr and Mrs Agh?

0:22:110:22:14

-We are.

-Ha!

0:22:140:22:15

Do you want this privately, or on the National Health?

0:22:170:22:21

National Health.

0:22:210:22:22

CLICKING

0:22:220:22:24

LAUGHTER

0:22:240:22:26

Now, then, what appears to be the trouble?

0:22:340:22:38

It's my husband.

0:22:380:22:39

KAZOO-LIKE VOICE

0:22:390:22:41

LAUGHTER

0:22:410:22:44

Husband? You want a solicitor, not a doctor.

0:22:440:22:48

No, my husband is ill, seriously.

0:22:480:22:51

Suddenly he can't talk proper, like.

0:22:510:22:54

KAZOO VOICE

0:22:540:22:55

LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:59

Has he ever talked proper, like?

0:22:590:23:02

Oh, yes.

0:23:020:23:04

-KAZOO VOICE:

-Oh, yes!

-LAUGHTER

0:23:040:23:06

But, recently, he's become very difficult to see live with.

0:23:060:23:10

-Do you find him trying?

-Aye.

0:23:100:23:12

Last night I found him trying with Mrs Soaper on the back step.

0:23:120:23:16

-LAUGHTER

-That's not an illness.

0:23:160:23:18

Haha. He soon had one, though.

0:23:180:23:20

I fetched him one on the back of his nut, with a coal shovel.

0:23:200:23:23

KAZOO VOICE

0:23:230:23:25

She screams and I belted him on the back of his nut again.

0:23:250:23:28

KAZOO VOICE

0:23:280:23:29

I said, "Bert, will you stop doing it,

0:23:290:23:31

"while I'm trying to talk to her?"

0:23:310:23:33

LAUGHTER

0:23:330:23:34

It were that last blow that done something to his voice.

0:23:340:23:37

What?!

0:23:370:23:39

You tell him, Bert.

0:23:390:23:40

VOICE PLAYS JERKY TUNE

0:23:410:23:45

LAUGHTER

0:23:470:23:49

Good heavens!

0:23:510:23:52

The which of like I never have I not seen,

0:23:520:23:54

which in my whole career etc.

0:23:540:23:56

Say, "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy cow."

0:23:560:23:59

VOICE PLAYS TUNE

0:23:590:24:01

LAUGHTER

0:24:010:24:04

Does he know Little Jack Horner?

0:24:040:24:06

If he lives in Deptford, yes.

0:24:060:24:08

-LAUGHTER

-No, I mean the nursery rhyme.

0:24:080:24:11

VOICE JERKS LITTLE JACK HORNER

0:24:110:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:230:24:26

Ladies and gentlemen, there is no known cure for this disease.

0:24:260:24:30

Therefore, there can be no known ending to this sketch.

0:24:300:24:34

-KAZOO VOICE:

-What?!

0:24:340:24:35

LAUGHTER, BERT TALKS

0:24:350:24:37

APPLAUSE

0:24:370:24:40

HE PLAYS FRANTIC TUNE

0:24:400:24:42

SCALES PIANO

0:24:480:24:50

MUSIC ENDS

0:24:500:24:51

APPLAUSE

0:24:510:24:53

LAUGHTER

0:24:580:25:00

Here's a way of breaking eggs without dirtying your hands.

0:25:060:25:09

Right.

0:25:100:25:11

And here's a way of losing weight rapidly.

0:25:110:25:13

Ah! LAUGHTER

0:25:150:25:17

Another thing, stains.

0:25:170:25:18

Now, here's a way of saving money on stains by not buying washing powder.

0:25:180:25:22

LAUGHTER

0:25:250:25:27

Now, food bills.

0:25:270:25:28

Here's a way of cutting down on family food bills.

0:25:280:25:30

LAUGHTER

0:25:320:25:34

Agh!

0:25:340:25:35

LAUGHTER

0:25:350:25:37

Steady on, steady on, steady on.

0:25:410:25:43

Now, take all your clothes off, stand in front of the mirror naked.

0:25:430:25:46

WOMAN SCREAMS

0:25:460:25:47

LAUGHTER

0:25:470:25:49

And, when you've stopped screaming... LAUGHTER

0:25:490:25:51

..see if you can do this. Watch this. Watch the monitor.

0:25:510:25:54

LAUGHTER

0:25:540:25:57

You fool, Camera 2!

0:26:010:26:02

You've given away the secret of a year.

0:26:020:26:05

That's all they do give away at the BBC.

0:26:050:26:06

Get the outer readers. The outer readers!

0:26:060:26:08

BAND MUSIC PLAYS

0:26:100:26:11

LAUGHTER

0:26:110:26:13

EVERYTHING IS FRESH TODAY:

0:26:170:26:18

# In a little town where I belong

0:26:180:26:20

# There's a most accomplished fellow

0:26:200:26:23

# He's the leader of the village choir

0:26:230:26:25

# And his voice is warm and mellow

0:26:250:26:28

# He drives a fruit cart around the street

0:26:280:26:30

# And everybody knows it

0:26:300:26:33

# He doesn't sing or rave about his fruit

0:26:330:26:35

# His fruit, he simply blows it

0:26:350:26:37

BAND PLAYS TUNE

0:26:390:26:40

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:26:400:26:42

LAUGHTER

0:26:420:26:43

# He's doing it all day long

0:26:430:26:45

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:26:450:26:47

LAUGHTER

0:26:470:26:48

# It's better than any song

0:26:480:26:50

# Though it isn't very pretty

0:26:500:26:52

# You've got to admit it's cute

0:26:520:26:55

# So, all together, let it go

0:26:550:26:57

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES IN TIME

0:26:570:26:58

LAUGHTER

0:26:580:27:00

# Eat more fruit

0:27:000:27:01

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:27:010:27:02

# It's certainly come to stay

0:27:020:27:05

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:27:050:27:06

# It's a treat to hear him say

0:27:060:27:09

# Hey, fruit's in season,

0:27:090:27:11

# Plenty berries

0:27:110:27:12

# Apples, plums and the old raspberries

0:27:120:27:15

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:27:150:27:16

# Everything is fresh today

0:27:160:27:19

BAND CONCLUDES

0:27:190:27:20

BAND STARTS AGAIN

0:27:200:27:21

LAUGHTER

0:27:230:27:25

# Every Friday night when work is done

0:27:250:27:27

# He never wastes a minute

0:27:270:27:30

# To the village hall he hurries 'round

0:27:300:27:32

# Where he sings just like a linnet

0:27:320:27:35

# To hear him blow a melody

0:27:350:27:37

# It's great, you can't deny it

0:27:370:27:40

# And if you've nothing else to do

0:27:400:27:42

# I'd like you all to try it

0:27:420:27:45

BAND PLAYS TUNE

0:27:450:27:46

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:27:470:27:49

LAUGHTER

0:27:490:27:50

# Get ready and do it now

0:27:500:27:52

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:27:520:27:54

# It's easy when you know how

0:27:540:27:57

# Though it isn't very pretty

0:27:570:27:59

# You've got to admit it's cute

0:27:590:28:02

# So, all together, let it go

0:28:020:28:04

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:28:040:28:06

# Eat more fruit

0:28:060:28:07

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:28:070:28:09

# It's certainly come to stay

0:28:090:28:12

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:28:120:28:13

# It's a treat to hear him say

0:28:130:28:15

# Hey

0:28:150:28:17

# Do-te-la-so-fa-me-re-do

0:28:170:28:19

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:28:190:28:21

LAUGHTER

0:28:210:28:23

# Everything is fresh today

0:28:230:28:25

BAND CONCLUDES

0:28:250:28:26

MUSIC CONTINUES

0:28:270:28:29

UPBEAT SOLO

0:28:360:28:39

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:28:460:28:48

LAUGHTER

0:28:480:28:49

# It's certainly come to stay

0:28:490:28:51

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:28:510:28:53

# It's a treat to hear him say

0:28:530:28:55

# Hey, fruit's in season, plenty berries

0:28:550:28:58

# Apples, plums and the old raspberries

0:28:580:29:01

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE

0:29:010:29:02

# Everything is fresh today

0:29:020:29:05

BAND CONCLUDE

0:29:050:29:06

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY SOLO

0:29:060:29:10

CYMBAL CLASH, BAND ENDS

0:29:100:29:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:110:29:12

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