Episode 2 Spike Milligan: Assorted Q

This is the point in the evening where we hand over BBC TWO

into the care of Spike Milligan.

And we've been asked to point out that the programme is unsuitable

for younger viewers, older viewers, those of a nervous disposition

or easily offended.

In fact, the programme is really only suitable for Mr Herbert Throkes

of 2 Gasworks Terrace, Lewisham.

And here it is.

Queue opening titles.

SAWING NOISE

I'm rich!

Good evening.

Hope you've got your choppers in a glass.

Good evening.

Now, many people want to know why this show is called Kuwait

and I am one of them.

What's this? Get the abbey habit, have an affair with a monk.

Owww!

That was a close encounter of a thud kind.

Ah, fingerstall.

Ahh!

I didn't want to waste it.

Right, now I'm going to read this week's Court Circular.

Yesterday the Queen opened Parliament.

Some idiot gave her a key.

Here's some more court news,

Prince Philip got his caught.

And Prince Charles got his caught

and the royal tailor has been dismissed.

Good evening and I mean that most sincerely, I really do.

Tonight we present the prizes for duration...

in the singing and hanging contest.

Third prize goes to Tom Legs, who sang and hung from a horizontal bar

for three hours and two minutes, great big hang.

APPLAUSE

Second prize goes to Berts Bromps, who sang and hung

from the horizontal bar for four hours and 39 minutes.

Great big hang.

APPLAUSE

But the winner is Mr Eric Treacle, who sang and hung

from the horizontal bar for an amazing 24 days.

APPLAUSE

And the Lord said unto all men, "Always wear clean underwear"

and the Pharisees say, "Whyfore thereafter which?"

and He said,

"Because supposing thou art knocked down in the street,

"blessed are they that weareth clean kn-ickers."

So even though they'd be knocked down in the street

by a bus, verily,

they will be pure of heart from the waist down.

Ah-achoo!

Ah-achoo.

MUSIC: Flight Of The Valkyries by Wagner

CAR SCREECHES CAR CRASHES

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Um... There's a cheque in the post.

-Oh... Lady Lewisham?

-Yes.

I'm sorry your husband has been in an accident.

-Is it serious?

-Yes, he was wearing dirty knickers.

-Eww!

-Worst of all, they were yours.

CAR HORN HOOTS

CAR TYRES SCREECH

CAR CRASHES

-Ah, Princess Drabsville?

-There's a cheque in the post.

I'm sorry to tell you that your husband has been seriously killed.

Don't cry, don't cry,

I tell you because he was wearing...

clean knickers!

ROMANTIC, HAPPY ENDING MUSIC

-Freeze frame!

-APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Coronation Street Theme

KNOCK ON DOOR

Rah! This would never have happened if they had used Super Cover.

The English invention that hides crappy British cooking

from the tourists.

Yes, even the smartest of us can be caught with our menus down.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory by Edward Elgar

Excellent.

Yes. Super Cover can even fool royalty.

Another idea from British Leyland in its eternal search

for an alternative to making motorcars.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, what? Yes, right...

Shush.

The answer to our question last week

'what do Scotsmen have up those kilts?'

The winner chosen by Huw Wheldon

was Her Majesty the Queen who said...

Gas stoves.

Yes...a gas stove is what a Scotsman has up his kilt.

It wasn't the right answer but it was the only one we could publish.

Some of you suggested certain other things were lodged up

Scotsmen's kilt, one lady suggested a grand piano,

a set of spoons and someone else said Larry Grayson.

To find out the real answer to this, over to Stirling Castle.

Stand easy!

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

BELL CHIMES

DRUM BANGS

Atten-shun.

BELLS JINGLE

I do not understand it. It has only done 8,000 yards.

By God, Bert, look!

Here comes the Queen!

What am I going to do?

God bless you, Your Majesty.

Yes, Super Cover,

another idea from Leyland's to hide their crummy products.

Freeze frame.

INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC STARTS

TRUMPET HOOTS SUDDENLY

TRUMPET HOOTS LOUDLY

Here is a Ministry of Information film.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

And, now, for some totally useless

information, did you know if

you strike a female desk, it screams?

MAN: Owwwwww!

God, it's a male?!

Funny place to hang a saveloy.

This is a Hamlet pencil,

2B or not 2B.

Now, did you know if you break a pencil, it screams?

Aaaaah!

-GUN FIRES

-Now the next...

Good God, it's Harry Secombe.

And he's had the operation.

Did you know if you tear a hole in a piece of paper,

you can see through the other side?

If you tear a hole on the other side, you can see back in again.

-GUN FIRES

-Now then, next...

Good God, it's Mrs Thatcher's bank manager,

suffering withdrawal symptoms.

I wonder who she is. Right.

Next, do you know a piece of paper will take

the weight of the human body without breaking?

GUN FIRES

Good heavens, it's Richard III Part One.

And next... Ah, and there's Part Two. Right.

Did you know, if you kept a newspaper for seven days,

it gets one week behind?

Here's another way to get a week behind.

-GUN FIRES

-Ahhhh!

-GUN FIRES

-Now then...

Good God, it's the Duke of Edinburgh.

I'm sorry, Philip, I suppose this means the knighthood's

out of the question.

And that's...that's for not getting me an OVP.

Good evening, yes. Tonight, a tribute

to the late Sir Edward Elgar

whose favourite instrument was the...

..was the B-flat garden hose

with which he wrote many great pieces including...

..Underneath The Armpits, Dream My Names Away.

Right.

THEY PLAY ARMPIT HOSE IN TUNE TO ELGAR'S MUSIC

SPEECH HEAVILY FAST FORWARDED

Anti-Yap.

For the husband who's had enough.

I'd like to read this excerpt in the Reader's Digest.

Thank you.

Now, this is a true advert in this paper.

"Zenith atomic clock powered by solar batteries

"will run for 100 years.

"Guaranteed for 12 months."

And now, here is the late news.

Racing motorist Gettafitta Paldi told a judge

his wife didn't understand him.

Asked why, he said she was Bulgarian.

She admitted later she could neither read nor write English

and granting a decree nisi, the judge said,

"She did sound like an ignorant Bulgar."

But the bodies of three bank robbers were found encased in cement

at the bottom of the Mersey docks.

Police said they believe them to be hardened criminals.

Good morning. I've been sent along here by my doctor for an eye test.

-He thinks I need glasses.

-I think you do!

This is a fish shop!

We interrupt this programme to tell you that this is an official

BBC interruption...

And now, we interrupt this programme to tell you that

the interruption to the interruption is over.

Good night.

HE SINGS

Good evening.

Er, the Pope has promised Bruce Forsyth an audience.

He's sending a charabanc of nuns to the Palladium.

Marylebone police are looking for a tall blonde with a 42-inch bust.

Asked what the charge was, they said there's no charge,

we're just looking for a tall blonde.

HE PLAYS PIANO

HE GROANS

SILENT FILM SCORE PLAYS

Cut to a picture of Spike dressed as Hitler

wearing German Admiral's uniform.

Standing on what appears to be the bridge of the Bismarck,

or some other herring.

Standing with three actors all dressed identically.

These additional Hitlers are all looking puzzled.

They have been cloned.

Bring on the clones.

No idea what they're doing on the bridge of a herring called Bismarck.

Neither have we. That is why we are getting out

of this sketch as soon as possible.

Yes, quite obviously, Hitler doesn't know the sketch is over

and is going for a laugh.

There goes one now.

Watch out, Poland! You're next!

-TV PRESENTER:

-Here is an announcement for a Mr Al Capone.

Your sketch has ended and there is a cheque in the post.

Another sketch will follow almost immediately.

Meanwhile, here is a test card.

Here is the Reverend Franklin with a few calming words.

Librium, Valium, Mogadon.

And, er... And as a funny payoff.

Ah-achoo!

-I say, I say, I say.

-What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?

-My dog has no nose.

-How does he smell?

-Terrible.

-I say, I say, I say.

-What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?

-My dog has no nose.

-How does he smell?

-Terrible.

-I say, I say, I say.

-What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?

-My dog has no nose.

-How does he smell?

-Terrible.

-What are we supposed to be doing?

-Running eggs.

I say, I say, I say...

HE SINGS GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

WHOOPING NOISE

-Chateau deeth!

-House of the Death!

-What?

THEY GROAN

-HE BLOWS WHISTLE

-Have a break.

THEY GROAN

Rats!

THEY SQUEAK

THEY MEOW

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-Woof!

-Wrong!

THEY SCREAM

THEY SING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE

Yes! I'm back to life! I'm white horse to the centre sponge!

And it's the stone ranger and...

BLASTING NOISES

-What's that?

-Stop, Stop!

-All stop.

-This is getting ridiculous.

-What do you mean ridiculous?

MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky

-IMPRESSION OF MARGARET THATCHER:

-Attention, studio audience.

Thatcher!

The next joke is waiting for you at Golders Green.

This government will continue to pursue policies

which will bring it within our grasp.

APPLAUSE

And now, here to reply to the Prime Minister's speech

is Mr Edward Mancroft, the Labour member for Deptford.

CUTLERY FALLS

My lords, ladies,

Mr Lord Mayor,

Madam Prime Minister.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Hitler sings George Formby.

-HE SINGS IN GERMAN ACCENT

-# Oh, Mr Vu,

# Vot can I do?

# I've got to go... #

-MAN SINGS:

-# Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

# There they are all standing in a row. #

-Morning, darling.

-Good morning, my wee lovey.

What a lovely morning it is.

HE MOANS

BELL CHIMES

ANNOUNCER 1: Yes, she knows what his problem is.

It's 'the farmers'.

-ANNOUNCER 2:

-Yes, what he needs is Preparation Ouch.

Just one a day with the new applicator.

-Good morning, darling.

-Good morning, darling.

What a beautiful day it's been.

Oh, look, my favourite breakfast.

HE CHUCKLES

Yes, send your farmers packing with...

..Preparation Ouch.

A newsflash, we've just heard

that the unemployment figures are starting to fall drastically.

So, for an explanation,

over now to Mr Norman Tebbit, the Minister of Employment.

GUNSHOT

HE WHISTLES

GUNSHOT

HE WHISTLES

HE BLOWS A HORN

Thank you, thank you,

that'll be all today, Ms Molly.

Thank you very much.

-Ah, come in.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

SQUEAKING

Ah, Mr Daft.

SQUEAKING CONTINUES

Do sit down, will you, Shrinker.

Look here, Shrinker, I expect you're wondering why I sent for you.

Tell me, how long have you been a suppository tester...?

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I started at the bottom

and, er, and I stayed there.

Yes, of course,

with your condition you are the ideal test-bed.

Tell me, how long have you worked here?

182 years, sir.

182?

Yes, I've put a lot of overtime in, mind you.

HE GROANS

I can't sit down on this job.

Look here, Shrinker.

It's never been my policy to focus on

other people's handicaps

but er, look, what I'm trying to say is well,

you see, you have a certain problem.

You, you mean, the metrics?

-Metrics?

-Yes, the metric miles.

-Oh, you mean the piles?

-Yes, sir.

Didn't you know we call them metrics, sir?

I assure you, Shrinker, I have no axe to grind with the piles.

Thank heavens, for hearing you say that, sir.

Look here, Shrinker,

it's come to my attention that, while working here,

while testing suppositories,

you've been bursting into flames.

I know, sir. I'm very sorry, sir.

Ever since you started working here, you've caught fire 32 times.

And on one occasion,

both your legs became a blazing inferno

and firemen had to force their way into your trousers

using breathing apparatus.

Do you mind, sir?

No, go ahead.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Er, look here, Shrinker,

I'm afraid you'll have to be made redundant.

No.

Yes, I'm afraid so, you see,

you've been superseded by the latest development

in haemorrhoid technology.

Not nuclear piles?

No, the new,

self-inserting suppository applicator.

HE SCREAMS

-Run Telecine.

-No.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Preparation Ouch puts a smile on your face.

-FEMALE ANNOUNCER:

-The 'in' thing.

NEWSREADER: "Shih Tzu dogs terrify London."

-NEWSREADER:

-"Lamppost slaughter by Shih Tzu dogs continues."

NEWSREADER: "Shih Tzu dog scare.

"'What next?', asks Maggie Thatcher."

SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

MUSIC RESUMES

-HE WHISPERS:

-Is it on?

Er, um, the...um,

very high up here tonight, very high up there.

And, um...

This has got a bit, er...

It'll be very low all the way down there.

And, um...

this is...England tonight.

All this, is England.

And, um, that, um...

this will be England tomorrow.

All tomorrow.

You'll see, you'll just see,

you wait, you'll see that's England tomorrow.

Er, the whistler and his dog.

HE WHISTLES

Woof.

Er, the whistler and his...horse.

HE WHISTLES

Er, the whistler and, er, somebody else...

HE WHISTLES

..er, Jim.

-IN A REGIMENTAL TONE:

-Dearly, I stand to you -

Eyes, front!

Deputy...

Our Father,

Who art i-i-in Heaven.

As you were, as you were.

Hallowed be thy-y-y name.

Thy Kingdom - wait for it, wait for it -

come.

Thy will, be done.

Give us this day-y-y.

Our daily bread. Steady, steady, steady.

And forgive us our trespasses.

As we forgive them

who've trespassed against us.

A-a-amen.

SOLDIERS' FEET STOMP