A Perfect Christmas Steptoe and Son


A Perfect Christmas

Classic comedy. Albert and Harold plan a Christmas abroad - in their own inimitable style.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Oh, hello. Won't be long, nearly finished. Looks nice, doesn't it?

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Oh, it's a veritable fairyland(!)

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I was transported to another world for a minute.

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I can hardly contain my gasps of wonder and amazement -

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Ooooh!

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Aaah!

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Aahahah!

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I recall the splendour of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King(!)

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Are you taking the Arthur Bliss?

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No, no, no. Really, it is quite magnificent.

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I... It's like Disneyland, a scene from Cinderella.

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I closes my eyes, I see the little fairy come through the window, leaving a trail of stardust.

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# When you wished upon a star

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# Makes no difference who you are, aa...

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# ..aahaha aahaha aahahaa... #

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Geddit all down.

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-What's wrong with it?

-Tat! That's what - tat!

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You've put up the same rubbish since I was five.

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The whole thing is pathetic.

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If I left it to YOU, we... we wouldn't have any decorations.

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No point decorating this rathole.

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Like trying to grow daffodils on the dungheap outside!

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One cannot disguise this sordidness with a few coloured strips of paper.

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Well, it's only once a year...

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The rest of the year you never touch the place.

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Takes a bleedin' excavation to find the floor!

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But at Christmas, out comes your little hammer - bang, bang!

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# Heigh ho, off to work we go... #

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Oh, sod yer then!

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Down!

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Down!

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Down, down, down!

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You!

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Ah-ah-ah!

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LOUD POPS

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Aaaargh!

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-Well, is that better? Does that suit you?

-Yep.

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Good, cos that's me finished. That's my Christmas over.

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No more! Cook your own dinner, crack your own nuts, pull your own crackers!

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You're not getting any more from me!

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Good night!

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You're on your own, enjoy yourself!

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I will...

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cos I won't be here.

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What did you say?

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-I said I won't be here.

-Why? Where are you going?

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I haven't quite made up my mind, but as long as it's not this place.

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Oh, Harold.

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You do this every year!

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I know, and every year you prevail, and I spend Christmas in this hole.

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Well, NOT this year. I'm going...anywhere!

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We always have a good time.

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-We don't.

-Well, you can watch the telly.

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I don't want to. I watch the telly every Christmas, every day for three solid days!

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Ow! Aargh!

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Watching telly's the same as eating and drinking -

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one does it cos one is bored... with Christmas.

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All you get on telly is Christmas stuffed down your cakehole!

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They all do something special.

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There'll be Z-Cars with holly stuck in their helmets...

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investigating a special Christmas crime -

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someone found up an alley, battered to death with a Christmas pudding!

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It'll be Christmas Cilla, Christmas Lulu and a Christmas Muggeridge.

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And Cliff Richard'll be singing "Ave Maria"

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with the Younger Generation, done up in habits...

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..split to the crutch of course!

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Yeeuurch!

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Christmas Coronation Street will be a party at the Rover's Return.

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Albert Tatlock tries to have it away with Minnie Caldwell in the cellar!

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Not any more! I'm not going through that!

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Well, I enjoy it.

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I like telly, all them stars giving up their Christmas to entertain us.

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They don't give up their Christmas.

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All them programmes is recorded in October!

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At Christmas, they're away sunning themselves in the South of France.

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And we're sat here, freezing, watching 'em.

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Oh, you're so simple.

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Don't like going away at Christmas.

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-You'll have to stay here.

-I don't like being alone.

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Come with me then. You won't talk me out of it.

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Have your heart attacks - "Aargh!". It won't make no difference.

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"Aargh!

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"I'm going..."

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I don't think I'd enjoy it, Harold.

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You never know till you try it. Go on, give it a go!

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Do something different for once in your life...go mad!

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Can we afford to go away?

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Of course. I've been totting it up.

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We've got £3 in the bank, £7 in the building society...

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..and we have got seventy nine pounds eighty in the swear box!

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COINS RATTLE

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You're NOT 'aving that, it's mine!

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-No, it's not. YOU did the swearing, but

-I

-had to listen - it's mine.

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It's not a savings bank, it's a penalty - 10p per swear.

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If you think you're going away with my bleedin' £79.80,

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-you've got another think coming!

-What £79.80?

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MY bleedin...

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Ah!

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That's two bleedings at 10p per time.

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COINS RATTLE

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I make it a round eighty quid!

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BELL PINGS

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Thank you, woof woof, thank you.

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Plus a "sod you then", when you pulled the decorations down.

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Another 10p, please.

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Nnyeeah.

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Yeah! There should be enough here for a nice Christmas package for two.

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You rotten little...

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Yeah, yeah, go on! Morefortheswearbox.

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Heh heh! Any more? No?

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Right.

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Aah.

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Sit, sit. Good girl.

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Aah, yes!

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The world is our oyster.

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-I don't like oysters.

-Shutup!Now, let's see.

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Oh. Here, where do you fancy?

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Do you want to spend your Christmas eating turkey in the Canaries?

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Perhaps you'd like to eat canaries in Turkey!

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The whole world to choose from, it's all there - poundstretchers to Paradise.

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Where do you fancy?

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Bognor.

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Bognor.

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Let's see. No, I don't think British Airways still runs a jumbo jet service to Bognor!

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If I can't stay here, it's Bognor!

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Mrs Boxwood's boarding house, right on the front, lovely rooms -

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bathroom on every landing.

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-How'd you know? You was only there two weeks.

-Smashin' it was.

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And her grub! Cor, she don't 'alf give you a plateful!

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She gives you a MOUTHFUL if you're late!

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What's wrong with half past ten? What can you do after half past ten?

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Exactly! In this country, nothing!

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I wanna go abroad, get a bit of the old currant bun on me bones.

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-There's currant bun in Bognor.

-Not in December! Brrr.

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No, I want proper sun - all day long.

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I don't want to spend Christmas dragging myself along the seafront, in a gale, holding onto the railings!

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Well, what then?

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We'll look at these. There's lots to choose from.

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Here, how do you fancy...Acapulco?

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Nobody's sticking no needles in me!

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AC-A-PUL-CO!

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You are the stupidest little...mmm...

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..I've ever met in my life!

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Acapulco is in Mexico.

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Oh, it's swinging there, Dad. That's where Frank Sinatra goes.

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-Oh, those bronzed, lithe bodies... in their bikinis...

-Eeurgh.

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Laying out on the swimming pool, on your lilo, having your drinks floated out to you...

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I bet a quart of brown ale wouldn't float very far.

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I'm talking about Acapulco. You ain't gonna get brown ale floating about on THEIR swimming pools.

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Tequila!

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That's the drink down there.

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Salt round the edge of the glass, and a twist of lemon over the side.

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Yeeeuurrgh!

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Lemon and salt!

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You'd shrink me mouth. I wouldn't be able to get me teeth back in!

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Oh!

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You're so plebeian!

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That's a swearword.

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No, it's not.

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It means a member of the lower order of society - class five.

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What the... do you think you are then?

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If I've got decent clobber on, I'm quite classless.

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I mean - providing I don't open my mouth - I could pass for anybody.

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So, we can give Acapulco the elbow?

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Yeah. It's too much money, anyway.

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Kenya. Oh, that's nice.

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We can go on safari - big game hunting.

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I can do that up in me bed.

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Please.

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You're not being very helpful, are you?

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You're so full of big ideas, aren't you?

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Kenya! Acupuncturo!

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I don't know where you get 'em.

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I never went to them places. Hop-picking was as far as I got.

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I had to work. I worked harder on me holidays than I did here.

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Me fingers were green for a fortnight after!

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Yeah? Well I want my bum brown for a fortnight when I get home.

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But...I...I..admit that Acapulco and Kenya may be a trifle ambitious.

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Phew...!

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We could certainly go anywhere in Europe. How about France?

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Four days, 40 quid! We can manage that.

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No.

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I spent Christmas in France, twice -

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during the First World War. Horrible place.

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Full of holes and mud.

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Not now it ain't! It's not like that all the time.

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After you lot finished, they filled 'em in.

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I don't want to go there. It'd bring back too many bad memories.

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I don't mean northern France, I mean the Riviera or the Alps. Oh...

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Christmas in the snow.

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Ah, those little ski villages nestling against the mountainside.

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The clean air, the blue skies, the sun...

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-The broken legs...

-The broken...

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No fear! We're not going skiing.

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We're going for parties and apres-ski. You've heard about that?

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Hot drinks in front of a log fire. Chatting up birds from all over Europe -

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"Je t'aime",

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"Entschuldigen Sie",

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"Osso bucco"...

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I'll wear that red sweater. I'll pretend to be a ski instructor, and I've pulled me hamstring...

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It's the only thing you will pull!

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What's gonna happen to me while all this is going on?

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We'll find you someone - a rich old boot from Bavaria!

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All the old men, slaving away in the car factories, bung the old women up in the mountains. You'll be quids in.

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Oooh! We can pretend that you are an English lord.

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POSH ACCENT: You've gorn up there to purchase a chateau to avoid wealth tax.

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"Woof woof." Down,boy! It's not a tax collector, just a Swiss peasant.

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You live in a dream world, you do.

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Well, it's better than this place.

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Dad, we'll be the centre of interest.

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When they find out we're English we will be!

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They'll be waiting to see what tour-firm has collapsed.

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It's a joke to be British abroad these days.

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No. Let's go to Bognor, we'll be all right there - we're all they've got!

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We're NOT going to Bognor!

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We don't have to be British.

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We can be...Australian.

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You can do an Australian accent - it's easy.

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"Hello there, Sheila. You little beaut.

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"Just shootin' through Europe before I get back to the old sheep station."

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"Woof woof!" Shut your face...

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"D'ya fancy getting your hands on a lager. I've got a case of Fosters up in the bedroom, know what I mean."

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Waw! They'll never tumble!

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If you think I'm gonna talk like that, you're mistaken. I'm British and proud of it.

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Well, there must be somewhere we're welcome.

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Holland! They likes us.

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You can't ski there, you'd never get the speed up!

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Flat as a witch's tit, it is there.

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Ah-ha!

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But they go skating on their canals.

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We can skate on OUR canal out there.

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You can't rely on it! When was the last time the canal froze over?

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It's not the same. In Amsterdam you don't have to jump over old mattresses and bike frames!

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I am NOT pretending to be an It... an Australian.

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Scottish then - all that oil coming ashore under your heather-clad land.

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-I can't do a Scottish accent.

-Aw, do what ya bleedin' like then!

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BELL PINGS I don't know why I bother.

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Neither do I.

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Let's stay here.

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No!

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All these lovely places to choose from. There must be somewhere what you fancy...

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The Black Sea.

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Eeuurgh!

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Don't be so daft!

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It's not really black.

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It might be though, if you go swimming in it!

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-I hear it's very nice there.

-Where is it?

-In Russia.

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In the Crimea. Here you are...

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Four days at the Workers' Palace Hotel, 43 quid.

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-I daren't go back to Russia.

-Get out of here, you've never been!

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-I have!

-When?

-1919.

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Don't tell me you was Isadora Duncan's dancing partner?!

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NO!

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A secret agent!

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003 and a half! The Mighty Midget! The smallest spy in the West...

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..sent out there to photograph the secret Russian junkyard (!)

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They couldn't catch him - the Scarlet Pimple!

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They seek him here, they seek him there,

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Joe Stalin seeks him everywhere.

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Oooooooh.

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Untraceable in the snowy wastes...aooooh...

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..because his head never come above his footprints(!)

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I've bin there, in a British expeditionary force to Archangel.

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I was helping put down the Bol-SHAVE-iks - fighting for me country!

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Fighting against the WORKERS.

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You're a traitor to your class.

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I'm not a worker!

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That's true.

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I daren't go back there. If they found out I fought them, they'd put me up against a wall and shoot me!

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I'll go and book the ticket.

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I'm NOT going behind the iron curtain!

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I'm not giving no money to no Communists so they take us all over.

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Oh yeah! Your £43 is gonna buy quite a few ballistic missiles (!)

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Every little helps.

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I am NOT going!

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HE SIGHS

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Sweden and Denmark!

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-Eeuuugh!

-Oh, you'd like Denmark.

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They have live sex shows out there.

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-Get away!

-Oh, they do.

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You mean they actually...?

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..On the stage?!

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Everybody lookin'?

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Not over Christmas, surely?

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Of course they do!

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It's their equivalent of pantomime.

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They do the same stories as us.

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They do Cinderella...

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spelled with an S.

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Buttons isn't in it.

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It takes too long to undo (!)

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Jack and the Beanstalk.

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Puss In KINKY Boots!

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HE GIGGLES

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You're having me on.

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Oh dear! Where do you want to go?

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I'm not going anywhere dirty - not over Christmas. I want somewhere clean, wholesome and respectable.

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How about four days in a launderette in Cheltenham?

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Honestly! You make me laugh, you do!

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People falling over themselves to get away! All these places to choose from. You're so XENOPHOBIC!

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I AM NOT! I just don't like foreigners!

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-Where do you wanna go then?

-I don't mind.

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-Belgium?

-No!

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You can't have nothin' against them. They never done no harm to anybody!

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-Brussels.

-No!

-Why? If you say you don't like sprouts, I'll kill you!

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I can't go to Brussels.

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The police are still looking for me.

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Since when?

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1918.

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They'll still be looking for you?

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Oh yes. They'll never forgive me.

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The army had to smuggle me out.

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I'm persona non grata.

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I know this is silly.

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-What did you do?

-Well...

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..you know that statue there of the little boy having a Jimmy riddle?

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-The Maneken Pis.

-Yeah, that's him.

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Well, it's a tradition that all regiments out there

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present him with a suit of clothes.

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Well, our regiment had a big parade in front of the statue.

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There was our commanding officer,

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the King of Belgium, and the Lord Mayor of Brussels.

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Go on. What did you do?

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-It was only a joke...

-Ha ha, what did you do?

-I didn't mean anything.

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WHAT did you DO?!

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I turned on the little boy's water pressure full -

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knocked the mayor's hat off.

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No, I can't go back there.

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Where do you wanna go?

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-I don't mind.

-Oh, for GOD'S SAKE!

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I'm gonna choose. Ccome if you wanna, or stay here!

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I'm gonna have these brochures out all over the table.

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I closes my eyes and I choose one at random...

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IN TOMMY COOPER VOICE: ..just like that!

0:20:540:20:57

Switzerland? Got anything against that? And don't tell me the International Red Cross is after you.

0:20:570:21:04

No, I can go there, that's all right

0:21:040:21:08

-That's settled then?

-Yeah.

-Christmas in Switzerland?

0:21:080:21:12

Yeah.

0:21:120:21:13

Thank gawd! It's taken as long to decide as it will to get there!

0:21:130:21:18

Eh? What do you mean? We're not flying?!

0:21:180:21:22

No, we're swimming (!)

0:21:220:21:24

Of course we're flying.

0:21:240:21:26

Oh no, Harold. I can't fly. I'm too old.

0:21:260:21:29

You don't have to pilot, you just sit there!

0:21:290:21:33

You can say what you like. I'm NOT flying!

0:21:330:21:36

OK, we'll go by train and boat.

0:21:360:21:38

Not by boat in this weather, I'll be sick.

0:21:380:21:42

No, let's go to Bognor?

0:21:420:21:44

I'M NOT going to Bognor!

0:21:440:21:47

I'm going to Switzerland by night ferry. You don't even know you're at sea cos you're on the train asleep!

0:21:470:21:54

The train goes on the boat?!

0:21:540:21:56

Of course it does!

0:21:560:21:58

-It'll be too heavy, it'll sink!

-No, it won't sink!

0:21:580:22:03

You will be lying...on your bunk...

0:22:030:22:06

..on the train...on the boat.. spark out.

0:22:060:22:09

How can you be sure?

0:22:090:22:11

Cos I'm absolutely certain that before the train reaches Dover,

0:22:110:22:16

I'll 'ave belted you one!

0:22:160:22:19

Christmas in Switzerland?

0:22:190:22:21

-Right?

-Right.

-Night ferry?

0:22:210:22:23

...I s'pose so.

0:22:230:22:26

Good.

0:22:260:22:28

Phew! Right...now.

0:22:300:22:32

Er...where's your passport?

0:22:320:22:34

Haven't got one.

0:22:340:22:36

Why have we been sitting here talking about going abroad then?

0:22:370:22:42

I 'aven't. You 'ave. I want to go to Bognor.

0:22:420:22:46

WE'RE NOT GOING TO BOGNOR!

0:22:460:22:49

Oh, we'll have to get you an emergency passport.

0:22:500:22:55

Now, I shall need a photograph and your birth certificate.

0:22:550:22:59

Where's your birth certificate?

0:22:590:23:01

With my medals.

0:23:010:23:03

Where's your medals?

0:23:030:23:05

-With me marriage certificate.

-Where's that?

0:23:050:23:08

-With me insurance policy.

-Where's your insurance policy?

0:23:080:23:11

I've lost it.

0:23:110:23:13

I'm gonna bop you one before we even get to Victoria!

0:23:130:23:17

Where did you last see it?

0:23:170:23:19

Under the goldfish bowl.

0:23:190:23:22

When?

0:23:260:23:28

1939.

0:23:280:23:30

Then, when the Blitz started, I put it somewhere safe.

0:23:300:23:34

Did you hear that, Charlie? He put it somewhere safe.

0:23:340:23:37

Have you seen it, Charlie?

0:23:370:23:40

Somewhere safe...in 'ere.

0:23:400:23:42

That's very reasonable(!)

0:23:420:23:45

Where?

0:23:450:23:46

-"I can't remember..."

-..can't remember.

0:23:460:23:50

Naturally. It won't be up in the attic, that's not safe, even today!

0:23:500:23:55

We ain't got a cellar.

0:23:550:23:57

Wait a minute. Where did we used to go during the bombing in the Blitz.

0:23:570:24:02

-Down the pub.

-No...

0:24:020:24:05

No, no. YOU used to go down the pub. Where did you use to put me?

0:24:050:24:10

-Under the stairs.

-That's it, under the stairs.

0:24:100:24:14

Every night, alone. That's another thing I've never forgiven you for.

0:24:140:24:20

Safest place. You always saw the stairs left standing!

0:24:200:24:24

Exactly! I suggest that's the first place we look.

0:24:240:24:29

SHOUTS FURIOUSLY You could clean this place up occasionally...

0:24:380:24:44

INDISTINCT INSULTS

0:24:440:24:48

..it's like Rimmington Place in there!

0:24:480:24:52

Go on.

0:24:570:24:59

Get in there.

0:24:590:25:01

It's dark, Harold.

0:25:010:25:02

Yeah...It was during the war as well.

0:25:020:25:06

Come on!

0:25:080:25:09

In you go.

0:25:090:25:11

I don't wanna, we don't know what's in there.

0:25:110:25:14

Exactly.

0:25:140:25:16

It might be treasures untold.

0:25:160:25:18

'Ere! Think of yourself as a new Lord Cardigan -

0:25:180:25:22

opening the tomb of Tutankhamen.

0:25:220:25:25

-Go on, get in!

-No, I don't want to.

0:25:250:25:27

-GET IN!

-I don't wanna.

-GET IN!

0:25:270:25:30

-Get away, get away!

-TINNY BANGING

0:25:300:25:32

What is it?!

0:25:320:25:34

There might be mice in there.

0:25:340:25:36

What do you want - a whip? Go on, get in!

0:25:360:25:40

Arrrgh!

0:25:400:25:42

-Be careful of of those spitting vipers, Carruthers.

-Oh, get stuffed!

0:25:420:25:48

Have you broken through to the inner tomb yet?

0:25:480:25:52

Oh! Beyond my wildest dreams(!)

0:25:520:25:55

Thank God, the tomb robbers didn't get there before us(!)

0:25:570:26:01

Oh! I don't believe it...

0:26:010:26:04

..it's the King's leg(!)

0:26:040:26:06

Find the rest of him and we'll display him at the British Museum.

0:26:060:26:11

Hello, hello, hello.

0:26:110:26:13

What have we here?

0:26:130:26:15

A-ha!

0:26:150:26:17

Hieroglyphics...

0:26:170:26:19

"Ministry of Food ration book."

0:26:210:26:25

What strange annotations -

0:26:250:26:28

eggs, meat, points. What can it mean?

0:26:280:26:32

If only we had the Rosetta Stone - we could interpret.

0:26:320:26:36

It must be religious.

0:26:360:26:38

I'll crack this code, Carruthers!

0:26:380:26:42

Oh! My number 9 bus!

0:26:420:26:44

Aah!

0:26:440:26:46

I used to play with this for hours in there.

0:26:460:26:50

Vrooom, ding ding, ding ding.

0:26:500:26:52

I always wanted to be a conductor, ha ha!

0:26:520:26:56

"No standing on top. Move along the car, please.

0:26:560:27:00

"One two three four five. You OFF!

0:27:000:27:02

"There'll be another one along in a minute. Ding ding!

0:27:020:27:07

"Last bus for the depot."

0:27:070:27:08

-Ha ha!

-What are you doin' out there, you stupid great kid?

0:27:080:27:13

Nuffin'. I was just...

0:27:130:27:15

-You found them yet?

-No.

0:27:150:27:18

Go on, get back in there!

0:27:180:27:20

They're not here. Let's forget it, Harold. Let's go to Bognor.

0:27:200:27:25

We're NOT going there! Get in, and find them!

0:27:250:27:28

I've found 'em!

0:27:280:27:30

All right. You can come out then.

0:27:300:27:32

They're in 'ere.

0:27:340:27:36

"Harold Steptoe.

0:27:450:27:47

"Six and seven eighths."

0:27:470:27:50

Couldn't afford the rest of the uniform.

0:28:040:28:07

I know.

0:28:110:28:12

Scrubs Lane Elementary School.

0:28:210:28:26

"Accipe

0:28:260:28:29

"locum

0:28:290:28:30

"gratis."

0:28:300:28:32

"Know thy place and be grateful."

0:28:340:28:37

What a con trick!

0:28:410:28:43

Right.

0:28:430:28:44

Phew!

0:28:450:28:47

-Wireless Receiving Licence, 1938...

-It's out of date.

0:28:480:28:53

Never mind, it's the most up-to-date one we've got.

0:28:530:28:59

Skinners Arms Christmas Club,

0:28:590:29:02

January 1936...

0:29:020:29:04

Sixpence a week - drawn out February.

0:29:040:29:08

That must have been a good Christmas!

0:29:080:29:11

Ah, the birth certificate. All the sordid details.

0:29:140:29:18

-Give us that, that's mine, nothing to do...

-'ello, 'ello. What is he trying to hide?

0:29:180:29:24

"26th of September...

0:29:240:29:27

"1899?"

0:29:270:29:29

So that's it. That's what the mood's about.

0:29:290:29:33

You're older than you said you was. You told me you were 72 and you lied about your age to get in the army.

0:29:330:29:39

-Yeah! Give us it 'ere.

-Wait. "Where born - 23, Old Drum Lane." Yeah.

0:29:390:29:44

"Name - Albert Ladysmith Steptoe." Yeah, that's right.

0:29:440:29:48

"Boy..." Never!

0:29:480:29:50

You, a boy?! I can't even imagine you as a baby. Bet you've looked like that since birth!

0:29:500:29:57

"Mother's name - Victoria Alexandra Steptoe." What a nice name...

0:29:570:30:02

-Give it 'ere...

-"Occupation - domestic servant."

0:30:020:30:05

-'Ere...

-"Father..."

0:30:050:30:08

I don't believe it!

0:30:080:30:10

"..Unknown!"

0:30:110:30:12

Unknown... hee hee hee...

0:30:210:30:25

Well, now you know.

0:30:250:30:27

Yeah, but YOU don't!

0:30:270:30:30

My father is a....ooh...

0:30:330:30:36

..I'll owe it one!

0:30:370:30:40

My father IS a...

0:30:480:30:50

Why didn't you tell me before?

0:30:540:30:56

-Why...

-Couldn't you trust me? I'm your son.

0:30:560:31:00

Did you think I'd run away from home? Why didn't you tell me?

0:31:000:31:04

Why should I tell you? Why should I tell anyone? Wasn't my fault, nobody asked me!

0:31:040:31:10

Yeah, but the lies and the pretence!

0:31:100:31:13

You told me your father started this firm - Steptoe and Son.

0:31:130:31:18

It WAS Steptoe and Son.

0:31:180:31:20

You never said it was MRS Steptoe and Son!

0:31:200:31:23

I feel strangely let down.

0:31:230:31:25

And another thing...

0:31:260:31:28

That's my granny, your mother.

0:31:280:31:30

Who's that? Who have I been calling Grandad all these years?

0:31:300:31:35

Come on! Who is it?!

0:31:370:31:39

-Well, if you must know...

-YES!

0:31:390:31:42

..i..it's Gladstone.

0:31:420:31:45

That's just typical, isn't it?! Gladstone!

0:31:490:31:52

I had to put up someone.

0:31:520:31:54

It shows what a bighead you are!

0:31:540:31:57

You couldn't put up any old dogsbody. Oh no, it has to be a prime minister!

0:31:570:32:02

Like me putting up Winston Churchill.

0:32:020:32:04

-Well, you didn't have to, did you?

0:32:040:32:07

You've got a father.

0:32:070:32:09

I'd rather haveWinstonChurchill.

0:32:090:32:11

I've had blood,sweatandtears foryears.

0:32:110:32:15

Whydidn'tyoutellmebefore?

0:32:150:32:18

Not the kind of thing you'd shout about - not in them days.

0:32:180:32:22

It was a disgrace to be born out of wedlock. Not like today!

0:32:220:32:27

All these actresses having dixie lids all over and boasting about it!

0:32:270:32:32

To be born a child of love in 1899 was a stigma.

0:32:320:32:36

How funny...

0:32:360:32:38

I never thought of you as a child of love.

0:32:380:32:42

You...you...

0:32:450:32:47

you... haven't got the face for it.

0:32:470:32:51

Surely your mother must've known who your father was?

0:32:510:32:55

I don't know, she never let on.

0:32:550:32:58

She used to say "Daddy's gone to meet the angels."

0:32:580:33:03

Wonder who he was...

0:33:040:33:06

..your father.

0:33:060:33:08

Where did she work?

0:33:080:33:11

Belgrave Square. Lord and Lady...somebody or other.

0:33:110:33:15

I bet it was 'im!

0:33:150:33:17

You could be the son of a Lord!

0:33:170:33:19

No, it's possible.

0:33:190:33:21

The aristocracy were always doing that - putting domestics up the duff!

0:33:210:33:26

No, it was. It was part of the perks in them days.

0:33:260:33:30

That's why she got her money, to keep her quiet.

0:33:300:33:33

Let's have a look at you. Yeah, yes - it's possible.

0:33:330:33:38

Aristocratic conk. 'Ere, that's a good chin -

0:33:380:33:42

when you've got yer teeth in.

0:33:420:33:44

Ah, there's breeding in there.

0:33:440:33:46

It's possible.

0:33:460:33:48

I could be the grandson of a lord.

0:33:490:33:52

Hey, we could be related to Royalty...or something.

0:33:520:33:57

Hey, it's possible.

0:33:570:33:59

Nah, I don't think so, Harold.

0:33:590:34:02

It sounds nice, but I don't think so.

0:34:020:34:06

How do you know?

0:34:060:34:07

Well, I don't.

0:34:070:34:09

But, I remember when I was 10 year old...

0:34:090:34:12

...Mum didn't half cry when the muffin man died.

0:34:120:34:16

Muffin man?!

0:34:200:34:22

They'd go round with their trays, and when it rained they'd go into somebody's kitchen for a cup of tea.

0:34:220:34:30

To stop their muffins getting wet?!

0:34:300:34:33

That's right. I think it was the muffin man.

0:34:330:34:36

Yeah, I s'pose you're right.

0:34:380:34:40

Now I think of it, your head is a bit flat on the top.

0:34:400:34:45

Occupational genetics.

0:34:450:34:47

Oh well, there's another bubble pricked.

0:34:470:34:51

I don't think it'll stop you getting a passport.

0:34:510:34:55

No, no. They let anybody go abroad these days.

0:34:550:34:58

I'm looking forward to it. Now it's come out, it's a weight off me mind.

0:34:580:35:04

We might get to know each other a bit better, if we've no secrets.

0:35:040:35:09

We're going to have a good time, aren't we, Harold?

0:35:090:35:14

Yeah, yeah...of course we are.

0:35:140:35:17

Tell you what, you sit there.

0:35:170:35:19

I'll take your photo for the passport.

0:35:190:35:23

Right, sit there, just head and shoulders, it won't hurt.

0:35:260:35:31

Right, 'ere we go.

0:35:310:35:32

Oh yes, yes.

0:35:320:35:34

Just hold there, that's perfect.

0:35:340:35:37

Move a bit further in... take the cigar out...eeeh!

0:35:370:35:43

I'm so sorry.

0:35:440:35:46

And again. Now SIT still.

0:35:480:35:50

Do you want me teeth in or out?

0:35:500:35:52

Leave 'em in, or you'll frighten the man to death when he opens it.

0:35:520:35:57

Oh, gawd, look...

0:35:570:36:00

This is a passport picture, not a fan photo!

0:36:000:36:04

Just give us your normal blank expression.

0:36:040:36:07

Right, hold it... SHUTTER CLICKS

0:36:070:36:11

Lovely.

0:36:110:36:13

Right, hmm...

0:36:130:36:15

# My old man's a dum-dum

0:36:150:36:17

# Fought in the Battle of Mons

0:36:170:36:20

# He killed 10,000 Germans with only 15 bombs

0:36:200:36:24

# Some lay here, some lay there, some lay round the corner

0:36:240:36:29

# And one poor soul with a bullet up his... #

0:36:290:36:31

It's all right, relax.

0:36:310:36:34

Relax! Now it's all over.

0:36:340:36:37

Here you are.

0:36:380:36:39

Look at that.

0:36:390:36:42

That's what happens when a muffin man has a bit of crumpet!

0:36:420:36:47

I think I'll take one of the skeleton,

0:36:490:36:52

they'll never know the difference.

0:36:520:36:55

Come on, Harold! Look at the time. We should have left earlier.

0:37:120:37:16

It'll be OK. Don't worry.

0:37:160:37:18

-You've time. British national?

-British?!

0:37:180:37:22

Listen, mate - The last time I was on this station I had a rifle, on me way to Mons.

0:37:220:37:28

-Fifteen I was, I lied about me age...

-Oh gawd, Dad....

0:37:280:37:33

I see, sir. Passport, please.

0:37:330:37:36

It's brand new. It says without let or hindrance and that includes you!

0:37:360:37:41

Have a good Christmas, sir.

0:37:410:37:43

I will! I'm going to Switzerland, mate.

0:37:430:37:47

Blue skies, snow, sun. Better than this poxy weather you'll be getting!

0:37:470:37:52

I hope you enjoy yourself.

0:37:530:37:55

I will, don't you worry.

0:37:550:37:57

-British national?

-Yeah.

-Passport,please.

-Come ON, Harold!

0:37:570:38:02

This passport, sir. It's a year out of date.

0:38:120:38:16

No, it can't be.

0:38:180:38:21

Date of expiry - October the 23rd 1973.

0:38:210:38:26

Show us.

0:38:260:38:27

NO!

0:38:290:38:31

-Come on, Harold!!

-My passport's out of date!

0:38:310:38:34

You dozy great pillock! Bung 'im a quid.

0:38:340:38:39

It's through worrying about you!

0:38:410:38:43

Don't blame me, it's not my fault!

0:38:430:38:45

Go on, sir. You'll miss the train.

0:38:450:38:47

Oh yeah... See you after Christmas, Harold.

0:38:470:38:51

Aah..I shouldn't go if I were you, sir.

0:38:510:38:54

-You can't go without me!

-Sir.

0:38:540:38:57

There's no food in the house. No point in wasting two tickets.

0:38:570:39:02

It's only four days.

0:39:020:39:04

You selfish little...

0:39:040:39:05

..your birth certificate was right!

0:39:060:39:09

I must be off. See you when I get back.

0:39:090:39:12

You'll be OK. They'll feed you down at the pub. Put it on the slate.

0:39:120:39:18

Merry Christmas, sir.

0:39:220:39:25

It worked! It worked!

0:40:360:40:38

He's gone!

0:40:380:40:40

We're on our own at last.

0:40:410:40:43

Bognor, here we come!

0:40:490:40:51

Subtitles by Fiona Crockatt - BBC 1995 -

0:41:340:41:38

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