Divided We Stand Steptoe and Son

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-We 'aven't decided on one bleedin' room, not even the bog!

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I'm entitled to me opinion!

No, you ain't! You got no taste!

Everything 'as to harmonise. You can't just bung anything up.

-I like the way it is.

-I don't. When was this place last decorated?

-After the War.

-Exactly!

1918 !

-It's 'ad NOTHING on it since!

-That wallpaper's as good as the day your mother put it up!

-It's filthy!

It's depressing. A house like this should be light and gay.

I like chocolate paint. Dark green and chocolate don't show the dirt.

Paint yourself in it, then!

Try to use your imagination. Try to visualise it.

All right? Here we go...

Wedgwood blue on the ceiling, Etruscan red for the woodwork.

This wallpaper for the walls...

and this carpet 'ere on the floor. How's that?

Bleedin' awful ! It'll look like a Peruvian brothel !

I give up! There's no point in me goin' on!

Look 'ere! There "Homes and Gardens". That's the self-same colour scheme.

They've got the same wallpaper and carpet. It's delightful.

-That's Blenheim Palace!

-Well ? It don't make no difference. It'll look just the same in 'ere.

You've got to be bold, Dad. Don't be afraid to experiment.

How much is that paper there?

-£9 a roll.

-NINE POUNDS !? Your mother did the whole place for that.

-Things have gone up a bit since (!)

-Well, THAT'S not going up! Waste of money!

We've got 500 gallons of Army camouflage paint out there. Why don't we bung that up?

If we're going to get dive-bombed any minute, I see your point (!)

Come on, hurry up, choose something!

-How many books 'ave you got?

-Seven.

There you are! Bung all the bits up. Should be lairy enough for you.

I'll sew all the carpet bits together.

You would, wouldn't ya!?

Certainly. I don't mind it looking rotten when it costs nothing.

It won't look rotten! Here...

Here, I like that hairy paper.

-That is not hairy paper, that is flock!

-Nice, isn't it?

-It's quite elegant, albeit a trifle ostentatious. Where would you put it?

-In the khazi.

Flock in the khazi!? We're 'aving something washable out there!

-I

-don't write on the wall!

-You do!

You sit there doing your crossword!

It's covered in anagrams and worse.

Some of the graffiti is disgusting. It's positively Pompeiian!

I can't reach that high! That's the customers!

That should be for staff only.

We're not 'aving flock in the bog!

We're not 'aving Wedgwood blue!

-I see. That is your final word, is it?

-Yeah!

Hmm.

-Hmm! We seem to have reached our usual impasse, don't we?

-If you like.

You don't give a toss what colour we 'ave!

-You just want to go against me! Whatever I want, you DON'T !

-I'm entitled to me opinion.

But it's EVERYTHING ! Every idea I 'ave for improvements!

Improvements to the 'ouse or the business, you're agin it!

You frustrate me in everything I try to do!

You're a fascist, reactionary,

squalid little "know your place" "don't rise above yourself"

complacent little turd!

-Who do you...

-I haven't finished!

Morally, spiritually and physically you are a festering, fly-blown heap of accumulated filth!

What do you want for yer tea?

I don't want any tea!

-You enjoy living in squalor, don't you?

-No, I don't!

-You do!

-Look at this room! When was it last cleaned?

-Yesterday.

-Liar!

-What's that?

-It's only dust.

That's not dust, that's bleeding topsoil !

We need a plough, not a vacuum cleaner!

And this...

-What is THAT...?

-Coffee dregs.

Coffee dregs!? It's got more hairs on it than the flock wallpaper! That's pure penicillin!

And look at this lot! This hasn't been cleaned out since Mafeking!

"Mr Chamberlain returns from Munich."

"I'm giving up my throne for the woman I love."

"Wellington Koo meets President Roosevelt."

Ooh! "Princess Margaret joins the Brownies."

I remember this. "Mussolini invades Albania. King Zog flees."

We've got king-SIZE fleas!

This is a pig-sty! Filth! Filth! Filth! And it smells, too.

-I can't smell anything.

-No wonder! You smell worse than the house!

I open the door and there it is! You smell worse than a pair of zoo-keeper's boots!

I'm not putting up with it! This stuff has got to be cleared!

This stuff's been here for years!

Ration books!

Gas masks!

A packet of dried egg!

And what goodies have we got in 'ere, Ali Baba?

-What are these!

-Gor blimey, I wondered where they went! They're me old teeth.

I lost them in 1941.

They flew out when that land-mine landed down the road.

That's a bit of luck. They're the best teeth I ever had.

Me-me gums have shrunk!!

That is the...awrgh...! That is the most revolting thing I've ever seen!

I'm finished...!

I-I'm not putting up with this filth any longer.

Unless something is done about it, I shall be forced to make alternative arrangements.

Do what you like!

-Our paths have grown too diverse for any possible reconciliation.

-As you like.

Your very presence tends to impinge upon my aesthetic moments and my little bits of relaxation.

In other words, I get on yer tits!

Crude but apposite.

Therefore, there is only one course of action open... one of us will have to go.

-All right...?

-Right.

-Right!

-Right.

-No hard feelings?

-No, I'll be glad to be rid of you.

-Right... What!? I'M not going!

-I'm not!

-I can't afford to go!

Then you'll just have to stay here.

-I want to live on my own! I want some privacy and I'll HAVE it!

-How (?)

-If you won't go, there's only one thing we can do.

-What...?

-Apartheid separate development.

< DOOR CLOSES

"Apartheid"...? What the bleeding 'ell's apartheid?

-Bloody silly idea!

-If you don't like it, you know what to do.

-You're just bringing down the value of the property.

-I should have done this years ago.

MIND OUT !

There! Look at that, eh! Perfect, I tell ya, perfect.

There! Partition is complete. The border has been sealed.

It's a wonder you haven't got armed guards and searchlights (!)

What are you doing here? I don't recall inviting you in to my house.

You is "persona non gratia."

Please retire to your own rathole!

Not bringing it up to the ceiling?

Unfortunately, that's not practical, as the only window's on your side.

But I shall have it double-glazed, thus keeping the light in and you OUT.

Two self-contained flats, affording complete privacy... except for no-man's-land.

-Where's that?

-Here...

Voila!

Checkpoint Charlie!

It's the only way I could think of of giving me access to the stairs and you access to the kitchen.

-Apart from business, our paths need never cross again.

-Suits me!

Now, if you would retire to your own quarters... I want to be alone.

-It's locked!

-You put a penny in it.

-A penny to get to the kitchen!!?

I have to pay to get upstairs.

I'll want to go to the kitchen more times than you go to bed!

It'll cost me tuppence a time! Penny to get in, penny to get out!

-Why not get a non-paying one!?

-That's the only one we've got!

I got that when they pulled down the ladies' bog at the dog track.

-It's mine!

-It's a business asset!

We'll put up a blackboard. When we come through, we mark it with chalk.

At the end of the year, we share it out "pro rata".

It's better than that Christmas Club. You 'ave that out by Easter.

-You'll rub mine off!

-I won't!

-Then you'll add some to your score!

What a petty little criminal mind!

You can have the lot! I just want to get rid of ya, that's all !

Go on, go 'ome! It's getting late. Go on.

I want a drink of water.

-That's one for me!

-Yes (!)

Goodnight.

I'm free...!

I'm on me own at last!

Complete privacy for the first time in my life...!

Oh, the peace, the quiet!

< DOOR SLAMS

I'm lonely. Want a game of cards?

No! And don't peer over the wall at me like bleeding Chad!

I'll put frosted glass in there!

Goodnight, Dad.

Frzzzrrpp!

-Good morning.

-Morning.

-A lovely morning!

-Very nice.

-Go! Top left.

-Bottom right.

-Hoi! I'm filling my kettle!

-Wot's your bleeding game!?

You rotten swine!!

-Give me my cruets back!

-They're not yours!

-I bought them!

-I gave you half the money!

-LENT me!

-Well, until I get it back they're as much mine as yours!

You can 'ave the salt.

..That's no good!

-You can't split up a pair!

-You split US up!

-You're not worth anything. You're not Georgian. Give us my pepper back!

-No!

Take that.

Thanks (!) That is ideal (!)

-They're a perfect match (!)

-Give us 75 quid and you can have it back.

I spent all my money on the partition!

Soon as I can afford me own stuff I'm gonna nail that up!

-Can't hear a word you're saying!

-I SAID... Oh, get out of it!

Let's see what's on...

"The British Empire"...

Oh! At last it's got through to them dim-heads at the BBC !

A cultural oasis in a desert.

Yes?

Who is it?

-Next door (!)

-Oh...

-Yeah?

-Would you turn the TV on?

-What programme?

-BBC 2.

-'Ang on.

BBC 2...

Royal Festival Hall. Margot Fontin and...

N...Nu...Nury...

in "Less Sifleeds."

Dirty devils!

I hope they dance close together!

BALLET MUSIC ON TV

'Arold! Her drawers 'ave just dropped off!

You liar!

I can't watch this all night.

ITV... "Blood of the Ripper"! That's more like it.

BLOODCURLING SCREAM ON TV

-I'm trying to watch television!

-That's not BBC 2 !

-I know it's not.

-I wanted to see Margaret Fontana and Rudolf Nuryev!

-Well,

-I

-don't!

We agreed that Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays should be my nights

while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays would be your choice, with each having alternate Sundays.

-That's right.

-Today is Wednesday. I want BBC 2 on.

-I don't!

You're being very unfair. We had an agreement. I've got the law of contract on my side.

I've got the KNOBS on my side.

OWW !! Let go! You're hurting me!

-Will you put BBC 2 on?

-No!

ARGHH ! You're stranngglling me!

Put the ballet back on!

All right, all right! Let go!

I'm not putting it back on!

-I'll get you!!

-'Arold, you know ballet drives me round the twist.

We'll compromise. We'll have BBC 1 tonight and then you can have an extra go tomorrow.

-No!... What's on BBC 1 ?

-Football European Cup.

That's not bad. All right, BBC 1.

SWITCHES OVER TO FOOTBALL

-Was that a goal ?

-No, he saved it.

Oh, Gawd!

Keep down this end! Down 'ere!

THIS end... Come on!

This end...! Man up your back!

-Get off!

-You've got more screen!

-I ain't!

-It's a 21-inch screen. I'm entitled to 10 and a half inches!

-I've only got 9 inches!

-Take the bleeding lot...!

You rotten cow, son!

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow. We are going to bed.

Goodnight from us all at the 3-pin BBC plug. Goodnight.

HUMS NATIONAL ANTHEM

-Look!

-Where...?

Come back! You don't want to go!

-Yes, I do!

-No, you don't!

-I was first. You'll have to wait.

ARGHHH ! You rotten little toerag!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

-Goodnight, Father.

-Cobblers!

-And the same to you.

-Cobblers!

-They make a jolly fine stew (!)

SIRENS BLARING

COUGHING AND WHEEZING

Oh, Gawd, I'm dying! It's all your fault!

Those bloody silly partitions!

Even the bleeding firemen had to put pennies in the turnstile to get at us!

They...they come through the wrong door. They should have come through your door.

Oh, they knew that (!) They're used to houses with turnstiles in the passage (!)

Just because you wanted to get rid of me! Look where it's got us!

Yeah... In the same ward! Together!

You'll have to put up with it!

WHEEZING...

'Arold, give us a drop of your orange juice.

Hurry up!

YARGGHHH ! NURSE !! NURSE !!

He's poured orange juice all over me! NURSE !! NURSE !!

Subtitles by Chas Donaldson BBC Scotland 1988