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This programme contains some strong language

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What I would like to talk about tonight is property, wealth

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and poverty on both a national and a global level.

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I am aware this is supposed to be a comedy show,

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so I'm just going to open with ten minutes of jokes about dogs.

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But as they proceed you'll realise that actually I've been talking

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about poverty all along.

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It's very clever...

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Now, we love dogs, don't we? Oh, yeah, we love dogs.

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Man's best friend.

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Man's best friend, but only if your best friend

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is the sort of person who defecates in a children's play area,

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licks their own genitals in public and bites a toddler's face off.

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A Premiership footballer, basically.

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Or Dappy from N-Dubz.

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I don't know who that is.

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A child told me to say that.

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Now, my uncle used to like to groom dogs, by which I mean

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he would go on the internet and he would visit...

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He would visit websites frequented by dogs

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whilst pretending to be a much younger dog.

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Now, it was never going to work out.

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In the flesh, there's no way that a 57-year-old ice cream man

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could pass himself off as a three-year-old King Charles Spaniel.

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Even with his elaborate and expensive home-made costume.

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Some big laughs for that.

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But there's also, in areas of the room, no laughs, aren't there?

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Quite interesting. People that are laughing, what they've done,

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they've just taken a little time out to imagine what that costume

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would be like, and the process involved in its manufacture.

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They've imagined an elderly ice cream man knitting

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all the felt together, they've pictured that

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and they've got extra free laughs in their own heads.

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Those of you that are sitting at home,

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and I expect there's a lot of you, going, "What are they laughing at?"

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That's because, what you've done, you've just sat there, haven't you?

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I've said, "Even with his expensive and elaborate home-made costume,"

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and you've just gone, "Oh, he's finished saying that sentence."

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"What sentence will he say next, I wonder?"

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It's not like that.

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With my act, a lot of it happens in the spaces, it's suggestion.

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So you can carry on watching if you like

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but you need to raise your game.

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Now, I hate dogs, I'll tell you why.

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Cos I've got kids and every day they step on the pavement,

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they step in the dog excrement, they jump up and down and they shout,

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"Poo poo poo on my shoe shoe shoe."

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They're 28 years old.

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All kids in jokes are 28 years old.

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When will you learn?

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It's not their fault, is it?

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If kids see something brown and sticky, they're either going

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to step in it or eat it, which annoys me because they won't eat

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the delicious, gourmet, middle-class meals that I cook for them.

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"Come on, eat your desiccated squid and marinated fennel

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"or you won't be allowed to watch Akira Kurosawa's Throne of Blood.

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"Or any of his oeuvre."

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Likewise, people at home,

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use of the word "oeuvre" there, as a punch line.

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You may not like it, but I guarantee there's no-one on Mock the Week doing that.

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Yesterday my son stepped in dog excrement

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and trod it all up the stairs.

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It's sort of an endless...problem.

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It doesn't make it any less irritating

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to have written a routine about it.

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So it was the fact of it happening that made it irritating?

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It's not that you've seduced yourself into being irritated by pretending?

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-I can't laugh my way out of it...

-Well, that would be ridiculous.

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To laugh your way out of a mess caused by dog excrement.

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You'd look absurd.

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I mean, it's pathetic in a way.

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10, 15 years ago, I was writing whole shows

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about religious censorship, big ideas.

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And the bulk of this episode is about how irritated

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I am by dog excrement.

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But I am incredibly irritated by it. More so than...

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More so than wars or injustice, really.

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I'm absolutely fed up to the back teeth with it.

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The problem is, right, that dog excrement can blind children.

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Barely a week goes past without us going into A&E with what

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medical professionals call "dog shit eye blindness disorder."

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And the reason there's so much dog excrement outside our house,

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it's on a T-Junction, so the drug dealers gather there

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from about 11 at night until 5 in the morning,

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doing deals with their horrible weapon dogs defecating everywhere.

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And the drug dealers never make any effort to pick the dog excrement up.

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Which annoys me because I know they've got no shortage of small plastic bags.

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Who are these people?

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Don't they believe in David Cameron's dream of a big society?

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I carry that vision within my heart, what about you?

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I don't have a problem with drugs in and of themselves.

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It's just, it's not possible to buy drugs ethically.

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There's no Fairtrade cocaine, is there?

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If you buy drugs, you're connected to a supply network that links you

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to slave labour and violent death.

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And in that respect, drugs are the same as all Apple products.

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And there's a new app you can download that gives you live updates

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on Chinese factory worker suicide rates.

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SPARSE LAUGHTER

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More dog stuff, then.

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Fine, we won't do stuff about politics or exploitation,

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we'll just do stuff about... You decide what to laugh at.

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You decide. You decide what's funny.

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Obviously you all know more about stand-up than I do, don't you?

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I've only been doing it two or three hundred nights a year for 25 years.

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You can come, free, to something and sit there in judgment.

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Oh, I hate dogs, I can't bear them, I tell you.

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I hate dogs more than the exploitation of Chinese workers.

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I can't bear them. I hate dogs.

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I was delighted when I read that the first dog in space

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was incinerated to death on re-entry.

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And I'll tell you why. Because if...

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I hate dogs. If aliens had intercepted that dog,

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they would have assumed that the planet Earth was ruled

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by a race of creatures which liked to rub themselves

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against children's legs in a state of sexual arousal,

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sniff each other's bottoms as a form of greeting

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and yet had somehow managed to develop the technology for space travel.

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I hate dogs. In 2012...

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I do, I can't bear them. I hate dogs.

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In 2012, there were over 6,400 hospital admissions for dog bites,

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over 1,000 of them were under-tens,

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470 required plastic surgery.

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There were a number of fatalities and there were over

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four-and-a-half million tonnes of dog excrement on my doorstep alone.

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But who is responsible for this holocaust of dog excrement?

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Dog owners, that's who. But who are the dog owners?

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Who are those people so pitiful, so weak, so lacking in self-esteem,

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self-confidence and self-belief that they need the loyalty and affection

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of something as pathetic as a dog, to give their lives meaning?

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Dog owners, if you died, your precious dog would eat you.

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To your dog, you are just meat that can talk.

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But you love dogs, don't you, dog owners? Yeah, you love dogs.

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Shitting everywhere and howling and biting children.

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But you hate foxes, don't you?

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Shitting everywhere and howling and biting children.

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Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, is supporting a cull of foxes

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which have bitten almost three Londoners in the entire history of the city.

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Is it only me, or do you ever stop amazed

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when you remember that Boris Johnson is an actual mayor?

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Boris Johnson is an actual Mayor of London.

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A capital city of an industrialised nation in the developed world.

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He is an actual mayor.

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But he's not a kind of comedy, clown, mascot mayor.

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Who goes around being buffoonishly amusing, while the real mayor

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work is done by Ken Livingstone locked in a shipping container.

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He's the actual mayor, Boris Johnson, of actual,

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real London in Great Britain.

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This isn't Italy.

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Where the mayor is just whichever man has touched

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the most women in the town.

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I do apologise. Of course, this is going out on national television.

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I'm talking about the Mayor of London.

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There's going to be people in the north of England tweeting in

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and e-mailing in right now going, "I don't even know what that is, the Mayor of London.

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"How dare you do a joke about the Mayor of London on national...

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"I've got no idea what that is. How London-centric, it's just so..."

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What I say to those people in the north of England,

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I don't sit at home watching Coronation Street and going,

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"I can't possibly understand what this is."

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I just use my intelligence and imagination

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to vault the vast cultural chasm that separates us.

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Oh, yeah, it's just like normal life anywhere else, except worse.

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Use your imagination. Buy in.

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I've never met anyone like Jason Manford, but I'm sure they exist.

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It must exist.

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It would be harder to hoax Jason Manford

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than to just have a real one, wouldn't it?

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Like there are people going "The moon landings are hoaxed,"

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it would be harder to hoax the moon landings than to land on the moon.

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And that's the way I feel about the stupid "Jason Manford is a hoax" rumour that's going around.

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It's ridiculous. I mean, you go round comedy clubs,

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there's bills going back to the '90s with his name on them.

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You'd have to go and insert it all into that,

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drop loads of clips into those I Remember 1987 programmes.

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He's obviously real, it's ridiculous. So...

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Boris Johnson wants to see a cull of the foxes, though.

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Now, people can die from bee stings, so let's kill all the bees.

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Oh, we already are.

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Never mind, I never liked honey anyway.

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Or cereal crops.

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Or the eco-system.

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Or the ongoing survival of all life on Earth.

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Do you like that joke?

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It contains within it a prophecy of all your deaths.

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What about the consistent element you've had, I think,

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in all three series, that you talk to a camera,

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directly and it's much lower down than you are?

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Well, I think that what the director's helped me to do there,

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by me literally talking down to the camera, is he's visually represented

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the air of condescension that comes off everything that I say.

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Because there are a lot of condescending people on television...

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-Yeah.

-And no-one really seems to have availed themselves of this tool.

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Even total bastards like Huw Edwards.

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Yeah, I mean, really no-one has yet, in news or current affairs,

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has stolen the condescending low angle camera.

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I think when we start to see it bleed out into those areas,

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then we'll know that on some level it's all been worth it,

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we've had an influence on mass culture and you can't really ask for more than that.

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Now Boris Johnson also said he'd make sure the property boom

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didn't ethnically cleanse lower income workers out of London.

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But he didn't and it has done.

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Remember when he got you all to sweep up, after the riots, remember?

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"Sweep up after the riots, everyone.

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"Yeah, thanks for sweeping up after the riots.

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"Thanks for volunteering for the Olympics. Yeah.

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"Thanks, everyone, thanks.

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"Now fuck off."

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He wants to be careful, Boris Johnson,

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pricing all the low income workers out of London.

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Pretty soon, there'll be no-one to pour his champagne.

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Or mine, for that matter.

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Yes, I do read the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail.

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I am aware that I'm routinely referred to as a champagne socialist.

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I am not a champagne socialist.

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In the 1990s, I was an amphetamine communist.

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Which was good, it gave me a radical perspective on world events.

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Did help to keep the weight off as well.

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I have piled on the pounds

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since I've drifted towards the centre ground.

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But I came to London in 1988, '89,

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to seek my fortune like a little Dick Whittington.

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I don't know if people will be able to afford to do that today,

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the property's got so expensive.

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But in 1988, '89, I earned £90 a week, temping.

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My rent was 50 and yet I lived like a king.

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Admittedly a king who bought all his food from an Acton corner shop

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called Rimpey's, Fags, Foods and Non-Foods.

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Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods.

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That is a fantastically literal brief for a retail outlet.

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Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods. It sold fags, they were fags.

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It sold foods, they were foods.

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And it sold non-foods, which was everything in existence

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that wasn't a fag or a food.

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The fags were behind the counter. The foods were in the front aisle.

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The rest of the shop was one massively long,

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infinite corridor with a series of reflecting mirrors set up

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either end, like in Barbarella or something like that.

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And it had all the non-foods there.

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Every single non-food. Depleted uranium, they had.

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Chlorophyll, asteroids, angels, everything.

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And abstract concepts like hope and regret, despair,

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enthusiasm, they had.

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All the non-foods, they sold absolutely everything.

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The only thing you couldn't get at Rimpey's and it's in common

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with most major High Street retailers is any of my live DVDs.

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Wouldn't stock any of them.

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Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods. It's a brilliant, brilliant place.

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That was back then.

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Back then you could afford to come to London and seek your fortune.

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Today, the only way a little Dick Whittington could come to London

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today is if Mr and Mrs Whittington had enough money to buy him a flat,

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where he could live rent free, while he did six years unpaid internship

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for a massive, tax avoiding, international media conglomerate.

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It's over, isn't it? London's all oligarchs now. It is.

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The Guardian reader audience that I've actively courted

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has been priced out.

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That's why you can see some of the gags

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aren't landing as well as they should.

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It's just oligarchs now, London, isn't it?

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The West London that I was in 25 years ago,

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that's all oligarchs.

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Russian, Greek and Arab Spring money, it's all oligarchs.

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Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods is still there,

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but today it serves the needs of oligarchs,

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and it's called Rimpey's Fags, Directories of Prostitutes

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and Non-Directories of Prostitutes.

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It's oligarchs everywhere in London now.

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It's like living in an oligarchy.

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I'm not an economist, but from where I'm standing

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the supposed economic recovery of the country as a whole,

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I reckon you could pin a lot of it down

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to oligarch investment in properties in West London.

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It seems like that. But I've noticed that David Cameron's trying

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to spread the wealth around. He's proposed a high speed rail link

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to Birmingham, which is a bad idea.

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Because no-one wants to get to Birmingham any quicker than is necessary.

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Canal barge in, ejector seat out.

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I grew up in the Midlands and I love Birmingham.

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I hate people doing cheap jokes about it.

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It's actually a brilliant place, Birmingham.

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A Brummie will tell you Birmingham has more miles of canal than Venice.

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To which a Venetian will counter,

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"Yes, but it's quality, not quantity."

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Venetian canal,

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a beautiful young man's punting you along in a gondola, isn't he?

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Past all these cathedrals and you're eating a Cornetto

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and he's singing a Verdi opera.

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That's Venice canal.

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Birmingham canal.

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Little old man in a green woolly hat is floating along in a bin.

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Along Gas Street Basin. He's not eating a Cornetto.

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He's licking lukewarm Bovril out of a baking tray.

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And he's singing, he's not singing opera though, is he? He's singing...

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# I had a little donkey

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# I kept him in the yard

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# One day in the wintertime when it was snowing hard

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# Mother said the donkey must be cold out in the storm

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# Bring him in the kitchen and let him have a warm

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# Well

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# He come in here

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# Kicks a chandelier

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# Smashed up all the crockery and bit me mother's ear

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# Rusty Lee and Steel Pulse

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# Napalm Death and Dexys. #

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That's Birmingham.

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-APPLAUSE

-And that's entertainment.

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Listen to the applause, cynics.

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Variety's not dead.

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They don't want panel shows.

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They want forgotten Music Hall songs of the early 1900s.

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I hope the oligarchs don't get to Birmingham.

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They might spread up there along the high speed rail link.

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Birmingham's got a fantastic indigenous culture

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and oligarchs would not support it.

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Oligarchs are not interested in what Birmingham has to offer.

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Oligarchs don't want to see the Edward Burne-Jones

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stained glass windows, they don't want to eat in the Balti Quarter,

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they don't want to go on the Black Sabbath walking trail.

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Which exists, it's very good.

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Oligarchs don't like that stuff.

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Oligarchs like Premier League football,

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horrible, garish, disgusting, massive shopping centres

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and lap dancing clubs.

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Come to think of it, they're going to love Birmingham.

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It's like an oligarch trap.

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But it's all oligarchs now, London.

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For a long time, London's been where artists came to build an audience,

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develop their work. Is that going to happen when London's all oligarchs?

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Would my act appeal to oligarchs? Probably not.

0:19:500:19:55

What a good capitalist would say is you have to tailor your product

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to the demands of the market,

0:19:590:20:01

so it's attractive to the new consumer base.

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I ought to be developing an act that would appeal to oligarchs.

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In fact, I have been doing that.

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I think it would go a little bit like this.

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Good evening, oligarchs and prostitutes, welcome.

0:20:130:20:16

Welcome to London. It's yours now.

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Drive it like you stole it.

0:20:190:20:22

It's awful being an oligarch, innit? You know what it's like when you're an oligarch,

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and you're in Hyde Park, the Princess Diana Memorial Playground,

0:20:260:20:29

and you've all your prostitutes with you, all your prostitutes are there,

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you're in the playground and there's so many little kids running around

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in the sandpit, aren't there, you can't find anywhere

0:20:360:20:39

to bury the severed head of a murdered business rival. Unbelievable!

0:20:390:20:43

And all your prostitutes, "Argh, there's blood in the bag,"

0:20:430:20:46

you're going "Calm down, girls!"

0:20:460:20:47

You know what it's like, it's awful, when you're an oligarch,

0:20:470:20:51

you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you're all oligarchs.

0:20:510:20:54

You know what it's like when you're an oligarch, you know what it's like,

0:20:540:20:57

you invite George Osborne round to stay at your villa,

0:20:570:21:00

with all the prostitutes there, all of your prostitutes,

0:21:000:21:03

George Osborne goes, "Can I have a drawer to put all of my pencils in?"

0:21:030:21:07

You go, "Yeah, put them in that one," and he can't,

0:21:070:21:10

he opens it and the drawer's all full

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of the severed hands and feet of murdered business rivals.

0:21:130:21:16

All the feet are coming out, all the prostitutes are going,

0:21:160:21:19

"Argh! God, there's severed feet," and George Osborne's going

0:21:190:21:23

"I can't put my pencil in there. Argh!"

0:21:230:21:27

You know, it's awful when you're an oligarch,

0:21:270:21:29

we're all oligarchs, aren't we? You know what it's like

0:21:290:21:32

when you're an oligarch and you invite Boris Johnson round,

0:21:320:21:35

you invite him round to your Mayfair penthouse,

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with all your prostitutes, they're all there,

0:21:370:21:40

and you offer him a bath full of champagne,

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and he goes in to have the bath full of champagne,

0:21:430:21:45

but you've forgotten, he can't use the bath,

0:21:450:21:47

cos it's full up to the brim

0:21:470:21:48

with the eviscerated internal organs of murdered business rivals.

0:21:480:21:52

He's going, "Oh, there's a spleen coming out!" And all the prostitutes

0:21:520:21:56

are going "Argh, there's an appendix in the bath! Argh!"

0:21:560:22:01

"Calm down!" Oh, God.

0:22:010:22:04

We hate the poor, don't we? I can't stand the poor. Hate the poor.

0:22:040:22:08

Shitting everywhere and howling...

0:22:080:22:11

Lowering the Ofsted results.

0:22:130:22:15

Taking up valuable Central London living space that could

0:22:170:22:20

otherwise have all of its Victorian fixtures and fittings

0:22:200:22:23

and William Morris wallpaper torn out,

0:22:230:22:26

so it looked like the departure lounge of a Saudi Arabian airport.

0:22:260:22:30

Hate the poor.

0:22:300:22:32

My uncle used to like to groom the poor,

0:22:320:22:34

by which I mean he would go on the internet and he would set up

0:22:340:22:39

payday loans websites, while trying to pretend to be Kerry Katona.

0:22:390:22:46

Obviously it was never going to work.

0:22:470:22:49

In the flesh, there's no way that a 57-year-old oligarch

0:22:490:22:53

could pass himself off as a former Atomic Kitten front-woman.

0:22:530:22:59

Even with his elaborate and expensive home-made costume.

0:22:590:23:03

SOME APPLAUSE

0:23:030:23:04

Don't clap. What you clapping?

0:23:040:23:07

Clapping your own ability to remember things?

0:23:070:23:09

You clapping yourself at home, are you? You clapping having a brain?

0:23:110:23:15

I can't bear the poor, I tell you why.

0:23:200:23:22

I hate them. Every week, me and the kids, we step out

0:23:220:23:25

onto the pavement where the poor live,

0:23:250:23:29

and they end up covered in residual guilt.

0:23:290:23:32

I can't do the oligarch act, my heart's not in it,

0:23:340:23:37

although ironically, I did notice it went a lot better than the rest of the...

0:23:370:23:41

I'll leave you with a final thought.

0:23:420:23:44

In the City of London, there is a £200 million skyscraper,

0:23:440:23:48

made entirely of glass, and last summer it reflected the sun

0:23:480:23:53

so strongly that it melted a £50,000 Jaguar car

0:23:530:23:58

that was parked in Fenchurch Street.

0:23:580:24:00

Now, as a piece of architecture, that is abysmal.

0:24:000:24:04

But as an extremely heavy-handed satire

0:24:040:24:06

of exactly where we're going wrong, superb.

0:24:060:24:11

Yeah, clap that.

0:24:110:24:12

You say "as a building, as a piece of architecture, it's abysmal.

0:24:130:24:17

"But as a satire of where we're going, it's faultless.

0:24:170:24:20

Now, I just don't know what the hell that means?

0:24:200:24:24

No. You know what, it sounds clever though, doesn't it?

0:24:240:24:27

And it sounds clever and I think people have

0:24:270:24:30

laughed at it in an attempt to pass themselves off as clever.

0:24:300:24:34

Have you tried to work out what you mean?

0:24:340:24:36

No. I mean, sometimes you write these things down and they seem to work.

0:24:360:24:40

They're best left...best left not analysed, you know?

0:24:400:24:43

It's quite an achievement, though.

0:24:430:24:45

If you look at it closely, hardly a single word makes sense.

0:24:450:24:48

Yeah, but it's the last line of the show, so you've just got

0:24:480:24:51

to whack it out there and run away from it like an unexploded bomb.

0:24:510:24:55

'I sort of wrote all this stuff about dog excrement

0:24:550:24:58

'as a kind of cliche of...

0:24:580:25:01

'doing a ranty routine about something trivial.

0:25:010:25:06

'But it is irritating...

0:25:060:25:07

'You know, if this series achieves one thing,

0:25:070:25:10

'I would like it to be that people really get behind the idea

0:25:100:25:13

'of a mass execution of all dogs.'

0:25:130:25:16

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