Wealth Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle

This programme contains very strong language

Hmm.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, I'm going to do 28 minutes now

on wealth and social responsibility.

That's quite a heavy subject to go straight into,

so, I'm going to do a quick light-hearted 45-second anecdote

first of all, to soften up the ground and hopefully you won't see

the gears change too obviously, as we move into the main routine.

So, I was on tour and I was in... AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I was... I was in Sheffield and I was walking along the main street

in Sheffield, Fargate,

and I saw two guys holding up big cardboard placards

and one of them said,

"Would you like to download thousands of films now from Sky?"

And the other one said,

"Would you like to learn the truth about Islam?"

And I thought, "Oh, decisions, decisions."

But we were all asked to make a decision in the last election,

weren't we? AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Any...

That's how you do segues between material.

Any young comics watching at home...

So, we were asked to make a choice, weren't we?

Between voting out of self-interest, broadly speaking,

and out of the interests of others.

We know what happened on a national level

and now I sort of worry that I see evidence

of people's selfishness everywhere.

I was walking along the canal in Camden

and walked past that Dingwalls there

and there was a load of drunk lads on the canal towpath,

laughing and cheering as they watched five seagulls

peck a fluffy baby duckling to death.

And then I realised why Mock The Week is so popular.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS LIGHTLY

Wow, where did they get this crowd from?

Normally...

Normally, my audience would go,

"Ha, ha, imagine liking Mock The Week, eurgh."

But BBC Ticket Unit,

the sort of people who go, "Oh, I like comedy, I'll go and see that."

Going to be a tough, it's going to be a tough night, isn't it?

We've got to be careful having a go at the panel shows now though,

I don't want Lee Mack writing in his next book

that I'm an intellectual snob again.

Like I inferred he did in the last one, unless, of course...

..unless, of course, I choose to appear

as an intellectual snob on purpose,

in order to create a secondary character-driven narrative

that runs both in tandem with and in dramatic opposition

to the surface level stand-up.

Um... I want you to laugh in spite of me, not because of me.

It's an example of the theatrical practice known as

Brechtian alienation.

It is, it's an incredibly high-risk performance strategy

that very few people seem to appreciate.

No-one is equipped to review me.

Least of all The Daily Telegraph,

which is...I got a no-star review in The Daily Telegraph, I did.

The bloke said... Normally they give you one for turning up.

The bloke said that I have contempt for the public

and if I understood anything about the sacrifices people make

to come and see things, I would spare them my toxic scorn.

And I do understand all that and I just did it for a laugh, really.

Which is within the remit of this job, isn't it?

If you think about it for a second.

So...

But it's awkward getting bad reviews in The Daily Telegraph,

cos that is the paper that all the middle-class dads

at my kids' school read.

They read these awful things about how terrible I am

and then they're embarrassed to meet my eye in the school playground,

as if they've imagined me doing some incredibly intimate thing

with their middle-class wives that they would never do with them,

like talk to them in the evenings.

And, yes, you did hear me say middle-class dads there.

I now move in exclusively middle-class dad circles,

because the money that you have given me by coming to see me

in incrementally larger amounts over the last 26 years

has finally moved me into a social milieu

where I do not belong and I'm not welcome.

So, thanks for that! Thanks.

Now, one of the things that comes across in this series

is that you are obsessed with money.

As usual, in a sort of slightly perverse, inverted kind of way.

What are you really saying?

Are you saying that having money is worse than not having money?

Yeah, I think the difficult position I've been put in

is to be allowed to be about as successful as it's possible to be

as a sort of obscure figure, but, really,

what I do is not of enough quality or interest

to tip over into having a subterranean garage

full of Aston Martins, you know, it's sort of a weird...

But that's where you feel you're sort of bound to go?

Yeah, but it's something I'm clearly not capable of doing.

I mean, each series is like a suicide note

or someone that's carried out a crime

and is leaving written in blood on the wall,

"Stop me before I do this again."

And yet they seem to keep coming back

and driving me further and further towards this sort of position

of utter dislocation.

OK, I'm a reader, right?

But I used to wait till books were second-hand or discounted,

but I don't have to now.

For example, when a new Lee Mack book is published...

..I buy it on the day it comes out

from Tesco's for 16.99.

I don't even wait until the next day when it will be 50p at The Works...

..or even less

as part of a three-stickered-items for a pound offer,

along with some wool

and a 2008 Graham Norton calendar.

You see that bloke with glasses up there,

he's not laughing at all, on the table,

do you see him with his beard?

He's sort of going, "Oh."

He's going, "Oh, he's having a go at Graham Norton now."

Right, I'm not. OK, I'm not having a go at Graham Norton, OK?

I'm just saying that an out-of-date Graham Norton calendar

is like something that would be in The Works, is it?

Yes, it is, it's not having a go at...

I actually...I like Graham Norton, OK? I have...

I have... I'm going to come off book to put you at ease, all right?

I have a thing with Graham Norton where I...

You probably have this with a band or a football team or something,

whenever he does well, I feel like it's my success, do you get that?

So, if it goes, "Graham Norton has £1,000,000 publishing deal,"

I go, "Yeah!"

And the reason for this, right, is because in 1992,

I was in the same venue as Graham Norton for a month,

in The Fringe in Edinburgh. It was a 40-seater attic

at the Pleasance Theatre and I was on at 9.45 in the morning

and he was on at 11 or something. And I used to see him in the...

He was...he had a one-man show about the Carpenters,

if you must know, and I used to see him in the...

He did, do you find it amusing that someone who's now famous

once had to struggle?

Well, that's how it works.

Well, I used to see him in the hand over

and he was always very nice, so to this day,

when I see that he's done really well, like, if it goes

"Graham Norton is the highest-paid man on TV," or something,

I go, "Yeah!"

Attic, attic lads!

Do you know what I mean?

I have a similar thing with Napalm Death, do you know them?

Grindcore pioneers - Napalm Death.

Cos I was actually at school with Napalm Death

and I was, I used to go orienteering with Napalm Death.

I did, that's not a new BBC Four programme.

I used to go orienteering with the original line-up of Napalm Death

every other weekend all around the Wrekin in Shropshire,

but, it wasn't square middle-class watching BBC Two orienteering,

like you would do,

it was second wave anarcho-punk orienteering.

We had maps, but all the boundaries were crossed out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You'd think there would be more on that, wouldn't you?

It's a good joke.

It's one of the three best jokes in this half hour, that.

I tell you what, when the other good ones come up,

I'll give you a little...a little signal.

But to this day, I mean, there's not even any of them

in Napalm Death any more from them,

but I'll be on the internet,

you know, and I'll see that Napalm Death are in Brazil or something,

headlining Cunt Fest '15 or whatever and I go,

"Yeah, orienteering."

And I have a similar thing with Graham Norton, I go...

Well...interesting cos earlier this year,

last year it was the BAFTAs, do you know that?

It's the British Academy of Film and Television,

like the TV Oscars, basically.

Anyway, Graham Norton's chat show that he does,

that actually beats this series for the Best TV Comedy BAFTA, so...

No...

OK, I don't mind, I just thought it was a bit sort of strange,

isn't it?

Do you not think? I don't know. Just seems...

Strange, uneasy crowd, aren't you, tonight? Very...

OK, I'm not saying I'm a better comedian

than Graham Norton, OK, if that's what you're thinking.

OK, I didn't go to the BAFTAs and boo, if that's what you're...

I never go... I never go to those awards anyway, because I'm not...

It doesn't even get as far as...

cos I'm not like a telly personality.

I'm a live act, really, so, I'm working late 320-odd nights a year,

so, if they suddenly go, "Can you come to the BAFTAs?"

I can't go anyway, so I don't...you know...

I can't, so, you know, with the last BAFTAs,

I don't even know where I was, when it was on, to be honest.

Salford, I think...

I tell you what, it was Salford Quays, I tell you why I know, right?

No, I'm not interested, genuinely, in the BAFTAs,

but I remember it was Salford Quays, cos I did the gig at The Lowry

and then I went back to the Premier Inn. And I was...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Premier Inn's funnier than a clever joke about orienteering?

No, I'm just saying, it's interesting that you...

No, it's just interesting that you don't laugh at a clever joke

about orienteering, but you have a kind of snobbish reaction

to discount fucking...

It's gone wrong... You know...

Do you remember in the old days,

there weren't loads of horrible snobs, were there, in the audience?

But the sort of people this attracts now,

it's what I read on the internet...

On the internet, the other comics say that all the people that like me

are cunts, right?

And they are, aren't they? You listen to that.

They're the sort of people...

They didn't used to be, but they are now.

They're the sort of people going,

"Oh, imagine staying in the Travelodge

"or the Premier Inn, oh."

But then, yet, they don't know what orienteering is,

so they're sort of snobs, but they're ignorant and stupid as well.

The Premier Inn is fine, to be honest, and I think it's...

I mean, if you're in Salford Quays,

you're basically either in the Premier Inn, which is fine,

or you have to go in the Holiday Inn, which is a bit sort of...

You know, the price difference is not always...

They're still sniggering away.

OK, why do you think...why do you think it cost 20 quid less to see me

than Kevin Bridges and all these sorts of people?

Because I pass the savings on to the consumer, that is why,

and I just get this sort of contempt from the public.

Anyway, I went back to the Premier Inn,

I got in my pants,

I made a cup of tea and I thought,

I'll put the telly on and it was that thing

where you know it's, like, when it comes on two hours later

on plus-two or whatever and the BAFTAs was on.

And I thought, you know, I'm going to watch cos...

I don't care about what happens, but I'm always curious.

So, I watched it and the bloke goes,

"And the winner for Best TV Comedy is Graham Norton."

And I just went, "Oh, is it?" You know.

Then I went to bed, I went straight to sleep.

Cos I don't...I don't care at all, you know.

I'm not, you know, I'm not...I don't mind...

and I wish him well and I'm not saying, you know...

Have you seen his show though?

No, it's good, you know.

He's very good in it, but...

It's a chat show, isn't it? It's a chat show.

You know, people come in and, you know, he goes, "Hello."

And they go, "Hello, Graham."

And he goes, "Oh, you're in a film now, aren't you?" "Yes."

"Is it a good film?" "Yeah, it's brilliant."

Then some more ones come in, don't they? And they all talk.

Then, at the end, one of the audience,

they go in a chair, don't they?

And they sort of fall out of it.

That's better, apparently, than...

No, he's good, he's very good.

He is, he's good, people come in and he goes, "Hello."

And they go, "Hello, Graham."

And he goes, "Ooh, you look brown, have you been on holiday?"

"Yes." "Was it hot?" "Yes, Graham."

"Too hot, by the looks of it." "It was too hot, yes."

"Bet you're glad to be back here, aren't you?" "Yes."

You do that in your house, don't you?

People come round and you go, "Hello, hello.

How are you, are you all right?" "Yes."

"How's Robin, is he all right?"

"Yes, he's got a bad leg." "Has he? Is he in work?"

"No, he's had..."

You know, you're not sitting there going, "Where's my BAFTA," are you?"

You just...

I don't care. I don't mind, I just can't really...make any...

BAFTA, isn't it? It's like...a proper...

You know, a BAFTA is a proper...

it's the British Academy of Film and Television,

it's got a big office down on Piccadilly, you know,

it's not like TV Quick or something like this.

It just surprises me that they don't seem to have

any sort of logical system in place for...

You don't...OK, fine, I don't care,

I don't care what you think, all right?

Have you seen my sh...? Between this show that you're at...

I write this, takes me about two years to write these,

this is all written, what I'm saying now.

And it's not just talking, this show,

it's very carefully structured and there's all this...

I mean, you're watching this now and you're thinking,

"What's this? It's nothing."

It isn't, it all ties together at the end.

You won't realise till... You may never realise.

You know.

But...

..I'll tell you what...

..I don't care about it, I just don't know what kind of message

it sends out to young people,

cos they're the future, aren't they, the kids, you know?

And it's like saying to them, "Oh, don't work really hard

"on something for years, trying to make it really good,

"like a fucking mug."

"Just talk to Gary Barlow about nothing."

Anyway, I don't care. I don't mind.

I was watching the BAFTAs again, actually, the other week, because...

No, I don't sit at home watching it over and over, going,

"Ohh." No, what it is, right, I looked it up on YouTube, the awards,

cos something occurred to me the other...

I haven't thought about it for about a year

and I suddenly thought, "I must check that."

OK, what it is, right, do you think

Graham Norton has seen this show, right?

-What do you think? AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-No.

Well, he has definitely, because he's a member of BAFTA

and they get sent all the things to watch them, right?

So, he's seen this show.

This is the interesting thing if you watch the awards, right,

you can see it on YouTube.

He's sitting there and the bloke goes,

"And the winner of Best TV Comedy is Graham Norton," right?

He's seen my show, remember.

He gets up, right? He goes up to where all the awards are

and he accepts the BAFTA, he's seen my show

and he accepts the BAFTA as if he genuinely thinks he deserves it.

LAUGHTER

I know and you know what, right?

Fair play to him, I mean the fucking front of the bloke.

You know, the balls of him, the balls of him.

He fronts it out.

Like, and of course, in his mind, he must be going,

"Oh, God, what's going on? This is insane."

Then he makes a little speech and he can't have prepared it, you know,

as if...

It's like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, it's absolutely...

It is the most amazing piece of film you'll ever see,

It's more amazing...

And then he walks back down through all the TV people,

who're all clapping away, about 300 of them.

You know, no-one tries to stop him. They don't know...

No, they don't.

You know, if you see a crime being committed, normally, you get on...

James Corden's there. Do you know him? James Corden?

I don't know James Corden personally, right,

but he's always going on in interviews

about how brilliant he thinks I am, right?

And the feeling is not reciprocated.

Britain's loss is America's loss also.

He's there clapping away, James Corden.

Honestly, if you google James Corden and my name,

you'll find all these interviews, you know,

there's people going to him, "What's your favourite thing?"

And he goes, "Oh, Stewart Lee's brilliant."

You know, trying to make out he's clever.

LAUGHTER

Imagine James Corden watching me.

Like a dog listening to classical music.

It's ridiculous, isn't it? A lie. PR bullshit.

He's there clapping away and Graham Norton walks right...

He doesn't do anything, James Corden.

He's a big bloke, isn't he?

He could've jumped up, got Graham Norton,

got him on the floor going, "What are you doing?

"You can't have that."

Anyway, I don't care, I just...

I don't care, right?

I'm just saying...

You know, there are practical considerations for this, right?

I am 47, I've had two kids a bit too late in life, to be honest.

And I've got...

Well, yeah, you know, I've got a mortgage as of last year.

I appreciate I'm very lucky to be able to get a mortgage,

but the fact is I've worked out to shift that debt,

to sort those kids out, I'm going to have to carry on working

not necessarily on TV, not necessarily to big crowds of people

but certainly, you know, five, six nights a week

into my mid-70s, you know and a...

..a BAFTA might just have helped to...

Graham Norton...

Why would he want children to suffer?

You do set up this premise that Graham Norton

wins the Comedy Award when you should have won it.

What you leave out is it was the Comedy and Entertainment Award

and if you say that,

then Graham Norton's winning of it seems much more reasonable.

Was it for Comedy and Entertainment, is that what the category was?

-You've only just found that out?

-I didn't know that. I wouldn't...

-When you wrote the...

-I wouldn't have written it if I'd known that, cos I wouldn't have been able...

Don't make it like it's my fault, you said, "If I'd known that..."

I didn't withhold the information from you,

-it was there on the programme.

-Look, if it's for entertainment,

then I think it's fine that he won it,

because he's undeniably entertaining.

So, you've just, basically, now overturned that whole...

Well, I didn't know, I thought it was for...

Comedy to me is like, you know,

it's sort of a big subject, it's an art form,

but if it's just for entertainment, then fine.

This isn't entertainment, no-one would think that.

No-one's sitting at home, watching this going, "How entertaining."

No-one gets to the end of it and goes,

"Well, I've been royally entertained by that, do they?"

But they can't deny that it's comedy and the reason why it's comedy

-is cos it has...

-No entertainment value?

This is the problem I have now that I enjoy a degree of security,

What is my social responsibility to others, to the world?

For example, prostitutes work in the alley behind where I live.

And like a lot of stand-up comedians,

I don't really mind prostitutes, like a lot of stand-up comedians.

I don't. I both relate to and sympathise with prostitutes.

Cos I know what it's like to provide people with a service they crave

and yet to be despised for it.

At least prostitutes don't have people writing in

to tell them how they could have done it better.

"You should be more racist, mate."

But...

The only problem with the prostitutes

is they throw their used condoms full of sperm into the garden

and when we moved in, I told the kids

that fairies lived at the bottom of the garden.

And my two-year-old saw a used condom hanging on the tree

and she said to me, "Ooh, what's that?"

And I went, "It's a fairy's rain hat."

And she said, "Oh, then why is it full of sperm?"

Kids say the funniest things, don't they?

LAUGHTER

Kids say the funniest things. You like that, do you?

Kids say the funniest things.

My God.

I stand before them,

a 47-year-old man, hundreds of thousands of pounds in debt,

doing shit hack kids say the funniest things stuff

to try and pay it off.

Who used to come and see me in the '90s when I was good?

Anyone remember?

I wouldn't have done kids say the funniest things stuff then, would I?

I can't afford to reject monetisable content

merely because it's of no artistic value.

Sometimes I wonder who's the real prostitute.

Sometimes I think I should invite those prostitutes in

to live with me.

That's what Jesus would have done...

..but only if there was the chance of an aromatic foot bath.

Should be more for that, really.

I'm all for a secular society,

but let's not throw the baby out with the bath water.

You need to know those old stories.

We were all out in the garden, the whole family

and we saw a fox trying to eat one of the used condoms

and I know he was having a terrible time of it, the fox.

He looked like a man with badly-fitted dentures,

ill-advisedly dining on oysters.

LAUGHTER

Two-speed room.

I told my six-year-old that the fox was eating fox chewing gum.

And he said,

"Oh, why did the prostitutes throw fox chewing gum into the garden...

"..covered in sperm?"

He didn't say that, did he?

I made it up for money.

LAUGHTER

Talking about prostitutes,

I don't want to look like these Mock The Week comics,

making fun of people worse off than me,

but as a politically correct liberal,

I don't know if I'm supposed to regard sex workers

as victims of exploitation or as empowered women

making positive lifestyle choices.

And that's why when I get home late at night

and the prostitutes approach you around the garages after gigs,

I always offer them £5 for a swift run down on the various

ideological issues affecting the subject

and a quick chat about how it impacts on the wider world

of women's personal and political freedoms generally...

..which is something I can get at home for free.

What's wrong with me? I'm sick!

It's the lure of the forbidden.

One of them said to me, "Where have you been tonight?"

I said, "I've been doing a telly thing,

"talking about how kids say the funniest things."

She said, "You shouldn't have to do that, here's 20 quid."

If you'd bothered to finish this show properly,

how would it have ended?

The show is never finished.

It's documented and then you have to move on.

Somewhere, the show's still sort of playing out.

Every time it's watched by people, they respond differently to it.

Is that what you say if you hand in something that's under-length,

say, to the BBC, do you say,

"Don't worry, somewhere it's still playing out"?

Yeah. Like, sounds travelling out into space forever.

And what do they say to you?

They go, "Can you make it 28 minutes long, please?"

Next on BBC Four, Orienteering With Napalm Death.

MUSIC: Pseudo Youth by Napalm Death