Scran Still Game

# Hurdy, gurdy, gurdy... #

There we go. Tea, teacakes.

Jesus. Teacakes. Is it no a bit early fur teacakes?

-I've been up since hauf four. This is the middle of the bloody afternoon tae me.

-I was up at four.

Of course, you enjoy a lie-in, don't you?

Well, let's get them defoiled.

Smashin'. Laurel and Hardy.

Eh?

You never think o' one without thinkin' of the other. Tea and teacakes. Abbott and Costello!

-I've got you. Charlie Chaplin.

-Aye. ..Naw.

-What's this we're watching?

-Old Dugs And New Tricks. Channel 5.

-That's about people that come oot of retirement.

-And the film crew film them.

-On camera.

-Fur the telly.

This boy here. Pat Carson. He's 83. Started a business wi' his da, worked until he was 70.

He sold the lot. He's retired. But then he cannae stick the retirement

-so he starts a new business at 78! That's him at it five year. Makin' a fortune.

-Daein' whit?

-Pallets. Carson's Pallets.

-Is there money in that game?

Apparently so. Aye... That's tae be admired that - still rollin' your sleeves up at that age! 83.

-How?

-Eh?

-How's that tae be admired, workin' at that age?

-Eh? Cos he's up and about. He's no' sittin' vegetatin'.

-What's up with vegetatin'? I worked all my life to sit vegetating if I want tae.

-Listen tae you!

-That attitude'll huv you in your box a' the quicker.

-Explain.

-The brain is the most complex muscle in the body.

-Organ.

-Organ muscle, all right.

It needs activity. And that spurs the body on. To get up, dae stuff.

Get the blood pumpin'. Live a long time.

Why'd you want to live a long time? For some young bastard tae blow you ower

-and rip your pension right aff you, and there you are, defenceless?

-Sittin' aboot? It's wrang.

It's a waste o' yersel'. He's active at 83. You have to admire him.

Och, well, I'll just admire him as well, will I?

-Aye, here he comes. Hello! I'm... ..What's his name?

-Pat.

-Oh, aye. I'm Pat. I don't like to sit aboot.

I'm better than thae sittin'-aboot bastards Jack and Victor.

Cos I want tae knock ma 83-year-old pan in liftin' auld skelfy pallets.

For I am Pat. King Pat, The Pallet Prick.

Aye, he is an arsehole.

Imagine going to the boozer wi' him. "I'll tell you another thing aboot pallets." No, you willnae, Pat.

-Shut up, you prick.

-Walloper. He'll be deid in six months. Worked tae death.

-Like an old horse.

-Prick.

Aye, he's a prick.

By the way, Meena, keep an eye out fur that wee Davie Turner bastard. I'm sure he's filling his pockets.

What am I thinkin' aboot? 40 casuals could come in here shouting and bawling and helpin' theirselves

and you'd be none the wiser. I'll cut some eyeholes in the paper.

That'll save you looking up from the bastard.

That's not like you, Meena. Usually you come back with something quick. With some slagging.

Where's the verbal ping-pong?

That's a pish comeback. "Your brother's deid"? How is that funny?

Three lager and... (a Midori and lemonade.)

-Oh, Midori. Quirky. A quirky-wurkie.

-It's no fur me. It's him. He's aff his nut.

-So you'll be buildin' thae new flats?

-Aye.

-28 luxury apartments.

-Luxury? Rooms are tiny.

-Aye, but it'll be brand-new. Like show homes wi' that new smell. Like a new car.

-They'll make smashin' homes for folk starting oot. Buy me a pint, eh?

-Eh?

-Buy me a pint and you can tell me aboot the new flats. On you go.

-No. You're all right, pal.

-Spillage.

-Hello.

-Pint of lager, please.

-First time in here?

-Aye.

-Ice cream, right?

-Mobile catering outlet.

-A snack van?

-Fresh snacks.

-Whereabouts?

Ootside the building site over there. Luxury flats. Lot of bodies.

They boys paid a visit today. ..Didn't you, fellas?

-Aye.

-You - bacon and tomato.

-That's right.

-You - roll and sausage.

-Aye.

-Enjoy it?

-Very much so.

-Very much so.

-Roll fresh?

-Aye.

-Sausage cooked through?

-Cooked through, aye.

Good.

-Eric.

-Whit?

-Who he?

-Him? Vince. He used tae be a manky bastard.

Poisoned the whole of Yarrows a few year back. Delayed a boat goin' tae the Falklands.

Noo, he's immaculate. Every time he farts, he changes his drawers.

There you go, my friend.

-Scuse me?

-Aye.

-This gless is contaminated.

-Sorry?

-It's got lipstick on it. I'm rejectin' it.

-Oh, right.

There we go now.

Nup.

Hasty! Hasty!

It says here, Jack, that they didnae huv guns. They had tae use sticks instead o' guns.

What dae you make o' that?

Jack?

Jack!

-What're you daein'?

-See? I knew I had these.

I bought them fur the grandwean's Christmas. He was angling fur one o' them Sony stations, an' all.

Want tae have seen the huff he went in when I gied him these. Left them lyin', ungrateful wee bastard.

-What ur they?

-Padz. You put them on your hauns, and the ba' sticks on.

I can't imagine why the wee fella was disappointed at that.

There wis he expectin' a computer console he could play with a' day. And what did you get him? Padz.

-I'd huv flung them at you.

-Ha ha.

It was you sayin' that we shouldnae be sittin' vegetatin'. I thought, "Aye, Victor, that's right.

-"Get your blood pumpin'." Here. Put one of them oan. It's a good laugh.

-Quite a comfy fit, that.

-Right, are you right?

-Right.

-Oh, shit!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that noo?

-It's Navid, Jack.

-Navid?

-Hello, Navid.

-Oh, good. You're baith here.

-This is a surprise. You here.

-Aye?

-Haud on.

Isa. Back inside.

Inside now, Isa.

Shut the door.

Properly.

-What can we do for you?

-I came to see Jack and I was coming to see you. I've got something to ask.

Come in.

-Hey ho. Do you want a cup of tea?

-No, thanks, Jack.

-Sit doon.

-Thanks.

-Padz. What did you pay for these?

-I dunno. Three quid?

-You were robbed.

-You should have said. I could have got you them for two quid.

-Well, there you go.

-So, eh...

-Look. It's just Velcro, cardboard, a wee bit of webbing.

There's nothing to them. Cost 30p to make, and the rest is profit. This is where the overheads are.

-Navid, what is it you're wanting?

-My brother's died.

-I'm sorry.

-That's bad news.

Aye. I'm going to be away a week. You see, my brother wis the idiot. He had his money in Pardu

-when everybody else had theirs in Bangu, know what I mean?

-Aye...

-Clown.

-I need to tidy his affairs.

-So, Jack, you told me you used to run a shop.

-Aye, I did, aye. Ma father's shop. A grocer's.

-So, could you and Victor run my shop?

-Can you not just ask Meena?

Fantastic idea! No, wait. She's a lazy bastard who'll ruin me.

-She's comin' with me.

-Jeezo, Navid, I don't know. It's been 30-odd year since I ran a shop.

-How would I work the till?

-We have a 35-year-old till.

-Oh, right.

-And stock?

-You'd have to go to the cash-and-carry once.

-I'm not sure.

What were we talking about earlier? Vegetatin'...

-OK, you're on.

-Great. That's a weight off ma mind.

-I'll make a cup of tea to seal the deal.

-Lovely.

-Milk and two. Oh, did I mention I leave tonight?

-You omitted that.

-You mean we're working the morra?

-5.45.

In at the deep end, eh? Good.

To me.

Mother of Christ!

Shite. Naewhere tae hide.

-Winston!

-Isa.

-You'll never guess.

-You're right, Isa, I probably willnae.

-What are you like?

-I know. What AM I like?

-Where are you goin'?

-I'm goin' to Navid's. OK?

-You're in for a surprise when you get there!

-What's that?

-Jack and Victor are running the shop.

-Navid's away.

-Eh?

-Meena takes a phone call yesterday. Turns out Navid's brother...

-Added-on drivel!

Vince Gallagher! The poisoner of Clydeside!

-I don't know what you're talkin' aboot.

-Aye, you dae. You used to run the manky canteen at Yarrows.

What was it? Middle of winter. You dished up stew. Everybody takes it.

-You could huv launched a ship on the diarrhoea you caused that day, you filthy, manky bastard.

-Hang on!

No, YOU hang on. 1,800 good men went doon. Nine days I wis oot the game.

Heid ower the sink, arse ower the pan. Baith ends goin' full tilt cos of your stew. I can still taste it.

-Let me explain.

-Here you are. And you've the cheek tae still be in the food gemme.

-Stop!

Indeed I will not. I'll trash you. I'll no' let you dae the same tae this generation as you did tae mine.

I'm callin' the health board.

And whit are you gonna say, fattie? You've got nothing on me. Ma van's spotless. Look at ma hauns. Minted.

I made a mistake - I paid fur it. Noo, all I'm tryin' tae dae is turn a coin. I'm clean.

I'm super-clean. I'm the cleanest. You're the manky wee bastard.

-Germs crawlin' over you. I can see them.

-That's psycho patter, that.

You're a psycho. A clean psycho, I'll gie you that, but a psycho.

Jack!

Ja-ack! >

-JACK!

-Where are you?

-Look up at the telly.

Oh, aye. Hiya.

Hello!

-Where are you?

-In the stock room!

-That's smashin'.

Hello, there, now.

There we are... Square loaf...

Werthers Originals... I could eat them masel'. They're lovely.

Persil. That's £3.50.

Thanking you.

Ten in!

Nice touch, ten in, very nice.

There we are... 50p is four, and five is ten. Can you manage that?

-Thank you.

-All right. Bye!

I'll get the door for you, ma love.

-Do call again now.

-Bravo, Victor, bravo.

-Part of the job, Jacko. Part of the job. And don't think I didnae notice your counter technique.

-Oh, aye?

Listin' the items. Askin' if they'll manage. And the bag. You didnae wait tae be asked fur one. Classy.

That's one of my pet hates, havin' tae beg fur a bag.

20 John Player Special, as well, please.

-Brillo pads...

-There you are, sir.

-Vosene... Yoyos...

A magazine. Big Cocks.

Jesus! The thing's called Big Cocks!

Oh, Jesus...

Put it in the bag, Jack.

That's smashing. Er, £5.60, please.

-Call again. Victor, would you get the door for the gentleman?

-No.

Dirty bastard!

-What are you daein?

-Tryin' tae get that picture oot ma heid.

-Right, youse two.

-Winston, how are you?

-I was in the Clansman. Naebody knows where youse are.

-We're here.

-And who did I hear it fae?

-Isa.

-Aye! You might huv telt us.

-Navid's away and we're tending the shop.

-And I'm hung oot tae dry.

-How?

Naebody tae go for a pint with or to the library or to the cafe.

-Gie's something tae dae.

-How are your references?

-There they are. Gie's something tae dae.

The two executive positions have been filled, however there will be a requirement for a store boy,

a general lackey.

What's needing done?

We can just as soon can your arse. Nae eatin'.

Jeezo. Hauf twelve, and this place is stone deid.

-And?

-You know why that is.

-How?

-You should be daein' rolls. Hot food.

-There's nae demand fur that.

-Your arse. There a building site there full o' hungry workies.

-Waste of time.

-He might be right, Victor.

We've got a' the stuff here tae make up rolls. There's a fryin' pan in the back.

We've got sausage, bacon, tottie scones. Good gear.

-And we could make wursels a couple of quid intae the bargain.

-Make Navid a couple of quid.

-No, no, no.

Whatever we take, we pay for. Anything above that's ours.

They'll be in for ginger and fags and sweeties that they wouldnae be in for. Navid'll get his cut.

-No, no, no. You cannae huv a fryin' pan in Navid's shop.

-He's in India! He's hardly gonnae smell it.

All right. Happy days.

-Winston, crack open a packet of bacon. You get a block of lard.

-Oh, lard. Nae oil!

-Aye...

I'll butter the rolls. Butter, mind - nae marge.

Open that door to let the workies have a sniff of the cookin'.

MUSIC: "Green Onions" by Booker T And The MGs

-OK, all the best now.

-Cheerie bye.

-Lads, I do think that was our busiest lunch yet.

-It's a fickle thing, the customer, in't it?

-Eh?

-Hard tae keep their loyalties when they huv so many options. It's a consumer-driven society.

-What?

-Your business! One minute you're mobbed, next minute naebody wants tae know you.

-What's goin' on?

Och, you'll no catch me gossipin'.

-That was the best day I've had in a long time. Good bit of solid graft.

-Me an' all. I feel aboot 16.

Days ago, we were callin' Pat the Pallet all the pricks of the day. Noo look at us. Buildin' an empire.

'Mon. I'm chokin'.

Aye. Good. You're here. Where's ma cut?

Right here, Winston.

Now, minus overheads, we're £126 sterling to the good.

Navid's to get half, so that leaves us a three-way split of £21 each.

Sweet.

-But you tapped me 20 fur your gas bill last week, so...

-Jesus. A pound. I'll stick it in the puggy.

-Don't panic. We'll get you a pint.

-It's Donald and Ivana Trump.

Up yours, Boabby. Three lager.

-We saw you slinkin' in fur a roll.

-Indeed we did.

-Did you enjoy it?

It wis OK. Bit too much butter. I prefer a dry roll, you know.

"I prefer a dry roll"(!) 100 customers cannae be wrong, right, lads?

-No' even a bloody nudge.

-Boys, I hear things are going a bomb. The whole scheme's talkin' aboot youse.

-Cut us in, eh?

-Cut us in, eh? That's a crackin' idea, Tam.

-The more the merrier. Welcome aboard!

-Smashin'! Thank you!

It's a winnin' team, Tam.

Hang on, Jack. Too many executives leads tae a top-heavy management structure. It's unsustainable.

-It'll lead to redundancies.

-That's right, Victor.

Well, Tam, you were last in, so you'll be first out. Cheery-bye!

Well done, boys. Business is boomin'.

By all accounts, the food's good, tae. Reasonably priced.

Comprehensive menu. Tasty. I might wander by and see whit all the fuss is aboot.

-Don't listen to him.

-How, who is he?

Vince. He used tae work at Yarrows. He's a walloper. He runs that snack bar over by the buildin' site.

-Are we pissing him off by takin' his business?

-Competition's healthy. And he shouldnae be in business.

Right, boys. See you again.

That's the last of them away now, Victor.

-Thank God fur that. We must huv been busier than yesterday.

-Aye.

-We could be daein' wi' Winston. That's three hours he's been at that cash-and-carry.

-Lovely. To me!

Come on, youse two. Gie's a haun. Oh, soup! Lovely!

Jesus, Winston, you've went mental.

-What's all that stuff?

-Mega tub of ketchup. Pump action.

-A time saver.

-And economical.

-And one with brown sauce and one with mustard.

-Mustard?

For hotdogs. We're branching out, boys. Expandin'.

And let me present to you...

-Ooh!

-..the Tea King.

-How much was that?

-Well, I had to sink a right few quid intae it.

-It'll pay fur itself in two days.

-It'll take two days tae fill it!

Listen, lads, gie me ma divvy the noo. I'm no' really up for a pint the night. I'm no' feelin' great.

-Shut up. You'll be fine. You're just tired.

-Aye...

-Hello, there.

-Where's Boabby?

Aff sick. SQUELCHING FART

Did you, eh...?

-Aye, I huv.

-That's whit's wrang wi' Boabby.

Quiet the night, boys. I like it quiet.

-SQUELCHING FART

-Excuse me, gents.

-Feelin' any better?

-Naw. Ma arse is red raw.

Oh, Isa.

Well? Anythin'?

Thae poor boys.

-The building site's completely shut. Big padlock on the gate.

-A whole buildin' site poisoned.

-It cannae be fae here. This place is spotless.

-I know! I've been cleaning it fur 20 year!

Away, ya dirty, sleekit bastard. ..C'mere!

What?

-Watch this.

-What is this?

-This, Jack, is Wednesday morning at exactly 11.10am.

-And whit?

-Keep watching.

-Eh?

-Oh...

-Whit's that he's daein'?

-Watch this. Bingo!

-Naw...

-Naw...

-Dirty, lowlife stinkin', smelly, skanky, slimy, manky bastard!

-He's done it tae me again.

-SQUELCHING FART

There you go. Enjoy that.

-What do youse two want?

-Now, don't start. We're here tae make peace.

-Oh, aye?

-We're no longer in the catering business, Vince.

Give you your due. We're too old for that game. I'm 72.

I'm 74. It's a young man's game. We're better off oot it.

-Fine.

-Good. Can we have two rolls and sausage?

-Two rolls and sausage.

-They look lovely.

-Indeedy they do. Uh-huh.

-What do we owe you?

-It's on me.

-That's very kind. Good luck, then.

-Roll and egg, mate.

-OK.

-Oh, dear! There would appear to be a cockroach in ma roll!

That's boggin'! That would make you sick. Oh, naw! There's one in mine!

-Beasties in the food, fellas. I'm gonnae howf!

-Me an' all!

Don't listen tae them! You'll no' find cockroaches in here! They planted them! This van's spotless!

GASPS OF DISGUST

That's fur Yarrows, ya bastard!

With me are the men who were in the shop when the incident took place.

-A narrow escape.

-Yes, it was narrow, yes...

-It was really narrow.

-What happened?

-I had just come back from my brother's funeral in India.

Jack and Victor were running the shop in my absence.

Then the crazy bastard drove through...

-I said bastard.

-We can show you some CCTV footage.

Subtitles by Alison Haggart BBC Broadcast - 2003

E-mail us at [email protected]

The driver of the van got out and fled and is still at large.

-Do you have any idea who would do such a thing?

-No.

Not at all.