Buntin Still Game


Buntin

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Aw, Jesus, look at the mess!

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-Morning, Navid.

-Pete! I'll give you morning, ye arsehole! Look at this!

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-It wisnae me.

-Shut up! If you were hungry you could have come to me

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and said, "Navid, I am hungry."

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I could have given you something to eat, like potato peelings.

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Navid, I didnae dae this!

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More lies. Pete, why don't you, if you'll pardon the pun, come clean?

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-You're a smelly beggar and you like eating fae bins.

-It was a fox.

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A fox? Describe this fox.

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Er, red, bushy tail. Wee mad snout.

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I see. Let me try and imagine the scene.

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You are lying here on your arse when this fox gets into ma garbage.

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Then the fox finds two old bananas.

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He hungrily wolfs one down. Spots you, Pete the jakie, and feels compassion

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because he's a kind-hearted fox. So he then gives you the other banana.

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Leave it, Pete, the banana's humped ye.

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Ohh!

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I love a Sunday morning.

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-Gies ye a chance to power down and look back on the week's toil.

-Aye.

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What toil?

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Going for your pension and that and all that entails, you know, etc.

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Aye. Ye must be knackered.

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Sit doon and I'll bring this through for ye.

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Aw, ye know what I'm talking aboot.

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-Sunday's a day aff, isn't it?

-Ye wanting a tomato in?

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-Ooh, what size is it?

-It's a Lanark. Come on!

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-Mm, I doubt if I could eat a whole one.

-Half each?

-Aye, half each.

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Here - you seen this?

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No.

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"Craiglang Community Centre".

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They're having their "grand opening".

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-What do you think a "grand opening" is?

-Grand opening?

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-I don't know. Queen and that.

-Naw, that would be a royal opening.

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-It'll be somebody from the council.

-Naw, that'd be an official opening.

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Hmmm... Grand...

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Grand opening...

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It'll be some arsehole off Take The High Road.

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Or some daft, stupid weather lassie.

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Do you remember we went to that supermarket...

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and they had that what's-his-face guy. What was he called again?

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-Oh, aye.

-The big fat bastard.

-Him off that cookery programme. Stands next tae that stupid cow?

-Aye.

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Honking of drink at nine o'clock in the morning, cutting the ribbon.

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That's right - big balloon! Snip, snip, cheque please! Thank you!

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Pub. Glug glug glug glug glug glug. What a tit!

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Well, here we are.

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Not too much.

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Mm, well, this looks nice.

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You see, I cannae eat much in the morning.

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I'm the same. I've got the appetite of a sparrow.

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-Little and often. That's the key.

-Mm-hm. Ach, well. Bon appetit.

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Enjoy. BURR-RRP!

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A quality bit of bunting there, Bobby.

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-Nice, innit?

-How much would you pay for that?

-Nothing.

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-Free buntin'?! Where did ye get it?

-Brian Dexter's car showroom.

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-Is he no' in the jail for drugs? Aye, he got ten years.

-Aye, so I took his buntin'.

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-What?

-Ooh, stealing a gangster's buntin'.

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-Gie's peace!

-He might come back for it.

-Do ye think?

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OK, Tam. I'm Brian Dexter and I'm in my wee jail cell.

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"What's happening in ma showroom? Is ma wife getting pumped?

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"Never mind that. Who's got my buntin'? Where's my buntin'?" Rattling his bars,

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screaming for the whole jail tae hear - "Where's ma buntin'?!"

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Ye daft auld prick!

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Where's the barman, Jack?

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I dunno. I can see a big daft lassie up a ladder, but.

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Aye. We can see right up your skirt, Bobby! See your frilly panties.

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When you're finished fannying aboot with that buntin', Roberta, can ye give us a couple of pints?

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What's a' that in aid of, Bobby?

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-He's nicked Brian Dexter's buntin'.

-Oooh!

-No' you as well! It's for the community centre opening.

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-What's that tae dae wi' you?

-There'll be dignitaries aboot. THIRSTY dignitaries. Passin' trade!

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-If they've any brains, that's what they'll dae - pass.

-Passin' trade. You'll be lucky!

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I'LL worry about ma business and YOUSE two worry about whether ye'll make it through another winter.

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When are you gonnae realise, Bobby, that this place is a shithole?

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-Accept it.

-Come to terms with it.

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Try and deal with it. It's a coup!

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And no amount of shitty buntin's going to change that.

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-Oh, smashing! Two flat lagers.

-Fit for a dignitary.

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You're clean. Beat it.

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Wee wide-o. Keep your eyes on him, Meena. He's at the rob.

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What?

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I'm giein' it laldy to Pete, and you sit there like a windae-licker! When were you going to tell me?

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Why?

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I knew you weren't sleeping, you cow.

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Pete! Wait! I want to apologise!

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That was delicious. Another two pints of your flat lager, please.

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-Hello, you two!

-Jesus! Isa.

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-You wantin' a drink?

-No. I'm no' stopping. I popped in to tell ye...

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Aye. Aye, a sweet sherry. Wait till ye see Pete.

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-The jakie?

-Ye'll no' call him that when ye see him.

-How?

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He's headed in here. Ye'll see for yersel'. I'm saying nothing!

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-Are you all right, Isa?

-Aye. How?

-You saying nothing! Let me take your pulse.

-Get aff!

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Charlie.

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Hen. Isa. Jimmy.

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-Glass of Thunderbird, Bobby.

-You can't judge an alky by his cover.

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Do you, er...want that in a Martini glass?

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Get it up ye!

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Naw, naw, naw. That'll no dae at a'.

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C'mere, you.

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-Have ye won the lotto?

-Going tae a funeral?

-Or the court?

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Are you Pete's rich twin? ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

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Community centre. Opening tomorrow. ALL: Mmm.

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Council bigwigs'll be there. ALL: Mmm.

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What with me having been wi' internal operations, I've been called in to protect them.

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MUTTERING

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Look, I'm tellin' youse!

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Don't talk shite. Internal operations? Who are you? 007?

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Aye - licensed tae get pished!

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-HUMS JAMES BOND THEME

-The name's Bastard. Alky Bastard.

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Martini. Shaken, not stirred. Seven of them. And a kebab.

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So there's me bawlin' at Pete - "Bloody bin raker!"

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-then she tells me it was a fox. If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.

-Will do. OK.

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A fox, eh? Tough one. See if it was a rat, now,

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you just set a trap for it, or poison it. End of problem. But a fox! How do you catch a fox?

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-By becoming one.

-Eh? ..Shug.

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The fox appears tae be a filthy bastard wi' stinking fur.

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Thriving on rubbish.

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Giving little in return.

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But he's smart. Wily.

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He's no' dirty. He's clean. Groomed.

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Aye, there's more to Mr Fox than meets the eye.

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He wants what you've got. When does he want it? Night time.

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You have to outsmart him.

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Be trickier than him.

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See him in the very darkness he hides in.

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Get under his skin.

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Become him.

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Pack of Yoyos, Navid.

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What de ye make of that bugger Pete?

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Bet he found that suit in a bin.

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Internal operations.

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Imagine Pete protectin' anybody.

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You're awfy quiet, Bobby. What are you sayin' tae it?

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-I don't know.

-Don't know what?

-Maybe he wis tellin' the truth.

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-Whit? Get a haud of yerself.

-No. Listen.

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I've never spoke aboot this before. It's gonnae sound stupid, but...

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There was one night in here. Must have been - oh, 20 year ago...

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MUSIC: "Gold" by Spandau Ballet

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-De we have tae huv that again? Turn that shite aff!

-Shut up. I like it.

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TURNS MUSIC UP

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'It wis quiet. Just a couple of punters in.

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'A few boys at the pool table.

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'Pete was in. Just sittin' like he always does, reading' his paper.

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'Next thing I know, a rammy starts up. Fightin', shoutin' and bawlin'.

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'Here's the thing.

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'By the time I get round the bar, two boys are lying decked out,

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'and Pete's haudin' a third boy, who's sleeping like a baby.

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'I says, "Whit's happened here?"

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'"Nuthin," he says.'

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What are ye sayin? That he set aboot them all?

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It'd be the smell off him that knocked them oot.

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Tam? Eric? You buyin' this?

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-It's an odd story, right enough, Jack.

-Victor?

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It's a lot of shite. We'll get tae the bottom of it. Come on.

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-What is it we're doing?

-Well, we've got to find Pete and find out what he's talking aboot.

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I suspect it'll be a lot of pish.

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Mind you, that was a curious tale. How could Pete lay out three men single-handedly?

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Maybe they've tried to take his drink off him and he's turned into the Hulk!

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Waagh! Troosers all burst - "Give me back my pint!"

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Where are youse two off to in a hurry? Is Navid selling incontinence pads at hauf price?

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Very funny. Where are you going?

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It's a big story. Navid's being plagued by a fox.

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It's tearing away at his garbage and spreading its filth everywhere.

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It's got to be stopped. I'm going up to Shug's. He's got some equipment.

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We're going to hunt it doon. Exciting, eh?

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-Exciting, aye.

-What are youse doing?

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A certain somebody known to you... and us...

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a man...

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-may or may not be a covert agent for the Government.

-Eh?

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We're placing him under oor surveillance to ascertain if he's telling the truth.

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-That's really sad, that.

-What is?

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You won't admit you've got nothing to dae. I'm doing something really interesting but you won't have it.

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You're trying to top it with spy pish!

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Whit?

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If you're going to pull on woolly slippers to slurp tea while watching Fifteen To One,

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be men enough to admit it.

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Don't lie to me. Excuse me - I've got a fox to catch.

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-Winston, we're telling you!

-OK. I'll play along with your wee game.

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Who is your international man of mystery?

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Pete the jakie.

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Nope!

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THEME FROM "The Pink Panther"

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-God's sake. What are we doing?

-Eh?

-Following a tramp aboot the toon?

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Desperate, isn't it?

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Is that all we've got to do with our time - fill it up with this?

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Dreamin' up secret agent shite?

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We must be aff our nuts, eh?

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-Come on. We'll jump back on the bus.

-Aye.

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-Oh! Wait a minute, Jack.

-What?

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-Look! He's headin' intae that big fancy hotel!

-So he is.

-Come on!

-Aye!

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-Oh!

-See that?

-Aye!

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Navid.

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-Gentlemen. Right on time. Are we equipped?

-We are.

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Come on, then.

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-What have you got for me?

-Right, Navid...

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Eh...

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we've got scraps.

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-To attract him. Chicken, pork and fat.

-Bait. Nice.

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Then...we've got...

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A stinger. 240 volts. Should render him immobile for about a minute.

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Giving us time to batter him with a brick.

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No! Giving us time to slip him in this bag.

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-Throw him in the canal?

-No, release him in the countryside.

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-Countryside.

-Guid yin. Humane. How are we gonnae see him? It's pitch black.

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We'll see him, all right.

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Wi' these.

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Night goggles. Quality!

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Winston. Put the lights out.

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Ho-ho! These are the bollocks!

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Brilliant, eh Winston? Winston?

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Hey you, ya cheeky bastard!

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-Nae butter on these?

-I've no' got any.

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-There's Branston pickle there, if you want it.

-That'll dae.

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-Here, what do you think we saw today?

-Oh, I don't know, Jack. We saw something, though.

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The thing is, he couldnae have always been an alky.

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-He must have done something before he hit the sauce.

-What do we actually know about him?

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I cannae remember him ever working.

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No, neither can I.

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Maybe he's no' an alky at all - maybe he's leading a double life.

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It'll be a turn-up for the books if he IS leading a double life.

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Aye - after ripping the pish out o' him. What was it you said? "Licence to get pished."

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-Och, that was hee-haw. It's you he'll be pissed off wi'.

-How?

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You called him an alky bastard.

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Do you think he will be pissed off?

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I don't know. We went in pretty heavy on him.

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Think he's gonnae rub us oot(?)

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Eh?

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Aye, kill us government-style, you know?

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There you are, on your way to the Post Office.

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In the queue - "Hello, Tam. Hello, Winston. Hello, Eric."

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A face you don't recognise. Next thing...

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Urgh! Stabbed with the poisoned end of a brolly. Assassinated!

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Or you're sitting in the park, feeding the ducks, an old dear sits down next to you.

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"Hello." But she's got stubbly legs.

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Next thing, she's garotting you!

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He wouldnae assassinate me, but.

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-I'd see him coming.

-Oh, aye?

-Aye!

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I'd chop away the brolly, grab him, birl him round and do that thing they dae in the pictures -

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Urgh...krk! - snap his neck. "There ye are, ye bastard!"

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-I cannae get that open.

-Give me it.

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I'd pull his jaikit over his heid, pin his airms to his body!

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I'd get the palm of my haun', smash it off his nose, kill him deid.

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I cannae get that either.

0:19:590:20:01

Do you want to just eat these dry?

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Another pint over here, Bobby, please.

0:20:070:20:09

-Is that the finishing touches for the morra?

-Aye.

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..Did ye steal that fae Brian Dexter's showroom tae?

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Aye... I had tae cut a bit aff it, but.

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Bobby...

0:20:260:20:28

You might be right about Pete. We followed him intae the toun and he wis acting right suspicious.

0:20:280:20:33

-We saw him hookin' up wi' a couple of suits. There's definitely something gaun on.

-I telt youse.

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Internal operations... >

0:20:390:20:41

..Pete?!

0:20:410:20:42

< Bobby...

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Glass of Thunderbird?

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Eh... No, water - I'm workin' the morra.

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LAUGHTER That's right - snigger. Have a laugh.

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Too much tae swallow that a smelly alky could have responsibilities?

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Who'd want anythin' tae dae wi' me, eh? What good am I to anybody?

0:20:580:21:02

That's all right. You wait till the morra.

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See who's sniggerin' then.

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Oh, and by the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it -

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sniff my manky ring!

0:21:120:21:15

No, I'll pass, if you don't mind.

0:21:180:21:21

-I'm bored oot ma tits, here.

-Shh! We've only been here hauf an hour.

0:21:240:21:28

So it's been 29 minutes since the novelty of these goggles wore aff?

0:21:280:21:33

What are you talkin' aboot?

0:21:330:21:34

I thought I wis going tae see Craiglang At Night -

0:21:340:21:38

break-ins, kids daein' graffiti, neds shaggin' in the park, knifings.

0:21:380:21:44

Instead, what huv we seen?

0:21:440:21:46

A dug takin' a dump. Rubbish.

0:21:460:21:49

Everything OK at the community centre?

0:21:490:21:51

-Everything OK at the community centre?

-(Polis!)

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-Aye. Things should go off all right tomorrow.

-Good.

0:21:530:21:57

-I've got tae take a pish.

-Aye, me an a'. Ma back teeth are swimming.

0:21:570:22:02

We say we're looking for a fox.

0:22:020:22:04

We're wearing night-vision goggles - we look like assassins!

0:22:040:22:08

I borrowed these fae the Terries without tellin'! I'll get lifted!

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THEY URINATE

0:22:150:22:17

Naw! This is too much for any man to take!

0:22:170:22:21

You pished all over my tank top! It's wringin', ya filthy bastard!

0:22:210:22:26

-Oh, I'll need to nick into Navid's for some tobacco.

-Righto.

0:22:340:22:38

-Shut.

-That's odd - he's normally open by noo.

0:22:410:22:44

Probably still in his bed, the big balloon.

0:22:440:22:48

-You know, they're throwing 30 grand at this community centre.

-Are they?

0:22:490:22:54

That's like pissin' in the wind round here - the council build it up and the neds pan it in.

0:22:540:22:59

-What's in it, anyway?

-A ping pong table, I think.

-Is that it?

-Aye.

0:22:590:23:04

-Jesus! Disneyworld.

-Isneyworld, mair like...

0:23:040:23:08

It gives me great pleasure

0:23:210:23:23

-to be here today.

-Naw, it doesnae.

0:23:230:23:26

With great admiration, I've watched the community of Craiglang grow and flourish...

0:23:260:23:33

Naw, ye huvnae.

0:23:330:23:35

-My father grew up here and always had the greatest respect for his home...

-Naw, he didnae.

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-I only wish he was here to see this.

-Naw, ye don't.

0:23:420:23:46

I'm sure he would join me in congratulating Craiglang today as we open this wonderful facility,

0:23:460:23:54

for this building is a magnificent addition to a caring, thriving, forward-thinking community.

0:23:540:24:01

Naw, it isnae.

0:24:010:24:02

Oh... There's Pete!

0:24:100:24:12

-Where?

-There! By the councillor!

-Jesus, he wis right enough!

0:24:120:24:17

Pete!

0:24:170:24:18

ALL SHOUT

0:24:470:24:50

-He's wan of yer ain!

-Take your bloody hauns aff him!

0:24:500:24:54

Get your hauns aff him! ..Get off me!

0:24:540:24:57

Are you all right?

0:25:030:25:05

-Four bloody hours.

-We should punch your hole in, ye bastard.

0:25:070:25:11

Tellin' lies about workin' for the polis...

0:25:110:25:14

-Protectin' the councillor.

-Sorry.

-Why did ye dae it, Pete?

0:25:140:25:19

-Shut up, ya wee dick.

-Beat it!

0:25:210:25:23

We saw you getting intae a lift wi' two heavies.

0:25:250:25:29

Aye. Well, I stood beside them so you'd think I wis wi' them.

0:25:290:25:33

You werenae wi' them?

0:25:330:25:35

You havnae got 20p for a cup of tea?

0:25:360:25:38

Naw...

0:25:430:25:44

-So that was a' shite?

-Sorry.

0:25:440:25:47

-You're reekin' of pish.

-No, that's me.

-Eh?

0:25:510:25:54

-A cop pished on my tank top.

-What?

-Never mind.

0:25:540:25:58

Why did ye tell a' thae lies, Pete?

0:25:590:26:03

I'll tell ye why. Have you any idea what it's like to be me?

0:26:030:26:06

Pete the jakie? Pete the tramp?

0:26:060:26:09

Smelly Pete? ..Eh?

0:26:090:26:12

Craiglang - it's a shitehole. And I'm the shiteiest thing in it.

0:26:120:26:17

That's how people think about me and I'm sick of it.

0:26:170:26:21

So I made up those lies - that I was important, that I was somebody.

0:26:210:26:26

Big deal. So what?

0:26:260:26:28

Noo ye know - I'm a naebody.

0:26:280:26:31

-Bollocks!

-Aye, bollocks.

-Sat in a cell for 4 hours - ma arse is numb!

0:26:330:26:38

We've just done time for you, ya arsehole! Easy, easy.

0:26:380:26:42

Calm doon. You'll get us lifted again!

0:26:420:26:45

Jack. Victor. You're being a bit harsh.

0:26:450:26:48

We are all just out the jail. Emotions are running a bit high. We're all a bit raw.

0:26:480:26:53

So he told a lie and it got a bit out of hand. We all tell lies.

0:26:530:26:57

We shouldn't be singling him out because of what he is.

0:26:570:27:01

Let's get a drink and have a laugh about it. We could dae wi' one.

0:27:010:27:04

-Aye, I'll take a half.

-A wee pint.

0:27:040:27:07

-How did a polis come tae pish oan yer tank top?

-We were fox hunting.

0:27:160:27:20

That's another thing. There wisnae any fox - I raked through your bins.

0:27:210:27:26

You dirty, smelly, useless bin-rakin' bastard - I'm going to rip yer jaw!

0:27:260:27:32

It's good tae have ye out, Brian. It's guid tae BE out.

0:27:410:27:45

So, what's been happening?

0:27:460:27:48

Oh, your business is doon the tubes, Bobby nicked yer buntin', Davie Taylor's shaggin' yer missus.

0:27:480:27:55

Back up a bit...

0:27:560:27:58

Who's got ma buntin'?

0:27:580:28:00

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2003

0:28:220:28:25

E-mail us at [email protected]

0:28:250:28:28

Hello? Yes, sir. ..No, thank YOU, sir.

0:28:300:28:34

Oh, they still think I'm a tramp.

0:28:350:28:38

Really? Where would that be, sir?

0:28:380:28:40

Eh? ..Thursday, midnight?

0:28:400:28:43

Eh, I'll need a chopper... and, eh...six cans?

0:28:430:28:48

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