Hatch Still Game

This programme contains some strong language.

ISA HUMS

-Hello, Victor.

-Isa.

Let me guess...Tuesday lunchtime.

Now ye've done yer shopping on Monday, all yer tins and whatnot...

So I'm reasoning that what's in that pot is half a tin of Heinz's tomato soup.

There ye are. Ye happy?

-Now piss aff, Mrs Poirot.

-Charmin'.

Let us in.

Is that you getting the third degree, aye?

Aye. She's always there.

-Ye cannae get past her.

-She's like a bastardin' Hare Krishna.

You should've took the lid aff and threw the soup at her.

It's no' hot enough.

It's a bona fide scalding she's needin'. Nosy cow.

Seriously, but. How many times out of ten is it that you get

-across that landing withoot her interferin' in yer bloody business?

-Oot of ten? Two.

Three maybe.

-Right, Jack. What garbage are we watching the day?

-Trisha.

That fella there, brought up by his sister,

turns oot it's the mother - and he's had a ride at her intae the bargain.

-It's a mess.

-Boy meets maw. Boy shags maw.

Boy loses maw. I love a simple tale.

It's either that or the wee fat lassie that sells you the hooses in Spain, you know?

Ooh!

What's that, Jack?

-Here, Victor, don't touch that. That's a thingummy.

-A what?

Eh, a remote control for the...the dish. The Sky thing.

When did ye get Sky?

Eh, a couple of days ago. Ma Fiona got it for me. She's paying for it.

I said no but she insisted. Ach, it's got millions of buttons on it.

Jesus, Jack. You've got aboot 150 channels and yer makin' us watch a bunch of in-bred bastards fighting?

-You'll just end up running up a bill.

-No, it disnae work that way.

Big Arthur's got this.

It's a package ye get. One payment and ye watch what ye like.

Aye, Fiona said that right enough. Ach, I'm no' bothered.

Well, get bothered wi' it, Jack.

This is the bollocks!

Menu. Aye, ye've got the lot here.

-Will ye just leave it? ..What is that?

-White Heat.

White Heat? That's no' supposed to be on the day.

It's no'. But it's on yer Sky.

Try another one.

Oh! That's The High Chaparral!

-Christ, that's no' been on for years! Leave it there.

-Naw.

Oh, Steve Irwin! The Crocodile Hunter.

Ye've got wildlife 24 hours a day!

Aye... That's smashin'.

Ya jammy bastard! I'm moving in!

What's this? UK Gold.

Oh, that's an old Trisha.

I've seen this one.

That boy there gets his cock bit aff by a Rottweiler, but the owners are refusin' to have the dug destroyed.

Jeezo. That boy there's sittin there wi' nae cock?

Dae ye want tae watch this?

Aye.

Bloody shaggin' his maw.

DOORBELL RINGS

Margaret. And Thomas.

-Come in.

-Thanks, Dad.

It's bloody freezing in here.

How have you no' got yer fire on?

Feelin' it cold, are ye?

-I'm roasting.

-Are ye?

-Naw, I'm actually freezin'.

But if I tell myself I'm roasting it's no' so bad.

Right, what's all this aboot?

What's it always aboot? Him.

-What now, ya wee arsehole?

-Nothing.

-Drinkin', parties, smoking dope.

We warned him. If he didnae wrap it, he wasnae going to Blackpool wi' us.

Seven o'clock he came in this morning.

That's it. We go in the morning and he's no' coming.

So there's a spare seat? I'll come to Blackpool wi' you.

You stay here son. Knock yersel' oot. Cheerie-bye.

Dad. We need you to look after him.

No way. You can stick that right up yer arse, Margaret.

I've done all that already that wi' you and Brian.

I'm in my twilight years.

Enjoying myself. I could dae without looking after that cheeky monkey.

Dad. It's no' just that.

Gary and I need this break. We're no' getting on.

Well, how long are ye away for?

-Just a week.

-A week?! What am I meant to do wi' him for a week?

Take him to the bloody zoo?

I want ye to keep on top of him. Keep an eye on him. Please.

-Right, fine. But I'm the boss.

-Aye.

-What I say goes.

-Of course.

Right, well, you better get away and dae yer packin'.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

You must be right chuffed wi' yersel. Daein yersel' oot a holiday.

I'm no botherin'.

Aye. Lassies, shaggin'.

Pubs. Blackpool's shite, intit?

Right, spare room's through there.

Away and dump yer stuff.

Let's lay the ground rules straight away.

This is my house and as such, the rules laid doon in my house should be obeyed at all times.

Any breach of said rules will result in a swift kick in the tadger and your mum and dad will be grassed to.

You'll find me hard but fair.

If you keep yer heid doon and yer nose clean, we'll get along just fine. But know this -

I run a tight ship.

Not a shite tip.

And you'll be expected to muck in.

You're a black sheep, Thomas. But if you play yer cards right, you could be a graceful swan.

A boot camp. That's how it's gonnae be, son.

Do you the world of good.

BURR-RRP!

Victor, c'mon! Enough's enough.

Just gimme 20 more minutes, Jack boy.

This Arctic wolf hasnae had a meal in eight weeks

and it's about to catch a rabbit.

A rabbit, eh?

-Well, hop intae yer ain hoose, cos I'm bloody knackered.

-Ah, what?

We've been watching it all day.

Enough's enough. That's plenty!

What are ye daein goin' tae yer bed at this time?

I always go tae ma bed at half ten. You're the late bedder, I like tae go tae bed early.

Makes me perky in the morning.

Aye well, fair do's.

Fair enough, Jack. You get to yer bed and I'll just guess the end of ma programme.

Aye well, I'm sorry and all that, but you know...

No, you're quite right.

I'm being a leech.

Takin' liberties.

You've got Sky an' I've no'.

I'll let mysel oot.

Aye, good.

Night!

Night!

-Get oot ma hoose, ya arsehole!

-I'm gaun, I'm gaun! Sorry.

-Shug. Isa.

-There's Shug tae see ye.

-Aye, I can see that, Isa.

And he's got his toolbag wi' him.

That's because I asked him to bring it wi' him, Isa. ..Come on in, Shug.

-Ooh, it's a bastard, intit, Isa?

-What's a bastard?

-The mystery, the toolbag.

Ooh, what is Shug doing up at Jack's wi' a toolbag?

Wooooh!

Right. What is it yer trying tae dae here?

Well, Victor's maintaining that if we run a wire fae that satellite box

-to his television, through that wall there, he'll get cable as well. Would that work?

-Aye.

-Magic!

-Aye, but you'd have to watch what Jack was watchin' because ye've only got the one signal.

And if he changed his channel, it would change yours.

Ach, right enough. That's shite.

How's it shite?

Cos that's all you watch, intit? Shite.

-Shite! All YOU watch is shite.

-I prefer ma ain shite to your shite!

Are you wantin' this bloody cable or not?

Aye, Jack, but I mean...

Picture the scene, you know?

Jaws, the last five minutes.

I'm on the edge of ma seat in ma ain hoose. Gripped.

The shark's bearing down on the chief of police. He's got one bullet left.

One last chance to kill it.

He looks down the barrel, he cocks the gun...

-Boof.

-Boof?

-What happens?

-I don't know, Jack. I'll never know.

Cos you've turned it over tae QVC!

Let me make one thing perfectly clear, Victor.

I am the principal viewer.

I have the remote. I am in control.

That thing there is at my behest.

You, however - you are the secondary viewer, of lower importance, if you will.

If you don't like that...

I don't like it. I'll tell you what, Shug - gie Jack the cable.

-Jack, roll it up and stick it up yer arse!

-Oh, behave yersels.

Yer like a pair of bloody weans!

Look, why don't I put a hatch through there?

-What fur?

-Well, that way you'll be able to talk to each other.

Rationally. Co-ordinate yer viewing.

Victor, if you want Jack to change the channels, you just have to step up to the hatch...

-and ask.

-Oooh! That sounds good.

We could buy one paper. I could pass it to ye.

Could take turns at makin' tea and sandwiches and that.

I could pass ye soup through the hatch.

I wouldnae meet Isa on the landing! We could communicate without leaving the hoose!

Shug, gies a hatch. A nice wee hatch.

-No bad, eh?

-Aye, it's a good thing.

-A smashing thing.

-Eh, dae ye think it's a bit big?

Er... Naw.

Just didnae realise the bricks were gonnae come away so easy.

Aye, it's better tae huv a door. Gies ye mair options.

Right, Lazarus. Get up, ya lazy bastard. Oot yer wankin' chariot.

-What time's it?

-6.45am.

-There's captains of industry have closed world-breakin' deals by this time in the morning.

-I'm knackered!

-Come on, another half hour.

-Listen, son. A boy your age should be up and aboot.

Not wastin' the day away. There's things to be done!

Oh, aye? What are you daeing?

Never you mind what I'm daeing the day. I'm an old man!

See this big fat beer belly?

I've earned it. I'm a pensioner.

I've got every right tae loaf aboot.

You've no'. A boy should be up, and seize the day!

Get yersel busy - get a job!

Mornin' hen. Now, see when I was your age... JESUS!

-Mornin', Jack!

-Just hoovering up.

-There's still a lot of dust coming off it.

-Aye, that'll settle.

-What time did you get tae yer bed last night?

-Och, quarter to one.

There was a good Bette Davis picture on last night.

She was a right bastard in it tae.

-Here, I was thinkin'. Ye know what we should dae?

-What's that?

We should get a pair of curtains. One on either side.

Just in case, if for any reason the council are up here, sniffing aboot.

That's a good call.

-We'll pop into Kelvin House, they've nice stuff.

-Aye, we'll dae that.

-Ooh, God.

-What's the matter wi' you?

-I've got a boil kickin' aff on ma arse.

Is it any bloody wonder, daein' 12 hour shifts in front of the television? You're sweating it, man!

-Huv ye any cream?

-Through by.

Or should I say through by?

It's the top shelf there.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Och, Isa.

-Mornin', Jack.

-What is it?

-VICTOR SINGS

Is that Victor? What's Victor daein' in your hoose at 7am?

Eh... He came across for butter. A lend o' butter.

Where is this arse cream, Jack?

-Second shelf! What is it you want?

-Eh... I...

It's your turn to mop the landing and I was just wondering if you wanted me tae dae it.

Aye, that would be smashin', that would be very good of you, Isa. Mop the landing.

-Is that it?

-Aye, that's it.

Thanking you.

-Who was that?

-Isa. Who else would it... Aah!

-Victor, what ye daein?!

-Listen, take a look at this, Jack.

It's getting bigger.

-Is it ready to pop?

-Oof!

That's like Krakatoa, that.

That could blow any minute. Oof!

That's a cracker right enough!

-It's an absolute belter.

-Gie it a squeeze.

Aye, right. Squeeze yer ain manky boil!

Oh Navid! Navid, wait till I tell ye! You're no' gonnae believe this.

Calm doon, Isa! Calm doon.

Breaths! Deep breaths!

Jesus, Navid! What ye daein'?

It's OK, Tam. I've seen this before.

It's gossip overload. In, out.

In...

Out.

-You OK now?

-Aye.

Fine noo, aye.

OK, I'm gonnae to remove the bag slowly, OK?

Jack and Victor are gay!

Get that aff ma heid, Navid! I saw it wi' ma ain eyes!

Victor stayed the night at Jack's.

-I saw him this morning in his jim-jams!

-Don't talk shite, Isa.

-How does that make them gay?

-I saw mair than that. It gets worse.

What else did you see?

Well, Victor was bent over, and Jack was standing behind him, daein' the dirty business.

-You saw that?

-Wi' ma ain eyes.

As God is my witness!

-How did you see that?

-Through the letterbox.

-Through the letterbox?

-What ye daein' looking through the letterbox?

What am I daein' looking through the letterbox?! Watchin' one old pal pumping the other!

We know I'm a nosy bastard, but try tae concentrate on the bigger picture!

Sounds pretty conclusive.

Jack and Victor.

Jesus.

-What are we gonnae dae?

-What are we gonnae dae?

It's quite simple. We lure them into the shop, bludgeon them to death,

cut off their balls and hang them from those streetlamps as a warning.

That kind of filth will no' be tolerated in Craiglang.

Is that what they dae in your country, Navid?

No, you dozy cow. We live and let live.

We certainly don't poke our bastard noses through letterboxes!

So what? Jack and Victor are gay. Big deal. Good luck to them.

Isa, normally I would just let you get on wi' yer gossiping.

But this is too big.

-How are we divvying it up?

-How do ye mean?

I want to tell the cafe, the Clansman, and the bookies.

Naw, I want the cafe, the doctors and the bingo.

-Aye, awright.

-I'll tell Meena. Meena!

Boys will be boys. He's a bit of a wild stallion is all, but he's up against the horse whisperer here.

That's right. Eh?

Right, OK. Well, I'll see ye when ye get back.

OK, bye bye.

-Grandad!

-Hello, son.

-I thought you were doon at the bookies.

I was, aye, but I hud a wee bit of a win, and I didnae want tae piss it up against the wall, so... C'mere.

-What's that?

-Eh... It's just a plant.

-What sort of plant?

It's a... A tomato plant.

What ye wanting wi' that?

It's a gift. For you.

I just wanted to apologise for this morning. Wi' Tina and that.

That's good of ye.

So where's the tomatoes?

Oh, they come later.

The plant blooms first, and then they grow.

Oh right. That's smashin', that.

I'll put that in the kitchen on the windae-sill. It'll be lovely.

Aye, apology accepted.

-Christ, you'd never think that thing could grow tomatoes. It looks just like a weed.

-Aye, a weed.

Jack, Victor.

-Bobby!

-Gettin' curtains, are ye?

No.

-We're getting' curtains.

-Aye, I can see that.

Tam was, eh, in the Clansman last night, and told us that you two were both, em...

You guys were, um... That you were...

Which is great. So, eh, what am I saying?

Aye, what are you saying, Bobby?

I'm saying that the Clansman is for everybody.

Right...

So, ye know, I just want ye both to know that when you come in,

-you'll get served.

-That's good.

You WILL be served.

And furthermore, you will be treated like human beings.

-Thanks, Bobby.

-Aye.

By the way...

I think it's great that you guys have come out.

Aye, it's good to get oot.

Ooh! It's great!

-What's great?

-Look at me, Navid!

I've always wanted to be a fag hag!

What's a fag hag?

-Is it no' one of they lassies that hang aboot...

-Isa! Mop. Floor. Noo!

What can I do for you gentlemen?

Two ounce of Drum.

Huv ye any Savlon, Navid?

-I've a right sore arse.

-That's that wee mystery solved.

-What?

-Nothing.

What in the name of Christ's goin' on here?

Thomas! Who are these wee arseholes?

-We're his mates.

-Oh!

All shiftless bastards together, eh?

-Aagh, ya bastard!

-What the hell are you daein' in ma kitchen?

Burnt ma finger, cookin' cookies in yer cooker.

-Right, get aff yer arses and sling your hook!

-Cannae go yet. The cookies are still cookin' in yer cooker.

Listen, ya wee Fanny Craddock.

I'll cook you. Get oot ma hoose!

-And get ma good titty apron aff.

-Ye probably want tae gie them another ten minutes for them to be just...

Aw, look what ye've done! All that smoke's killed ma tomato plant!

Right, here they come. Noo remember.

Try and act as normal as possible.

These guys are yer friends.

Nothing has changed.

Hey-ho!

-What are yous for?

-Two goldies, Bobby.

STEREO PLAYS "Dancing Queen" by Abba

Just setting the atmosphere.

In't that right, guys?

Well, I hope you lot are proud of yourselves. Huh?

Aye, you might well stand there and say nothin', ya wee bastard.

-Sorry.

-Sorry?

Sorry disnae even begin tae cover it!

Your ma and da are due back in two hours, and I have to say, the report card is not looking good.

At every turn and corner I've given you an inch and you've taken a mile!

Och, I had two pies in here for ma dinner. Where are they?

We ate them.

Ye ate ma dinner?!

Bloody cookies for a grown man's dinner.

-They're Davo's cookies, Granda'!

-Well, Davo's no' here, is he?

Oh they're smashing.

Wee glass of milk wi' them, that'll be lovely.

Bloody queer day.

Aye, it was.

Bloody Isa, and the Clansman.

-Oh my God.

-What?

We've been runnin' aboot wi' wur heids up wur arses.

It's as plain as the nose on your face!

Bobby's gay!

Of course, aye! The music, dancing, aye!

He's a... He's gay!

Aye, he's gay.

-Oh well, good for him, eh?

-Aye.

DOORBELL CHIMES

-Tam.

-Jack.

I'm glad you're in.

-This is Mick.

-Awright, wee man?

Hello, eh, Mick.

Sorry about that carry on earlier on in the pub. It was a bit awkward for us, you know?

Aye, aye. We just tippled there the noo.

Come in, come in.

You'll no' have met Mick.

No, we huvnae, no. Hello.

He lives up the next block.

Aye, Eagle Heights.

That's a nice clean block that, Eagle.

We brought a few tins. Thought we could all have a wee drink.

Oh! Satellite youse have got, eh?

Aye, that's right, yes.

What's that?

That's a curtain we put up.

Is that a door through to Victor's?

-It is, aye.

-That's good. So you can just go back and forward, eh?

Aye we can, aye.

Oh, Jeez, is that the time? I'll need tae go.

-Mick?

-I'm fine, Tam. I don't have to go.

OK. Well then. Cheerio.

Well...what are we daein'?

Just eh...havin' a can of beer.

No, I mean, are we through here or through there?

Here?

Is that all right?

Aye, that's fine. We'll finish these, then we'll have a wee chug?

MUSIC: "Jammin'" by Bob Marley

# Jamming... Oh, I wanna jam it with you! #

Oh here, you're back.

Did ye like that? I'm in ma jimmies -

jamming!

HE GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY

Bobby, four mair pints of lager.

Sorry about that, fellas.

I was only trying tae help.

Isa telt me yous were gay.

-Isa?

-Aye. Said she seen yous in the one hoose in your pyjamas at 7am.

That's good yin right enough.

So all of Craiglang thinks we're gay?

Aye.

Tell me, did you actually think we were gay?

Well, two guys, nae women,

same hoose.

Youse could be gay.

Aye, I suppose we could be gay, aye.

Bobby.

"Come in any time. You'll be welcome.

"You'll be made to feel like human beings."

Well, let's just see, shall we?

-Victor.

-Bobby.

-Jack.

-I think I'll go for a pee.

-Right.

D'ye know what?

I'm needin' a pee as well.

Naw, that's too much.

I'm no' putting up with that.

Live and let live,

but no' in my lavvies!

How's that for ye, sweetheart?

That's smashin', darlin'!

Oh, that's really nice. I'm enjoying that.

Right, ya couple of queerhawks!

-Yes! I win. Again.

-Ya bastard.

-Ma turn.

-It's too hard, that.

-I don't know if I'm comfortable sitting between yous two.

-Shut up.

I'm gonnae get the tea on.

Ooh! Did you bring these cookies, Winston?

Aye. Wire in.