Hatch Still Game


Hatch

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This programme contains some strong language.

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ISA HUMS

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-Hello, Victor.

-Isa.

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Let me guess...Tuesday lunchtime.

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Now ye've done yer shopping on Monday, all yer tins and whatnot...

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So I'm reasoning that what's in that pot is half a tin of Heinz's tomato soup.

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There ye are. Ye happy?

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-Now piss aff, Mrs Poirot.

-Charmin'.

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Let us in.

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Is that you getting the third degree, aye?

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Aye. She's always there.

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-Ye cannae get past her.

-She's like a bastardin' Hare Krishna.

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You should've took the lid aff and threw the soup at her.

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It's no' hot enough.

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It's a bona fide scalding she's needin'. Nosy cow.

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Seriously, but. How many times out of ten is it that you get

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-across that landing withoot her interferin' in yer bloody business?

-Oot of ten? Two.

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Three maybe.

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-Right, Jack. What garbage are we watching the day?

-Trisha.

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That fella there, brought up by his sister,

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turns oot it's the mother - and he's had a ride at her intae the bargain.

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-It's a mess.

-Boy meets maw. Boy shags maw.

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Boy loses maw. I love a simple tale.

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It's either that or the wee fat lassie that sells you the hooses in Spain, you know?

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Ooh!

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What's that, Jack?

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-Here, Victor, don't touch that. That's a thingummy.

-A what?

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Eh, a remote control for the...the dish. The Sky thing.

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When did ye get Sky?

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Eh, a couple of days ago. Ma Fiona got it for me. She's paying for it.

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I said no but she insisted. Ach, it's got millions of buttons on it.

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Jesus, Jack. You've got aboot 150 channels and yer makin' us watch a bunch of in-bred bastards fighting?

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-You'll just end up running up a bill.

-No, it disnae work that way.

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Big Arthur's got this.

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It's a package ye get. One payment and ye watch what ye like.

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Aye, Fiona said that right enough. Ach, I'm no' bothered.

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Well, get bothered wi' it, Jack.

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This is the bollocks!

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Menu. Aye, ye've got the lot here.

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-Will ye just leave it? ..What is that?

-White Heat.

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White Heat? That's no' supposed to be on the day.

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It's no'. But it's on yer Sky.

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Try another one.

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Oh! That's The High Chaparral!

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-Christ, that's no' been on for years! Leave it there.

-Naw.

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Oh, Steve Irwin! The Crocodile Hunter.

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Ye've got wildlife 24 hours a day!

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Aye... That's smashin'.

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Ya jammy bastard! I'm moving in!

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What's this? UK Gold.

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Oh, that's an old Trisha.

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I've seen this one.

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That boy there gets his cock bit aff by a Rottweiler, but the owners are refusin' to have the dug destroyed.

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Jeezo. That boy there's sittin there wi' nae cock?

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Dae ye want tae watch this?

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Aye.

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Bloody shaggin' his maw.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Margaret. And Thomas.

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-Come in.

-Thanks, Dad.

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It's bloody freezing in here.

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How have you no' got yer fire on?

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Feelin' it cold, are ye?

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-I'm roasting.

-Are ye?

-Naw, I'm actually freezin'.

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But if I tell myself I'm roasting it's no' so bad.

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Right, what's all this aboot?

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What's it always aboot? Him.

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-What now, ya wee arsehole?

-Nothing.

-Drinkin', parties, smoking dope.

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We warned him. If he didnae wrap it, he wasnae going to Blackpool wi' us.

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Seven o'clock he came in this morning.

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That's it. We go in the morning and he's no' coming.

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So there's a spare seat? I'll come to Blackpool wi' you.

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You stay here son. Knock yersel' oot. Cheerie-bye.

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Dad. We need you to look after him.

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No way. You can stick that right up yer arse, Margaret.

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I've done all that already that wi' you and Brian.

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I'm in my twilight years.

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Enjoying myself. I could dae without looking after that cheeky monkey.

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Dad. It's no' just that.

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Gary and I need this break. We're no' getting on.

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Well, how long are ye away for?

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-Just a week.

-A week?! What am I meant to do wi' him for a week?

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Take him to the bloody zoo?

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I want ye to keep on top of him. Keep an eye on him. Please.

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-Right, fine. But I'm the boss.

-Aye.

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-What I say goes.

-Of course.

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Right, well, you better get away and dae yer packin'.

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Oh, thanks, Dad.

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You must be right chuffed wi' yersel. Daein yersel' oot a holiday.

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I'm no botherin'.

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Aye. Lassies, shaggin'.

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Pubs. Blackpool's shite, intit?

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Right, spare room's through there.

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Away and dump yer stuff.

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Let's lay the ground rules straight away.

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This is my house and as such, the rules laid doon in my house should be obeyed at all times.

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Any breach of said rules will result in a swift kick in the tadger and your mum and dad will be grassed to.

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You'll find me hard but fair.

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If you keep yer heid doon and yer nose clean, we'll get along just fine. But know this -

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I run a tight ship.

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Not a shite tip.

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And you'll be expected to muck in.

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You're a black sheep, Thomas. But if you play yer cards right, you could be a graceful swan.

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A boot camp. That's how it's gonnae be, son.

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Do you the world of good.

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BURR-RRP!

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Victor, c'mon! Enough's enough.

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Just gimme 20 more minutes, Jack boy.

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This Arctic wolf hasnae had a meal in eight weeks

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and it's about to catch a rabbit.

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A rabbit, eh?

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-Well, hop intae yer ain hoose, cos I'm bloody knackered.

-Ah, what?

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We've been watching it all day.

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Enough's enough. That's plenty!

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What are ye daein goin' tae yer bed at this time?

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I always go tae ma bed at half ten. You're the late bedder, I like tae go tae bed early.

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Makes me perky in the morning.

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Aye well, fair do's.

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Fair enough, Jack. You get to yer bed and I'll just guess the end of ma programme.

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Aye well, I'm sorry and all that, but you know...

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No, you're quite right.

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I'm being a leech.

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Takin' liberties.

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You've got Sky an' I've no'.

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I'll let mysel oot.

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Aye, good.

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Night!

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Night!

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-Get oot ma hoose, ya arsehole!

-I'm gaun, I'm gaun! Sorry.

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-Shug. Isa.

-There's Shug tae see ye.

-Aye, I can see that, Isa.

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And he's got his toolbag wi' him.

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That's because I asked him to bring it wi' him, Isa. ..Come on in, Shug.

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-Ooh, it's a bastard, intit, Isa?

-What's a bastard?

-The mystery, the toolbag.

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Ooh, what is Shug doing up at Jack's wi' a toolbag?

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Wooooh!

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Right. What is it yer trying tae dae here?

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Well, Victor's maintaining that if we run a wire fae that satellite box

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-to his television, through that wall there, he'll get cable as well. Would that work?

-Aye.

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-Magic!

-Aye, but you'd have to watch what Jack was watchin' because ye've only got the one signal.

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And if he changed his channel, it would change yours.

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Ach, right enough. That's shite.

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How's it shite?

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Cos that's all you watch, intit? Shite.

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-Shite! All YOU watch is shite.

-I prefer ma ain shite to your shite!

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Are you wantin' this bloody cable or not?

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Aye, Jack, but I mean...

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Picture the scene, you know?

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Jaws, the last five minutes.

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I'm on the edge of ma seat in ma ain hoose. Gripped.

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The shark's bearing down on the chief of police. He's got one bullet left.

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One last chance to kill it.

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He looks down the barrel, he cocks the gun...

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-Boof.

-Boof?

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-What happens?

-I don't know, Jack. I'll never know.

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Cos you've turned it over tae QVC!

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Let me make one thing perfectly clear, Victor.

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I am the principal viewer.

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I have the remote. I am in control.

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That thing there is at my behest.

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You, however - you are the secondary viewer, of lower importance, if you will.

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If you don't like that...

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I don't like it. I'll tell you what, Shug - gie Jack the cable.

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-Jack, roll it up and stick it up yer arse!

-Oh, behave yersels.

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Yer like a pair of bloody weans!

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Look, why don't I put a hatch through there?

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-What fur?

-Well, that way you'll be able to talk to each other.

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Rationally. Co-ordinate yer viewing.

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Victor, if you want Jack to change the channels, you just have to step up to the hatch...

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-and ask.

-Oooh! That sounds good.

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We could buy one paper. I could pass it to ye.

0:10:210:10:24

Could take turns at makin' tea and sandwiches and that.

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I could pass ye soup through the hatch.

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I wouldnae meet Isa on the landing! We could communicate without leaving the hoose!

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Shug, gies a hatch. A nice wee hatch.

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-No bad, eh?

-Aye, it's a good thing.

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-A smashing thing.

-Eh, dae ye think it's a bit big?

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Er... Naw.

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Just didnae realise the bricks were gonnae come away so easy.

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Aye, it's better tae huv a door. Gies ye mair options.

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Right, Lazarus. Get up, ya lazy bastard. Oot yer wankin' chariot.

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-What time's it?

-6.45am.

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-There's captains of industry have closed world-breakin' deals by this time in the morning.

-I'm knackered!

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-Come on, another half hour.

-Listen, son. A boy your age should be up and aboot.

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Not wastin' the day away. There's things to be done!

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Oh, aye? What are you daeing?

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Never you mind what I'm daeing the day. I'm an old man!

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See this big fat beer belly?

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I've earned it. I'm a pensioner.

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I've got every right tae loaf aboot.

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You've no'. A boy should be up, and seize the day!

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Get yersel busy - get a job!

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Mornin' hen. Now, see when I was your age... JESUS!

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-Mornin', Jack!

-Just hoovering up.

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-There's still a lot of dust coming off it.

-Aye, that'll settle.

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-What time did you get tae yer bed last night?

-Och, quarter to one.

0:12:020:12:07

There was a good Bette Davis picture on last night.

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She was a right bastard in it tae.

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-Here, I was thinkin'. Ye know what we should dae?

-What's that?

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We should get a pair of curtains. One on either side.

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Just in case, if for any reason the council are up here, sniffing aboot.

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That's a good call.

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-We'll pop into Kelvin House, they've nice stuff.

-Aye, we'll dae that.

0:12:240:12:29

-Ooh, God.

-What's the matter wi' you?

-I've got a boil kickin' aff on ma arse.

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Is it any bloody wonder, daein' 12 hour shifts in front of the television? You're sweating it, man!

0:12:340:12:38

-Huv ye any cream?

-Through by.

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Or should I say through by?

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It's the top shelf there.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Och, Isa.

-Mornin', Jack.

-What is it?

-VICTOR SINGS

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Is that Victor? What's Victor daein' in your hoose at 7am?

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Eh... He came across for butter. A lend o' butter.

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Where is this arse cream, Jack?

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-Second shelf! What is it you want?

-Eh... I...

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It's your turn to mop the landing and I was just wondering if you wanted me tae dae it.

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Aye, that would be smashin', that would be very good of you, Isa. Mop the landing.

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-Is that it?

-Aye, that's it.

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Thanking you.

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-Who was that?

-Isa. Who else would it... Aah!

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-Victor, what ye daein?!

-Listen, take a look at this, Jack.

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It's getting bigger.

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-Is it ready to pop?

-Oof!

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That's like Krakatoa, that.

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That could blow any minute. Oof!

0:13:460:13:49

That's a cracker right enough!

0:13:490:13:51

-It's an absolute belter.

-Gie it a squeeze.

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Aye, right. Squeeze yer ain manky boil!

0:13:590:14:02

Oh Navid! Navid, wait till I tell ye! You're no' gonnae believe this.

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Calm doon, Isa! Calm doon.

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Breaths! Deep breaths!

0:14:160:14:18

Jesus, Navid! What ye daein'?

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It's OK, Tam. I've seen this before.

0:14:210:14:22

It's gossip overload. In, out.

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In...

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Out.

0:14:270:14:29

-You OK now?

-Aye.

0:14:290:14:32

Fine noo, aye.

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OK, I'm gonnae to remove the bag slowly, OK?

0:14:350:14:37

Jack and Victor are gay!

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Get that aff ma heid, Navid! I saw it wi' ma ain eyes!

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Victor stayed the night at Jack's.

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-I saw him this morning in his jim-jams!

-Don't talk shite, Isa.

0:14:540:14:58

-How does that make them gay?

-I saw mair than that. It gets worse.

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What else did you see?

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Well, Victor was bent over, and Jack was standing behind him, daein' the dirty business.

0:15:030:15:09

-You saw that?

-Wi' ma ain eyes.

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As God is my witness!

0:15:110:15:14

-How did you see that?

-Through the letterbox.

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-Through the letterbox?

-What ye daein' looking through the letterbox?

0:15:160:15:19

What am I daein' looking through the letterbox?! Watchin' one old pal pumping the other!

0:15:190:15:24

We know I'm a nosy bastard, but try tae concentrate on the bigger picture!

0:15:240:15:29

Sounds pretty conclusive.

0:15:290:15:31

Jack and Victor.

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Jesus.

0:15:330:15:35

-What are we gonnae dae?

-What are we gonnae dae?

0:15:350:15:37

It's quite simple. We lure them into the shop, bludgeon them to death,

0:15:370:15:41

cut off their balls and hang them from those streetlamps as a warning.

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That kind of filth will no' be tolerated in Craiglang.

0:15:450:15:48

Is that what they dae in your country, Navid?

0:15:480:15:50

No, you dozy cow. We live and let live.

0:15:500:15:52

We certainly don't poke our bastard noses through letterboxes!

0:15:520:15:56

So what? Jack and Victor are gay. Big deal. Good luck to them.

0:15:560:16:00

Isa, normally I would just let you get on wi' yer gossiping.

0:16:000:16:04

But this is too big.

0:16:040:16:06

-How are we divvying it up?

-How do ye mean?

0:16:060:16:10

I want to tell the cafe, the Clansman, and the bookies.

0:16:100:16:13

Naw, I want the cafe, the doctors and the bingo.

0:16:130:16:16

-Aye, awright.

-I'll tell Meena. Meena!

0:16:170:16:21

Boys will be boys. He's a bit of a wild stallion is all, but he's up against the horse whisperer here.

0:16:260:16:31

That's right. Eh?

0:16:330:16:35

Right, OK. Well, I'll see ye when ye get back.

0:16:350:16:38

OK, bye bye.

0:16:380:16:40

-Grandad!

-Hello, son.

-I thought you were doon at the bookies.

0:16:410:16:45

I was, aye, but I hud a wee bit of a win, and I didnae want tae piss it up against the wall, so... C'mere.

0:16:450:16:51

-What's that?

-Eh... It's just a plant.

-What sort of plant?

0:16:520:16:56

It's a... A tomato plant.

0:16:560:16:58

What ye wanting wi' that?

0:16:580:17:00

It's a gift. For you.

0:17:000:17:02

I just wanted to apologise for this morning. Wi' Tina and that.

0:17:020:17:05

That's good of ye.

0:17:050:17:08

So where's the tomatoes?

0:17:080:17:09

Oh, they come later.

0:17:090:17:11

The plant blooms first, and then they grow.

0:17:110:17:14

Oh right. That's smashin', that.

0:17:140:17:16

I'll put that in the kitchen on the windae-sill. It'll be lovely.

0:17:160:17:19

Aye, apology accepted.

0:17:190:17:21

-Christ, you'd never think that thing could grow tomatoes. It looks just like a weed.

-Aye, a weed.

0:17:210:17:27

Jack, Victor.

0:17:490:17:50

-Bobby!

-Gettin' curtains, are ye?

0:17:500:17:53

No.

0:17:530:17:54

-We're getting' curtains.

-Aye, I can see that.

0:17:540:17:57

Tam was, eh, in the Clansman last night, and told us that you two were both, em...

0:17:590:18:05

You guys were, um... That you were...

0:18:050:18:07

Which is great. So, eh, what am I saying?

0:18:090:18:14

Aye, what are you saying, Bobby?

0:18:140:18:16

I'm saying that the Clansman is for everybody.

0:18:160:18:20

Right...

0:18:200:18:22

So, ye know, I just want ye both to know that when you come in,

0:18:220:18:27

-you'll get served.

-That's good.

0:18:270:18:30

You WILL be served.

0:18:300:18:32

And furthermore, you will be treated like human beings.

0:18:320:18:38

-Thanks, Bobby.

-Aye.

0:18:380:18:41

By the way...

0:18:440:18:46

I think it's great that you guys have come out.

0:18:460:18:48

Aye, it's good to get oot.

0:18:480:18:51

Ooh! It's great!

0:19:030:19:05

-What's great?

-Look at me, Navid!

0:19:050:19:08

I've always wanted to be a fag hag!

0:19:080:19:11

What's a fag hag?

0:19:110:19:13

-Is it no' one of they lassies that hang aboot...

-Isa! Mop. Floor. Noo!

0:19:130:19:16

What can I do for you gentlemen?

0:19:190:19:21

Two ounce of Drum.

0:19:210:19:23

Huv ye any Savlon, Navid?

0:19:340:19:36

-I've a right sore arse.

-That's that wee mystery solved.

-What?

-Nothing.

0:19:360:19:40

What in the name of Christ's goin' on here?

0:19:460:19:49

Thomas! Who are these wee arseholes?

0:19:490:19:51

-We're his mates.

-Oh!

0:19:510:19:53

All shiftless bastards together, eh?

0:19:530:19:56

-Aagh, ya bastard!

-What the hell are you daein' in ma kitchen?

0:19:560:20:00

Burnt ma finger, cookin' cookies in yer cooker.

0:20:000:20:04

-Right, get aff yer arses and sling your hook!

-Cannae go yet. The cookies are still cookin' in yer cooker.

0:20:040:20:09

Listen, ya wee Fanny Craddock.

0:20:090:20:11

I'll cook you. Get oot ma hoose!

0:20:110:20:14

-And get ma good titty apron aff.

-Ye probably want tae gie them another ten minutes for them to be just...

0:20:140:20:19

Aw, look what ye've done! All that smoke's killed ma tomato plant!

0:20:190:20:24

Right, here they come. Noo remember.

0:20:250:20:28

Try and act as normal as possible.

0:20:280:20:31

These guys are yer friends.

0:20:310:20:33

Nothing has changed.

0:20:330:20:36

Hey-ho!

0:20:440:20:45

-What are yous for?

-Two goldies, Bobby.

0:20:560:21:00

STEREO PLAYS "Dancing Queen" by Abba

0:21:030:21:06

Just setting the atmosphere.

0:21:120:21:15

In't that right, guys?

0:21:210:21:23

Well, I hope you lot are proud of yourselves. Huh?

0:21:460:21:50

Aye, you might well stand there and say nothin', ya wee bastard.

0:22:010:22:04

-Sorry.

-Sorry?

0:22:040:22:06

Sorry disnae even begin tae cover it!

0:22:060:22:09

Your ma and da are due back in two hours, and I have to say, the report card is not looking good.

0:22:090:22:14

At every turn and corner I've given you an inch and you've taken a mile!

0:22:140:22:19

Och, I had two pies in here for ma dinner. Where are they?

0:22:230:22:26

We ate them.

0:22:260:22:28

Ye ate ma dinner?!

0:22:280:22:30

Bloody cookies for a grown man's dinner.

0:22:340:22:36

-They're Davo's cookies, Granda'!

-Well, Davo's no' here, is he?

0:22:360:22:40

Oh they're smashing.

0:22:430:22:45

Wee glass of milk wi' them, that'll be lovely.

0:22:450:22:48

Bloody queer day.

0:22:540:22:55

Aye, it was.

0:22:570:22:59

Bloody Isa, and the Clansman.

0:23:010:23:04

-Oh my God.

-What?

0:23:060:23:09

We've been runnin' aboot wi' wur heids up wur arses.

0:23:090:23:12

It's as plain as the nose on your face!

0:23:120:23:15

Bobby's gay!

0:23:150:23:16

Of course, aye! The music, dancing, aye!

0:23:190:23:22

He's a... He's gay!

0:23:220:23:24

Aye, he's gay.

0:23:240:23:26

-Oh well, good for him, eh?

-Aye.

0:23:260:23:29

DOORBELL CHIMES

0:23:290:23:32

-Tam.

-Jack.

0:23:410:23:43

I'm glad you're in.

0:23:430:23:45

-This is Mick.

-Awright, wee man?

0:23:450:23:47

Hello, eh, Mick.

0:23:470:23:49

Sorry about that carry on earlier on in the pub. It was a bit awkward for us, you know?

0:23:490:23:54

Aye, aye. We just tippled there the noo.

0:23:540:23:56

Come in, come in.

0:23:560:23:58

You'll no' have met Mick.

0:24:040:24:07

No, we huvnae, no. Hello.

0:24:070:24:10

He lives up the next block.

0:24:100:24:12

Aye, Eagle Heights.

0:24:120:24:14

That's a nice clean block that, Eagle.

0:24:140:24:17

We brought a few tins. Thought we could all have a wee drink.

0:24:170:24:20

Oh! Satellite youse have got, eh?

0:24:220:24:24

Aye, that's right, yes.

0:24:240:24:26

What's that?

0:24:260:24:28

That's a curtain we put up.

0:24:280:24:30

Is that a door through to Victor's?

0:24:320:24:34

-It is, aye.

-That's good. So you can just go back and forward, eh?

0:24:340:24:38

Aye we can, aye.

0:24:380:24:42

Oh, Jeez, is that the time? I'll need tae go.

0:24:420:24:45

-Mick?

-I'm fine, Tam. I don't have to go.

0:24:450:24:48

OK. Well then. Cheerio.

0:24:480:24:53

Well...what are we daein'?

0:25:130:25:15

Just eh...havin' a can of beer.

0:25:150:25:19

No, I mean, are we through here or through there?

0:25:190:25:21

Here?

0:25:230:25:25

Is that all right?

0:25:250:25:27

Aye, that's fine. We'll finish these, then we'll have a wee chug?

0:25:270:25:31

MUSIC: "Jammin'" by Bob Marley

0:25:340:25:38

# Jamming... Oh, I wanna jam it with you! #

0:25:400:25:43

Oh here, you're back.

0:25:430:25:45

Did ye like that? I'm in ma jimmies -

0:25:450:25:47

jamming!

0:25:470:25:48

HE GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY

0:25:520:25:54

Bobby, four mair pints of lager.

0:25:560:25:59

Sorry about that, fellas.

0:25:590:26:01

I was only trying tae help.

0:26:010:26:03

Isa telt me yous were gay.

0:26:030:26:06

-Isa?

-Aye. Said she seen yous in the one hoose in your pyjamas at 7am.

0:26:060:26:11

That's good yin right enough.

0:26:110:26:13

So all of Craiglang thinks we're gay?

0:26:130:26:15

Aye.

0:26:150:26:17

Tell me, did you actually think we were gay?

0:26:170:26:20

Well, two guys, nae women,

0:26:200:26:25

same hoose.

0:26:250:26:27

Youse could be gay.

0:26:270:26:29

Aye, I suppose we could be gay, aye.

0:26:290:26:32

Bobby.

0:26:350:26:37

"Come in any time. You'll be welcome.

0:26:370:26:40

"You'll be made to feel like human beings."

0:26:400:26:43

Well, let's just see, shall we?

0:26:460:26:49

-Victor.

-Bobby.

-Jack.

0:26:550:26:57

-I think I'll go for a pee.

-Right.

0:27:000:27:05

D'ye know what?

0:27:130:27:15

I'm needin' a pee as well.

0:27:150:27:16

Naw, that's too much.

0:27:230:27:26

I'm no' putting up with that.

0:27:260:27:28

Live and let live,

0:27:280:27:30

but no' in my lavvies!

0:27:300:27:32

How's that for ye, sweetheart?

0:27:420:27:44

That's smashin', darlin'!

0:27:440:27:46

Oh, that's really nice. I'm enjoying that.

0:27:460:27:49

Right, ya couple of queerhawks!

0:27:490:27:51

-Yes! I win. Again.

-Ya bastard.

0:28:260:28:29

-Ma turn.

-It's too hard, that.

0:28:290:28:31

-I don't know if I'm comfortable sitting between yous two.

-Shut up.

0:28:310:28:36

I'm gonnae get the tea on.

0:28:360:28:37

Ooh! Did you bring these cookies, Winston?

0:28:400:28:44

Aye. Wire in.

0:28:440:28:45

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