Hot Seat Still Game

'I enjoy my ain company.

This programme contains adult humour

VOICE ON TV: 'So for Glasgow and the surrounding areas, get set for another scorcher.

'Temperatures set to soar into the 80s and no let-up as we head towards the weekend

'when there is a distinct likelihood of temperatures reaching 90, which London enjoyed yesterday...'

Shut up.

FRONT DOOR OPENS

What's the matter wi' you? You're walking as if you've shit yersel'.

I'm taking my time, Jack. Pacing myself.

No sudden movements.

How's that?

Well, according to this,

we are in the midst of one of the most dangerous times for pensioners.

"This heat wave could claim more lives than the sub-zero snap in January."

It's a bastard, intit? What's that?

People always says all pensioners do is complain about the weather

but the truth is unless it's 55 degrees Fahrenheit on the button,

the chances are you'll freeze to death or fry to buggery.

Aye, well, no me... It's lethal oot there.

Dropping like flies, they are.

Jesus, Jack. Steeping your feet?

In this weather?

Ah!

What are we doing the day? It's no a question of what we're doing.

It's aboot what we're avoiding doing.

Aye.

Nae running aboot, nae hauling, no lifting, no cleaning, nae exertion.

Just a normal day, then? Pretty much, aye.

Did you hear about Andy Carslaw? The bastard with the bastard dug?

The very same.

The one that bit Winston's shoe. Aye, what?

Andy rolled up to the bookies yesterday in his car,

left the dug in the back for two hours, never rolled the windae doon.

When he came back oot, the dug was cooked through!

Hot dog!

I've aye hated that bastard. Aye.

You want a cold drink? Bring it on, Jack.

Mmn. Tempting.

I was thinking mair along the lines of lager.

Aye. Good call.

A hop, a skip and a jump to the Clansman.

Oh, sweet, sweet fan!

Work your magic.

Come on, Navid. Gie's a shot. That's been a full five minutes.

Has it, buggery!

Here, you. I'm sorry, Here You's not here today.

Can I help? I'm no payin' for them mini eggs.

Sell-by is good.

Aye, but they're hot. Oh, Jesus. Hot mini eggs.

You're off your nut. It's a hot day.

You don't complain in December about your mini eggs being too cold!

Aye, well, I'm not gaein ma wean hot mini eggs. It's your lucky day.

It's too warm to argue with you.

There you go. Do you know what you should do?

Tell me. Do what they do in Kohli's.

Put all your chocolate in a cooler cabinet. That's a great idea.

We could put your methadone in there as well.

Keep it nice and chilled for the next time you're rattling.

Get out, you junkie bastard! Arsehole.

Whatever!

The summer's finally here, Navid.

Eh? You know, when the polis are in their summer uniform.

They look that smart and well turned-oot. Aye.

Post. Oh, aye, the summer uniform of the postie.

So smart and well turned-out.

Oh, Isa. You've to sign for this.

Oh, aye. What's this?

Bill, bill, bill, bill, bill...

Well. That's that, then. What?

Harry's deid.

Put yer back intae it.

I'm bloody meltin'.

Arthur. ..Eric.

There's Jack and Victor here, Bobby.

Two lager. Right!

What are we doing out here?

Cannae sit in the Clansman. It's like an oven. What?

We were hopin for a bit of respite. It's bloody roastin' oot here.

Jack, Victor...

I meant to tell you, I met Isa in Navid's. That's Harry deid.

Oh.

How is she? Not the slightest bit bothered.

Ach, she's well rid.

Aye. I don't mean to speak ill of the dead

but he was a prick. That's bloody terrible, that.

He WAS a prick.

He gave her the life of a bloody dog. Aye.

He'd been away for ages.

They were divorced for years, anyhow. He'd only turn up and tap her money. Good luck to her.

Two lager.

Jesus, shirt aff, noo?

It's Tarzan!

Put it away, Boabby, you're like a deid body.

Thanks, Winston. Anybody else?

Aye, I'll have a pop.

You're like an albino on hunger strike.

You're like Michael Jackson's cock.

Jesus, Boabby, that's bloody roasting!

Aye. The cooler's no working. It's packed in.

God almighty. That's bad that. Them weans messin' aboot wi' the hydrant.

They're trying to get the lid off of that. Shut up.

They're just weans. They're just playin', they've nowhere to go, nuthin' tae dae.

It's dangerous, that. And it's no just that. The fire brigade'll be along in five minutes.

You can be charged with that. Misappropriating a public service.

They're up here trying to turn that aff while some hoose is burnin in another part of the city.

For God's sake! I'm no puttin' up wi' that.

I used to be in the Fire Brigade. I'm gonnie say something.

Eric, sit doon.

This is murder.

The city's nae place to be in this heat.

You know what we should do the morra?

Go to the park. Get a nice wee carry-oot. Aye.

Six ice cold tinnies in a poly bag!

Ach, the park's aye mobbed. No, no, no, no, no.

Not if you go down early enough. Get a nice wee spot. Spend the day.

Here, look at Eric!

What is it, Navid? What is what? I can feel you watching me.

What is it? I told you to go home and you're still here mopping.

I don't need to go hame. I'm fine.

I used to have an uncle. Ashir. I loved him dearly.

I used to spend summers at his house.

His wife died in the flood of '62.

And you know, it didn't seem to affect him at all.

He was still funny, telling stories.

Crazy. Just his usual self.

Then one day, it must have been six months later,

I kicked a jug of water over at his house.

He went ape-shit with the grief.

Wept for two solid days.

Inconsolable.

What happened to him?

Once he had let the grief out, he was much better.

He released it.

A couple of years after that, he died.

He was in the field and got bit by a snake.

You have to let it out, Isa.

Don't bottle it up. Come here.

Let it go, Isa. The grief.

Come on. Come on.

I know you are trying to be brave, Isa. But the existence of a person

is like a serpent.

It has a head and a tail,

just like the serpent that took my poor Uncle Ash away from me.

Ahhhh!

I miss you so much, Ash!

Why did you have to go?

Why? Why?

No much of a spot, this, eh?

Nah, but it'll have to do.

Location, location, location.

Is this the best spot you can find? Have you found a better one?

No. We've been marching about for half an hour. There's a fat bastard there with a whole bench to himself.

Winston went for the sympathy vote and flashed his dummy leg. Got heehaw.

We were doon here at 10am.

You couldnae see the grass for arses.

10's too late. Aye.

That's the prime spot up there.

It's got the view, it's got shade.

Right next to the snack bar, an' all.

That's where you want to be.

Well, come on, we'll got up there, then. We'll just mill about until somebody leaves.

Do you no think we've thought aboot that?

Well, it reeks of piss and garbage but at least it's quiet.

MOTOR STARTS

The strange thing is, Harry's been gone a long time.

Even though we were never going to get back together,

I still felt...

Och, you know... Attached?

Aye. But not now.

I feel as if I'm... I don't know.

Free. It's actually a good feeling.

I know what you mean.

That's you completely single now.

Aye, that's it, Sheila. Completely single. Christ, at my age!

This is a great age to be single.

There's dances, outings... But I do all that anyway.

Aye, but you'll be doing it with a different frame of mind now.

Oh, away, you! Oh, no.

I couldnae see myself... No.

Betty Melville - what age is she?

I don't know. She's 88.

Where is she now, do you imagine?

She's no deid, is she? Far from it.

She's in Santa Ponsa having a lovely time with a fella she met at the Parkmill swimming baths.

Oh! Her man died when she was 50-odd.

30 years she spent saying, "No for me.

"That's all past me."

Huh! Eighty-bloody-eight!

88?

And is she still, eh...

you know, sex? No!

Just companionship. It's nice that, ye know?

Aye, that would be nice.

There's a lot to be said for having a man on your arm.

It can happen to you at any age.

You just need to, eh...

dust off your radar.

What radar? YOUR radar.

Oh, my!

I've no had ma breakfast. I cannae operate without ma breakfast.

Makes me grouchy. What time is it?

Five past eight.

What time do you call this, ye arsehole?

You've got us stannin' here like a couple of wankers! Jack!

Excuse my friend, he's no had his rice crispies yet.

You get the bench. I'll try to organise a couple of rolls and sausage.

Focus, Jack. Come here.

We'll worry aboot food later.

The zombies are gatherin' behind us.

There no comin' here to feed ducks.

They're in for that bench. C'mon. hurry up.

Easy, there.

Look at this yin! I think you've dropped your wallet there, sir.

Bastards!

Lousy bastards! How have you done that?

We just went into the shop, gave the man ?2 and he gave us two rolls and sausage.

No the rolls! The seat! Oh, the seat.

Just got here early, ye see.

Wait a minute. The parkie took the padlock off that gate when he let us in.

That gate? Oh, what is it we call that gate, Tam?

Losers' Gate. Aye, it's generally just for dafties, that gate.

Face it, boys. You haven't really thought this through.

Shut up, there's nothing to think through. You must have come in the Galloway Street gate.

He must open that one first.

Does he? Shut up. It's no rocket science.

See the morra? We'll be sitting on that bench.

You'll no be at any bench today if you stan' there like a couple of whingeing women bumpin' your gums.

Oh!

Get off!

Right. Galloway Street.

First thing tomorrow morning.

Aye, first thing.

So I was thinking aboot what you said in the cafe the other day, Sheila.

Right enough, I'm no that old that I wouldnae enjoy a bit of company.

That's what you miss, intit?

A nice gab, somebody to talk to, somebody to have a laugh wi'.

Somebody that's on your ain wavelength, know what I mean?

Aye. A good listener, Sheila.

Harry was never one for listening.

I like to gab. You know I'm gabby.

Aye, Isa.

That's the thing.

A lot of men at the beginning like to do the talking.

It's no every fella that appreciates that gabbyness.

I'm no sayin'...

No, no. I hear what you're saying.

That would maybe scare a fella off, that, you know? Aye.

And if you don't mind me sayin', hen.

The cardigan. It's no really summery, is it?

Oh, right enough, aye. I never really...

gie it a thought when I put it on this morning.

Here comes Billy Young. He's nice. C'mon, we'll talk to him.

Wait a minute, Sheila... Sssh.

Hello, Billy. Enjoying the weather?

It's too hot, Sheila.

Who's this? This is ma pal, Isa. Hello, Isa.

Isa lives in Craiglang.

Craiglang, aye. I used to love Craiglang.

Of course it's changed a lot now, hasn't it?

What was the name of that pub? I used to go in there often.

The Clachan, was that it?

No. No the Clachan.

Was it like the Clachan?

Clansman?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm going along to the Pavilion, sit and get a nice cold drink.

That sounds nice, Isa.

Do you want to take a walk down, Sheila? Um...

Aye. That would be lovely.

Is that all right, Isa?

That's a sin. Is yer pal no right?

What time is it?

Twenty-five to eight.

This is strange. How?

Well, if this is the gate that Tam and Winston have been using, where are they?

Aye, right enough. Maybe they're no coming today. What else would they be daein?

Is that other gate opened yet?

Nup. No yet. So this is the first gate you've opened? Aye, how?

Nae reason. Oot the way.

Well, they couldnae accuse us of no being organised.

Big flask of tea, sandwiches, radio. And a couple of big macaroon bars for three o'clock.

Aye, you're well sorted.

All you're needin now is the number one bench!

You one-legged fat bastard!

How in God's name did you...?

Look, Jack, quick!

Too late!

Don't start wi' the stick or I'll take it aff ye and jam it up your arse!

This is all right. Aye, this'll do us.

Could be daein with a wee bit mair shade, but.

Aye, well, we're here to soak up the rays.

"Number one bench"! Lot of garbage.

Aye, it's a lot of garbage.

A bench is a bench is a bench.

You said it, boy.

I need tae sit doon.

It'll no be long noo.

I've been standing for 20 minutes. I don't feel well noo.

It's just cos you're thirsty. We'll get you a drink in a wee minute.

Nuh, I need tae sit doon.

I can feel the sweat runnin' doon the crack of my arse.

Wait a minute, Charlie, the queue's movin.

Shut up. I'm sittin doon.

Right, you two - budge.

Wait a minute, there's really only room for, eh...

Right.

Another cracking day, boys.

It was indeed, Eric. Where were you?

I had a good yin. I put the tranny on,

filled the bath up with cold water and lay on ma back all day.

Magic!

Sounds nice. You gotta keep cool in this weather like this.

That's the beauty of that spot we've got.

Best of both worlds.

Mr Sun comes up over there, and then sets way over there.

Got it all day. But you're under a tree, you see, and that lets in just enough sunlight.

And when you're getting just that wee bit too hot, a lovely breeze comes along and cools ye right doon.

Honestly, Eric. It's nature's wee miracle.

That's the only seat that gets it, too.

Everybody else is, well...

burning, aren't they?

That right, boys?

That's right. Aye.

MUSIC PLAYS Are ye no dancing, Isa?

No, away youse go.

All right, then.

Are you picking that up on your radar?

I certainly am.

I've walked all the way round the park. Apart from the front gate and the Galloway gate,

this is it, there's no even a hole in the fence.

This MUST be it, then.

VEHICLE ENGINE

HORN TOOTS

Can I help you? Just comin' in, son.

No in here, you're no. Employees only.

This is the service gate.

How the bloody hell are they getting in?

They must have a tunnel.

Thanks again, Craig.

Oh, Jesus! Yes?

Money back. What the hell is it now?

You're haunting me, woman! I did what you asked!

I put all the chocolates in the fridge, just like you said.

HE OPENS TILL AND REMOVES MONEY

That's me, Navid.

You never told me.

How did you get on at the dancing? Did you meet the man of your dreams?

No. I'm just no cut out for it, Navid.

Sheila and Elsie didnae seem to have a problem, though.

Is that who you went with? Aye.

There's your problem. I'm no wi you. It's all about perception.

They're bubbly, gregarious, attractive women.

You are like a novice. You have to stack the odds in your favour.

How do you mean? It's who's WITH you that's the problem.

You need to get an ugly pal.

A hound. Then next to her, you'll look like Cameron Diaz.

Oh, no! What a horrible way to go about things!

To do that to another person!

That's just like using somebody!

Oh, no. No, no.

Thanks, son.

As I live and breathe, John MacLaughlin!

The very same! How are you, Edith, darlin'?

I cannae remember the last time I saw you!

I can, and neither of us had any drawers on!

Thanks, Isa.

Aye. Magic!

I'll, eh... I'll...

This is magic, intit?

Aye. I love sticking it to thae two old bastards.

D'you think they've gied up yet? Oh, aye.

There's your pals there!

Jesus, that's them. Hurry up!

Come on!

What now? Jump ower. Who do you think I am, bloody Steve Austin?!

We havnae thought this through. Go further up and I'll lower ye doon.

YOU come up the ladder and I'LL come doon! Will you go further up till I lower you doon?!

Right, Jack, easy now.

Easy now, that's you...

That's you...

That's you. Easy... Easy!

Oh! Ah!

Ah! Jack?!

Hurry up, ya silly bastard! We're runnin oot of time!

Right, get off my back!

Oooh!

SNAP!

Ooh! You All right?

HE GASPS: Fine, throw the bag! Throw the bag.

Right, aye.

Ooh! Victor...go and get the seat!

Go and get the seat!

..Oh, oh!

Oh! Victor!

'Face it, Isa, You're never gonnie meet anybody.

'You don't need to meet anybody.

'I enjoy my ain company.

'Trying to meet a fella at my age!

'It's undignified.'

Huh! The only time you get a seat in this bloody park, when they're shutting it!

Get a wee read of ma paper then get up the road for ma dinner.

Are you local? Just over there in they flats.

Oh, aye. Aye, they flats are nice.

I'm Isa.

Hello.

I love the park.

So beautiful.

You appreciate a thing like a park at oor age, don't you?

I'm gonnie take a walk round the Pavillion Palace.

You want to come wi' me?

That'd be smashin'.

Just let me finish up here...

Oh, you dirty, filthy bastard, you!

Oh! Oh!

Jesus!

What time is it?

6:45am.

We done it, Jack, we beat them!

Oh, boy!

That is beautiful.

Oh, the number one bench, eh? This'll do us,

this is where we belong.

Okey-dokey.

Can I offer you some breakfast, sir?

Avec pleasure. There you are.

Is that clouds? Eh?

Do you want to leave?

Not...on your...nelly!

THEY BOTH SHIVER

So after Harry died, I thought,

"What's holdin me back? Why couldn't I meet somebody else?

"Why shouldn't I meet somebody else?"

Quite right. What age are you?

Here, you...! Well, I don't mind telling you, I'm no spring chicken, I'm not long off retiring.

But I see you're wearing a wedding ring. All the good ones are taken.

I'm sure you'll meet somebody nice.

Anyhow, shall we...?

Aye...

Which one do you think it is?

Number four.

Dirty pig!