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Honestly, Tam. See, if you fell in the Clyde, you'd come out with a salmon in yer mooth. | 0:00:00 | 0:00:01 | |
I'm gonna look oot ma good suit! | 0:00:01 | 0:00:01 | |
BABIES CRY IN BACKGROUND | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
Never thought I'd find masel' in a bloody baby store. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
I know. It's like a supermarket, they've got everything - | 0:00:41 | 0:00:45 | |
toys, prams, sterilisers. It's mental. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
That's Tam doon a financial hole, noo. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
New mums, they want all this stuff. It geez em peace of mind. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Everything's gotta be perfect, you know? | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
What aboot this? | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
No, we'll get him something to wear. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
What about this? | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
He's a week old, for God's sake. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
He'll grow intae it! | 0:01:06 | 0:01:07 | |
Aye, in aboot twelve bloody year! Oh, we'll get him a wee sleepsuit. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:12 | |
There's yer change. So, which one of youse is the new grandfather? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Nah, it's our pal that's had a baby. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
Yer pal? Aye. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:18 | |
He's 70. It was in the paper. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
Oh, I read about that. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
They'll have there work cut out for them there, eh? Not half. Cheery-bye. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Cheery-bye! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Here, Jack, look at this... | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
125 pound! | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
It's a clown! It is a clown! | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
It's obvious it's a clown! You're a clown! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Have you seen the price of cots? | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
I cannae tell youse how much I've forked out on baby stuff this week. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
I've got to make savings somewhere! | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Has Frances seen this? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Not yet, no. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
There's splinters sticking oot and everything, Tam. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
Aye, and what the hell's this? | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
Bend that back in. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
Frances is gonna take one look at that and order you to smash it up. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
How will she? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
My father built my cot. It's a tradition. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
Your father was a joiner! Ah, shut up! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
Here, here's an idea. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
Why don't you get a bit of string, wrap all this shite up | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
and make a mobile for the wee baby? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
TELEPHONE RINGS | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Tam Mullen, 0200... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Uh-huh. Yes. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Oh, that sounds nice. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
And who would be paying for that? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
Business class? Of course, business class, aye. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
A room? No, no, no, no, no. You see we'd need a suite because we'd be taking the baby with us. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:53 | |
Right, then. Speak to you in the morning. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
What's my best side, boys? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
That side or that side? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:03 | |
What you talking aboot? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:04 | |
I'm gonnae be on Lorraine Kelly. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
What does Lorraine Kelly want with the likes of you? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Because Frances is Britain's oldest mother. It's news! | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
They're going to take us down and put us up in a fancy hotel. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
Honestly, Tam. See, if you fell in the Clyde, you'd come out with a salmon in yer mooth. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
I'm gonna look oot ma good suit! | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
FABRIC TEARS | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
VICTOR AND JACK LAUGH | 0:03:29 | 0:03:30 | |
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND | 0:03:34 | 0:03:39 | |
Lorraine Kelly! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
I tell you this, Jack, Tam may be down there rubbing shoulders with the famous, | 0:03:43 | 0:03:48 | |
but he cannot do what we're doin'. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Do what? We're no' doin' anything. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Exactly. Tam's no gonnae have any time to just dae nothing. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
Sit, relax with a book and a can, feet up. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
No, no' with a newborn. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:02 | |
See, what Tam's done is he's took the natural order and he's snapped it. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
The way it's supposed to work is you're born, you grow up, | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
you get a wife, then you have weans, then you work your tits aff bringing them up. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
Then they leave, then you get to sit on yer arse. Smashin'. Aye. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:19 | |
Tam's got it all upside doon. I mean, what age is he, 70? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
New wean, by Christ? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:24 | |
I mean, what's he gonna dae, right, when that boy's 16, and full of himsel' and givin' it, | 0:04:26 | 0:04:31 | |
"I'm goin' oot tae get steamin' drunk | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
"and smash windaes and sniff glue"? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Tam's sittin' there, well intae his eighties, givin' it, "No yer no'." | 0:04:36 | 0:04:42 | |
"I am, you auld bastard. And your not gonnae dae anything aboot it." | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
So Tam's like that. He gets up, arms like knittin' needles, "I'll stick one on your bloody chin!" | 0:04:46 | 0:04:53 | |
And the boy goes, "Sit your arse, you old prick, while I rifle through yer pockets." | 0:04:53 | 0:04:58 | |
Doesn't bear thinking aboot, does it? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
Aye, ye need yer strength tae keep a boy in line. You've got to be young. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:05 | |
I wouldnae swap places wi' Tam for all the tea in China. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:09 | |
No, me neither. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
TELEPHONE RINGS Who's that? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Hello? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
All right. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:22 | |
No, I don't know what you should do, either. Piss off! | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
That was Tam. That's them in the hotel. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
He says he diesnae know whether to have a big steak sent to the room, | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
beast into the minibar or have a splash in the Jacuzzi. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Coming up after the break, I'm going to be meeting a couple who've just have just had a lovely wee baby. | 0:05:55 | 0:06:00 | |
"Where's the news in that?", I hear you ask. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
Well, the mother of that baby is 64 years of age, and that makes her Britain's oldest mum. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:10 | |
We'll be right back. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
Here, you think they're paying them? It's Tam we're talkin' aboot, here. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
He'll have wangled a fee. Aye. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Hotels, flights up and doon to London. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
I don't think they pay guests on they types of shows. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
Lorraine Kelly'll be hoovering all the money oot it for herself. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:28 | |
Aye, you're right, aye. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
There'll be nothing left for any other silly bastard. Yeah, she must be padded. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
Aye, she's padded. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
And a wee ride intae the bargain! | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
Aye. She's awe mumsy and pumpable. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
That drives me off my nut! | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
She's my number two after Judy Finnegan. Away, for Christ sake! | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
You would take Judy Finnegan over Lorraine Kelly? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
That's like refusing a Ferrari and taking a Morris Minor. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
But yer forgettin', Jack, the Morris Minor's got the big, sticky-oot head lamps. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Aye, I'll gie ye that. Oh, oh, oh! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
Still to come, this season's sassy shoes with our Mark - from the High Street, of course. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
First, though, let's meet Frances and Tam Mullen and their beautiful new baby. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:07 | |
Absolutely gorgeous. What have you called him? | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
Well, he's only a week old, so we're still negotiating. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
I like Christopher, Frederick, Crawford and I really like Augustus, I think that sounds quite noble. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:21 | |
But Tam doesn't agree. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
Oh, what name are you holding out for, then, Tam? Tam. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
Tam? Aye. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
That gies ye, "Oh, look! There's Big Tam and Wee Tam." Or auld Tam and Young Tam, if you like. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
Right. I quite like Augustus. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
No. Tam. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
OK. Frances, what's it like being Britain's oldest mum at 64? | 0:07:36 | 0:07:42 | |
It's quite strange. We never planned it, that's for sure. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
No, no. We did not. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
I hope you don't mind me saying, you know, but you're both no longer young. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
Have you got friends to help you out with baby-sitting and things? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
It's quite tricky. I've only got my sister and she lives down he coast, and Tam doesn't have any family. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:59 | |
But we've got a good pal, Isa, who I'm sure would love to baby-sit. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:04 | |
In't that right, Isa? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
Oh, it's official, Isa. It's been on the telly. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
You're first in line for a usin'! | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
That'll be bloody right. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
If he comes to ma door looking for a baby-sitter I'll no' be in! | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
So, how are you coping with the sleepless nights? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Well, I'm no spring chicken myself, Lorraine, and I'm a wee bit set in ma ways. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:25 | |
I like a can of beer - well, a few cans, really - | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
so during the night I'm generally comatose, snoring the bit oot. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
She'll be getting up. I'll no' even hear it greetin'. It?! | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
Aye. Until we're agreed on Tam it's getting called "it." | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
ALL: Oh! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
Oh, he's called the wee 'un "it" on national television! | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Frances, now, there's been a lot of media attention over this birth, hasn't there? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:47 | |
You're on here, I imagine that companies have been in touch? | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
You know, offering you complimentary baby items? Eh? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:54 | |
So, what I really wanted to talk about... Whoa, whoa - put yer foot on the brakes, sweetheart. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
What was that about complimentary baby items? | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
Well, when something so special, you know, like this happens, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
big companies fall over themselves to associate their goods with you. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:07 | |
So you'll get free baby items - toys, nappies, that kind of thing. Has that not happened? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:12 | |
No. How do we go about that? Well, I'm sure they'll be in touch. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
Let me give you the details in case you need to get in touch. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:20 | |
0141 946 0200. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
We can't give that out on air. Sssh now, sweetheart. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
Tam and Frances Mullen, 25 Ratloch Road, Craiglang. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
Tam, you can't do that! The doorbell's no' working so gi' the door a tap. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:36 | |
Oh! | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
KNOCKING | 0:09:42 | 0:09:43 | |
Hello! | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
Visitors! Are you in? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
All right, Frances, there? Hello, Tam. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
Oh, how's the wee bundle of joy, there? He's grand, Jack. Thanks. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
Youse were good on the telly. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
Here's a couple of keepsakes. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Oh... Mugs? | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
Aye. Lifted them off Lorraine's table. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
You'll need to gie them a rinse oot, they're still dirty. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
Welcome! | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Youse couldnae do us a favour, eh? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
Seen that comin' Look after the wean for a couple of hours? Well... | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
We're kinda busy. We were gonnae ask Isa but she's no' in. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
No' in? On a Thursday? | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
Isa!! ..She's normally in. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
Isa!! | 0:10:32 | 0:10:33 | |
Bastard! | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
The thing, is we need to go into town to meet a media agent. A media agent? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
Aye. The phone's been ringing off the hook since Lorraine Kelly. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:47 | |
Companies phoning us up, want to deals wi' their products. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
Nappies and that. Baby stuff. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:51 | |
It's big! | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
How long you gonna be away? Without the wean we'll be in and out in two hours. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
Look at the wee soul. He's sound asleep. Aye, but for how long, Jack? | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
How long? Oh, he'll be sound now for a good three or four hours. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
I just fed him. If he wakes, just heat up the bottle in his bag, give him it and he'll go back over. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
Heat up a bottles now? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
HE SIGHS HEAVILY | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
Aye, we'll dae it. Aye. Thanks. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
Right, is that the time? I better be getting off to the bookies! ..Hold the lift. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
So, to recap, we are offering two years' commitment. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:38 | |
You'll never have to buy a single nappy. Thanks, Susan. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:43 | |
Finally, Brian. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
Brian's with First Taste baby foods. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
What's happened to you both, well... | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
it's a beautiful miracle. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
We at First Taste baby foods would like to wish you well. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:57 | |
Now, having a baby can be a stressful time, and we would like to be the ones to help. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:02 | |
You know what would help me? What's that? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Wads of cash. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Wads of cash? Aye. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
Let me tell you a bit about my background. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
I am a dirty miserable bastard | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
and I'm famous for it. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
I come from a long line of tight arses. It's in my blood | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
and I'd like to think that when the wee fella, when he grows up, he, too, will be a dirty miserable bastard. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:29 | |
My good lady here is Britain's oldest mother. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
Now, that's worth something. I know youse know that. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:38 | |
Free nappies, bibs, food, talcum... | 0:12:38 | 0:12:43 | |
Nah. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Anybody want to talk aboot money today? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
You're clearly a very shrewd man, Mr Mullen, so I would like to revise our offer. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:55 | |
How does this sound? | 0:12:55 | 0:12:56 | |
A five-year advertising campaign fronted by you and your wife, | 0:12:56 | 0:13:00 | |
with your baby's image on every jar we sell. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
From every jar we sell, we'll pay you one pence. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
One pence? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
One pence a jar?! One pence a jar. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
How many jars do you sell a year? | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
12 million. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:12 | |
Can I borrow your calculator, please? | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
BABY SCREAMS AND CRIES | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
This is nae use. I can still hear it. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
It's like a bloody fire alarm. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
It's cuttin' through me like a knife. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
I'm gonna kill tha bastard and his skinny wife when he gets back here! That's four hours! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:35 | |
We need to dae something. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Why's it greetin' like that? I don't know. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Maybe it's shat itself! Well, I'm not getting involved in that! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
No, me neither. Away and bang Isa's door again, she'll know what tae dae! I'm going to get the bottle. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
Isa! Isa, open this door! | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
We know you're in there, Jack seen ye! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Hello, Victor. What is it? | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
You know fine well what it is! Come and gie us a hand with this baby, it's pullin' place doon! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:12 | |
BABY CONTINUES SCREAMING AND CRYING | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
There, there, my wee lamb. Come on, noo. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Shh. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
Isa! | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
You're a genius! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Jack, come see this. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Jack? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:34 | |
Oh, Jack, you're all right? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
That was a helluva fright you gied me! | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
I'm sorry. No, no, no. There's nothing tae apologise for. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
I thought you were deid in that kitchen. I dunno what happened. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
I just felt the lights goin' oot. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
What's caused that, Doctor? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
We don't know. We need to find out why he blacked out. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
We're gonna put him in a ward and the next thing will be an angiogram. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
A whatogram? Nothing to worry about yet, Mr Jarvis. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
We inject some dye and check that your valves are working. It's very routine. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
So, it's his heart? It might be. That's what we're gonna find out. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
Now, I'm afraid you're gonna have to excuse us. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Victor. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:41 | |
Victor. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Eh? | 0:15:46 | 0:15:47 | |
Oh, how you feeling? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
Aye, no' bad. How long you been sittin' there? | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Three hours. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Away up the road. You're like Greyfriars Bobby, there! | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
No, no. I'll stay with you. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
I'll no' die on you, on you go. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
Right. I'll go to your hoose and let masel' in. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
I'll get your 'jamas and that, you know? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
I'll get you food, a magazine, juice. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
I'll do you up a wee kit bag. Oh, and I'll bring yer tranny. I'll come straight back. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
And jelly babies. You love them. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
It's ten o'clock at night, Victor. You can dae that in the morning. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
No. I'll dae it the night. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
You'd dae the same for me. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
We've got to watch oot for each other, Jack. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
We havenae got anybody else. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
I'll be away one hour. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Thanks, Victor. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Nae bother, Jack. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:44 | |
BIRD SINGS | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
Morning, Jack. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
Mornin', Victor. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
Aye, I know. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
I took a dizzy turn when I was leaving the hospital last night. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
I went doon the stairs heed first. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Boof! Unconscious. I never even made it to the bus stop. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
Away, ya stupid bastard. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
So that's me wi' nae jammies, nae juice and nae Jelly Babies? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
Are you all right? | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
I've bashed a couple of ribs and ma wrist is humped. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Oh, and here's the rub. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
I've tae get one of they angiogram thingmies 'an all. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
JACK SIGHS | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
It's ma fault. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
I shouldnae have pissed aff to the bookies and left them. I feel bad. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:36 | |
No. If anyone's to blame, it's me. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
If I'd have opened the door and taken wean in, this might never have happened. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:43 | |
One pence a jar... | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
I shoulda pushed for two! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
You know what, you bastard? | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
You're a ball hair away from getting a boot in the stones. Eh? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
That's the boys there lyin' up there in hospital, and all you can think aboot how much money yer gonna make! | 0:17:51 | 0:17:56 | |
Steady on, Winston. I'm worried aboot Jack and Victor an' all. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Selfish! Who, me? Aye, you. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Ye've aye been selfish, Tam. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Because I didnae want to drag the wean into the toon on a freezing cauld day? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
How is that selfish? | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
I don't see why I'm getting all the blame for this. That wean is your responsibility. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
He's only a week old and already yer dumping him off on folk. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
I have no' dumped him on anybody. Jack and Victor are friends of mine. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
I trust them. I don't just go leavin' ma wean wi' anybody! | 0:18:21 | 0:18:25 | |
Mr Mullen, yer baby's gone aff its nut. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
It totally won't stop cryin', and I've got to get back to school. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:32 | |
Stick his dummy in, son, I'll be oot in a minute! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Away ye go, ya daft auld poof! | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
Eh? You couldnae handle goin' up the road yersel' | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
so you threw yersel' doon the stairs of the hospital | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
just so you could jump into the bed next to him. Shut yer hole! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
So, have youse had all yer tests? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Aye. It's just that we're lying here, waiting noo. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
What like's the grub? | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
Dynamite. Aye, that boy Jamie Oliver comes round every day and cooks it fresh at the bottom of yer bed(!) | 0:18:56 | 0:19:03 | |
Aye. He did me a big plate of scrambled egg this morning wi' a lovely thing all through. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
What was it called again? Superbug. Smashin'(!) | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
It's a quick hour, innit? You've no' said much, Tam. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
Ah, well, they two have been gein' me it tight since I left the wean wi' yeez. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:20 | |
Ach, well. That's the end of that, then. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
These things happen. How you gettin' on wi' that free stuff? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
Aye, they're talkin aboot makin' an advert, puttin' me and Frances in it. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Is that right? That's magic. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
Here, Jack. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
I've got this for you. Keep you warm the night. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:37 | |
Hey, they've got blankets in here to keep them warm at night. Put that back in your pocket. Busted. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:42 | |
Here, hen. I've done them a couple of filled rolls, would that be OK? | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
That'll be fine. Smashing. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
Right. That's us offski. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
See you later. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Afternoon, gentlemen. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
I have your angiogram results. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
If I could have a word with you first, Mr MacDade. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
It's all right. You can speak in front of him, son. He's an old pal. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
Well, we've had a look at your tests and we've diagnosed you as a clumsy bugger. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:13 | |
There's nothing wrong with your heart, but what I would suggest is you make sure you're eating properly, | 0:20:13 | 0:20:18 | |
and try not to do too much running around at your age. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
Right-o, son. So, I'm fit to go? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
Yes. Have a quick word with the nurse and you can go home. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:29 | |
Right. Me. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
I cannae believe you're getting oot. I cannae believe you're no'. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
Bloody bypass. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
So when are they saying? Wednesday. Two o'clock in the afternoon. Right. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:52 | |
I've got a theory, you know. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
What's that? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:55 | |
One in, one out. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
What are you talking about? | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Well, Tam and Frances, they've got a new baby. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
That's a new life in Craiglang. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
By my reckoning, that means some old duffer's got tae check out. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:09 | |
Make space for it. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
It's him up the stairs making a balance. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Listen to yersel! | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Ye're no giein' yersel the best possible chance worryin' aboot garbage like that, are ye? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:20 | |
Well, I'm worried, Victor. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
Listen, Jack. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
We've been through a lot of stuff together. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
A lot of hard shit in wur time. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
But our time isnae done yet! | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
This is what the Yankees call a curve ball. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:40 | |
And if he's throwing you one, you, Jack Jarvis, you've got tae bat it oot the park. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:47 | |
Victor? | 0:21:47 | 0:21:48 | |
Aye. Where is it you get all that shite? | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Aff all they crappy movies they show in the afternoon. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Wednesday, then. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
Wednesday. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:05 | |
Look, will ye listen, Fiona, darling? | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
Look, take a telling. I don't want you here. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
No, there isnae any point... | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
I hear what you're saying, aye, but look, | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
I'll be doon and I'll be back on the ward before you know what's happened. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
Anyway, I've got Victor here. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
I know that. Yeah, but I'm no' frightened, so that's all that matters, in't it?. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:39 | |
Well, you know me, I'll no die in ma bloody bed! | 0:22:39 | 0:22:44 | |
Right. As soon as I'm about masel I'll gie ye a call. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:48 | |
Now listen, darling, I don't want you worrying. Right? | 0:22:48 | 0:22:52 | |
OK. Right, well, kiss the boys for me. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
All right? OK. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
I love you too... | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
Right ye are. That's my money, I'll see you later. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:04 | |
Alrighty. Bye. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:05 | |
What yous all wanting? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
Whisky. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
I'll take a sherry, Tam. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
Gies a lager. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:25 | |
Put your money back in your pocket, Tam. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
No. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:34 | |
Fiona! | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
How you daein', darling? Where's ma dad, Victor? | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
He's no gone in yet. I didnae think you were coming. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:47 | |
Jack says he telt you no' tae come. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
When did I ever listen to ma dad, Victor? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:50 | |
Dad? | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
Oh, Fiona. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
I thought I told you to stay at home? How you feeling? | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
I'm just tired, darling. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
How long is the operation, Doctor? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
I can't really say. Generally it's fairly routine. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
But I'll not kid you on. When the patient is this age, this procedure has a good deal more risk involved. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:15 | |
Now we're going to do our best for him. But we really need to go. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
Don't worry. Well, I AM worried. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:29 | |
He's my dad, he's old. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
MONITOR BEEPS | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Shit... Quick! | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
Where the bloody hell are you going? | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
I'm going to Jean, Victor. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
It's time. No it's no'. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
Sorry darling, I kinda need him for a wee bit longer. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:34 | |
Jack... Jack... | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
Oot the way, Victor. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
Naw. Get doon they stairs. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
Ja-ack! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
Back aff, ya spooky bitch! | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
Come on. Shift yer arse. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:48 | |
Quit shovin'. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Fiona darling. Victor. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
Jackie boy! Good to see you again! How you feelin', Dad? | 0:26:02 | 0:26:06 | |
I was right there. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:09 | |
That was something else, that was. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
Where? | 0:26:12 | 0:26:13 | |
Up there. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
Saw yer mother. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
Aye, she was beautiful. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
She was young, just the way I remember her. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
That's good, Dad. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
He called her a spooky bitch. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
Eh? Did ye? Indeed I did not! Aye, ye did! | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
As if I'd call her that! When was this supposed to have happened? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
Up there. I called your missus a spooky bitch? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Aye, and then you shoved me doon the stairs. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
You're out yer tits on morphine, Jack. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
So much choice. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
At 64, I'm Britain's oldest mum. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
And when you're that bit older, you're that bit wiser. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
And that's why the obvious choice for our baby... Tam Junior... | 0:27:20 | 0:27:25 | |
...has to be First Taste Original Organic Selection. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
First Taste - still doing it after all these years. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:33 | |
You old fox! | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
And cut! Great. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
Well done, that was terrific. Thank you very much. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
So, when do the new jars hit the shelves, then? | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
Oh, it'll be about three weeks. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
About the same time the advert's coming out. ..Excuse me. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
Hello? What's wrong? | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
You got a paper? Paper? Give me the paper. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
What page? | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:01 | |
Cut that. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
That's us out of here. Come on, let's go. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
I'll do it for half a pence a jar! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
This is one of the most fire-prone regions on earth. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
How far are we from the fire now? | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
I can see the trees have been completely scorched and blackened. | 0:28:33 | 0:28:38 | |
I've just bought a piece of Amazon. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
Just on the other side of this hill. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 |