Browse content similar to 26/12/2013. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Ah - good morning, Vera. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Some of these were here yesterday. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
Well, so was I and I'm still sweet and juicy. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:26 | |
You get worse. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:27 | |
We try, we try. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
You don't get this personal touch at the supermarkets, do you? | 0:00:29 | 0:00:33 | |
Huh, cheapskates. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
She was seen at the bus station in Worksop. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
Well, it's not like being caught in a hotel bedroom, is it, eh? | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
In high heels? Suddenly, at her age, she's in high heels. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:51 | |
No, I can't see it. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
I mean, if you were looking for love, would you go to Worksop? | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
Ah, it's him I feel sorry for. | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Oh, I don't know! He's got his allotment, in't he? | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
Grows his own veg, instead of buying it from me. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
No, if he wants to play with his parsnips | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
it's no wonder that she goes wild in Worksop. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
HE YAWNS | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
Take those glasses off. You can't see. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
You have to make these little sacrifices in the name of cool. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
Chill. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Leroy - I'm over here! | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
You ought be able to find your father in the dark. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
Your mother did. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
First time. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
Well, it was the only time if we want to be technical about it. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
But look, look here, look... tidy up. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
I'm going to move these chocolates out of the way of sleepwalkers. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
GURGLING PIPES | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
When are you going to get these pipes fixed? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
GURGLING CONTINUES | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
-GURGLING STOPS -There you are - fixed. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
You've never been totally sure have you? About me. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:17 | |
Are you really my father? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
Nothing says, "I love you," like a clout round the ears. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:24 | |
That's when I realised you'd got my ears. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Anyway, I'm on your birth certificate, aren't I? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
Mind you so is the registrar. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
I often wonder if I'm really somebody else. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
I don't even look like you. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:39 | |
When I was your age even I didn't look like me. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
Why do you keep fiddling with that bacon slicer? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Because I'm after the world's thinnest slice. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
Bit like my love life was in those days. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Did you love her? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
Well, I was in love with the magic of the exotic setting. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
Blackpool in February, mm, and it was raining. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
We were both on the rebound from an emotional crisis. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
Her because she'd been going out with the wrong types, and me | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
because I'd had to pay for that repair on the roof, yeah. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
We comforted each other in The Queen's Hotel. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
And here I am. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Most people come back with a stick of rock. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
Look what I come back with. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
Now, take those off will you. Hey - have you seen your eyes? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
They look like raspberry ripples. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
What time did you get in last night? | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
You used to wait up. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Yeah, well there's not much point in both of us | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
losing a night's sleep is there? | 0:03:36 | 0:03:37 | |
Huh. That's a very casual attitude for a father. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
You want casual, think of your mother. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Oi! | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Everybody else did. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
I bet she weren't that bad? | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
She left you out there on my doorstep | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
for some nugget in the motor trade. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
He could offer her a nearly new Jaguar. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
What chance did I have with buy one get one free? | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
You'd better put these on offer and reduce them. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
Reduce? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
Wash your mouth out! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
You don't use the word "reduce". That's for wimps. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
You'll never get rid of all this anchovy paste. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Don't worry, I'll shift it. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:15 | |
You forget that I was | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
ter-ter-ter-ter-trained... | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
I was trained by the ma-ma-ma-master. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
He was a bair-bair-bair-bair... | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
..he was a bair-bair-black belt in sneaky, wasn't he? | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
I saw that. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
You always were keen-eyed, Mrs Agnew. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
Well, just remember how close we once were and keep your mouth shut. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
How close when? | 0:04:57 | 0:04:58 | |
What - well, don't you remember? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
I got you under the mistletoe at Christmas. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
It wasn't even Christmas - it was barely August. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
Well, we have to plan ahead, you know, in the service industries. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
How's the lad? | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
The lad is fine. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Anyway, how is your romantic life? | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
I heard that it had lost a bit of its sparkle. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Where did you hear that? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
From your husband actually. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
I'm surprised he noticed! | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
Hmm. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
Pick us a dozen nice ones and send Leroy with them | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
when the breadman's been. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
DOORBELL TINKLES | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
What's wrong with that slice of bacon? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Don't start a rumour like that. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
So, why are you looking at it? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
I'm reading it. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
How can you read bacon? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
Well, it takes years of experience, you know. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
Yes, I'm er, looking for the omens. Reading the future. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
They used to do it with chickens' entrails, | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
but this is much kinder to your tablecloth. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
You do spin people some fanny. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Cyril, come inside. Give us a sporting chance. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:17 | |
How much of this anchovy paste is it that you're looking for? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
None. Are we alone? | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
I didn't know you cared. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
Yes, we are, but I must warn you that my IT manager | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
is out there in the back. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
What have you got for a rash? | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
I don't know. What would it like? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Well, come in, come in. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
Don't be shy. Come along. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
It's all right saying, "Don't be shy." | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
It's a bit personal. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:44 | |
Oh, in that case may I say how pleased we are | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
that you've brought it in here! | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
Where is this rash? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
INAUDIBLE WHISPERING | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Well, if it's there how can you see that you've got a rash? | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
It's all done with mirrors. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Well, your secret is safe in here. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
What's said in here stays in here. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
You told everybody where I had a boil. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
No, that was in here, that wasn't outside. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
Right, well, we'll see if we can find you something. Now, then... | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
Oh, yes. There you go - that'll do it. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
For nappy rash? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
I've seen it all before. You've got flat cap fever. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
That'll sort it. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
Flat cap fever? Down there? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
That's where it strikes. Life is a mystery, isn't it? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
They reckon it's to do with your follicles. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
I'm afraid you've been crushing your follicles. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
That's £4.79, please. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
£4.79? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:52 | |
Yes. It's either that or you got to lose your cap. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
Are you sure this is what I need? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Oh, of course. Body builders use that. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Why would they use this stuff? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
Well...it's for bulking up isn't it, and improved muscle tone. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
How can nappy rash cream bulk anybody up? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
How can you argue with facts? | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Have you seen how fast babies grow? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
Aye... | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Yes. Good man. Thank you, thank you. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Well done...and you have been. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
Oh, er - Leroy! Come here! | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
Come and get some practice in. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
There you are... come on! | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Very good. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:41 | |
Why, you...! | 0:08:44 | 0:08:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Oh - morning, Mrs Travis. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
How's the lad? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
The lad is fine. Especially out of business hours. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
Morning, Mrs Hemstock. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
How's the lad? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:07 | |
The lad is fine. I only wish I had half his opportunities. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
I hope he's grasping them firmly with both hands. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
I'm sure he is, Mrs Hemstock. I'm sure he is. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
Ah...the former Nurse Gladys Emmanuel. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
Retired, free and living alone. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
And determined to stay that way. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
Why are you cutting your bacon so thin? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
You come straight out with it, don't you? | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
It's not a reportable disease, is it? | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
I know it's no good for frying. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
Ah, no - but you get more slices. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
I'm for quality not quantity. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
-How's the lad? -The lad's fine. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
Why is it nobody ever asks about how I am? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
Well, they know how you are. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
You're an old tightwad like your uncle. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Old tightwad? | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Look, could we settle for prime of life, perfectly formed, | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
and in magnificent condition... | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
kind of tightwad? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Ee, he trained you well. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
Don't be bitter. He would have married you, given time. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Time? | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
An alternative view is that he died sooner than pay for the wedding. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
All right, so you haven't got matrimony. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
How about some anchovy paste? | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
No, no - special offer. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
You'll never get rid of that anchovy paste. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
They're staunch potted meat round here. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
-DOOR BELL TINKLES -Psst, how's the lad? | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Oh, the lad's fine and I, I, I... | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
I'm invisible. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
Why do they always ask about the lad? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
Well, you were glad of us all when you were raising him. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
He's got about 12 mothers round here. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
Course they're going to ask, "How's the lad?" | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
I could do with a bit of mothering. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Huh! We all know what you could do with. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Keep taking the pills. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
That's £3.50. | 0:10:58 | 0:10:59 | |
I'll see you Friday. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
-Save me a small white loaf. -Right. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
Good morning, Granville. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
Good morning, Mavis. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
I'm all right as far as "good morning," | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
then I never know what to say. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
That's me finished. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
There's no problem. I'm gobby enough for both of us. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
Do you know that the small grocer makes an ideal pet? | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
I like what you're wearing. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
Oh, it's just something I threw on... | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
and off - and on again. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
You look better since you got rid of that bum of a husband. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
I must have liked him once. Can't remember why. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
I could never understand why you weren't unfaithful to him. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:52 | |
It wasn't as though I didn't try. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
You were always nice. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
I used to come in the shop more than I really needed. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
Hm, yeah, well, it was a hell of a romance, weren't it? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
The closest we ever got | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
was when we had both our hands on the same tin of baked beans. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
And now your sister's moved in. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
She thinks I need protecting from men. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
She thinks everybody needs protecting from men. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
Where is she now? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
-She's parking the car. -Oh. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
She's not great at reversing. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
CRASHING OUTSIDE | 0:12:26 | 0:12:27 | |
I ought really to have stopped and helped her. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
What is it that you've come in for? | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
I got the note you slipped in with our order. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
I meant every word. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
"Sorry, no beef spread. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:42 | |
"I'm enclosing anchovy paste." | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
Heck, you've got the wrong note. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
CHOCOLATE BOXES CRUNCH | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Oh, now look! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
It wasn't just cold and businesslike then, the note? | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
No, it could have heated a small dwelling, | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
the note that I sent to you. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:12:59 | 0:13:00 | |
Don't be listening to him, he'll give you all sorts of old twaddle. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
It's what they do. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
And good morning to you too, Madge. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
We can't get a twaddle in edgeways with you. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
And where were you when I was reversing? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
You know I daren't look. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Well, you look at him. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
He doesn't race his engine. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
Hang on, can we have a little talk about that? | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
Don't be looking at him soft. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
Ask him how much is his belly pork? | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
I'm not sure I follow that chain of thought. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
Anyway, it's no dearer than up the road. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
We'll have a quarter, and a quarter of haslet. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Haslet...yes, thank you... | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Oh, I daren't look when he's using that bacon slicer. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
Well, he's not charging enemy trenches. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
No, and he's not over-charging either. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Except for certain awkward customers who are designed for such purposes. | 0:13:54 | 0:14:00 | |
Has he finished? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:01 | |
He's still gobbing. He hasn't started yet. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
I can't watch. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
I keep expecting to see two slices of bacon and a finger. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
I'll wait outside. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
"Must be over 18?" | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Anchovy paste? | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
Oh, yes. Too much power in the wrong hands. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
A small shopkeeper has to be responsible. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
We can't have vulnerable young people | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
experimenting with mind-altering substances, can you? | 0:14:36 | 0:14:40 | |
LEROY GROANS | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
What's mind-altering about anchovy paste? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
Ah! Well, of course, there's your ancient secret. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
Ah, well, yeah, and here comes your ancient load of old cobblers. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
No. No. No. It goes back to Ancient Egypt. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
Now, I had to swear a sacred oath before the secret was given to me | 0:14:54 | 0:14:59 | |
by this van driver from Warburton's. I... | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
Was that Mr Marshall? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
I could have sworn that was Mr Marshall. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
-Have you got any more of them....? -DOG BARKS | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
It was. It was Mr Marshall. He's just like his father, you know. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
They always get more dog than they can handle. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
How are you going to deliver all of these? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Oh, we have our methods. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
I can't see what you've got against the shop bike? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
It's clapped out. It's history. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
Well, it served me well. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:35 | |
And I've still got the saddle sores to prove it. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Well, don't worry about me. Arrangements have been made. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
Oh! | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
I didn't hear you coming, Mrs Featherstone. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
You're very light on your feet. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:02 | |
Oh, lighter than that, Granville, in the right circumstances. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
Was that your Leroy with two strumpets? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
Yeah, well, I only saw two, but you never know with Leroy. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:13 | |
Your Uncle Arkwright would turn in his grave. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
He was never one for mixing business with pleasure. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
Believe me, I tried. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
You? Tried pleasure? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
It is within the area of my expertise, Granville. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
Oh, we could have made a dream team your uncle and me. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
With his grasp of the mercenary and my gift for the thrifty. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
But, he was blinded by a bigger bosom. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Yeah, well...he did always expect a lot for his pound, didn't he? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
Of course it helped that she could bandage his injured parts | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
and keep an eye on his mild hernia. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
So, I lost, I always feel, on a technicality. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
But he lost the opportunity to awaken my flame. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
Well, I know he never knew where he left his matches. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
You'd be surprised what burns behind a respectable exterior. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:04 | |
Well, behind some exteriors, er, you can see how it is easily overlooked. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:10 | |
I have trained two husbands to an early grave. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
Discipline was my watchword, but... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
for a genuine soul mate of strict financial probity, | 0:17:16 | 0:17:20 | |
on national holidays and certain personal festivities, | 0:17:20 | 0:17:25 | |
there could be the occasional frolic. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
I never thought of you in a frolic, Mrs Featherstone. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
Under strict operational conditions. One must be realistic. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
I know how you men are. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
Really? How are we Mrs Featherstone? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
Call me Delphine. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
-(Delphine?) -I think we are ready to take us | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
to the next level. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:50 | |
Oh, look at that. Is that the time? It is. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
-I must go and see if I can get... -Ooh. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
I have watched you, lad, growing in wisdom. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
To you I am always available on a consultancy basis. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
And there could be more, Granville. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
It is the Age of the Cougar. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
SHE GROWLS | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Oh, did you - oh, did you hear that? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
That was the bacon slicer, er... | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
phone, phone. It was the phone. The phone! | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
BIKE CREAKS AND GRANVILLE GROANS | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
I'll slow that Leroy down. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
Oooh! | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
< LEROY: There's a person here who wants to see you about | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
unlocking his full body potential. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
Hee, hee! You t-taught me some stuff, didn't you, eh? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:54 | |
I'll never get into heaven. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Probably be closed anyway. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
These big companies don't work the hours that we do, do they? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
Well, let's see what meh-meh-meh-magic there is | 0:19:04 | 0:19:08 | |
in an-anchovy paste, shall we? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
Oh, is it a trough of low depression or is it Eric? | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
How's it going, Eric? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
What's this stuff you've got then? | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
Stuff? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:24 | |
"What's this stuff"? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Eric, this place is full of stuff, isn't it? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
This is an Aladdin's Cave. It's the Horn of Plenty. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
You're going to have to get a bit closer than "stuff". | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
Now, is it my imagination or are you a bit low in spirit? | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
So, would you be if you were married to her back home. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
I thought you did better than might have been expected. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
She's not unattractive. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:46 | |
I know. But what does she do with it? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:50 | |
Nothing. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
Are you telling me you've lost some of the music of your honeymoon days? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:55 | |
Well, it was never exactly the full orchestra. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
But I'm down to solo trumpet. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
We ought to form a duet. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:09 | |
You know, people of our generation | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
are in the deprivation zone of playtime. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:18 | |
Playtime? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
If I didn't have an X Box, I wouldn't get any. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
There are ways, you know, to put the colour back in your cheeks. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
Are we talking...over 18... "unlocking your full potency" here? | 0:20:28 | 0:20:34 | |
We are. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:35 | |
That's it. That's the stuff. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
But are you ready for it? | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
I'm ready. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
I'm ready. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
Can I ask - ready for what, exactly? | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
For the road back to playtime. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
When you say "back"... | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
have you got anything for anyone who's never really | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
been there in the first place? | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Well, I have to warn you - this stuff, you know, is a life changer. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
I'm up for that. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
Right now, listen - don't overdo it at first. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
You know, small amounts. Pace yourself. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
This stuff has a double whammy. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
You get your general health stimulus plus... | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
Plus... | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
HE WHISPERS | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
-From anchovy paste? -Oh, yes, it's the fish oils. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:34 | |
Nature's secret, | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
cos way back then, you know, we were all fish. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
This stuff will put a tiger in your tank. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
I tell you what, this will transform your nights. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
But I warn you - you've got to take it easy. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Small amounts, pace yourself. Spread it thinly. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:53 | |
Else what? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
Else your entire life will be playtime. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
I'll take two. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:22:08 | 0:22:09 | |
DOG BARKS | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
Oh! Oh, it's you. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
DOG WHINES | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
Oh, right... | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
What have we got here? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
No, I don't think I've got that particular butter, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
but tell her the one I'm sending her is just as good. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
DOG BARKS | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Oh! It says here two dog chews. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:41 | |
I hope you've not been forging this note? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
-Eh? -DOG WHINES | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
AUDIENCE: Aww! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Right, thank you for the lift.... | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
Should you be doing that when you're engaged? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
-GRANVILLE TUTS -Oh, heck. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
The wear and tear on errand boys these days! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
Have you seen your face? | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
It was just a glancing blow. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
Well, we can't let everybody know that you're having more fun | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
than I am. Come here. Now... | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
You've got my mouth. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
Only yours is seeing much more action than mine. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
This has got to stop. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
Now, we've got to make these deliveries | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
in a proper commercial manner. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
Otherwise we will be known as Squeals on Wheels. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
DOOR BELL TINKLES | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
Warming up out there, is it? | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
You're a deadpan lot around here. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
What does a bloke have to do to get a reaction? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
You must be wondering what's the point of being | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
dressed like a pillock if nobody cares. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
"Wear this, the company said, "This'll get you noticed. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
"This'll help you sell." | 0:24:25 | 0:24:26 | |
I look like a muffin, don't I? | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
You look as though you could do with a drink. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
I do. I need a drink. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
That's very good of you. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
We're not all barbarians. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
Tell me, what are you supposed to be, apart from ridiculous? | 0:24:39 | 0:24:43 | |
That's another thing about you lot. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
You're all very inclined to speak your mind. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
What is it that you're selling? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
Planters' Tea. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
Our most refreshing brand. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
HE MIMICS FANFARE | 0:24:56 | 0:24:57 | |
And, for your advertising, | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
a full-size, cardboard cut-out... | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
..of me. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
Full size, eh? Well, that'll never go down with the natives. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
They'll start worshipping it. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
But I'll tell you what we'll do, you leave us a few free samples | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
and we'll see how it goes. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
And there's no reason to be calling in the shop. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
-What shop? -Oh, don't give me "what shop?" | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
And don't go gawping in as we pass. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
So, I give him a wave. I can do waves. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:34 | |
I don't get tongue-tied doing waves. It's only friendly. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:38 | |
Oh, he won't have friends. They wouldn't be tax deductible. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
"You need a drink," he says. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Then charges me for the bottle. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
Should have stayed in bed. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:49 | |
You meet some... | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
It's a jungle round here. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:55 | |
You see! What a money grabber! | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
He's got a nice face. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
So has a Jack Russell and they'll bite your hand off. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Treat them right, I bet they're warm and cuddly. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
Oh...! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
I'm recycling the shop bike. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
I've got to slow my lad down somehow. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
You know, I owe my exquisite calf muscles to the years that | 0:26:19 | 0:26:23 | |
I spent on the old shop bike. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
We won't mention the pressure on certain other parts. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:30 | |
It's there he needs all the knocks he can get! | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
What are you waiting for out here? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:40 | |
The return of the firm's transport. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
He's not trying to get you back on that old bike? | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
-Again. -It were clapped out when he used to ride it. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
Can I ask you something? | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
Again? Do I think he really is your father? | 0:26:53 | 0:26:57 | |
He's the only one you've got. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
He brought you up, | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
with a bit of help, | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
and he looks after you. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
True. And I've got his ear. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
That's something. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
BIKE HORN PUMPS | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
Distinctive vehicles for delivery... | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
just like Harrods - traditional... | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
style. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
Watch that pedal. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:29 | |
Oh, nimble errand boys - | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
they laugh at tricky pedals. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
Oh! Oof! | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
Ugh! | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
Oh! Ow! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Oh! Ow! | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
Ah! | 0:27:46 | 0:27:47 | |
You ought to be locked up, selling diabolical stuff like that. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:57 | |
I've never had an easy moment since I put it on. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
Talk about scratching! | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
I'm going to be red raw. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
It was for internal use, you barnpot! | 0:28:06 | 0:28:10 | |
Ohh! | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
When I said spread it on thiiiiiinly, | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
I meant on a piece of toast! | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
Now he tells me! | 0:28:18 | 0:28:19 | |
Come on in...inside... | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
-Oh! -Ow! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
It's a duet, in't it, eh? | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
'Oh, it's been a funny old day. | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
'I've seen more of Wet Eric than is customary. | 0:28:36 | 0:28:40 | |
'I believe I'm near a breakthrough with that bacon slicer. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
'I thought Mavis was looking good. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
'But then I always think Mavis is looking good. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
'That's a powerful rear light. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
'Unless it's Wet Eric still glowing in the dark.' | 0:28:57 | 0:29:00 | |
Your note arrived safely, Granville. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
Tucked in among my groceries. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
Aren't you the sly one? | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
I don't usually do much for Christmas, but, | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
under the circumstances. | 0:29:12 | 0:29:14 | |
Huh? Argh! | 0:29:14 | 0:29:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
But it isn't Christmas yet. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:21 | |
-It feels like it to me! -Oh...! | 0:29:21 | 0:29:24 | |
Oh, heck! | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 |