Episode 5 Sweat the Small Stuff: Extra Sweaty

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw,

welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff Extra Sweaty!

CHEERING

Hello, everybody!

Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes the big deal about the little things in life,

cos those little things really are worth sweating about.

I am not interested in the politics of this country,

like what's happening with the Tories or Labour.

I'm more concerned about Rochelle's labour going all over this floor.

LAUGHTER

That's a real issue. I don't want placenta on my shoes.

LAUGHTER

Shall we meet our team captains, everybody?

CHEERING

It's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin O'Doom!

CHEERING

-How are you, Rickie?

-I'm all right. What's going on?

-Yeah, I'm all right. I'm good.

-Do you like my top?

-I don't know.

I'm not sure about it.

-You've both gone for a quite outlandish look today.

-Yeah.

I feel like I'm from East London.

Via Nigeria.

On Rickie's team this evening is a pop superstar who is sweating it

because, scientifically speaking, she must share at least

some of the same genetic make-up as her cousin, Dappy.

It's Tulisa, everybody.

CHEERING

And, joining them, we have an award-winning comedian from Canada

who's sweating it in case we mention that she used to work in Hooters.

It's Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING

Woo!

And over on Melvin's team... Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

She's still here.

LAUGHTER

She's been pregnant for five years now.

-It's Rochelle Humes from The Saturdays.

-Thank you, Grimmy.

PARTY POPPER POPS

Oh, no! Last week it was so much bigger.

We spent the budget last week, cos you said you were having your baby.

-I know.

-She's back here again.

-What can I do?

What is weird, when we recorded this,

what you're watching on the telly right now is a week ago.

So anything could have happened.

-Rickie could be dead.

-ROCHELLE: Oh, no!

Why me?

Melvin could have had a growth spurt.

LAUGHTER

-Hopefully.

-You will have probably had a baby.

Oh, wow, yeah.

This time next week, but now.

Last week, if you're watching, but next week if you're here.

So, let's talk as if you've had the baby.

I want the scoop, the first interview. How did it go?

LAUGHTER

-I'm going to say really well.

-Yes?

-Yeah.

Did it sting?

Oh, my God! What sort of a question is that?

It's going to sting, Rochelle.

Joining Melvin and new mum Rochelle...

You're such a weirdo.

..is a notorious actor and TV hardman

who never sweats about anything.

In fact, he kicks his sweats in the nuts and then takes their

mum for a night out on the tiles.

LAUGHTER

It's Danny Dyer!

CHEERING

-Hi, Danny Dyer!

-Hello, baby.

-I like it when you call me baby. Say it again.

-Hello, baby.

"Hello, baby."

-You've been sweating about flies.

-Yeah, flies.

Why are they here?

LAUGHTER

-What do they want? What... What is it?

-I've no idea!

-They wake up in the morning...

-They wake up!

-..if they wake up.

LAUGHTER

They fly about making a stupid noise, all right?

What are they looking for?

They're looking for a pile of shit to sit on.

The worst flies are the ones in Spain.

They land, you go like that, it's like a yo-yo. It just comes back.

I tell you what I love - a fly stuck in a spider's web.

LAUGHTER

I look at it and go, "You're fucked."

LAUGHTER

"You ain't eating no more shit, mate. It's over."

-What are they about? I don't get them.

-I don't know.

They fucking wind me up.

LAUGHTER

-Is everybody ready?

-Yes!

-Time now for Round One.

As Sweat The Small Stuff is all about the little things in life,

it seems appropriate that this round is all about little Melvin.

Melvin, tell everyone in the audience what you call your...

downstairs pal.

I call my private parts Carlito.

Oh, my God.

How often do you call him Carlito? Do you talk to him?

After sex, generally, I'm like, "Well done."

LAUGHTER

-You name yours?

-I have a name.

-What is it?

-It's my Minky.

LAUGHTER

If I had your vagina, I'd call it Tulipsa.

LAUGHTER

Amazing!

Tulisa, do you think it would be weird if you were with someone

that named their own parts, if they named their bits?

Or would you take it on the chin?

The cheek, the forehead.

LAUGHTER

Pretty much all of my boyfriends have named their private parts.

Do they have sexy names or normal names? Like Colin.

One of them had, like, three and one of them was Hercules.

He had three penises?

LAUGHTER

I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

I call mine Piers Morgan,

because he's a massive cock.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hi, Piers! Hi, Piers!

-Melvin, you're not the only one with a name, though.

-Right.

We've done some research and people actually do this.

We found a teeny tiny story that says Justin Bieber's fans

have nicknamed his penis Jerry.

Jerry mouse, because it's a fucking tiny little thing, innit?

LAUGHTER

-It's mousy and small.

-Makes sense.

And goes into little holes.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Stinks of cheese.

Stinks of cheese!

I interviewed him once and I was in his hotel

and there were all these people like, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! "

And he was laughing and I was like, "Who's Jerry?", and he was like...

-What?!

-So his fans, rather than shout his name, shout Jerry.

I like the sound of that.

-Would you like everybody in here to scream Carlito?

-Give it a go.

-Carlito!

-AUDIENCE: Carlito! Carlito! Carlito!

-DANNY:

-Go on, get him out. Get him out.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-No!

-No-one wants to see that.

-What is yours? My Minky?

Minky's not as cute.

My Minky! My Minky...

-Do we think that people do have names?

-I think so.

-You reckon?

-Yeah.

-We thought we'd put this to the test,

so we rounded up some people on the streets and asked them,

"Do you have a name for your privates?"

The way this is going to work is we'll see the person swear on this.

The quiff of me.

It's the hairy good book which we got them

to swear on and tell the absolute truth.

All you have to do to is decide

if they've nicknamed their sexual reproductive organs.

We're going to start with your team, Rickie.

Let's have the first person, please.

Hi, my name's Claire

and I swear by the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the whole truth.

Do you have a nickname for your privates?

LAUGHTER

Does she name her vagina?

-She had trouble saying "quiff".

-Yeah.

Maybe it's called Quiff.

-Maybe.

-What do you think?

-I don't know.

I'm making the decision for us. We'll say no.

They're saying no, she doesn't name it. Let's find out.

Yeah, Minnie Moo.

LAUGHTER

Sad, but true.

Minnie Moo! Quite like yours.

They should be friends.

My Minkle and Minnie Moo.

-Minkle?

-Minkle?

I don't know what your fanny's called!

LAUGHTER

For Melvin's team.

Hi, my name's Kelly

and I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Do you have a nickname for your privates?

LAUGHTER

-What do you reckon?

-Yeah... Yeah, she has.

-Rochelle?

She did a little look up as if to say, "Oh, I'm thinking about it.

"Am I going to tell the truth?"

She'll probably say a pocket or something.

-A pocket?

-Something...

But I don't think she'll admit it, though.

-You going no?

-Yeah.

-OK, they're saying no.

-Yeah.

-What is it?

I can't think of it off the top of my head.

My little flower, or something like that.

Eurgh. My little flower.

She said, "A flower, or something."

That says to me she's talking bollocks.

I reckon she's got a name for it and it's something dirty...

Like stinging nettle.

LAUGHTER

Get hold of that. Stings you like that, pow!

LAUGHTER

Rickie, next one for you.

Hello, my name is John and on the Quiff of Grimmy

I swear to tell the truth.

Have you got a nickname for your privates?

LAUGHTER

This ain't fair. This geezers got a muff round his fucking mouth.

LAUGHTER

What do we reckon? Does he name his private parts, yay or nay?

See the way he's holding his hand up, he looks very...

He looks like a religious man.

He does look law-abiding.

-I think he's going to be really honest.

-He does look quite serious.

And we know religious men don't do anything weird with their cocks.

Are we going yes or no, does he name his private parts?

I think he could be one of those dodgy foreign men

that are like, "Yes, I call him...

"moussaka."

-Say yes. Every guy does, I think.

-All right, we're going to say yes.

You're seeing yes, he names his cock. Let's find out.

-No, I haven't, I promise.

-That was the religious thing!

Too indie to name his penis.

Next one for Melvin's team.

Hi, my name is Del and on the Quiff of Grimmy I swear

to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Do you have a nickname for your privates?

-Yes, he does!

-You saying yes?

-He definitely does!

He looks very suave, doesn't he?

He looks like he might converse in like a gentleman's club

with his penis with a cigar.

It's got its own bank account, it's got its own mortgage, as well.

-It's got its own life, yeah.

-He talks to it all day long.

It would be great if that was the nickname. All Day Long, All Day Long.

-You think he names it?

-Yeah, he looks like a powerful guy.

I think it's well scrubbed and all, he looks after it.

LAUGHTER

You're saying he does name it. He also cleans it really well.

No. And that's the truth.

I swear, that's the truth.

-Liar!

-Would you like to name his penis, Danny Dyer?

No, I think I've said enough tonight.

OK, then. Rickie next one for you.

Hi, my name's Bryn

and I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Do you have a nickname for your privates?

LAUGHTER

Does this man name his cock? Do you reckon?

He's handsome, he's together. He's got a cardigan.

-I'd say he's got an ego.

-Yeah.

I think we're going to say yes on this one.

-You're going yes?

-I think he calls it Twinkle.

Tulisa is saying yes and Twinkle. Let's find out.

-Yes.

-What is it?

Bobby.

-Barbie!?

-Is it Bobby or Barbie?

Bobby, I think he went for Bobby.

Melvin's team, one for you.

Hello, my name is Yassine,

and I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy I will tell the truth.

Do you have a nickname for your private parts?

LAUGHTER

Audience, does he name it?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-No, he's got...

-He's got a name?

I pray that he names it.

-They're going yes.

-ROCHELLE: I want to hear him say it.

Come on, son.

-Yes.

-What is it?

-Yas.

-What do you call it?

-Yas.

-Yas.

-Yes?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

It's called Yas!

APPLAUSE

"Err..Yas."

"Err...Yas."

His name is Yassine,

so his man downstairs is called Yas.

So, basically, like half of his name. Little Yas.

-Little Yas downstairs.

-Yas.

Thank you, teams, for playing

that very highbrow round of On the Quiff of Grimmy.

APPLAUSE

And, Tulisa, I've got some of your Sweats here. What's the problem?

I have deep issues with food.

OK. Like what?

Let's say I've spent all day cooking a shepherd's pie, right?

Now, with my shepherds pie, I have to have cheese sprinkled

across the top and Worcestershire sauce and salt and pepper.

Let's say if I sent my boyfriend to the shop when I'm cooking it

and he came back without the cheese and the Worcestershire sauce

and there was no salt and pepper.

I wouldn't eat it.

Imagine getting home to an angry, cheeseless Tulisa.

LAUGHTER

At least you can train the guys up. As soon as they start dating...

-"Train the guys up?"

-Yeah!

Because, now he knows, he's going to go to the shop,

he's not going to come back with no cheese again,

cos he got his head bitten off last time!

Next time, he'll have the cheese.

-Danny, have you ever been trained up by a woman?

-No, no, no.

I don't believe that!

No, but women are petrifying. They can be.

I imagine, if I was her fella, I'd be fucking...just...

LAUGHTER

Danny, isn't Tulisa worth it?

Wouldn't you bring home the cheese to get a little cheddar?

LAUGHTER

OK, time for Round Two.

What is it about this that I have been sweating about?

HE PLAYS "LAST POST"

GUN POPS

CHEERING

So, any ideas what it is about that that I've been sweating about?

-Danny Dyer, what do you think?

-Mouthy people?

-Mouthy people.

-Cocky celebrities?

-Kind of.

-MELVIN:

-Like, beef.

-TULISA:

-Outspoken.

If you've got there with war and mouthy celebrities.

-MELVIN:

-Celebrity beef?

-TULISA:

-Celebrities at war?

-Online.

-Online. Boom!

Let's give them a point for their team. That's absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

We have been sweating about war, but a specific type of war.

Not like boring wars about oil. Ugh!

Sweating about celebrity online wars.

They're so much fun to follow, but my Sweat is that when...

I tried to have beef with someone famous,

but I thought I'd have beef with Rihanna.

But she didn't even know about it.

LAUGHTER

I had a war with her in my own head.

-She didn't even know about it.

-Why did you do that?

She cancelled on my radio show

five minutes before she was meant to come on air.

So then that's why I thought I'd have beef.

Yeah, but with a valid reason.

No, the e-mail said - true story - Subject, Rihanna.

E-mail, "Not happening."

LAUGHTER

6:25am.

We are honoured, actually, everybody,

to have two of the best in the business at it in this room.

We have Lieutenant General Tulisa

and Field Marshal Danny Dyer.

You are truly great online war heroes.

Do you both like to be quite outspoken and mouthy?

Who have you had a go at in the celebrity world?

God knows. Who's had a go at me? Then you'll find your answer.

You'll notice anyone I've ever had an argument with

or been mean to, it has been defending myself.

-Yes.

-In response to abuse.

-Yeah, sister.

However, Danny likes to have a feud with the public.

In just the last week, Danny Dyer has told

an aspiring actor from the Midlands that

he was going to work at Matalan until the age of 40.

LAUGHTER

Told a bald man from Suffolk that he has a head like a crystal ball.

I remember the crystal ball geezer, yeah.

Said that the game Scrabble could, "Get fucked."

LAUGHTER

Because we love an online feud so much, we are going to play

a brand-new game - Online War Heroes!

APPLAUSE

OK, I'm going to give both teams the name of a celebrity

and a comment they have posted about another celebrity online.

All you have to do is guess which celebrity

they were insulting for publicity.

Melvin's team, you are up first.

Zayn Malik off of One Direction. He tweeted...

..winky smiley, but who did he tweet that to?

I think that was one of The Wanted. They always fight, don't they?

One of The Wanted.

You say fight, I mean, fucking...

Yeah, only over Twitter.

I think it was Max.

It was Max from The Wanted!

A point to your team.

Our next one, for Rickie's team.

"Stop tweeting about me and go and find some happiness! It's embarrassing..."

Who did you say that to?

Lord Twatteth.

Is it Lord Twatteth?

It's Lord Sugar!

That's such a funny person to have beef with.

He literally, for the past two years, was just going for me.

But this guy had a proper vendetta for no reason.

-What's wrong with him?

-Don't know.

-Is he an ex-love?

-He needs a shag or something.

Something's up with him.

Shall we try and start an online feud now?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Shall we do one?

I think it would be good. Can't we get you to do one?

-You're good on Twitter.

-I don't start them, I finish them.

Go on! OK, let's start one this time. Break the mould, Tulisa.

Why don't you start one? Start one with Dappy.

Just message Dappy, like, "You arsehole!"

You know what? I am actually mad at Dappy for something.

Why? What? Smelly beanie?

No, he's living with me at the moment.

-And is he behaving?

-He is. Well..

-How is he as a houseguest?

He was, up until I found a hole in my wall.

Just message him. "@Dappy - Get home right now!"

-Like what mums would say.

-"@Dappy - Get home right now."

"Get home, right now, you idiot!"

"...immediately." Capital letters.

-Yes!

-"Or I'm going to spank your bottom."

-He's my cousin.

-Oh, yeah, don't spank his bottom.

How about, "Dappy, why am I staring into your hole?"

LAUGHTER

-Are you doing it, Tulisa?

-All right.

"Dappy, get your arse home right now and fix this mess."

"You dick." Go for dick, dick's offensive. "You dick!"

Do you want to deal with the N-Dublets after this tweet?

-N-Dublets don't sound too scary.

-I know.

Like the Munchkins.

What have you said, Tulisa?

Son is patronising.

And that is going online now.

Sorry, Dappy, you've got war.

-I'll start one with Tulisa right now.

-It's fine.

I'll just retweet it and let the N-Dublets deal with you.

Come at me!

LAUGHTER

I've got Danny Dyer on my side.

I'll back you.

Yes, me and Danny Dyer versus the N-Dublets. We'll have you.

All rights, teams, thank you for playing Online War Heroes.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's time now for Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

This is where, each week, I challenge our wonderful

team captains to take a small

Sweat out onto the streets and into the public's faces.

This week's Sweat is all about food envy. Do you ever have that?

Have you ever ordered the wrong thing and regretted it?

Ever had anything in your mouth that's backfired, Tulisa?

AUDIENCE: Oh!

You bastard!

The N-Dublets!

ROCHELLE: Grimmy looks petrified!

Let's find out how they got on.

This is Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

-I should tell you why I brought you to these restaurant toilets.

-Yeah.

It's because this week's challenge is all about food envy.

You know when you order and you're jealous of someone else's food?

-OK.

-It's all about that.

So what we'll do is get you to complete as many

challenges as possible in these gold envelopes.

-Do you get it, Rickie?

-Yes!

-Do you get it, Melvin?

-I do.

OK. Back to business.

LAUGHTER

Am I going to win?

Do bears shit in the woods? Do they?

He's not going to win. He's not going to win.

Can you not put that in my face?

Mmmm. Mmmm.

-I'm going to win.

-I'm going to win.

-Shut up.

-Shut up.

-You shut up.

-You shut up.

OK, this week's tasks...

taste somebody's meal.

Man!

Excuse me, guys, sorry to interrupt. I saw your food coming over.

-What is that?

-Calzone.

-Evening. You're not on a date, are you?

-No.

-Well, my boyfriend's in the bathroom.

-Your boyfriend?

-Yeah.

That looks so much better than this! Would you do a swap with me?

-Swap a salad for my calzone?

-Yeah, yeah.

I saw your bread and it looks absolutely amazing.

-Can I try a bit?

-Yes, you can have some bread.

Could you feed it to me before your boyfriend comes?

Not really, no.

You need a better sales pitch than swap that and that.

What about if I get to taste a little bit?

Mate, do you want to taste some of my calzone?

-I'd love to. But you give me the bit.

-You want me to feed you?

LAUGHING: Here you go, mate.

APPLAUSE

Take home someone's meal.

How am I going to take home a meal?

Sorry to disturb you. Is anyone sitting there?

I'm just going to be completely blunt with you guys.

I've got really bad food envy.

I just saw them bring your meal

and everything about that meal says absolutely eat me.

What is that you're eating, by the way?

LAUGHTER

I can't eat this. But your food looks really good. What is that?

-Calzone.

-Calzone.

Would it be bang out of order if I took yours home and we did a swap?

Not going to happen.

-Please.

-Why don't you just order it?

-They're not doing it any more.

-No, sorry.

-All right, fair enough.

I'm going to get a doggy bag right now.

Could I take that home with me? Is that cool?

-Is that not going to work?

-No.

It's not a problem...

You're eating it right now?

Sorry. Guys, you have a great evening.

OK. Thank you so much.

APPLAUSE

Wow!

At the end of that painful challenge, it was a draw,

which means you have a point each!

CHEERING

Katherine, you have been sweating over the eyebrows of teenage girls.

It's the time in your life

that you try to do your own eyebrows cos you're poor and it's...

-It's not a good idea, it ruins the face.

-It's a tough thing.

I remember girls at school, they'd all gone,

so they'd just do it in pencil and they'd be all wonky

and they'd look like a villain...

And they don't know. You need to reach a certain age.

You can't vote, you can't drive, you can't get a mortgage,

don't touch your eyebrows.

Do you ever worry what you'd look like with no eyebrows?

-I never want to see that day.

-Well, we're going to do it right now.

Let's have a look at Katherine without any eyebrows whatsoever.

There you are with eyebrows, nice and Katherine-like.

And without.

You see? I'm unemployable there. I look like I've been to prison!

-Tulisa, shall we do you?

-Oh, God.

Let's have a look at Tulisa without any eyebrows.

-That is so funny, isn't it?

-It's so weird.

-I look like an alien!

-Shall we do Danny Dyer, audience?

-Yes.

Let's see what he looks like. Let's see regular Danny.

There he is, a little bit of a tan.

-Whack them off, go on.

-Whack them off.

LAUGHTER

-So weird.

-Size of my nut!

I was just going to say that!

And we have me. Let's do me. Let's get rid of them.

-It's really scary.

-That is not the one, is it?

-You need eyebrows, don't you?

-You do need eyebrows.

If you take anything away tonight, you do need eyebrows.

LAUGHTER

It's time now for another Sweat.

What is it about this that pretty much

the entire world has been sweating about?

Oh, hello! Any ideas, teams?

-DANNY:

-First of all, look at the size of this geezer.

You stand up.

Look how he wears that shirt.

All that gym is a waste of time!

LAUGHTER

Look at that! Your arms are bigger than my legs!

Oh, my God!

It looks like really unsuccessful human cloning.

You're like the by-product. Shall we get Rickie up over here, as well?

KATHERINE: Is it when dads and kids dress alike?

LAUGHTER

There we go.

ROCHELLE: Is it... I really mean this in the nicest possible way.

But someone wearing the same outfit and they rock it a bit better?

LAUGHTER

That's exactly it, Rochelle!

You win a point for your team.

I'm talking about you, Melv!

APPLAUSE

That is correct. We have all been sweating about turning up somewhere

only to find someone in the exact same outfit and, even worse,

it's someone who looks better in it than you.

A point for your team, Melvin.

APPLAUSE

Well done. Well done.

Have a look at this. We have a picture.

It's worse if you're a famous person.

Kim Kardashian in that infamous outfit. There she is.

First of all, Mrs Doubtfire.

LAUGHTER

Robin Williams looks pretty good in it there.

A couch there. Has that ever happened to you?

It is a bit of a girl's worst nightmare, isn't it?

Or maybe now Melv's worst nightmare, too.

-It doesn't really happen to boys, does it?

-No.

-Well, this has happened to you.

-Has it?

Yes. There you are.

LAUGHTER

Fucking liberty taking.

LAUGHTER

And who looks better here? Alexa Chung off of fashion...

or me?

LAUGHTER

Two killer looks there.

-This is a hard one.

-Who would you go for, Melvin?

I mean, they are both smoking. Look at them legs!

Erm, I think you win it on the stance, Grimmy.

I think so. In your face, Chung!

-I give it to Grimmy.

-I like the way you pulled your socks up.

She looks like she's wearing your famous wig on top of her head.

-She's been wearing this.

-That's what it looks like.

It's funny for me cos it's fancy dress,

but that's actually what Alexa Chung wears in the street.

LAUGHTER

But how good do you think you would be at spotting

people in exactly the same outfits, is my question for you.

Could you do this? Could you work it out?

-Yeah.

-Well, let's find out as we play Snatch & Match.

APPLAUSE

Right, so I need a person from each team to play this game.

Who is going to play from your team, Rickie?

The lovely Tulisa.

-Melvin, who's going to play from your team?

-Danny Dyer!

CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH

It's going to be a feisty battle.

Danny and Tulisa, join me round the front,

round here, as we play Snatch & Match!

APPLAUSE

-All right, Danny?

-All right, geeze? All right, geeze?

-What are you saying?

-Do you want some?

Have a fight! Have a fight!

OK, this is how it works. I've split the audience into two, right?

Two halves. One half is for you, Danny Dyer,

the other half is for you, Tulisa.

In each of your halves, we have hidden three pairs

of human beings wearing exactly the same outfits.

You just need to find them and bring them down, back here.

The team who brings back their three matching pairs first wins

a massive point for their team.

-Are you ready, Danny Dyer?

-Come on, let's have it!

OK, go grab some humans!

CHEERING

Tulisa's going on a tight session.

-Danny Dyer...

-There you are.

Yes, hello.

-It's so difficult!

-Hello!

Danny's being quite calm.

-Tulisa.

-Blue top, blue top.

Tulisa, no idea. Danny's got one.

-Oi! Get up, come on!

-Danny's got one.

Yes, Danny Dyer.

APPLAUSE

Who's going to get back?

Tulisa makes it back first.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Oh, there's one. There's one.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Here we go.

CHEERING

CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH

LAUGHTER

I'm just playing the game, bruv, do you know what I mean?

What? OK, this is how it works.

Tulisa, you can have a point for winning.

But Danny Dyer can have a point for finding my new life partner.

LAUGHTER

Well done, teams!

And thank you for playing Snatch & Match, everybody!

OK, Danny Dyer, it says here you've been sweating about this

miniature dog, the Chihuahua.

Yeah, I got bullied into buying a Chihuahua by my daughters.

-They wanted a Teacup Chihuahua.

-They're tiny, aren't they?

There's no such thing as a Teacup Chihuahua.

What it is is the runt of the litter, right?

It's a little thing sitting in the corner, shaking,

with piss coming out its eyes.

LAUGHTER

There's a geezer over the park with a Frisbee with a big,

red setter dog, chucking his Frisbee,

the dog's catching it and all that.

And I'm walking along.

My dog's a bit cold, his jumper ain't thick enough.

LAUGHTER

Has he got a name?

It's called...Dodger.

LAUGHTER

We looked after my friend's the other day.

It did not know its own name.

It was just like...

LAUGHTER

It just does that all day. It's like,

what's the point? It's just like...

They're so stupid.

Right, it's time now for The Big, Little Question.

We asked our viewers the biggest little question

that we've been sweating about this week, which was

what is the most embarrassing thing your parents do?

The public said the most embarrassing thing that parents do

was to try and act cool.

What I thought I'd do, cos my mum and dad were quite embarrassing when I was a kid,

I thought I'd dedicate my adult life to embarrassing them now.

That's why I chose this career.

And also, if you would like to witness exhibit A,

this is me and my father enjoying Christmas Day.

I thought when my dad was watching television,

he'd like me to wear a turban and pull my boxer shorts into a thong.

One of the things that really annoys me is

when my parents tell all sorts of embarrassing facts and stories,

you know, to like a roomful of people. That's embarrassing.

Which leads me onto our next game -

the Rickie And Melvin's Parents Have Secretly Given Us

Embarrassing Facts About Rickie And Melvin Without Them Knowing game.

-Yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a catchy title.

OK, teams, we have secretly got in touch with

Rickie and Melvin's parents who, it turns out,

were more than happy to tell us all sorts of stuff about them.

All sorts of embarrassing stuff.

I'm going to read out some of those facts about our team captains.

Guess which one is correct and you'll win a point for your team.

Rickie's team, you'll answer questions about Melvin.

Melvin's team, you'll be answering questions about Rickie.

Melvin's team are up first.

Question one -

what was Rickie's favourite item of clothing at school?

Did he like A, a turquoise shell suit? B, a Burberry shirt?

Or C, a leather waistcoat?

I think I know this! I think it was a Burberry shirt.

Did he ever rock a leather waistcoat?

Not that I can remember. I pray that he did!

What are you going to go for?

I can definitely remember a Burberry something.

You saying Burberry, yeah?

And he wore it all through uni for any special occasion.

OK, they're saying, B, a Burberry shirt.

APPLAUSE

-Why would she do this to me?

-Look at that picture.

-Look at the earrings!

I look like something from Pirates Of The Caribbean.

We also have a picture of option C.

If you'd gone for that, you would have got that correct.

Let's see the leather waistcoat.

You look amazing!

Right, one for you, Rickie's team.

When Melvin got into fights at school,

he was too small and wimpy to stand up for himself. No shit!

LAUGHTER

But who did he get to fight his battles on his behalf?

Did he go for option A, his dog? Option B, his mum?

Or option C, his little sister?

-His sister does fight a lot of his battles for him.

-Does she?

-Yeah.

Well, he said that when they used to have sibling fights,

-she'd beat him up a lot of the time.

-But a mum is very powerful.

A mum's a powerful weapon.

Like, my daughter is nearly four and when she goes to big-girl school

I'm very scared of bullying, but I have a plan.

See, if anyone bullies my daughter, I will sleep with the bully's dad.

LAUGHTER

You don't like having two birthdays?

You don't like being in the car for two hours

visiting your parents, they're split up?

Maybe you shouldn't have bullied my child.

You bully my child, I'll have sex with your dad.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it, I'll do it.

-Rickie's team, are we going for A, B, or C?

-I've got no idea.

-He didn't have a dog, so it's not a dog.

-Mum or sister?

I'm going to say...

-I'm going to say his mum.

-You think mum?

OK, they're saying B, mum.

No, it is his sister. There they are.

Look at her, she'd take on anyone!

She's called The Destroyer!

Right, let's have one for you, Melvin's team.

When Rickie was 16, his mum caught in the kitchen

with his first girlfriend,

but what were they doing in that kitchen?

Were they A, snogging with a little bit of touching?

B, playing conkers?

C, eating jam on toast?

Rickie is a good son, so...

What do you think, Danny?

He wouldn't be playing conkers, would he?

I'd be worried if he was.

-But the thing is...

-Tonguing her.

-Tonguing her?

Rickie taught me everything I know. So I think...

-You think so?

-I think he was probably just kissing

and he thinks in his head that Mum didn't see, but he got caught.

It's actually eating toast.

Right, for you guys, when Melvin was nine years old,

he performed a rap at school to his entire school assembly.

But what was the rap about?

A, boobs?

B, STDs?

Or C, chicken and chips?

What did he go for?

-It's got to be chicken and chips.

-You're saying chicken and chips.

It's all he ever talks about to this very day.

You think chicken and chips? That's absolutely incorrect.

He performed a rap about what, Melvin?

It was called Go See The Doctor.

LAUGHTER

-What was it about, Melvin?

-It was about an STD.

But the thing is, I can't remember...

You can't remember the words?

Don't worry, we've got a printout here.

Take it as a hymn sheet if you want.

We can recreate this magic right now. Can I have a beat?

Who can make a beat?

KATHERINE BEAT-BOXES BADLY

RAPS: Three days later I go see the doctor

I was walking down the street, I was rocking my beat

Clapping my hands and stomping my feet

I saw a little lady so neat and petite

So sweet that I wanted to meet

So I asked this lady could I take her out

We could wine and dine and talk about

The birds and the bees in my waterbed

We continued to talk and before we knew it

We were at my house and it was time to do it

As soon as I finished I lost my poise

I ran outside and told all my boys

I said, listen up, fellas Come over here and bust it

LAUGHTER

Do it in Ghanaian!

They said, Did you get it? I said, Yeah. Hey, how was it?

# Go see the doctor. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think it's a really nice rap for any child.

It was educational at the time.

Thank you for playing the Rickie And Melvin's Parents

Have Secretly Given Us Embarrassing Facts About Rickie And Melvin

Without Them Knowing game. Good game.

APPLAUSE

Time now for The Sweatbox, where you get

to actually help members of this very audience

who will tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

You do your best to help them out with advice and whichever team

they decide has given them the most help will get the point.

Are we ready?

-MELVIN:

-Yes!

Yeah. Who's in The Sweatbox, please?

-I'm Jordan.

-Hi, Jordan. What is your Sweat?

Basically, my eyebrows are out of control.

LAUGHTER

What do you mean? They are quite big.

I had an ex and she plucked them really badly, so it was well thin,

so I had to go through a stage where I had to grow them.

So I went about six months without plucking them or anything

and it was basically just like a monobrow.

I got them waxed for my first time ever just about two months ago

and now I go two times a month just to get them waxed,

and it really hurts.

I can tell. They're very shaped.

So, basically, they were normal, then they went small,

then now they're out of control and constantly growing on your face.

-They won't stop growing.

-You've got Delevingne-itis.

That's what you've got. A serious problem.

Do you have a nickname for your eyebrows?

I get called Slug, Caterpillar Boy, Mars Bars.

ROCHELLE: You speak like...

-Joey Essex.

-Joey Essex.

-Yeah, he does.

That's not a good thing.

LAUGHTER

He really sounds like him!

Danny, what advice have you got in male grooming?

Do you have any views about eyebrow plucking and things?

I mean, they are proper eyebrows, aren't they?

LAUGHTER

-Are they quite heavy on the face?

-Yeah, they stop the sweat as well.

-That's good.

-Why don't you just leave them? You look like a proper geezer.

-But I get the middle bit.

-Don't pluck them.

I don't know why you let your bird pluck your eyebrows.

Babe, get the fuck away from me with your fucking...

-Tweezers.

-Tweezers.

LAUGHTER

I would say maybe don't make them look as groomed as they are now.

Maybe just pluck the centre, so you don't go full Gallagher.

And does it happen quite quick overnight?

Well, this was about a week ago now.

Cos sometimes I to go to bed normal and when I wake up in the morning

I look like Noel Gallagher, it's just joined overnight.

-It's really quick.

-So do you pluck them?

I have to pluck the middle there, but literally twice a year.

But it will be normal, I'll go to bed tonight...

It could be tomorrow, I never know when it is.

I wake up tomorrow and it's full and I'm like, "Urgh!"

And you get rid of it and it's gone for ages,

but it always creeps up on you.

Just leave it, just leave it alone, you know what I mean?

Why don't you wear snowboarding goggles 24/7?

Shall we see what you look like without eyebrows?

We did this before to everyone else. There you are normally.

Let's see what you look like without the eyebrows cos this could be...

LAUGHTER

No, you need your eyebrows.

Shave them off, I say, look like that.

No, you look good. You know, I'm from Canada.

It's animalistic, your look. I love a bear.

You could dive into my river like the salmon were migrating.

LAUGHTER

I'm loving it, don't change a thing.

-Do you have any other advice?

-I do.

-OK, so you are obviously unhappy with them?

-Yeah.

There are a number of treatments you can use to deal with them.

Apparently, threading your eyebrows is a lot better than waxing,

so it prevents it coming back as quick.

Also, the strongest form of treatment you can do is laser.

-Go on, T!

-Oh, my God, are you a doctor? That was amazing!

Hashtag just sayin'.

Are you going to go for the sensible option of advice from Tulisa

or Melvin's option of wearing ski goggles?

-I think I'll go for Rickie's team.

-Rickie's team, a point for you guys!

APPLAUSE

Who's next in The Sweatbox?

-Hello, I'm Georgina.

-Hi, Georgina!

-Hi.

-What is your Sweat?

Well, someone did a poo in my kettle and boiled it.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Basically, we had a house party for my birthday

and someone did a poo in the kettle and boiled it.

-ROCHELLE: How did you know?

-How did you find it?

GEORGINA: Because it boiled everywhere.

It stunk the whole house.

Oh, my God. Danny. Any advice for Georgina here?

You've got to find out who it is and then go round to their house

and shit all over their fucking carpet.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You don't know who done it?

We reckon it's one of three people, but what do you say?

"Did you poo in my kettle?"

LAUGHTER

Yes! I would be offended, though, if I woke up hungover,

say one Sunday afternoon, I got a call from Georgina.

"Hiya, rough today." "Did you poo in my kettle?!"

LAUGHTER

-MELVIN:

-Do you think they were trying to make Ass-am tea?

Or CRAP-uccino?

LAUGHTER

Georgina, have you still got the kettle?

Err... No.

-ROCHELLE: No, you were going to say...

-She has!

-You have, haven't you?

-Terrible!

People round at your house like...

"Is this milk off?"

Guys over here, what would we do?

All right, I think, first of all, you've got to find out who it is

and then what you do is you go round their house

and you piss in their vodka and Red Bull.

LAUGHTER

So, both great options. Who are you going for?

GEORGINA: That team.

-You're going for Team Rickie?

-Yes.

OK, another point for your team.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Georgina.

That is so bad!

And that was the final round

and I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

Rickie's team!

APPLAUSE

A big thank you to Rickie, Tulisa, Katherine Ryan, Melvin,

Rochelle and Danny Dyer.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff, I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd