Episode 6 Sweat the Small Stuff: Extra Sweaty

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Nick Grimshaw

and this is Sweat The Small Stuff: Extra Sweaty! Yeah!

Hello, everyone. Yes, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes a big deal about the little things in life.

Cos those little things really aren't worth sweating about

but I cannot do it alone, so let's meet our team captains.

They are kind of like an urban Chuckle Brothers, if you will,

and presenters of the radio show I would listen to

if I wasn't on the radio at the exact same time.

They are my rivals.

It's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin O'Doom.

CHEERING

-Hi.

-Hi, Grimmy.

On Rickie's team this evening are one of the biggest

boy bands in the country, who are sweating it because One Direction

threatened to kick the shit out of them for nicking their fans,

their hairstyles, their stylist, their tattoo artists, their youth

and their bromances.

It's Union J.

CHEERING

Hi, Union J.

And joining them,

an award-winning comedian who is sweating it in case I reveal

the award was actually for a half-a-mile fun run when he was 11.

It's Chris Ramsey.

CHEERING

And over on Melvin's team, we have super posh star

of the BAFTA-winning Made In Chelsea who is sweating it

because he is still not convinced the right show actually won

that BAFTA mainly because his award says "Made In China".

It's Jamie Laing.

CHEERING

When Rochelle left to have a baby, I said to the producers,

"Why don't we get someone really, really different to fill her shoes?

"Let's think outside of the box. Come on, it's BBC Three, it's edgy.

"Do something unexpected,

"innovative, left-field, really out there."

So who have they come up with?

Yeah, they booked the other pregnant person in The Saturdays.

It's Frankie Sandford, everybody.

CHEERING

-Have you seen the little baby yet?

-I have.

-How is the little baby?

-She is gorgeous.

-How small? This small?

-She's tiny.

She is so small. Like Bruno Mars size. Very small.

-Are you excited about having yours?

-Yeah.

Does seeing the baby make you more excited or more fearful?

-More fearful.

-Really? Cool.

I was like, "OK, so there is actually a baby at the end of this.

"Right, OK. Wayne, we need to prepare for this."

-So you are having it with Wayne Bridge, the footballer.

-Yeah.

Yeah, there they are. I mean, look at that couple.

-CHEERING

-That's some good genes there.

But sometimes you can have

good genes and it can go terribly wrong, can't it?

What would you do if it was really ugly?

I'd be like, "Put it back in, it's not finished yet."

-Well, it's very nice to have you here, Frankie.

-Thanks.

Although saying that, I do miss Rochelle.

When Rochelle is not here, I just feel like, I don't know, I just can't go on.

Oh, Grimmy!

SAD MUSIC

-It's like she's dead.

-She is, to BBC Three.

-She said, "I love you."

-Even though we all probably think

we prefer Rochelle to you, Frankie, we should give you a chance

in a game I like to call We Prefer Rochelle To Frankie.

Or do we?

Right, the way this will work is that I will give you

some examples of the things that Rochelle has done

and some of the things Frankie has done,

but you don't know which was done by which Saturday.

I will then reveal who it was,

therefore proving finally who we like better, Rochelle or Frankie.

-OK, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Question one, who has the cuter pet?

That's a really unfortunate picture.

A looks like it would hump the shit out of your leg.

A looks like an actual dog.

B looks like someone's put an ear on a cock.

-We are going with B, I reckon.

-What?!

What?! It looks like a penis!

It doesn't look great.

It's definitely not cuter than A. It's 100 percent not cuter than A.

It looks like Dr Evil on a stag night.

-It's winking at you.

-What do you think, A or B?

I think A is real cute, but B is like a rude boy, like, "Alright, blud?

"You alright, though, yeah, yeah.

"I'm getting walked today, blud."

I think it's got a good personality it's all about personality.

-Let's go for B?

-You are both saying B?

-Yes.

-Whose dog is that, Frankie?

It's mine.

Well done. In your face, Rochelle!

Who is the better singer?

Do we prefer...do we prefer A?

# When I'm with you, baby... #

Or do we prefer B?

# We slip and slide as we fall in love... #

-You guys are singers, who do you prefer?

-Awkward cos she's there.

-Me and Frankie have very similar hair.

-What do you reckon?

-I trust the singers, we are going for A.

-A.

We discussed this. We prefer the vibrato of A.

-The key change was better.

-But we prefer the resonance of B.

-It's quite a hard one.

-Jamie, what do you think?

I think resonance.

-Rickie's team, you prefer?

-A.

Frankie. And you prefer Rochelle.

Ooh!

Who has now the best partner?

Do we prefer A's partner's bum?

Or do we prefer B's partner's bum?

Jamie, whose bottom do you prefer?

I like a bum in jeans and I like a bum in shorts, so it's tricky.

-What do you think, bro?

-There's more perkiness in B.

I can't tell if that's just a low-slung trouser

or an extremely perky bottom.

It looks like there's a wet patch as well.

It looks like someone's wee'd themselves.

B has been doing some work. B is working hard.

Whose bottom do you like best?

This is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Can we get the phallic dog back on please?

A is nice and firm.

I'd rather fall asleep on B's, but I'd rather bite A.

LAUGHTER

Does that make sense? "Oh, you little...!"

I think we are going to go with B on that.

They are saying B is the better bum.

Let's find out whose bottom that is.

Wayne Bridge's bottom. Well done.

We've decided that everybody here prefers Frankie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The big loser, Rochelle.

Just give her the Vs on camera five.

Union J are here, everybody. Look at this.

CHEERING

How's this going to work? Is this going to be chaos?

-It's a lot of people, right.

-It's a lot of people. A lot of hair.

It says some of the things that have been making you sweat is

-awkward handshakes.

-Yes. I'm really not cool. Not down with the kids.

-We know.

-Yeah, thanks, man.

You know when you meet somebody really cool like you guys

-and maybe go for a fist pump?

-Yes.

-And I'm like, like...

I go to shake a hand and then you end up holding their fist.

And then it sort of like goes on for a long time

and it's just really awkward.

I was doing a gig the other week and some guy did an amazing one to me.

Go to fist pump. Just, yeah,

get the other hand so we can do it straight on. Are you ready for this?

Right, go.

Snail.

LAUGHTER

I hate snails.

Did you ever have a secret handshake? I can imagine Rickie and Melvin having...

-We had a dance, but not a secret handshake.

-Do the dance!

-Do you remember it?

-What, the short and curlies?

-Yeah.

-Course you can.

Good, let's do this.

Right, you can do it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Legs.

APPLAUSE

-OK, teams, are we ready for round one?

-ALL: Yes.

OK, let's do this. I'm going to give

both teams a clue as to something that I had been sweating about.

If you guess what it is,

you win a point for your team. There are some pictures here.

What is it about this that I've been sweating about?

Oh, Golden Balls there with

"Rochelle Is The Best" on his stomach. That's just his views,

not ours. Rihanna there.

"Rochelle is my number one."

Josh, look at that.

-FRANKIE:

-That suits you.

-You look good with a tattoo, mate.

A nice, big tattoo there.

What is it about this gallery that's been doing my head in?

It's got to be that you're just ridiculously missing Rochelle.

No, I'm not missing her that much.

LAUGHTER

Is it cos you're upset that it was meant to say "Frankie"

-on all of them?

-Yes, they spelt it wrong.

-Do you just hate tattoos?

-No, I don't hate tattoos.

-Too many on celebrities.

-Close.

-Stupid tattoos.

-It's kind of a mixture of the two.

-Too many on celebrities.

-Stupid celebrity tattoos!

Boom. Yes, a point for your team.

Jamie, talk to me about yours. Look, there he is.

-Who is that, Jamie, who is that?

-It's Peter Pan.

LAUGHTER

-Not just Peter Pan. Peter Pan's shadow.

-Peter Pan's shadow.

So, I Google Imaged Peter Pan and that came up so I got it.

-Jaymi has got, like, 17.

-How many have you got? You have got a lot.

-17 tattoos?

-Yeah.

-How many have you got between you, do you reckon?

-Cos you have got quite a lot up there.

-Yeah, I've got one, two.

-Who is that lady?

-They said it looks like Jesus.

It's supposed to be an angel.

The cards kind of represent Vegas for when we got through.

The horses cos I used to be a jockey and the music rose

-because obviously I'm in music.

-The music rose?

-Well, yeah,

it's like a music sheet kind of crunched up into a music rose.

That could be anything. A-levels.

So what we have been trying to do is find the nicest celebrity tattoo.

It turns out there wasn't one.

So instead we thought we would look at people

who got tattoos of celebrities.

Not copying celebrity tattoos

but actual portraits of celebrities tattooed on their bodies forever.

Which leads us to our next game

Tattoo Have You Got On You?

OK, teams, I am going to bring on some people who have been

tattooed with some of our most-loved celebrity faces. This is incredible.

Guess who they have permanently inked on their bodies for life

and you win a point for your team.

OK, let's have our first tattooed human, please.

CHEERING

-Hello.

-How are you, buddy?

-I'm very good. How are you?

-All right.

-Pukka, thank you.

-Who do you think this man has tattooed on him?

We'll give you six names. Out of these six,

which two does he have tattooed upon him? Is it...

Name me two names, Melvin's team.

THEY CONFER

We are going to say the Queen. The Queen and Bruce Forsyth.

They're saying the Queen and Bruce Forsyth over here. What do we think?

-We reckon Justin Bieber is definitely one.

-Justin Bieber.

-Have you...?

Have you been eating Pandora bracelets?

LAUGHTER

I can cut this off. You'll always be ugly.

CHEERING

So you're saying Justin Bieber and who?

Justin Bieber and Lorraine Kelly, we are saying.

And you're saying the Queen and Bruce Forsyth.

Can we reveal your celebrity tattoos, please?

-Gordon Ramsay.

-Gordon Ramsay!

And up there, Lorraine.

APPLAUSE

-I love Lorraine on your thigh.

-Brilliant.

It makes my thighs look so boring. Oh, Lorraine. Why?

-I just think she's a brilliant ambassador.

-She is, isn't she?

-Yeah, fantastic.

-She is really good. And why Gordon?

Was it extra money to get all them wrinkles in?

-I got it and now he's had them taken out.

-Has he had them out?

Yeah, bastard. Oh!

LAUGHTER

Sorry, sorry.

That's OK. You're welcome. Thank you so much.

CHEERING

Rickie, you get a point for your team.

OK, let's have our next tattooed human on the stage, please.

APPLAUSE

-Hi. Hello. How are you?

-Not bad.

-You have a celebrity tattooed upon your body.

-Yeah.

Could we have a twirl so everyone can see you?

OK, this man here, who does he have tattooed upon his body? Is it...

I mean, all great options but who would he have gone for?

Josh, who do you reckon he would have gone for?

I'm, at the moment, going for Lord Alan Sugar under a rainbow.

I don't know, he looks like a bright, colourful man.

-What do you think? A, B or C?

-Margaret Thatcher.

Margaret Thatcher in an ice cream over here. What do you think?

I think Margaret Thatcher for the sort of irony of it.

You are both going Thatcher? They're both saying

Margaret Thatcher in an ice cream cone.

Can we reveal your tattoo? Is it Thatcher in an ice cream cone?

It is...

Margaret Thatcher!

CHEERING

Cheers for that, man.

-Can I ask a question?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-For a tribute and I love Mr Whippy ice cream.

-Well, there you go.

-Oh, perfect.

-Thank you so much.

-I've got one more thing I need to show you.

-OK.

-Just before.

-OK.

-You might, whatever, but...

-OK.

-Here you go. Look.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God, that's cool. Wow.

That's intense.

Wow. Is that real? Is that actually a real tattoo?

-Yeah, mate, yeah.

-Oh, my God.

-When did you do it?

-I did it last night.

-Last night?

-My face and Margaret Thatcher on his calves.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I love it. OK, that's amazing.

-OK?

-What is your name?

-Lewis.

-Thank you, Lewis.

Thank you Lewis. Lewis, everybody.

APPLAUSE

-Let's have our next tattooed person, please.

-Oh, wow.

APPLAUSE

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Who do they think this man has tattooed upon him?

Give us a little turn, little spin around. OK. There's tattoos there.

But who does he have tattooed upon him? Is it...

Who do they think, Rickie's team?

Yeah, we like the quiff. Little quiff going on.

-You are a Killers kind of guy.

-You think C?

-We are going to go C.

Over here, what are we saying?

-He looks like a killer.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

You are scaring us, bro.

But Jamie did point out that he has got dancing shoes on

-so we are going to say Michael Ball.

-You will say Michael Ball.

You're saying C - Brandon Flowers.

I can reveal that this man has upon his body...

He has absolutely all of them.

CHEERING

He has tattooed on his body all these names.

Colin Farrell, the drummer from Franz Ferdinand...

-The drummer!

-..the singer, the guitarist, the bass player,

Kelly Jones, The Edge from U2,

Someone he can't remember the name of,

Brandon Flowers, the singer from The Hives,

a picture of a famous man he found online,

Kevin Pietersen, Mark Ronson, Adam Levine, Justin Theroux,

Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey, Johnny Depp, Michael Ball,

Mark Lamarr, Jack Dee, Stephen Baldwin,

Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys, Freddie Ljungberg, Eric Hymen,

Yonah Griffiths...? Who's that?

And probably more as he can't remember who some of them are.

A round of applause for my favourite guy of all time.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. That's incredible.

Wow. Thank you, teams, for playing Tattoo Have You Got On You?

APPLAUSE

We should probably talk about the things that have been

annoying you, have been making you sweat.

-You have got a phobia, almost, of tomato ketchup.

-Yeah.

-It's just horrible, isn't it? Everyone seems to like it.

-Catch.

-Oh, don't!

-What about if you ate some for a point for your team?

No. I really... Oh, don't.

-LAUGHTER

-It would be worse...

No, I'll do anything else. No. Even the use of the word condiment - ugh!

-Why?

-If you ask me, I think

The Saturdays need to start learning to use condiments, love.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Jamie, I heard one of the things you've been

-sweating about is the beautiful ocean.

-I hate the sea.

I do. I hate the sea.

I hate the sea cos I don't think anyone should be in it.

-You shouldn't be in it.

-What, what?

-You came from it.

-You evolved out of the sea.

-I never came from the sea.

I mean, I don't think anyone around your area...

I think everyone just wanked into some hummus

and you all just popped out.

No, I'm scared of the sea. I'm scared of sharks, jellyfish.

I also don't like wearing goggles. I don't like it.

-Yeah, I don't like having stuff on my face.

-Yeah, anything on my face.

LAUGHTER

Cool audience tonight.

So I can kind of agree with you on that one.

-It's like stuff in your mouth, stuff on your face.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Now for round two. This week, it's based on something we found out about you, Jamie.

Where exactly did you lose your virginity?

Er, I lost mine in a bush.

In a bush!

A lady bush?

-No, it was like a bush and a bush. There were two bushes.

-Double bush.

It was romantic, though, it was romantic.

Tell me how it was romantic, pounding someone in a bush.

It was romantic. We were drunk, there were candles.

-Candles in a bush?

-Yeah.

-Risky.

-Candles and like...

-Do it quick, we're going to catch fire.

It was in the moonlight.

The fact that Jamie lost his virginity in a bush got us sweating about outdoor sex

and we found this very tiny story

that says over half of Brits have done it in the great outdoors.

We thought we'd put this to the test and rounded up some people

and asked them, "Have you ever done it in a park?"

The way this works is we'll see the person swear on this -

the quiff of me. Oop!

A bit embarrassing.

Sorry about that.

All you have to do is decide

if the people in the clips have indeed done it in a park.

If they've porked in a park, basically.

Has anyone done it in a park?

Hasn't everyone done it outdoors?

Do you think this is normal, Rickie?

If you haven't done it outside, you haven't lived.

Have any of you done it outside?

-I did it on a pool table.

-That's quite weird.

It wasn't in a pool hall?

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-Let's go for it!

-A BBC2 snooker tournament.

Wahey!

So, teams, do you think you can tell,

just by looking at somebody's face,

whether or not they've done it outside?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Do you reckon?

We'll start over here with Rickie's team. Let's have the first person.

Hi, I'm Tom, and on the quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the truth.

Have you ever had sex in a park?

LAUGHS

Audience?

I mean, he's basically saying yes already.

If you zoom out, he's actually got no pants on.

What are we saying? It's a big yes?

He's grinning, he's remembering it now.

They're saying yes. Let's find out.

-Yes.

-When?

Er, a couple of years ago.

LAUGHS

With a really attractive woman, so that was brilliant.

That was a wank. He had a wank.

He played that up far too much.

"With a girl, she had long hair, she was rich, she could fly."

Let's do one for your team. Let's have this next person, please.

Have they done it in a park?

On the quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever had sex in a park?

Yeah!

What do we think, Melvin's team? Jamie, Frankie, what d'you reckon?

I'm not sure he looks...

-He looks a little bit disgusted.

-No, he's thinking, he's thinking.

I think he's thinking back to all those great times

in all the parks across Europe.

I don't think so, I don't think so.

I don't. The other one looked down like he had something to hide.

-This one is a bit more like...

-He's looking up.

-You KNOW when you've had sex in the park.

-Yeah.

-You don't have to think. "Did I?"

-It's a straight answer - yes!

THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

-Yes!

-So we're going to say no.

You're saying no. They're saying no. Did he?

Yes. I did.

Who with?

Er, with an ex-girlfriend, actually.

We didn't have a place to,

and we actually got a little bit...

I don't know...carried away.

LAUGHTER

They didn't have a place to.

That was a very sad story.

I thought he was going to whip the condom out at one point.

"Used this - still got it."

Let's have another one for your team.

What do we think about this person?

Hello, my name is Anya, and on the quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the truth.

Have you ever had sex in a park?

No.

Not with teeth like them.

-No.

-No.

-What do we reckon?

Yes or no, Rickie, you're in charge.

I'm going to say yes. D'you reckon yes?

We're going to say yes.

Yes, she got up to mischief in the park.

Let's find out. Did she?

Unfortunately, no.

I'm working on it, though.

LAUGHTER

Working on it?

-She's working on it.

-She's giving it away, isn't she?

She's giving it away, but no-one's up for it. Jamie?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

OK, let's bring her out...

No, just kidding.

Right, let's do one for your team, let's have this next person.

Have they done it in a park?

Hi, my name is Mo. On the quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever had sex in a park?

LAUGHTER

What a face!

It was the way that he licked his lips.

I think he had sex in the park YESTERDAY.

-You reckon, yes?

-Yeah.

-You think so?

-You're a professional, you should know.

I think he's about to say, "Not yet."

-I think not yet.

-And Frankie, you were saying...

He looks like the kind of guy,

even if he hadn't, he'd be, like, "Yeah. Yeah, loads."

-So what are we saying?

-What do you think?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-They're all, like, "Yes."

-OK, let's say yes.

Being bullied by the audience into saying yes.

Hmm, think about that one.

No.

Not yet, anyway.

Although to be fair, close.

He'd love to try.

Thank you all for playing On the Quiff of Grimmy.

OK, time now for

Rickie & Melvin: The Challenges.

Once again, I have sent out

our intrepid team captains to the big, bad world

to basically embarrass themselves

in an attempt to win a massive one point for their teams.

This week's sweat is one of Frankie's own sweats.

What is that sweat?

You know just that awkward awkwardness of being

in a small space with someone? Like a lift.

You get in or you're already in there, somewhere else gets in

and there's only two people in this really confined space.

Do you say something?

I think the only rule is don't fart or shit yourself.

That's a really good one.

So, I decided that we should apply a science to see

if we could turn those really awkward moments that you

absolutely hate, and pretty much everyone,

into really sweaty awkward moments by sending Rickie and Melvin

to their very own lift to interact with the Great British public.

This is Rickie & Melvin: The Challenges.

APPLAUSE

This is worth one point.

I'm bringing my A game today.

It's challenge time.

Oh, my God, I'm excited. Let's do it.

Let's make this challenge happen.

It's this way.

Ask someone what floor they want and get it wrong five times.

Which floor do you need, mate?

-P2, please.

-P2. P3?

-P2.

-This one, here.

-P1?

-No, P2.

-P4 is up there.

I'll just press both because...

It could be P4. It's a good one, that.

It's a good one.

-LIFT:

-Doors opening.

-I think it's this one.

-See you later.

-What floor do you want?

-P1.

-Lower ground?

-P1.

-Four?

-This is going up.

Oh, three. You want two?

-Oh, you want one.

-One, yeah.

-You want one?

-Yeah.

-Not ground floor then?

-No.

-Oh, P1.

-Yeah.

Sorry.

Get someone to hold your hand. Nice one.

This lift goes fast, by the way. It's a fast one.

I'm completely scared of lifts.

-Could you hold my hand?

-No.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Invade somebody's personal space. Stand no less than one foot away.

What?

Announce that you have farted

and get someone to step away from the danger zone.

Ooh! Oh, sugar.

I just farted.

Ugh!

I would... You might want to go over there.

It smells a little bit like egg mixing with broccoli. Oh, man.

Can you not smell that? It stinks.

Oh, no. Sorry. I've had a lot of bacon today.

You might want to move. It's an eggy one. Sorry, guys.

It's a strong one today.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Melvin. A point for your team. You were victorious.

CHEERING

That was a rough challenge.

-Hi, Chris Ramsey.

-Hello.

-What's been making YOU sweat?

I heard, like, festivals on the radio.

Festivals on the radio.

-Which is all I've talked about for eight weeks.

-Yeah.

When there's a festival going on, I don't go for a reason, cos I don't want to go.

I try and turn the radio on to listen to yourself or anyone, and it's, like,

"Hey, guys, you missed it - don't worry, we're going to play it ALL WEEK for you."

Aw, shit, man.

I understand being at a festival, I understand liking it, but if you're not there,

you shouldn't have to suffer the stuff that you're putting up with

just for being there. I don't want to hear the out-of-breath singers.

They let the crowd sing for half of it!

You don't go to a doctor and look at HIS prostate!

I'm sitting there listening. "Jump! Jump!" I'm in the car! I will crash!

I don't need the festival experience.

Just play the normal song, that's in key and works and it's in time.

I don't want to hear the...cr-r-r-r...

"I'm Nick Grimshaw. If you missed Glastonbury, text in, we'll give you the full experience.

"We'll come and hoy a cup of piss through your car window."

LAUGHTER

OK, it's time for another sweat now

and this was one lots of our viewers have been sweating about.

It really bothered a lot of people. It got really people...

DANCE MUSIC

What is that? Right, shut up your racket.

OK, what was it about that that our good viewers have been

sweating about? By the way, that was acting.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Is it people who don't know how to use brooms?

-Was that not right? No.

-Is that not how you do it?

-No, you push it.

Oh, I thought they were for banging.

-Is it living next door to a nightclub?

-No, it was not that.

-Bands?

-Not noisy neighbours. Not a band.

Nearly there with noisy neighbours but something specific.

Oh, um...um...

-Yes!

-Thin walls.

-Arm! Arm things!

-Thin walls.

Thin walls is absolutely correct. Boom.

APPLAUSE

Our viewers have been getting all angry and sweaty about thin walls

and their repercussions so you win a point for your team.

Well done, Frankie and Melvin and Jamie. Do you live together?

-Me and Jaymi live together.

-We are in the same kind of complex.

Do you ever hear anything you shouldn't, JJ, from Jaymi's room

-or vice versa?

-I literally stay in my bedroom.

-I don't use the house. I don't socialise.

-What have you heard?

-Oh, he has as well, actually, yes.

-I will re-enact what I heard.

Ah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

On my life. On my life. That was exactly how long it lasted.

I thought we would see how good our teams are at identifying noisy

neighbours' noises as we play

What The Hell Are They Doing In There?

APPLAUSE

OK.

The way this is going to work, it is one person from each team will be

the eavesdropper whilst the other two

will be making mysterious noises.

You just have to guess exactly what the hell they're

doing in there and win a point for your team.

Melvin's team, you're going to play first.

Come over here, Melvin's team.

Hi, Melvin's team.

OK, Melvin, who is going to be your eavesdropper?

-Who do you want to go next door?

-Frankie.

Frankie, come into my lounge.

-I think I feel safer over this side.

-I think you should stay over here.

-Look, there's a fire.

-OK, are you ready to make a noise?

-Yeah.

OK, let me get your props. Hang on. Here we go.

-Hard, isn't it?

-OK, Frankie, have you got your glass?

-My glass?

-So you can listen to the wall?

-Oh.

-Thin wall.

-Does it go this way?

Yes!

Fucking hell.

Rochelle would figure that out.

-Frankie, are you ready, then?

-Yes.

-What the hell is going on in here?

THEY SLURP

That's making me gag.

Are you eating ice creams?

Come and have a look, Frankie.

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

-OK, are you ready for your second noise? Frankie, are you ready?

-Yeah.

You two, get ready to make some noise.

LAUGHTER

OK, hold onto that. I'll join Frankie in our lounge.

Put your glass on and let's have a listen.

-Frankie, think about it.

-Are you trying to hear through me?

Oh! Oh, yeah! That's it.

You and Wayne would probably not do this.

Because you would hate it.

-Oh! Oh! Is it ketchup?

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

It reminds me of, like, dirty, little children

with it round their mouth.

LAUGHTER

-Dirty, little children?

-I can smell it!

You need to go to therapy, Frankie. Thank you, Melvin's team, everybody.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Rickie's team, come and join me in my house.

Get over here. Yes, Rickie. Who are you having from Union J?

It's going to be Josh and Jaymi, I think.

-OK.

-Where are we going? The other side?

-Rickie, who is going to be your eavesdropper?

-Chris?

OK, Chris, if you would like to go into the living room area.

-Look at that.

-Isn't this nice?

-Oh, man, this is actually my house.

OK, Chris, you stay in the lounge there.

-Rickie's team, are you ready to make some noise?

-Yes.

OK, I'm going to get your first noise-making prop.

-Do you want a hand, my love?

-Yeah, I hurt myself.

-Is that real?

That is a real thing. Don't say what it is.

That is foul.

OK, Chris, what the hell are your team-mates doing in there?

THEY GRUNT

-Oh, yeah! Oh!

-Chris, what the hell is going on in there?

I don't know but they're sounding really happy about it.

-I think they liked it.

-There was a lot of slapping going on.

-Yes.

-It might have been a massage.

-You're saying massage.

-Maybe, yeah.

-Come and have a look at what they were doing.

Carry on making that noise.

They were, of course, doing a bit of pounding.

Pounding some meat. You two go over there. Let's swap Union J members.

George, JJ, come on.

Jaymi actually seems happy that we've swapped. Obviously, it's bad.

You two, go back. You two, here. OK, George, you take this.

-You hold those.

-Can I rub it really hard?

-Does it really hurt?

Don't give it away. George, just rub it.

Chris, are you listening to this?

-I'll do yours, cos you rubbed it.

-LAUGHTER

George, are you ready? JJ, ready?

No, no, no, no!

One, two, three, Go.

Aaargh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's hair!

-What the hell...?

-Some of my stuff is still on him.

-What the hell do you think is going on in there?

-I don't know.

It was awful. I don't want to play the game any more.

I want to check that they are all all right. Oh, it's...

I know what it is. It's when Union J

signed their contract with Simon Cowell.

LAUGHTER

-I don't know. I don't know.

-No idea, whatsoever? Do you want a clue?

-It's smooth. It's now smooth.

-It's now smooth.

-Oh, waxing!

-Were they getting waxed?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

He was getting his arms waxed.

OK, thank you, Rickie's team.

If you want to go back to your seats. Rickie's team, everybody.

Good work, Chris Ramsey.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, teams, for playing What The Hell Are They Doing In There?

CHEERING

OK. Right, time now for The Sweatbox, where you get

to actually help members of this very audience, who will

tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

You do your best to help them out with advice and whichever team

they decide has given them the most help will get the point.

-Everybody ready?

-Yes.

-OK, let's do this.

Who is in that Sweatbox?

-Hello.

-What's your sweat?

I have the same name as a very famous celebrity.

-Are you called Melvin, from Sweat The Small Stuff?

-No.

Why is this annoying for you,

because every time you try and do something...?

Like, if I try to ring my uni in Newcastle or try to ring taxis

or make appointments or anything, I just get hung up on.

-"There's no way that's your name."

-Whose name do we think she has?

She said Newcastle. Is it Gazza?

-No!

-Are you Cheryl Cole?

-Yes!

-She's Cheryl Cole, everybody!

APPLAUSE

That must be even harder in Newcastle, cos we've actually

got Cheryl Cole on the £1 coin in Newcastle.

You don't have pounds in Newcastle.

LAUGHTER

Don't you get any free stuff cos of your name?

No. I just get abuse. I either get hate mail or fan mail,

but mostly hate mail.

I was born with the name. She just married into it. I had it first.

APPLAUSE

Jamie, do you know who Cheryl Cole is? She's a commoner.

-I know... I have a friend called James Bond.

-No!

I think I met him.

It's not a joke. I met someone on a night out...

And his brother D'Arcy?

-What?

-No!

James and D'Arcy Bond.

James and D'Arcy Bond.

Be posher - we get it!

POSHLY: "Oh, D'Arcy."

Frankie, do you have any advice?

What can she do? This must be annoying. She's called Cheryl Cole.

I was thinking, when you said, "I met someone and said my name",

when they say, "What's your name?" are you saying the full Cheryl Cole?

-What if you just said Cheryl?

-Well, that's her name.

But they ask for your second name.

You have to say it and then they're like, "That's not your name".

-Or it's "How's Ashley?"

-I think, get a big

massive fuck-off bank loan in her name and then buy a sports car

-and everyone's a winner.

-They'll just forget about the hair...

Some real sound advice there, Jaymi(!)

-That's what I'd do.

-You should be my financial adviser.

Do you have any piece of advice?

I think, get married

or say, "Fuck off" to everyone who says that to you.

-Tell them to fuck off.

-Your options are...

From Melvin's team - get married. Tell people to fuck off.

From Rickie's team - get a bank loan in her name and buy a sports car.

I don't know which is more likely. Probably that one - Melvin.

You'll go with Melvin's team. A point for your team!

APPLAUSE

OK, who is next in that Sweatbox of ours?

-Hi, I'm Georgina and I'm addicted to gravy.

-Oh, God.

Are we talking actual gravy or is this an innuendo?

What kind of gravy is it? Because I'm a little bit of a gravy snob.

-Is it like granules?

-Oh, no, you know the liquidy-ish one?

-Yeah.

-And you sort of mix it in.

-How addicted?

Are you injecting it or are you smoking it?

LAUGHTER

Do you drink it cold? Do you drink it cold?

Um...no?

Ugh!

-You drink gravy out of a glass?

-Yeah.

You know, Georgina, I don't find it weird.

I used to get the cubes and drink it as a kid. I think it's quite nice.

No, George.

Are you really going to drink that?

-This is like heaven in a glass to me, right here.

-I want to see this.

-OK, drink gravy.

-Go on, drink it.

THEY CHANT: Drink it! Drink it!

-Oh, that is rough, man.

-Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

-Is that actual gravy? That's not actual gravy.

-Do you want some?

MELVIN: If it's real gravy...

GEORGINA: It is real gravy. I'm not kidding.

Make sure you get in the box.

Jamie and Jaymi. Oh, don't drink gravy.

That is gravy.

-I'll give you a point, if you down it.

-Five points.

Five points, if you down it.

Jamie, please.

-CHRIS:

-Jamie, she's poor! A poor girl touched it!

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Come on, Jaymi!

CHEERING

Jaymi! Jaymi! Jaymi!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Five points for Rickie's team!

CHEERING

-Any advice over here?

-Stick with what you love.

Stick with what you love? Melvin's team?

Go out with a Northern guy. They put gravy on everything.

That is unbelievable.

That's true, I'd go out with you. I drink it every morning. Mouthwash.

Who are you going to go for? Melvin or Rickie?

I have a Southern boyfriend, so it's going to have to be Rickie.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, so that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

..Rickie's team!

CHEERING

So, a big thank you to Rickie,

to Union J, Chris Ramsey, Melvin, Frankie and Jamie Laing.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I have been Nick Grimshaw.

Goodnight, everybody.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd