Episode 1 Sweat the Small Stuff

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brand-new TV show,

Sweat The Small Stuff!

Hello.

This is the show that makes a big deal about the little things

in life, because the little things really are worth sweating about.

I'm not worried about what will happen to North Korea,

I'm more worried about what will happen to Oritse's career

now that JLS have split.

I don't care how much it cost to the state to bury the Iron Lady,

I care more about the state of my ironing lady.

She's called in sick for two weeks, these shirts ain't going to iron themselves!

People say you shouldn't sweat about the small stuff

but those people are wrong, and we will prove them wrong.

Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

CHEERING

Please welcome the team captains, the urban Ant and Dec,

the hip-hop Sam and Mark, or, as they like to call themselves,

the gangster Richard and Judy.

Rickie Haywood Williams and Melvin O'Doom from Kiss FM.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hi, Rickie.

-Grimmy, how are ya?

-I'm very good, how are you?

I'm good, man. Your hair looks really good. I love the quiff.

Always a compliment - you're one of the nicest people in showbiz.

Also quite handsome.

CHEERING

Do you know you are handsome? On what scale?

Are you up there with the Bradley Coopers?

So Bradley's at the top?

Or are you down with the Melvin O'Dooms?

LAUGHTER

I am here!

Sorry. Are you the funny one?

Yes.

He's the sex pin-up, you're the sex troll!

I'll take that.

Are you a hit with the ladies?

Sometimes. Not the tall girls. I'm only five foot five in real life.

In real life?

Yeah. My media height is five six!

We have a picture of you from the Olympics. You weren't competing?

No!

-That woman - only five foot eight!

-She was cool.

Shall we meet the teams?

CHEERING

On Rickie's team is a lady who's sweating it,

because if she hears Jessie J call herself an "ar'ist" one more time

she will lose her shit. Holly Willoughby!

CHEERING

And a young comedian who has supported

the likes of Ross Noble and Jack Whitehall

and is sweating it in case they recognise their jokes tonight,

one of my favourite people, Joe Lycett.

CHEERING

On Melvin's team, a young woman who's sweating it

because a television studio in Hammersmith is no place

to have your first child, Rochelle Humes from The Saturdays!

CHEERING

And a young actor who plays Fatboy in Eastenders.

Having been nominated for best comedy performance

at the 2013 British Soap Awards, he's sweating it

because he was doing his best serious acting, Ricky Norwood!

CHEERING

Thank you, thank you.

-Hi, Ricky Norwood. Hi, Melvin! Hi, Rochelle!

-Hello!

-How are you doing?

-Good, how are you?

-You look so nice.

-You do.

-Thanks.

How is it going, having that baby inside your belly?

That's the nicest compliment I've had. Usually people just say, "Wow, you're big!"

-Will you make it through the show?

-Well, I don't know. They say any time now.

-Don't have it here, although good for ratings!

-I've got Holly, though!

On behalf of pregnant women everywhere, I kind of hate you right now.

As soon as I announced I was pregnant I was like...

I was huge, it was like I was carrying the baby in my neck.

I think it's a showbiz baby just so that you can get fat!

Time for round one, are you ready?

ALL: Yeah!

Yeah, OK! As you know, we are about the small things,

so when it comes to the news we don't care about the big headlines,

we are interested in stuff like this.

Here is a tiny news story about an app called Snapchat that

-lets you send a picture to somebody...

-WHOOPING

-They know!

-Yeah, they know!

-Then it deletes itself.

It's like Mission: Impossible but with tits. You know what this is?

I don't understand.

I send you a message on Snapchat, you could look at my dick

and then it would disappear and you would be like, bloody hell!

What if somebody takes a screenshot?

You can. It's frowned upon.

A message is sent out saying that that person tried to screengrab you.

Why do you know so much?

-"When I was on..."

-I have got Snapchat.

Have you sent rude pictures?

Once or twice. You have to send them to get them!

Welcome to my world, Grimmy.

Can you tell just by looking at people if they send dirty messages?

-Yeah.

-Definitely.

-Do you reckon?

-100%.

-100%? OK.

I've put this to the test. We rounded up some people on the street and asked them,

"Have you ever sent a dirty picture message?"

We're going to see the person swear on this, the Quiff of Me.

To tell the absolute truth and nothing but the truth.

It's a new bible for the modern age.

All you guys have to do is decide if the person has or hasn't

sent a dirty picture message. You're first, Ricky's team.

Let's begin. Here we go. First one, please.

Hi, my name is Rhian, this is my boyfriend Zahid.

We swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever send a dirty picture message?

LAUGHTER

Look at his eyes. Look at his eyes. He is remembering right now!

He has seen the picture!

He is like, "Do not say a word!

"I will hate you with my oatmeal glove!"

Are you actually in that picture just kneeling down?

Holly, what do you reckon?

I think they have. The fact that they're looking at each other

means they have sent them to each other.

If one had done it, but sent it to somebody else, they'd be, "Oh, shit."

-So was that a yes?

-I think...

Yes? Let's find out if they're dirty.

Maybe!

No. My mum's watching, in that case, no!

She is such a liar.

Now one for you, Melvin's team. Next one!

Hi. I'm Ben. I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy that

I am telling the truth, the whole truth.

Have you ever sent a dirty picture message?

-Um...

-He is very serious.

Very serious man, but is he dirty on the phone?

He looks like a killer of some kind.

I think he looks like he's got loads of whippets.

..Too many.

I think he looks like he would send them to people even if they didn't want them.

What do we think - he sends them, yes or no?

That dude is forceful, boy.

-Are you saying yes?

-Yeah, yeah.

Let's find out - is he dirty?

-Yes.

-What of?

-Cock.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Back to you, Ricky's team.

Here's one for you guys.

Hi, my name is Nina. I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever sent a dirty picture message?

-I think she has...

-You think she has?

-..because she looked up

and it is that memory recall - "Yeah, there was that one and that one."

-I think she's searching the filing cabinet of her mind.

-We're saying yes.

You're saying yes? Let's find out.

Yes.

What was it of?

I don't think it was that dirty, just, you know, me in underwear.

One for Melvin's team now.

-Right, ready to go?

-Yes.

Hi, I'm James. This is my girlfriend Lauran and we swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to always tell the truth.

Have you ever send a dirty picture message?

He is licking his lips!

Ricky, what are your thoughts?

I am looking at the smirk on that girl. As soon as it came,

there was a very slight one at the side of the mouth.

-I think she is naughty.

-Audience, what do we think? Do we think they've sent dirty messages?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Come on, look at her face!

What are we going for?

I think she is sending one now...

while he's talking.

-She's sending one.

-She's taking one!

-Dirty or no?

-Oh, yeah, man.

-Oh, yeah.

Let's find out.

No.

Yes.

What of?

I would rather not say.

Was it to James?

No.

Awkward.

High-five!

Thank you for playing on the Quiff of Grimmy, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've got a couple of my own personal sweats for you both to tackle.

These are the small things in life that I have spent way too much time worrying and sweating over.

Melvin's team, you are up first. I'm going to give you a clue

to something small that drives me crazy.

-For a point, all you have to do is guess what it is. OK?

-Yes.

What is it about this that I have been sweating over?

It is a tweet from Jessie J, that reads...

-The winky smiley?

-No, I'm a fan of a winking smiley.

-OK.

I prefer a regular smiley, but that's not it.

Is it about dreaming big?

Say if you want to just dream small, it's quite patronising.

I don't want to dream big!

I don't want to dream really small and eat chicken in my living room

and my chicken turns into a dancing woman. I don't want to dream big.

Is it weird that I find her more attractive now she's bald?

You can see more of her face.

I find her more attractive now she's on a man's body.

What is it about this that I have been sweating over?

Is it about this whole heartbeat thing?

What artists call their fans.

Absolutely correct! I have been sweating about

celebrities who name their fans. You earn point for your team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who started all this naming their fans?

-I don't know.

-Ga-ga?

Or Jesus Christ, with the Christians.

Say you are a Christian! Hashtag Christ!

Some of the names that have been given by celebrities,

you would not believe - or would you?

Let's find out as we play Namesake Or Namefake?

APPLAUSE

I am going to give you the name of a celebrity

and a name for their followers. You have to decide

whether they have really been named that by a celebrity's record label,

-or if I have made it up. Are you ready?

-(ALL) Yes!

OK. First up, Britney Spears calls her followers Spearleaders.

Namesake or Namefake?

Nice fringe, Britney.

What is it? Spearleaders?

Like a cheerleader with a spear!

I think she calls her fans something.

-She is off the wall enough to do that.

-She is batshit crazy.

Bless her.

-Let's go Namesake, for fun.

-Namesake over here.

-Ricky's team, Namesake or Namefake?

-OK, we're not too sure.

She is from an era where people didn't have Twitter followers.

-The '90s!

-But I think it's a yes.

I think they have come out to protect and defend,

and you would do that with a spear, wouldn't you?

Namesake over here.

-Namesake over here.

-Namesake. It is...

correct, Namesake!

Jedward call their followers

Jedwardians. Namesake or Namefake?

I don't think they're clever enough to come up with that.

-Jedwardians is good, though, isn't it?

-That is powerful.

-Great, man.

I reckon they don't have fans.

-Namesake or Namefake?

-I think we're going to say Namefake.

We said Fake.

You're saying fake?

Correct, it is Namefake.

APPLAUSE

The next one, Rochelle, you can't answer

because it's about you and your famousness.

Rochelle calls her followers

Ferrero Rochelles.

Namesake or Namefake?

-I really hope she does.

-I love Ferrero Rochelles.

-Are you a Ferrero Rochelle?

-I'm chocolatey, I can tell you that.

-What do you think?

-You don't think it is?

-I don't think it is either.

Go on, two against one. Namefake.

-Captain Fantastic, go on.

-Yeah, Namesake.

-You're saying Namesake?

It's Namefake, she does not call them Ferrero Rochelles!

It's a good one!

Thank you for playing Namesake or Namefake?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Ricky's team. Here is another thing I have been sweating about.

Have a look at this.

BARRY WHITE MUSIC PLAYS

HORROR FILM MUSIC

It's my face!

It's your face we are looking at? OK.

I want to try and catch it.

What is it about this I have been sweating about?

-I don't get it!

-You have schizophrenia?

You are sweating because Father Time has taken its toll on your face.

Oooh!

Father Time!

He has a good side. Like when you go,

"don't shoot me from this side because I have a good side."

Boom! Correct, Holly Willoughby.

I have been sweating about having a best side.

You win a point for your team. Well done, Holly Willoughby.

I didn't know about best sides.

I thought it was something Mariah Carey did just to be a dickhead.

It's annoying someone says I do have a better side and a bad side.

Here is my face. We are going to do some actual science.

There's my normal face. Let's do my best side.

That is the better version, before you laugh.

I like your middle tooth.

-Do you want to see my double bad side?

-Yeah.

I thought Wolverine and Ross from Friends.

-Moulded together with glue.

-Ricky, do you have a better side?

You are famed for your incredible face, wasted on the radio.

-Thank God you're on this telly show.

-I do have a best side.

It is my left side. I don't know why, I just like it more.

Shall we see it on the big screen? Look down Camera 1 for us.

There we go!

-Gorgeous!

-I look like Gollum.

Let's try Melvin. Do you have a good or bad side?

Either side is good for me.

Take what I can get, that's what I've learned in life.

-Which is your good side?

-This side.

I had chickenpox on this side.

Let's see the two good sides together.

I look like Cee Lo Green.

I'm scared to try their bad sides. Shall we do it?

Let's do two bad sides.

SQUEALING AND CHEERING

-Let's do Rochelle next.

-Oh, no!

-Yes, Rochelle!

-Which is your good side?

-This side.

-The left side.

-My left side.

-Let's find out

-if her left side is good.

-That's where I smile, I think.

-That's pretty good.

-You do look good, Rochelle.

That is your good side.

You've got really far-apart eyes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Ricky and Melvin; The Challenges.

This is where each week, I challenge our team captains,

Ricky and Melvin to take their own little sweats

into the big, bad world and this week's sweat is, gym show-offs.

Why are they so smug and annoying?

Why are you showing off in the gym? Go in, workout, don't talk to me.

I hate a gym show-off.

So, I decided to do science

to see if we could turn our lovely team captains into awful gym show-offs.

It's Ricky and Melvin; The Challenges.

This is nice.

I've brought you to the gym toilet,

because I have a challenge for you and it's all about gym show-offs.

There could be some in the gymnasium right now,

hence why we're in the toilet.

Your challenge this week is to become those people.

In the envelope, you have some tasks in there,

complete as many as possible, for a massive one point for your team.

-Just one point?

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-OK, go on.

Get out there, because I need a poo.

Come on.

I'm looking forward to this one.

Where is the gym? Is it that way?

And that's all right!

Let's do this.

Challenge someone to a race on a cross trainer.

Get someone to spot you on an embarrassingly small weight,

but still brag about it.

-People in the gym aren't as fast as me.

-Yeah.

I'd love it if we had a race, maybe.

-Do you mind spotting me?

-Right.

Whoooo! Because I'm lifting quite a lot at the moment.

LAUGHTER

HE GROWLS

You see that technique there? Real smooth, like butter.

Whip somebody with a towel.

Get some deed to rub Deep Heat into your groin!

That's impossible! I can't do that.

Sorry to disturb you, I've been doing a lot of running recently

and I think I might have pulled my groin, which is quite embarrassing.

-Is it all right if you just rub a bit of Deep Heat into my leg.

-Who? Me?

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

-It's just, it's really killing me.

Excuse me, what class have you just finished doing?

-Taekwondo.

-Check it out, high-five, high five, high-five. I'm impressed.

That's great work, great work.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Can we do it in secret?

-What? Me?

-Is that all right?

-No.

-Well, you can't, all right, no problem.

Thanks, though.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Ricky, a point for your team!

CHEERING

Yeah, that looked so painful to watch. Was that horrible?

-It was horrible.

-I'm really sorry.

How do you ask a dude, to put Deep Heat on your groin!

Right, the next round is the Big Little Question.

Last week, I asked my Radio 1 breakfast show listeners,

the biggest little question we've been sweating about all this week

and this one is a real pet hate of mine, it's men who manscape.

So, I asked the question to the great British public,

is manscaping gross? Melvin, are you aware of what manscaping is?

-Removing hair from your body.

-Yeah.

I was in your dressing room, like, about an hour ago

and you were getting your eyebrows plucked!

-I do have a monthly mono brow.

-So, you manscape yourself?

I think that's maintenance.

Manscaping, isn't that where you shave and it makes it look bigger?

The fact that we've even got this whole new name for it's like...

-It's the name that does my head in!

-Manscaping!

Anything with 'man' in, like man bag, man flu,

you've got a bag, you've got flu.

It's gone from being, like, essential maintenance

that we agree with to being highbrow art.

Let's have a look at these, this first one.

AUDIENCE: OH!

No, no!

-Wow! Look at him!

-Oh my goodness!

-See? That's what drives me mad!

-Yeah, no, that's not right.

Part of it's quite impressive, though.

Has this guy got any friends at all? Like family? Like nobody told him nothing?

-Can I just say, look how proud he is.

-Let's have the next image, shall we?

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Is that a heart? He's done a heart on his chest.

I like to think it's become, like a broken heart,

because it's got a little bit thicker in the middle there.

Teams, for that all important point,

do you think the great listeners of Radio 1

thought manscaping was a good thing or just totally gross,

-what did we think?

-Totally gross.

-Totally gross.

-Totally gross.

I mean, it's funny, but for all the wrong reasons.

It's not funny, it's appalling.

I think they're saying it's all right. Do you guys agree?

Well, let's find out what they thought.

The public did decide that manscaping was gross.

Completely gross! They said no to manscaping!

Ricky's team, you got the point, well done.

I totally agree with the public that manscaping IS gross,

so well done the public, you chose right.

And as much as I hate it, I am kind of like intrigued

and fascinated by this weird world, so I'm prepared to give it

another chance, as we play Manscape To Victory!

Rickie, who will play for your team?

-Not me!

-Mr Joe Lycett.

-Joe Lycett. And Melvin?

-Rochelle.

Joe and Rochelle, follow me over to our man-shearing pen.

APPLAUSE

You both have until the music stops

to shear your very own hairy sheep farmer.

I will award a bonus point for artistic manscaping creativity.

It's time for my new catchphrase -

hairy sheep farmers please remove your overalls!

CHEERING

It's a good catchphrase.

It is time to get manscaping.

Take it away, Rochelle is straight in there.

It's quite the artform.

You have quite a lot of hair there. Do it slowly.

-Keep it simple.

-It's not coming off.

Very aggressive, Joe. Let's see what Rochelle's doing over here.

I can see an outline. Please don't say what I think that is.

-How much are they paying?

-Joe, what the hell are you doing?

I am trying to shave a man!

Time is up.

What have you done? Talk us through this piece.

I've tried to create a bra effect.

But I got a bit carried away so I've put hair back on.

It was a regular bra

but then it became one of those that can go strapless.

Strap on, strap off, like if you're going to an event in a gown.

It's lovely. What have you done?

-Is it a dick?

-It's supposed to be you.

APPLAUSE

That was supposed to be your quiff.

-Does it look the same?

-Yes!

-Don't say yes!

Well done to Rochelle, she got a point for her team!

APPLAUSE

Time now for the sweatbox where you get to help

members of this very audience with their problems.

You have to do your best to help them out with advice.

Whoever they think gives the best advice

wins a point for their team. Are you ready?

-Are you ready?

-We're ready.

Who is first in the sweatbox?

-Hi.

-Hello.

My name's Sasha and I think my brother's dating me.

-You know that's illegal, right?

-He is not actually dating you.

He is not dating me, but if I tell you the similarities,

he might as well be.

He went to university and met a girl called Sasha,

and she is blonde and has blue eyes. Kind of flattered.

Similarities started coming out that ended up weird.

Is it only you that finds it weird or does he? Does he like it?

He's cool with it. It's not an issue for him.

She is the same dress size as me and drives the same car as me.

We have a picture of other Sasha.

-That is a little bit weird.

-That is a bit strange.

Going to have to kidnap her or something.

Get rid of her.

Have sex with your brother.

Find a boyfriend with the same name as your brother.

That's good!

APPLAUSE

Who do you want to take the advice of? Team Melvin or Team Rickie?

Melvin.

APPLAUSE

Who's next in the sweatbox?

Hi, Nick, my name's Joel

and I think I am being stalked by my dead neighbour's cat.

Have sex with your brother!

I moved into a new place in Clapham recently.

We had a lovely old lady living next door who sadly passed away

and ever since this cat has been sat on my kitchen windowsill.

You know what's happened, the woman's dead, that cat's starving.

It's the woman's cat.

That's all gone and now he's a bit hungry.

-Feed the cat.

-Or RSPCA.

RSPCA, yeah.

Kill the cat.

I was waiting for that one.

Whose advice would you go for? Kill the cat or RSPCA?

It will have to be kill the cat.

APPLAUSE

Point for Rickie's team.

That is it. I can reveal that the winners are Rickie's team.

APPLAUSE

Thanks to Rickie, Holly Willoughby, and Joe Lycett,

Melvin, Rochelle and Ricky Norwood.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff, I have been Nick Grimshaw.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd