Episode 2 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw, and this is Sweat The Small Stuff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Yes, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes a big deal about the very little things in life,

like, I don't care much about the nuclear arms situation

and that really doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is that I know nothing

about Michelle Obama's arm situation.

Have you seen her triceps? She's incredible.

Apparently, also, politicians met this week in Washington

to renew vows for peace between Israel and Palestine.

-Boring.

-LAUGHTER

Is it not more significant that Mariah Carey and her husband

met this week to renew their vows in Disneyland?

That's where you have a meeting.

LAUGHTER

I care about these things

because the little things really are worth sweating about,

but I can't do it alone, so let's meet our team captains.

Yes, they're my favourite duo - after Ashleigh and Pudsey,

Ant and Dec, Hale and Pace, Torvill and Dean, or Marks & Spencers.

From Kiss FM, it's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin Odoom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi!

-Renny!

-Hi, Rickie!

-How are you?

-I'm very good, how are you?

-I'm good, you're looking very suave today.

-I look well smart.

-I like the little pockets...

-Do you like this?

-A lady taught me how to do it before, should I demonstrate?

-Do it.

Because I did it wrong. She said, "You put it on the table

"and then you pick it up like this and you just throw it in."

LAUGHTER

A big week last week. You won the first ever episode

on the first ever series of Sweat The Small Stuff.

-I'll do it again this week.

-You think you'll win again?

-100%.

I think you might win. You look like Pharrell tonight.

-Ah, shut up.

-You do!

-Really?

-Me like Pharrell!

LAUGHTER

-Not such a big week for you though.

-No.

-Never a big week for you.

LAUGHTER

-My dad's here though.

-Where's your dad?

-Just over there.

-Hi, Dad!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Who was whistling at my dad, boy? That is raunchy, you over there.

Dad, get that number.

LAUGHTER

Let's meet the teams.

On Rickie's team this evening is a TV presenter

who is sweating it because she's currently searching

for a new co-presenter for the Xtra Factor.

-If Ollie doesn't do it, do you want to do it?

-No, I'm OK, thanks.

It's Caroline Flack!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Also joining Caroline and Rickie we have an award-winning comedian

who admits to being a bit of a binge drinker

who can never remember a thing the next day.

He's sweating it because he has absolutely no idea where he is

or how he ended up here, next to Caroline Flack AGAIN.

It's Sean Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a nice team, isn't it?

-It's a good team.

-I'm pleased with our team.

-Are you?

-Mmm.

-It's a very nice set you've got.

-It's good, isn't it?

They look a bit like, we thought, like sideways vaginas.

LAUGHTER

You have definitely never seen a vagina.

I've never seen one.

Over on Melvin's team, we have a soon-to-be mother

who's sweating it because she doesn't want her child

to follow in Marvin's footsteps and become unemployed.

She's made it to show two, it's Rochelle from the Saturdays.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

And we have, joining those two, a grime superstar,

who's sweating it in case I reveal his real name.

It's Jermaine Sinclair! Sorry...

It's Wretch 32, everybody!

APPLAUSE

-Rochelle, you're still with us.

-I have two weeks to go.

We're going to have to start carving a bit out.

It's wiped clean, this floor.

-If your waters break it's fine.

-Right.

-Have you got a mop?

-No, I don't.

I do have some things here just in case owt happens on the show today.

I've got gas and air.

I've also got, what else have I got? Hot towels.

-Right?

-Not warm, but we'll warm them up later.

-OK, perfect.

We've got a plunger, not sure if we need that.

What's that for? Oh, my goodness!

This is a big 'un.

Don't they use them, though?

Isn't that not why I've got a funny-shaped head?

-I've only got two weeks left, you're scaring me.

-Well, that's for you.

Sean Walsh, what is making you sweat all of this week?

It says here, "Returning missed calls".

Returning missed calls, this has always annoyed me. What happens,

someone calls you, your mate calls you, you miss the call,

-you call him, he misses your call.

-I hate that.

This keeps on happening, all day.

Then he calls you, you JUST miss the call, JUST,

just miss the call, call straight back,

he doesn't answer. Where the fuck have you gone?

LAUGHTER What's going on?

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

There's not been enough time

for him to put the phone back in his pocket.

You call back straight away.

All that could've happened here is you've not answered

and he's gone, "Fuck him!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's time for round one. Are you ready, teams?

ALL: Yes!

Yeah! As you know, Sweat The Small Stuff

is all about the little things in life.

When it comes to the news, we don't care about the big stories,

I am much more interested in stuff like this.

Here is a teeny, tiny news story that we found

that says the average Briton has slept with eight people.

Melvin, now how many do you think is TOO many?

The maximum I'd go for is 40.

-Melvin!

-You would have a lady that had had sex with 40 men?

Let's say if you really loved her...

-Yes, but if she's had 41, it's a no-go area.

-Yes.

-A strict cut-off point.

-40 is me maximum.

-So different for men and women.

-Isn't it? Thank you!

-Girl power!

WOMEN WHOOP AND CHEER

LAUGHTER

Teams, do you think that you can tell just by looking at someone

if they have slept with more than eight people?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-No!

-We have decided to put this to the test.

We rounded up some people on the street and asked them,

"Have you slept with more than eight people?"

The way this is going to work, we will see the person swear on...

-this.

-MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

The quiff of me!

We made them swear on this to tell the absolute truth

and all you have to do is decide if they are indeed a little bit slutty.

We start with your team, Rickie -

let's have the first potential perv, please.

Hi, my name is Chris

and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

Whoa!

-What do we think?

-I don't think he has.

-No? Why don't you think that?

-Because I think he looks a little bit shy.

-Do you think?

-He's got purple hair, Caroline!

-But that's to cover up his shyness.

-I think he's a little bit nervous.

-Sean, what do you think?

Um, I think...

There will be a girl and she'll have the same hair as him

and definitely, yes.

-So we're going yes?

-You're going for yes. Let's find out!

No, I'm a bit of a loser in that sense. I've been with...

Hmmm. Five!

So, you know... Not too bad.

ALL: Awww!

APPLAUSE

One for Melvin's team, please.

Hi, I'm Marilyn and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy that I'm going

to tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-Hm, has she?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Or hasn't she?

-What do you think in the audience?

-Yes!

-No!

I don't know.

-She's too angelic-looking. She looks too homely.

-Yes, I don't think so.

Exactly - is that her decoy?

Maybe she's a sex disguise woman!

-LAUGHTER

-We're going to say no.

You're saying no, she has not slept with more than eight people -

-let's find out, has she?

-I have not slept with eight people.

I've slept with two people. Three people! I forgot a person!

APPLAUSE

-Five people! Six people! Seven!

-How many has she forgotten?

Someone's sitting at home crying!

Back to Rickie's team.

For you - is this person slutty or not?

Hi, my name is Kevin.

I swear on the quiff of...Grimmy

I'll tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

100% yes.

I think he looks like he's been married

since he was really young.

He's probably been with the same woman all his life.

-Only slept with one.

-Flack is saying one.

-He looks like absolute filth!

-Look at his face!

-So you're saying yes?

-Absolutely filthy, yes!

-OK! Let's find out if he's filthy!

-Yes.

-How many?

Couldn't tell ya!

APPLAUSE

What a legend! Back to you, Melvin's team! Next one for you.

OK.

Hi, my name is Felipo and on the quiff of Grimmy,

I swear to tell the truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-ROCHELLE: Yes! MELVIN: Felipo! Felipo!

-Audience are saying yes!

Like, before he even spoke. "I've done him. I've had him.

-"I'm doing him now."

-The guys sounds sexy.

He did a little recall, as well. He was like... "Yeah!"

-Yeah, definitely. Who HASN'T he slept with is the question.

-OK.

Let's find out, they're saying yes.

At the same time?

WHOOPING AND LAUGHING

Separately, yes. At the same time, no.

But it could be something to add on the list.

It only registers...

I threw something his way.

-What a don.

-Thank you for playing On The Quiff Of Grimmy!

APPLAUSE

It says here, Wretch 32,

that you have been sweating about a wonderful cereal called Sugar Puffs.

-Nah - my issue is the milk has always gone off in my house.

-OK...

Somebody said yeah - you know about this? Or you live with me?

LAUGHTER

That's your milkman.

Yes, so I run down the stairs,

I'm excited about a bowl of Sugar Puffs, pour the milk in...

You're half asleep, so you don't check, you're going for the spoon,

-and you don't have milk, you have yoghurt. So, yeah...

-Eurgh!

Don't you eat weird stuff? Don't you eat weird things, like...beige?

-I have plain bagels, just plain.

-No butter?

-No butter.

-Plain bagels.

Because I heard the diet of Wretch 32 is chips, bagels, Sugar Puffs.

-And gone-off milk.

-And gone-off milk.

I can relate to you. This is how lazy I am.

When I was at home, cooking fish fingers, chips and beans...

-Oh, I love that meal!

-Ladies!

LAUGHTER

-I do!

-It's quality, right?

-I love that!

-Come round, we'll eat! So...

I had a pack of fish fingers in my left hand,

and a bag of chips in my right.

The temperature and the timing on the fish fingers matched

the temperature and the timing on the chips,

and I was on my own, and I went, "Get in!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. It's time for Round Two.

I'm going to give both teams a clue as to one of my own personal

sweats and this one is one that I'm genuinely really

worried about sharing with you all.

Because it's something I probably shouldn't admit on national TV.

Is it that you prefer listening to Kiss breakfast?

LAUGHTER

That's absolutely correct!

-It's a good show!

-It's a good show. Tut.

Is it that you really wanted to be friends with Niall from One Direction,

and that's why you started being friends with Harry?

That's what's going on.

And now you can't get rid of Harry!

He's a mere stepping stone to the Irish great one!

LAUGHTER

-OK, shall I give you a clue?

-Yes.

OK, teams - what is it about THIS that I've been sweating about?

# Daddy, I've fallen for a monster. #

OK.

APPLAUSE

That's Stooshe.

Off of the pop charts.

But what is it about that that has got me sweating?

I don't know, but I like them!

-They're good, innit?!

-Is it three sexy ladies?

-Yes, I HATE WOMEN!

-Girl bands?

-Not girl bands.

-Harmonies?

-Not harmonies.

-Do you want another clue?

-People singing.

-Another clue.

OK.

# Why did you let it slip

# Slip

# Give me that TLC

# Back to me

# You put your mind back on it

# Do it like I want it

# That's how it used to be

# Why did you let it slip? #

MELVIN: Whoo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Any other ideas?

-People singing behind you?

-Close!

-You don't like people singing live?

-Boom, Rochelle!

I do not like people singing near me,

and I hate the fact that I'm a radio DJ who absolutely hates live music!

A point for Melvin's team!

CHEERING

Does anyone else hate live music?

-I love Wretch 32's face - "No, it is my living!"

-I'm in shock!

-No, I don't like it.

-I can never see at gigs. I'm too small.

Is it quite hard when you go to a gig and you can't see

the band to pick which one you want as your next boyfriend?

ALL: Ohhhh!

-Oi!

-That's nice!

-Oi!

Oi, leave her alone!

I hate gigs, they suck. People touching me...

I have to be quiet for like, an hour and a half...

You don't like going to gigs?

No, because it's too long and I think it's

because I can't sit down and be quiet for two hours.

Also, people frown when I use my phone.

LAUGHTER

I've seen you in action at a festival...

See, a festival is all right, because there's other distractions.

However, my worst thing at a festival,

almost as bad as live music is the festival fashion.

It drives me crazy.

You know, when people dress different because they're

going to a festival, so they wear normal clothes all the time and then

they go to a festival and then they dress like they're on acid in 1969.

The worst is when people save the bracelets, the wristbands.

"Oh, I went to Glastonbury, I went to Reading, I went to Latitude..."

I went to... "I couldn't give a shit", mate!

I've been to loads of places, I don't carry around my airport

tickets, there you go - I went to Paris, Amsterdam, Barcelona...

Oh, there's a token from Alton Towers! Look!

APPLAUSE

I think the downside is though, a festival is fun and everything,

I like 'em, but the downside is the best place to watch bands is

also the worst place, the most dangerous.

There's a mosh pit, people throwing bottles of piss,

and you can get piss on you.

Have you ever had anything thrown on at you, Rochelle?

Um, probably, but I just choose to ignore it.

I'm still going to perform, whether you like it or not!

I'm enjoying myself and having a whale of a time. Throw the piss!

LAUGHTER

Don't do that as an opening monologue. "You know what?

"You want to throw piss at me..."

You know what, though - I don't always think it's pee.

It's probably beer.

How do you know?

You've got to do a little reach-around next time, like...

Oh!

Yes, stranger's piss in my mouth.

Which leads us on to our next game,

the wonderfully titled Urine The Line of Fire.

CHEERING

Here we are then at my favourite festival, Wee In The Park.

It's a tiny Festival, perfect for Melvin!

The gag is, he's short!

Teams, the way this is going to work, you're going

to have some bottles of fresh urine to throw at a musical target.

Two musical stars will pop up over there on the stage

and you have to decide which target you are aiming for.

The one that most deserves to be covered in piss.

Hit the right one and you win a bonus point for your team.

Hit the wrong one and you're escorted out of here by festival security.

Melvin, who's going to play from your team?

It's got to be Rochelle, come on!

CHEERING

-Hi, Rochelle.

-I'm really bad at throwing, Grimmy.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

-OK, well let's find out how good you are or how terrible

you are as we get ready to play Urine The Line Of Fire.

Who's on stage this evening?

Bloomin' Marvin and Cheryl Cole!

Ooh, who are you going to aim for? She's in a rival girl band...

Oh, they're gone now! He's your husband.

-He did THIS!

-He did!

Let's get him!

-Are you going for Marvin?

-Yes, because he'll understand.

I like the conversation when you get home tonight, like...

-What did you do at work today?!

-I...

threw wee all over your face on telly.

Anyway, let's go to bed.

Let's throw some piss at Marvin, Rochelle!

Yeah!

CHEERING

OK, Rickie - who's going to play from your team?

-The lovely, gorgeous Miss Caroline Flack, everybody!

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Let's find out who you'll be throwing piss at this evening.

-Yeah!

-Olly Murs!

James Arthur!

Who shall I throw it at?

SHOUTING

The public are saying James.

Caroline Flack, get ready to throw piss at James Arthur!

APPLAUSE

Let's play. You're aiming for the face.

-Oh!

-Aggressive, Flacky.

Here we go. Oh, no, it's Styles!

LAUGHTER

Don't hit Harry! Oh!

No way! Hit him! No, don't hit Harry!

No way, Flacky.

Go for James Arthur! Yeah!

CHEERING

A point for your team.

Caroline Flack, everybody.

I've got wee on my hands!

Well done, teams and thank you for playing Urine The Line of Fire.

APPLAUSE

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

This is where each week

I challenge our team captains to

take their own little sweats out into the big, bad world,

out of their brains, into the world.

This week's sweat is all about when you go into a shop

and ask someone for help, then you realise...they don't work there.

And you're an arsehole.

Rickie, you won this last week.

We had the weird gym thing. It was very, very funny - you won.

Have you got it in the bag this week?

-No idea.

-Melvin?

-Yes.

-You've won?

-I've won this one.

Let's find out - this is Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

Hi, guys - we're in a toilet again. This time in a glamorous shop.

This week's challenge is all about shopping and that mistake you often

make when you ask somebody in a shop for help, but they don't work there!

What I want you to do is go into that shop and get as many random

shoppers as possible to help you, even though they don't work there.

Whoever gets the most help wins a massive one point for their team.

-OK? Are you ready?

-Let's do this.

Let's do this. Not yet. I've not finished.

It's a numbers game today.

I'm looking forward to this one, it's going to be fun.

I'm going to win, easy. Come on!

Hello. I've got my receipt.

Do you do this in a kid's size? It's a bit too big for me.

I do have my receipt, so...

Oh, you don't? You don't work here?

Oh, do YOU do this...?

OK.

Hi. Can I just give you my CV? I'd love to work here.

-Like, I love working in shops and stuff.

-I don't work here.

-You don't work here?

-Where are you getting that from?

I bought the shirt for my girlfriend

and she's just said it looks disgusting.

Do you do refunds, or...?

-I'm not sure, we can ask someone.

-Like your manager, or something?

-But I don't work here.

-Oh, you don't work here? Oh, you used to, but...?

No, never.

-Hello, how are you? I know you guys said...

-I don't work here.

I don't know you. Not met you before.

Sorry. OK.

I don't know how you're getting on, Melvin, but this is hard!

Ooh, another customer.

I'm sorry I'm late for my personal shop.

I want to look like Simon Cowell, just high trousers,

-a black T-shirt...

-How can I help you?

-Because they told me to come here for my personal shop.

-Yes, but...

-In the men's...

-You've got the wrong person.

-Um... Can I have a hug, then?

Shake my hand, yeah!

-High-five, then?

-Thank you, mate.

That was a backwards one! You're too cool, man.

-Do you know how this works?

-It's a toilet brush.

Excuse me, could you just pick that?

Thank you so much.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

Yeah, you just clean the toilet.

But how?

Use your hands, mate.

Oh, OK. All right.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Rickie and Melvin. A point each for your teams.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I have some of your sweats here, Caroline Flack.

-Do you?

It says here that one of your sweats is small feet.

I've got really small feet.

Small sweaty feet?

No, I've got size two feet.

You're a freak!

I have the same size feet as my friend's seven-year-old son!

Oh, that's cool! Borrow his wheelies!

It's really hard to get shoes.

In JD Sports, there's three sections, adults, juniors...

And trolls!

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Sweatbox,

where you get to actually help members of this very audience,

who will tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

You teams will offer them advice.

Whoever offers the best advice will get a point for their team.

-Are you both ready?

-VARIOUS: Yes.

-Right, who's first in the Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Sarah.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hi, Sarah.

What's your sweat?

I keep sleep-cheating on my boyfriend with a celebrity.

-Oh, my God. Amazing. Who?

-Grimmy.

-Oh, my God!

-What?

It's...

-Am I...

-Yeah.

-Am I...

-Yeah, you are.

-What, so you have sex with Grimmy?

-We kind of go for it.

Oh, my God! Amazing.

Is it just you two?

There's a couple of other people that appear.

-Who?

-Whoa.

-Harry appears.

-Oh, you and Harry together?

-No, we're just friends.

It's while Grimmy does his hair.

He makes me hang out with Harry while he does his hair.

I don't think this is a dream. I think this is real life.

-Is your boyfriend here?

-Yes, he is.

-Get him in the box with you!

Yeah, get your boyfriend in.

-Come on.

-He's very reluctant.

APPLAUSE

How does it feel to have such a deceitful girlfriend?

Do we have any advice for her?

I've got some advice for the boyfriend, actually.

Cos you could use this to your advantage.

If she ever catches you cheating,

you could just say, "Sorry, I was sleep-shagging!"

I'd say really take Grimmy home with you tonight, fuck him,

and then you won't dream about him any more!

APPLAUSE

No, no, it's a nightmare!

Whose advice are you going to go for?

Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

I think I'm going to go Melvin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You win a point for your team.

Are you going to go now?

Does that have to happen now? But I'm so tired.

OK, who's next in the Sweatbox?

-It's Stooshe!

-Stooshe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Stooshe.

-Hello.

-Whatever is your problem, pray tell?

I often get mistaken for another pop star.

-OK.

-OK.

-Can you think about who it is?

-Who's the other pop star?

-Justin Bieber?

What are you trying to say?

-I don't mind.

-No, it's another female pop star.

-Is it Jessie J?

-No.

-Emeli Sande?

-Yes!

You're mistaken for Emeli Sande!

I bet everyone thinks, "God, Emeli Sande's gangsta in real life."

"She's a badman!"

LAUGHTER

Do you ever pretend you are Emeli Sande?

Yeah, I use her name! I tell everyone, "Yeah, I'm Emeli."

"I won an award!"

My friend got deported out of Thailand once

for pretending to be Su Pollard.

LAUGHTER

Rickie's team, what would you do if you looked like Emeli Sande?

What should she do?

It depends if it annoys you or not or whether you like it.

If it annoys you, change your hair.

-If it doesn't annoy you...

-Keep your hair!

-Keep your hair.

Melvin's team, any advice?

We said do something crazy

-and then run away and pretend to be Emeli Sande!

-Good idea.

Then the police will go to Emeli Sande's house,

lock her up and then you can be Stooshe!

THEY CHEER

Come over here. That's a good one.

Whose advice are you going to go for?

Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

-Melvin!

-I don't want to change my hair, so I'll go for you.

Team Melvin! Point for your team.

You could do the maddest stuff ever.

You could take a poo on the stage right now and be like,

"It was Emeli Sande."

"Emeli Sande had a poo live on BBC3! She's lost it!"

That was the final round! Thank you, Sweatboxers!

Thank you, Stooshe!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

Melvin's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A big thank you to Rickie, Caroline Flack,

Seann Walsh, Melvin, Rochelle and Wretch 32!

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff.

I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd