Episode 3 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw, and welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everyone! Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes a big deal about the little things in life.

Because the little things really are worth sweating about.

You know, I've been seeing a lot on Syria on the news.

I'm much more interested in seeing Suri Cruise.

She's got her own fashion line. Seven years old.

And I care about this stuff because it is worth sweating about.

But I cannot sweat alone. So shall we meet our team captains?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

That's right, it's the urban Mel and Sue,

the hip-hop Jedward, or as they like to market themselves,

the R&B Chuckle Brothers.

It's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin Odoom!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-You won last week.

-Yes, I did.

-So, one-all now.

-I need to win this, Grimmy.

This is all I've got. I need this.

Rickie's got his good looks. But this is all I have.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Don't give me that! He's going for the sympathy vote!

-Don't believe him!

-Do you want this more than him?

I'm going to crush him this week, I think.

Well, let's meet the teams who are playing this evening.

On Rickie's team this evening is an actress who's sweating it,

because the last thing she remembers

is being in Vin Diesel's hotel room last night,

and that's a true story.

It's Jaime Winstone!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And joining them, a young comedian who's sweating it

because the rule is, whenever there's another man

in the room with an amazing quiff, I have to castrate them.

-LAUGHTER

-It's Joel Dommett!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Over on Melvin's team we have a soon-to-be mother

who's sweating it because there's a very good chance

she'll give birth before the end of the show,

and she really does not want Melvin Odoom's face

to be the first thing that her baby sees.

It might turn to stone! She's made it to show three, everybody!

-It's Rochelle Humes!

-Just!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's a lovely little face!

And joining them, we have a TV personality who is sweating it

because Louis Spence is suing him for stealing his career path.

It's Rylan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hi, guys!

Good teams this week. How are we all? Are we all OK?

Are you OK, Rochelle?

You just make me laugh when you ask me that!

Don't worry, I'm trying not to do it here!

We've taken precautions, though.

-You have?

-We've got a midwife.

There she is. A midwife on hand.

-We've got an ambulance and all that just outside.

-Oh, no!

-If you need them.

-You're not serious, are you?

Yes, that's outside!

It's costing taxpayers money. An absolute fortune.

LAUGHTER

Also here, Jaime Winstone, everybody!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-You all right?

-Very well.

I'm very excited to be here.

It's going to be fun.

True story, that. Jaime Winstone said,

"Oh, all I remember from last night

"is being in Vin Diesel's hotel room."

-Now, it's...

-How IS Vin Diesel?

-Shut up, Grimmy!

-Explain!

He's very well! No, we met him having a few drinks last night

and, yeah, it was nice.

My AND my boyfriend ended up with Vin...

Ooh, very modern!

He's a very modern man, is Vin Diesel!

No, he's a very lovely guy. It was very nice. Very nice evening.

What's been making you sweat, Jaime?

Because it says on here, "LOL."

Why has LOL been making you sweat?

It just really gets under my skin.

You "LOL" all the time, and it's really irritating.

-What do you mean?

-"LOL! LOLS off! LOLS off!"

It's like, just laugh out loud! Just laugh!

-Oh, is it when people say it, or when they write it?

-Both!

-I just think it's really stupid.

-LOL.

LAUGHTER

See what I mean? "LOLS! LOLS!"

It's just, like, no! Just laugh!

Sometimes, you can't ROFL, cos the carpet's dirty.

LAUGHTER So you've got to say, "ROFL."

-It is a nightmare sometimes.

-Yeah!

I'm not ROFL-ing on that, so, like, ROFL.

I don't want to roll on the... Where did T go, in ROFL?

"Roll On THE Floor Laughing?" Who dropped the T?

Oh, is that what that means?!

-Yeah! What did you think it meant?

-I thought...oh, God!

-LAUGHTER

-No, Rylan, we need to know.

No, I don't know, but whenever I used to see it,

I used to think, "Who's Rolf?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Everybody knew Rolf, but nobody could spell his name?

Yeah! And it used to wind me up, because I used to think,

"That's not how you spell it!"

OK, it's time for round one. Are you ready, teams?

-ALL: Yeah!

-Yes, they are ready. They are hyped.

Now, Rickie, this week, this round it's all about one of your Sweats.

It is about one of my Sweats.

It's about, like, if you leave your phone somewhere,

and then somebody goes through your phone without getting permission from you.

Especially if it's your partner or somebody you're dating.

It's not very cool, is it?

What's on your phone that's so incriminating?

-Why would you be angered?

-Just naughty photos.

-Of you?!

-Some are of me.

-Where is your phone?

-LAUGHTER

-I tried to take a picture of...that before, and it doesn't work out.

-Why?

Because you've got to, you know, you're trying to get the right angle,

and at the same time, you're trying to keep it going.

You're like, "OK, ohh! Ohh!"

You're like, "Which filter do I put on?

"Oh, God! It's gone again! It's gone again!"

When I look through a friend's phone, I just think,

"I want to send an awful text message to somebody."

Or do, like, a tweet or something.

-That's how I found out that my ex was cheating on me.

-Oh, really?

Yeah, and it was when the iPhone just came out,

and I'd just got one and he'd just got one,

-and he was in panto. He was Aladdin.

-LAUGHTER

Trust me, it gets so much better. Wait.

He was like, "You've got an iPhone as well!"

I was like, "Yeah, I got it yesterday."

And he went and made a cup of tea, so I was having a look,

and then it just popped up...

"Oh, my God! Is he yours? I feel really bad now."

So I was like, "What?"

And it said, "Slide to read."

You slide to read, do you know what I mean?!

So I slid to read, and...

You slid to read!

Yeah, I slid to read,

and it turns out, he was fucking Jafar.

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, no!

Well, we did some research,

and found a very tiny story that says the majority of love cheats

are found out by their partner going through their phones.

So, teams, do you think that you can tell just by looking at someone

if they are the phone snooper type? Rochelle, what do you think?

-Do you think you could see it in someone's face?

-I don't know.

See, I think people would think that I would do it, but I don't.

-I think you would!

-I know, see? I've got that air about me.

Rickie's team, what do you think?

-Jaime reckons she would know someone straightaway.

-Yeah, I think so.

I think there's something a bit witchy about Jaime.

-LAUGHTER

-She's like a mad science witch!

Well, I thought we'd put this to the test,

so we rounded some people up on the street

and asked them, "Have you ever gone through your partner's phone?"

The way this is going to work,

we'll see the person swear on this, The Quiff Of Me.

The youths of Britain regard this as somewhat of like

a Bible of the modern age.

-It's like a hairy Bible. LOL!

-LAUGHTER

We got them to swear on this to tell the absolute truth, and all you have

to do is decide if they are indeed an evil, devious, phone snooper.

We're going to start with your team, Rickie.

First one, please. Are they a snooper?

Hi, my name is Hannah, and on The Quiff Of Grimmy,

I promise to tell the truth.

Have you ever gone through your partner's phone?

ALL: Ooh!

What do you think, guys?

I don't know, she looks pretty confident. Was she Aussie as well?

-Did I hear an accent?

-I think so.

-Definitely, then! Definitely!

-Definitely!

-You're saying yes?

-We're saying yes. I reckon we're saying yes.

Let's find out.

-Yes.

-Why?

Because I was a paranoid psycho!

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

-OK, Melvin's team. One for you.

-OK.

Hi, I'm Lauren. This is my boyfriend, James.

And on The Quiff Of Grimmy, we swear to tell the truth.

Have you ever gone through your partner's phone?

LAUGHTER

-Yes!

-I reckon she has,

they then have a bitch fight in the street,

he then throws the quiff at her,

she then takes the scarf and lassos him with it,

he starts crying, they kiss and make up,

and then they get rid of their phones and live in a field.

Let's find out if that's the answer!

-Yes!

-James's?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Erm...

SHE LAUGHS For a few reasons.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

ROCHELLE: Oh, no!

The awkward journey home!

Thank you for playing On The Quiff Of Grimmy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It says here, Joel Dommett,

that you have been irritated by air fresheners? Pray tell.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I bought an air freshener the other day

because I was forced to.

My flatmate was like, "You need to get an air freshener,"

and I don't know if anyone's seen this one,

but it is the best thing that I have ever seen in my life.

The first incredible feature of this air freshener

is when you walk past it, it's got an infrared sensor on it,

so it goes, "Pssst!"

And fragrances your calf muscles, right.

Second incredible feature of this air freshener,

it is disguised as a stone!

LAUGHTER

As soon as I put it in my hallway, I was like,

"Well, this doesn't go at all."

Why would they make it dressed as a stone? What's the point?

It just looks weird in my hallway.

So I went outside and I got some real stones and I put it around it.

Now I've got a rockery in the hallway.

LAUGHTER

OK, time now for Round Two.

We have been asking our viewers what things

they have been sweating about.

Now, admittedly, an awful lot of the Sweats were foul.

Luckily, there was at least one broadcastable

comment and Sweat amongst the people of Britain.

So I'm going to give both teams a clue as to what that Sweat was.

And this week, the clue is in glorious 3-D.

Teams, if you'd like to put on your 3-D glasses that you'll

find in front of you. Check they're working,

-once you've got your 3-D glasses on. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

BOTH: Wow!

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Whoa!

LAUGHTER

It's like Avatar!

OK, teams.

What is it about this

that our viewers have been sweating about?

MUSIC: "20th Century Fox Fanfare" by Alfred Newman

Eeurgh, it's sour!

LAUGHTER

Any ideas what the audience could be sweating about from that incredible clue?

What was it? A sweet?

It was a sweet in my mouth with a film soundtrack. This might help.

SHOPPING TILL DINGS

-Yeah, that really helped.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You'd tell us if we looked like pricks, right?

LAUGHTER

-Do you have any more clues?

-No.

-Can I have a sweet?

-No.

So it's about sweets and films.

It is something about sweets and films.

The price of sweets?

The price of sweets in cinema.

You're absolutely correct!

The great British public have been sweating about very expensive

pick and mix at cinemas.

And the public are right.

Pick and mix are insanely expensive and the real Sweat is that it's

so expensive that people are turning to a life of crime.

I recently had to remortgage my own house after

a binge at the Swiss Cottage IMAX

going to see Iron Man 3.

The team have done some extensive research and discovered I'm not

the only one who likes to exercise the "try before you buy" technique.

Do you ever do that? Do you ever go and have a little one?

-Yeah.

-I carry the box, "One for the box, some for me!"

LAUGHTER

Do remember, of course, that stealing is bad and wrong,

especially if you get caught.

Pick and mix theft is a gateway to a life of dark and dangerous crime.

One day you're stealing strawberry laces in Swiss Cottage,

the next you're trafficking humans across the border.

It's a slippery slope.

Leads us to our next game, Pick And Nick It.

CHEERING

OK, Jaime and Rylan, right here we have our very own

pick and mix counter, complete with usher.

-How are you?

-DEEP VOICE:

-I'm fine, Mr Grimshaw.

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

I am just an ordinary usher in an extraordinary situation.

It's the movie guy from the films!

The cinema voice-over man!

APPLAUSE

Are you the actual guy who does the films?

Yeah, my name is Redd Pepper, I do movie trailers

and television adverts and "Coming soon, one man in a world..."

That's what I do.

-Can you say our names?

-Yeah.

Can you say "Rylan - The Musical."

Rylan - The Musical.

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

LAUGHTER

Could we have "Jaime Winstone stars with Vin Diesel"?

How about Vin Diesel, Jaime Winstone

as one.

Coming soon!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-I love Redd Pepper!

-So intense!

Usher, please can you reveal the sweets?

Indeed.

OK, Jaime and Rylan, in front of you each is a pile,

£15 pile of pick and mix.

What have we got there, Redd Pepper?

We have Cornish dairy fudge,

mice, foam banana.

This is the sexiest sweetshop ever.

LAUGHTER

How about...jelly bears?

LAUGHTER

Enough, enough, Redd Pepper!

Jaime and Rylan, you have until the music stops to stuff as many

sweets as you can into your mouths.

The person whose pile costs least at the end will win

a point for their team. OK?

-This is all about tactics, Jaime.

-OK...

-What?

So we're eating it, or we're just filling our mouths?

You can fill or swallow.

LAUGHTER

What did you do last night?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-OK, Jaime, are you ready?

-I'm ready!

-Rylan, are you ready?

-Yeah.

OK, let's do this!

Eat those sweets!

Here we go!

Jaime's taking it slow.

There's more time.

Go for loads of light things.

I think Jaime Winstone's going to barf.

Rylan trying to get them in.

Go one, Jaime! Three, two, one!

OK, stop! Time is up!

CHEERING

OK.

Usher...

RYLAN BURPS

LAUGHTER

Usher, how did Rylan do?

Rylan has...

LAUGHTER

Rylan has...

..£7.60 left of sweets.

OK, £7.60 Rylan's got it down to!

Jaime got it down to...

£6.25!

Jaime Winstone is the winner!

Yes, Jaime!

APPLAUSE

Don't worry, Ry.

Thank you, Redd and thank you for playing Pick And Nick It!

CHEERING

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

And this week's Sweat is all about spoilt celebrities

and their diva demands.

Rochelle.

LAUGHTER

Rickie, how do you think you got on with this?

Last week was really hard. I think I did all right this week.

-Did all right?

-I think so.

-Pretending to be a diva was fine for you?

-It was easy.

Melvin, do you think you've won this challenge?

No, but it was a lot of fun.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's find out how they got on as we play

Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

APPLAUSE

-Psst, down here. Hi, guys.

-Hello.

Sorry we had to meet here again.

Right, this week's challenge is all about celebrity divas,

when celebrities turn into spoilt eight-year-olds just

because they're famous.

Well, this week I'm going to transform you into those

celebrity divas.

I have your tasks here in gold envelopes.

OK, go and do it. Bye!

Oh, before you go, will you get me some toilet roll?

But black toilet roll. I don't do white toilet roll.

We could get punched today.

That one point is mine.

You know I'm going to win this.

I am so ready.

LAUGHTER

"Celebs rarely pay for stuff.

"Blag yourself a free gift." Nice one.

You all right?

Don't want to make a big deal out of this.

As you know, I'm a big celebrity.

How about two char chars for free? Yeah?

I'm Melvin Odoom, though.

Your choice.

Hey, fellas! How are you doing?

Rickie Haywood-Williams.

Who's got my free fish?

Free fish?

What?

"Convince someone you're being followed by paparazzi." What?

You're a lazy celeb. Get someone to carry you across the road.

LAUGHTER

Excuse me. Finally, someone who looks like they can help me.

I'm trying to get to that coffee shop over there.

Excuse me.

You know it's me, right?

Don't make it obvious.

There's a guy behind you, I think he's paparazzi.

And I can't afford to get pictured again.

Could you just give me a piggyback over there?

I'm not heavy.

I haven't even eaten today.

Can you just shield me with your jacket just across the road?

Is that cool? Mind the road, mind the road, mind the road.

APPLAUSE

Get your own VIP area in a restaurant.

Get someone to stir your coffee in an anticlockwise direction.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Don't make it look like you recognise me or anything.

Would it be OK to kind of cordon off an area for me?

I've got a rope.

And if you cordon it off for me...

We don't have anything like that.

You don't know who I am?

Really?

Excuse me. Don't make a big deal out of it,

but could you possibly stir my drink for me?

It's Melvin Odoom. He doesn't stir his drink. It's getting cool.

It's got to be at room temperature.

No, no. Anticlockwise.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You can sell that online. Get some money for it, girl.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Rickie and Melvin.

However, the point goes to Melvin's team!

APPLAUSE

What's been making you sweat, Rylan?

It says on this card here,

a T-shirt on a tall boy makes you sweat. Why?

I didn't mean it like that.

I think she just got the wrong end of the stick on the phone.

LAUGHTER

Explain why. Explain.

Obviously, I'm six foot five, so...

-Why are you complaining about your height?

-Don't mind me.

-You will grow, I promise you.

-Don't say that next to Melvin!

Can we get you to stand up? Because Melvin and Rylan...

AUDIENCE: Awww!

-Look at that.

-I wish I was your height, man.

-No, do you know what?

I'm happy that I'm tall, but when I go shopping, obviously,

because I'm quite slim, I'm a small or an extra-small in size,

-but that means that when I stand up properly....

-LAUGHTER

It comes up there and I'm like wearing a belly top.

Right, teams, the next round is The Big Little Question.

Last week I asked my Radio 1 breakfast show listeners

the biggest little question that we've been sweating about

this week, and this is something I think that everyone can relate to.

We were inundated with texts about this, almost harassed.

I asked the question,

"What are the top three ways to be annoying online?"

I have three envelopes here. One, two, three.

Each of these envelopes contains one of the top three answers

for ways to be annoying online.

To win a point, one member of each team must select an envelope.

If they're brave enough to post whatever is in that envelope online,

they will win one glorious point for their team.

Do we want to do this?

-Yeah, let's do it.

-OK. Let's do this.

Rickie, which envelope would your team like?

-Let's go number three.

-OK, this is for you.

What is in there for a bonus point for your team,

-to embarrass yourself online?

-THEY LAUGH

Make sure you show it, please, to the camera, so we all know.

APPLAUSE

Rylan...

I'll only do it if you do the third one for me.

-OK.

-Is that fair?

-Well, it's bullying.

LAUGHTER

OK, well, you've got to do the topless selfie before I do this.

-Right now, yeah?

-Right now.

-OK, what, just get...

-Get it out!

If you want...

APPLAUSE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen.

Listen. I need help. I need help. Rylan, you're a model.

Come and give me some help.

APPLAUSE

Listen, you've got to do it with me. You got to do it with me.

He just wants to undress you, Rickie. That's what's happening here.

I'm not ready for this.

-Joel, you sit down.

-Let me just get out of the way.

SCREAMING FROM AUDIENCE

Look at that.

-Rickie is tensing, so hard.

-Shut up, Rochelle!

I so am.

-OK, you two ready?

-RYLAN:

-Ready.

I've not got a body like that, as we all know.

-RICKIE:

-You've got to show a bit as well.

-Oh!

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, no, this is so embarrassing. You go.

This is so gay.

-Rickie's a pro.

-Done.

There we go. It's done, everybody.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Too much, Rylan. Too much.

Can we see the picture, please, Rickie on camera one?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh my God.

APPLAUSE

Right, we're going to post that online now. That is online.

You can go and see that right now.

Right, what do you want? One or two?

-Please can we have one?

-Here you go.

-Oh, sorry!

-Aargh!

LAUGHTER

Maybe that started the birth! Who's going to do it from your team?

-Ohhh.

-Who's going to do it?

-Lovey Dovey.

-For Rochelle, I think.

-Oh, Rochelle, you've got to do this.

-You have to do this.

-Melvin is going to think he's...

-Count his lucky stars at the minute!

-You don't have to do it to Marvin.

-Why don't you do another one?

-To who?!

Like that little 'un. Aston.

LAUGHTER

Tweet Aston, just being like, "I love you baby. I miss you."

Do you know how much hate I'm going to get from JLS fans?

-It'll be worth it for a laugh.

-What do you want me to say?

Just put... "Do you ever feel like you chose the wrong one out of the lot?"

LAUGHTER

-I can't!

-You can!

-I think that's sweet.

-Kiss kiss kiss.

-"Do you ever feel like...."

-No, just one kiss.

-No, at least six.

LAUGHTER

It's got to be more than one, so he'll know you're serious.

"..you chose the wrong one."

-Perfect.

-That's nice.

Oh, my God. That's going.

Well done, Rochelle. That will go online...

now, for a point for your team. It's online!

APPLAUSE

-That means I've got to do the third one?

-Yes.

You definitely have to after I've done that.

Humble Brag. I hate a Humble Brag.

I hate it. OK, where's my phone?

OK, why don't I say...

"I'm so sick of people telling me...

"..how fresh I look...

LAUGHTER

"..after presenting...

"..a national breakfast show..."

"..and a BBC Three panel show."

LAUGHTER

"I've got good genes. Sue me."

LAUGHTER

That is literally the worst Tweet of all time.

That is awful.

It's making me angry.

I want to unfollow myself.

-I'm going to re-Tweet it!

-Here we go.

And that is going online....

Now! What am I doing this for?

I don't even have a point!

-LAUGHTER

-I'm just being a dick.

LAUGHTER

OK, well done, teams. That's incredible work.

APPLAUSE

OK, time now for the Sweatbox,

where you get to actually help members of this very audience

who will tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

Do your best to help them out with advice,

and whichever team they decide has given them the most help

will get the point. Are you ready, teams?

-Yes.

-Yes, we are.

Good. Who's in the Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Lorette.

-what have you been sweating about, Lorette?

Well, my boyfriend is a massive crybaby.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no.

Why is he crying?

He does this thing where,

when he sees roadkill on the side of the road,

he prays in his head in the hope that it goes to heaven.

Oh, my God! Every time I see a dead fox

or dead whatever, I'm like, "Oh, my God."

LAUGHTER

-Is your boyfriend here?

-He is.

-Where?

LAUGHTER

So, does he only cry at roadkill?

He cries at films as well. Bridesmaids is quite a...

-Bridesmaids?!

-LAUGHTER

Any advice? What advice would you give Lorette in the sweatbox?

If he cries like a baby all the time, next time he cries,

give him a cuddle, cradle him like a baby, get your boob out,

-put your nipple in his mouth...

-LAUGHTER

..give him some milk! Everyone's a winner.

Rickie's advice is to breastfeed your adult boyfriend.

-Rylan's got some advice.

-Rylan?

-Go on.

-Do you know what?

I think you should count yourself fucking lucky,

cos I've been single for four years and he's a good-looking lad,

and you seem like a lovely couple.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

APPLAUSE

ROCHELLE: He's going to go!

Thinking about your boyfriend!

Whose advice are you going to go for, Team Rickie or Team Melvin?

Definitely Team Melvin.

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

That was the final round. Thank you, Sweatboxer.

APPLAUSE

So, that is it, and I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

Melvin's team!

APPLAUSE

A big thank you to Rickie, Jaime Winstone,

Joel Dommett, Melvin,

Rochelle, and Rylan.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff.

I've been Nick Grimshaw. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd