Episode 4 Sweat the Small Stuff

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw and this is Sweat The Small Stuff.

Yaaaaaay!

Hello! Hello, everyone, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes a big deal about the little things in life.

Because the little things really are worth sweating about.

But I cannot do it alone, so shall we meet our team captains?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Yeah. OK, they're like a very tanned, voluptuous Olsen twins.

But with, like, less money and more penis.

It's Rickie Haywood Williams and Melvin O'Doom!

CHEERING

-Shall we meet your teams this week?

-Yes.

-Let's do it.

On Rickie's team this evening is a former member of Girls Aloud

who's sweating it because she's about to release her autobiography.

All she needs to do now is find someone to write it.

It's Kimberley Walsh!

CHEERING

And we have an award-winning comedian

who's about to marry his model girlfriend but is sweating it

because she's used up all his eyeliner this morning.

It's Russell Kane, everybody.

CHEERING

And over on Melvin's team, she's only gone and made it to show four!

It's Rochelle Humes, everybody!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Celebration" by Kool And The Gang

Yes, Rochelle!

Yes, Rochelle!

You lot are mad.

-Show four.

-Do you want me to get through show four?

Because those sort of bangs are not going to help this situation.

-Do you have one of them when the baby comes out?

-I hope so.

Is someone going to be there with a confetti cannon?

And joining them, a member of a boy band who famously released

a range of condoms, who's sweating it because that practical joke

he played on Marvin really has backfired.

It's Aston Merrygold!

CHEERING

Russell Kane is here, everybody, look!

CHEERING

-It says here that one of your sweats is me. Ohh!

-No, it's complimentary.

It's that people think I'm you the whole time.

-Really?

-Yeah, when I walk down the street,

I get, "Grimmy, Grimmy!" quite a lot.

They obviously think we look similar even though we don't,

clearly, we couldn't look more different.

But all the time, I get it. If I'm out in a club...

and I sweat, not because I look like you -

-you're devastatingly handsome.

-Thank you, darling.

I get embarrassed for the person.

If they've done a long speech, "I really love your radio show."

You're like, "God." And I've Googled myself before to show that I'm not for you.

-Yes.

-But the worst one was I did the Hammersmith Apollo,

which is a big gig for a comedian.

I don't know if any of you guys do this, I like to sneak amongst

the audience when they're arriving to see what kind of crowd it is.

-You did what?

-In the foyer, I go in the foyer and watch people arriving

so I can see what mood the crowd's in.

Me and Aston and Rochelle all looked at each other like, "No!

"We've never done that!"

Anyway, someone saw me, but they thought it was you coming to see me.

So they actually said, "I didn't know you were a fan of Russell!"

So I got Grimmy-ed in my own gig.

-Time now for round one. Are you ready, teams?

-Yes!

Sweat The Small Stuff is all about the little things in life.

So when we scour the news, we don't care about important stories,

mainly because they take too long to read but also

because we're too busy, too focused about reading things like this.

Tiny, tiny news stories.

Porn sites attract more visitors than Netflix,

Amazon and Twitter combined. That's a lot of people looking at porn.

Why are you looking at me when you say that?

My eyeballs just fell over there.

Aston, do you like the old porn? Or the new porn?

-I'm not, like, a laptop porn watcher.

-Don't lie!

-TV is just fine.

You watch it on TV?

What, just like Hollyoaks Late?

Embarrassing Bodies.

You're going to get an explanation...

-That's quite old school. Porn on TV.

-I didn't know you could get that.

Only because, this is the thing, if you've got younger siblings

-and they're always like, "iPad, laptop," and all that.

-I hate iPads.

-It's really annoying.

-They are easy to clean, though.

So, what this is all about, the reason we're talking about porn

is because this round is all figuring out

if we can, just by looking at someone,

judge if they have watched porn.

We thought we'd put this to the test

so we rounded up some people on the street

and asked them, "Do you watch porn?"

The way this is going to work, we'll see that person swear on this.

ANGELIC MUSIC

The Quiff of Me!

We got them to swear on it the absolute truth.

All you teams have to do is decide

if they are indeed a lover of all things rude.

We're going to start with your team, Melvin.

Let's have the first one, please.

Hi, my name is Stephanie,

and on the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the truth.

Do you watch porn?

LAUGHTER

-She looked a little bit insulted.

-Yeah.

Also, she looks like she'd just left court.

-What are we saying, though, guys?

-I don't know.

She either looks like, "Oh, shit, how did you guess?" or...

-Exactly, that's exactly it.

-Do you think so?

-She's a secret porn watcher.

-Is she going to admit it, yes?

-I don't know, you call it.

-You're the captain.

-I'm going to say yes.

-I think yes as well. Let's find out.

Mm, sometimes.

What sort?

Anything that I can find.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my!

-That was good.

-Anything she can find.

-Anything! Anything!

Anything she can get her dirty little hands on.

Anything.

-Let's have another one. Let's do it for Rickie's team.

-OK.

Hi, my name is Filippo, and on the Quiff of Grimmy,

-I swear to tell the truth.

-Do you watch porn?

-We had him on before, do you remember?

-Yes.

Last time we asked him, have you had sex with more than eight people,

and he was like, "What, at the same time?"

-So that's a yes.

-We're saying yes.

-You're going to go yes.

-100%.

They're saying yes, he loves the porn.

Of course! Daily.

-He was offended that we asked the question.

-"Of course! How dare you?!

-"I'm French!" One for you.

-Yes.

Hi, my name is Isabel,

and I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Do you watch porn?

-She's going to lie.

-She's going to lie.

-She looks like she is IN a porno now.

-Or at least she looks like...

-What are we saying, Rochelle?

-I don't know.

I think she's going to play it like she hasn't.

-You're going no?

-We're going to say no.

They're saying no, let's find out.

I don't watch it but I have watched it. But I don't watch it regularly.

I know someone who made porno films so I watched,

just out of interest, just to see his work.

-LAUGHTER

-She's... She's panicking so hard!

"No, I mean, well..."

Rickie's team, one for you.

Hi, my name is Bethany,

I promise to swear the absolute truth on...the Quiff of Grimmy.

-Do you watch porn?

-I...

LAUGHTER

-She's amazing.

-What do you think?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Yes?

She was going to say yes, and then she thought about it.

She looks a bit like

she's going to go, "Willies are dirty!" or something.

-What are you going for?

-We're going to say no.

Let's find out.

-Yes.

-What sort?

Um, all sorts. Depends what, you know, you know.

Oh, God!

-ROCHELLE:

-That was amazing! That was so good.

Thank you for playing on the Quiff of Grimmy, everybody.

CHEERING

OK, time now for round two.

I'm going to give both teams a clue as to something our audience

have been sweating about.

If you guess what it is, you win a point for your team.

What is it about this that has been getting them all sweaty?

It's something that I think that also everybody does...

-SHE WHISPERS

-OK.

Can I just have a...

pain au chocolat...

..and a glass of the Chateauneuf-du-Pape

and a quesadilla.

Quesadilla!

Are you for real? Are you ordering food while you're presenting?

-That was actually your clue, that's called acting.

-Oh, wow.

Did you like that? What was it about that that our audience,

and I, have been sweating about?

-Divas who order food in the middle of TV shows?

-No, I quite like that.

Any ideas, Kimberley, what it could be about that that's irritating?

I do find it really irritating

when people order things in the accent, like you just did.

-Oh, really?

-Is that what it is?

That's exactly what it is, Kimberley Walsh!

CHEERING

You're completely correct, a point for your team,

they're sweating about people

who order foreign food in a foreign accent.

-That's so annoying.

-I'm not going to lie,

I feel like I have done it before at some point in my life.

-In France, I think. I tried to kind of...

-What have you gone for?

You know when you're like... you order something,

but you can't say it in French, so you just order it in English

but with a slight French accent?

-So I'd go like, "Can I have some..."

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"..ice cream!"

That was Italian, it's a completely English word in a different accent.

And we wonder why everyone in France hates us.

-We're like, "Haw-haw-haw!"

-Exactly.

Well, I've devised a game to test your international culinary

linguistic skills.

Melvin's team, come with me as we play, What Ze 'Eck Is Zis?

CHEERING

OK, Melvin's team, the way this is going to work,

two of you are going to sit here and describe foods from around the world

to the remaining team member.

Who's going to be guessing and who is going to be describing?

-Rochelle's guessing, I think.

-Rochelle guessing.

OK, Rochelle, take a seat.

-Do we have to use accents, though, for this?

-Yes.

I can only do a Ghanaian accent.

This is going to be very interesting.

The rules are very strict.

But remember, BBC Three viewers, rules mean fun.

When you're describing the food,

you cannot say what the food is or say what country the food is from.

You can however use the accent of that country...

Fingers crossed for Ghana to help Rochelle guess.

You get a point for each dish you get right.

You can pass at any time if you want, them's the rules.

-Are you ready?

-Er, yeah.

-Take a seat. Take a seat.

Have you two ever been to dinner together?

-No. This is our first time, actually.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Let's see what is on the menu first tonight.

-GHANAIAN ACCENT: OK! So it is a...

-No, it's not Ghanaian.

Hey! Whassa matta with you, eh?

Whassa matta with you?

-I think you're in the wrong country. Did you say Italy?

-Oh, wow!

GHANAIAN ACCENT: Basically, it is a delicious treat.

-Aston, help me!

-It is very long. You like it, yum, yum, yum.

Please help me.

-GHANAIAN ACCENT:

-I do not even know what to say to you now.

Can we pass on this?

-GHANAIAN ACCENT:

-I don't know what you just said.

-Are you going to pass?

-I don't know what that is.

-What was it?

-It was a fajita from Mexico.

-Oh, jeez! For God's sake!

Next one. What ze 'eck is zis?

GHANAIAN ACCENT: So, basically...

Oh, Melvin. Can you tell the country from the flag?

-Yes!

-OK, come on.

Describe what's there.

-It's a slice of...

-A slice of meat.

-This is good.

-Kind of, you know...

-Are you French?

-Non!

Although sounding even more French when saying "non"!

GHANAIAN ACCENT: But it is a kind of meat.

Sliced meat, very delicious.

-Any ideas?

-Not a clue.

-That was a Spanish accent.

-Oh, my God!

They were trying to describe chorizo.

-Terrible. We'll do one more.

-OK.

Here's the next one. Try and not be African accent.

-No African, no French.

-OK.

What ze 'eck iz zis?

Oh! Es ist sehr gut!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Das is gut, ja.

-German.

-Yes!

-German?

-Ja.

-Ja.

Us, we like ze...

Ze long like Marvin.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it schnitzel?

JLS Marvin.

Das ist... Oh, entschuldigung. Delicious.

Any ideas?

-Not a clue.

-Do you want this?

Oh, my God.

Marvin's going to be loving yous two.

LAUGHTER

Well done to Melvin's team, everybody.

APPLAUSE

Oh, Rochelle, you can take this with you if you want.

I don't need one. I've got one at home.

CHEERING

OK, Rickie's team, you are up next.

-Kimberly, you are there.

-Yeah.

OK, take your seats. We are going to see what's on the menu first.

Here we go.

Oh.

Arriba! Arriba! Andale, andale, andale!

-It's Mexican.

-Yes.

It is very spicy.

Burrito.

Doritos?

LAUGHTER

Burrito. Burrito.

Enchiladas.

-You would add it to...

-Nachos?

-On top of the pizza. Chop it.

Make sure you wash your hands or you burn your helmet afterwards.

-Chilli sauce. Like salsa.

-Which chilli?

-La chilli llame...

MAKES SPANISH "J" SOUND

-Is it a specific type of chilli? Not just chilli?

-On pizza. Domino's.

-Chilli. "Which type?"

-MAKES SPANISH "J" SOUND

Jalapeno.

CHEERING

Next one. What ze 'eck iz zis?

-Hola.

-OK.

Hola.

Con mi familia un grande bowl con fish, prawns, rice. Delicious.

Paella.

CHEERING

Third one. What ze 'eck is zis?

OK. Ciao, bella.

-OK, Italian.

-It's so hard not to do a Ghanaian accent.

My brain has been poisoned.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-If you have a sandwich, you cut it in half.

Half is all you need.

You sprinkle with tomato and you serve with basil.

Mmm, toasty, delicious.

LAUGHTER

-That's good.

-Maybe on a bit of ciabatta.

-A starter.

-You have a starter.

-Oh, bruschetta.

CHEERING

Guys, you were so bad.

Well done, Rickie's team.

CHEERING

You did bloody brilliant at that. Killed it.

Thank you, teams, for playing What Ze 'Eck Iz Zis?

APPLAUSE

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin: The Challenges.

This is where, each week, I challenge our team captains,

both Rickie and Melvin

to take a very small sweat into the big, bad world.

And this week's sweat was suggested by you lot out there

and it is all about trying to appear sober in front of your parents.

It turns out that our viewers are a bunch of drunks

who are scared of their mums and dads. Cool demographic(!) Hi, guys.

I decided to do a science to see if it was possible to get our,

I must say, surprisingly lightweight team captains a little bit

tipsy and then send them off to interview their mums.

-Rickie, how do you think you got on in this challenge?

-I can't remember.

Let's find out how they got on.

This is Rickie and Melvin: The Challenges.

-We are in the pub.

-Love it.

Your mums think they're being interviewed for a segment

called I Love You, Mum. That segment doesn't exist.

Whoever lasts the longest before their mum realises will

win one point for their teams.

So, Rickie and Melvin, off on this week's challenge. Well done.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

LAUGHTER

It's nice to be home.

Well, Mum, take a seat.

-How are you doing?

-You all right?

I love you, Mum. So much. So much. Good hair.

This is a world exclusive, people. Welcome to my mum, Asha.

Round of applause for Asha.

-So, Mum, how are you?

-I'm well, thank you.

I've got a list here of things that I need you...need you to do.

LAUGHTER

Which celebrity am I most like, Mum?

I know you like Simon Cowell.

You could have said Denzel Washington or Will Smith.

Do your best story about me from when I was young.

Tell them.

The story that sticks in my mind was arriving home from work one day

and meeting Rickie at home with this young lady who

I straightaway couldn't bear.

I have written you a poem, Mum, and I would like to recite it to you.

If that's OK.

LAUGHTER

My mum is here with a fringe and it's like ding-y, but...

-What, are you drunk?

-Drunk?

-You're definitely drunk.

LAUGHTER

Feel the love like hand in glove

Don't let go, Mum...

That completes our interview for today

and this has been I Love You, Mum.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done to Melvin. You win a point for your team. Melvin, everybody.

CHEERING

OK, teams, the next round is The Big, Little Question.

Last week I asked my Radio 1 Breakfast Show listeners

the biggest little question that we have been sweating about this week.

I asked the question -

emoticons, do we like them or do we hate them?

-Kimberly, do you like to...? What?

-I love them.

-Do you love them?

-Yeah.

They're making you laugh already.

We have not even begun to talk about them.

All I have said is emoticon, and you're like, "Oh, I love them."

-Any excuse for an emoticon.

-I like full conversation in them.

Me and Cheryl are terrible.

I had to actually get her to tell me how to download it onto my phone

and she is absolutely horrendous with technology.

This is my favourite one.

I love that one. That's the best one.

Smiley face.

But teams, do you think that the listeners of Radio 1 -

all 12 of them - thought that emoticons

were a good thing or a bad thing?

Did they love them or did they simply hate them?

-I love them.

-They are popular.

-Yeah.

-I think, overall, people like them.

-So yes?

-Yes.

People liked them, Melvin's team.

Do the people like them or do the people hate them?

-I'm not too sure people like them.

-I'll go with no.

You're going for no? You're going for yes.

Well, it turns out that they did love the emoticons.

A point for your team, Rickie.

APPLAUSE

People like them.

We're going to show you why they are right

and why emoticons are good.

Get ready to play, I think, the best game ever. Not ever -

it's not better than Monopoly. Second best game ever.

Hollywood Icons!

Melvin. Your team is up first.

On the screen are some movie categories.

-You've got drama, romance...

-LAUGHTER

..action, kids' film, blockbuster, chick flick.

-Chick flick.

-Oh, what?!

-Do you want to...? I don't mind.

-What are you going to go for?

They're the only films that I really know, a chick flick.

-I watch chick flicks as well. I quite enjoy them.

-Yes!

-I'm in touch with my feminine side.

-Yeah.

Shall we do that, just as a test? So chick flick, please.

Chick flick. We're going for chick flick.

-Shitty dancey lady, but what's the film?

-Dirty Dancing!

You're saying Dirty Dancing. It is Dirty Dancing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I love this game!

-Your team's up next.

Which category do you want? Do you want drama, romance,

babies...? Oh, no - kids' films. Babies!? Kids' films,

action or blockbusters?

-I think we're going to go romance, right? Romance. Romance.

-Romance.

It's very romantic - look at the image.

Let's go romance. What is this?

Any ideas?

I thought I had it, till I saw the tent.

What's the tent about? I don't get the tent.

Oh, a lot happens in the tent.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, the tent's key.

-Is it? I know it. It is the...

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I have a romance in the hills." It's that one.

-What's the name of that movie?

-Is it Brokeback Mountain?

-Brokeback Mountain?

It's Brokeback Mountain!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Rochelle, Melvin and Aston. Do you want one?

-Yeah!

-Yeah! What do you want to go for?

-I say kids' movies.

-Kids', yeah.

Kids'? Yeah.

Kids' movie.

-Is that supposed to be a city? Babe?

-Babe: Pig In The City!

-Oh, my God, I love that film!

-Oh, Rochelle!

-Is it Babe?

-I've never seen this one.

-Oh, it's great.

-Is it a good one?

-Really good. It's about a pig that's in a city.

No, it's really good!

It is, in fact, Babe: Pig In The City.

Well done.

That is a good film, though.

-Rickie's team.

-Blockbuster, we're going to go.

They're going for a blockbuster. What is this film?

Hmm...

-We've a clock.

-Clock.

-Red car.

A Toyota Yaris.

LAUGHTER

-Two 8s.

-Yes.

Lightning.

And the really rubbish watch.

Any ideas? I mean, it could be art-house.

-That's quite a lot of numbers.

-Yeah.

-Oh, 88!

-It's Back To The Future.

-You're saying Back To The Future?

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

It's Back To The Future!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's a nice game, though. I like that game.

Shall we do one for everyone watching at home?

If you're watching on your telly.

OK, here is one for you if you're watching on the telly.

Guess the movie and win nothing.

Actually, you can have a point for your house, if you want.

I'll do one now. Can you guess what it is?

It's going online...now.

I'll post the answer online after the show,

on some sort of social media.

Time now for The Sweatbox,

where you get to actually help members of this very audience

who will tell you what small thing they have been sweating about.

Do your best to help them out with advice. Whichever team

they decide has given the most help will get the point.

-Who's in The Sweatbox?

-What's up, guys?

-Oh!

-Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's Marvin from JLS!

How are you, Marvin? What is your sweat?

-OK, so, basically, the missus...

-Hmm?

-LAUGHTER The missus is trying to tell me...

-The missus?

..there's no way that I can have a man drawer.

-What?

-What the hell's a man drawer?

OK, so, me and Roche, we just moved into our new house, you know,

I was in the kitchen unpacking all the stuff,

I make my way over by the stove and there's an empty drawer,

so I started to fill it with my cables, my chargers, my screwdriver,

you know, my playing cards - all the stuff that a man needs, right?

No, it's... Can I just say, there's chargers for stuff that,

first of all, he doesn't even know what they charge any more.

It's probably, like, a Walkman from years ago.

And he wants to stuff it in the draw with batteries

that have blatantly been used and don't work,

earphones, and just this stuff, and then there's, like, Blu-tack in with it and Sellotapes, and...

"You can't chuck it away! Don't chuck it away!"

All the guys here know what I'm talking about.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Do you only have one drawer in your mansion?

LAUGHTER

This is what I'm saying, right. You've got a room for all of that.

You've taken over loads of stuff with your man stuff,

but this is just unnecessary crap.

Can't he just have the one drawer, because we need the point?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Melvin!

-A bit of advice for Marvin?

-This is what you need to do.

Take Rochelle's charger for her phone, hide it somewhere.

She'll be like, "Where's my charger?"

Get it out the man drawer, give it to her - "See? That's what the man drawer's there for."

See? It's very true.

You don't want to anger her like that. If you don't give us this point,

-you don't get some after this baby comes.

-It's very true.

-There will be no Rochelle loving.

-You better know where your bread is buttered.

At least give me a reason.

That was the rea... You're not going to get none when the baby's born.

-There's the reason!

-And we all know you don't like the doghouse.

Marvin, who do you want to give a point to?

As you give that point, think about it.

All right, all right, all right. Let's go Rochelle's team. Melvin's team.

Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. That's how it works.

Thank you. Marvin from JLS, everybody!

CHEERING

So that is it, and I can reveal that tonight's winners

of Sweat The Small Stuff are...

Rickie's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh! Ooh!

Woo-hoo!

Team Print were very excited with that win.

Thank you to Rickie, Kimberley Walsh, Russell Kane, Melvin,

Rochelle and Aston Merrygold.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I have been Nick Grimshaw.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd