Episode 10 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Hiya, I am the voice of Nick Grimshaw

and welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that made a big deal about the little things in life.

Like: Does Rick Edwards like the taste of dog biscuits?

Urgh, gross.

Or: What does Tulisa call her vagina?

My minky.

If I had your vagina I'd call it Two-lipsa.

Urgh, really gross.

And just how much hair can you wax off Union J?

HE SCREAMS

Ah, Union J. Not so gross.

This is Sweat The Small Stuff - the best bits.

Yay!

So do you think you can tell just by looking at someone's face

whether or not they have ever eaten food out of a dustbin? Can you tell?

-I reckon so. I reckon we could do it.

-Yeah, I think so.

Do you think this is a normal thing?

Do you think people eat out of bins, Molly?

I have been known to eat out of my own bin purely for the fact of this.

If I... I live on my own, right?

So if I order a Chinese takeaway

I've got to order standard prawn crackers.

Now, I don't want to eat that whole bag of prawn crackers

cos it's a family size so I eat, you know, a good portion

and then I put them in the bin in their bag.

And then - you know how it is - an hour after the Chinese you think,

"I fancy one of those prawn crackers.

"I'm going back in."

"I'm in the bin!"

Is there anything else you'd eat out of a bin?

Um, well, the reason the prawn cracker's part...

I'll be honest. A poppadom.

They're the same family essentially, aren't they?

The same family, yeah, and they're still...

I'd eat out of your bin any day of the week.

-Woah!

-AUDIENCE GASPS

I was talking about a real bin, guys.

It's not about the girl.

I reckon you've got a clean bin, though.

-Molly's got a real clean bin.

-I do, yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I thought I'd put this to the test

so we rounded up some people on the street and ask them,

"Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?" Melvin, here's one for you.

Hi, my name is Sonia

and on the quiff of Grimmy I swear I'll tell the truth.

Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?

She looks like she's about to knock that person out

that's just asked that. "You stopped me for this shit?"

Again, though, she's lurking around the bins.

-What are we saying then, guys?

-I would say...

-I think she's going to go with no.

-Me too.

-But I don't know if I trust her.

-Vanessa, you decide this one.

-What do you think? Come on.

-Oh, no.

-It's like one of those, "No, but, yeah, but, no."

-It's no or yeah.

OK, well, we're going with no.

You're going no. Vanessa's saying no.

Yes, at work.

-GROANING

-What was it?

-Water melon?

-Why?

Cos it looked good.

Rickie, let's have one for your team. Have a look at this person.

Hi, my name is Stan

and on the quiff of Grimmy I swear to tell the absolute truth.

As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

Audience, what do we think?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

He looks like he has. He could be a dirty wee-er.

James, do you piss in pools?

If I'm really, really bursting I'll do it,

but the amount of times it takes me to drive to the pool

and then get changed...

..get into the pool.

He's had quite a long life, you know?

That's out of order, innit?

Cos he's old, he's definitely done it.

Yeah, like he's had enough time to, you know, have to do that.

Yeah, let's find out.

-Yes.

-When?

-Three days ago.

-Why?

Because I wanted to. Needs must.

Do you have a name for your privates?

Melvin's team, one for you.

Hello, my name is Yasim

and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy I will tell the truth.

Do you have a nickname for your private parts?

No, he's got a nickname. He has to. I pray that he means it.

-OK, they're going yes.

-You happy with that?

-Come on, son.

-Uh, yes.

-What is it?

Uh, yes.

-What do you call it?

-Uh, yes. Yas.

-Yas?

-Yas.

It's called Yas.

Uh, yes. Uh, yes.

His name is Yasim, so his man downstairs is called Yas.

And it says one of the things that have been making you sweat

-is awkward handshakes.

-Uh, yes. I'm really not cool.

-Like, not down with the kids.

-We know.

-Thanks.

You know you meet someone really cool, like you guys,

like maybe going for a fist bump,

and I'm like, not about that sort of thing,

so I go to shake your hand and you just end up holding their fist.

And it's awkward and it goes on for a long time

and it's just really awkward.

I was doing a gig the other week and some guy did an amazing one to me.

Right, go to fist bump. Yeah, sorry.

Get the other hand so we can do it straight on. You ready for this? Go.

Snail.

APPLAUSE

Psst. You two. I'm in here.

Look, I'm hiding in here because this week's challenge is so awkward

I'm actually embarrassed for you. Here are your envelopes.

Open it when you get to the location.

This is the worst challenge of all time.

Sit down, relax and watch TV with your mother.

There will be a selection of sexy scenes all the way from kissing...

..up to full sex?

The person who lasts the longest wins a point for their team.

-Are you kidding?

-Full sex?

Nah.

-Would you like a cushion or anything?

-Yes, please.

What are we going to watch?

HE SNIGGERS

Are you embarrassed by that, Mum?

-Nah.

-It's all a bit lovey-dovey.

Boring.

-Look at that.

-Oh, gosh.

HE SNORTS BACK LAUGHTER

This happens in real life.

This is what people are doing right now as we speak.

HE SNIGGERS

-All right, OK. OK.

-OK.

MOANING

You shouldn't be...

Ooh.

-Oh.

-Oh, God.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, my God.

-Don't look.

-I'm not looking!

-Why don't you...?

-No, no, I'm not looking.

Why don't you not look?

Oh, my days!

-OK.

-Bless.

Are they fighting or something?

Uh, kind of, Mum.

-Oh, my goodness.

-Melvin, I said don't look at it.

I'm not looking, Mum.

OK. OK.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, gosh!

-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

-Oh!

-Oh!

OK. Time out.

No, no. No, no, no. I can't do this.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm out. BUZZER SOUNDS

I will agree to put money towards a kitchen

if you get through the rest of these videos.

SHE MUTTERS PRAYER

-Oh, my days.

-Why does he call my sister's name?!

We should probably talk about the things

that have been annoying you, have been making you sweat.

You've got a phobia, almost, of tomato ketchup.

Yeah. It's just horrible, innit? Everyone seems to like it.

-Catch.

-Oh, don't!

What about if you ate some for a point for your team?

No, I really... Oh, don't.

You know, it would be worse...

-No.

-Just a little bit.

-I'll do everything else. No.

Even the use of the word condiment.

Urgh! Why?

If you ask me, I think The Saturdays

need to start learning to use condiments, love.

Who do you think this man has tattooed on him?

We're going to give you six names.

Out of these six, which two does he have tattooed upon him?

Is it number one, Jordan.

Lorraine Kelly, Gordon Ramsay,

the Queen, Justin Bieber or Bruce Forsyth?

Name me two names, Melvin's team.

-We've got to hurry.

-The Queen. The Queen and Bruce Forsyth.

They're saying the Queen and Bruce Forsyth. What do we think?

-We reckon Justin Bieber's definitely one.

-Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber and Lorraine Kelly.

And you're saying the Queen and Bruce Forsyth.

Can we reveal your celebrity tattoos, please?

-Gordon Ramsay.

-Gordon Ramsay!

-Oh, Uncle Gordon.

-And up there...

Lorraine!

APPLAUSE

I love Lorraine on your thigh. It makes my thighs look so boring.

-Oh, Lorraine. Why?

-I just think she's brilliant.

-She is good, isn't she?

-Yeah, fantastic.

-And why Gordon?

Was it extra money to get all them wrinkles in?

-Now he's had them taken out.

-Has he had them out?

Yeah, bastard. Ooh...

OK, so here we have a super fan of the Saturdays, Adam,

and a super fan of The Wanted, Georgia.

So all you have to do is answer questions about your fans

to get them closer to you. Here are your questions.

First one is for The Wanted.

Question one, a female fan once hid on your tour bus,

but where did you find her?

-In the boot.

-Where the luggage is.

Yes, Max. The luggage compartment.

You can take a step forward to The Wanted. There we go.

A question for The Saturdays.

What two items did Frankie once receive in the post from a super fan -

a map and a key, a proposal and a ring, or a love letter and a nose?

-I would say a ring.

-I don't know, so...

-A ring and a letter.

-You think a proposal and a ring?

-Yeah.

-Absolutely correct.

-Yes.

-Adam, did you send that?

Oh, my God. When he reaches you he is going to rip your faces off.

OK, you have a celebrity tattooed upon your body.

Could we have a twirl so everyone can see you?

OK, this man here. Who does he have tattooed upon his body?

Is it A, Margaret Thatcher in ice cream,

B, Frankie on a horse,

or is it C, Lord Alan Sugar under a rainbow?

I mean, all great options, but who would he have gone for...

Josh? Who do you reckon he would have gone for?

I'm at the moment going for Lord Alan Sugar under a rainbow.

I don't know, he looks like quite a bright, colourful man.

-What do we think? A, B or C?

-Margaret Thatcher.

Margaret Thatcher in an ice cream over here. What do we think over there?

I think it's Margaret Thatcher for the irony of it.

You're both going Thatcher?

They're both saying Margaret Thatcher in an ice cream cone.

Can we reveal your tattoo? Is it Thatcher in an ice cream cone?

It is...

Margaret Thatcher in an ice cream cone!

APPLAUSE

-Yes, my man!

-Why is she in an ice cream cone?

-Can I ask one question?

-Yeah.

Why?

For a tribute and I love Mr Whippy ice cream.

-Well, there you go.

-Oh, perfect!

-Thank you so much.

Wait there. Wait there, wait there.

-Oh.

-I've got one more thing I need to show you.

-OK.

-Just before.

-OK.

-You might...whatever, but...

-OK.

Here you go, look.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's cool. Wow.

That's intense.

Wow! Is that real?

-Is that actually a real tattoo?

-Yeah, man, yeah.

-Oh, my God.

-I did it last night.

-When did you do it?

-I did it last night.

-Last night?

My face and Margaret Thatcher on his calves.

-James.

-All right, mate?

I have some of your sweats here.

I think we should start with blue tack.

What's your issue with blue tack?

I moved into a new flat and the landlord doesn't want us using blue tack,

which, to begin with, I wasn't bothered with.

I know it's like, you know, you can't put posters up with it.

-What kind of posters do you have?

-I don't even have posters.

Which is part of the problem.

So what do you want to use the blue tack for?

I want to roll it into sausages and, like, roll it into...

You can play with blue tack. It's a lot of fun.

Like, you can do the sphere and then if you don't enjoy the sphere

you switch it up to a sausage,

but you've got to move your hand accordingly

as you are doing the sausage, otherwise...

I know when I was doing that a lot of you were like,

"That sausage is going to be awfully thin in the middle if you keep that up."

You should do it so that you get a nice, long, even sausage.

And then, if you want, you can roll that up into a snail.

I'm not going to buy packs of blue tack

specifically for my modelling, my hobby, right?

You don't buy them and play with them straight out the pack,

so I've got to have other flatmates putting posters up

so I can scrounge for the blue tack,

and now that's not an option, so those dreams are over.

The Saturdays, the fan standing in front of you now is Adam.

He has spent hours making a beautiful fan book for Una

-and gave it to Una for her birthday.

-Yeah.

But what did Una do to thank him? Did she, A...

Why haven't you got ones about the other girls?

Because you have no fans.

LAUGHTER

-Did she, A, send him a thank-you tweet?

-Right, right.

-Did she, B, reply with a personal letter?

-Don't fucking know!

Or did she, C, send him a picture of herself reading that book?

-Definitely C.

-Actually, Una's a coward, she did nowt.

-BUZZER SOUNDS

-Ooh!

-Oh!

The Wanted.

-Once, a fan threw something on stage.

-Oh, yeah...

-It said, "I love Max" on it.

-Yeah, it did. Yeah.

-What was that thing?

-Just say it really nicely.

-Erm...

-What will you do when you get hold of them?

-Who knows?

-Oh, whoa!

What are all those knives? Just kidding!

A fan once threw something onstage that said, "I love Max."

What was that thing, Max?

It was a used...

AUDIENCE GROANS

..sanitary plug. FURTHER GROANS

That's absolutely correct. Georgie, you can meet The Wanted!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time to grope on a rope.

Go on, snog, snog, snog!

AUDIENCE: Snog, snog!

-Yeah!

-CHEERING

On the lips, Max. Wahey!

Who do we think this man has tattooed upon him?

If you give us a little turn, little spin around.

OK, there's tattoos there but who does he have tattooed upon him?

Is it, A, Jack Dee from comedy?

Is it, B, Michael Ball from musicals?

Or is it, C, Brandon Flowers from The Killers?

Who do we think, Rickie's team?

Yeah, we like the quiff, the quiff going on.

-You're a Killers kind of guy.

-You think C?

-We're going to go C.

-Over here, what are we saying?

-Well, he LOOKS like a killer...

-Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're scaring us, bro!

-But Jamie did point out that he's got dancing shoes on.

-Yes.

So we're going to say Michael Ball.

You're saying Michael Ball, you're saying C, Brandon Flowers.

I can reveal that this man has upon his body...

-All of them.

-..he has absolutely all of them.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-So on there we have...

-AUDIENCE SCREAMS

He has tattooed on his body all of these names.

-Colin Farrell, the drummer from Franz Ferdinand.

-The drummer, ha ha!

The singer from Franz Ferdinand, the guitarist, the bass player,

Kelly Jones, The Edge from U2,

someone he can't remember the name of,

Brandon Flowers, the singer from The Hives,

a picture of a famous man he found online,

Kevin Pietersen, Mark Ronson, Adam Levine, Justin Theroux,

Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey, Johnny Depp, Michael Ball,

Mark Lamarr, Jack Dee,

Stephen Baldwin, Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys,

Freddie Ljungberg, Eric Hymen, Yonah Griffiths - who's that?

And probably more as he can't remember who some of them are.

A round of applause for my favourite guy of all time.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you. That's incredible.

Danny Dyer, it says here you've been sweating

about this miniature dog, the Chihuahua.

Yeah, I got... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..bullied into buying

a Chihuahua by my daughters.

They wanted a teacup Chihuahua.

-They're tiny.

-There ain't no such thing as a teacup Chihuahua,

what it is is the runt of the litter, right?

A little thing sitting in the corner shaking

with all piss coming out of its eyes. LAUGHTER

There's a geezer over the park with a Frisbee, with a big red setter dog,

chucking his Frisbee, the dog's catching it and all that.

I'm walking along.

My dog's a bit cold, his jumper ain't thick enough.

-What, has he got a name?

-He's called Dodger!

LAUGHTER

This is worth one point.

ECHOES: Point, point, point...

I'm bringing my A game today. It's challenge time.

Oh, my God, I'm excited, let's do it!

Let's make this challenge happen.

It's this way.

"Ask someone what floor they want and get it wrong five times."

-Which floor do you need, mate?

-P2, please.

-P2. P...three?

Two. This one here.

-P1?

-No, P2.

-P4's up there, though.

BEEP

-I'll just press both because I'll just...

-Or it could be P4.

It's a good one that, it's a good one.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Doors opening.

I think it's this one.

All right, see you later.

RICKIE LAUGHS

-What floor do you want?

-P1.

-Lower ground?

-P1, this is going up.

-Four?

-This is going up.

-Oh, three. Do you want two?

-P1.

-You want one?

-One, yeah.

-Oh, you want one?

-Yeah.

-Not ground floor then?

-No!

-Oh, P1.

-Yeah.

-Right.

No problem, sorry.

"Get someone to hold your hand." Nice one.

This lift goes fast, by the way. It's a fast one.

-I get really scared of lifts. Could you hold my hand?

-No.

-OK.

"Invade somebody's personal space. Stand no less than one foot away."

What?!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"Announce that you've farted

"and get someone to step away from the danger zone."

Whoo! Whoa, sugar!

I just farted. Oh! I would...

You might want to go over there,

it smells a little bit like egg mixed in with broccoli.

Oh, man! Can you not smell that?

Stinks!

Oh, no.

Sorry, I had a lot of bacon today. you might want to move.

It's an eggy one. Sorry, guys. It's a strong one today.

Let's do one for your team, let's have this next person, please.

-Have they done it in a park?

-Hi, my name is Mo.

On the quiff of Grimmer, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever had sex in a park?

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Yeah!

-What a face!

-It's the way that he licked his lips.

-He had sex in a park yesterday.

-Yeah!

-Do you reckon, yes?

-Yeah, this dude has blatantly had sex in a park.

-Think so?

You're a professional, you should know.

I think he's about to say, "not yet." I think not yet.

You think "not yet", interesting angle.

-Frankie, you're saying...?

-He looks like the kind of guy, even if he hadn't, he'd be, "Yep."

-"Yeah, loads."

-What are we saying?

-What do you all think?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

-They're all, like, "Yes."

-Let's say yes.

They're being bullied by the audience into saying yes.

Think about that one. No.

Not yet, anyway.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Not yet!

We'll start with your team, Rickie.

Let's have a look at our first victim on the street.

-Have they ever eaten out of a bin?

-All right.

Hi, my name is Simon, I swear on the quiff of Grimmy

to tell the whole truth.

Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?

-What do you think?

-I definitely think he does.

-All right.

The thing is, there's bins in the background,

he's probably eaten from there.

He looks like he eats out of a bin, gets dressed out of a bin,

washes in a bin.

They're saying yes, let's find out.

-Yes.

-What?

-Chips.

LAUGHTER

Standard!

You two, get ready to make some noise. OK, hold onto that.

I'll hold onto there.

OK. I'll join Frankie in our lounge. Put your glasses on, have a listen.

-Frankie, think about it. Ready?

-Are you trying to hear it through me?

-Yeah.

-Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Ah!

-That's it.

You and Wayne would probably not do this because you'd hate it.

-Oh, oh, is it ketchup?

-Yeah!

Oh, my God! SHE QUIVERS

It reminds me of, like, dirty little children with it round their mouth.

-Dirty little children?

-I can smell it.

You need to go to therapy, Frankie!

Get ready to play, I think, the best game ever...

Not ever, it's not better than Monopoly.

Second best game ever - Hollywood Icons.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Melvin, your team is up first.

-On the screen are some movie categories.

-Chick flick, please.

We're going for chick flick.

Shitty dancy lady, but what's the film?

-Dirty Dancing?

-You're saying Dirty Dancing, it's Dirty Dancing!

Shitty dancy lady, ha ha!

APPLAUSE

-I love this game.

-Your team's up next.

Which category do you want?

Do you want drama, romance, babies... Oh no, kids' films.

Babies! ..action or blockbusters?

I think we'll go romance, right? Romance.

Very romantic. Look at the image. Let's go romance. What is this?

-Any ideas?

-I thought I had it until I saw the tent.

What's the tent about? I don't get the tent.

-A lot happens in the tent.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, the tent's key.

-Is it...? Go on.

"I have a romance in the hills." It's that one, isn't it?

What's the name of that movie?

-Is it Brokeback Mountain?

-It's Brokeback Mountain!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Rochelle, Melvin and Aston, do you want one?

-Yes, please.

-Yeah.

-Yeah! What do you want to go for?

-I say kids' movie.

-Kids, yeah.

-Kids?

-Yeah.

-Kids' movie.

-Is that supposed to be a city? Babe: Pig In The City.

-Babe: Pig In The City?

-Oh, my God I love that film.

-Don't cry, Rochelle!

-Is it Babe?

-I've never seen this one.

-Oh, it's great.

It's really good, it's about a pig that's in a city.

It's really good.

It is in fact, Babe: Pig In The City.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Una, I want to talk to you about some of your sweats.

-Right, OK.

-One of the things you've been sweating about is...

-The number two.

-Literally, yeah.

-In public...

-Yes.

-..places, obviously.

Well, toilets, public toilets.

You know when you go in, "Is the coast clear? Right, OK. It's grand."

The next thing, a person comes in, you're like, "Oh, no."

It's just about to come out so you have to...

The noise, you get so nervous they'll hear the noise.

-I've got a solution that I have tried myself.

-Go on.

It's the...I call it the poo hammock.

What you do is you get a load of toilet roll and fold it up

-so you've got three or four thicknesses.

-OK.

-Concertina.

-Then you just have it as a...

Then you put it underneath and then gradually lower the...

-You know when you see a whale getting transported from SeaWorld?

-Yeah!

So then very slowly into the basin. And that is a silent entry.

I could be taking that to Dragons' Den.

APPLAUSE

-Who is first in the Sweat Box?

-Hi, I'm Claire.

-ALL: Hi, Claire.

-Hi, Claire.

What's your sweat?

-Am I too old...

-No!

-..to be obsessed with a boy band?

-How old are you?

-I'm 32.

-No.

-No.

-Who are the boy band?

-It's One Direction.

-CHEERING

-Never too old.

I think Harry's had great taste so far

and you're younger than some of the girls

that Harry's been with from One Direction so...

I mean, talking...I'm looking at you now and I...would.

Easy, Max!

No, I definitely think that...yeah.

Claire, when you say obsessed, what do you mean by obsessed? Would you lick their face?

-I'd probably lick their face.

-OK.

-And who's your favourite?

-Louis is my favourite.

-Well, you could have Louis maybe

-or you could have Max right now.

-Let's go for it!

-Oh, my God!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my...!

LAUGHTER

Whoo!

You've cured her, praise be to Jesus!

Or, would you like to be a lesbian with The Saturdays?

I'm happy with that as well, yeah!

WHOOPING

Come on, come on, get down there, get down there!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-OK.

-Come on!

-Who are you going to give a point to?

-Boy band or lesbians?

-Sorry, ooh...

-Lezzers!

-I think I'll go for the lesbians.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff.

I have been Nick Grimshaw, good night.

I will see you next series, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd