Episode 9 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hiya. I'm Nick Grimshaw. Well, the voice of Nick Grimshaw.

Look, there I am. Look how big my head is.

Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that made a big deal about all the little things in life,

like who's taller, Melvin or Aston? Who cares?

Or, it is possible to make the show in 3D?

No, no, it's not.

Or can Ricky manage to appear sober in front of his mum?

I've got a list here of things that I... Things that I need you to do.

Nope.

And can Rochelle carve my face into that man's chest hair?

It looks nothing like me, does it?

This is Sweat The Small Stuff - The Best Bits.

Time now for round one.

-Are you ready, teams?

-Yes.

This round is figuring out, if we can,

just by looking at someone, judge if they watch porn.

We thought we'd put this to the test.

We've rounded up some people on the street and asked them,

do you watch porn?

The way this is going to work is we'll see that person swear on this.

It's a quiff of me. We got them to swear on it to the absolute truth.

All you teams have to do is decide

if they are indeed a lover of all things rude.

You are going to go first, Ricky's team.

Hi, my name's Bethany, I promise to swear the absolute truth on the quiff of Grimmy.

Do you watch porn? I...

LAUGHTER

-She's amazing.

-What do you think? AUDIENCE: Yes!

She was going to say yes, and then she thought about it.

She looks a bit as though she's going to say, "Willies are dirty!" or something.

-What are you going for?

-We are going to say no.

Let's find out.

-Yes.

-What sort?

Um...all sorts.

Depends what...you know. You know.

Oh, God!

LAUGHTER

We rounded up some people on the street and asked them,

have you ever sent a dirty picture message?

We're going to start with your team, Melvin.

Hi, I'm Ben.

I swear on the quiff of Grimmy that I'm telling the truth,

the whole truth.

Have you ever sent a dirty picture message?

-Hmm!

-He's very serious!

-Very serious man, but is he dirty on the phone?

He looks like a killer!

I think he looks like he's got loads of whippets.

And there's too many.

I think he looks like he would send them to people

even if they didn't want them.

What do we think, do we think he sends them?

-Yes or no?

-Yeah.

-Let's find out - is he dirty?

-Yes.

-What of?

Cock.

All you have to do is decide if they are indeed an evil, devious phone-snooper.

-We'll start with your team, Ricky. Are they a snooper?

-OK.

Hi, my name is Hannah,

and on the quiff of Grimmy, I promise to tell the truth.

Have you ever gone through your partner's phone?

-Oooh!

-What do you think, guys?

-I don't know.

-She looks pretty confident. Was she Aussie as well?

-I think so.

-OK.

-Definitely, then, definitely.

-I reckon we'll say yes.

Let's find out.

-Yes.

-Why?

Cos I was a paranoid psycho.

Melvin's team, one for you.

Have they done it with more or less than eight people?

Hello. I'm Filippo. On the quiff of Grimmy I swear to tell the truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

-Yes! Filippo!

-Filippo.

-Audience are saying yes.

-I think yes.

Before they even spoke, they're like, "I've done him, I've had him!"

-"I'm doing him now."

-The guy sounds sexy.

-He did a little recall as well. He was like...

-Definitely.

-Who hasn't he slept with is the question!

-Let's find out.

They're saying yes.

At the same time?

LAUGHTER

So, separately, yes. At the same time, no.

But it could be something to put on the list!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

What's been making you sweat, Jaime? It says on here, "LOL".

-Why has LOL been making you sweat?

-It just really gets under my skin.

-You LOLs all the time and it's really irritating.

-What do you mean?

-LOLs off. It's like, just laugh out loud.

-Oh!

Is it when people, like, say it, or when they write it?

-Both! I think it's really stupid and I think you should...

-LOL.

See what I mean?! LOL! It's just like - no!

Sometimes you can't ROFL cos the carpet's dirty.

-It is a nightmare sometimes.

-I'm not ROFLing on that!

Where did T go in ROFL?

Roll on the floor laughing. Who dropped the T?

-Oh, is that what that means?

-Yeah!

-What did you think it meant?

-I thought...

-What did you think?

I don't know,

but when I used to see it, I used to think, "Who's Rolf?"

Everybody knew Rolf, but nobody can spell his name!

It used to wind me up! I'd think, "That's not how you spell it!"

-OK, if you'd like to take a seat.

-Do you have to use accents for this?

-Yes.

-I can only do a Ghanaian accent.

The rules are very strict, but remember, BBC Three viewers,

rules mean fun.

When you describe the food,

you cannot say what the food is or say what country it's from.

You can use the accent of that country. Fingers crossed for Ghana!

You get a point for each dish you get right, then we'll move on to the next.

You can pass at any time if you want.

-Dem's the rules. Are you ready?

-Er, yeah.

-Take a seat. Have you two ever been to dinner together?

-No.

-This is our first time, actually.

-So, are you ready?

-Yeah.

Let's see what is on the menu first tonight.

-STRANGE ACCENT: OK, so it is a...

-No, it's not Ghana.

-Hey! What's-a-matter-wid-you?

-What's-a-matter-wid-you?

I think you're in the wrong country.

-Did you say Italy?

-Oh, wow.

It is a delicious treat.

-Aston, help me!

-It's very long.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, delicious.

Please help me!

-IN AFRICAN ACCENT:

-I do not even know what to say to you now.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

We're both African!

Can we pass on this one?

-IN AFRICAN ACCENT:

-I don't know what you...

Here is another thing that I've been sweating about. Have a look at this.

SEXY MUSIC RICKIE: Hold on!

# Feels so good... #

-HOLLY:

-My goodness me!

SCARY MUSIC

It's my face!

Oh, it's your face we're looking at, OK.

I want to try and catch it.

LAUGHTER

So what is it about this that I've been sweating about?

I don't get it!

So what is it? You've got schizophrenia?

Yes, I'm mental!

On the right side, you're sweating,

because Father Time has taken its toll on your face.

It's not looking too good.

Ooh-ho-ho!

Father Time?!

I see, so he's got a good side...

Like, when you go, "Don't shoot me from this side

"because I've got a good side."

Boom! Correct, Holly Willoughby!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Thank you.

-That is correct, Holly.

I have been sweating about having a best side.

I thought it was a thing that just, like, Mariah Carey did,

just to be a dickhead.

It was annoying that someone says

I do have a better side and a bad side. Here is my face here.

We're going to do some actual science.

There's my normal face.

-Let's do my best side.

-Ugh!

That's the better version, before you laugh!

Wait till you see the bad version!

I like your middle tooth, Grimmy!

-It's nice, isn't it?

-Impressive.

-Do you want to see my double bad side?

-ALL: Yeah!

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

That's so weird!

I thought maybe, like, Wolverine and Ross from Friends.

Like, moulded together with glue.

Next one. What ze 'eck is this?

IN AFRICAN ACCENT: So, basically...

LAUGHTER

Oh, get on with it!

-Can you tell the country from the flag?

-Yes!

OK, come on! Describe what's there.

-It's a...

-It's a...slice of...

-Slice of meat.

-This is good.

Kind of... Kind of...

Are you French?

Non!

Although, sounding even more French when saying, "Non!"

It is a cut of meat, sliced meat. Very delicious.

LAUGHTER

-Any ideas?

-Not a clue.

That was a Spanish accent. They were trying to be Spanish.

-Oh, my God!

-Trying to describe chorizo.

Terrible. We'll do one more.

Here's the next one.

Try not and be African accent, OK?

-No African, no French.

-OK.

What ze 'eck is this?

Oh, this is sehr gut!

LAUGHTER

Das ist gut, ja?

-German?

-Ja!

-Ja!

Hans, we like...

Ze long, like Marvin!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A schnitzel?

JLS, Marvin!

Oh, das ist... Ooh, entschuldigung!

-Oh, delicious!

-Any ideas?

-Not a clue.

-Do you want this?

-No! Oh, my God!

Marvin's going to be loving you two!

LAUGHTER

-Let's try Melvin, shall we?

-Right.

Do you think you have a good side or a bad side? Do you know?

Either side's good for me.

Take what I can get, Grimmy. That's what I've learned in life.

Which is your good side?

Er, it's this side,

because I've got a chickenpox mark on this side.

Let's see the two good sides together.

Oh, I look like Cee-Lo Green!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God! I'm scared to try the bad sides! Shall we do it?

-Yeah!

OK, let's do two bad sides.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Holly, would you like a go?

-Yeah!

-ROCHELLE:

-She doesn't have a bad side!

OK, well, let's find out.

Let's do Holly's best sides first.

-Oh, my God!

-Holly, you look the same!

APPLAUSE

Let's do Holly Willoughby's bad side. Does she even have one?

-No!

-She looks like Mollie from The Saturdays!

Yeah, your bad side, you just look like Sienna Miller!

-I hear you've been sweating about flies?

-Yes, flies.

Why are they here? What do they want?

What, what, what... What is it?

-I've no idea!

-They wake up in the morning, right, IF they wake up...

They fly about, making a stupid noise, right?

What are they looking for?

They're looking for a pile of shit to sit on.

The worst flies are the ones in Spain.

They land on you, you go like that, it's like a yo-yo.

It just comes back, like that.

I tell you what I love - to see a fly stuck in a spider's web.

LAUGHTER

I look at it going, "You're fucked!"

"You ain't eating no more shit, mate. It's over."

-What are they about? I don't get it.

-I don't know!

They fucking wind me up!

Psst! Down here!

-Hi, guys.

-Hello.

-Sorry we had to meet here again.

Right, this week's challenge is all about celebrity divas,

when celebrities turn into spoilt eight-year-olds

just because they're famous.

Well, this week I'm going to transform you

into those celebrity divas.

I have your tasks here in gold envelopes.

OK, go do it. Bye.

Oh, before you go, will you get me some toilet roll? Black toilet roll.

I don't do white toilet roll.

We could get punched today.

That one point is mine.

You know I'm going to win this.

I am so ready!

"Celebs rarely pay for stuff.

"Blag yourself a free gift." Next one.

You all right? I don't want to make a big deal out of this.

As you know, I'm a big celebrity.

How about two char-chars for free? Yeah?

You're not going to do that?

-No.

-All right. Your choice.

Hey, fellas! How you doing? Rickie Haywood-Williams!

So, who's got my free fish?

But, free fish?

What?

"Convince someone you're being followed by paparazzi." What?!

"You're a lazy celeb. Get someone to carry you across the road."

Excuse me. Finally, someone that looks like they can help me.

I'm trying to get to that coffee shop over there.

-Excuse me?

-Mmm-hmm?

You know it's me, right? Don't make it obvious.

There's a guy behind you. I think he's paparazzi,

and I can't afford to get pictured again.

Could you just give me a piggyback over there?

THEY GIGGLE I'm not heavy.

I haven't even eaten today.

Could you just shield me with your jacket just across the road?

Is that cool? Mind the road! Mind the road!

Mind the road! Mind the road!

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

"Get your own VIP area in a restaurant."

"Get someone to stir your coffee in an anticlockwise direction."

-Hi.

-Hi!

Don't make it look like you recognise me or anything.

Would it be OK to, like, kind of cordon off an area for me?

I've got a rope.

Could you cordon it off for me?

I don't think so... We don't have...anything like that.

You don't know who I am? Really?!

Excuse me, don't make a big deal out of this,

but could you possibly stir my drink for me?

Because Melvin Odoom doesn't stir his drink.

-It's getting cool.

-Is this a joke?!

It's got to be at room temperature.

No, no, anticlockwise.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

You keep that, you can sell that online. Get some money for it.

APPLAUSE

Joe Walsh, what is making you sweat all of this week?

It says here, "Returning missed calls."

Right, returning missed calls. This is always annoying me.

What happens is, someone calls you, your mate calls you, you miss the call.

You call him. He misses your call.

Oh, I hate that!

This keeps on happening all day, then he calls you,

you JUST missed the call, JUST!

JUST missed the call.

Call straight back, he doesn't answer.

Where the fuck is he? What's going on?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's not been enough time for him to put the phone back in his pocket.

If you call back straightaway, all that could have happened here

is you've not answered and he's gone, "Fuck him!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, teams, the next round is The Big Little Question.

Last week, I asked my Radio 1 Breakfast Show listeners

the Biggest Little Question that we've been sweating about this week,

and this is something I think that everyone can relate to.

We were inundated with texts about this. Almost harassed.

So I asked the question,

"What are the top three ways to be annoying online?

OK, I have three envelopes here. One, two, three.

Each of these envelopes contains one of the top three answers

for ways to be annoying online.

One member of each team must select an envelope.

If they are brave enough to post whatever is in the envelope online,

they will win one glorious point for their team.

-Do we want to do this?

-Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do this.

Rickie, which envelope would your team like?

Let's go number three.

OK, this is for you.

What is in there? For a bonus point for your team,

-to embarrass yourself online?

-THEY LAUGH

Make sure you show it, please, to the camera, so we all know.

LAUGHTER

Rylan!

-Right now, yeah?

-Right now!

What, just get up?

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, listen!

I need to know. So, Rylan, Rylan... You're a model.

Come and give me some help.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're not doing it with me! You not doing it with me!

He just wants to undress you, Rickie!

That's what's happening here!

Joel, you sit down.

Let me just get out of the way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ricky is tensing so hard!

Shut up!

I so am!

-Are you two ready?

-I've not got a body like that, as we all know.

You've got to show a bit as well.

No! Oh, no, this is so embarrassing!

You've got to!

This is so gay.

-Ricky is a pro.

-Done.

-It's done, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Too much, Ryland. Can we see the picture on camera one?

Oh, my God!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Melvin, one more for you.

-Yes, please.

-OK.

Hi, I'm Lauren. This is my boyfriend, James.

On the quiff of Grimmy, we swear to tell the truth.

Have you ever gone through your partner's phone?

-Yes!

-I reckon she has.

They then have a bitch-fight in the street,

he then throws the quiff at her,

she takes the scarf and lassos him with it.

He starts crying, they kiss and make up

and then they get rid of both of their phones and live in a field.

Let's find out if that's the answer.

-Yes.

-James'?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Erm...

For a few reasons.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Let's have the first potential perv, please.

Hi, my name's Chris.

I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the absolute truth.

Have you slept with more than eight people?

Whoa!

-What do we think?

-I don't think he has.

-Why?

-He looks a little bit shy.

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

He's got purple hair!

That's to cover up his shyness. I think he's a little bit nervous.

-What do you think?

-I think...

There'll be a girl. She'll have the same hair as him. Definitely, yeah.

We're going for yes.

You're going for yes? Let's find out.

No. I'm a bit of a loser in that sense.

I've been with...five.

You know, not too bad.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

APPLAUSE

-One for you?

-Yes.

Hi, my name is Stephanie. On the quiff of Grimmy,

I swear to tell you the truth.

Do you watch porn?

LAUGHTER

She looked a little bit insulted.

-Yeah.

-Also, she looks like she just left court.

What are we saying? Does she watch porn?

She looks like, "Oh, shit. How did you guess?"

-Exactly. That's exactly it.

-You think so?

She's a secret porn watcher.

Is she going to admit it?

-You call it. This is on you.

-You're the captain.

-I'm going to say yes.

Yes. I think yes as well. Let's find out.

-Sometimes.

-What sort?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anything I can find.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my!

Anything! Anything! She can get her dirty little hands on. Anything!

OK, teams. What is it about this that I've been sweating about?

# Daddy, I've fallen for a monster. #

OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's Stooshe off of the pop charts.

But what is it about that that has got me sweating?

I don't know, but I like them. They're good, innit?

-They're good.

-Three sexy ladies.

Yes, I hate women!

-Girl bands?

-Not girl bands.

-Harmonies?

-Not harmonies.

You don't like people singing live?

Boom, Rochelle! I do not like people singing near me.

And I hate the fact that I'm a radio DJ who absolutely hates live music.

Does anyone else hate live music? I love Wretch 32's face.

"No, it is my living."

-I'm in shock!

-No, I don't like it.

I can never see at gigs. I'm too small.

Is it harder when you go to a gig and you can't see the band

to pick which one you want as your next boyfriend?

GROANING

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Leave her alone!

I've seen you in action at a festival, so I have to...

See, festival is all right, because there's other distractions.

But the downside is that when you go to a festival, the best place

to watch bands is also the worst place, the most dangerous.

There's a mosh pit, people throwing bottles of piss.

Have you had anything thrown at you, Rochelle?

Probably. I just choose to ignore it.

I'm like, "I'm still going to perform, whether you like it or not.

"I'm enjoying myself and having a whale of a time. Throw the piss!"

Don't do that as an opening monologue. "You want to throw piss?"

How do you know when it's piss?

You've got to do a little reach-around next time.

GROANING

Yeah. Stranger's piss in my mouth.

Which leads us on to our next game. The wonderfully titled

Urine The Line Of Fire.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we are then at my favourite festival, Wee In The Park.

It's a tiny festival, perfect for Melvin.

The way this is going to work,

you'll have some bottles of fresh urine to throw at a musical target.

Two musical stars will pop up, on the stage,

and you have to decide which target you are aiming for.

The one that most deserves to be covered in piss.

OK, Ricky. Who will play from your team?

The lovely Miss Caroline Flack!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's find out who you'll be throwing piss at this evening.

Olly Murs!

James Arthur!

Who shall I throw it at?

THEY SHOUT

The public are saying James. Caroline Flack,

get ready to throw piss at James Arthur.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Overarm. Aiming for the face. Aiming for the face.

Get aggressive, Flacky. Oh, no! It's Styles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get Harry!

Well done, hitting Harry.

Go for James Arthur.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

When I look through a friend's phone,

I want to send an awful text message to somebody.

Or do a tweet or something.

That's how I found out that my ex was cheating on me.

That's how I found out. It was when the iPhone had just come out.

I just got one and he just got one. He was in panto, he was Aladdin.

Trust me, it gets so much better.

"Oh, you've got an iPhone as well?" "Yeah, I got it yesterday."

He went and made a cup of tea.

I had a little look. Then it just popped up. "My God, is he at yours?

"I feel really bad now." I was like, "What?" He said, "Slide to read."

You slide to read. You know what I mean?

So I slid to read...

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

I slid to read. Turns out he was fucking Jafar.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now for The Sweatbox, where you get to help members of this audience

who will tell you what small thing they've been sweating about.

Who's first in The Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Sarah. ALL:

-Hi, Sarah.

What's your sweat?

I keep sleep-cheating on my boyfriend with a celebrity.

Amazing. Who?

Grimmy.

-It's...

-Am I?

Yeah, you are.

-Yeah.

-You have sex with Grimmy?

-We kind of go for it.

-Amazing!

Is it just you two?

-There's a couple of other people that appear.

-Who?

Harry appears.

You and Harry together?

We're just friends. It's while Grimmy does his hair,

he makes me hang out with Harry while he does his hair.

I don't think this is a dream. I think this is real life!

Is your boyfriend here?

-Yes.

-Let's get him in the box with you. Where is your boyfriend?

Get your boyfriend in.

He's very reluctant to stand up.

APPLAUSE

How does it feel to have such a deceitful girlfriend?

Do we have any advice for her?

I've got some advice for the boyfriend.

You could use this to your advantage.

If she ever catches you cheating,

you can say, "Sorry, I was sleep-shagging."

I say really take Grimmy home with you tonight,

fuck him, and then you won't dream about him any more.

APPLAUSE

Who's in The Sweatbox, please?

Hello, I'm Georgina.

Hi, Georgina.

-Hi.

-What is your sweat?

Someone did a poo in my kettle and boiled it.

GROANING

We had a house party for my birthday

and somebody did a poo in the kettle and boiled it.

How did you find it?

Because it boiled everywhere. It stunk the whole house.

Oh, my God. Danny. Any advice for Georgina here?

Find out who it is, go around their house

and shit all over their fucking carpet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you still got the kettle?

Er, no.

People round at your house are like...

"Is this milk off?" Any advice over here? What would we do?

First of all, find out who it is.

Then what you do is, you go around the house

and piss in the vodka and Red Bull.

Both great options. Who are you going for?

-That team.

-You're going for Team Rickie?

OK, another point for your team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff.

I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd