Episode 8 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Hello! Hi! I'm Nick Grimshaw and this is Sweat The Small Stuff!

Yeah!

Hello.

-Hello, everyone. Hi, hello. Welcome to the last in the series...

-AUDIENCE "Awww!"

..of Sweat The Small Stuff.

We should meet our team captains. They've been like the two cheeks of one beautiful arse.

It's Rickie Haywood Williams and Melvin Odoom!

-Hi, Rickie! Are you OK?

-I'm OK.

-It's the last in the series.

-I'm really sad.

-I'll miss your face. Your "almost as incredible as Usher's" face.

-Samuel L Jackson once told me

-I'm like the busted-looking Usher.

-You are. Like Usher got run over.

And he didn't have insurance.

-Melvin, I'm going to miss a lot about you.

-Really?

-Yeah. Your connections to Rickie.

Let's see who's on their teams.

On Rickie's team is a dubstep superstar whose album is On A Mission.

It's Katy B!

And joining her, one of the best young comedians in the country

who has toured with some of the biggest names in comedy. James Acaster, everybody!

And over on Melvin's team, the last member of the Saturdays to appear - it's Una Healy!

And one of the most handsome men of all time.

It's Rick Edwards!

-Una Healy, everybody. Hello, Una.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Good, thank you.

-You're the final Saturday to appear.

-I'm sweating it a bit now.

-Do you feel nervous?

-A little bit.

Why did you look at me when you said that?!

And, everybody, Katy B is here!

-Katy B, I love your new song.

-Oh, thank you.

-It goes like this.

TRACK PLAYS

It's just a little clip. Really good. I've played it every day.

-Aww.

-I'm obsessed.

-Well, if that helps me sell a few more records, obsess away.

-It won't help with anything!

-Rick, I wanted to talk to you about your sweats.

-Thank you.

-Your nipples?

-Well, the thing is...

I was doing my daily naked torso examination,

just to check what's going wrong, what's going right, and I realised my nipples are positioned too low.

- Not massively. Just an inch too low. - Can we see?

Here they are. They should be here.

As soon as you notice that, it's been playing on my mind!

-I worry mine are too small.

-Oh, really? What coin denomination?

-They're like a 5p.

-That's not that small!

-Some people say the nipple is the diddy that sticks out.

-That's not 5p.

- The areola. - So the whole areola and...

Una, stop talking about nipples.

-What about yours, Katy? Your nipples. What...

-Rickie!

-Nice try!

-I saw the opportunity.

-- That wasn't an opportunity! - What size coin?

-Yeah, what size coin?

-Em...

Massive chocolate coin?

-10p? That's quite big, isn't it?

-No, 10p is normal. Una, what do you...?

-50p.

-50p?!

-Yours are a 50p?

-Another one of your sweats, Rick...

-Sorry. Does no one care what my nipples look like?

-I'm sitting here on the end...

-James, James...

-We care.

Get your nipples out for everybody watching BBC3.

CHANT: Do it! Do it! Do it!

-You name...

-I don't respond to the old nipple chants.

Never fell for it in school, not going to fall for it now.

The nipples are staying in the jumper. Plus I only have one.

-OK, teams. Ready for Round One?

-Yes!

This whole series, we haven't been worried about the big news stories - war, politics.

We're far more interested in stories like this teeny tiny one

that says two Olympian swimmers admitted to peeing in the pool.

This got a lot of us thinking about whether or not it was OK to sneakily top up the pool with your own urine.

We will see the person in the street swear on...

..this. This is the Quiff - slightly damp - the Quiff of Me.

The slightly soggy, pee-drenched Bible on which we got them to swear the absolute truth.

All you have to do is decide if they ever peed in a pool.

-Does anyone pee in the pool?

-It's there for you to piss in.

-Well, that's not totally true.

-Una, answer my highbrow question. Do you piss in pools?

-I did spend most of my young life in a pool

-cos I was a...

-Mermaid?

-A champion swimmer. A mermaid.

-I still dream about being in a swimming pool, which isn't a good thing at night.

-Yes.

-That's never happened either.

-Good to know.

-But maybe when I was young.

-I want a yes or no answer. James, do you piss in pools?

If I'm really, really bursting,

I'll do it, but the amount of time it takes me to drive to the pool and then get changed,

get into the pool...

-Katy?

-If you're the only one in the pool and having a look around...

-You've just done a PA in Ibiza.

-Yeah, you know.

-It's better to let it all out.

-Let it ALL out!

OK, let's find out now. Can you tell just by looking at someone if, as an adult,

they have peed in the pool? I think everyone's done it.

Start with your team, Melvin. Let's have the first person, please.

Hi, I'm Leonardo. On the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the truth.

As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

He definitely has, but we don't know whether he'll admit to it.

-So yes?

-Is this people who don't necessarily understand the question?

-We'll say yes.

-You're saying yes? Let's find out.

-Of course.

-When?

Last time, last summer.

-Why?

-Because toilet was busy.

-Good reason.

-All right. One for your team, Rickie. Let's see this person.

Hi, my name's James. On the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

-As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

-Look at them eyes!

"How did they find me? How? How did they know?"

-James?

-I know this.

He has. It was in the papers.

Er, he was front page of the Metro, peeing into the pool from the diving board.

And he is looking like that, with the shifty eyes,

"Do they not know who I am? What's the point if no one recognises me in the goddamn street?

-"I hate the Quiff of Grimmy."

-So we're saying yes.

They're saying yes. Let's find out.

-No.

-Never?

No. As an adult, no. I'd like to have done, but no. I will do next time.

-Oh, yeah!

-Melvin, let's have one for you, Rick and Una.

Hi, my name's Dorothy. On the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

-Yes, definitely.

-She only pees in pools!

-As an art project.

-I think she pees in the shower as well.

-Una?

-Yes.

-We're saying yes.

-She looks an honest person.

-She does. Let's say yes.

-Yes!

-Why?

Because, like, when you go in water, you always need a wee.

Like when you go in the bath. I might have weed in the pool, once.

-Is she pissing in her bath?!

-She urinates in her own bath water.

-Water makes you want to wee. Looking at water can make you...

-Wee.

-..want to wee.

They say for number two to think of bricks falling down.

What is wrong with you?!

Rickie, have a look at this person.

Hi. My name is Stan and on the Quiff of Grimmy I swear to tell the absolute truth.

-As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

-Audience?

-ALL: Yes!

-He looks like he has. He could be a dirty wee'r!

He's had quite a long life. That's out of order, innit?

-Cos he's old, he's done it!

-He's had enough time to have to do that.

-Yeah! Let's find out.

-Yes.

-When?

-Three days ago.

-Why?!

-Because I wanted to!

Needs must!

Oh!

-Wow!

-I love that!

Thank you all for playing on the Quiff of Grimmy!

-James...

-All right?

I have some of your sweats here. We should start with Blu-Tack! What's your issue?

I moved into a new flat. The landlord doesn't want us using Blu-Tack, which I wasn't bothered with.

- You can't put posters up with it. - What posters do you have?

I don't even have posters. Which is part of the problem.

-So what do you want Blu-Tack for?

-I want to roll it into sausages.

You can play with Blu-Tack. It's a lot of fun.

You can do the sphere. If you don't enjoy it, switch up to a sausage.

But you've got to move your hand accordingly.

When I was doing that, a lot of you were like, "That sausage will be awfully thin in the middle."

Distribute it so you get a nice, long, even sausage.

Then you can roll that up into a snail.

I'm not going to buy packs of Blu-Tack specifically for my modelling, my hobby.

You don't play with them straight out the pack. So I need other flatmates putting posters up

so I can scrounge for the Blu-Tack. And now that's not an option, so those dreams are over.

That's...the best thing I've ever heard.

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin, the challenges. This is the last challenge of the series.

We really have left the most awful challenge to last.

-I actually can't believe we did this.

-You messed up things for me at home.

-It's so horrible.

-Was this the worst one for you?

-Top of the league. It's out of order.

Let's see how they get on. I actually can't watch this. Rickie and Melvin - the final challenge!

Psst! You two! I'm in here.

I'm hiding in here because this challenge is so awkward, I'm actually embarrassed for you.

Here are your envelopes. Open it when you get to the location.

This is the worst challenge of all time.

-"Sit down, relax and watch TV with your mother.

-It'll be a selection of sexy scenes from kissing...

"..up to full sex.

"The person who lasts the longest wins a point." Are you kidding?

-Full sex?

-Nah!

-Would you like a cushion or anything?

-Yes, please.

What are we going to watch?

You embarrassed by that, Mum?

Nah.

It's all a bit lovey dovey. Boring!

-Look at that.

-Oh, behave yourself!

This is what people are doing right now as we speak.

All right. OK.

OK.

You shouldn't have got...

-Oh...

-Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.

-Don't look!

-I'm not looking.

-No, I'm not looking...

-Why don't you not look?

Oh, my days!

OK...

Mm-hm. Yes.

-Are they fighting or something?

-A kind of fight, Mum.

-Oh, my goodness!

-Melvin, I said don't look at it!

-I'm not, Mum.

OK.

OK. Oh, my God.

-Oh, gosh!

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

BOTH: Ohhh!

OK!

Time out!

No, no, no. I can't do this. No. I'm out!

I will agree to put money towards a kitchen if you get through the rest of these videos.

-My dear Fiona!

-Why did you call my sister's name?!

Well done, Melvin. A point for your team!

-Thank you.

-Oh, my God. That was horrible.

-A nightmare. She hated it.

-What was happening at the end when you both went, "Ohh!"?

-Happy ending.

Well, I can tell you at the end of the series the team captain who has won the most challenges

is Melvin! Congratulations!

-# Simply the best! #

-You simply are the best. You are the winner of the challenges.

Melvin! My hero!

Oh, he truly is. Melvin, my man.

He's won all those challenges. However, he no longer has a relationship with his mother.

You win some, you lose some. Una, I want to talk about your sweats.

-Right.

-One thing you've been sweating about is...

-The number two.

-Literally.

-In public.

Faeces. Well, public toilets, public toilets.

-I like to take mine home...

-You what?

-You take it home?

No, I mean keep it in. Keep it in.

-You keep your poo in.

-Until I get home. I don't like to do it in public places.

Like poo in Trafalgar Square or something?

You go in. Is the coast clear? OK.

The next thing, a person comes in. You're like, "Oh, no...!" It's just about to come out.

- The noise. You get so nervous that they'll hear the noise... - Do you think they'd be surprised?

Now I can't leave because there's a smell.

And then you go, hey, hand drier.

Toilet flush.

I've got a better solution that I've tried myself.

I call it the poo hammock.

You get a load of toilet roll, fold it up so you've got three or four thicknesses.

And then you just have it... You just put it underneath and you gradually lower the...

You know when you see a whale getting transported from Sea World?

Then very slowly into the basin.

And that is a silent entry. There it is.

Both teams, the next round is The Big, Little Question.

We asked out viewers the biggest little question of the week. It's something you've sweated about.

When you're watching a movie with someone who's seen it before and they commentate right through.

Somebody who ruins a movie, basically. Not someone like Anne Hathaway who ruins a movie.

-It's people who take the enjoyment out of watching a movie with you.

-Absolutely, yeah.

We asked the public what's the most annoying way to ruin a movie? James?

You know the bit before the film? After the trailers, the certificate.

And it's all really formal. That should be a practice being quiet.

People talking are making me tense.

-I have something to confess. I hate films. All films.

-Really?

I can't sit down and watch a film. No attention span.

The only films I've watched full are Mean Girls, Clueless and 17 Again.

I don't know... I know who Tom Cruise is. I've seen him as that nutter on Oprah,

-but I genuinely haven't seen a film with him in.

-Really?!

-"Why's he so famous?"

All films! So what do you think our viewers thought was the most annoying way to ruin a movie?

-Quoting lines immediately before?

-No.

-Loud eating?

-No.

-Throwing popcorn around?

-No.

When you get a dodgy DVD and somebody gets up in the middle.

"Is it a dodgy DVD from the pub?"

That answer is straight out of South London!

-It is.

-"Oh, this is such a good seat," then someone comes in, a big tall person,

-and sits in front of me.

-Rick Edwards.

Yeah, you! When you come in and sit right in front of me.

-I really want Rick and Melvin to go to the cinema.

-He'll bring his mum, we'll watch some pretty fuzzy stuff!

Una, you're saying people who block your view? Tall people?

-Yeah.

-That's the top answer that people hate. So congratulations, Una.

Lovely. You win a point.

OK, so the top three ways to ruin a movie were...

That leads us to our next game. Movie Out of the Way, You Spoiler Sport, Wherever You're From!

Like that? You like that!

OK, this game is all about the top three answers. Are you ready?

Fastest fingers first. Buzz in and be wrong, the others get a point.

Question one is Movie Out Of The Way. Look on your little screen.

What movie am I blocking?

Buzz in if you know the right answer. Don't, if you don't know it.

-Yes?

-Hunger Games!

-Absolutely correct. A point for your team.

Let's have another one. What am I blocking here?

-Yes, Rickie's team?

-Titanic!

-Absolutely correct.

OK, the next round is about spoilers. I'll spoil the end.

All you have to do is name that movie. OK?

I'll give you the ending. Name that movie.

You think Kirk dies, but the alien blood saves him.

-Toy Story!

-Incorrect.

-No. Rick?

-Star Trek Into Darkness?

-Boom! Yes.

-What?! Is that really the ending?

-Yes.

-We've not seen it yet.

-Sorry.

-Unbelievable.

-That's why it's called a spoiler.

-I don't believe that.

-It's in cinemas at the moment.

-Sorry. It proves it's annoying.

Next one. It's quite complicated, but we think the animals were humans and he was the tiger.

-Avatar?

-Incorrect.

-Life of Pi.

-Life of Pi. Absolutely correct.

OK, question three. I'll show you an actor from a recent film.

I want three other movies they have been in.

You can't say that one that they're in now. Buzz in when you're ready.

-Here's James Franco in Spider-Man.

-Spider-Man...

-He's been in it!

-Planet of the Apes.

-Yes.

-The one...

-- 127 Hours. - That's it.

-Pineapple Express.

Boom! You win a point.

Let's have another actor, please.

Gwyneth Paltrow, Iron Man 1, 2 and 3.

-Rick Edwards.

-OK. Seven.

-Yes.

-I've got one. Sliding Doors.

-Yes.

-And...

-One more. If you don't get it, we're going to pass it over.

-No...

Gwyneth Paltrow, come on! We've got to pass it over.

-Iron Man!

-That's her IN Iron Man!

-She was in Country Strong.

-Yes! You win a point!

The third film of Paltrow there. Thank you for playing Movie Out Of The Way, You Spoiler Sport!

OK, time now for the Sweatbox, where you help members of this audience.

They'll tell you what they're sweating about. You help them.

They'll decide which team has given them the best advice.

-Who is first in the Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Marcella!

-Hello! What is wrong with you?

My sweat is that I get bugs stuck in my Afro.

I hear you.

-What, all the time?

-Well, I go camping quite a lot.

I get home from camping and I go to wash my hair.

-I have wasps, fag butts, flies...

-Wasps?!

-Yeah.

Any advice? What can she do, Katy B? Her hair's full of animals!

She could maybe brush her hair.

What's the biggest bug you've found inside?

The hornet wasp.

I found a spider in my hair once after a particularly wild night out.

-I pulled out a big, dead spider.

-Oh, mate!

-It's bleak.

-Any advice over here?

-I can give you my hairdresser's number if you like.

-Would you say when you go to sleep it happens mostly?

-Don't sleep!

-Ever!

-Put a net on your head.

-Yeah!

-It's definitely a passion killer.

-Have you ever camped, Una?

-I used to camp out the back of my house, when I was young.

-Yeah.

-We got earwigs coming in.

-Have you had an earwig?

Not yet.

-Are they a bit '90s, earwigs?

-Yeah!

-I haven't seen an earwig.

-Where are they?

-You don't see them any more.

-They're old school!

Yeah, old school!

-Retro bugs.

-They're all in her hairdo.

-Whose advice will you go for?

-I'm going to go for Melvin's team.

You win a point for great advice!

I want to do that.

-Who is in the Sweatbox?

-Hello! I'm Vicki!

-Hi, Vicki!

-Hi. What's your sweat, Vicki?

-Irish Mary won't leave me alone.

-Who's Irish Mary?

-Well, I moved house about three weeks ago.

I was walking home and I saw this little old lady with a dog and thought I'd best make pals.

"How you doing, doll?" And she was like, "How are you?" It was the biggest mistake of my life!

Because now, whenever I walk home, she jumps out of the house and talks to me for 45 minutes every day.

-She sounds like a nice lady.

-She's a doll, but I've got quite a busy little life of mine.

I'm there with my Iceland bags and my prawn rings are defrosting.

I want to get in the house! 45 minutes is quite a long time.

I miss home quite a lot and I don't have many Irish people around me.

-Maybe you could move her to be my next-door neighbour.

-Palm her off!

-Any other advice for young Vicki?

-I feel more inclined to meet Irish Mary

and give her some advice - make some friends you can trust!

- I do feel awful - You haven't learnt her proper name!

Would you consider framing her for a crime?

That's an option, isn't it?

Get her sent down. For anything. Just so she does a five stretch.

-Whose advice are you going to go for? Team Melvin or Team Rickie?

-I like Una's advice.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-So you're going Team Melvin. You win a point for your team!

That was the final round. Thank you, Sweatboxers!

OK, so that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are... Melvin's team!

A big thank you to Rickie, to Katy B and to James Acaster, Melvin, Una and Rick Edwards.

CHEERING

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night! I will see you next series. Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd