Episode 8 Sweat the Small Stuff


Episode 8

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

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Hello! Hi! I'm Nick Grimshaw and this is Sweat The Small Stuff!

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Yeah!

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Hello.

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-Hello, everyone. Hi, hello. Welcome to the last in the series...

-AUDIENCE "Awww!"

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..of Sweat The Small Stuff.

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We should meet our team captains. They've been like the two cheeks of one beautiful arse.

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It's Rickie Haywood Williams and Melvin Odoom!

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-Hi, Rickie! Are you OK?

-I'm OK.

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-It's the last in the series.

-I'm really sad.

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-I'll miss your face. Your "almost as incredible as Usher's" face.

-Samuel L Jackson once told me

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-I'm like the busted-looking Usher.

-You are. Like Usher got run over.

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And he didn't have insurance.

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-Melvin, I'm going to miss a lot about you.

-Really?

-Yeah. Your connections to Rickie.

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Let's see who's on their teams.

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On Rickie's team is a dubstep superstar whose album is On A Mission.

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It's Katy B!

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And joining her, one of the best young comedians in the country

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who has toured with some of the biggest names in comedy. James Acaster, everybody!

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And over on Melvin's team, the last member of the Saturdays to appear - it's Una Healy!

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And one of the most handsome men of all time.

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It's Rick Edwards!

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-Una Healy, everybody. Hello, Una.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Good, thank you.

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-You're the final Saturday to appear.

-I'm sweating it a bit now.

-Do you feel nervous?

-A little bit.

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Why did you look at me when you said that?!

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And, everybody, Katy B is here!

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-Katy B, I love your new song.

-Oh, thank you.

-It goes like this.

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TRACK PLAYS

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It's just a little clip. Really good. I've played it every day.

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-Aww.

-I'm obsessed.

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-Well, if that helps me sell a few more records, obsess away.

-It won't help with anything!

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-Rick, I wanted to talk to you about your sweats.

-Thank you.

-Your nipples?

-Well, the thing is...

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I was doing my daily naked torso examination,

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just to check what's going wrong, what's going right, and I realised my nipples are positioned too low.

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- Not massively. Just an inch too low. - Can we see?

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Here they are. They should be here.

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As soon as you notice that, it's been playing on my mind!

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-I worry mine are too small.

-Oh, really? What coin denomination?

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-They're like a 5p.

-That's not that small!

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-Some people say the nipple is the diddy that sticks out.

-That's not 5p.

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- The areola. - So the whole areola and...

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Una, stop talking about nipples.

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-What about yours, Katy? Your nipples. What...

-Rickie!

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-Nice try!

-I saw the opportunity.

-- That wasn't an opportunity! - What size coin?

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-Yeah, what size coin?

-Em...

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Massive chocolate coin?

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-10p? That's quite big, isn't it?

-No, 10p is normal. Una, what do you...?

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-50p.

-50p?!

-Yours are a 50p?

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-Another one of your sweats, Rick...

-Sorry. Does no one care what my nipples look like?

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-I'm sitting here on the end...

-James, James...

-We care.

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Get your nipples out for everybody watching BBC3.

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CHANT: Do it! Do it! Do it!

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-You name...

-I don't respond to the old nipple chants.

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Never fell for it in school, not going to fall for it now.

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The nipples are staying in the jumper. Plus I only have one.

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-OK, teams. Ready for Round One?

-Yes!

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This whole series, we haven't been worried about the big news stories - war, politics.

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We're far more interested in stories like this teeny tiny one

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that says two Olympian swimmers admitted to peeing in the pool.

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This got a lot of us thinking about whether or not it was OK to sneakily top up the pool with your own urine.

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We will see the person in the street swear on...

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..this. This is the Quiff - slightly damp - the Quiff of Me.

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The slightly soggy, pee-drenched Bible on which we got them to swear the absolute truth.

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All you have to do is decide if they ever peed in a pool.

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-Does anyone pee in the pool?

-It's there for you to piss in.

-Well, that's not totally true.

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-Una, answer my highbrow question. Do you piss in pools?

-I did spend most of my young life in a pool

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-cos I was a...

-Mermaid?

-A champion swimmer. A mermaid.

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-I still dream about being in a swimming pool, which isn't a good thing at night.

-Yes.

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-That's never happened either.

-Good to know.

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-But maybe when I was young.

-I want a yes or no answer. James, do you piss in pools?

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If I'm really, really bursting,

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I'll do it, but the amount of time it takes me to drive to the pool and then get changed,

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get into the pool...

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-Katy?

-If you're the only one in the pool and having a look around...

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-You've just done a PA in Ibiza.

-Yeah, you know.

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-It's better to let it all out.

-Let it ALL out!

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OK, let's find out now. Can you tell just by looking at someone if, as an adult,

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they have peed in the pool? I think everyone's done it.

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Start with your team, Melvin. Let's have the first person, please.

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Hi, I'm Leonardo. On the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the truth.

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As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

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He definitely has, but we don't know whether he'll admit to it.

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-So yes?

-Is this people who don't necessarily understand the question?

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-We'll say yes.

-You're saying yes? Let's find out.

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-Of course.

-When?

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Last time, last summer.

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-Why?

-Because toilet was busy.

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-Good reason.

-All right. One for your team, Rickie. Let's see this person.

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Hi, my name's James. On the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

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-As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

-Look at them eyes!

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"How did they find me? How? How did they know?"

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-James?

-I know this.

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He has. It was in the papers.

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Er, he was front page of the Metro, peeing into the pool from the diving board.

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And he is looking like that, with the shifty eyes,

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"Do they not know who I am? What's the point if no one recognises me in the goddamn street?

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-"I hate the Quiff of Grimmy."

-So we're saying yes.

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They're saying yes. Let's find out.

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-No.

-Never?

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No. As an adult, no. I'd like to have done, but no. I will do next time.

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-Oh, yeah!

-Melvin, let's have one for you, Rick and Una.

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Hi, my name's Dorothy. On the Quiff of Grimmy, I swear to tell the absolute truth.

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As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

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-Yes, definitely.

-She only pees in pools!

-As an art project.

-I think she pees in the shower as well.

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-Una?

-Yes.

-We're saying yes.

-She looks an honest person.

-She does. Let's say yes.

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-Yes!

-Why?

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Because, like, when you go in water, you always need a wee.

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Like when you go in the bath. I might have weed in the pool, once.

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-Is she pissing in her bath?!

-She urinates in her own bath water.

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-Water makes you want to wee. Looking at water can make you...

-Wee.

-..want to wee.

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They say for number two to think of bricks falling down.

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What is wrong with you?!

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Rickie, have a look at this person.

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Hi. My name is Stan and on the Quiff of Grimmy I swear to tell the absolute truth.

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-As an adult, have you ever peed in a pool?

-Audience?

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-ALL: Yes!

-He looks like he has. He could be a dirty wee'r!

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He's had quite a long life. That's out of order, innit?

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-Cos he's old, he's done it!

-He's had enough time to have to do that.

-Yeah! Let's find out.

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-Yes.

-When?

-Three days ago.

-Why?!

-Because I wanted to!

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Needs must!

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Oh!

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-Wow!

-I love that!

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Thank you all for playing on the Quiff of Grimmy!

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-James...

-All right?

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I have some of your sweats here. We should start with Blu-Tack! What's your issue?

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I moved into a new flat. The landlord doesn't want us using Blu-Tack, which I wasn't bothered with.

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- You can't put posters up with it. - What posters do you have?

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I don't even have posters. Which is part of the problem.

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-So what do you want Blu-Tack for?

-I want to roll it into sausages.

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You can play with Blu-Tack. It's a lot of fun.

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You can do the sphere. If you don't enjoy it, switch up to a sausage.

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But you've got to move your hand accordingly.

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When I was doing that, a lot of you were like, "That sausage will be awfully thin in the middle."

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Distribute it so you get a nice, long, even sausage.

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Then you can roll that up into a snail.

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I'm not going to buy packs of Blu-Tack specifically for my modelling, my hobby.

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You don't play with them straight out the pack. So I need other flatmates putting posters up

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so I can scrounge for the Blu-Tack. And now that's not an option, so those dreams are over.

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That's...the best thing I've ever heard.

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OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin, the challenges. This is the last challenge of the series.

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We really have left the most awful challenge to last.

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-I actually can't believe we did this.

-You messed up things for me at home.

-It's so horrible.

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-Was this the worst one for you?

-Top of the league. It's out of order.

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Let's see how they get on. I actually can't watch this. Rickie and Melvin - the final challenge!

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Psst! You two! I'm in here.

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I'm hiding in here because this challenge is so awkward, I'm actually embarrassed for you.

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Here are your envelopes. Open it when you get to the location.

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This is the worst challenge of all time.

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-"Sit down, relax and watch TV with your mother.

-It'll be a selection of sexy scenes from kissing...

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"..up to full sex.

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"The person who lasts the longest wins a point." Are you kidding?

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-Full sex?

-Nah!

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-Would you like a cushion or anything?

-Yes, please.

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What are we going to watch?

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You embarrassed by that, Mum?

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Nah.

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It's all a bit lovey dovey. Boring!

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-Look at that.

-Oh, behave yourself!

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This is what people are doing right now as we speak.

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All right. OK.

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OK.

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You shouldn't have got...

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-Oh...

-Oh, God!

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Oh, my God!

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-Oh, my God.

-Don't look!

-I'm not looking.

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-No, I'm not looking...

-Why don't you not look?

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Oh, my days!

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OK...

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Mm-hm. Yes.

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-Are they fighting or something?

-A kind of fight, Mum.

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-Oh, my goodness!

-Melvin, I said don't look at it!

-I'm not, Mum.

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OK.

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OK. Oh, my God.

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-Oh, gosh!

-Oh, my God!

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Oh, my God.

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BOTH: Ohhh!

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OK!

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Time out!

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No, no, no. I can't do this. No. I'm out!

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I will agree to put money towards a kitchen if you get through the rest of these videos.

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-My dear Fiona!

-Why did you call my sister's name?!

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Well done, Melvin. A point for your team!

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-Thank you.

-Oh, my God. That was horrible.

-A nightmare. She hated it.

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-What was happening at the end when you both went, "Ohh!"?

-Happy ending.

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Well, I can tell you at the end of the series the team captain who has won the most challenges

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is Melvin! Congratulations!

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-# Simply the best! #

-You simply are the best. You are the winner of the challenges.

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Melvin! My hero!

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Oh, he truly is. Melvin, my man.

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He's won all those challenges. However, he no longer has a relationship with his mother.

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You win some, you lose some. Una, I want to talk about your sweats.

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-Right.

-One thing you've been sweating about is...

-The number two.

-Literally.

-In public.

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Faeces. Well, public toilets, public toilets.

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-I like to take mine home...

-You what?

-You take it home?

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No, I mean keep it in. Keep it in.

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-You keep your poo in.

-Until I get home. I don't like to do it in public places.

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Like poo in Trafalgar Square or something?

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You go in. Is the coast clear? OK.

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The next thing, a person comes in. You're like, "Oh, no...!" It's just about to come out.

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- The noise. You get so nervous that they'll hear the noise... - Do you think they'd be surprised?

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Now I can't leave because there's a smell.

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And then you go, hey, hand drier.

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Toilet flush.

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I've got a better solution that I've tried myself.

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I call it the poo hammock.

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You get a load of toilet roll, fold it up so you've got three or four thicknesses.

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And then you just have it... You just put it underneath and you gradually lower the...

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You know when you see a whale getting transported from Sea World?

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Then very slowly into the basin.

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And that is a silent entry. There it is.

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Both teams, the next round is The Big, Little Question.

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We asked out viewers the biggest little question of the week. It's something you've sweated about.

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When you're watching a movie with someone who's seen it before and they commentate right through.

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Somebody who ruins a movie, basically. Not someone like Anne Hathaway who ruins a movie.

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-It's people who take the enjoyment out of watching a movie with you.

-Absolutely, yeah.

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We asked the public what's the most annoying way to ruin a movie? James?

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You know the bit before the film? After the trailers, the certificate.

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And it's all really formal. That should be a practice being quiet.

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People talking are making me tense.

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-I have something to confess. I hate films. All films.

-Really?

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I can't sit down and watch a film. No attention span.

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The only films I've watched full are Mean Girls, Clueless and 17 Again.

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I don't know... I know who Tom Cruise is. I've seen him as that nutter on Oprah,

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-but I genuinely haven't seen a film with him in.

-Really?!

-"Why's he so famous?"

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All films! So what do you think our viewers thought was the most annoying way to ruin a movie?

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-Quoting lines immediately before?

-No.

-Loud eating?

-No.

-Throwing popcorn around?

-No.

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When you get a dodgy DVD and somebody gets up in the middle.

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"Is it a dodgy DVD from the pub?"

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That answer is straight out of South London!

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-It is.

-"Oh, this is such a good seat," then someone comes in, a big tall person,

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-and sits in front of me.

-Rick Edwards.

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Yeah, you! When you come in and sit right in front of me.

0:19:310:19:35

-I really want Rick and Melvin to go to the cinema.

-He'll bring his mum, we'll watch some pretty fuzzy stuff!

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Una, you're saying people who block your view? Tall people?

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-Yeah.

-That's the top answer that people hate. So congratulations, Una.

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Lovely. You win a point.

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OK, so the top three ways to ruin a movie were...

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That leads us to our next game. Movie Out of the Way, You Spoiler Sport, Wherever You're From!

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Like that? You like that!

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OK, this game is all about the top three answers. Are you ready?

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Fastest fingers first. Buzz in and be wrong, the others get a point.

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Question one is Movie Out Of The Way. Look on your little screen.

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What movie am I blocking?

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Buzz in if you know the right answer. Don't, if you don't know it.

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-Yes?

-Hunger Games!

-Absolutely correct. A point for your team.

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Let's have another one. What am I blocking here?

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-Yes, Rickie's team?

-Titanic!

-Absolutely correct.

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OK, the next round is about spoilers. I'll spoil the end.

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All you have to do is name that movie. OK?

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I'll give you the ending. Name that movie.

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You think Kirk dies, but the alien blood saves him.

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-Toy Story!

-Incorrect.

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-No. Rick?

-Star Trek Into Darkness?

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-Boom! Yes.

-What?! Is that really the ending?

-Yes.

-We've not seen it yet.

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-Sorry.

-Unbelievable.

-That's why it's called a spoiler.

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-I don't believe that.

-It's in cinemas at the moment.

-Sorry. It proves it's annoying.

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Next one. It's quite complicated, but we think the animals were humans and he was the tiger.

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-Avatar?

-Incorrect.

0:21:450:21:47

-Life of Pi.

-Life of Pi. Absolutely correct.

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OK, question three. I'll show you an actor from a recent film.

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I want three other movies they have been in.

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You can't say that one that they're in now. Buzz in when you're ready.

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-Here's James Franco in Spider-Man.

-Spider-Man...

-He's been in it!

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-Planet of the Apes.

-Yes.

-The one...

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-- 127 Hours. - That's it.

-Pineapple Express.

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Boom! You win a point.

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Let's have another actor, please.

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Gwyneth Paltrow, Iron Man 1, 2 and 3.

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-Rick Edwards.

-OK. Seven.

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-Yes.

-I've got one. Sliding Doors.

-Yes.

0:22:340:22:39

-And...

-One more. If you don't get it, we're going to pass it over.

-No...

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Gwyneth Paltrow, come on! We've got to pass it over.

0:22:450:22:50

-Iron Man!

-That's her IN Iron Man!

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-She was in Country Strong.

-Yes! You win a point!

0:22:530:22:57

The third film of Paltrow there. Thank you for playing Movie Out Of The Way, You Spoiler Sport!

0:23:000:23:07

OK, time now for the Sweatbox, where you help members of this audience.

0:23:120:23:17

They'll tell you what they're sweating about. You help them.

0:23:170:23:22

They'll decide which team has given them the best advice.

0:23:220:23:27

-Who is first in the Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Marcella!

-Hello! What is wrong with you?

0:23:270:23:34

My sweat is that I get bugs stuck in my Afro.

0:23:340:23:39

I hear you.

0:23:390:23:41

-What, all the time?

-Well, I go camping quite a lot.

0:23:410:23:45

I get home from camping and I go to wash my hair.

0:23:450:23:49

-I have wasps, fag butts, flies...

-Wasps?!

-Yeah.

0:23:490:23:53

Any advice? What can she do, Katy B? Her hair's full of animals!

0:23:530:23:57

She could maybe brush her hair.

0:23:570:23:59

What's the biggest bug you've found inside?

0:23:590:24:03

The hornet wasp.

0:24:030:24:06

I found a spider in my hair once after a particularly wild night out.

0:24:060:24:10

-I pulled out a big, dead spider.

-Oh, mate!

-It's bleak.

0:24:100:24:14

-Any advice over here?

-I can give you my hairdresser's number if you like.

0:24:140:24:19

-Would you say when you go to sleep it happens mostly?

-Don't sleep!

0:24:190:24:24

-Ever!

-Put a net on your head.

0:24:240:24:26

-Yeah!

-It's definitely a passion killer.

0:24:260:24:30

-Have you ever camped, Una?

-I used to camp out the back of my house, when I was young.

-Yeah.

0:24:300:24:37

-We got earwigs coming in.

-Have you had an earwig?

0:24:370:24:41

Not yet.

0:24:410:24:43

-Are they a bit '90s, earwigs?

-Yeah!

-I haven't seen an earwig.

0:24:430:24:48

-Where are they?

-You don't see them any more.

-They're old school!

0:24:480:24:54

Yeah, old school!

0:24:540:24:56

-Retro bugs.

-They're all in her hairdo.

0:24:560:25:00

-Whose advice will you go for?

-I'm going to go for Melvin's team.

0:25:000:25:04

You win a point for great advice!

0:25:040:25:07

I want to do that.

0:25:090:25:12

-Who is in the Sweatbox?

-Hello! I'm Vicki!

-Hi, Vicki!

0:25:120:25:16

-Hi. What's your sweat, Vicki?

-Irish Mary won't leave me alone.

0:25:160:25:20

-Who's Irish Mary?

-Well, I moved house about three weeks ago.

0:25:200:25:25

I was walking home and I saw this little old lady with a dog and thought I'd best make pals.

0:25:250:25:32

"How you doing, doll?" And she was like, "How are you?" It was the biggest mistake of my life!

0:25:320:25:38

Because now, whenever I walk home, she jumps out of the house and talks to me for 45 minutes every day.

0:25:380:25:45

-She sounds like a nice lady.

-She's a doll, but I've got quite a busy little life of mine.

0:25:450:25:51

I'm there with my Iceland bags and my prawn rings are defrosting.

0:25:510:25:55

I want to get in the house! 45 minutes is quite a long time.

0:25:550:26:00

I miss home quite a lot and I don't have many Irish people around me.

0:26:000:26:04

-Maybe you could move her to be my next-door neighbour.

-Palm her off!

0:26:040:26:09

-Any other advice for young Vicki?

-I feel more inclined to meet Irish Mary

0:26:090:26:15

and give her some advice - make some friends you can trust!

0:26:150:26:20

- I do feel awful - You haven't learnt her proper name!

0:26:200:26:24

Would you consider framing her for a crime?

0:26:240:26:28

That's an option, isn't it?

0:26:280:26:30

Get her sent down. For anything. Just so she does a five stretch.

0:26:300:26:35

-Whose advice are you going to go for? Team Melvin or Team Rickie?

-I like Una's advice.

0:26:350:26:41

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-So you're going Team Melvin. You win a point for your team!

0:26:410:26:46

That was the final round. Thank you, Sweatboxers!

0:26:510:26:55

OK, so that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are... Melvin's team!

0:26:580:27:03

A big thank you to Rickie, to Katy B and to James Acaster, Melvin, Una and Rick Edwards.

0:27:120:27:19

CHEERING

0:27:190:27:22

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw. Good night! I will see you next series. Bye-bye!

0:27:220:27:28

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0:27:450:27:47

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