Episode 7 Sweat the Small Stuff

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hi. I'm Nick Grimshaw and this is Sweat The Small Stuff. Yeah!

Hello. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the show that makes a big deal about all the little things in life,

cos those little things are really worth sweating about.

But I cannot do it alone, and I shan't do it alone,

so let's meet our team captains.

Shall I compare them to a summer's day,

a symphony composed by Mozart, a Shakespearean sonnet?

No, they are best described as the black Ashleigh and Pudsey -

it's Rickie Haywood-Williams and Melvin O'Doom.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait - who's Ashleigh and who's Pudsey, though?

You're Ashleigh, you're Pudsey.

Let's meet your team-mates this week.

On Rickie's team, it's two-fifths of The Wanted who are sweating it

because they are still trying to work out that fraction.

It's Jay and Max from The Wanted.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining them is a young comedian who is soon going to be filling

an Olly Murs-shaped hole on the Xtra Factor.

He's sweating it in case

that's a euphemism for Caroline Flack's vagina.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Yeah. And it is. It's Matt Richardson.

CHEERING

I'm too old for her.

Over... Oh, my God, she's going to hate you already.

-Not even started.

-She said, "Are you doing it with Grimmy?"

She was like, "You two are going to fucking die

"if you say anything about my vagina."

-Too late!

-Over on Melvin's team,

two members of The Saturdays who are sweating it

because they have been using the same contraception as Una,

Frankie and Rochelle.

It's Mollie and Vanessa, everybody.

CHEERING

We have joining them a TV presenter who fronts

an anti-bullying campaign with Jedward.

She is sweating it because she just can't stop bullying Jedward.

It's Laura Whitmore.

CHEERING

-Look at Melvin's face.

-So happy!

-I've never seen him so happy.

I've never seen anyone that happy.

He looks like Eddie Murphy with some hookers.

-Oh!

-Hold on!

-He didn't mean it!

-We liked you before.

Is this probably the best night of your life?

Cos usually you just have two people,

tonight you have three women.

-And they are all glorious.

-I know.

I don't even like the faces of women, usually,

but this is making me reassess my lifestyle choices.

Also over here, look who we have,

make some noise for this crew over here.

CHEERING

Max, your eyes, I can't even look in them.

They are like rare turquoise diamonds.

You are so gay.

-Can't help it.

-Vanessa, it says here

that you have been sweating about the toilet seat.

-Yeah.

-Where do you go for a wee? A urinal?

-Surprise!

-Actually, girls are really bad at it.

-What do you mean?

Girls wee on the seat?

Girls piss on the seat all the time, and it's disgusting.

-What?! What?!

-Whoa, whoa!

-How do they do that? How?

I don't know how you are getting it wrong, this is the thing.

-I know why that happens sometimes.

-Cos they are squatting?

My friend, when we go out, she doesn't like to sit on toilet seats

that aren't her own, so she hovers.

You might miss the toilet seat, but I do think you should clean it up.

When you mean they hover, how do they do it?

Do they put their legs...?

I'd like to think, like, one leg on that wall,

one leg on that wall, and then edge them up.

And then back up, like splits.

-I have seen this happen, and it is something like that.

-Like splits.

OK. It's now time for Round One.

As you know, Sweat The Small Stuff is all about the little things

in life, and we were scouring the news this week and came across

this tiny story about one of your band mates, actually, Max and Jay.

This tiny story is all about your band mate Tom, and what a disgusting

man he is because he has admitted to eating food out of a bin.

AUDIENCE: Ugh!

Does he really do this?

Yeah.

We told him not to do it, and eventually he did stop,

-but then he started to eat out of shoeboxes.

-What?

-And that's still a habit now.

-Instead of plates?

Yeah, because he can't be arsed washing plates, what he does is,

he cooks his food and just lobs it into a shoebox and...

What?!

There's a sort of standard.

He wouldn't go soup or anything with a high moisture content.

-OK.

-Pizza, chicken Kiev, straight into a shoebox.

What about when he slices that Kiev? All that moisture?

Listen, I don't make the rules.

But what do the great British public think?

Do they think this is a normal thing?

Do you think people eat out of bins, Mollie?

I have been known to eat out of my own bin,

purely for the fact of this - I live on my own, right?

So if I order a Chinese takeaway,

I've got to order standard prawn crackers.

Now, I don't want to eat that whole bag of prawn crackers,

-because it's a family size.

-Yeah.

So I eat a good portion and then I put them in the bin in their bag.

And then you know how it is. An hour after the Chinese,

you think, "I fancy one of those prawn crackers.

"I'm going back in."

I'm in the bin. Is there anything else you'd eat out of a bin?

Erm... Well, the reason the prawn crackers...

I'll be honest, a poppadom.

They're the same family, essentially, aren't they?

And they are still... Yeah.

-I'd eat out of your bin any day of the week.

-Whoa!

I was talking about a real bin, guys, don't be filthy!

Keep your head out the gutter!

I reckon you've got a clean bin, though.

-Mollie has got a real clean bin.

-I do, yeah.

-Are we still talking about bins?

-APPLAUSE

But do you think you can tell just by looking at someone's face

whether or not they have ever eaten food

out of a dustbin? Can you tell?

-I reckon so. I reckon we could do it.

-Yeah, I think so.

-Yes.

I put this to the test, so we rounded up some people

on the street and asked them,

"Have you ever eaten food out of a bin like Tom from The Wanted?"

The way this is going to work is

you'll see the person swear on this,

the quiff of me. This is my quiff here.

It's the holiest hair out there

after that silver fox, the Pope. Hey, baby.

We'll start with your team, Rickie.

Let's have a look at our first victim on the street.

-Have they ever eaten out of a bin?

-A'ight.

Hi, my name is Simon.

I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the whole truth.

Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?

-What do you think?

-I definitely think he does.

The thing is, there's bins in the background.

He's probably eaten from there.

He looks like he eats out of a bin, gets dressed out of a bin,

washes in a bin.

They are saying yes. Let's find out.

-Yes.

-What?

-Chips.

-Chips!

-Standard.

-Of course.

Duh! Stupid! Who are you, the Queen?

Let's have one for Melvin's team. Have a look at this person.

Have they ever eaten out of the bin?

Hi, my name is Mo.

On the quiff of Grimmy I swear to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?

Whoa!

Well! This one seems really hard.

Either he is saying no, or he's like, "How did you catch me?"

-Yeah. "Did you see me?"

-There's no way.

-He looks offended.

They're saying no. Have you ever eaten out of a bin?

Hell no!

Never. Have you? Taste nice? Nah. I wouldn't do such a thing.

-ALL: Aww!

-He'd never do such a thing, Mollie - trash.

He's so sweet.

Rickie's team. There's another one for you. Have a look at this person.

Hi, I'm Roxy, and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy

to tell the absolute truth.

Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

She has, cos she is quite clearly half fox.

-We're saying yes on this.

-They are saying yes. Does she?

Yes.

-What was it?

-I think it was an old cake.

-An old cake?

-Happy birthday to me!

Melvin, here's one for you.

Hi, my name is Sonia,

and on the quiff of Grimmy, I swear I'll tell the truth.

Have you ever eaten food out of a bin?

I don't think she knows what a bin is.

-No.

-She looks so sweet. No way.

She looks like she's about to knock that person out

that has just asked her.

"You stop me for this shit?"

What do you think, guys?

Again, though, she is lurking around the bins.

What are we saying, then, guys?

I would say I think she's going to go with no.

-Me too.

-Although I don't know if I trust it.

Vanessa, you decide this one. What do you think?

-It's like one of those, "No, but yeah, but no..."

-No pressure.

-It's no or yeah.

-OK, we're going with no.

You're going no. Vanessa is saying no.

-Yes, at work.

-What was it?

Watermelon.

-Why?

-Cos it looked good.

-Watermelon?

-She's very specific.

Anyway, thank you, guys. Thanks for playing On The Quiff Of Grimmy.

-The quiff has to go, now.

-APPLAUSE

-Mark, I'm happy you came on the show.

-Thanks for having me.

What have you got against poofs?

No, it's the things you put at the end of your sofa to put your feet up.

-Poofs!

-Pouffes!

-Poofs!

-Poofs.

Yeah, because I've got a small gay man I put my feet up on.

I love Modern Family. Sit down!

-Why don't you like them?

-I just think they are so pointless.

Just put them up on the sofa, your feet.

Yeah, that is true, actually.

And they are £400, and a sofa is £800,

and it's only a quarter of a sofa.

-What is the correct pronunciation of that?

-It's a "poofie".

They prefer "homosexual", actually.

-No, it's "pouffe", not a "poofie".

-A puffin is a type of creature.

No, that's a PUFFIN, Laura Whitmore.

-So confused.

-A puffin is a rock-based bird.

-It's like what you sit on.

-A cushion.

-A cushion.

-That's a "poofie".

-A puffie?

-No, not a puffie.

-What is it?

-A beanbag?

-What do you guys call it?

-AUDIENCE SHOUTS ANSWERS

That a real man, there, screaming, "It's a footstool!"

OK, time now for Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

This is where each week I challenge our team captains to take

a small sweat out into the streets and into the public domain.

This week's sweat is about over-competitive people.

Those people who always have to go one better than you,

who lie and cheat at board games

and get all in your face when they win. They are... I hate them people.

Me too.

This is Rickie and Melvin - The Challenges.

-Toilet time means...?

-BOTH: Challenge time.

-Yay!

This week I'm going to send you two out to become overly competitive -

those annoying people that have to win.

I'm going to send you out to a library and a bingo hall

and you're going to be competitive.

Whoever completes the most tasks in these envelopes wins

a massive point for their team.

Go get competitive!

I'm scared. Please don't make me do this. Bingo players are terrifying.

This is a hard one. I've got to be over-competitive about reading?

I'm crap at reading.

Smugly tell someone you are better

at bingo than them three times. Nice.

Good evening, ladies. How many games have you guys won?

Hundreds? I've won 200. What's your biggest win on bingo, girls?

-2,000.

-In one go, 2,000? My biggest win, 3,000.

-Where is the best place you've played bingo?

-Mecca.

-Mecca Bingo?

-Yeah.

-Vegas.

I played there just last year, actually.

Tell someone you are better at reading than them three times.

How are you doing, mate? What's that you're reading?

-Oh, this is just the AQA GCSE science textbook.

-Oh, yeah. I know that.

I've read that a couple of times, actually.

How many textbooks do you reckon you got through this course?

-Probably three or four. Yeah.

-It's not a lot.

I probably did about seven or eight I reckon. Yeah.

-How many books do you reckon you've read this month?

-Two. I've been...

-I think I've probably read about ten books this month.

-Really? Wow.

-Yeah.

Love reading so much. It's just what I do.

Challenge someone to a reading competition, lose,

and throw a mega tantrum.

Play a game of bingo. If you don't win, throw the biggest tantrum ever.

-Excuse me, mate. How good are you at reading?

-Fairly good.

I don't know if you could help me, just, like,

having a reading competition? You don't have to do it out loud,

-just in your head.

-I'll give it a go.

BINGO CALLER: 1-0, number ten.

8 and 2, 82.

If you start at "Peter's old sleeping bag."

One, two, three, go.

5-1, 51.

All the 7s, 77.

Done.

-What?

-Done.

-Oh,

-BLEEP!

-Are you serious?

Oh, my God! Rickie, how can you lose that?

How could you lose a reading competition?

73.

No! I needed another number! No, please! I'm the best at this game!

Please, I needed just one more number, please! I need it now!

Oh! I'm the best at this game.

Come on! Come on!

Yeah!

CHEERING

Well done, Rickie and Melvin.

A point for each team. It was a draw.

APPLAUSE

OK. It is now time for another Sweat.

What is it about this picture that I have been sweating about?

Have a look at it. What about this has been making me sweat?

You met the Queen!

I met the fucking Queen!

-How?

-She popped into Radio One to do a Live Lounge.

She was on the new Chase And Status record.

Is it that you have just realised that you've got crabs?

When you meet the Queen, do you think,

"I'm going to scratch my bollocks?"

It went from like this.

But then someone said it looked like someone

was about to do a penalty against me.

I was like this and they were like, "That's rude."

So then I was like this. And they were like.

"That's slob-like." I was like, "Fucking hell!

"You're acting like she's the...oh, yeah."

What is it about this that you think has got me all sweaty?

That got me all weirded out?

Someone wearing gloves on a warm day.

LAUGHTER

Mollie never makes that mistake.

Is it to do with meeting someone like the Queen?

I think Max should probably have that point.

It's to do with sweating about not knowing how

to behave around famous people. You don't really know how to react.

Our boss brought her over.

And he's like,

"This is Nick Grimshaw who does the radio in the mornings."

And she just went...

So I thought, this is a bit awkward.

Maybe she wants me to do like a link or something.

So my words to the Queen were, "You all right?

"Are you having a nice day?"

And she just went...

And then walked off.

Because you're not meant to talk to her

but I wasn't just going to stand there.

She was looking at me right in the face, like, "Go on."

Have you been at a party anywhere

and someone's come up to you that you're a fan of and said,

"Oh, I like you guys, I've seen you on telly, I've watched you,"

or like, "Good performance?"

Has happened to you, like role reversal,

-someone you're a fan of has become a fan of you?

-Mike Tyson.

-Seriously?

-I'm not joking.

-Really?!

-Yes, he likes a boy band, I know!

He does.

Hey, have you met a really famous man called Simon Cowell yet?

No. I met the judges this week.

I met Nicole Scherzinger and I was really weird around her

because she is the most beautiful human being I've ever met.

And she would walk past me cos she knew it made me awkward

and whenever she walked past me, she go, "Matthew." Like that.

And I'd have to go and have cold showers.

She is so annoying, isn't she?

So, The Wanted, what are you like with your fans?

Because you have Mike Tyson coming up to you

but you also have, you know,

fans that aren't Mike Tyson. You have millions of fans.

What it like when they come up to you? Is it a nice thing?

Is it a weird thing? What's it like?

I think it's a really nice thing.

You know, when they show up, it's nice.

Kind of the point, really.

No, I mean, it's great. We love our fans, they are awesome.

Of course, you love your fans.

The Saturdays, what is it like when people come up and ask

for photos and say they love you,

is that a weird thing? Can you handle it now?

We went to the Hangover III premiere.

And you know when you get out of the car and you're on the red carpet

and everyone's like, "Whoo!" and I was like, "Oh, yeah,

"they're screaming." And one girl was going, "Mollie! Mollie!"

And I thought, "Oh, I've made it."

So I walked over to her and she goes, "Can you get Frankie?"

LAUGHTER

I'll just grab her in a minute.

Max, Jay, Mollie and Vanessa, as you said, you love your fans

so you're going to love this next game.

Because you love your fans so much and they, I must say, almost

manically love you, to a scary level, we thought we'd play a game.

Grope On A Rope.

JAUNTY MUSIC

OK, here we have a super fan of The Saturdays, Adam.

And a super fan of The Wanted, Georgia.

First of all, Adam, who is a fan of The Saturdays, has been to see

you in concert 25 times.

He has spent around £2,000 in coming to see you and your merchandise.

He believes he was your first and original fan.

You have over here Georgia, massive fan of The Wanted.

She has "attempted" to meet you 25 times.

She sits and waits for you at the airport for hours on end.

She made a 20-hour bus journey just to see you perform last year.

Georgia has spent her entire student loan on all things Wanted.

She is living in poverty.

As you can see, our two super fans are harnessed to ropes,

preventing them from getting close to their idols.

All you have to do is answer questions about your fans to

get them closer to you. Here are your questions.

First one is for The Wanted. Question one.

A female fan once hid on your tour bus, where did you find her?

-In the boot.

-Where the luggage is.

Yes, Max. The luggage compartment.

You can take a step forward to The Wanted. There we go.

Question for The Saturdays.

What two items did Frankie once receive in the post

from a super fan.

A map and a key? A proposal and a ring? Or a love letter and a nose?

-I would say a ring.

-I don't know.

-A ring and a letter.

-You think the proposal and a ring?

-Yeah.

-Absolutely correct.

-Yes!

Adam, did you send that?

Oh, my God. When he reaches you, he's going to rip your face off.

The Wanted, a fan once approached you, Jay,

and cut a bit of your hair off.

-What did they do once they cut your hair off?

-She ate it.

GROANING

-Georgia, was that you?

-No!

Georgia, that is correct. Take a step closer to The Wanted.

The Saturdays, the fan standing in front of you now is Adam.

He has spent hours making a beautiful family book for Oona

and gave it to Oona for her birthday.

But what did Oona do to thank him? Did she A...?

Why are all the questions about the other girls?!

Cos you have no fans.

Did she A - send him a thank you tweet?

Did she B - reply with a personal letter?

Or did she C - send him a picture of herself reading that book?

Definitely C.

Actually, Oona's a cow and she did nowt.

GROANING

The Wanted, once a fan threw something on stage, it said,

"I love Max." What was that thing?

Just say it really nicely.

What are you going to do when you get hold of them?

-She's had about five steps.

-Who knows?

-Whoa!

What are all those knives?

A fan once threw something on stage that said, "I love Max."

What was that thing, Max?

It was a used...

GROANING

..sanitary...plug.

That's absolutely correct. Georgia, you can meet The Wanted.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Snog! Snog! Snog! Snog!

Yeah!

CROWD CHEER

Down the ropes, Max!

CROWD CHEER

Oh, no. Adam, you didn't win.

But thank you, everyone, for playing Grope On A Rope.

Laura Whitmore, it says here

you have been sweating about Melvin. Uh-oh!

No, hold on. First of all, when I did mention the sweat,

-I didn't know I was going to be bes...

-Let's move on!

I didn't know I was going to be beside Melvin.

So what is it, then, what's your problem?

It's male friends, one specific.

You know when you've got your male friends

and your girlfriends and you go out.

And then your male friends hit on your girlfriends.

Or then your male friends go through your Facebook to find out

which of your girlfriends are hot. And then you're like,

"Hey, how come you're friends with loads of my friends?"

-And then you realise it's because...

-Because he's a sex troll!

Basically, I'm talking about Melvin.

Melvin, what have you been doing?

Have you been getting busy on the net?

-I was just... I was doing some work on my computer one day.

-Yes.

And Laura's Facebook page just popped up in front of me.

So I went through a few of her friends by accident

and I came across one particular young lady who was quite delicious.

Delicious!

-And so messaged her.

-Does he do it a lot?

There are a few mutual friends and I don't know how you know

so many Irish people from my home town.

That is the beauty of the internet.

OK, time now for The Sweatbox,

where you get to actually help members of this very audience,

who will tell you what small thing they've been sweating about.

Do your best to help them out with advice.

The team they decide has given the most help will get the point.

-All you all ready?

-ALL: Yes!

OK, let's do this. Who is first in The Sweatbox?

-Hi, I'm Ian.

-And I'm Matt.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-What's your problem?

-We hate our job.

HATE.

-They hate their job.

-Yeah.

What do you do for a living?

We work with an egocentric person. Someone who is self-obsessed.

LAURA: What's his name?

Someone who Googles himself all the time.

We have to get up very early for our job, which is painful enough,

but compounded with this guy we work with,

it makes it even more difficult.

It's miserable.

Right, who do you work for?

We work with that idiot there.

We produce the Radio One Breakfast Show.

That's Ian and Finchy from my radio show, everybody.

CHEERING

Ian, what's the single worst thing that Grimmy's done to you?

What do you think is worse?

The self-obsessed...the neediness is pretty bad, to be fair.

Sometimes when you come in and you're like...

-I feel sorry for him.

-.."Oh, I'm in a bad mood."

Any advice on what they can do? They hate their job.

I think you have to start somewhere and at some point you have

to lick someone's arse, even if you hate them.

Come with us on Kiss Breakfast.

I was going to punt for that, actually.

-Do you need engineers and producers?

-There are vacancies.

I can get you in touch with some people.

OK, bye, Matt.

Who's advice are you going to go for?

We like The Saturdays the best, so this team.

You like The Saturdays the best?

Mainly because they fancy these ladies.

OK, who is next in The Sweatbox?

Hi, I'm Claire. ALL: Hi, Claire!

What's your sweat?

Am I too old to be obsessed with a boy band?

-How old are you?

-I'm 32.

-No!

-No!

-Who are the boy band?

It's One Direction.

AUDIENCE CHEER

I think Harry's had great taste so far.

And you're younger than some of the girls

that Harry has been with from One Direction.

I mean, I'm looking at you now and I...would.

Easy, Max!

No, I definitely think that...yeah.

Any ideas over here what we could do?

When did you start liking them?

I quite liked them when they were on The X Factor.

And then I think it was the Olympics.

I was watching and I was like, Oh, my God! They are, like, really fit."

Oh, my God! They are on a bus!

When you say obsessed, what do you mean? Do you lick their faces?

-I would probably lick their faces.

-They would probably let you do that.

-Who is your favourite?

-Louis is my favourite.

You could have Louis, like, maybe. Or you could have Max right now.

Let's go for it!

CHEERING

You have cured her! Praise be to Jesus!

Or...

would you like to be a lesbian with The Saturdays?

I'm up for that as well, yeah.

Go on! Get down there!

OK...

Come on!

Boy band or lesbians?

-Lezzers!

-I think I'm going to go for the lesbians.

CHEERING

A point for Melvin's team.

That was my highlight of the show. Her going, "Lezzers!"

That was the final round. Thank you, Sweatboxers. Thank you.

So that is it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are...

..Rickie's team.

THEY CHEER

A massive thank you to

Ricky, Max, Jay, Matt, Melvin, Mollie, Vanessa and Laura.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I have been Nick Grimshaw.

Good night, everybody.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd