Episode 7 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello! Welcome to Sweat The Small

Stuff. Sweating the small stuff tonight are Melvin Odoom, and we

have the brilliant come Eid yen Ian Smith -- comedian Ian Smith and the

Coronation Street star, Georgia May Foote. On Rochelle's team Romesh

Ranganathan, and the man sweating it, he is not even a Professor, it's

Professor Green everybody. Let's get on with the show!

Hello everyone. This is the panel show all about those little

annoyances in life because life's little annoyances really are worth

worrying about. This week I have been sweating about that bloke from

Oldham who I am obsessed with. He got so drunk on a night out that he

actually woke up in Paris. Not Paris Hilton. The city. Paris in France.

There he is. It's incredible when you think about

it, he must have been like blackout drunk going through customs, passed

out on the flight, he called it a crazy journey. Sarah Harding just

calls it travelling. Also this week I have been sweating about the fate

of former X Factor winners. Poor Steve Brookstein and Leon Jackson

have been left off the X Factor greatest hits album. Aw! Apparently

Steve was so upset greatest hits album. Aw! Apparently

news he dropped the burger that he was flipping.

Let's find out who our Tapes are. Mel -- Captains are. Melvin, lovely

to see you fully clothed. Melvin before the show likes to be all

naked back stage just to calm down and get in the mood. He has a sock

covering his private parts and walks around back stage. I have the sock

here. It's disgusting that.

APPLAUSE There you go.

Professor Green is here. Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hi, Professor Green. How are you?

Very well, how are you? Very good. You got married this year. I did,

yeah. That was exciting. You married Millie Mackintosh. Now you are rich

beyond your wildest dreams! We had Example on here last week who also

got married. We established his wife married him for money. Right. Millie

didn't need to marry you for loads of money because she's got loads of

money. Why do you think she married you? I reckon it was my marvellous

personality. Yeah, I think so. Did you tell her you were a real

Professor? Right. We are also joined tonight on the show by a lady called

Georgia May Foote everybody. Shall we make some noise.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello. I don't want to be too

laddie, because sometimes I get really laddie. You are so laddie. I

want to say one thing to you, you are well fit. You were nominated for

the Sex jest -- Sexiest Female at the Soap Awards but you didn't win.

But to be fair the Soap Awards but you didn't win.

of the winner here. I mean... Seriously, she's smoking.

Literally, 160 a day now. Is there anything that makes you

sweat about life in Coronation Street? A little bit, yeah. Like,

because people obviously think they know you because they see you on

telly a lot and will come up, how are you, all right? Your hair looks

nice. And just like, personal space. Don't say that to Melvin, that's the

cruellest thing ever! Can we making some noise as well for a man called

Ian Smith everybody. Welcome to the show, Ian Smith.

Thank you. Is that one of them fancy showbiz names? If you Google my name

that I do a lot, the most famous Ian Smith is a former African war Lord.

Ian Smith. That's who I thought we had booked! Sorry, African war Lord

fans. Romesh, hello. How are you? APPLAUSE

Before becoming a comedian you used to be a maths teener. Yeah. --

teacher. What was the most successful career, maths teacher or

comedian. Both stressful With the kids it is - you do want to give

them a back hand. One situation this parent came in, their son was really

badly behaved. I said, well, you know, your son's out of control. He

said, can't you just hit him? I said, well, we are not allowed to

hit him. Then he said, what if I give you a letter that says you are

allowed to hit him? I thought we could give you some cutting witty

classroom heckles right now and then if you can respond to them in a

brilliant way, I will give you a point for your team. All right,

pressure. You have to focus. Teacher, you're shit.

pressure. You have to focus. isn't in bed. That's

say to a child. A point for your team. Sir, you are a poo-poo head.

According to my file you're adopted. Nice, nice. Let's get op on with the

show. This week it's about something that Rochelle has been sweating

about recently. What is that thing? I was speaking to my friend and she

said that her fella fell asleep during sex.

AUDIENCE: Oh! Exactly. I would like to know if she is the only person

this has happened to because I have never experienced it myself. I just

want to know if this is a legit thing what happens Well, it's very

tiring, Rochelle. When you are making sweet love... Can you stop

calling it sweet love! What about you, Ian? Have you had sex?

APPLAUSE Yeah, I have had sex a few times

now. Two times. I thought we would find out how common it actually was.

We put it to the test. We rounded up people on the streets while they

were going about their business and asked them the casual question, hey,

random lady, ever fallen asleep during sex? And as always the way

this is going to work is we will see the person swear on this!

There it is. Oh, yeah. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There it is, the quiff is playing the role of Widow Twanky in panto

this year. AUDIENCE: Oh, no he isn't. Oh, yes,

he is, I have told you he is! Melvin's team, you get to go first.

Hi, my name is James, Melvin's team, you get to go first.

quiff of Grimmy that I will tell the whole truth. Have you

quiff of Grimmy that I will tell the asleep during sex? I love James,

what do we think he has fallen asleep during sex? He looks like a

nice dude. If he does have sex, he savours that moment and stays awake.

All night long. Exactly. I agree with that. They're saying no. James

does not fall asleep. Um, no, I haven't. But it's been tempting.

Right, next is Rochelle's team. Hi, I am Sam. I am Joe. We swear to tell

the whole truth. Have you ever fallen asleep during sex? Now, I

think they're a couple, so both of them. This is about to get awkward

again. She was quite excitable, she was like, quite... Yeah, she was and

he looked like he was about to fall asleep there. He will say yes, she

will say no. Let's find out if that's correct. Yes. No. A few

nights ago. It was a different woman, don't worry. Thank you the

people of Great Britain for playing on The Quiff of Grimmy. Bye quiff.

It's time now for Rochelle and Melvin The Challenges. This is where

each week I challenge our Captains to take a small sweat out to the

streets and into public spaces. This week it's all about those people who

brag all of the time. Melvin, do you think you managed to get away with

this one? I thought it was really easy. They were like, Melvin, you

smashed it. You are a legend. OK. Let's find out who won in Rochelle

and Melvin The Challenges. My message for Melvin is, don't call

my old phone number, call my new number, it's 0121, do one. If I had

one piece of advice for Rochelle it would be failure is coming to your

doorstep and that failure is me. I didn't mean it like that. Task

number one. Get chatting to someone. Find out their exam results and brag

that you did better. I am DJing downstairs. Do you work here? I do.

You look like intelligent ladies. What do you do? I work for a tour

operator. What do you work in? Did you have to take GCSEs for that?

Really, what did you get? No way. I got a phone call today, I got

literally five A*s and five As. The school called me today. It's so

random. What qualifications do you have? Although I am a DJ I have a

Masters in IT. When I graduated they called me to congratulate me. I was

nearly in the social network as an extra to say thank you for your

work. Task number two. Ask a member of the public about three items of

their clothing. And brag that yours are better. Where did you get that

top from? I have five of the same thing at home. Where is this shirt

from? Top Shop. I used to have one from Prada. You slipped that in

there, Prads! Your shoes, where did you get them from? I have a similar

pair but they're a collaboration with a Japanese designer and Marks

Spencer. How about that one? I really like that. I used to have one

but my walk-in wardrobe is in such a mess. Your jeans, wicked cut man.

but my walk-in wardrobe is in such a the thread is gold. I can't even dry

clean them, they have to sit in the cupboard. Are they Louboutin? I am

good friends with him, he sent me some a little bit like that about a

month ago. I just love fashion. Thank you. You look great. Thanks,

sorry. Task number three. Name dropping.

Drop as many famous names into your conversation as you can. Easy. Were

you at the pub last night? I had a mad night out a few weeks ago, Jay Z

was here. It was so sick. He rings Gwyneth who brings Chris Martin.

Tinie Tempah is next to me, Rita Ora, Adele. Beyonce, I swear, in

here. She says she's going to bring Gwen Stefani next time. I was like

afterparty, let's go to my house. Open my door, Nicole Sherzinger is

there. Tulis. They had to drag all these stools over because... Guess

who's in town right now, Miley Cyrus. How are you doing? I am

twerking on a Labrador. My friends are coming, they're not anyone

exciting like that, unless you like Shakira. She's cool. You like

Shakira? APPLAUSE

You are the winner, you get a point are to your team, Rochelle.

You are the winner, you get a point I like that, you get one point.

You are the winner, you get a point these names and I am like, then Cee

Lo Green wanted a stool. What have you been sweating about, Romesh? I

have been sweating about strangers talking to me in the street. The way

strangers talk to you, they say something ridiculously obvious and

put isn't it after it. This happened to me, I am in a post office, in the

queue at the post office, there is an elderly lady in front with a cat.

First of all, that's unacceptable. Sort out people bringing cats out in

public! It's an absolute joke. Anyway, she turns round to me, it's

taking a long time, isn't it? Obviously what she wants me to do is

go yeah, it is taking a long time. She doesn't want me to have a

conversation, well, no I don't think it is taking a long time. I don't

understand why your perception of time is different to mine, you have

so little left. That's not what she wants to hear. She then says to me,

this girl behind the counter is not very good, is she. I went no,

because I want the woman and cat out of my life. Gets to the front of the

queue, does her transaction, I don't know, sending the cat to Melbourne,

whatever she is up so. And then says, he and I don't think you

should be working it. That's why you don't talk to people.

APPLAUSE OK it's time for Grimmy

Investigates, that's me. Every week I asked listeners of Radio 1 and

followers of Twitter account what their biggest sweats are concerning

a topic. I will pick one of those sweats and attempt to investigate it

for them. Once again, Melvin, this deserves a detective series opening

title sequence. Last week I dressed up as Columbo. This week I thought I

would Actual opening sequence of

MissMarple that. This week's chosen sweat topic was

all about people you fancy but don't know why. I asked everyone who their

weird celebrity crushes were ap why. -- and why. We have so many texts

and tweets from people. Kerry from Hull, her weird celebrity crush is

Eamonn Holmes. Next even weirder, was Laura from

Dumfries. Her weird celebrity crush, Melvin Odoom.

Sorry, Melvin. I thought it would be good to investigate into whether or

not celebrities do have weird celebrity crushes, as well. We are

going to play a game now called Oh, Fancy That! Before the show I asked

each panellist who their weirdest celebrity crush is and I will show

the opposite team a trio of celebrities, they must guess which

panellist has a weird crush on. Melvin's team, who out of George

Alagiah, Trevor McDonald and Lizo Mzimba does Rochelle have a weird

celebrity crush on? Oh my days. Who do you think roch has the hots for

out of those people -- Rochelle? It's got to be Lizo. I grew up...

Not in the same house. I think it's Trevor McDonald. I do. Rochelle

likes a man that's going to take control. He knows what time it is,

10.00pm news. He is control. He knows what time it is,

down the door and put you to sleep. It's going to be Trev. Rochelle,

please reveal your weird celebrity crush. Yeah, it's Trev. It is

Trevor! You get a point for your team.

Rochelle, what is it about Trevor that you like? He is old school, a

bit of a gent. He is brave, goes to prisons and chats to jail-mates.

Would you leave Marvin? No That's a yes. Rochelle, I have a very, very

sexy treat for you. Take a look at this.

Oh-oh! What an action man in his chopper. Nice hose, Trevor.

My favourite. Oh, yeah, baby! APPLAUSE

Hot shit. Rochelle's team, who out of Minnie Mouse, Lady off Lady and

The Tramp and The Hare from the John Lewis Christmas advert does Melvin

have a weird celebrity crush on? I reckon lady. Do you think she's fit?

Yeah. Who would you most like to have a go on? Or Minnie Mouse.

Massive hands. It's not good. Shall we go Lady. They're saying that you

fancy Lady off Lady and The Tramp. Better than the tramp, I guess.

Please reveal your weird celebrity crush. I fancy the Hare from the

John Lewis advert. What! Why, what is it that you like? She's a

absolute cock tease. Flirting with all the animals and, you know that

she loves to ride all the animals and, you know that

so hello. APPLAUSE

Oh, no! You have ruined Christmas, Melvin.

Melvin's team, who out of Jesse Wallace, Jesse from Toy Story and

Jesse J when she was bald does Romesh have a crush on? Jesse the

Cowgirl from Toy Story. Well done a point for your team. What is it

about her that you fancy? First of all, aesthetically she's very

attractive, it's not just that. She's had a tough upbringing, I

don't know if you know the story. When her first owner left her

behind, she's got that dark past. She doesn't let that define who she

is as a person and she's moved beyond that. And also the thing I

like about her, she obviously has morals because she liked Buzz from

Toy Story two, you could see that. But only at the very end of Toy

Story 3 do they even hold hands. So you know, yes, she likes Buzz but

she's not going to put it out just like that. Whereas MrsPotato Head is

a slut. Thank you all for playing Grimmy Investigates, thank you guys.

It's time for the Sweat Box where you get to help members of this very

audience. They will tell you what they've been sweating about recently

and you must do your best to help them with advice. Which ever team

they decide has given them the most help will get the points, as easy as

that. Who is first in the Sweat Box tonight? Hi, I am Ed. My sweat is

that I am 18 years old but tonight? Hi, I am Ed. My sweat is

like, where's your mum? Time to go to bed, lights out. Where is your

mum, though? She's in the here, I am sorry. -- not sheer. I am sorry.

It's late, let's be quick with this one. Do you have any advice? Maybe

get a really hot older partner. Girls or guys? Guys. OK, go out with

a hot older guy. But he would look like my dad.

AUDIENCE: Oh! APPLAUSE

Get to bloody bed, Ed! No Toys R Us tomorrow, you little shit! In years

this will be a quality. In a club nowadays people think I have gone to

pick up my niece. I look like a taxi driver waiting outside. Business,

please? It's awful. You need to enjoy that man, it's great. Embrace

it. Ian Smith, do you have any advice? He has to get himself one of

these. I have a marker pen, have a go on this. Shall we do him a beard?

You are not going to draw on his face? This is permanent so you have

to really like this one. We will go with a sort of Romesh line across

the top. That's nice. What about crow's feet, as well? Yeah, I feel

like the shittest face painter in the world. Only do beards. I know

you want to be a lion but you are having a beard. You look like Ian's

stunt double. Do you wear glasses? Glasses is nice. Both of you look

down the camera here, look. Next to each other. Down this one.

APPLAUSE You look exactly the same. Ian, come

and sit back down. Whose advice are you going to go for? They're saying

embrace it, just enjoy looking young. Or go around with pen all

over your face like a nutter? I am going to have to go with Rochelle's

team. It's a work of art that! Who is next in the Sweat Box? Hi, I am

Hugo, I am 2 is and -- 21 and from Brazil. There is this girl obsessed

with me, to get her off my back I lied to her that I was gay. Now

she's trying to hook me up with her gay friends. The lie's gone too far

for me and I don't know how to solve this problem. This is an amazing

sweat. This is good. Really good. I think you need to do is make

yourself up as a real man's man on television, then she will see you,

realise you are not gay and stop trying to set you up with her gay

friends. Why don't you come out to the front here, don't come out! Walk

out to the front, Hugo. I will do you a makeover to make you look even

more manlier. Come on then, Hugo. APPLAUSE.

We will start off with the manliest of all items, the leather jacket.

Try that on. Think the Fonz, Elvis or even Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Turn

around. It says real man's man. You know it's literally... Turn around.

Next. What's is manlier I thought than a cowboy? Nothing gay about a

cowboy. That's a real man. You look so manly! Hang on.

APPLAUSE There's something missing. You need

something else to look even manlier. There's something missing. You need

Maybe like a dog. Real men have There's something missing. You need

get you a dog. You look so straight. I don't even

think you need advice from the teams. Just go and live your life

like that. Look down camera one and say, obviously I am not gay, stop

trying to set me up with your gay friends. Melanie, I am obviously not

gay, stop trying to set me up with your gay friends, please. He is well

straight. Ladies and gentlemen, Hugo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That's the end of the show. I can

reveal that the winners... Wait, wait, I like it when you make it

tense on the show. Really, do you want me to make it tense then?

Please. Well... Let's... Get tense in this! You are right, it's good

when it's tense. OK. It's the best way to end the show. Oh, my God,

this is so tense I can barely take it. OK. I actually can't do this.

Can we get the Quiff of Grimmy to deliver the winning envelope to me.

Oh, my God, you are right, this is locking tense! Ladies and gentlemen,

I can reveal that the winners of tonight's show are... While this is

really a shocker... It's Rochelle's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING What are the chances? Rochelle's

team. Wow. Unbelievable. A big thank you to Rochelle, Romesh, Professor

Green, Melvin, Ian and Georgia May Foote. This has been Sweat The Small

Stuff. I have been Nick Grimmy. You have

Stuff. I have been Nick Grimmy. You been beautiful. Bye.