Compilation Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language

Great start there. Brilliant start and the crowd love it, I think.

I think they enjoy all being out the house. Oh, hi there.

Welcome to the best and unseen bits of Sweat The Small Stuff Series 3.

You join me here with the show's director, Toby, who's also my lover.

-What?

-You are.

He's quite the bear. We are going to have a look back

at some of the laughs we've had over this series, so get yourself comfy

and enjoy some of the best bits of Sweat The Small Stuff Series 3.

Press the button. Oh, by the way, did you cut out

-all the Rochelle and Melvin bits, cos they had to go, didn't they? OK. Press play, Toby.

-Don't touch me.

APPLAUSE

Hi. This is Sweat The Small Stuff,

the panel show all about those little annoyances in life

because life's little annoyances really are worth sweating over.

This week, I've been sweating about Gareth Malone

being on the show because...

CHEERING

I know what Malone is going to make me do.

He's going to try and make me sing and even though I don't want to,

once you look in Malone's eyes, you can't not sing.

You will sing.

# I can't live

-# If living is without you... #

-More.

# I can't give

# I can't give any more... #

-Go for it! Go for it!

-# I can't live... #

-I think that's fine. Thank you.

-So persuasive.

He's like...human Rohypnol.

Right. We're going to start off by finding out about our team captains.

Our beautiful Rochelle, it was nice to see you performing at Eurovision.

Loved that. You looked amazing.

LAUGHTER

-Melvin, you and Marvin, you're mates in real life, you hang out.

-Mm-hm.

Is this going to be a distraction or is this going to make

-the team stronger?

-I think it's going to really confuse Rochelle,

definitely. She won't know what to do. Two sexy, hot guys on this team.

She won't know what to do with herself.

You went to the stag do, of course, to Marvin's stag.

-No, I didn't go to his stag do.

-Yeah, you did.

-No, I didn't go on the stag.

-We've got a photo of you on the stag.

LAUGHTER

-And you have got quite a hardcore following of fans.

-Other than me.

You are, of course, The Vamps and the girls are the Vampettes, the boys are the Vampions.

You should cash in on some merch for the girls, is what I'm thinking.

The Vampettes could use...

vampons.

LAUGHTER

-That is nice.

-Brilliant.

-That is awesome.

-For heavy flow.

-JLS have got their condoms.

-They have got their condoms, yeah.

-Would you like a vampon?

-Yeah.

-There you go, Abbey Clancy. There you go.

-One box sold.

-It hasn't got our faces on them?

-No!

-Urgh!

-Oh, my God.

-That is disgusting.

No, Brad, they won't have the faces on cos then your face would swell.

We are all going to learn now from Alexa Chung, who's well fashionable,

what's in and what's out, basically.

-The little game is called "It Or Not It?".

-OK.

-OK.

OK. So, first of all, Alexa Chung, espadrilles, it or not it?

-I love an espadrille.

-Yeah?

-I think they're great.

-But they do make your feet smell weird.

-Oh, OK.

-I think they're it.

They're it. OK. What about backpacks?

It or not it?

The problem is with backpacks, they're incredibly ageing.

As soon as you put one on and you're not at school...

That is true. What about little baby turtles?

-They're adorable.

-They're so it!

-They're so it.

-Especially in a little sandwich.

-Do you think you can pick Melvin up?

-Try! Please try.

Please try.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What the fuck are you doing with my boyfriend, mate?!

-That is so good.

-I'll knock you out, prick.

This might be the weirdest question I've ever asked on telly,

but is it true that you can do a great impression of Sellotape?

So, I lost my tooth in a fight, a food fight,

and then, basically, since then, I've got this little hole

and I can do various tapes.

So, like, this is Sellotape.

HE SQUEALS

CHEERING

I can do gaffer tape.

HE SQUEAKS

I can do double-sided, which is...

HE SQUEAKS TWICE

And that... That is it.

The Rock-o-meter is a physical representation of just how

rock 'n' roll you and Example are.

First up, have you ever slept with a groupie?

# These hoes ain't loyal. #

No. Er... No.

-No? You?

-Loads.

-Loads!

Have you ever got off with a model, say, Carla Delevingne?

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Rock 'n' roll, man!

You're married to one, aren't you?

Miss Australia. It's different.

All right, then. We'll move you up one. Jesus Christ.

-Have you ever had a poo at Jay-Z's house?

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Can you show me how to do an on-screen kiss?

-You want me to do it on you?

-Yeah. Shall we do it here?

CHEERING

-So, this one's no tongues.

-We're going to do no tongues,

-but you have to pretend like you fancy me.

-OK. I'm into it.

So, it would be like... I don't know why I've done this.

-Do I hold the elbows?

-Are you really going to do it?!

CHEERING

High-five for that.

LAUGHTER

Let's have another best bit, probably featuring me.

Hit it, Toby, you big bear.

OK. You can take your blindfolds off.

Is it a boy or is it a girl?

Has Ed Sheeran just got back from travelling?

Seriously, though, Melvin, you do like to chat up ladies in the bar.

If you saw this...this head,

would you be like, "I'm going to have sex with them"?

I think you guys have stitched me up cos I know this head.

-You know that head?!

-I know this head.

-You know this head?

-Yeah.

-How do you know this head?

-Oh, my God.

-I met her about a month ago.

No way!

And she's a surfer which is why her hair looks like that.

Do you want to do this? You're saying a girl and you know her?

This tells us something because you recognise her from behind.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Do you want to find out if it's a boy or girl?

-I know it's a girl.

-OK. Come and buy her a drink.

-Did you say you've dated her?

-Yeah.

He's dated everyone that ever comes onto the show.

Including me and I didn't like it.

Come on, then, Melvin. Let's find out. Is he right?

He's saying it's a girl that he's dated. Let's find out.

-Could be a slap to the face.

-Oh, my God.

OK. Here we go. Here we go.

Hi, sexy. Can I get you a drink?

I'm Luke and I'm a boy.

OK. Let's get on with the show.

It's time for the round where we go out and about

to meet the great British public.

Please welcome the Quiff of Grimmy.

APPLAUSE

-It's amazing.

-It's good, right?

-Really good.

-DJ Fresh?

-Yes, big up.

Rochelle's team, this one's for you.

Hi, I'm Meg and I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Do you talk dirty during sex?

Foxes, what do you think?

-She's got that Jane Eyre essence about her, hasn't she?

-Yes.

-Beautiful.

-If she did talk dirty, it would be so beautiful.

-You wouldn't mind.

-Yeah. You'd be like, "Carry on."

-You could say it to your mum and dad?

-Yeah. I love her.

-Shall we go no?

-Yeah.

-OK. They think no. Let's see if you're right.

Not particularly.

I prefer to be spoken dirty to.

What would someone say to you?

Um...

Compliments are always nice.

Usually on my arse.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, just to be told that I'm a bad girl is pretty great as well.

So good.

I love her. I love her.

I like her.

-Can I...?

-No, you can't do anything. Just relax. No, no.

No, no, no. You can't have anything to do with her.

Just a copy of the tape.

LAUGHTER

Melvin's team, next one for you.

Hi, my name's Max and I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Have you ever tried role-play during sex?

-He is serious. He is serious.

-Now then.

I think his role-play involves computers and dragons.

Do you reckon? I think he looks quite normal, though. I think he could be...

-I don't know.

-I don't think he looks a confident enough actor.

-Yes.

I think he'd be, like, "Hello.

"I'm here to mend your washing machine.

"I've got a hard-on now."

And do you reckon he does the role-play in sexy time, though?

-We'll say no.

-They're saying no.

-Yes.

-What was it?

Lord Of The Rings.

APPLAUSE

Lord Of The Rings.

Definitely a goblin!

Who was lord of whose ring?

-Oh, yeah!

-Who would you be in the Lord Of The Rings? That little...

-Gollum.

-Gollum. Oh, my God. I am so horny for Gollum.

Just grab the knob and be like, "My precious!"

It would be weird, though, cos he's bipolar, innit?

-Yeah, one minute he'd be up for it.

-Two people.

"Master wants the cocks, doesn't he?"

Then he'd just be, like, switching it up and then he goes evil

and then nice and then he's doing you from behind.

After he's finished having sex with you,

an eagle just comes in and takes him off.

Right. It's time now for Rochelle and Melvin, the challenges.

This is where each week I challenge our team captains

to take a small sweat out onto the streets and into the public's faces

and this week's sweat is about those annoying job interviews

where everything just seems to go wrong

and the interviewers... They're just dicks, basically.

So, what I've done is set up some job interviews for people

to be Rochelle and Melvin's assistants on this show

to find out just what happens when they become the world's

most annoying interviewers.

Let's find out who won in Rochelle and Melvin, the challenges.

I'm a people person. I understand the human brain and how it ticks.

S Club Juniors, I'm in the band. The Saturdays, I'm in the band.

I've just never really had a bad interview.

I'm going to get in with my questions and get out,

like it's a bank robbery. This is a bank robbery of the mind.

"Task number one. Read your applicant's CV...

"..and try to catch them out three times." This is going to be easy.

-Hi.

-How are you doing, bruv?

-Hello. How are you doing?

-You cool?

-Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

-Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure.

Me and the other guys insist on meeting everyone now

cos we've had a few problems with runners and stuff in the past.

It says here that your best attribute is making people laugh.

-OK.

-Go on, then.

-Do you like jokes?

Yeah, what's your best joke? That's cool.

Oh, God.

-I see that you've been in musicals.

-I have.

-I love Grease.

-Yeah, Grease was a good one.

-# One, two, three, four, happy days

# Wednesday, Thursday, happy days. #

It was great.

Happy Days wasn't actually in Grease. That was a test.

-It's a song.

-It wasn't in Grease.

-No, I know that.

-OK, fine.

What's the last funny thing that happened to you?

Well, the other day, I fell down the stairs.

-It's not really that funny.

-Did you have to go to hospital?

-No.

-OK. That's not funny then.

-It says here you speak French.

-Yeah.

Hola. Me llamo Rochelle.

Ca va?

I was speaking Spanish.

-Just a test.

-What font did use on this CV?

Oh, it must have been...

Do you not know?

What size is it? Did you write this?

-Yeah, it's 12.

-Are you sure it's 12?

-Yeah.

-Cos it looks like 13, 14.

-11 is the small bit and 12 is the bigger bit.

-OK.

I believe you this time.

Another thing on your CV, it says you're a fast learner.

Can you repeat these - 15, 18, 92, 67, 87, 77, 17, 7?

57, 92, 87, 97, 16, 7.

-Nearly.

-Right?

Are there any other falsities on your CV? Or just that one?

That was not a false...falsity.

I sent Rochelle and Melvin out to find out what would happen

when they tried to get their own way with complete strangers.

Let's find out who won in Rochelle and Melvin, the challenges.

"Task number one. Manipulate a member of the public...

"..to help you load your shopping by being sexy."

Sexy? Well, that's my middle name.

Hey, man. How you doing? I was wondering if you could help me out for a second?

My bag's really heavy.

It's got some water in and I can't quite...

Would you give me a hand putting them in the car?

I've just been working out at the gym and my muscles are pretty sore.

-Yeah, no worries.

-Thank you very much.

Sorry.

-You look like your work out, too.

-I don't work out but I'll help you.

MUSIC: "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby" by Barry White

Sorry, I hurt my leg last night table dancing at work.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, my goodness. I feel as if I need a Diet Coke.

Ooh!

Your arms must be so strong.

Mmm! Thank you so much.

I enjoy watching you work, man.

Nothing better than a muscly guy.

SHE GIGGLES

Just up and down, up and down.

Thank you so much!

CHEERING

You take care. Have a good day.

I miss you already, man.

Mmm-mm-mm!

Please welcome Shakes and Jade to the dock, everybody.

APPLAUSE

Hello. Please state your full names to the court.

-I'm the lovely Jade Jones.

-Shakes Harris.

Why are you in the dock today?

Basically, he goes into the bath, the shower,

and when he comes out, it's just talcum powder everywhere!

-Talc?

-Talcum powder, so I can be fresh.

Talcum powder is for babies and old ladies.

And adults who like to keep themselves clean and fresh.

We have some evidence here, right now.

Oh, wow. Looks like Nigella's house!

In an allotted time, both teams cross-examine the couple

and put their case forward to the jury, who are our audience.

They will reach their verdict on whether or not Shakes is guilty

of the disgusting crime of getting talc all over the place.

It's disgusting. It's sick. I don't want to influence you, though.

Let's kick off with Rochelle's team. You're leading Shakes' defence.

-Can you cross-examine the couple now, please?

-Yes.

So, Jade, I'd like to know what's wrong with your partner looking

after his genitals and making sure they're dry.

Just going to get straight to the point.

-Do you think he is talcing his balls?

-What else is he talcing?!

-That's what I'm doing.

-That's what he's doing!

-Talcing your balls?

-Keep up, keep up!

-You are talcing your balls?

-Everything that is around here,

balls, bottom, everything stays dry.

I wouldn't mind if he just sprinkled a little bit, just to keep dry

but it's everywhere!

I think that you should be grateful that you've got a man

that takes care of himself.

I think, do you know what, just get the Hoover out, Hoover it up.

APPLAUSE

Girl power with the Spice Girls,

but "get the Hoover out" with The Saturdays.

Melvin's team, please cross-examine the couple.

-Shakes, do you mind if I call you Shakes?

-Please do.

-I will do, mate.

-Do you live together, you two?

-We do.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And how long have you been disrespecting your missus?

Er... Oh... Five years?

Oh, right, so you're admitting that you disrespect her. OK!

Case closed.

Shakes, you're using talcum powder, which was popular in 1970. OK?

What you need to do is get a hair dryer and some Febreeze, yeah?

It's 2014, yeah?

If you want to be fresh, Febreeze, hair dryer, spray it, tch, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Members of the jury, you have heard from both sides.

Whose side are you on?

Please cast your votes, holding up your guilty or not guilty signs.

Oh...

Shakes, do you know what,

you've been found not guilty.

APPLAUSE

You are free to go and talc up your dick

and house for as long as you want.

Why are we in the dock today, Rochelle and Marvin?

OK, I work most evenings

and my wife is at home and there's TV shows that come on.

And I call her up and say, "Babe, Match Of The Day,

"Chelsea played tonight, I missed the game, so record it,

"I'll watch it when I get in from work." Get home from work...

-it's not been recorded.

-Oh... Disrespect!

It's not been recorded.

I go on the planner and she's taped Kardashians instead of...

-Oh...

-..instead of Match Of The Day.

-He wants to watch Chelsea...

whoever she is.

Let's kick off with Melvin's team.

You are leading Rochelle's prosecution.

Can you cross-examine the couple now?

-Yeah. Rochelle, is this just plain getting back at Marvin?

-No.

I just... Here's the joke. I do do it.

But then I haven't recorded it in HD.

-Yes!

-So he doesn't like it.

-That's another thing.

I just don't see the difference between normal and HD, I don't...

Well, one's HD and one's not!

Rochelle's team, you are Rochelle's defence.

Bobby and Foxes, any questions to the couple in the court tonight?

-How many times has she not recorded?

-This is a regular occurrence.

-No, it's not.

-This is at least twice a week.

-Oh, my...

You're just hamming it up, you are.

Maybe you need to stop avoiding the problems in your marriage

with television.

-And start paying your wife some actual attention.

-Yeah!

Maybe you just like to escape and haven't really felt the love

since the baby came!

Maybe you want a divorce and don't know how to say it.

Er, your time is up, members of the jury,

you have heard from both sides. Have our jury reached a verdict?

Whose side are you on? Is Rochelle guilty or not guilty?

Ooh...

Rochelle, you have been found guilty!

CHEERING

Heinous crime of forgetting to record Marvin's programmes

and I sentence you to let Marvin have control of what

is on telly for six months.

Thank you, Rochelle and Marvin, everybody!

APPLAUSE

There are sometimes bits of the show that the people who sit here

get to see that you at home don't.

The technical industry term for them are the unseen bits,

so let's take a look at some of them now.

Press play, please, Toby.

The chosen sweat topic is awkward greetings.

In order to examinate into this,

I played quite a horrible prank on our panellists.

Now, when everybody arrived tonight we told them

that I wanted to say hello before the show started. As if!

Then, unbeknown to them,

I was actually examinating into how our panel would deal with

the most awkward of greetings and we secretly filmed it.

And what we secretly filmed was me giving them a very weird

and very long over-friendly hug.

Rochelle, Romesh and Example,

who do you think from Melvin's team hugged me for the longest?

-I think Rita.

-I think Rita.

-Rita? OK, let's go Rita.

You think Rita Ora hugged me for the longest?

-Let's find out.

-Is this where we are doing it?

-This glamorous room.

Give us a hug. Are you OK?

-All good, man.

-Nice to see you.

Good to see you.

What's been happening?

-Not a lot. I've just been working.

-Yeah?

LAUGHTER

-You tired?

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

-I need to go and eat, man.

-OK. See you... See you on the show.

-All right.

-All right, I'll go do the rest of the links.

OK.

-Hi. How are you? You OK?

-Very good.

-Nice to meet you. How are you?

I just want to say hi...

Eh?

-OK.

-Thanks for coming on.

-Thanks.

-Pleasure.

-OK. See you later.

Can't wait to see you. Bye.

APPLAUSE

-Give me a hug.

-I'm so ill.

Look at my tonsils.

Let me see. Oh, you need a hug.

Did you see it?

It's disgusting.

-You haven't missed me. You only miss me...

-When I see you?

-..when you see me.

-Can you feel my semi?

Can you feel mine?

Can you look at my tonsils properly?

Oh, my God.

It's disgusting.

I'm going to touch it.

-I'm really scared.

-Let me see.

APPLAUSE

It was Rita Ora.

44 seconds of hugging. You get a point for your team.

-That was good.

-Well done, well done.

Abbey Clancy, you have been sweating about mess. What is it about mess?

-Just general mess? Just mess?

-Mess. It just gives me anxiety.

If you think Monica from Friends times a million.

I remember Pete's friend come round,

sat on the arm of my couch which no-one is allowed to sit on.

Straddled the arm of the couch with his undies on,

eating curry in my room that no-one is allowed to eat in or sit in.

-I had a heart attack.

-You have a sofa that no-one is allowed to sit on?

ROCHELLE: Yeah. I've got one.

-It's a great room.

-It's for show. It's for show.

-Who are you showing this room to?

-Like, my mum...

-Does Peter leave rubbish everywhere?

-He is vile. And my brother...

You think Peter would just leave his rubbish on the pitch - weey!

-Football!

-Just horrible...

Let's have a look at some of Peter's mess. This is some of his mess.

-Shut up!

-That is not his room.

-That's his room.

-No, it's not.

That's his body after I've cut his head off for a leaving it like that.

HE HUMS

Rochelle has so many make-up artists.

Which is weird because when you watch her on TV, you can

never really tell that she has got any slap on.

Who is first in the sweatbox tonight?

Hi, Grimmy, my name's James and my sweat is the way I walk.

-OK.

-So, I'm quite awkward, I'm quite tall,

I don't really know how to carry myself that well.

And I'd really like some advice about how to walk cool.

And just see what you guys say.

OK, you've come to the right place.

It's like this, isn't it? We need to see this, don't we?

We need to see this. Can you show us your walk, please?

-In front of a supermodel?

-Thank you. Don't worry about it!

Whatever, yeah! OK, James, let's see this awkward, weird walk.

STEPTOE AND SON THEME PLAYS

ROCHELLE: Oh, no!

I don't... I mean, I... I don't know what to do.

ROCHELLE: It's because he's so stiff up top.

I mean, it is... It is quite...

-It's something that could definitely be worked on.

-Yeah.

It is quite weird.

It's the little step. You are doing...

You're meant to walk normally but you are going...

-Charlie Chaplin.

-Daisy, you are a model.

-Daisy, you must be great at this.

-You must be able to walk, right?

I'd end up strutting. I'm not, I don't do...

Come on, let's see you... This is a professional walk!

Yeah, but this is a girlie walk.

I have a girlie walk, because you have to, you do a bit of...

That is how you walk!

-Look at this.

-Yeah, but then there is like...

-Don't walk like that, James.

-No, because then that would be... No.

-ROCHELLE: That is a good walk.

-You know the turn you guys do? Models, they do the turn.

Do you do that in real life, walking down the street, you go, "Oh, no, I forgot my keys."

-What, you want me to do it?

-Yes. I want to see you forget your keys.

You're walking down the street.

-She's just walking, popping to Londis.

-Londis!

-Oh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

ROCHELLE: That is good.

-So, James, you should maybe try that.

-Do it like Daisy.

ALL TALK AT ONCE SONG: Sexy And I Know It

Very sexy. Let's have a catwalk. Go!

-Go!

-You've got to move your arms!

-Yes, James!

CHEERING

Really nice.

CHEERING

Thank you all for watching this series and until next series,

I've been Nick Grimshaw, you've all been beautiful, good night.

Say good night, desks. They...they can't speak. Bye!

Bye.

Bye.