Episode 8 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi. Hello, hi.

I'm Nick Grimshaw,

and welcome to the very last episode in the series

of Sweat The Small Stuff. Aww!

ALL: Aww!

Aww! But there is another series.

CHEERING

This is the panel show all about those little annoyances in life,

because life's little annoyances really are worth sweating over.

This week, I am sweating over the fact that David Haye is here,

everybody, an actual...

CHEERING

Legend! Legend!

He could kill me with one punch.

Which is why tonight's winners are...David Haye's team!

LAUGHTER

He's actually boxed for so long that he's taken more

punishment in the ring than Joe Lycett.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Oh, no!

The joke there is I've had a cock up my arse. That's the joke.

And I'm happy to say it's Melvin's.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's get on with the show.

Before we get cracking, let's meet the teams.

First up, the very lovely Rochelle Humes' team.

Hi, Rochelle!

-Who is on your team?

-I've got a good team this week.

On my team, I've got a brilliant stand-up comedian.

It's David Morgan!

CHEERING

And...

SHE COUGHS

..former heavyweight champion of the world,

let's get ready to rumble!

It's David "The Hayemaker" Haye!

CHEERING

Thank you.

Melvin O'Doom, tell us who is on your team this week,

please, Melvin O'Doom.

On my team, I have award-winning comedian Joe Lycett.

CHEERING

And I have one of the richest, most beautiful women in the world.

Give it up for Tamara Ecclestone!

Yeah!

Strong team. Good team, good team.

Right, we're going to start off by finding out how our team captains are.

-How are you, Rochelle Humes?

-Good, love.

Now the series is coming to an end and The Saturdays are going to split up...

Oh, for fuck's sake, Grimmy...

What the hell do you think you'll do with your time?

-Are The Saturdays splitting up?

-Big time.

That's the rumour. But did you hear that

they're bringing Chris Moyles back?

In The Saturdays?

-In The Saturdays?

-No.

You'll be all right, though, cos you've got the telly.

You're on This Morning with Marvin.

But what's...what's-her-name, that no-one remembers?

The one who can't sing? What she going to do? The miserable one.

David, now's your time.

-I don't know any of the names.

-No!

LAUGHTER

No! You don't need to know the names! You need to bash him!

You need to punch him!

Melvin O'Doom, how the hell are you?

Very well, thank you, Grimmy.

You're not going to cry, cos it's the end of the series?

I am a little bit sad about it. Yeah.

What's been your favourite bit of this series?

It's been a good series.

But the highlight for me was, in the Sweatbox,

we had this guy called DJ MC Keen.

-Oh!

-And he did a tune called Busy Lady.

-Does anyone remember him?

-He was great.

Look how happy I am!

LAUGHTER

We're going to get to know your team-mates this week.

Tamara Ecclestone, welcome to the show.

APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hi.

Now, you are by far probably the fanciest and classiest lady -

no offence, Rochelle -

there has ever been on the show.

So, a round of applause for being very minted.

Now, what do you think it is, Tamara,

the most extravagant thing that you own?

What is like the one thing that's pretty wow?

My baby.

-ALL: Aww!

-So lovely!

But what's the best thing that you've bought?

Does the baby have anything quite exciting? Like a quite fancy thing?

I suppose babies don't really want a watch, do they?

No, but later in life she will.

Yeah, she won't want a bejewelled nappy.

She's got a bejewelled pram.

I've seen the bejewelled pram. I like the bejewelled pram.

You're one of the only people that like that.

If you dropped, say, 50p, Tamara, in the street.

Honestly, would you pick it up?

-Obviously.

-Would you?

-Of course!

-Bullshit.

-LAUGHTER

Right, former Heavyweight Champion of the World,

David "The Hayemaker" Haye is here!

CHEERING

-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you. Thanks for having me.

You are the toughest person that we've ever had on

Sweat The Small Stuff.

Oh, listen. You keep giving Melvin some beef there,

but I've seen him on the cobbles.

He looks... He's dangerous, Scrappy-Doo...

LAUGHTER

He's gone for the sort of 1930s boxing approach.

He keeps telling me he's coming down to my gym.

JOE: You look like you're on a tiny little bike.

LAUGHTER

I am going to train with you eventually, David.

-Come on, let's see you two next to each other.

-Yeah, please!

CHEERING

OK, cos this could be pretty good. Right, you two...

You two in the gym together.

You know that thing that you do, what's it called,

before the match when you go...

-The stare out?

-The stare out?

-Yes!

-Let's do this.

OK. Here we go. It's Melvin O'Doom versus David The Hayemaker.

APPLAUSE

That is so weird.

You're quite scary, you know?

He's quite scary, quite scary.

Do you think you could pick Melvin up?

Try! Please try!

Please try.

Aww...

APPLAUSE

This is how my fan fiction begins!

I love that.

JOE: What the fuck you doing with my boyfriend, mate?!

LAUGHTER

-That is so good.

-I'll knock you out, prick!

Leave it, Joe, it's not worth it.

Joe Lycett, welcome back to Sweat The Small Stuff.

CHEERING

-What have you been sweating over?

-I've become a fan of football.

-Really? Joe!

-And I don't know how to do it.

I'm a fan of West Brom, because my friend Karen told me to be.

We went to watch one in an old man pub,

and it was a woman behind the bar and she didn't like me, cos

I ordered a white wine spritzer and then went,

"A white wine spritzer? What the shit is that?"

Which is my new favourite phrase,

because "What the fuck is that?" is quite aggressive, isn't it?

But "What the shit is that?" Quite jolly. I quite like it.

And so, I had to explain to them what a white wine spritzer is.

They went behind the bar for a worrying amount of time and

came back with a pint of soda water

and a full bottle of dessert wine.

And then said, "That will be three quid."

I tell you what, it's the best afternoon I've ever had.

Also joining us on the show tonight,

we have top stand-up comedian David Morgan.

Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

Hello.

-Hello, David Morgan.

-Hi!

-How are you?

I'm really, really good.

I'm quite happy about the fact that there's me, Joe and then you.

And then, to make it macho, we've got the machoist man in all of town.

-Just to tip the balance.

-Yeah!

Sorry, Melvin. And you.

LAUGHTER

-I have to say, great hair.

-Thank you.

-It is so good. Look at that.

How do you get it to do that like...

Annoyingly, it's a natural curl.

Like, I don't put a roller in or anything. I woke up like this.

Wow. Let's get on with the show.

It is time for the round where we go out

and about and meet the great British public.

So, please, give a warm welcome to the Quiff of Grimmy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's good.

-Yeah!

It's like we had a baby.

Anyway, this week, we hit the streets with a particular

sweat that's been troubling Melvin recently.

What is that sweat, please, Melvin?

-Well...

-Well!

I was making sweet love the other night...

Ahh!

-Honestly.

-And things got a little bit heated and I bruised my coccyx.

-Your what?

-My coccyx.

-Oh, your coccyx, OK.

Which is the lower back.

You didn't tell me.

LAUGHTER

I've been sweating about whether people actually

injure themselves, when they're having sex.

Wow. Thank you to that image

of you going at it like a crazed ferret.

It will be engraved for ever in my mind. David, what about you?

Have you ever injured yourself or maybe someone else?

-A couple of times.

-Yourself? What have you had?

-I smashed my head into a headboard before.

-Wow.

Did it just shatter?

No, no. My eye swelled up.

It was on the top of it here. I've thrown my back out, as well.

When I was about 18.

MORGAN: They are filming this, David!

HAYE: I thought we was on a break. Is this the break?

-No, this is it.

-No!

LAUGHTER

You thought it was the break? Oh, no!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

You can cut that out.

No, I haven't had any injuries. No, I haven't.

What did you think the quiff of Grimmy was?

Just showing me...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David, what about you? Any horrible sexual injuries?

We're on now. This isn't the break!

I was having sex with somebody and I knocked his teeth out.

Like, it's not as bad as it sounds because they were not real ones.

-But he was...

-How old were they?

-He was like my age. He wasn't old or anything.

-He was 75.

He took them out and put them by the side of the bed. No.

So, I accidentally head-butted him which is bad anyway

but I knocked out a couple of his...

He had a couple of bridges and I knocked those out.

We didn't really know until I kissed him. I was like, "Is this yours?"

GROANS

Well, we're going to put Melvin's sweat to the test.

We went out and about and asked the very normal day-to-day question

to strangers,

have you ever injured yourself during sex?

You just have to work out if they have or if they haven't.

Melvin's team, you get to go first.

My name is Matt and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy

to tell the truth.

Have you ever injured yourself during sex?

Tamara, what do we think about Matt?

Does he look like the kind of man that could be injured or not really?

-I mean, he looks more of an injurer.

-I think he does the injuring.

I think so.

-What do you think, yes, no, yes?

-Let's say yes.

They are going to say yes. Let's see.

-Yes.

-How?

I had a sore nipple.

-Just the one?

-"Please, I have a sore nipple."

Why has he got one sore nipple? Oh, I don't like that!

-Maybe someone bit it.

-Ah!

-You can get those clamps, can't you?

-Can you?

Next one for you.

My name is Jefferson

and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Have you ever injured yourself during sex?

LAUGHTER

I mean, he's already about to say yes.

I mean, he looks like he injures himself every time.

-I think he is definitely injured.

-You think he has injured someone?

-He looks a bit you know...

-He looks a bit clumsy.

-Yeah.

Yeah, let's go yes.

They are saying yes.

-Yes.

-How?

I split my banjo.

GROANING

Twice.

He's been tuning that banjo.

How's he done it twice? You've only got one!

-What is your banjo again?

-It's the bit that connects your balls to your...

HE IMITATES BENNY HILL THEME TUNE

Melvin's team, this one is for you.

Hi, I'm Aslom and I swear to tell the truth.

Have you ever injured yourself during sex?

-What do we think about Aslom?

-He's got big eyebrows.

He does have big eyebrows. A point for your team.

He looks like he's from the past.

"Well, back in 1804..."

He looks like he has really efficient sex,

like, no fuss, no mess, no noise, just straight in, out.

HE CLICKS

Finished.

Hang on, when you have sex, does it make that noise?

It's like, "Come in."

-Tamara, what are you saying?

-Yes.

-Are we saying yes?

-I think yes.

I think no, actually.

Melvin, you need some strong leadership here now.

-Who are you going to go for?

-I'm going to go with Tamara on this one.

-I still love you though.

-They are saying yes. Let's see.

No. No.

Yet another domestic.

That beard could have caused some terrible chafing.

Rochelle's team, your turn next.

Hi, my name is Jake

and I swear on the quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Have you ever injured yourself during sex?

-100%, yes.

-Rochelle, what do you reckon?

He seems quite nice.

-I don't think he has like nasty sex.

-Soft, gentle strokes.

Yeah, I think he likes love. I think he likes love.

-You're saying no?

-I'm saying no.

-They are saying no. Let's see.

-Yeah.

-How?

Well, I'm sort of going for it

and I dislodged my hip.

It really hurt.

I don't like the action.

Thank you to the people of Great Britain for playing

the Quiff Of Grimmy.

It is time now for Rochelle And Melvin The Challenges,

where, each week, I challenge our team captains to take a small sweat

out on to the streets and into the public's faces.

And this week's sweat is all about estate agents. Need I say more?

I sent Rochelle and Melvin out to find out what would happen when

they became that quite irritating of species, estate agents.

Let's see who won in Rochelle And Melvin The Challenges.

It's not a competition. I've got charm, charisma and this.

I could sell ice to Eskimos.

I mean, if I wasn't a successful radio broadcaster,

and television personality, there is every chance

that I would have been an incredible estate agent.

-I mean, look at this suit.

-He's short and he's bald.

No-one's going to rent a house off a tiny man with a shiny head. Fact.

OK, so task number one. You are an annoying estate agent.

Massively exaggerate the benefits of three basic items

within the property. Easy.

-Welcome. Come in. Hello, sir.

-How are you? Come in, come in.

Out of all the places that I've seen,

this place actually lets the most amount of natural light in.

I mean, I've actually brought these accessories with me

because it's getting hot in here. Someone pass me the suntan lotion.

That's because the technology that they use on the glass,

it actually allows 45% more lumen in than the normal glass.

If you take your shoes off, the floor is a brilliant floor.

I know what you're thinking, it's probably...

It looks, you know, real but it's actually laminate

so there's no splinters. It's completely splinter free.

Huge table. Absolutely massive.

It's like during an episode of Game Of Thrones.

Without the sex and the fighting though. Yeah?

-You never know.

-You never know. I like her!

This oven actually...

Gordon Ramsay insists on having it in every restaurant that he owns.

It looks like a normal toilet,

a normal run-of-the-mill toilet that you get at home.

No, it's completely different.

You come up here, you do your business and kapow! It's gone.

This bathroom has some of the most intense

and satisfying pressures in the borough actually.

They used the original technology from Concorde, yeah.

-You know, who make the plane?

-Yeah.

-You come in here...

Like magic, it's gone.

Task number two, the walls of this property are very thick.

Illustrate this fact to your prospective tenants

by pretending to have a row with your boyfriend.

By singing to them.

I know what you're thinking.

New home, thin walls but no,

they use a special insulation on these walls.

Don't take my word for it. Listen to this.

You are probably thinking that the walls are thin

but if I go next door, I'll show you.

# My mind's telling me no

# But my body, my body is telling me yes. #

No, it's not OK to flirt with my friend!

# Baby, I don't want to hurt nobody. #

No, I don't believe you were out with your friends.

You were at a strip club. I found the receipt.

# But there is something that I must confess. #

You couldn't hear a thing, could you?

APPLAUSE

Thank you to Melvin and Rochelle for playing

Melvin And Rochelle The Challenges.

David, why have you been sweating over naked selfies?

I follow lots of hot people and Instagram

because I like to feel bad about myself

but what I get really annoyed about is boys that take a selfie

but obviously they spent a lot of time putting it together

and they have got a new scarf and they do that thing where they put

their hand behind the head and then have nothing else but the scarf on.

"Oh, look at my new scarf, guys." Just say, "I'm feeling slutty."

Just do it. That's all you need to do.

-I've got a selfie like that I'd like to show you guys.

-Really?

I took this one to find out what people

thought of my pants on Twitter.

-Tamara, what do you think?

-I love them.

-Are you into them? Yeah.

Totally into that. Are you into that?

You sent me the one without the pants after, didn't you?

It's time now for our next round, Grimmy Examinates.

-Is "examinates" a word?

-It is now.

It is now. Now I've said it on telly, it must be a word.

Anyway, this is the round where we really examinate

and get to the heart of one particular sweat.

Now recently, I have been sweating over that moment

when you bump into someone and they know YOUR name,

but for the life of you, you have no idea what their name is.

So awkward. Tamara, does that happen to you?

Ever been to a party and they're like,

-"Tamara!" And you're like...

-Yes.

And I think the best way to deal with it is just to say,

-"I've got such a bad memory, can you remind me of your name?"

-Just say it.

-Just be honest.

-That's good, that's brave.

I just go for a stab in the dark. So I'll just go, "Hello...Peter."

Oh, no!

So this sweat is basically forgetting people's names.

Now, in order to test this sweat I've come up with a very special

end of series game.

Now, Melvin, all series me and Rochelle have had to sit here...

-Mm-hm.

-..and we've had to listen to you talk and talk and talk

-about girls and...

-I know.

-..making sweet love.

Or as he says - "I was making sweet, sweet love."

So as a nice little surprise,

I have secretly found four women who you have been recently

romantically texting or dating

and we're going to play a little game with them. You're welcome.

So, bring on the girls!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, ladies!

Anything you would like to say to these lovely ladies?

Hello, good evening.

OK. Now, Melvin, the game we're going to play is very simple.

For every girl you correctly write the first name of

on the panel in front of them, you will win a point.

Melvin, get your dirty little ass over there.

APPLAUSE

OK, Melvin, walk along the line from left to right,

and write down their names.

-I'm just going to write them down.

-JOE: Nigel!

-OK, next one.

-Hello. Hi...

-This is real. 100% real.

-Is it, like, counting?

-So if we just start shouting out names...

-How are you?

"Blond?"

Wow!

-I think...

-MORGAN: "C?"

It's Sandy from Grease.

So, let's start with lovely girl number one.

Melvin thinks you're called Sarah. Is he right or is he wrong?

Let's see.

-Sarah!

-BELL DINGS

APPLAUSE

Sarah, can you tell us how you know Melvin?

I was one of his promotional dancers in Preston

and he asked for my number.

Oh! Well, actually, we have some of the messages exchanged...

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-Really?

-JOE: This is the best!

..between Melvin and Sarah.

Let's have a look at one of those conversations right now.

Melvin's in grey.

And then Sarah replied...

Which is quite ironic considering this game.

Marvin not Melvin. And then Marvin AKA Melvin replies...

Doesn't say, "I'm not called Marvin." And then Sarah replies...

-Why?!

-And then...

Sorry, then Marvin replies...

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Was Sarah worth waiting for?

-Yes, definitely.

-Yes?

Lovely girl number two, hello. Melvin thinks you're called Meg.

Let's see if you're right.

-Ooh, Mikayla!

-It was with an "M".

-BUZZER

No. Mikayla, how do you know Melvin?

Well, I met you in a nightclub in Chester

and I got very rudely dragged away by your security. So I told you

on Twitter and he messaged me asking why I was trying to speak to him.

Let's have a look at those messages!

LAUGHTER

So, Melvin says...

-Which, to be fair, is true. You're very cute, Mikayla.

-Thank you.

Then Mikayla replies...

Then, Melvin replies...

LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

-You do not want to travel.

-Come to you.

-Mikayla, anything you'd like to say to Melvin before we move on?

-Shame.

-Shame on you.

-Oh, wow.

OK, onto lovely lady number three, Melvin thinks you're called "C?"

What are you called?

-BUZZER

-Ooh.

-HAYE: Not even close!

-Not even close.

Ella, how do you know Melvin?

I met Melvin in a club in Bristol and he messaged me on Twitter

and remembered me as the tall, blonde girl with blue shoes.

So, blonde wasn't that far off, I guess.

OK. let's move onto our final lovely lady.

Melvin thinks you're called Bianca. You are indeed called...

-Bianca!

-BELL DINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-A point for your team, Melvin.

-Oh, God!

-I don't even want a point!

-Bianca, how do you know Melvin?

-Just through social networking and stuff.

-OK.

Melvin, is there anything you'd like to say to the four lovely ladies?

-I'm sorry.

-What are you sorry for? What?

LAUGHTER

What are you sorry for?

-We saw the messages, there's nothing to be sorry about.

-Yeah.

-You seemed very charming.

-You didn't say anything disrespectful.

That's true, I'm not sorry.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm glad you've all come down to London...

and I'll see you in my dressing room.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much Sarah, Mikayla, Ella and Bianca!

Thank you for playing Grimmy Examinates, everybody.

What was that walk at the end? "I'll see you later."

LAUGHTER

OK, so, I am quite sad, actually, very sad to announce that this

is the end of the show and the end of the series.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Aw, shit.

Melvin and Rochelle, are you ready to find out who is

the overall winner of Sweat the Small Stuff - Series Three?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Are you ready for this?

OK, well, before we find out who has won,

please welcome one of our favourite sweat boxers from this series,

-rapping on the series three winner trophy...

-Oh, my God.

DJ MC Keen, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Busy-busy Busy-busy lady

# Oh, busy-busy Busy-busy lady... #

HE RAPS

# Busy-busy Busy-busy lady

# Oh, busy-busy Busy-busy lady... #

HE RAPS

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DJ MC Keen, everybody.

-Oh, yeah!

-Wow, thank you. OK, everyone come out to the front

cos this is quite an important moment.

It's time for me to announce who is lucky enough

to take this trophy home with them in a cab tonight.

Will it be Rochelle and her team, or will it be Melvin and his team?

This is the winner of Sweat the Small Stuff - Series Three.

Let's get our tense on, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I can reveal that the overall winner...

Ah, shit. ..Of series three...

is...

It's Melvin's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "We Are The Champions" by Queen

A big thank you to Rochelle, David and David.

Melvin, Tamara and Joe.

This has been Sweat the Small Stuff.

I've been Nick Grimshaw, you've been beautiful.

I'm going to leave you with DJ MC Keen and Busy Lady.

Good night, everybody! Bye.

CHEERING

# Busy-busy Busy-busy lady

# Oh, busy-busy Busy-busy lady... #

HE RAPS

# You are a busy-busy Busy-busy lady

# Oh, busy-busy Busy-busy lady... #

HE RAPS

CHEERING