Episode 7 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language

Hello.

Hi. I'm Nick Grimshaw.

Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the panel show all about those little annoyances in life,

cos life's little annoyances really are worth sweating over.

This week, I've been sweating about bizarre celebrity punch-ups.

Jay-Z got beaten up by Beyonce's sister Solange.

-Did everybody see this?

-ALL: Yes.

What is going on?

No TV show has been allowed to show a photo of this,

but we have managed to be the first TV show in the world...

-Ooh!

-Yeah. ..to be allowed to.

Check this out cos this cost a fortune. 25 grand this.

There it is.

Apparently Solange is now going to remix one of her sister's tracks,

it's going to be called Crazy In Lift.

-AUDIENCE:

-Wahey!

-I did a joke, Fern.

-So good. You should do more of those.

I know, I will.

If I saw her get in a lift I'd be all like

# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh... #

Seriously, getting beaten up in a lift -

that is humiliating on every level.

Boom!

Let's get on with the show and meet the teams.

First up, it's the beautiful Rochelle Humes' team.

Rochelle, who's on your team?

On my team I have stand-up comedian and star of Uncle - it's Nick Helm.

CHEERING

And star of Outnumbered, it's the brilliant Tyger Drew-Honey.

CHEERING

Next up, over here, we have my miniature friend Melvin O'Doom.

Who is on your team?

On my team, I have stand-up comedian Rhys James.

CHEERING

And my favourite Radio 1 DJ - give it up for Fearne Cotton.

Did you hear that?!

CHEERING

Thank you, darling.

Did everyone hear that?

We all heard it, Fearne, Shut up!

Fearne, you are fast becoming, I think, a national treasure.

Oh, God.

-You've been presenting for half your life.

-Yup.

So when did you start? 26?

LAUGHTER

-Disney Club...

-15, you wanker.

It's so weird seeing you all smart and professional.

I was just saying that, cos we see each other every morning.

I see you in your pyjamas, you're drunk, you've got a hat on...

-Been drunk twice.

-You look so...professional.

This is what it looks like after ten.

-It's really weird.

-What's it like pre-ten?

It's not great, is it?

Pre-ten, it's the homeless version of yourself.

Were you there when the Queen came?

No, I was pregnant or having a baby - I missed it.

-She didn't like me.

-You did it wrong.

-Yeah.

-This story went around Radio 1 like wildfire.

I basically did this. I stood up...

-You be the Queen.

-Ooh, OK.

You are the queen of broadcasting, why not the country?!

So, you're the Queen. She's quite short yeah.

We're all stood here and they're like,

"You're going to meet the Queen, don't speak to the Queen, she'll speak to you."

So I stood there...

-She didn't speak to me.

-Did she do that?

No, nothing, just didn't speak to me.

It was going on for a little bit and I said, "You all right?"

LAUGHTER

And she's like, "Off with his head."

And she just literally did this face to me.

LAUGHTER

Tyger Drew-Honey is here, everybody!

-Hello.

-All right, mate.

For seven years you were in the brilliant Outnumbered,

which was a hugely-loved show.

Everybody loved that show.

Was it strange growing up on such a popular TV show?

It's weird thinking that it would have been anything other than

normal, cos I have no other experience.

It is weird sometimes when I flick on the TV and I see a chubby,

young, high-pitched version of myself.

Tyger, your dad has a slightly unusual job, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's a plumber.

Yeah. He really plumb.

He plumbs it hard.

He is, of course, the very famous porn star Ben Dover.

There's Ben.

That's my pretend name if ever we stay in a hotel.

Ben Dover?!

That's my name.

Try Eileen - Eileen Dover.

Oh!

He's appeared in over 500 porn films.

Have you seen all of them, Melvin?

Have you seen a film with his dad in?

I've seen about three.

Your dad's a legend.

Did you know when you were little what he did?

When I was about four or five, we'd have Pascal

and Charmaine coming over for Christmas dinner,

and they'd be porn stars, friends of my parents and they'd buy me

the nicest presents and Mummy and Daddy would say...

Can I come to your house for Christmas?

"This is Charmaine, Pascal, they make kissy-kiss films.

Daddy sometimes has a special hug with Charmaine and this is that."

It was a very warm upbringing and they did that and...

Very warm.

Nick Helm is here, everybody!

CHEERING

Hi, Nick Helm.

You've got a brand-new TV show called

Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment.

-I do.

-Wow! Look at that.

Why's that woman crying on the left?

She's crying out of joy.

She's privileged to be in this room with this amazing entertainer.

I think that she probably thought that she was out of the shot,

to be honest.

You're known as being quite a shouty man on stage in the world of comedy,

so as you are quite shouty, do you get a lot off your chest?

-Are you a guy that does sweat the small stuff?

-Yeah.

It's cathartic, cos you bottle it up and you get onstage

and you just shout about it and get it off your chest.

And then people come up afterwards and they're disappointed that

I don't shout in their faces and stuff.

If I did that in real life, I'd get beaten up!

Rhys Jones is here, everybody!

CHEERING

-Hi, Rhys, how are you?

-Hi.

According to the Telegraph, no less,

you are the 18th-funniest person on Twitter.

-Yeah.

-That is pretty big.

CHEERING

18th is shit. What's 18th?

I mean, it's top 20 - where are you guys?

I've heard that you are a big poetry fan,

and I believe you've prepared some poetry for us to enjoy.

This is a poem...

I've written a poem about one of the panel.

I won't say who it is, you can guess who it is from what it's saying.

This is good!

This is the poem, it's called "Rochelle".

LAUGHTER

Rochelle from The Saturdays,

but also from my heart.

Let me take you to a matinee, or, like, to the park.

You married Marvin from JLS, which is

how I conclude that JLS is just "jealous" with the vowels removed.

Say yes and it'll get overwhelming, and if not,

I'll have to settle for Melvin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's get on with the show. It is time for the round where we go out

and about and meet the Great British public.

This week, we're going to play Fairly Famous Faces.

-I love this one.

-This is really good!

This is a game that someone will tell you

they look like a celebrity, but they look nothing like them.

Rhys, who is it you get told you look like?

I get told I look like Nicholas Hoult.

-THEY ALL SHOUT OUT

-All right.

-You do. You do.

Let's have a look see if there's a resemblance between you and Nicholas Hoult.

-There is, isn't there.

-Look! Oh, my God, it's weird.

But I get heckled with it in the street.

People say it like it's an insult, but he's a Hollywood

-actor that's going out with Jennifer Lawrence.

-Exactly!

Do you have an equally-hot Jennifer Lawrence-lookalike girlfriend?

Eh... It's a very difficult question to answer,

cos I do have a girlfriend and I don't want to say the answer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's play Fairly Famous Faces.

Rochelle's team, you get to go first.

Take a look at the first one.

Hi, my name's Jake and the celebrity I think I look like is...

Who do you think that Jake thinks he looks like?

James Corden.

I don't think he looks anything like James Corden.

You could rate him higher than that,

you could say he looks like James Marsden or Brad Pitt.

James Marsden!

I think you were right, Tyger, I think James Corden.

-I reckon that's what he thinks anyway.

-You reckon Corden?

-I think so.

-Let's find out of they're right.

..James Corden.

James Corden.

-APPLAUSE

-You can vaguely see it.

-I get it.

-I was thinking of someone completely different

to James Corden, sorry.

Who?

He looks exactly like him!

Let's have a look, Melvin's team.

Hi, I'm Derek and the celebrity I think I look like is...

-Fearne:

-Melvin!

LAUGHTER

Melvin, what do you reckon?

This could be your number one fan, right there.

Did they just not have enough people to do it and they asked you?

I don't even think I count as a celebrity anyway.

-You do now.

-Yes, you do - you're on the telly.

This is this show's biggest fan and he's gone,

"This is my moment to profess my love for Melv."

I reckon you, or he's going to say...Ainsley Harriott.

I think that he will think he's a bit of a cook in the kitchen

and a bit of an Ainsley.

-Yeah.

-They're saying Ainsley Harriott.

Let's find out of you're right.

..Melvin O'Doom.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Melvin, can you see yourself in Derek? Not literally.

Not inside of him.

He's a good-looking guy. He's a good-looking guy.

It's like looking into the future for you.

That's what I'm going to look like.

Rochelle's team, this one's for you.

Hi, my name's Aiden and the celebrity I think I look like is...

I reckon he probably thinks he looks like Bradley Cooper.

Oh, yes! That is a good shout.

-He doesn't really.

-With a beard.

-I can see Example in there.

That what I just said - Example.

I think he looks really like Example.

-Let's go - who did you say? TYGER:

-I said Bradley Cooper.

-OK.

-He looks like Melvin.

They're saying Bradley Cooper.

..Zac Efron.

CRIES OF DISBELIEF

He could have had Bradley Cooper and he got greedy.

OK, Melvin's team, this one's for you.

Hi, I'm Ronald and the celebrity I think I look like is...

A vision in turquoise, but who does Ronald think he looks like?

-He looks like Chris Langfield.

-Who's Chris Langfield?

A guy I went to school with - looks just like him.

Going on what we've seen so far, he could say Beyonce, who knows?

Do you want to go with Beyonce, Fearne?

It's worth a shot.

I'd rather try Chris Langfield if we are going to...

I think it is actually him.

-Chris Langfield, your friend from school.

-Not friend.

-Not friend.

-LAUGHTER

Chris Langfield, someone Rhys knew from school.

..Michael Buble.

LAUGHTER

ROCHELLE: No way!

No way.

I thought he was going to say Wayne Rooney.

He does look like Wayne Rooney.

Thank you to the people of Great Britain for playing

Fairly Famous Faces.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nick Helm, what have you been sweating about, please?

Erm, I hate people that like the film Sliding Doors.

They're dicks!

They're dicks!

Sliding Doors is one of the worst films -

every time you go round a girl's house

and she's got a copy of Sliding Doors, you just know it's a

worthless relationship and it's not worth pursuing.

If you haven't seen it, it's a film where Gwyneth Paltrow, half the film

she catches a tube and the other half she doesn't catch a tube.

It's as good as it sounds.

I met a girl once and she said that her two favourite films were

Sliding Doors and Armageddon.

It's like, "You better have only seen two fucking films!"

Have you watched it?

I've seen it. I don't think it offends me that much.

-I think I probably quite like it.

-Don't say that on telly!

-It makes you look like a dick.

-That's fine.

You've proved it, Fearne.

LAUGHTER

What were you thinking?!

Oh, my God!

I'm not Gwyneth Paltrow!

I just quite like it.

Imagine if Nick met Gwyneth Paltrow!

How angry he'd be!

She's all right.

It's time now for Rochelle and Melvin - The Challenges,

where I challenge our team captains to take a small sweat

out into the streets and right into the public's faces!

This week's sweat is all about bad table manners -

when you go for dinner with people

and they think it's perfectly acceptable to burp

and chew with their mouths open, and it's horrible.

So I sent Rochelle and Melvin out to have lunch with a friend

and basically, just behave disgusting.

-You set up your fellow Saturday Vanessa.

-Mm-hm.

Does she think you're insane now?

She did that day, yeah.

Was she just happy with a free meal though?

"Ooh, it's nice this."

Let's find out who won in Rochelle and Melvin - The Challenges.

If there's one thing my mum taught me, it's good table manners.

This one's going to be tough -

how can I compete with a man who's

only just learned how to use a knife and fork?

See that finger? It's my thumb straight up in your bum.

Task number one - rudely summon your waiter...

and complain as many times as you can about your starter.

This bread's a big soggy, you know.

Excuse me, my breads a bit soggy.

And it tastes a bit stale as well.

Can we get a new bit, please?

-What's the face for?

-It's weird, that is.

-That's not how it's supposed to taste.

-Yeah, it is.

Excuse me, um... this really doesn't taste right.

-Sorry, what's that on the top of it?

-It's cheese.

Oh, I don't like that type of cheese.

Looks stale.

Do you mind swapping that bread as well cos it's stale?

Sorry, thank you.

It's like water broth.

This is really watery.

That tastes like your chef was trained in McDonald's or something.

-That looks good.

-Hmm! A bit green.

-Babe, it's spinach soup.

I know, but you know what I mean, though.

-Everything OK?

-Actually, I don't really like it.

-OK.

-Sorry.

Tell the chef probably to revise the soups a bit.

-I don't really like it.

-You don't like it?

Yeah, it's just a really funny texture.

"During your main course...

"Display as many different kinds of bad table manners as you can."

Oh, God!

So you don't feel bad about it, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

MELVIN SPITS

Sorry, I caught it. I caught it. Sorry.

-Stop smelling your fucking armpits.

-Can you smell me?

Sorry...I just farted.

It's fallen on my lap. I'm not supposed to spit it in there.

BURP! Excuse me.

Please tell me you're not looking at your teeth in a knife.

MUFFLED: I'd quite like to have a little brother.

-Oh, my God! Look at that.

-Oh, my God!

BURP!

APPLAUSE

You were so good.

Well done, a point to Melvin's team.

CHEERING

Now, Tyger Drew Honey, when we knew you were coming on the TV show,

we made an amazing game based shamelessly solely on your name

and nothing else.

Let's play Tyger Drew What? Come on.

It's a very good game.

Tyger Drew What? Your name is Tyger Drew Honey.

Yeah, OK, get ready.

And in Tyger Drew What?, we're going to get you to draw something

and they're going to guess what Tyger drew.

-OK, first one we want you to draw, Tyger, is this one, please.

-Oh!

-Are you ready?

-OK.

-OK.

-Honey?

-A box, there we go.

-Red box with squares in it.

-House.

No, no.

Oh, this looks confusing.

-A man by a tree.

-A man.

-A man.

-A man and...

-A lift.

-And then you've got another man.

Solange and Jay Z having a fight.

Boom! Fearne Cotton, absolutely correct.

-I said a lift.

-Yes, but we needed specific,

and not just lift.

-Well done.

-This is bullshit!

OK, OK, next one. Let's do this one.

-Oh! Current topic.

-Current topic.

-Oh!

Keep guessing, guys. What do we think this could be?

TNT right there. There's a woman.

Come on, have a little guess. Any ideas?

-Melvin?

-Is that the new season of 24?

-The new season of 24, it is not.

-No.

-It's not that. Rhys, any ideas what this could be?

Is it one of your dad's films? It's not a sexy dad film?

-Nearly was, though, nearly was.

-Nearly was.

Right, let me go M, T, W, T, F, S...

I even don't know what he's drawing now.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...

-The Saturdays are ending.

-Don't even!

Yes, Fearne Cotton!

No, we are not.

END-OF-TIME BUZZER

Good work, Tyger. Thanks for playing Tyger Drew What?

-I like that game.

-Yes, that was good.

Rhys, why have you been stressing about fancy dress?

-Surely this is a joy?

-No, worst thing in the world.

"Fancy dress" is the two-word phrase that I dread the most,

after "it's yours".

It comes top of the list after that,

because it's not just the whole stress of trying to find

an outfit that says, like, "I value this social event,

"I've made an effort but I am employed and have stuff to do,"

it's also the stuff you see when you get there.

Last fancy dress party I went to, I saw Frodo Baggins

getting off with the Honey monster while a rabbi filmed it.

It's not even actual fancy dress if an actual rabbi...

it was a Bar Mitzvah, it was weird.

I saw a stag do, recently, I wasn't part of it, I just saw them

out and I got talking to 'em which I advise you never to do.

There was, like, 10 of them

and nine of them were all in their work stuff cos they had come out

in their suits, but one of them was dressed head to toe as a tiger

and I said, "Hello, Tiger, I presume you're the stag,"

and he went, "No."

And I said, "What's happened here, mate?"

And he looked at his mates in their suits, then look back at himself

and then just looked at me and went, "Misjudged it."

OK, let's move onto the next round.

It's time for the sweatbox where you get to actually help

members of this very audience.

They're going to go into the sweatbox, they'll tell you what

they've been sweating about recently

and you've got to do your best to help them out with advice.

Whichever team they decide has given them

the most help will win the points.

So who's first in the sweatbox tonight?

-Hi, guys, my name is Alysia.

-Hi, Alysia, what is your sweat?

Well, my sweat is basically that I'm really not very cool.

I've got the personality of an 82-year-old man

and my fashion sense extends to leggings, leggings and more leggings.

I need a bit more help to be more swaggerliscious.

-How can I look more cool?

-Oh, swaggerliscious!

The word for tonight is swaggerliscious!

-Fearne?

-Yeah.

-You're famously known for being a cool woman.

I relate to your first comment,

I am an old person in a sort of younger person's body.

I do love a quiet, peaceful life, Grimmy.

What sort of quiet, peaceful things do you do like old people do?

-Do you do a bit of gardening?

-I don't mind a bit...

That's happened recently since I past 30.

I'll potter in the garden, sure.

Even pottering just generally is an old person thing to do.

Because we're on BBC Three,

can you say something really young to counteract that?

-I fucking love pottering, man.

-Yeah!

-Hashtag pottering.

-Hashtag pottering.

Rhys, what do you think is the thing that you do that is

most like an old person?

Er, sometimes I wee sitting down as a treat.

Fearne, do you have any advice for her?

-What could she do about this problem?

-I think just be you.

Who cares what your mates think? Be an old person, it's awesome.

Hang out with some OAPs and you'll feel real young.

-Yes, then you'll look so hip.

-And you're quite fit, so it's all right.

-Whose advice are you going to go for?

-Rochelle's team.

Rochelle's team.

Right, who is next in the sweatbox tonight?

-Hiya, Grimmy, it's Carl.

-Carl!

Hi, Carl! Carl, I know you from the radio.

-You come on and play Showquizness.

-Yes, I've been on for ages.

This is Carl off the radio, Fearne.

-Oh, hi! Oh, yes, we've chatted, haven't we?

-Yeah...no, we haven't.

-Great.

-I'd have remembered it, I'd have remembered it.

-No, he's a Breakfast fan.

-Oh, right.

Now, anyway, Carl, what is your sweat? What is going wrong?

I've been dreaming that a massive floating whale has woke me up,

I'm serious, he's told me to save a goat named Graham

and then I turn round and it's all a ruse and he's eating me.

-It's all a ruse.

-What do you reckon it's about?

-Wow! Tyger?

I reckon if... Do you know what?

If you just went to a pet shop and bought a goat

and called it Graham, then every time this dream happened,

you could just wake up and then you wouldn't have that despair of,

"Oh, shit, where's Graham? Oh, here he is."

-That's a good idea.

-Then you'd be fine.

-Nick, do you have any advice for Carl?

-Yes, just stop sleeping.

Two great pieces of advice.

Any other pieces of advice of what he could do?

Are you eating vast quantities of Brie before bed?

I've been asked this, but no. No cheese before bed.

Right, OK, just got being mental, then, I'd say.

Carl, whose advice are you going to take tonight?

It's going to have to be Rochelle's team.

Rochelle's team, they get the point.

Thank you, Carl.

-Right, who is next in the sweatbox?

-Hiya, I'm Jaack.

-ALL: Hi, Jaack.

-Jaack, you been on this series before.

-I have.

You were the man who came on whose sweat

was that you have weird Harry Potter hobbies, yeah?

-Yes, I guess you could call it that.

-You also spell Jaack with two As,

-like, Ja-ack!

-No, it's just Jaack, it's just spelt with two As.

-Why?

Basically, when I was in my secondary school,

there was about 20 people in my year that were called Jaack,

-and it used to get confused on the register, so I changed it.

-But it's still Jaack?

So...it was only different for the teacher?

No, because then I would come first on the register,

because there was two As.

Oh, my God, that's brilliant!

Why didn't you change it to Jack 1?

-Because, like, no-one has a number in their name.

-No-one's got two As.

Jaack, what is your sweat?

Basically, I'm going on holiday with my best friend

and we're going to Xanthe, what happens if one of us pulls?

Does she get the room? Do I get the room? Do I have to leave?

Yeah, cos if she pulls,

should she get the room or should she go elsewhere?

I'm not about standing in the hallway for two hours.

Two hours?

If you pull, you go. If you pull, you go somewhere.

As soon as you pull, you should rush back to the hotel room

and then lock the door and just leave a little can of drink

and a sandwich outside, so that your mate's all right for the night

and then get on with your shit.

Rhys, any advice from wild lads' holidays of yesteryear?

You've come to the wrong guy, but...

Jaack, and I've pronounced that with one A,

I hope that's all right, Jaack, I know how you feel, like,

I'm sure if you asked nicely, she'd wait outside for three minutes.

It's not an issue.

But this happens to me all the time. Last holiday I went on,

I was constantly being kicked out of the room by my roommate,

so they could have sex and in the end I had to sit them down

and be like, "Mum, Dad, this is getting ridiculous."

Fearne, say you're on holiday with Holly Willoughby,

one of you wants to make sweet, sweet love to a partner.

Holly's had a few tequilas, what's the deal? What do we do?

Sure, right, so Holly is obviously the one that's got lucky

-and I'm in the cupboard?

-Yes.

So, yeah, it's awkward, but, erm, I guess you got to let them

have their fun, haven't you?

And just be gracious and go and find a hobby into Xanthe.

Whose advice are you going to go for, Jaack?

Rochelle didn't really say anything

so I'm going to have to go with Melvin.

That was the final round. Thank you, sweatboxer.

So it's the end of the show, which means it is time for me

to announce who the winner is tonight.

-OK, it's all very tense now.

-Are we holding hands?

-It's so tense.

-How tense is this?

-It's pretty tense.

Not as tense as Melvin and the trousers he's wearing

when he saw Fearne earlier on, but still quite tense.

But, ladies and gentlemen,

I can reveal that the winners of tonight's show are...

HEART BEAT PULSES

..Melvin's team!

Thanks to Rochelle, Rhys, Tyger, Fearne, Melvin and Nick.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff,

I've been Nick Grimshaw, you've all been very beautiful.

Good night. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE