Episode 6 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hi! Hello, everyone.

I'm Nick Grimshaw. Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the panel show all about those little annoyances in life,

because life's little annoyances really are worth sweating over,

so that's what we're going to do. This week,

I have been sweating about people hating on my bish, Miley Cyrus.

Everyone's been so anti-Miley Cyrus this week.

Here she is in one of her stage outfits

that everyone went crazy about.

Look. There she is.

I mean, that is a yeast infection

waiting to happen.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

But who needs a purse? I mean, that's quite...

handy to keep all your notes on you.

I can only guess where she keeps all her loose change.

In a massive fanny...pack.

Fanny pack. It's what Americans call bum bags.

Dirty minds.

She did amazingly, though, considering she's just got out of

hospital. She has been very poorly.

Apparently, she was being treated for a serious condition inherited from her dad -

an achy breaky heart.

-Oh...

-That is...

-Oh, come on, Rita Ora!

# My achy breaky heart... #

-That's right.

-HE MUMBLES:

-# I just don't... #

Right, we're going to get on with the show and meet the teams.

First up, we have the gorgeous Rochelle Humes, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have comedian Romesh Ranganathan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Also, it's Example!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next, we have my pocket-sized pal, Melvin Odoom, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On my team, we have finally got Elis James!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I have global superstar -

can't believe she's sat next to me right now -

give it up for Rita Ora!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, we're going to start by finding out our team captains.

Our beautiful Rochelle.

It was nice to see you performing at Eurovision. I loved that.

You looked amazing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I love you!

-Melvin Odoom, how are you?

-I'm fine, thank you.

-Have you had a nice week?

-Yes, it's been all right.

Now, Rita, I want you to know that in this series,

-Melvin can be quite grabby.

-That's all right.

I wanted you to know that I've taken precautions,

so I've gone to the trouble of finding this...

The net, right?

-And he does fit in that as well, doesn't he?

-Yeah, big time.

This is how we carry him home at the end...

Tip him out like that.

But if you give me the nod -

at any point, if it's getting too much, you just give me a nod,

and I'll net him...

-And you can run to Example, or Romesh.

-And the arms.

-The danger's been neutralised.

-Keep him like that for now, I think.

-OK.

-Yeah, yeah. I think he's all right.

It's times like this I really miss Chris Moyles.

I mean, he was a broadcaster.

OK, let's get to know your team-mates this week.

Global megastar Rita Ora is in the place, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-How are you?

-That was such a nice introduction.

You're a global megastar, which means you're famous in America.

You're signed to Jay-Z's record label.

You have had three consecutive number ones.

You had a debut album that's gone to number one.

Do you ever go for your tea at Jay-Z's house, with Beyonce?

Yeah, I guess so, yeah. I mean, what do you do with your friends?

-Would you go for tea?

-Yeah, I do go for tea.

-Yeah.

Many moons ago, when we first met, you came into Radio 1,

-and we made a deal, right?

-Yeah.

You said, "If you introduce me to Kate Moss,

"I will introduce you to Jay-Z."

-OK, OK...

-Eh-eh!

Eh-eh! Are you friends with Kate Moss now?

Yeah.

-OK.

-Well, I don't know.

-OK, have I had my tea with Jay-Z?

Have I fuck!

Listen, if you...

If you weren't doing a morning show every single day

and had a life, a social life, then you could have come to America

with me, because I can't bring him to your radio station.

Now, you've got a new song out called I Will Never Let You Down.

LAUGHTER

-There it is. That is what it looks like.

-He's doing a...

I Will Never Let You Down - brackets - Probably Will.

Sorry! Sorry!

Example, welcome back to Sweat The Small Stuff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Again.

-Again! It's good to have you back.

-Thanks, man.

We liked you on last time.

And I read, Example, that you're going on a 100-date world tour.

It's just non-stop gigs. It's not that I'm on a private jet. It's not that kind of tour.

-Not like...

-Nah, not like Rita.

You've got a new album out.

Album five is out in June.

Album five!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the album's called Live Life Living.

We have a picture of it here.

I was in the pool for about an hour and we took about 100 shots

to try to get it, because

every time you got up to float, you start sinking down,

so nearly every photo we got, I'm spitting water out...

Now, Example, I don't like to drag this up and drag up the past,

but we do need to talk about... There's a bit of an elephant

in the room. Last time you came on the show, you talked about

the fact that you and Rochelle...

Maybe you'd tweeted something, there was bad blood...

Was there someone in the Saturdays who really didn't like me?

Me.

LAUGHTER

-Basically, he slagged them off on Twitter.

-Yeah.

-I said something about their songs sounding...

-Like a dog shit salad.

Yeah.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Let's not dwell on the past. Leave this behind.

Elis James, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. How are you?

Very good.

-You do a morning radio show, on XFM.

-Yes.

-And XFM play...

They're obsessed with, you know, male guitar bands.

Why is it that you hate Rita Ora and everything that she stands for?

No, she's very nice.

Now, this is a weird sentence,

-but you were once mistaken for Harry Styles's girlfriend.

-Yeah.

-How and why?

-Because...

My name is Elis James, and he was spotted on a date with a girl

whose name is very similar to mine.

She was called Ellie James - E-L-I, I'm E-L-I-S...

So Heat magazine papped the couple, they broke the story online,

it became this sort of internet viral phenomena overnight,

so then when I woke up the next morning

and checked my Twitter, I was subjected to a barrage of abuse!

"You broke my heart last night," and I was like, "What? I just...

"I just had a risotto, what are you talking about?"

The second was like, "Are you going to look beautiful on your wedding day?"

I was like, "I'll have a shave and a haircut."

So I said on Twitter, for a bit of fun, I said,

"I'd like to announce that Harry Styles and I are very much in love."

"Newsflash - I can confirm that he makes love in more than

"ONE DIRECTION."

Yeah. APPLAUSE

And Romesh Ranganathan, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff!

CHEERING

Now, you are a regular on Channel 4's

Stand Up For The Week, where you do something topical that happened that week.

-Yeah.

-Anything you've been sweating over that's slightly topical this week?

I'm pissed off about the big issue that

people are making about chicken, halal chicken.

-Yes.

-People get pissed off about, "Oh, I'm worried about the animals

"being killed in a certain way." Just get upset about the fact...

If you are eating meat, you can't complain about how it was killed.

The cheeseburger is the ultimate fuck you to the cow. Isn't it?

"We're going to take milk from your teat, ferment it into cheese,

"and then we're going to use that to flavour your own body.

"We'll probably wash it down with a milkshake," you're taking the piss!

OK, let's get on with the show and it's time for the round where we

go out and about to meet the great British public.

Please welcome, The Quiff of Grimmy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's amazing.

-It's good, right?

-Really good. DJ Fresh?

-Yes, big up.

This week we hit the streets with a particular sweat

that's been troubling Melvin recently. What is that sweat, Melvin?

-I was about to make sweet love to this young lady...

-Ahhh!

Me and Rochelle don't like sweet love.

OK. OK, so I was about to do this young lady.

That's what I'm talking about, yeah!

-And she asked me to dress up like a fireman.

-What?

I thought it was quite weird, so I didn't do it, but should I have done it?

So you've been sweating about,

"Should I have dressed up as a fireman?"

Yeah, because it's quite expensive to hire out the suit, firstly...

How long are you going to have it on for?

Exactly, you can't find them easily, you can't go to, like, the petrol station.

You could just go to a kids' shop and get one of those fancy dresses.

Early Learning Centre.

-Rita, have you ever done role-play?

-I mean, this is what I always think.

When you have a partner, and you are with that partner,

-you've got to do what they want to satisfy that partner.

-OK.

-And they should do the same to you.

-Melvin, calm down.

-She's a good woman!

-I mean, you just...

We're going to put Melvin's sweat to the test,

-we want to get to the bottom of this.

-Yeah.

This week we went out and asked people, genuinely, in the street, a very casual question -

"Hey, have you ever tried role-play during sex?"

-Melvin's team, you get to go first.

-OK.

My name is Jefferson

and I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Have you ever tried role-play during sex?

HE GIGGLES

-Yeah, he is the definition of sex.

-You reckon, yeah?

You open up a dictionary and he's there, literally.

-The shirt undone, the moustache...

-RITA: Yeah, yeah.

I think he'd done it about five minutes before that clip was filming.

It was the laugh, like, "Hah! Course!"

"Hah! I only do role-play.

"For I am a man."

Let's see if you are right.

-Yes.

-What was it?

HE LAUGHS

The most recent one was a straight beach boy.

LAUGHTER

Straight beach boy. He pretended to be a straight beach boy.

If he's ever convincingly played a straight person,

he should have won an Oscar.

Rochelle's team, this next one's for you.

Hi, my name is Sarah

and I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Have you ever tried role-play during sex?

LAUGHTER

-For sure.

-You think, yeah?

-Filthy.

-She looks a little bit like "busted."

-For sure.

-She looked up to the right.

-She definitely did, didn't she?

Like, "Oops, do they know?"

-She looked like she was just enjoying it in her head there.

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah!

-So you're going yes?

-Yes.

-They say yes straightaway.

Yeah! SHE LAUGHS

What was it?

Um... Nurse/doctor, I think.

Um... Cartoon characters sometimes.

Cartoon characters.

-What cartoon character?

-Cartoon characters.

Next time that girl asks you to dress up, you should be a cartoon character.

Rastamouse.

She'll be well up for it.

APPLAUSE

Melvin's team, this next one is for you guys.

Hi, my name's Max and I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Have you ever tried role-play during sex?

-He's serious. He is serious.

-Melvin.

I think his role-play involves computers and dragons.

Do you reckon?

-He goes deep with it.

-You reckon?

I think he looks quite normal, though, I think he could be...

-I don't think he looks a confident enough actor.

-Yes.

I think he'd be like, "Hello! I'm...here...to...mend...your...

"washing machine.

"I like your nightie."

"I've got a hard-on now."

Do you reckon he does the role-play in sexy time, though?

-All right, we'll say no.

-They're saying no.

-Yes.

-What was it?

Lord Of The Rings.

-AUDIENCE SQUEALS

-Yes!

Lord Of The Rings.

RITA: Goblin? Definitely goblin.

Who was lord of whose ring?

Oh, yeah.

-What would you be in The Lord Of The Rings? That little...

-Gollum.

Gollum.

Oh, my God, I'm so horny for Gollum.

He'd just grab the knob and be like, "My precious!"

It'd be weird though, cos he's bipolar, innit?

-Yeah, one minute he'd be up for it...

-He's got these two people and it's like,

"Master wants the cocks, doesn't he?"

And he would just be like switching it up and then he goes, like, evil

and then nice, and then he's like doing you from behind, and then...

After he's finished having sex with you,

an eagle just comes in and takes him off.

Thank you to the people of Great Britain for

playing On The Quiff of Grimmy!

Bye, quiff.

APPLAUSE

Rita, not only a huge pop star, you are now being an actress.

-You're going to be in 50 Shades Of Grey.

-Oh, yes...yeah.

-That's really big, isn't it?

-AUDIENCE WHOOP

How was it to film this, cos this is going to be a huge film!

It's really good, actually and I hope

all the fellas that haven't seen the book will go and watch the film,

-cos it's not just for girls.

-Seen the book?

LAUGHTER

Pop-up, just see Christian Grey's D just boom!

LAUGHTER

I've not read it but how dirty is it?

My mum screamed in the night and I was like,

"Mum, why did you scream in the night?"

She said, "There was a bug under my bed!"

I was like, "Yeah, right!"

-Mum!

-My dad came out sweating like a...

ROCHELLE SHRIEKS

LAUGHTER

"What is going on!?"

"There was a bug in my vagina!"

LAUGHTER

Right, time now for Rochelle and Melvin,

The Challenges!

This is where, each week, I pit our team captains

against each other, they have to take a small sweat out,

onto the streets and into the public spaces.

This week's sweat is all about awkward conversations that

you have with hairdressers.

The standard, "Are you going anywhere nice on your holiday?"

That kind of drivel.

So, I sent Rochelle and Melvin out to find out what would happen

when they became those annoying hairdressers.

Let's find out who won. This is Rochelle and Melvin, The Challenges!

A hairdressing challenge? Melvin's bald!

LAUGHTER

Yes, I do have a bald head and yes,

I haven't been to a hairdresser since the naughties.

I've spent more time in hairdressers than I have with my own family,

to be honest.

But I've got hair in other places, like my eyebrows, my face,

my chest and my balls!

LAUGHTER

OK, be negative about your client five times.

Easy!

I've noticed a, kind of, home-made look to your hair,

have you been cutting it yourself?

No.

-I found a tiny little grey.

-Don't!

-What area are you from?

-Brixton.

-Where?

-Brixton.

Oh, ooof, I would not step a foot in there.

My mum still won't even let me go into Brixton.

LAUGHTER

I'll just give it a couple of washes, just to be sure.

It's just so thick and it is a bit dirty too.

Where did you get your outfit from?

Cos I'm going shopping with my grandma

and she needs some new clothes.

LAUGHTER

Your outfit's good, where did you get that from?

-I dyed these jeans myself.

-You dyed them?!

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, I can tell you did them yourself, actually.

-So, what's the fancy dress party that you're going to today?

-Pardon?

The fancy dress party?

-You're not going to fancy dress?

-No.

So, are they your normal clothes?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Sorry, I thought I saw something moving then.

-Moving?

And how often do you moisturise?

-Loads.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You need to moisturise a little bit more.

-Do you sleep with a face mask?

-No.

Do it!

You know, you've got a bit of a familiar face,

you look a bit like my brother.

He's like you,

he doesn't care about his hair or what he wears or anything.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you for playing, Melvin and Rochelle, The Challenges.

APPLAUSE

Romesh, you have got your third child on the way.

Congratulations, Romesh.

APPLAUSE

That's almost like too many kids...three!

The thing is, I don't actually know

if I want a third child.

I know it's gotten late in the day.

I'll tell you why, it's

because our first two children are boys that look like my wife,

which means that our third is most likely to be a girl that looks

a lot like an Asian Rolf Harris.

LAUGHTER

I don't want a daughter, like, at 40 years old,

we can't get her married off.

I don't want to create...

LAUGHTER

I don't want to create a cat lady.

Do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER

Now, as we all know,

we have two of the planet's biggest pop stars on the show tonight.

We have Example and we have Rita Ora.

-Sorry, Rochelle.

-That's OK.

-LAUGHTER

But I want to find out which one of these big pop stars is

the most rock'n'roll.

To decide, let me introduce you to...The Rockometer!

Holy shit, man!

APPLAUSE

That is good, right?

It's good!

The Rockometer is a physical representation of just how

rock'n'roll you and Example are.

At the bottom of the Rockometer is Gareth Malone.

The top end you will see Ozzy Osbourne.

The first one to reach the top of the Rockometer wins a bonus

point for their team.

So, this is serious shit!

RITA: I'd better win!

First up, have you ever trashed a hotel room, Example?

Yeah.

-Rita Ora?

-Yeah.

Yeah, OK, let's move you both up there.

What did you do to this hotel room?

-Well...

-Did you take a shit in the sink?

No, but I did do it in the bin.

-Moving you back down then...in where?

-In the bin.

In the bin? We're moving you back up there.

Only because it was the only... SHE LAUGHS

I'll tell you what, it wasn't a shit, it was a wee, OK.

Because my friend was in the toilet being sick because she was

really drunk and I really had to wee, so I weed in the bin.

Is it one of those bins that's got holes in it?

LAUGHTER

Have you ever slept with a groupie?

# These hoes ain't loyal...#

Erm, no.

-No? You?

-Loads.

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Have you ever got off with a model, say, Cara Delevingne?

Yeah.

Rock'n'roll, man!

You're married to one, aren't you?

Miss Australia, it's different.

-Yeah, come on, up there, up there.

-All right, we'll move you up one.

Have you ever had a poo at Jay-Z's house?

Yeah!

Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

-Big time!

-You didn't go in his bin, did you?

LAUGHTER

Have you ever snogged a celebrity?

I've snogged Calvin Harris.

No, you have not.

-Have you?

-No.

Is that what that connection was in Ibiza?

-Yeah, I have.

-Come on, who?

No, I'm not saying, I can't say.

-You only get the point if you say who.

-Come on, whisper.

No, cos she was married.

Oooooh! Was it Lorraine Kelly?

You, apart from Calvin Harris?

Pfff...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't want to bring them

back into the world, cos they're not relevant!

Oh, wow! Bitch got burnt.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever hade sex with more than one person in one day?

No!

He's rock'n'roll, Example!

-No.

-No.

-I think, three in one day.

-No way!

-Up again.

-Holy shit!

-At the same time?

No...erm...no.

Oh! That electric guitar sound means it's the end of the game.

Example, you are so rock'n'roll!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Let's move on to the next round.

It's time for the Sweat Box

where we get you to help members of this audience.

They will go into the Sweat Box. They'll tell you

what they've been sweating about.

You've got to do your best to help them out with advice.

Whichever team they decide has given them the most help

will win the points.

-Who is first in the Sweat Box?

-I'm Owen. This is my mum, Helen.

Hi, Owen. Hi, Helen. Hi.

-What is your sweat, please?

-Whenever we go out

everybody mistakes us for a lesbian couple.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

APPLAUSE

This is a good one. Owen, how old are you and how old is your mum?

I'm 20 and my mum is 47.

So there's a 27-year age gap. You're both a different gender.

You're related yet people are convinced

you are lesbian lovers?

Yeah. I'm six foot odd and I've got size 14 feet.

What a show off.

What advice have you got for Owen and his mum?

-Do you guys go out together a lot?

-Yeah.

-Quite a bit.

Just stop going out together.

No, not like that!

Do you go to lesbian bars together?

-No!

-First of all it's about the location. Where are you guys going?

-We just go to the theatre a lot.

-Aw! I love my mum.

-Elis?

-I'd embrace it.

If you went out with your mum,

you'd get your clothes washed...

She's not going to charge you any rent.

-You're saying he should go out with his mother...

-Yeah.

..in a romantic, lesbian relationship?

It's frowned upon in most cultures.

The key word is most and not all.

In Wales, fine.

What would you do over here?

First of all, Owen, you have got incredible hair.

I'm all about the hair, to be honest.

It's really good.

But it is a tiny bit lesbiany.

I think you look like a successful magician.

You've got a choice here. You can either...

It depends how attached you are to the hairstyle.

You can either...de-lesbos it

or...

just from now on, when you're out with your mum,

you pretend that you've forgotten to do your flies up

and swing low, sweet chariot.

Whose advice are you going to go for?

They are saying get your dick out.

Elis is saying, go for it - date your mum in a lesbian...

-Owen?

-I think we should go for Rochelle.

Rochelle's team, you get the point.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I love them!

Who's next in the Sweat Box?

Hiya. My name's Ryan. I'm 22.

ALL: Hi, Ryan.

What is your sweat, Ryan?

-I've been getting botox for the past couple of years...

-What?!

-Yeah! Don't sound so shocked!

-You're a baby!

My next step, I want cheek fillers, lip fillers and veneers but

my parents are saying don't... Do I go against my mum

or do I go with what I want?

Do you know what I've done?

I've got in touch with a plastic surgeon.

I've got him to mock up how you might look

and this actually cost us five grand to mock up.

-This is exactly what you'll look like.

-Let's see.

What the hell? They're Ryland's teeth

and somebody looks like they've had a shit on my face.

I think you look amazing. Rita, what do you think?

I don't think you need it.

I'm not discriminating -

I think it's genius but there's a time and a place.

You're smiling without one wrinkle.

-That's cos I've had botox!

-Try and frown.

Oh, my God.

Elis, any advice?

You don't need it. You don't need botox when you're 22.

-I go on the sun beds that much...

-Why don't you have...

Why don't you go for the spray tan and not the sun bed?

No. They smell like biscuits.

Do you never get it when you walk past somebody in ASDA

and they're there in their track suit and you walk past and...

-"Ooh, they stink!"

-That's cos you're in the biscuit aisle.

The thing I'd say to you is it's only three years ago I was white

and...

..I asked for one coat too many

and I had to change my name to Ranganathan...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Or hang around with ugly people and you'll be the good-looking one.

Yeah, but my friends aren't ugly. I just feel the ugly one.

ALL: Aw!

Just do it.

Whose advice are you going to take?

-Can I take both of them?

-No.

I'll just take Rita's.

A point for both teams. Whatever.

APPLAUSE

That was the final round. Thank you, Sweat Boxers!

APPLAUSE

It's the end of the show, which means

it is time for me to announce who the winner is

of Sweat The Small Stuff.

HEARTBEAT THROBS

I'm feeling tense right now.

Anyone would think that I actually cared.

This is almost as tense... when Rochelle...

RITA CHANTS

Are you possessed?

The winners of tonight's show are...

It's Rochelle's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A big thank you to Rochelle, Romesh and Example,

Melvin, Rita and Elis.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw,

you've been beautiful, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE