Episode 5 Sweat the Small Stuff

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hi. Hello.

I'm Nick Grimshaw and welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the panel show all about those little annoyances in life.

Because life's little annoyances are sometimes worth sweating over

so we made a telly show about it.

This week, I have been sweating about the terrifying passage of time.

Have you seen this week that Posh Spice has turned 40 years old?

She is a grown-up.

40, which is, coincidentally, where her last single charted.

So happy birthday. 40, one year for every calorie she has ever consumed.

She is now at an age where zig-a-zig-ah

is just the sound she makes when she sits down.

"Oh, zig-a-zig-ah."

All right, let's get on with the show.

First up, it's the go just Rochelle Humes' team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On my team, I have top Canadian comedian, it's Bobby Mair.

And the gorgeous Grammy-award-winning star, it's Foxes.

-Hi, Foxes.

-Hello.

-Next, he's my fun-size friend, Melvin O'Doom.

Who is on your team, Melvin?

On my team, I have comedian and star of Sherlock, Yasmine Akram

and I have The Voice presenter and pop star

and he's my mate as well, Marvin Humes.

CHEERING

-Yes, I made it.

-Look at how sexy this team is.

Is so sexy and then it's so sexy over...here.

Oh, the hotties and the troll.

Bring out the troll!

-Rochelle, how are you this week?

-Good, thank you, how are you?

I'm very good. I'm so impressed by how beautiful your face is.

You know how long I spent in hair and make-up so...

She has to move here for the series.

Why are you laughing loud, Marv?

LAUGHTER

-He's like, "I wake up next to that bitch."

-It's true.

Marvin, of course, is your actual husband.

-Melvin, I guess, is your TV husband.

-Yes.

-Who do you prefer?

Melvin, you and Marvin, like, you are mates in real life,

you hang out.

Is this going to be a distraction or is this going to make

-the team stronger?

-I think it is going to really confuse Rochelle.

She won't know what to do.

Two sexy hot guys on this team, she won't know what to do with herself.

And you went to the stag do, of course, Marvin's stag.

-No, I didn't go to the stag do.

-No...

-Yeah, you did.

He did go to the stag. We've got a photo of you on the stag.

LAUGHTER

It looks like a little Cee Lo Green.

Are you wearing a Cuban heel in that? You look tall.

Were going to get to know your team-mates.

Let's say hello to Foxes.

APPLAUSE

-Hi, Foxes.

-Hello.

-You are a bloody successful women.

-You have won a Grammy. Where is the Grammy now?

-It's in the post.

-Still?

I'm not even kidding.

-Are you sure you've not just lost this?

-No, imagine.

I feel like it will be brilliant if it got the wrong address

and someone got it and they are opening it and they are just like...

There's probably no-one else called Foxes, though.

-It's not going to be confusing.

-It would just be like... "I'm going to have it."

Do you have a new single out?

-I do.

-It's called Holding On To Heaven.

What is Holding On To Heaven about?

It's really about the relationship we have with ourselves which...

-It's deep.

-I always do that. I always have a relationship with myself.

Constantly.

If I wrote it, it would be called, like, Teary Masturbation.

-Marvin Humes, welcome to the show. How are you?

-I'm great, I'm good.

Exciting you are doing the telly with us.

Obviously, I watch the show every week. I'm a big fan, obviously.

-Thank you, Marvin.

-So it's good to be here.

-Congratulations on The Voice, by the way.

-Thank you very much.

-That was incredible. That was major. There you are.

-It's huge.

How did you find it? Was it scary or easy for you?

At the beginning, it was scary because it was a big gig

but I had my TV wife, Emma, alongside me

and she is a pro so she made it easier for me.

Do you prefer her a bit to Rochelle?

-Rochelle likes her as well so it's all good.

-I love Emma, I do, I do.

So I can get away with saying my TV wife, it's cool.

Do people in the street ever meet you and go,

"Oh, my God, Marvin. Hi, Rochelle. Marvin!"

Everyone is generally quite nice

but you don't have to live with him so that's up to you.

How'd you think I feel when I go to a Saturdays concert?

What, and there is, like, gay guys?

There's no-one alpha male at The Saturdays concert.

So you are going to be, very soon, the sole breadwinner in your family

because Saturdays are splitting up.

-Oh, Grimmy, you want to start something every time!

-They are.

-Greatest hits tour, greatest hits album, see you later.

-No, we're not?

Bye, Vanessa.

See ya, Deborah whatever you're called.

Oh, no, Grimmy!

Bye, Sue.

Yasmine Akram, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-I'm not too bad.

It's great to have you here because not only are you a very talented comedian

-but you're also in Sherlock which...

-Yes. CHEERING

-Yes! Sherlock was huge.

-Yes.

Did you ever sweat over being on such a big show?

Yes, I did because it was...

We filmed in April and then we had a big period of time

before it goes out and then I kind of...

When I was allowed to tell people I told them but then I got confused

because I thought I wasn't in it.

I thought maybe I had made it up and I was only in two scenes

so then before it came out people were like,

"Are you excited about Sherlock?" And I was like,

"You are excited about Sherlock! I don't even care.

"I'm not even watching it."

And then when it went out, I was like, "Oh, I am in it. That's good."

-I'll put it on me CV, then.

-Definitely in it.

-Now, you had to do some kissing with Benedict Cumberbatch.

-I did, yeah.

That is a very extreme close-up. Is he a good kisser?

-Lovely, yeah, yeah.

-Can you show me how to do an on-screen kiss?

-You want me to do it on you?

-Yeah, shall we do it here?

CHEERING

So this one is no tongues.

We're going to do no tongues but you have to pretend that you fancy me.

-OK. I mean, I'm into it.

-OK, so it would be like... I don't know why I've done this.

-Do I hold the elbows?

-Oh, you're really going to do it?

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

WHISTLING

WHOOPING

Yay!

Grimmy, you're so macho.

-That was good, wasn't it?

-Quite excited about that.

Melvin was SO jealous.

LAUGHTER

I thought for a second you were going to be... Cos you said

you could kiss someone, I was like, "Call me up, Coach!"

This is the time!

Would you like to...

-I...

-CHEERING

APPLAUSE

No... I meant her. I didn't mean...

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING

It was so open!

You can't START open!

-He started open, Yasmine.

-You don't know anything, Bobby...

And it was open like this...

LAUGHTER

I was nervous!

It was a high-pressure situation, I'm not a porn star!

LAUGHTER

OK, let's go on with the show, it is

the return of The Quiff of Grimmy, everybody!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Here he is...

This week we hit the streets with a particular sweat that's been troubling Melvin recently -

what is that, Melvin?

Erm, when I get a bit frisky with a young female...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God!

-Sorry, go on.

..basically I don't know whether to throw in any dirty talk or not.

I don't know what to say.

And then the things that I DO think about,

they feel like they're too rude to say, so...

So what would you...

Oh, I say some stuff like,

"I'm going to make you so moist, like a..."

LAUGHTER

No, Melvin...

He's clapping. He loves it.

Stop.

Marvin and Rochelle, do you ever talk when you're...

Oh, my gosh...

-Move on, then. Erm...

-LAUGHTER

Do you have a safe word?

-Erm... Yeah.

-Do you?!

A safe word? I don't know what a safe word is, I'm sorry...

What's a safe word?

If things go too dark. Or...

then you have to say...

yell something out which means we're stopping the sex now.

Oh, no, I don't have that.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no...!

Well, we're going to put Melvin's sweat to the test.

We filmed some members of the public, and we genuinely asked them this...

"Hey - have you ever talked dirty during sex?"

Melvin's team, you go first. Have a look at this person.

Hi, I'm Katie, I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Do you talk dirty during sex?

LAUGHTER

She looks like a sex doll.

YASMINE: She totally does, look at that face.

I don't know, cos I think she looks quite sweet.

She's quite angelic, but then the eyes say "goer".

LAUGHTER

-So we're going to say yes, do you think yes?

-Yeah, totally.

Let's find out if you're right.

Oh, God, no! No, never, no.

She's a nice girl, see? Told ya.

Next one is for you guys.

Hi, I'm Jas, and I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Do you talk dirty during sex?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, she's got sex hair.

My hair always goes red after sex.

-LAUGHTER

-Embarrassed!

I think she looks familiar, I think I might know her.

She looks like my kind of lady!

Shall we say yes? I think we should say yes.

You're saying yes? They're saying that Jas does...

Yes.

What do you say?

Erm..."harder"

and "faster".

LAUGHTER

-I really hope she says it like that.

-PRIM VOICE:

-"Harder."

-LAUGHTER

-"And faster! Come on."

Melvin's team, next one for you.

My name is Robin Wight,

and on The Quiff of Grimmy I promise to tell the truth.

Do you talk dirty during sex?

-YASMINE: He invented talking dirty.

-D'you think?

Talking dirty originated with that man.

-So you're saying that Robin invented...

-He did.

I think Robin might have invented sex.

LAUGHTER

I think that's like a glimpse into my future.

If he doesn't talk dirty I'd be surprised.

-I think yes, guys, what do you think?

-OTHERS:

-Yes.

OK. They're saying yes.

No, but my wife does.

What does she say?

She talks about all sorts of fantasies that I can only dream about.

And it's great.

Yeah! Robin.

APPLAUSE

Rochelle's team, this one's for you.

Hi, I'm Meg, and I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Do you talk dirty during sex?

-Foxes, what do you think?

-She's got that Jane Eyre

essence about her, hasn't she?

And if she did talk dirty it would be so beautiful.

-Yeah. Like, you could say it to your mum and dad.

-Yeah.

I love her.

-Shall we go no?

-Yeah.

OK, they think no. Let's see if you're right.

Not particularly.

I prefer to be spoken dirty to!

LAUGHTER

What would someone say to you?

Erm... Compliments are always nice.

Usually on my arse.

LAUGHTER

And, yeah, just be told that I'm a bad girl is pretty great as well.

So good. I love her!

I like her...

-Can I...

-No, you can't do anything. Just relax.

-Can I have the...

-No, no, no...

Just a copy of her tape, that's all.

LAUGHTER

Melvin's team, next one for you.

My name's Carl, and I swear on The Quiff of Grimmy to tell the truth.

Do you talk dirty during sex?

100% yes! Definitely.

I know that guy!

LAUGHTER

-How do you know him?

-He's my brother! Only joking.

Let's find out.

Hell, yeah. LAUGHTER

What do you say?

Erm...

Do you like it?

HE SNORTS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dirty laugh, man.

-A dirty laugh, isn't it?

-That's absolutely ruined it now.

That's part of it. "Do you like it?"

HE SNORTS

Thank you to the people of Great Britain for playing

On the Quiff of Grimmy!

APPLAUSE

We saw photos in the paper of you

-on JB's stag-do.

-Yes.

Wahey, lads!

-How was it?

-It was amazing.

We saw you all hanging out by the pool with your JLS pals.

-Yes.

-Was it nice to see them?

It was really good.

We finished on December 22nd last year

so it was the first time the four of us were together socially...

Is it true that Aston now makes a living

by selling flowers at traffic lights?

LAUGHTER

I'm only joking!

He's doing all right. He's working on his music.

I saw him the other day. He delivered my Ocado.

LAUGHTER

That is so crass!

Time now for Rochelle and Melvin at The Challenges.

This is where each week

I challenge our team captains

to take a small sweat out into the streets and into the public spaces.

This week's sweat is about patience,

but this week is a little different, wasn't it, Melvin?

-Yes.

-Yes. Wasn't it, Rochelle?

-Yeah.

-Because this week,

Rochelle and Melvin were the ones having the trick played on them.

So I sent them off to film a fake challenge.

When they got to the filming location they were told to ask

for Tommy, the director,

and wait in reception, and then we just watched,

to find out who would wait for the longest.

Marvin, how do you think Rochelle will do in a challenge

about patience?

She's got zero patience.

Let's find out who won - probably Melvin -

in Rochelle and Melvin - The Challenges.

-Can I take your name, please?

-Melvin O'Doom.

-Hi.

-Can I take your name?

Yeah, it's Rochelle.

Take a seat, I'll let him know.

-Is it here to see Tommy?

-Yeah.

As Rochelle and Melvin's

waiting begins,

I have lined up the world's most annoying receptionist

-to keep them company.

-Hello.

Right. I'm at work.

I've got one of Little Mix in reception.

LAUGHTER

18 minutes in now.

Does Tom know if I'm here yet?

Sorry, I forgot to let him know. Hang on, I'll do it now.

He didn't know before?

No, sorry, I forgot to tell him! I'll tell him.

Do you have the masseur for about 5:30?

Yes, can you tell her that.

I don't know what I'm doing, I'm sat here. OK.

26 minutes in and Rochelle begins to crack.

I'm not in Little Mix by the way.

-Oh, God, sorry!

-That's all right. I'm in a group.

-I'm in The Saturdays, but I'm not in Little Mix.

-Oh, my God.

I bought tickets to see you. Like, a few years ago. Right.

-Down in Brighton.

-Oh lovely, yes.

-Then it got cancelled in the end.

-What got cancelled?

-The concert.

-No.

-They give you a refund, though.

-What's that?

-When it gets cancelled, they give you a refund.

-Oh, yeah.

They give you the money back and everything.

-It's all well organised and everything.

-Yeah.

But not like on trains like, and time of work...

LAUGHTER

49 minutes in and I tell the receptionist to

move their friendship up a notch.

-Are you on Twitter?

-Yeah.

-What's like your, like, handle?

-#RochelleTheSats.

-Will you follow me back if I follow you?

-What, are you doing it now?

Yeah. If I follow you, will you follow me back?

LAUGHTER

They've now been waiting an hour and two minutes.

Just sat there for an hour.

Can I just get a photo with you?

Could I have a selfie with you?

Yeah, is that all right?

LAUGHTER

Ah. Brilliant. Thank you so much.

Hi, have you got your phone?

I'm sending you a photo of me with Rochelle from The Saturdays.

I know! You can save it as your photo on your phone!

Melvin's about to get a little surprise.

-You know that selfie we took.

-Yeah.

-I just sent it to my sister and she knows you.

-What's your sister's name?

-Jess. I'll call her.

-Do you have a picture?

She looks like me but she's a brunette.

Oh, my God. What and then nothing?

She wasn't very happy to receive your picture. Put it that way.

-She said you went on a date with her.

-Erm...

-She just said that like I didn't call her or something?

-Mmm.

I just don't think you should treat women like that.

Erm...

I don't think I want to talk about it any more.

Uh-oh, Melvin!

-I'm just going to go next door and have something to eat.

-OK.

-He's got my number just ask him to call me.

-OK, I'll let him know.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

And Melvin is out of there.

If you and Melvin had a competition to see who was more

patient between you and him. Who do you think would win?

-Him, I'd say.

-You're definitely more patient.

-Really?

-This whole thing has been a setup.

Oh!

SHE SQUEALS

It's so horrible!

Ah, soz, guys!

So the point goes to Rochelle's team.

CHEERING

-Foxes, why have you been sweating about blinking?

-Oh, no!

Blinking. It sounds really bad.

But if you think about the fact that we have to blink on a day-to-day basis.

-Now I'm aware of it.

-See, this is what happens.

You start getting aware of it and you're like, "I'm blinking."

-I'm doing another blink.

-I know what you mean.

I get the same thing with breathing. I feel like I breathe too heavy.

-I have that. I don't breathe.

-We are in bed.

I can hear him breathing and I am like, "We're not going the same."

LAUGHTER

Blinking, walking, breathing and yawning.

If you think about walking, you lose the ability to walk? That's amazing!

You may be my favourite person that has ever been on this show!

OK, it is time for Love Court.

This is the round where we help couples with a petty partner

problem and it is the teams' job to defend the side that I give them.

It is time for you to start addressing me as Judge Grimmy,

as I pop this on. This is my little judgey, capey thing.

I have got this wig. It has got a quiff on it, look.

LAUGHTER

Time now to meet our extra special case.

Please welcome Rochelle and Marvin to the dock, everybody.

APPLAUSE

Can we have your full names stated to the court, please?

-Rochelle Humes.

-That is not your full name.

-Don't do that!

-It is going to be a good one.

-Don't be nasty.

It's definitely not your full name.

-I married you, I know your full name.

-I don't want to say it.

-Full name.

-You say it then.

Rochelle Eulah Eileen Humes.

-Eulah Eileen?

-Before you say anything, it is her grandparents.

So don't cuss.

They are beautiful names, a point for your team, Rochelle.

-Marvin, full name.

-Marvin Humes.

-No!

LAUGHTER

-Marvin Richard James Humes.

-There we go, full names. You are both...

APPLAUSE

Don't clap that! She knows her husband's middle name!

You are both now under oath.

Why are we in the dock today, Rochelle and Marvin?

OK, I work most evenings.

My wife is at home and there are TV shows that come on

and I call her up and say, "Babe, Match Of The Day, Chelsea

"played tonight and I missed the game.

"Record it and I'll watch it when I get in from work."

-I get home from work, it has not been recorded.

-Disrespect.

Not been recorded.

I go on the planner

and she has taped Kardashians instead of Match Of The Day.

He wants to watch Chelsea, whoever she is.

LAUGHTER

Let's kick off with Marvin's team.

You are leading Rochelle's prosecution.

Can you cross-examine the couple now?

-Rochelle, is this just plain getting back at Marvin?

-No.

-Here's the joke, I do do it but I haven't recorded it in HD.

-Yes.

I just don't see the difference between normal and HD.

One is HD and one is not.

-Can I ask you a question? Does he ever miss out on your shows?

-Never.

-That isn't true.

-I get her to tape Sweat The Small Stuff.

-Rochelle, don't you tape this?

-Don't you watch the show?

Yes, I do, but I watch it live, I don't need to tape it.

But it is live.

LAUGHTER

Objection.

Rochelle's team, you are Rochelle's defence.

Any questions to the couple in the court tonight? On Tuesday.

LAUGHTER

I actually feel like, if this is your problem, which is

a tiny, tiny situation, you've got the best marriage ever.

Aw, Foxes!

HE RETCHES

How many times has she not recorded?

-This is a regular occurrence.

-It's not!

-This is at least twice a week.

Oh, my... You're just...

Well, maybe you need to stop avoiding the problems in your

marriage with television and start paying your wife

-some actual attention.

-Yeah!

Maybe you just like to escape and haven't really felt the love

since the baby came.

LAUGHTER

Maybe you want a divorce and don't know how to say it.

LAUGHTER

Your time is up.

Members of the jury, you have heard from both sides.

Have our jury reached a verdict? Whose side are you on?

-Is Rochelle guilty, or not guilty?

-I'm not guilty!

Rochelle, you have been found guilty!

CHEERING

Of the heinous crime of forgetting to record Marvin's programmes,

and I sentence you to let Marvin have control of what is on telly...

-Yes!

-..for six months.

What?!

Thank you. Michelle and Marvin, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that was the final round. Thank you, teams.

And before... Before we go, can we try something out?

Marvin, you come over here with me, and Melvin. Come on. Come over here.

You stand here. You stand there. You stand there.

I just want to try something out. Marvin, if you could put this on...

LAUGHTER

And, Melvin, if you could... put this on.

LAUGHTER

And then...if you could put... these on.

I just want to... Let's see that picture again.

See?

APPLAUSE

I knew it was you!

I knew it was you!

Right, all come and join me up here.

It's the end of the show, which means it is time for me

to announce who the winner is of Sweat The Small Stuff tonight.

It's very tense in here. Foxes is a nervous wreck. She's so nervous.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can exclusively reveal...

that the winners of tonight's show are...

It is bloody Melvin's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations. A big thank you

to Yasmine, Rochelle, Foxes, Marvin, Melvin and Bobby.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff.

I've been Nick Grimshaw. You've been beautiful. Good night. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE