Episode 4 Sweat the Small Stuff

THEME MUSIC

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. Hi. I'm Nick Grimshaw. Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff -

the panel show about those little annoyances in life,

because life's little annoyances really are worth sweating over.

This week, I've been sweating about our society's

elevation of celebrities to god-like status.

Kanye West - have you seen this story?

He has been hailed as the new Messiah in some street art

that portrays him as Jesus Christ.

Here he is. This is Kanye here.

LAUGHTER

And they questioned, "The New Messiah?"

No, just a singer.

I wonder what the real Messiah would make of all that?

Let's just ask him, he's here. Seann, our Lord.

APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

Let's get on with the show. Let's meet the teams.

First up, the lovely Rochelle Humes and her team.

APPLAUSE

On my team, we have Game Of Thrones star Gemma Whelan.

APPLAUSE

And in my opinion, the coolest Radio 1 DJ. It's Scott Mills!

APPLAUSE

And over here, we have the teeny-tiny Melvin Odoom.

Who is on your team this week?

On my team I've got

the award-winning stand-up comedian, Seann Walsh!

APPLAUSE

And the world-famous model, Daisy Lowe.

APPLAUSE

-Rochelle, how are you?

-Very good. How are you?

-Yeah, very good.

-Good.

You recently announced that The Saturdays are going to tour

-in September.

-Yes, we are.

There they are. Where's the other one?

That was when Frankie was off having a baby.

She was having a baby right then, and you're like, "Whatever!

"More camera time for me!"

-What's happening is you're doing a greatest hits album.

-Yes.

This is when you tell me, "How many have you had?" Go on.

That means it's the end, innit? You're splitting up.

Yes, it does!

Greatest hits tour and a greatest hits album, that is like, "See ya!"

-No, it's not.

-Melvin Odoom, how are you?

-We're good, man.

Let's get to know your team-mates.

The very beautiful model Daisy Lowe is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

Thanks. Thanks for having me.

Melvin, how are you feeling about sitting next to this girl?

She is a problem. I'm not going to lie.

When I was standing over there, I could see her from behind.

I was like, "My goodness."

I don't know why your second name rhymes with no,

cos when I look at you I just think, "Yes!"

Oh, no!

Do you ever look in the mirror and be like, "Still got it"?

-No.

-No?!

-If I do sexy shoots, I pretend to be someone else.

-Really?

-Who do you pretend to be? Me?

-You.

-Seann?

How do you do sexy? How do you do it?

You have to have a little bit of a parting in the mouth.

A little bit of a like...

She's a problem.

Daisy, someone told me if you were to look sexy in a photograph,

you're meant to pretend that you're biting into an apple like...

I've never... No, I've never heard that one.

- Next time, mate, Vogue... - I will definitely do that.

-Shall we have a look at you being sexy?

-Yeah!

-No.

-Oh, my God, Rochelle!

Rochelle is horny for Daisy Lowe.

-Yeah!

-She's a problem. She's a problem.

-Look at you,

-getting all sexy with a ladder!

-She's a problem.

-It is a ladder.

-I find ladders so sexy.

It's a French ladder.

Oh....

LAUGHTER

In this next one, you are very, very naked,

so we've covered you up in the most tasteful way

that we could think of.

Oh, my...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Still naked.

I didn't even make that photo, you know? Melvin brought that in.

Gemma Whelan, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

-Hi, Gemma.

-Hi.

Hi, Grimmy.

Gemma, not only are you an amazing comedian

but you are also in Game Of Thrones.

-Yes.

-You play Yara Greyjoy.

-Yes.

Game Of Thrones is massive. It's a huge, huge show.

-Did you know when you were in it, that it was going to be this big?

-No idea.

No idea but, um, I had a moral dilemma on Game Of Thrones.

It was the first day of shooting and I'm eating a load of chicken.

Don't ruin it.

Way back when.

I was too nervous to tell them I was a vegetarian so I was like,

"Do I eat chicken all day or do I tell them? What if I lose the job?

-"Just get on with it." So I ate chicken all day.

-Eurgh!

GROANING

How long had you been a vegetarian?

-Five or six years.

-Wow!

-I was just too nervous.

Is that just like something filthy or is it a moral dilemma? I don't know.

No, chicken's delicious.

You're blessed.

Now, Game Of Thrones - I don't know if you know -

-the most illegally downloaded show in the world in 2013.

-Yes.

Not that we condone this at the BBC at all.

-But that is bloody impressive.

-It is.

Of EVERYTHING on the telly, more people didn't want to pay for that than anything else.

Yes.

Let's take a look at you in Game Of Thrones.

You been at sea long?

Or were there just no women where you came from?

-None like you.

-You don't know what I'm like.

You don't know what you're like.

And you need someone to teach you.

Do you know who I am?

You think I offer free rides to every man in jewellery?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Why is it always about sex on Game Of Thrones?

-Well, isn't everything?

-Yeah.

Seann, doesn't your friend call Game Of Thrones "tits with dragons"?

-Yeah, tits with dragons.

-Tits with dragons.

I'm staying in tonight watching tits and dragons.

See you later, mate.

< Is that your mum?

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Why are you clapping that?! How old are you?!

"Is that your mum?" I've just done a big bloke's deep voice.

"Is that your mum?" "Oh!"

-WOMAN:

-I love you!

-She loves you.

That's my mum.

Scott Mills is here, everybody!

Hello.

Hi, Scott Mills.

What would you say there is to sweat about being on the radio?

Oh, God. Right, so he does the Radio 1 breakfast show, yeah? OK.

So that's fine. We are colleagues on Radio 1.

Don't text my phone to get a shout out on Radio 1.

NO! Really?

I only do it for him. But it's like, "Oh, can I have a shout out?"

"All right then, you weirdo. Fine."

But Scott, you are known for playing the best games on the radio.

-You've got the Homes Under The Hammer game.

-I love that.

The best game ever.

-You've got Innuendo Bingo.

-Yeah.

-Again, best game ever.

Do you know what I mean?

That is a majorly famous game.

What I thought I'd do now, cos it must be a lot of pressure and you must sweat constantly

-over coming up with those games, so I thought I'd pitch some games to you right now.

-OK.

-If you like them, you can have them for the radio.

-Thanks(!)

-Yeah?

We could find the new Innuendo Bingo right here, right now.

OK, can I just say there's not one called Mills On Wheels, is there?

Cos that's what I got called at school. Quite close.

-The first game - Scott Meals.

-Oh.

Um...

There we go, Scott Meals.

In this game, you have to get the listeners to guess what meal you're eating.

It's on at lunchtime.

You eat your lunch and they have to guess what you're

eating by the sound of your munching.

-Not a...

-It is brilliant.

Take a listen. What am I eating? What's in my mouth, Scott Mills?

SLURPING ON RECORDING

Oh...

-Noodles.

-Let's find out if you're right.

BUZZ

It's actually spaghetti.

APPLAUSE

The nation goes wild. You're not feeling Scott Meals, are you?

-Was that spaghetti from a can?

-It was.

-You dirty bastard.

-You're not feeling that, so what about...Scott Feels?

-Oh, God.

It's a game in which listeners guess which object you're feeling...

-Sure.

-..by the sound that your voice makes when you are feeling said object.

-All right, then.

-Let's play Scott Feels.

'Ooh, it's really soft, and sensual, and smooth, and round. And I'd...

'It's like a big Malteser that I just want to eat.

'Mmm, yum-yum, yum-yum.

'Um, yum-yum, yum-yum.'

-Great game.

-Melvin's head! Melvin's head!

-You think Melvin's head?

LAUGHTER

OK, eating Melvin's head.

APPLAUSE

Let's find out if you're right.

Oh, it's really soft, and sensual,

and smooth, and round, and it's like a big Malteser

that I just want to eat.

Um, yum-yum, yum-yum, yum-yum. Um, yum-yum, yum-yum.

-Do you want Scott Feels for your show?

-I'll take that one.

You'll take Scott Feels? Yay!

Right, let's get on with the show.

This round is about a sweat that Seann has had about men

thinking he's a woman from behind.

So, what's happened? People have thought you're actually a woman?

-Well, I've been mistaken for lots of women.

-Yeah.

Sometimes a girl from Outnumbered.

Just spin round. Look over there. Let's...

Oh... That looks... Ooh...

Hang on, let's do it like, "Ooh, that looks like a pretty lady.

"I wonder what she looks like from the front?"

ARGH!

Now, we are going to put this to the test in a game where the teams

have to work out if members of our audience are boys or girls

just by looking at them from behind. It's a very high-brow game.

Right, join me over at Grimfellows to play Is It A Boy Or Is It A Girl?

MUSIC: "Girls & Boys" by Blur

So put your blindfolds on. Please welcome our first boy or girl.

APPLAUSE

There you go.

OK, blindfolds off,

Melvin's team. Do they look like they've just stepped out of a salon,

or just stepped off of...I don't know, a manly day at the man things?

I don't know about that haircut, firstly.

I think a girl would like that haircut.

-You think that's a girl's haircut?

-You think that's a girl? Yeah?

Nice little ears like a pixie.

You see, this is what I'm saying. A girl.

-So, you're saying a girl?

-Yeah.

-You think a girl?

I think definitely a lesbian. Yeah.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

OK, let's find out if you're right.

You're saying "girl".

Seann, I think you should come over and find out.

Is Seann going to get glassed? Let's find out.

I've got this. I'm going to tap. I'm going to tap that.

Excuse me, I was just wondering

if you'd like a nice glass of white wine?

-I'm Kelly and I'm a girl.

-BELL RINGS

Yes!

Oh...

Thank you.

A beautiful girl. A very beautiful girl face.

Oh, I think I've pulled.

-I don't think so.

-No?

-Sit down.

-Back down.

Please welcome our next audience member. Is it a boy or is it a girl?

MUSIC: "Girls & Boys" by Blur

OK, you can take your blindfolds off.

Is it a boy or is it a girl?

Has Ed Sheeran just got back from travelling?

Seriously though, Melvin, you do like to chat up ladies in the bar.

If you saw this head, would you be like,

"I'm going to have sex with them"?

I think you...

I think you guys have stitched me up, cos I know this head.

-You know that head?!

-I know this head, yeah.

-You know this head?

-How do you know this head?

-Oh, my God, that's...

-I met her about a month ago.

-No way!

And she's a surfer, which is why her hair looks like that.

Do you want to do this? You're saying a girl and you know her?

This just tells us something cos you recognise her from behind.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Do you want to find out if it's a boy or a girl?

-I know it's a girl.

OK, then, come and buy her a drink.

-Did you say you've dated her?

-Yeah.

He's dated everyone that ever comes on to the show.

Including me and I didn't like it!

Come on, Melvin, let's find out. Is he right? He's saying it's a girl he's dated.

-Tap dance?

-Let's find out. Is it?

-Tap dance.

-Or will he be slapped in the face?

-Oh, my God!

-It's the look.

-Here we go. Here we go.

Hiya, sexy. Can I get you a drink?

-I'm Luke and I'm a boy.

-BUZZER

No!

Have you got a sister? You don't have a sister?

All right, my mistake. My mistake.

Thank you, Luke, everybody!

CHATTER DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

-Did you really think it was her?

-From the back, she's...

well, he's exactly the same.

-Do you want his number?

-Yeah, just in case.

Um, well done to Melvin's team.

Could you make your way back over there, please? Thank you, guys.

# Dude looked like a lady... #

Thank you for playing Is it A Boy Or Is It A Girl? - a very high-brow game.

Such a good game. OK.

Anything been getting on your nerves recently, Seann,

that you'd like to get off your chest right now?

-Loads of stuff.

-OK. Well, go on, then.

For example, last week on tour, my mate came with my support act

and, out of kindness, I offered to sit in the back of the car.

-Oh, bad move.

-Yeah. For a start, you're no longer a passenger.

I've realised, what happens is, you become the bin.

LAUGHTER That is what happens.

You're sat there and all you get from your mates is,

"Sorry, mate, couldn't put that in the back, could you?"

Kit Kat wrappers, Walkers crisps, sandwiches.

"Yeah, sure. Don't worry about that. Yeah.

"Cheers, mate. No worries. Yeah, thank you. Honestly, don't worry."

You are not part of the conversation any more.

You've got your two mates going, "That's great. We should do that."

With my head in-between the two seats going, "What's that?

-"What's going on? That sounds good."

-That's so true!

-Never getting in the back of a car ever again.

-It's ridiculous.

OK. It's time now for Rochelle and Melvin - The Challenges.

This is where, each week,

I challenge our team captains Rochelle and Melvin

to take a small sweat out into the streets and into the public's faces.

This week's sweat is about those people who always seem to

get their own way using little manipulations,

like complimenting and flirting.

And then, as soon as they have what they want, they're like, "See ya."

Scott, you are a very handsome, attractive, red-blooded male.

Do the...? Do you ever find yourself flirting just to get your way?

-No...

-An upgrade on a plane or something?

-No. I'm not confident enough.

-No?

-No, not at all.

You're never like, "Hi, I'm Scott Mills from BBC Radio 1"?

-Can you imagine? That would be awful.

-Yeah.

-Awful.

-Try it now.

Hi, I'm Scott Mills. Do you know who I am? Awful.

Awful, yeah. It worked. It worked. Erm...

I sent Rochelle and Melvin out to find out what would happen

when they tried to get their own way with complete strangers.

Let's find out who won in Rochelle and Melvin - The Challenges.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

There's no way that Mel's going to beat me

this week cos he's got nothing to manipulate people with.

I am a puppet master of the mind.

He couldn't manipulate himself out of a paper bag.

"Look, I'm Melvin. I'm stuck in a bag. I can't get out."

You know when you get a satsuma

and you want the juice out of that satsuma?

Rochelle is that satsuma and I'm gonna get juicy.

"Task number one. You are a manipulative person."

"Go into a cafe, order a drink and try to get it for free

"by buttering up your waiter with compliments." Oh, God.

-How you doing?

-Good. How are you?

-I'm very good.

You have a great shape, like a little Kim Kardashian.

LAUGHTER

-Wow. You're good at the pouring.

-Thank you very much.

Excuse me, Miss. I just reached into my pocket to try and find my wallet

and I think I've left it at home.

-Are you joking now?

-I'm not joking.

-I left my purse at home.

-OK...

I just thought, you know, someone like you might just let it go

just this once.

I saw the way you were looking at me earlier on as well.

-You gave me the look, didn't you?

-No.

You clearly work out.

A strong guy like you, I thought you would let me.

It's my birthday on Friday.

There's all this tension.

-Is it just me feeling it?

-Yes.

When's my birthday?

MAN ON PHONE: Friday.

OK.

-This glass is for free then.

-OK.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

-Let me have it for free...

-No.

..and let it slide.

-I just told you, I will never do like this.

-OK.

"Task number two. Manipulate a member of the public...

"To help you load your shopping by being sexy."

Sexy? Well, that's my middle name.

HE ROARS

Hey, man! How you doing?

I was wondering if you could help me out for a second?

My bag's really heavy...

It's got some water and I can't...

Would you just give me a hand putting them in the car?

Basically, I've just been working out at the gym...

and my muscles are pretty sore.

-Hey, don't worry.

-Thank you very much.

You look like you work out too.

I don't work out, but I'll help you.

Sorry, I hurt my leg last night table dancing at work.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my goodness. I think I need a Diet Coke break.

Woof!

Your arms must be so strong.

Hmm. Thank you so much. I enjoy watching you work, man.

-Nothing better than a muscly guy.

-SHE GIGGLES

Just up and down, up and down.

Thank you so much.

CHEERING

You take care. Have a good day.

I miss you already, man.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

APPLAUSE

And the point goes to Rochelle's team!

Nice work.

Very nice. That was really so sexy.

What have you learnt from this,

about getting your own way everywhere you go, Rochelle?

I'm good at it.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-"I'm good at it."

Melvin, is this an unusual position for you to be in,

asking men to fill your trunk?

It was all right.

-It's quite nice, actually. He was very helpful.

-Yeah.

I might do it all the time now.

Call me. Er, a round of applause for Rochelle and Melvin.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's move on to the next round.

It's time for the Sweat Box,

where you get to actually help some members of this very audience.

They will tell you what they've been sweating about recently

and you must do your best to help them out with advice.

Whichever team they decide has given them the most help will get a point,

so who is first in the Sweat Box tonight?

-Hi, Grimmy. My name is James and my sweat is the way I walk.

-OK.

So I'm quite awkward, I'm quite tall.

I don't really know how to carry myself that well...

and I'd really like some advice about how to walk "cool".

OK. Well, you've come to the right place.

-It's like this, isn't it?

-Can we see it?

-We need to see this, don't we?

-Yeah.

Can you show us your walk please?

- In front of a supermodel? - Thank you. Don't worry about.

It's just Seann. Whatever.

OK, James, let's see this awkward, weird walk.

Oh, no!

Yeah, come on.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

-I mean...

-Oh, no!

-It's...

-ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

I mean, it is...

-It's something that could definitely be worked on.

-Yeah.

-It's quite weird.

-It's the little steps.

Tiny steps.

You're doing little... You're meant to walk normally, but you're going...

-Oh, don't!

-It's very like Charlie Chaplin.

-Yes, Chaplin.

Daisy, you are a model. You must be able to walk right.

-I end up strutting...

-Come on, let's...

This is a professional walker.

Yeah, but... But this is a girly walk.

I have a girly walk cos you do a bit of, like...

Oh! Oh, that's how you walk.

Look at this. Hello.

-I mean, don't walk like that, James.

-No, cos then that would be...

-Yeah, but that is a good walk.

-DAISY: I think...

SEANN: You know the turn you guys do?

Do you do that in real life? You're sort of walking down the street

and then you go like that.

Oh, no, I've forgot my keys.

DAISY: What? You want me to do it?

You forget your keys. You're walking down the street.

She's just walking. She's popping to Londis.

-Londis! - Oh...

-Oh!

So, James, you should maybe try that.

-Do it... Do it like Daisy.

-ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

MUSIC: "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO

Let's have a catwalk. Go. Go.

You've got to move your arms. Move your arms!

AUDIENCE CLAPS

Really nice. Really nice, James.

Really nice.

APPLAUSE

-I've figured out what it is.

-What advice do we have?

He's quite stiff up top.

-You know what I mean?

-LAUGHTER

He's quite broad, so it's like...

Nothing here is moving. It's like...

-Let your arms go free and breathe a bit.

-Any advice over here?

Firstly, who taught you how to walk in the first place?

-Get your money back.

-No-one teaches him!

-Get your money back!

And I'd say just ride a bike everywhere, then, that way,

-you won't have to walk.

-Whose advice do you want to go for, James?

I have to give it to Melvin's team, mainly

because it's got Daisy Lowe on it.

-OK.

-ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Thank you, James.

-Thank you.

-Thanks, mate.

Right, who is next in the Sweat Box tonight?

Hi, I'm Regan and I'm from Manchester

and my sweat is how horrible southern water is.

It's just disgusting.

Like, water in Manchester just tastes dead nice and fresh,

-and then down south it's just horrible. It's rotten.

-It's horrible!

It's a genuine thing that you hate...

It's genuine. In London, I don't like washing my hair in it,

don't even like having a shower...

If someone offers me a brew, I won't have a brew in London.

It's got to come out of a bottle.

-So there's actually a difference in taste?

-Yeah.

-Wow!

Regan, I want to find out if you genuinely can tell the difference

between northern and southern water.

I should be able to tell just from looking at it.

-No, you will not.

-All right then, we'll put it to the test.

Well, we will, right now. This is that feature.

I got an audience member who was coming from the north today

-and I asked them...

-Did you...?

Asked them to bring some water with them. This is... This is for real.

Here's them filling a bottle with northern water.

-There they are.

-Oh, my God. That is so good.

Bearing in mind they knew this was going on the television,

should have put the flash on cos...you can't see anything.

And put the washing up away.

Stop displaying the Cif like it's an award.

Yeah, I own Cif.

-Hello, Simone. Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi, Simone.

-Hi.

-Don't like each other.

-What?!

This has gone like Jeremy Kyle now.

Simone, do you actually know her?

-Yeah, but I didn't know it was for her.

-Oh, my God!

SHE LAUGHS

But erm... APPLAUSE

Now this is awkward.

What I do have here, this is genuine, we've actually done this,

I have two glasses of water.

This is going to be such great TV. She's going to taste some water.

-You are welcome.

-Which her enemy has brought down.

OK. Brought by her enemy!

One is from the tap here.

One is from the tap up north, brought all the way down for you.

So I want you to see if you can tell a difference,

cos I think this is a made up sweat, OK?

I've never been in here. Move over.

-Do you want to come and take a pew?

-Let's...

-I know already which one...

No, you don't, you weirdo!

That one's from London. That one's from Manchester.

OK. Well, whichever one you think is from the north -

there's a flat cap and there's a southern pork pie hat.

So have a sip...

OK.

And now try that one.

-Which one do you think...?

-London.

-Manchester.

-So you think this is northern,

so we're going to put the northern hat on.

-IN A YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-"Eh, up, and go down pits."

-And then southern hat.

-IN A POSH ACCENT:

-Ooh, sushi.

Sushi and pasta.

-Oh, please be right, otherwise I'll be absolutely fuming.

-Northern...

-Yeah.

-It's from the north.

This is from the south,

which proves you're completely insane about water.

-That's impressive.

-Oh, my God.

-That is so weird.

-That is weird!

Rochelle's team, what can she do about this dilemma?

-She doesn't like water down here.

-Have you put orange squash...?

I don't drink orange squash. I only drink water or alcohol.

LAUGHTER

You could accumulate a resistance to it

by just moving gradually further south.

That's what I'm trying to do.

-Or you could just get a filter.

-Good idea.

-Filter.

-Filter in your shower.

-Clever girl.

-So your options have been put on the table.

-Whose advice are you going to take?

-I've got to go with Rochelle's.

-Rochelle's team, you get the point.

-Yeah.

And that was the final round. Thank you, teams.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

OK. It's the end of the show, which means it is time for me to announce

who the winner is.

HEART BEAT

OK. Wow. It's suddenly got very tense in here.

It's amazing what an extreme close up,

lighting change and a heartbeat sound effect can do.

-Isn't it, Scott Mills?

-Yes, it is.

-Yes, it's very tense in here.

How you feeling, Rochelle?

-Tense up in this bitch.

-It's...

-I can't handle it any more!

-Relax, Seann!

Calm down! Melvin, are you OK?!

-Yes.

-OK, good.

I can reveal that the winners of tonight's show are...

..Rochelle's team!

MUSIC: "One Moment in Time" by Whitney Houston

A bit thank you to Gemma, to Rochelle and to Scott,

Daisy, Melvin and Seann.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw.

You've all been beautiful. Good night, everybody.