Episode 3 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hi, I'm Nick Grimshaw and welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff,

the panel show all about those little annoyances in life.

Because life's little annoyances, they really are worth sweating over,

so we made a TV show all about it.

I have been sweating ever since I heard about

the Punching Above Your Weight Competition. This is so harsh.

This is basically an award which is given to the most mismatched couple,

based purely on their looks.

This is the winning couple.

So, it's essentially saying he's ugly.

-This is a real life competition.

-And they entered themselves?

-Yes!

They won a two week holiday to Greece,

narrowly pipping these two to the post.

Seriously, how did she manage to bag Peter Crouch?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know!

Right, let's meet the teams.

First up, we have the beautiful Rochelle Humes and her team.

CHEERING

On my team I've got a brilliant comedian - Holly Walsh.

And two lovely boys from The Vamps - we've got James and Brad.

And next, is it a man or is he a little mouse on the telly?

It's Melvin O'Doom.

CHEERING

Who's on your team, Melvin O'Doom?

On my team I have a very funny comedian - Lloyd Griffith.

And I can't believe I'm sitting next to her right now.

Give it for the sexy, the beautiful, Abbey Clancy.

Good teams, good teams.

-Melvin O'Doom, how are you?

-Fine, thank you.

What have you been up to this week?

-I've come off Tinder.

-No way!

-Hang on!

Pause the recording.

How are the ladies of the UK going to cope?

-I've still got Instagram and Facebook.

-Oh, you're fine, ladies.

-You didn't complete it?

-No!

Just get to the end. It's like a game.

At the very end you've just got to have sex with a baddie.

It's like, "Oh, fair enough!"

OK, let's get to know your team-mates this week.

Abbey Clancy, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff.

CHEERING

Hi.

We have a picture to show everybody of you modelling the England kit

ahead of the World Cup in Rio.

Here is Abbey doing her thing.

Hello! Can't wait to see Rooney in that!

The theme is Brazilian and if you look closely...it is quite accurate.

Is Peter going to get selected?

We don't know, I don't know anything about football.

-Yeah.

-I don't really like football.

Actually, once I did go to Arsenal V Stoke, who Peter plays for,

and I texted Abbey

because I thought, she'll be here supporting her husband. I was like,

"Are you at the match? I'm here."

And she's like, "No way, I hate football!"

I just think cos me brother's a footballer as well,

so me whole childhood I've been dragged to football matches

and it just reminds me of being cold and wet and bored.

We have genuine heart-throbs here, feel free to scream - Melvin.

We have Brad and James from The Vamps, everybody.

CHEERING

-Hello, The Vamps.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Good.

You're incredibly successful cos your YouTube channel -

I have to look at this - 38.7 million views.

CHEERING

That is mainly from Rochelle, because she is a fan.

-I've told you that before, haven't I?

-She's a right perv.

-Just be careful!

-Don't make me out to be Melvin right now!

-You are!

You're a female Melvin - you're "Felvin."

-You have quite a hardcore following of fans.

-Other than me.

The girls are called The Vampettes, the boys are called The Vampions.

We don't have many of them. I think there's about seven at the moment.

Is there any Vampions here?

OK. You should cash in on some merch for the girls, is what I'm thinking.

The Vampettes could use...Vampons.

-That is brilliant.

-That is awesome.

-For heavy flow.

-JLS have got their condoms.

-Yeah. Would you like a Vampon?

-Yeah.

There you go. One box sold!

-It hasn't got, like, our faces on them?

-No!

-Oh, my God!

-That's disgusting!

-Sorry!

They won't have your face cos then your face would swell!

APPLAUSE

Holly Walsh is here! Welcome to the show!

CHEERING

-How are you doing, Holly Walsh?

-I'm all right.

-You're gigging all over the UK.

-I am, yeah.

Is there much to sweat about when you're on a UK tour as a comedian?

Well, there's probably not as much to sweat about as these guys.

We don't drive around...

Do you have big tour buses, where you, like, drink loads

and make out with girls?

That's what we do all the time.

Do you have a swish tour bus?

-We did for the last tour. It was awesome.

-And then what happened?

And then the tour finished, so we didn't have one.

They don't, like, pop to Costcutter in it.

-Hi, Lloyd Griffith.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-Are you all right?

-I'm all right, mate, thanks for having me.

You're very, very welcome.

When I was here tonight, someone was like, "Oh, Jack Black's on." No!

-Does this happen a lot?

-Yes, every bloody day, mate!

Anyone that's fat and on the TV, I kind of get,

"Oh, he looks like...Jack Black. He looks like James Corden.

"He looks like the Go Compare guy."

The other week someone says, "He looks like Luther Vandross."

He's black and dead! Absolutely not!

Let's have a look how much you look like Jack Black.

LAUGHTER

This might be the weirdest question I've ever asked on telly,

but is it true that you can do a great impression of Sellotape?

Yeah.

I lost my tooth in a fight - food fight - and then since then

I've got this little hole and basically I can do various tapes.

Like, this is sellotape.

HE IMITATES SELLOTAPE

CHEERING

I can do gaffer tape.

HE IMITATES GAFFER TAPE

I can do double-sided.

HE IMITATES DOUBLESIDED TAPE

And...that...that is it.

CHEERING

Let's get on with the show. Now, a brand-new round called Love Court.

Good name.

Which, incidentally, we haven't ripped off from a Channel 5 show.

This is the round where we help couples with their petty partner

problems and it's the team's job to defend the side I give them.

You can call me...

Like Judge Dredd, a bit.

WOLF WHISTLES

-You look like Karl Lagerfeld.

-Do I?

Hello, darling!

No fatties.

No fatties.

I don't know if he speaks like that!

Order, order! Me a drink!

The court is in session.

Please welcome Shakes and Jade to the dock, everybody.

Hello. Please state your full names to the court.

-I'm the lovely Jade Jones.

-Shakes Harris.

Why are you in the dock today?

Basically, he goes into the bath, the shower,

and when he comes out, it's just talcum powder everywhere!

-Talc?!

-Talcum powder. So I can be fresh.

Talcum powder is for babies and old ladies.

And adults who like to keep themselves clean and fresh.

We have some evidence here.

Looks like Nigella's house.

In an allotted time, both teams cross-examine the couple

and put their case forward to the jury, who are our audience.

They will reach their verdict on whether or not Shakes

is guilty of the disgusting crime of getting talc all over the place.

It's sick. I don't want to influence you, though.

Let's kick off with Rochelle's team.

You're leading Shakes' defence. Can you cross-examine the couple now?

So, Jade, I'd like to know what's wrong with your partner

looking after his genitals and making sure they're dry?

Just going to get straight to the point.

Do you think he's talcing his balls?

-What else is he talcing?

-That's what I'm doing.

-That's what he's doing.

-You talc your balls?

-Keep up, keep up!

You're talcing your balls?

Everything that's around here -

balls, bottom, everything - stays dry.

Me and the girls call it a disco willy.

-What's that?

-No-one wants a disco willy. When you've been at the disco

dancing all night and things are a bit sweaty, don't bring it home.

Yeah, exactly! Hence the powder!

So that everything's fresh throughout the whole day.

I wouldn't mind if he just sprinkled a little bit just to keep dry,

but it's everywhere!

I think that you should be grateful that you've got a man

that takes care of himself.

Do you know what? Just get the Hoover out and hoover it up.

APPLAUSE

Girl power with the Spice Girls.

But get the Hoover out for The Saturdays.

Melvin's team, please cross-examine the couple.

-Shakes, do you mind if I call you Shakes?

-Please do.

Yeah, I will do.

-Do you live together, you two?

-We do.

Yeah. How long have you been disrespecting your missus?

Five years.

All right, so you admitted that you disrespect her. OK.

Case closed.

Listen, Shakes, when you go to work,

-is the talcum powder all over the desk?

-No.

So if you can keep the workplace clean,

you can keep the home clean as well.

Yeah, but he's not going to be getting his balls out at work.

LAUGHTER

You do, Melvin, but not everyone gets their balls out at work.

Shakes, you're using talcum powder, which is popular in 1970.

What you need to do is get a hairdryer and some Febreze.

It's 2014. If you want it to be fresh, Febreze, hairdryer, spray it.

Thank you.

Members of the jury, you have heard from both sides.

Whose side are you on?

Please cast your votes, holding up your guilty or not guilty signs.

Ooh!

Shakes, do you know what? You've been found not guilty.

SONG: "Freedom"

You are free to go and talc up your dick

and house for as long as you want.

CHEERING

A point for your team, Rochelle. Well done.

Time to meet our next case.

Please welcome Steven and Chanelle to the dock, everybody.

MUSIC: "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift

Hi.

Why are you in the dock today?

We're in the docks today because I have a serious issue with

the amount of fake tan that Chanelle wears.

OK.

Basically, I'm embarrassed by it,

and I've come to the conclusion of calling her an Oompa Loompa now.

Wow.

OK, cool boyfriend.

Let's have a look and see if she does look like an Oompa Loompa.

-Oh.

-He's maybe got a point.

I think you'll find that actually her shade of tan is called

an Abbey Clancy Seven.

-You like that colour, don't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, she likes that colour.

-Every Scouse girl likes her fake tan.

-Exactly, yeah.

-It's a healthy glow.

-Healthy glow.

-It's very subtle in Liverpool.

-Yeah.

It's darker than Melv's!

Wow.

Just so you know, my dad's black.

LAUGHTER

She actually blends in with the background.

Melvin's team, you are going to be leading Chanelle's defence.

Right, so, Steven, where were you

when you realised that Chanelle was wearing too much fake tan?

Basically cleaned out my towels.

When she showers, comes round, it's everywhere.

I've actually brought it as evidence to show everybody.

Oh, let's have evidence to the court.

Basically, this is what I have to deal with every single day.

Oh!

Steven, that's all well and good, you showing us that.

But that could just be you wiping your shitty arse on that towel.

LAUGHTER

It's definitely fake tan.

I think that Chanelle probably started off

with some light foundation, then moved on to the harder stuff.

It's a gateway drug.

Steven met her with fake tan.

There's nothing wrong with being dark. I'll tell you that.

-Good work, Melvin.

-APPLAUSE

Rochelle's team, you are in the prosecution.

On Steven's side of the argument.

Please cross-examine any questions to the couple now.

So, Miss Chanelle, don't you think that Steven is a healthy colour?

No. He looks ill.

LAUGHTER That's nice!

Maybe if you guys went to B&Q. You know where you've got the paint wall?

You can decide on a colour together and then match.

APPLAUSE

OK, time is up. Order.

I think that the moment we knew that she was guilty was

when we saw the towel. That's very, very good evidence.

I think, as a good compromise, you should tone it down a shade,

or two, or three.

Just go for a healthy creosote.

LAUGHTER

Members of the jury, you have heard from both sides.

Is Chanelle guilty or not guilty? Vote now. Now.

Oh, wow. Order. Order.

Order.

I can see, Chanelle, quite clearly,

that you have been found guilty of wearing too much fake tan.

I sentence you, Chanelle. You have to do this.

You have to not wear any fake tan.

We're going to remove it with a cheese grater.

LAUGHTER

Rochelle, you win a point for your team.

Thank you, Chanelle and Steven, everyone.

OK, Brad from The Vamps, why have you been sweating

over nails and mouths?

It's just the whole picking thing.

It annoys me if I'm sat on a sofa with someone

and then they're picking and their body vibrates a bit.

You can feel the nail tension move up the body.

Then on to the sofa, then it hits me.

Oh, no!

-You should write a song about it.

-LAUGHTER

-I was on a train last week and there was...

-Cool.

-Thank you.

That's it.

Thank you.

Lloyd Griffith, everybody.

Basically, there was a woman biting her boyfriend's nails.

GROANING

There was me and another comedian there.

We were going, "What is going on?" We were looking going,

"What is she going to do with that nail?" She went...

No!

No!

Some people suck the snot out of their baby's mouth.

GROANING

Babies haven't worked out how to go...

SHE SNORTS AND SPITS

If they get the cold you have to...

-Do you do it?

-No, Marv does.

It is time now for Rochelle and Melvin at the challenges.

This is where I challenge the team captains, Rochelle and Melvin,

to take a small sweat out onto streets and into the public's faces.

This week's sweat is all about those kind of awkward moments

when somebody starts making conversation in a public toilet.

-Girls all talk in...

-Yes, but they don't piss together.

-They do!

No, you don't, like, get your fannies out.

Are you and Peter quite open because you are married,

when you're married, can you go to the toilet in front of each other?

No, no, I'm totally against that. I don't like all that.

-Never chat while you shat.

-No!

-Abbey Clancy has actually never pooed.

-Never.

It's like a Malteser once a decade.

Girls who fart in front of their fellas, I think it's horrendous.

I agree, I've been with my husband, we've been together six years,

I've only ever let off three times in front of him.

-That's very respectable.

-Once because I was very ill,

a second time because I tripped on the stairs and it was out of shock,

the third time because he was telling me off in the car and the timing was too perfect.

Let's find out who won in Rochelle and Melvin: The Challenges.

I've got this in the bag. Girls don't even like toilets and germs and stuff

whereas me, I love it.

Melvin might think that I'm concerned about germs and smell and stuff like that,

and he's right. Can I get out of here, please?

I have won this today. Does a bear shit in the woods? No. Because today he's shitting in a public toilet.

Let's do this.

"You are that annoying person who starts chatting in the toilet.

"You have ran out of loo roll and you need help.

"Get a member of the public to give you as much loo paper as you can."

"The person who is given the most paper wins."

Hello? Excuse me, mate.

Hello, can somebody help me, please?

Uh, OK.

I'm really sorry, I've run out of toilet roll in here.

Is there any chance that you could pass me some toilet roll?

Oh, thank you. I'm sorry, you know, I might need a bit more than that.

If anything happens to me, can you call my mum and tell her I love her?

I don't suppose you mind getting me any more?

If my bumhole had lips, it would kiss you right now!

I'm definitely going to need more than that, sorry!

Thanks, mate.

Sorry, you know what? I think I need a little bit more.

Cos I just need to clean my shoes.

Would you mind just passing a little bit more? I've made a bit of a mess of my trousers.

What are you up to? Number 1s or 2s?

You do your thing, take your time, dude.

I'm going on a second date later,

I need to make sure I'm clean in case I get lucky.

If this doesn't stop coming, you're gonna have to call the police, mate. I tell ya.

-Thank you very much.

-No problem.

Just a tiny little bit more, it's not absorbent enough! Hello? Mate!

And Rochelle wins the challenge!

APPLAUSE

I can't believe the things I do to make a living!

Sometimes I really worry myself!

Melvin, how did you find that one?

The thing is, I think the dude was having a poo beside me, and I wasn't really having a poo,

so I had to be in the toilet and smell what he was doing.

OK, it is time now for our next round,

which is completely different to one of the nation's favourite games from last series, Grimmy Investigates,

-you remember that?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Good, right?

Now we're doing Grimmy Examinates.

-I don't know if it's a word.

-It's not.

OK. But we shall examinate if it is one before we decide.

Spookily, like Grimmy Investigates, each week we found out what our viewers'

biggest sweats are concerning a specific topic.

I will then pick one of those sweats and examinate it.

-Keep trying to make it work.

-Yeah.

As I am going to be examinating, I think this deserves a doctor-based title sequence, don't you, Rochelle?

-Please.

-Yes. We decided to keep it BBC and go with Doctor Who. And before any Doctor Who

fans tweet me saying, "Oh, you're being rude about my beloved Doctor Who!"

I've never seen it, I couldn't give a shit.

DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Hi, Grimmy. I'm sweating over an embarrassing hobby.

I'm a Potter nerd!

It's pretty bad. I've seen every film, multiple times,

read every book, multiple times,

got a few bits and bobs of memorabilia

and I have two Harry Potter tattoos.

We all have embarrassing hobbies...don't we?

Thank you, Jaack Riley. By the way, he spells his name with two As.

-Course he does.

-That's Jaack... Course he bloody does!

To reiterate, the chosen sweat topic is having an embarrassing hobby.

I've decided to examinate... Not a word, is it?

Into whether our panel have had any embarrassing hobbies, too.

The teams have to successfully match the correct panellist to the embarrassing hobby

in order to win the points. Melvin's team, you are going to be guessing the first. The following three

embarrassing hobbies do genuinely come from Rochelle's team.

But which one of Rochelle's team plays... Oh, bloody hell.

The euphonium?

Wait! Oh, shit!

Which one of them has the world famous hobby of...

Oh, my God.

Badgers?

And which one of them is a massive geek about Lord Of The Rings?

And their hobbies include dressing their friends up as characters from the films.

They're all fucking weird, aren't they?

I really like this.

I can see the badger one, baby badgers are cute.

-Their hobby is badgers.

-They like badgers?

-They just like badgers.

-Have you ever seen a baby badger?

-No, baby.

-So cute.

That sounds like a chat up line. "Do you want to see my baby badger?

"Yes, please!"

-Badgers... I'd say Holly's badgers.

-Holly likes badgers.

Pass it on.

There you go. Who likes euphoniums?

I would say that the... you're in a band, aren't you?

-And you're musical?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Hello! Rochelle's in The Saturdays.

Who's having a euphonium?

-I think it's Holly who vamps a badger.

-Vamps badgers, bloody hell, right.

Holly, euphonium.

Rochelle loves me, and I'm like a hobbit, so it's got to be Lord Of The Rings.

I know you do, deep down, Rochelle.

If you're right you win a point for your team for each one you correctly get right. OK.

Brad or James, what is your embarrassing hobby?

-It's not the badger. It's Lord Of The Rings. It's James...

-It's James?

It's not the badger, James, you love The Lord Of The Rings.

I do, I mean, Brad looks like Frodo so that's why I picked him.

He dresses me, puts a cape on me.

OK, Rochelle, what is your embarrassing hobby, please?

Is it being in The Saturdays?

Yes.

When I was a kid I played the euphonium at school.

-Aww, euphonium!

-Because everyone else had the saxophone!

Give us a go on it, then. I feel like Jools Holland. "Here, blowing her euphonium..."

"South London troubadour... Rochelle Humes!"

-It stinks in the mouthpiece, just putting it out there.

-Give it a blow, Rochelle, you've done worse.

That's very true, I'll give you that.

SHE PLAYS AND STUTTERS

APPLAUSE

My old flatmates played the euphonium. I think I know how to play it, give us a go.

I bet I can do it.

-Get a smell of that mouthpiece.

-Let me smell it. Oh, it stinks!

It smells a bit like Nana's.

OK, I'll give it a little go.

HE PLAYS VERY WELL

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Don't worry about it, still got it.

Holly, that means that you bloody love the badgers!

-This is a real one!

-This is a European badger!

Wow!

When I was a child, for about three years I thought I was a badger.

I was completely and utterly obsessed. I had this T-shirt and didn't take it off for about a year.

We have a photo of you in the badger T-shirt.

-Didn't you go on Mastermind and have your specialist subject as...

-Badgers.

Thank you for playing Grimmy Examinates!

APPLAUSE

That's the end of the show and I can reveal that I... have no idea who's won.

But I do know a man that does. Melvin's dad, everyone!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give him a little cuddle, go on. Aww!

-CROWD:

-Awww!

APPLAUSE

-Are you proud of your little boy?

-Oh, definitely.

OK, whisper in my ear, who has won tonight?

OK. Wow! That is...

That is big news, you're not going to believe this.

Because it's either Rochelle or Melvin.

Melvin's dad's just told me, and this is a shocker,

ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of tonight's show are...

unbelievably....

Rochelle's team!

CHEERING

Good work!

A massive thank you to Holly, to Rochelle, The Vamps,

Abbey, Melvin and Lloyd.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff, I have been Nick Grimshaw,

you've all been so beautiful.

Good night, everybody. Bye!

CHEERING