Episode 1 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah!

Hello!

Hi! Hello, I'm Nick Grimshaw,

welcome to a brand-new series of Sweat The Small Stuff!

-We are back, baby! Yeah!

-CHEERING

Hello, welcome.

This is the panel show all about those little annoyances in life.

Because life's little annoyances really are worth sweating over.

This week I've been sweating about celebrity tattoos.

Justin Bieber has got a brand-new tattoo.

Here it is, it is on his chest. There he is. Wow!

Crucifix right between the tits.

He actually got this done on a plane at 40,000 feet.

When asked whether it was painful having to put up with

a little prick at altitude, the tattoo art...

Let me do that again cos I actually laughed.

You can't laugh at yourself.

When asked whether it was more painful having to put up with

a little prick at altitude,

the tattoo artist replied that Bieber was just as bad at ground level.

Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-First joke of the show!

Oh, yeah! There we go!

We're back.

Also, I'm sweating about a band of giant rats

that have been spotted in Birmingham,

and I don't mean band like they hang out in Camden, wear skinny jeans

and have slept with Alexa Chung - I mean like a pack of rats

that are the same size as a small cat.

Officials in Birmingham have said there's no need to panic,

but experts have said they're the worst thing to come out of Birmingham

since the Brummie accent.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a personal best. Right, let's get on with the show. We're going to meet the teams.

First, we have the lovely Rochelle Humes, everybody

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who is on your team, please, Rochelle?

We have a very funny comedian, Ed Gamble,

-and star of The Call Centre, Nev Wilshire.

-Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we now need to meet who's on

teeny, little man Melvin O'Doom's team.

-Melvin is back, everybody. A round of applause for that.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Melvin, who is on your team?

On my team we've got the very funny Katherine Ryan,

-and the very beautiful Alexa Chung.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to find out how our team captains are.

Rochelle, I've not seen you since the last series. How are you?

-Very well, how are you?

-I'm very, very good, thank you.

-And how's the little one?

-He's over there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Melvin O'Doom, how are you?

I just want to say congratulations on getting your breakfast show radio nomination.

-Oh, yeah - that was just me, not you.

-Oh!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Nev from The Call Centre, everybody.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, Nev.

Nev is the head of call centre in Swansea.

And you're known for being a bit of a zany, wacky boss.

but what kind of boss would you say you are, Nev?

An all-round hero.

And last series we saw you having to deal with a girl who'd shat in a bin.

-Oh, yeah.

-How did you know it was a girl that did it?

-Yeah.

Unless some bloke had gone in the girls' toilet, it was...

Why was she shitting in a bin in a toilet?

Who gets that close and then goes,

"Oh, fuck it, I'll just shit in the bin"?

-You'd be surprised.

-Why would you shit in a bin?

I want whoever that was that shat in Nev's bin to get in touch with me

-because I want to know why.

-Can you tell me afterwards, please?

You should be telling me, because I found this in your bin.

That's... This is from Rochelle's dressing room.

As you are, Nev, an expert salesmen,

do you think you could sell me anything?

-Do you want me to sell you that turd in the bin?

-Yes, please.

Erm, yeah. Please don't see this as shit in a bin,

-this is your opportunity for recycling.

-Yes.

-Where there's muck, there's money, as you're aware.

-Don't touch it, Nev!

-Stuck in there.

-It's not a prop! It's actual shit!

Oh, Jesus, Nev! Thank you, Nev, everybody!

APPLAUSE

-Alexa Chung, hello, welcome to the show.

-Hi, Nick Grimshaw.

-It's nice to have you on the television. It is.

-Good to be back.

Alexa, you've released a book here, it's called It.

This is Alexa Chung's book.

-It's basically all about your style inspirations.

-Yes.

-I've had a look through it.

-It's just pictures, innit?

-Mainly, yeah!

-It's pictures with some bullet points that I wrote in a hurry.

-Yeah!

-It's still got way more words than a Katie Price novel.

-That is true.

It was meant to be a photography book.

But then they said that they maybe weren't good enough.

So you had to fill it in with some words?

-I had to fill it in with some chat, yeah.

-I like that.

I didn't realise it was called It. I thought it was IT.

I bought it for my IT department.

Yeah, they look major!

They're all in a denim short, like,

"Hello, would you like loft insulation?"

We are all going to learn now from Alexa Chung,

who's well fashionable, what's in and what's out, basically.

-The little game is called It Or Not It.

-OK.

So, first up, Alexa Chung, espadrilles - it or not it?

LAUGHTER

-I mean, I love an espadrille.

-Yeah?

-I think they're great but they do make your feet smell weird.

-OK.

-I think they're it.

-They're it?

What about backpacks? It or not it?

The problem is with backpacks, they're incredibly ageing.

As soon as you put one on and you're not at school, it's just a bit weird.

What about little baby turtles?

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-They're adorable.

-Oh, they're so it!

-They're so it.

Especially on a little sandwich.

And what about, er...buckets?

-It or not it?

-I don't know.

Is Rochelle going to poo in one?

-That is IT!

-That would be the thing.

She knows fashion. Alexa Chung, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Over here we have a wonderful stand-up comedian, Ed Gamble.

-Hello, welcome to the show, Ed Gamble.

-Thank you for having me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Ed, it is fair to say that you are...

-You've got a very nice face.

-WHISTLING

-Thank you.

-A lovely face.

You must have been literally sweating because,

over the past year, you have had quite the transformation.

You have lost an incredible amount of weight, I've been told.

-Well, in two years, I lost about 6st.

-6st!

We have a picture of Ed, which I didn't know was you

-when I saw this picture.

-Right.

-Wow!

-That's Ed Gamble!

I love that, "Oh!" That's still me!

That's still an insult if you go, "Oh, that is disgusting!

"Thank you so much for sending your thin twin brother!"

How's it been being a comedian now, now that you're, kind of,

a pin-up, as well? A bit of a sex symbol?

I find that difficult in the UK to talk about that on stage, to say, "I've lost a lot of weight,"

because self-improvement is not something to be applauded in the UK.

It's so true!

If I did it in America, people would be going, "Whoo! Yeah, you go, sir!

"You take control of your life!"

Say it in England and I get, "Yeah, I bet you were funnier when you were fat, you prick."

-APPLAUSE

-Can't win.

-It's so true!

Right, we need to say hello to Katherine Ryan, everybody.

APPLAUSE

-And you are from the country of Canada.

-I am.

-But you've lived here for years now - like six years.

Are the nice things that you found slightly charming at the start

-now beginning to wear thin?

-No! I love the UK.

-I have a British...person living with me...

-Who?

-..that fell out of me. She's my kid.

-Oh, OK.

You know, I'm very proud to be Canadian but I'm glad I live in the UK.

Is that something you'd really sweat about in Canada?

-There's nothing to sweat about in Canada.

-Moose attack? Moose?

-Yeah.

Or getting your beaver stuffed?

LAUGHTER

I enjoy having my beaver stuffed in the UK.

I mean, I enjoyed it then.

Nothing is scary unless you're a baby seal in Canada.

Right, let's get on with the show.

It's time for the Sweatbox, where you get to actually help

members of this very audience.

They'll go into the Sweatbox and tell you what they've been sweating about

and you must do your best to help them out with some good advice.

Whichever team they decide has given them

-the most help will win the point. You get it?

-Got it!

-Get it!

So who is first in the Sweatbox tonight?

-Hi, Grimmy, my name's Luke.

-Hi, Luke. What's your sweat?

My sweat is my mate Elijah Rocks trying to be friends with

every celebrity he possibly can. He's turned into a nightmare.

-Like Grimmy?

-I've made a career out of it!

Yeah, anywhere we go, he'll literally push past little kids,

he'll interrupt interviews, he'll try and take selfies and post them online.

-Wow! Who's he met?

-He's met a lot of celebrities.

-Er, Kelly Brook.

-Yes.

-Gareth Barry.

-Yes.

-Jermain Defoe.

-Elijah's here.

Elijah's in the audience.

Stand up, Elijah. There he is.

APPLAUSE

Hi, Elijah. It just so happens, there's loads of celebrities here.

I've got some over here and I've got some over here.

-Come and be our friends!

-Come and befriend the panel.

Show us, Elijah. How do you do it? Go.

What I'd do is, when they're in the middle of talking, I'll cheekily...

-ED:

-Is it always when people are talking?

-It has to be cos that's the element of surprise.

-It's the nice way to do it.

-Also known as rudeness!

-Yeah!

-You're ambushing always?

-Ambush is a good word.

-It's not a good word!

But it is THE word.

So you'll be talking, giving an interview, and I might cheekily come behind you.

So I'll pretend to be talking. So, er, what are you doing later on? Oh!

Hello. Smile a bit. That's it.

Yeah. I mean, it does work!

It worked right away.

Have you been arrested before?

-Not in this country, no.

-I think I love you for this.

-Aw!

-Why don't we all have a nice picture together?

-Can we do that?

Yeah, everyone get around. Come on, he's a nice guy.

APPLAUSE

-All get in. Are you ready?

-Surprise!

-Surprise!

That is nice! I'm going to tweet that right now. I'm going to tweet that right now.

-Yeah, we love you, Elijah.

-What a great guy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So, what advice have we got for Luke?

-Luke, I can see what's wrong.

You are obsessed with taking photos of your friend Elijah next to celebrities.

You should just tell him how you feel!

Just say, "Elijah, I want to take a picture of you. Look surprised."

-I've got a good way of shutting it down.

-Yeah?

When you see it happening,

you go over there with a big bag of human hair -

all different colours, all mixed up -

and you go up to Elijah and you say, "Have you asked them yet?"

Anyone would run from that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who would you like to award the point to?

-That is good!

-Er...

Well, I don't think any of you helped, really.

I'll have to go with this team, cos that's just going to make me out to be a weirdo.

Melvin's team get another point.

-We liked Elijah, didn't we?

-We did.

-Shall we get Elijah in the Sweatbox?

-I think so.

-Yeah, come on, Elijah!

Come on! Here y'are, Luke. Do one!

-Oh, hello. And what is your sweat? Do you have one?

-I do, actually.

So, Grimmy, lad, I love my girlfriend

-but I fancy her sister even more.

-What?!

-AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

Well, basically, if she's watching, you don't have a girlfriend,

so problem solved! Straight in there.

-I disagree that this is a bad thing, right?

-What are you talking about?

No, I've got a logical reason why. This is what you've got to tell your girlfriend

when she finds out about this. You've got to tell her it's a compliment

because they're from the same family - they share features.

You fancy her sister because she reminds you of your girlfriend, right?

To truly compliment your girlfriend,

you need a picture of her granny in a bikini above your bed.

APPLAUSE

Any advice, Alexa?

My only advice would be to not come on here and say that!

-Katherine?

-Well, it's quite common.

It's known as Pippa Middleton syndrome and, er,

what you need to do is... There's a clinic near my house.

If you get 150 quid together, go down there,

just get yourself neutered.

Elijah, whose advice are you going to take(?)

I'm going to have to go for Rochelle's team.

Thank you, Elijah. Right, who's next in the Sweatbox?

Hi, everyone. My name is DJ MC Keen

and my sweat is that I've been for about 15 years rapping

and I haven't got a record label yet.

So I would like to ask you, how could you advise me on this issue?

-OK, you're DJ MC Keen?

-Yes.

And your sweat is that you're not famous, basically?

It's not about famous. I want to do a revolution in hip-hop culture.

-ALEXA: He's a sweating the big stuff, though!

-I know.

He's very sweaty and serious.

So we are going to see just how good you are right now.

This is DJ MC Keen and Busy Lady.

# Busy, busy

# Busy, busy lady

# Busy, busy A busy, busy lady

# You're running over London Milano, Las Vegas

# In Cali-California

# Hurry up, my baby

# You are a busy, busy A busy, busy lady

# Busy, busy A busy, busy lady

# You're running over London Milano, Las Vegas

# In Cali-California... #

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-# Busy lady, b-b-busy! #

SHE'S not busy, cos she's just on the Southbank, like,

-"I've got me hot pants on!"

-I love that, by the way.

# Busy, busy Busy, busy lady. #

I'm, like, not into rap too much cos I think sometimes it can be

-a bit misogynistic.

-Mm.

-But that's lovely, cos it's about a busy lady.

She's got a job. She's got a job, she's looking after her kids.

She's good with admin. It's about a lady who's good with admin.

She's busy, busy - very, very busy -

but their sense is that she doesn't respect... LAUGHTER

Do you have any advice, this team over here, what he could do?

DJ MC Keen, this is the feminist anthem of the summer. I love it.

I think you should tap into this market.

'Pon de school run - you know what I'm saying?

-Who do you want to be like? Tupac?

-Let me... Let me point out something.

OK. Go on.

You live in a world where every rapper speaks about drugs and guns.

I want to do something different.

Nietzche said, "If you want to do something different,

"you open yourself the doors of madness."

Fantastic. Change your name.

LAUGHTER

Keeno?

APPLAUSE

This is your chance to perform in front of the UK's favourite breakfast show DJ...

and Grimmy.

Grab yourself a microphone and perform for all of us.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DJ MC Keen, yes!

Thank you! Yeah, I'm ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, DJ MC Keen with Busy Lady.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Ba-ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba busy lady

# Hey! Busy, busy Busy lady

# Please, listen to me for the first time in your life

I am DJ MC Keen and you are

# Yes, you are

# A busy, busy

# A busy, busy lady

# You are a busy, busy

# Busy, busy lady

# Busy, busy A busy, busy lady

# Running over London, Milano, Las Vegas

# In Cali-California Hurry up, my baby

# You are a busy, busy

# A busy, busy lady

# Busy, busy A busy, busy lady

# Running over London, Milano, Las Vegas

# In Cali-California Hurry up, my baby. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Yeah!

I love Busy... Busy lady!

Rochelle, do you think that could be a number-one hit?

-# Busy, busy, busy, busy... #

-Maybe for the Saturdays! Not that busy, though!

No!

I think that me and Grimmy should be, like,

what do they call them - vide-hos? When they're, like...

I think they prefer to be called dancers.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Any advice over here?

-Well, to perform, which he just did.

He took the advice so we win.

OK. Who do you want to give the point to?

-I think the guys over there.

-Melvin's team.

APPLAUSE

That is the end of the round. Thank you, Sweatbox.

CHEERING

-Nev, why have you been sweating about sushi?

-Oh, sushi.

-Yeah.

-It's... You know how downtrodden and under the thumb I am.

-Yes.

-She's taking me out for sushi now.

She's gone into loving sushi and I can't stand it.

So we went to the London Palladium the other day

and beforehand there was this restaurant opposite.

We had two little bits of rice with fish in the middle.

That's sushi, Nev.

LAUGHTER

-150 quid.

-No!

-Where's the rest of it? Where's my chips?

-I can't imagine sushi in Swansea is big.

-No.

It's like a tuna baguette, sushi.

-Are you a taramasalata man?

-A what?

I know it's not sushi and I don't care about the answer but

I just want you to say taramasalata.

-Taramasalata.

-Oh, yeah.

Right, it's time now for Rochelle and Melvin: The Challenges.

This is where each week I challenge our team captains to take

a small sweat out into the streets and into the public's faces.

This week's sweat is about those annoying job interviews where

everything just seems to go wrong and the interviewers are...

They're just dicks, basically.

We've all had those horrible interviews.

We have seen some stories in the papers recently. Check this one out.

You must interview a lot of people,

Nev, cos you are the CEO of the call centre.

Have you ever made them do a Brent dance?

-No, I have had somebody sing, "I'm a little teapot short and stout."

-No.

That's what I'm talking about. You're exactly the problem.

What I've done is set up some job interviews up for people to

be Rochelle and Melvin's assistants on this show to find out just

what happens when they become the world's most annoying interviewers.

Let's find out who won in Rochelle and Melvin: The Challenges.

HE GRUNTS

I'm a people person. I understand the human brain and how it ticks.

S Club Juniors, I'm in the band. The Saturdays, I'm in the band.

I just never really had a bad interview.

I'm going to get in with my questions and get out.

Like it's a bank robbery.

This is a bank robbery of the mind.

LAUGHTER

Read your applicant's CV...

..and try to catch them out three times.

This is going to be easy.

Hi.

-How you doing, bruv?

-How are doing?

-Melvin, man. Are you cool?

-Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

-Pleasure, pleasure.

Me and the other guys insist on meeting everyone now

cos we've had a few problems with runners and stuff in the past.

It says here that your best attribute is making people laugh.

-OK.

-Go on, then.

-Do you like sort of like jokes or...?

-Yeah.

-What's your best joke? That's cool.

-Oh, God.

-I see that you've been in musicals, which is fun.

-I have.

-I love Grease.

Yeah, Grease was a good one.

# One, two, three, four, happy days

# Wednesday, Thursday, happy days. #

It was great.

Happy Days wasn't actually in Grease. That was a test.

-I meant the song.

-Oh, OK.

-It wasn't in Grease.

-No, I know that.

-OK, fine.

What's the last funny thing that happened to you?

Well, I fell down the stairs. It's not really that funny, though.

-Did you have to go to hospital?

-No.

-OK, that's not funny, then.

-Says you here you speak French.

-Yeah.

Hola, me llamo Rochelle.

Ah, bonjour. Ca va?

I was speaking Spanish.

LAUGHTER

-No?

-Just a test.

What font did you use on this CV?

It must have been...

-Do you not know?

-Garamond.

-What size is it? Did you write this?

-Yeah, I wrote that. It's 12.

-Are you sure it's 12?

-Cos it looks like 13, 14.

-11 is the small bit and 12 is the bigger bit.

OK, I'll believe you this time.

Another thing on your CV.

It says you are a fast learner. Can you repeat these?

15, 18, 92, 67, 87, 77, 17, 7.

57, 92, 87, 97, 16, 7.

-Nearly.

-Right?

Are there any other falsities in your CV or just that one?

That was not a false...falsity.

During the interview,

become obviously disinterested in the applicant.

To win a point they must question your actions. Nice.

So, Chris, tell me a bit about yourself.

I have an identical twin brother.

We sing together all the time.

-What's your story?

-I always had a passion for TV.

I always grabbed my dad's camera, messing around with it.

None of that offended me.

What I did, actually, I'm not going to lie to you...

It just sort of made me stronger.

I used to go to loads of productions in the Southbank. Southbank and BBC.

From the age of 13, 14, we've been working for a production company.

I always had a massive passion for photography and film and TV.

I do stuff at home.

-Are you all right?

-Sorry, carry on.

-Are you sure? I can wait until you're finished.

-Carry on.

That's what I want to do. I love TV.

LAUGHTER

Is that it?

Ask your applicant to agree...

..to as many unreasonable demands as you can. Piece of cake.

This isn't like a normal 9 to 5 job.

I want to make sure people I'm working with,

-we're on the same page.

-I'm happy to do anything, yeah.

-How do you feel about dry-cleaning?

-Dry-cleaning.

-Would you be cool to drop it off and stuff like that?

-Yeah.

Every Tuesday, I tell my husband I'm here and I'm not.

-Where are you?

-Well...

-I'm not happy to do that.

-You're not happy to?

-No, sorry.

I'm seeing eight girls at the moment.

Would you be able to keep track of them

with an Excel spreadsheet or anything like that?

I can schedule it all for you to make sure that you're appreciating them

in the right proportion.

On a Saturday, he hosts The Voice, which I actually don't like.

I'm not sure if you watch it but if you could,

just ten highlights or something, e-mail them to me straight after.

OK.

-Would you be able to organise restraining orders?

-Yeah.

-Do you know how to kill and pluck a chicken?

-Erm...

-You can learn.

It's on YouTube.

-Are you cool to learn?

-Er...

Yeah.

A few years ago I met this beautiful woman

and found that she used to be a man.

I need someone who will be able to check before I pass on a number.

-Just touch of the bulge and double-check?

-I'm being serious.

I'll have to just pretend I dropped something and, like, "Oh, God."

-Are you cool to do that?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

So good.

Rochelle, you win a point for your team.

CHEERING

Don't worry if you're watching this at home and panicking, because they

did actually get a real interview afterwards to work on the show.

Well done, Rochelle and Melvin, everybody.

-And Alexa Chung.

-Yeah?

-Why have we been sweating about Facebook posts?

So, I'm of an age now where a lot of people I know have been having

babies and that's so nice and lovely and I completely condone it.

Well done, everyone.

But I don't like when I then send said baby a gift

and they'll write on the Facebook as if the baby is writing to me

and they'll say,

"Thanks, Auntie Alexa, I'm really enjoying my de-de-deh.

"My mummy says that de-de-deh." As if they're the baby.

The baby can't write. The baby doesn't know I'm alive.

The baby doesn't fucking like the clothes. The jig is up.

LAUGHTER

OK, it's time for Quick Fire Sweats.

In Quick Fire Sweats,

the teams will have to pitch a sweat to the audience against the clock.

If they manage to persuade the majority of the audience

that it is truly annoying, they get a point for their team.

Rochelle's team, you're going to go first.

Would you like to pitch against the clock, Ed Gamble?

I would, thank you.

Around where I live, in my local area, there's a lot of adults who

insist on transporting themselves to the shops on children's scooters.

I do not think this is acceptable

and do not see how you think you can be taken seriously as an adult.

You may as well ride round on a fucking space hopper,

as far as I'm concerned.

A woman bumped into me and said, "Excuse me, I'm late for a meeting."

I turned round and she was on a child's scooter.

I don't know what meeting she's going to where

she thinks she's going to be taken seriously.

"Do that, do that, get the finances together." And then just ride off

on one of these things just, "See you later guys!"

KLAXON

Having said that, I've never been on one before and I now see the appeal.

Audience, what do we think?

Hold up your red one if you agree that is annoying or blue one

if you're like, "Do you know what? It's all right. I'm not bothered."

Definitely red faces. It does annoy the audience as well.

-So you win a point for your team.

-Yes!

-Well done.

-Right, Melvin's team, do you have a quick fire sweat?

-Yes.

Well, summer is coming.

That's festival season and we know that the girls are going to be

out in their teeny, tiny, little denim shorts.

That is a promise of thrush. I can't stand it.

They sit down in the grass

and then they stand up on it's like farting confetti all over the place.

I don't like it.

If you've been to a festival, you come home

and deliver a grass baby, then your denim shorts are just too, too short.

I can see into the future when you bend over.

KLAXON

Do very, very short denim shorts which allow

you to see inside of a person annoy you?

That's a lot of reds. Mainly men holding up blues.

LAUGHTER

Melvin's team, you get a point.

APPLAUSE

OK, that is the end of the show. I can reveal that the winners are...

I can't believe what I'm going to say now.

I actually can't believe this.

The winners...

are...

Melvin's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A big thank you to Rochelle, Ed, Nev, Melvin, Katherine and Alexa.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff.

I've been Nick Grimshaw. You've all been beautiful.

Good night, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE