The Stay-at-Home Holiday Sykes

*

Don't forget the sausages. First thing Eric wants when he gets back is bangers and mash.

Yes, got that. And turn on the immersion heater,

put Eric's slippers by the fire, hot water bottle in Eric's bed...

His dressing gown on the radiator! Heavens, you're going on holiday, not returning from hospital!

To Eric, the best thing about going away is coming home again!

All year, he looks forward to his holiday just so he can come back!

Why on earth have you put your home address as the Savoy Hotel?!

..Ah, well, that's Eric's idea, cos he thinks that wherever we go the guests are going to say,

"Ooh, goodness me! Savoy Hotel!"

Anyway, if we lose the cases, they'll return them to the Savoy,

but they might not be so keen if it's to 28 Sebastopol Terrace!

Hello. Well, you're off, then, eh?

You've missed Eric. You were meant to be here at 8.30.

Well, on my way here, I thought number 18 was on fire.

Not that again?! How does he get away with it?!

-HE was at MY door yesterday, asking if the house was on fire?

-Were you cooking?

-Yes, actually. Bacon.

He can smell bacon frying at 100 yards away(!)

He's straight in with a bucket of water, then, next, he's up at the table,

-onto his third or fourth breakfast!

-Well, he didn't get any of MY bacon.

-But I gave him a bit of fried bread.

-Oh, that's just idle tittle-tattle!

It isn't! Some people in the street lock their door and draw their curtains before putting the pan on!

Here, let me do that. I'll help you while you put the kettle on.

-I wasn't going to put the kettle on.

-I'll give you a hand.

And a sandwich, if you've got one to spare. Just a little one.

What on earth have they got...?

Oh, dear me! Hup... Come on...

-Here, hold this.

-What?

Thank you.

Now, don't worry. I'll keep an eye on the property while you're away.

-Um, I've given Miss Rumbelow the key.

-But you usually give it to ME!

-Yes, but the last time I gave you it...

-Well?

-I heard all about those wild parties!

Wild parties?! Good grief! One night I had a couple of friends in.

A couple of friends?! I got £9.50 back on the empties!

The mind boggles at what went on!

It wasn't one of THOSE parties! Just me and the lads. You didn't find a black sock?

No. But which of your "lads" wears a corset?!

Ah... Oh, that'll be Harry Benkitt. Yes, it's a surgical corset. He's got a bad back.

He's got a bad front, as well! I also found a bra!

..Well, I've always wondered about Harry.

-You know you've got a loaf in there and some cheese?

-I'll sort that out when you've gone.

-I

-shall.

-I

-have the key.

-Yes, Miss Rumbelow will be in every day to see everything's OK.

-Oh, you won't forget, will you? Jaws will need feeding.

-Jaws?

-Yes.

Jaws! Hello, darling!

Now, a small teaspoon twice a day. It says once daily on the packet, but don't do that.

He'll eat it all at once, then not know what to do with himself for the rest of the day.

-I'll take him to my house.

-No, he'll be lost.

It'd be difficult for him to be "lost" in there!

But he's also company for Peter.

-Peter?

-Yes, Peter.

Now, you pull this down every evening,

-and he'll, "Cuckoo!"

-Yes, well, I...

But...if Peter doesn't come out,

don't try to force him. And...

..whatever you do, don't have a look to see what's happened,

because Eric did that once, and he cuckooed right into his face!

-They didn't speak to each other for a week!

-You DO need a holiday!

-Yes!

-We haven't had a holiday for three years.

-Come, now! Last year you had ten days in Majorca!

Well...

Yes, you came back with castanets and a sombrero, saying, "Hasta la vista!" all day long!

-Really, Constable!

-What's up? "Hasta la vista" simply means "How's your father?!"

Look, promise you won't tell Eric about this,

-but, um, we didn't get as far as Majorca.

-How far DID you get?

Gatwick.

But you were away for ten days! Where did you go?

The airport lounge.

-You spent ten days in the airport lounge?!

-Yes, well...

No, we had one day in Reigate. But, actually, it wasn't too bad at all,

because we had a nice little corner next door to the snack bar,

and we got friendly with the woman in the bookstall.

We missed the plane.

-Why didn't you come home?!

-Eric didn't want people to know. He's terribly sensitive.

-He doesn't like being laughed at.

-They wouldn't laugh at him missing the plane!

They did the year before!

You see?! YOU'RE laughing now!

I don't know! Ten days in Gatwick! Said he was out every night dancing flamenco with the bullfighters!

Oh! ..He didn't, did he?!

Yeah, down at the pub. Showed us how they drink wine, how they trickle it over you...

He poured his pint over his head!

Oh, dear! Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude!

So, that's why you're not going by plane this year?

Yes, that's right. Eric says he's sick of Gatwick.

This year we're making a coach tour of the West Country.

-That's nice.

-Yes.

-But if your brother isn't here soon, you'll be on your own!

-No, I'm meeting Eric at the station. No slip-up this time!

-Two years running!

-Now, wait a minute!

-It wasn't Eric's fault. It can happen to anyone!

-Really(!) Didn't you get up in time?

Yes, we were up at six. Eric even had the tickets and passport under his pillow.

And he had the alarm set for four, five AND six o'clock. We didn't have to leave till ten.

Did you get lost on the way?

No, that was the year before.

-No, this time, we didn't actually...leave.

-Wait! Was that when you lost the luggage?

-I'LL tell it.

-I

-was there!

-So was I!

Oh, of course you were, Corky! Yes!

Well, you see, we were all ready to set off when...

-That's the big stuff, right?

-Fine.

Now the medicine chest.

-Plasters.

-Plasters.

-Cotton wool.

-Check.

-Aspirins.

-Aspirins...

-Tummy pills.

-Tummy pills.

-Indigestion pills.

-Hub-a-hobee.

Miscellaneous pills.

Miscellaneous?

We'd better not catch that!

There's a lot of that about on the Continent!

"Oh, Fifi, I've got the miscellaneous again!

-"There'll be no dan-song ce soir!"

-Hee-hee!

You've covered everything apart from trench foot!

-Scarf!

-Scarf?

It can be very cold in Manchester.

We're not going to Manchester! We get on the plane, get strapped in, oing-oing-oing, couple of drinks...

-We don't get off while it stops. We're NOT going to Manchester!

-We did last time.

-Yeah, but it was foggy, and that was coming back!

-Yes.

And you had on an open-neck shirt and khaki shorts! You nearly got pneumonia!

Scarf!

Right! OK...

Scarf. Right.

-Television!

-We're not taking that!

-Have you switched it off?

-Of course I have.

-Unplugged it from the mains?

-That doesn't matter!

-It does.

They can still detect it, even if it's switched off. As long as it's still plugged in at the mains.

No, they don't just go round like that. They look, too. They can see see the aerial, can't they?

They don't know it's an aerial. I've had it camouflaged. Look.

-Good idea, isn't it? North, south, east and west.

-Marvellous(!)

That's why we haven't been able to get a picture. Not from the north, south, east or west!

They don't just slap an aerial on there haphazardly.

That dipole is directionalised so we can get a beam that bounces off the Mendip Hills.

I don't know who's getting our picture. Some Hausfrau on the Continent will be sitting there,

looking at Emmerdale Farm and trying to figure it out.

I don't blame 'em for that!

That's why I've never paid the licen... Well, one of the reasons.

-I'll go and switch it off.

-All right.

-And the aerial!

-Righto!

OK. Now, come on. Chop chop!

-Tickets?

-They're in the carrier bag.

-Go and get them cos we haven't got much time.

-OK. Give us the key.

Ah, that's in my purse.

Where's your purse?

TOGETHER: It's in the carrier bag!

That's marvellous(!)

-YOU left the carrier bag in there!

-Oh, MY fault, is it?!

It's not MY fault! I said I'D look after the keys and tickets. Right?

-And YOU said, "No,

-I

-will, so they won't get lost!"

-They're NOT lost. They're in there!

-Where's the spare key?

-I gave it to Corky so he can look after the place.

-Well, let's find him!

-You go round the back, I'll check the front.

-Where'll he be?!

He's on duty, isn't he? So, we check the Dove And Partridge, the cafe, the chip shop...

..the bakery... OK?

Oh, and check that new Indian restaurant. He's mad on vindaloo.

Thank you, madam. Thanks very much. I'll look at it again tomorrow.

Hello? Hel-lo?

Hello?

Typical! They've gone off and left their baggage.

Oh, well. Better to lose it here, I suppose, than at the airport.

There we go.

Let's see... I can let you have 40 gross, pink, with frills at the bottom.

..FBL.

Fell off the back of a lorry.

Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

Do unto others before they do you. You know what I mean.

But if you don't order it now, you won't get it next week. Hold on.

Somebody's just walked into the office.

It's YOU. I thought you had a phone of your own.

-I have. It's in the house.

-Best place for it.

-If

-I

-had a phone, that's where I'D keep it.

Hello. Let's make it tomorrow, then, for lunch. I'll call Mr Witherspoon right away. Yes. Thanks. Bye.

-Just a moment!

-This is a public box! Nobody's more entitled than...!

-I've got three calls to make!

-But this is an emergency! We've had our luggage stolen!

-Luggage?

-Yeah!

-We left two cases in the drive...

-What a silly place to leave cases!

You should keep valuables in the house...with your telephone!

The house is locked and we haven't got a key!

Well, another thing. When they put a lock on your door, make sure they give you the key!

That's HER responsibility.

-OK. You left your suitcases in the drive and they've gone?

-Two of them.

Dustbin men could've taken them.

The dustbin men? THEY wouldn't take our luggage.

Oh, I dunno. I've seen your luggage! BEEPING

Hello. Hello? Mr Witherspoon?

Mr Ackersmith here. No, no. I'm in head office. Yes, that's right.

I see. Later? Oh, right. I'll give him a call, then. Right. Bye. Thanks.

-Let me phone. It's an emergency. The police...

-OK, be quick. I'm trying to run a business here.

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

-Right, I want "A - L", don't I? Police.

Eh? Listen, just dial 999.

-Eh?

-999.

No, I want the LOCAL police. A pal of ours is a constable there.

Listen, d'you want to call the police or d'you just want a social chat?

-I'll get the big boys.

-999.

-999.

-PHONE RINGS

I never touched it.

Hello.

It's for you!

Hello.

Agnes, how many times have I told you not to call me at the office?!

I'm in the middle of a board meeting.

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...

I tell you what - ring me in half an hour, on my private line. Right? OK.

I'll just be able to do it. Now, let's see...

-If anybody wants me, you can get me at that number.

-Yeah, OK.

I'll tell them, um, Mr Ackersmith...

Wait. Supposing the house where that is... Shall I wait till...?

-The station booking hall.

-Is that your head office?

I'm sorry, miss! Sorry, that box is out of order.

I'm sorry. I know he took the sign off,

but since all the government cutbacks on the Post Office,

they don't have enough "out of order" signs to go round.

So, he's taken it to another box and left me to tell you it's out of order.

-PHONE RINGS

-You see? You tell them and they won't take any notice of you!

Hello. This box is out of order. Doo-doo-doo-doo!

There's no telling them! They...! I'll report it to the police!

That's what - I'll report it to the police.

9...

9...

..9.

Hello... Ye... No!

No, never mind about the fire and the ambulance. Yeah, the police.

Yes... Hello, we've had a big robbery.

Sykes.

S-Y-K-E-S.

Well, we were going on holiday...

-SHOUTING:

-No, I'm speaking from a telephone booth in Sebastopol Terrace.

The number? Well, it's...

603...

No, that's Mr Ackersmith's head office. At the station boo...

Look, the BOOTH isn't lost! My...

FORTIES-STYLE GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYS

MUSIC CONTINUES

Oh!

Oh, hello! Had a nice holiday?

Why are YOU in OUR house using up our winter stock of food?!

Those sausages would've gone off!

They were TINNED sausages!

Ah, there's an explanation for that.

-If you...

-Won't you ask me in(?)

Eh? Oh, yes, sorry. Mind the bags.

Oh, that's where they are!

You're lucky I was passing. You'd left them outside, so I brought them in for safety.

Then, as I was here, suddenly...

the fridge door swung open.

"Hello, hello, hello!" I said. "Who's in there?"

And then, to my horror... Eh?

Never mind about all that.

We've only got an hour to catch the plane.

Here's the other case. Where's your brother?

-Oh! He's looking for YOU! Now we'll have to look for HIM!

-He can't have gone far.

-He goes 100 yards, he has to have a lie-down!

-You go the back way, I'll go the front.

-Righto.

Yes. Yes, right. Then...

Then, there's a pair of blue pyjamas.

-I

-don't know what kind of material!

Cavalry twill!

And there's a cigarette burn down the left leg.

And there's a pair of flippers tied round the side.

No, not the pyjamas! The case!

The other case.

Ah... Well, I don't know what's in that.

That's my sister's and she packs it in secret.

And the stuff that goes in it! The Customs won't go through THAT!

No, nothing illegal, just, um...

..women's things.

Yeah.

That's right, and then... What?!

Whoever's got them will be through the roadblocks, they'll be at the Channel ports and...!

Yeah... OK, well, I'll wait for you at the gates till you come back. At the gate, yeah. Thank you.

SIREN

-Are you Mr Sykes?

-Yeah, I phoned about the missing suitcases. I phoned from that box.

-Would one be black with a yellow strap round it?

-That's right.

-And one with flippers on the back?

-Yeah.

Have you found them?

Well, they weren't there five minutes ago!

And five minutes ago, I was having a cup of tea with my feet up! A false alarm is a very serious offence!

What with the cost of petrol, tyres, AND double time on a Saturday!

Bribery is also a serious offence!

-I wasn't going to bribe him!

-What was this for? Waving him off?

-I wanted change to phone the pol...

-Eric!

-Come on! We'll be late!

-It's no good. Half my holiday money's gone now, and we'll never make Gatwick!

-Your girlfriend lives near Gatwick, doesn't she, Constable?

-Who, me?

Yes, I mean, whoever took his cases could be headed that way, right?

TOGETHER: But the cases are HERE!

Look, lad, if you want to get on in the force, you must remember to look the other way.

-When you look back, the cases will be in the police car.

-Gotcha!

Buy your girl a bunch of flowers!

Gotcha, Corky! Come on, then.

Hey, I'm sitting in the front!

Cheerio, then! Bye-bye!

Don't forget to write! And don't drink the water!

-Bye-bye, Corky!

-SIREN ON

Oh, no! Not the siren!

Oh!

So we were at Gatwick in plenty of time. Straight in, baggage on the scales...

We'd forgotten the passports and tickets! So...

Eric! I was telling them about missing the plane last year.

I heard. While you were telling them, we've missed the coach.

­ SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER

Subtitles by Lois Brooks BBC Scotland 1998