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This programme contains some strong language
When you arrive,
know the name and position of the person you are to meet.
Hello, can I help you?
I don't know the name or the position
of the person I'm about to meet.
Would you like to take a seat? We won't keep you long.
# There she was singing do wah diddy diddy
# Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. #
Hello, Rosemary, this is Olga.
There's a lunatic with a crossbow in reception.
I could fire an arrow into your back from here if I wanted,
but I'm not going to.
Mr Howard's secretary will be down in a minute.
Is she as charmless as you?
-Sorry to have kept you waiting.
-Fuck me, you were quick.
Or did I nod off?
Would you like to come this way?
Right, lead the way, sugar tits!
If it is the secretary, let her go first into the elevator,
open doors for her, be pleasant but not over friendly.
Oi, do you like my crossbow? Do you hear me?
Do you like my crossbow?
ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS
I hope you didn't have trouble finding us here.
Don't you eyeball me, sweetheart.
Which way do we go?
It's this way.
Why are you walking like that? Do you need a crap or something?
Notice that there's a nameplate on the door.
Sometimes it will indicate his rank and position.
What does the WJ stand for? Wank Joist?
Here's your visitor, Mr Howard.
On entering the office, watch his hand.
Handshaking is not so common as in other countries.
Good morning. I hope you had a good journey.
You have lovely soft hands, like my probation officer.
Do not smoke unless he invites you to or you're desperate for one.
Then ask if you may. Do not take it for granted.
Do you smoke?
A bit of spice at the weekend,
you know, just to get off me tits.
Only use first names if he does.
The use of last names is customary.
It's an absolute honour to meet you, Mr Wank Joist.
We are interested in this proposition of yours,
but tell me more.
I've just got this old johnny machine in the garage
that I thought you might fancy having.
It's got all different johnnies in there,
like flavoured johnnies, studded johnnies, textured johnnies,
and I thought you might like that, you old pervert!
The ones that light up, pleasure shaped, coloured, double ribbed
and my personal favourite, a kiss of mint.
So what you say, Wank Joist?
Well, get your people to telex the details, will you?
Why don't I just leave it with that charmless cow in reception?
Make certain that he knows your name and how to pronounce it correctly.
It's Joe Wilkinson.
I'm very glad to have met you, Mr, um...?
Well, goodbye. My secretary will see you to the lift.
Wilkinson, cloth ears!
Comedy performers Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson delve into the archives to parody a 1970s film on what to do at a business meeting.