The Business Meeting The Archiveologists


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The Business Meeting

Comedy performers Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson delve into the archives to parody a 1970s film on what to do at a business meeting.


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This programme contains some strong language

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When you arrive,

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know the name and position of the person you are to meet.

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Hello, can I help you?

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I don't know the name or the position

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of the person I'm about to meet.

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Would you like to take a seat? We won't keep you long.

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# There she was singing do wah diddy diddy

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# Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. #

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Hello, Rosemary, this is Olga.

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There's a lunatic with a crossbow in reception.

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I could fire an arrow into your back from here if I wanted,

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but I'm not going to.

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Mr Howard's secretary will be down in a minute.

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Is she as charmless as you?

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-Sorry to have kept you waiting.

-Fuck me, you were quick.

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Or did I nod off?

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Would you like to come this way?

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Right, lead the way, sugar tits!

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If it is the secretary, let her go first into the elevator,

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open doors for her, be pleasant but not over friendly.

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Oi, do you like my crossbow? Do you hear me?

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Do you like my crossbow?

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ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS

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I hope you didn't have trouble finding us here.

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Don't you eyeball me, sweetheart.

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Which way do we go?

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It's this way.

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Why are you walking like that? Do you need a crap or something?

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Notice that there's a nameplate on the door.

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Sometimes it will indicate his rank and position.

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What does the WJ stand for? Wank Joist?

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Here's your visitor, Mr Howard.

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On entering the office, watch his hand.

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Handshaking is not so common as in other countries.

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Good morning. I hope you had a good journey.

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You have lovely soft hands, like my probation officer.

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Do not smoke unless he invites you to or you're desperate for one.

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Then ask if you may. Do not take it for granted.

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Do you smoke?

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A bit of spice at the weekend,

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you know, just to get off me tits.

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Only use first names if he does.

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The use of last names is customary.

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It's an absolute honour to meet you, Mr Wank Joist.

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We are interested in this proposition of yours,

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but tell me more.

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I've just got this old johnny machine in the garage

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that I thought you might fancy having.

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It's got all different johnnies in there,

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like flavoured johnnies, studded johnnies, textured johnnies,

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and I thought you might like that, you old pervert!

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The ones that light up, pleasure shaped, coloured, double ribbed

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and my personal favourite, a kiss of mint.

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So what you say, Wank Joist?

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Right.

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Well, get your people to telex the details, will you?

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Why don't I just leave it with that charmless cow in reception?

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Make certain that he knows your name and how to pronounce it correctly.

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It's Joe Wilkinson.

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Wilkinson?

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I'm very glad to have met you, Mr, um...?

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Wilkinson.

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W-I-L-K-I-N-S-O-N.

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Wilkinson.

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Well, goodbye. My secretary will see you to the lift.

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Wilkinson!

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Wilkinson, cloth ears!

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Bloody Wilkinson!

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Comedy performers Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson delve into the archives to parody a 1970s film on what to do at a business meeting.