The Yorkshire Television Disco Dancing Championships The Archiveologists


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The Yorkshire Television Disco Dancing Championships

Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson affectionately parody a television disco dance championship.


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DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

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RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

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-HECKLER:

-Up yours, Bates!

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Well, hello and welcome to...

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-Oi, Bates!

-Thank you!

-You look like a coach driver!

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Thank you and welcome to Romeo and Juliet's here in Doncaster

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for the Yorkshire Television final of the

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Disco Dancing Championships.

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Oh, dear! Looks like a fight's broken out.

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Never mind! Let's plough on.

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We've got an amazing half hour for you.

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We've got 12 idiots, all of whom are aching to get into our final,

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into our final, which happens, of course, in October.

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We have the exciting sounds of Mike Moran...

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You tell her, go on, Sue!

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And let's get right into it and meet the first of our contestants,

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because we've got 12 of them and some of these northerners

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can really move.

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And here's the first one.

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This is Albert Tatlock from Yorkshire.

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And he likes to disco dance to the shipping forecast.

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Becoming variable, three or less.

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Fair, moderate or good.

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North at zero, south at zero.

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Variable, becoming south, three or four, showers...

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APPLAUSE

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And here comes Leon Niblock, he's from Hebden Bridge.

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He's 22 years old and he loves to groove to the sound

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of a fax machine.

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BEEPING

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And now from Scarborough we have James Knees, and he'll only jive

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to the sounds of someone rifling through their cutlery drawer.

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CLANKING OF CUTLERY

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And from Cleethorpes, it's Howard Belfry

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dancing to a sex education documentary.

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The penis, now stiff, hard and erect,

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may be twice as large or more than it was when unexcited...

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Take the gloves off, mate! You're not a snooker referee!

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And finally, and definitely least, it's Mike Belgrave from Yorkshire,

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and he loves to groove to the smooth sounds of a key being cut.

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WHIRRING OF MACHINERY

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How do you sleep at night?

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APPLAUSE

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Now the moment has come, the judges have worked out

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it's 12 down to six.

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Only five turned up, you prick!

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Here are the six.

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Not again! OK! There's...

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Um, I'm not getting paid enough for this.

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I don't have to put up with this bullshit.

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I'm actually really glad this place is being turned into

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a Carphone Warehouse.

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Northerners are scum!

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Are your parents proud of you?

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They've never said so, have they?!

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Diane Morgan and Joe Wilkinson affectionately parody a television disco dance championship.