The Yorkshire Television Disco Dancing Championships The Archiveologists

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

-HECKLER:

-Up yours, Bates!

Well, hello and welcome to...

-Oi, Bates!

-Thank you!

-You look like a coach driver!

Thank you and welcome to Romeo and Juliet's here in Doncaster

for the Yorkshire Television final of the

Disco Dancing Championships.

Oh, dear! Looks like a fight's broken out.

Never mind! Let's plough on.

We've got an amazing half hour for you.

We've got 12 idiots, all of whom are aching to get into our final,

into our final, which happens, of course, in October.

We have the exciting sounds of Mike Moran...

You tell her, go on, Sue!

And let's get right into it and meet the first of our contestants,

because we've got 12 of them and some of these northerners

can really move.

And here's the first one.

This is Albert Tatlock from Yorkshire.

And he likes to disco dance to the shipping forecast.

Becoming variable, three or less.

Fair, moderate or good.

North at zero, south at zero.

Variable, becoming south, three or four, showers...

APPLAUSE

And here comes Leon Niblock, he's from Hebden Bridge.

He's 22 years old and he loves to groove to the sound

of a fax machine.

BEEPING

And now from Scarborough we have James Knees, and he'll only jive

to the sounds of someone rifling through their cutlery drawer.

CLANKING OF CUTLERY

And from Cleethorpes, it's Howard Belfry

dancing to a sex education documentary.

The penis, now stiff, hard and erect,

may be twice as large or more than it was when unexcited...

Take the gloves off, mate! You're not a snooker referee!

And finally, and definitely least, it's Mike Belgrave from Yorkshire,

and he loves to groove to the smooth sounds of a key being cut.

WHIRRING OF MACHINERY

How do you sleep at night?

APPLAUSE

Now the moment has come, the judges have worked out

it's 12 down to six.

Only five turned up, you prick!

Here are the six.

Not again! OK! There's...

Um, I'm not getting paid enough for this.

I don't have to put up with this bullshit.

I'm actually really glad this place is being turned into

a Carphone Warehouse.

Northerners are scum!

Are your parents proud of you?

They've never said so, have they?!