Episode 4 The Blame Game

inspectors. That's the future by any chance, is it? Jan O'Dowd. Who's to

blame for the lack of a list celebrities and the multitude of

country singers turning on Christmas tree lights? This is Rory from Omagh

town. Yes because you'll get Justin Bieber in Armagh. That's very

insulting to who turned on the lights. Who was it? Lauren. Sorry,

light. In fairness, they didn't ask him to. It's a bit dark! Who's to

blame for the roadworks on the road? I haven't been able to collect my

gyro in two weeks? Who's to blame for Donald Trump non-answering my

calls, Jim Allister. So, what is our first question tonight? Who do you

blame for Christmas coming too early? Yes, it started. The

Christmas ads are in full swing, and this year John Lewis at features

foxes and a badger on a trampoline. The Queen was actually going to buy

one of the trampolines or Prince Philip unless she realised that the

animals and a shot gun ones included. And, after many years of

wrangling, it looks like Northern Ireland might finally get its own

John Lewis store, which is great news because the last time when the

John Lewis store was turned down, culture or was put on suicide watch.

But who can we blame for Christmas coming too early? Us! It's our

fault, I say us... Men. How often does that happen? Christmas doesn't

come early, it can be sent on every year, but how often does it come and

you find yourself as a bloke, the 2nd of December commit no presents

bought, no beer in and you have to go, oh, Christmas has snuck up on me

this year. This whole thing of Christmas ad starting early, it's

like when you've got to get up at $7 you set your alarm for half five.

Because you know that you're going to be pressing snooze for a good 90

minutes, and it is still gets to seven and you go, I'm late. That's

an analogy for what is happening in general with the whole Christmas

being advertised, and I understand it but I also resent it, having said

that. It's not so much the appetising, but the ridiculous

preparations early. I was in my local supermarket in October,

selling stuff on October, mince pies... And the mince pies had a

best before date of November 12. That just made me sad because I

thought somebody's celebrate in Christmas early, that's who's that

fourth. Enemy celebrates it early for a happy reason. No... That and

nobody celebrated early. Grandad's not going to make it this year.

We'll buy some mince pies and will have them in November! Your uncle

John is going back inside! But it's the ads, that's the thing. The Coke

ads, the American Coke ads at Christmas... Holidays are coming!

It's less terrifying than that! That they say it! Holidays are coming...

Holidays are coming... . They said that there were teasing -- tears in

their eyes watching it. I love Coke! It brings a tear to my eye! Holidays

are coming! There is a brilliant ad for Irn-Bru. And he seen it? This is

the Scottish version where you know Christmas is coming. There is an

Irn-Bru and that he been running for a puny years now and it is a Mickey

take of the snowman, right, so it's the same animation,... Walking in

the air! Not that though, a Scottish version. A snowman to my wee boy, a

can of Irn-Bru and they go flying through the air usual thing, and the

snowman see the Irn-Bru and those give us a drink, and they are

flying, drinking, la la la and then he smacks him into a chimney, and

then he drops the can, and drops the child, and flies off. That they

Christmas ad! The true spirit of Christmas, right there. I think the

saddest thing I've seen sold for Christmas, though, and again in my

local supermarket was single slices of Christmas cake. Not even two

slices. A single slice. Who buys a single slice of Christmas cake and

just sits there... Put! Standing on one end of a cracker... LAUGHTER

This is what I get for having Christmas in November! It's the

presence you get bought, presents you need to be careful. Now,

presence you get bored, I get bought a joke book, right? LAUGHTER

Now, anyone who has watched this show... It's not funny. Anyone who

has watched this show for ten years knows I don't do jokes. They will

know that for a fact. I had put it away and forgotten about it. May you

shouldn't. I forgot about it for three years and then I gave it back

to the person... Who gave it to me. Is that why it's frosty between the

two of you? You would have got away with it, except they inscribed the

fly list to Jake happy Christmas 1989. I got a top man voucher. A top

man voucher, right question mark and 50. I quite literally can't give it

away without looking like a paedophile. Can you imagine going to

top man with... Yes, indeed, the Christmas market is

back in Belfast. Apparently if you post a letter to Santa Claus from

the market you are guaranteed a reply. I'm not so sure. I sent a

letter weeks ago asking Santa if he was a categoric Protestant? I still

haven't heard anything back! So what is our next question? Who do you

blame for wasting money? Good News, Northern Ireland in of the Autumn

Statement, Northern Ireland got an extra ?250 million. The assembly

will decide how to spend the money. So half will go to vital

infrastructure projects, and the other half to Dee Stitt's flute

band. LAUGHTER And there is controversy in Britain

as it emerged that the cost of repairing Buckingham Palace was ?369

million. To be honest, we're lucky Buckingham Palace is in London

because if it was in Northern Ireland, NAMA would have sold it for

40 grand in cash and a year's supplier of cheese and onion crisps.

Northern Ireland cheese and onion, the good stuff! But who can we blame

for wasting money? I said last week, the exchange, because they gave it a

green light. Typical Northern Ireland, give a green light but no

money for it. I asked Sander. I asked Sander on the radio and he

sent us ?250 million. There is a Santa! I blame the politicians, I

blame the assembly, the imbeciles that we call MLAs. Leave aside the

3.5 million that never happened on that stadium. There was 16 million

on the education and skills and -- education skills authority, that

didn't happen. Leave it to the site. 21 million wasted on Cadell. Forget

about red sky, NAMA, social investment funds that were going

through right now, and renewable energy fund that will cost up to ?1

billion that we will be going through in the next three months,

and that will be put to the site. I'm not saying our politicians are

corrupt... LAUGHTER They are too stupid to be corrupt!

That's what I'm saying, this is unbelievable, and the thing is still

going on, Dee Stitt hasn't gone away, you know. We Dee Stitt was

supposed to stand down and didn't. Even Arlene couldn't frighten Dee

Stitt to stand down. And she can frighten most men do stand down,

right? Soap de's on his last written warning. Can you imagine? How to

choose who is going to give him that letter! All right, lads, pick a

straw. Biggest draw. How would you? If you are Dee Stitt... Look,

there's Arlene! Not me! Not me! You said 370 million quid to refurbish

bragging rights. Isn't it time that he downsizes, now? All the kids are

gone... She's 90, her man's 95. She is got 775 rooms. Just open plan!

Knock through. Do what most normal people do in that situation, too

many real scummy unit they view of them out. Basically when she goes on

holiday she goes on Prince Charles's renting a rooms out, and turn it

into a air B She won't move out, she said it would be more expensive

to move them out, because it is big so they will work. They will live on

the other end, and as they finish a bet they will move around, and I

like the idea of a Queen having somebody builders in. She, anyone?

Derby two sugars, love! 775 rooms. Yeah? The Cluedo version of that...

You'd never solve it, would you? If Prince Charles were example wanted

to kill somebody... I actually wanted is not to get the job, but

you went to my dark, that's fine. They are talking about putting the

rates on and certain people are exempt, Churchill are exempt, church

halls, parish halls don't have to pay any business rates anywhere,

like charity shops don't have to pay them. They do. Dave want them to. --

they want them to. I think there should be a flag tax... Somebody

suggested it and I thought it was a genius idea. Every single flag that

is up, no matter who butted up, whatever side it is on, whatever

colour it is, someone gets a bill. Stop at random, somebody on the

street, there's 50 quid a bill. For what? That. And Ron! It so much more

exciting living here, I live in a little village in Essex, and the

current hot button topic that finance is it's going to cost quite

a lot to drain the duck pond. There have been some divisions on the

parish council! Who's going to pick up the bill?! LAUGHTER

That could restart the troubles! The biggest waste of money in this

jurisdiction. In Northern Ireland, ?1 billion over renewable energies.

Let me get this straight, everywhere else in the UK there was a cap, here

they said let's not put a cap on it. Put another blue badge on the fire.

There is no way. Farmers are being paid to delete empty barns. They

will grant us more money for the more he continues. If it is

renewable energy? If Jesus comes back to Northern Ireland, it is a

good thing. If he's born in a stable, it will be heated. Arlene

Foster was the minister concerned. When she was asked why, she said it

was the civil service's fault. She could not be expected to know the

details. Basically what I thought politicians were elected to do. Call

me old-fashioned! She would be great on The Prentice. Well I was just

project manager. Martin McGuinness would be great on that show. Thank

you very much for that, the refurbishment of Buckingham Palace

will take ten years to complete. Only supposed to take three years,

they remembered after Brexit Polish plumbers will be in short supply!

What is our next question? Who do you blame for Heinz beans? A recent

advert showed you how to drum a tune on an empty can. After I eat a tin

of beans, the last thing I need is more percussion! In the advert,

Heinz issued simple instructions how to use an empty can, wash it, take

it up, beat it, also the name of the new Fifty Shades Of Grey movie. He

can we blame for Heinz been? You said in the effort they gave the

safety advice, but they did not, that is why it was banned. They hit

it often is. Playing the music. People complain. No safety advice in

the particular advert. Nine people rung up, saying it is very

dangerous. That is how they'll talk. It is very dangerous. What is the up

a child from taking the can and shoving it up the hole? You just

don't know, it does not save the advert, you just don't know. A long

line of children walking in and out, I have a Canon up my hole, the Echo

effect. What happens of the child cuts off the top, then lets the rim.

Coming off their tongue. I have no time for us it is just moronic. Some

people say should be banned, some people say there is a good effort.

Absolutely legal! -- lethal! Is the safety issue, if you do not stop

banging that tin, I will break your fingers? That seems to be the safety

issue. It is clever. That is not the health and safety issue of the week,

that is the farmer. Have you seen this question he turns up to the

place, disposing hazardous material. He had four kilograms, about ten lbs

in old money. Cyanide. On his farm. Enough to take out the whole county.

About 70 or 80,000 people in Ross County. He could have killed all of

them. Do you remember the old days, when a farmer had something that

could take out the whole county, just fertiliser, the good old days.

He said he used to use it in the 70s, he used to use cyanide to kill

rabbits, and landmines to kill foxes! He had it, gave it away, the

right thing to do. It is the any constituency in the whole Republican

voting against equal marriage, what was he planning to do? I have an

ingredient for you... A lot of people complain, health and safety

gone mad. It is not, people are stupid, that is why health and

safety legislation. Somebody did it, that is the reason they often bring

it in. If you buy an electronic device, there is little bag of

silicone gel, and written on it, do not eat them that is because some

cars -- ass hole eight the silicone gel.

Any hired a lawyer, he said nobody told him not to eat it. -- has eaten

the silicon gel. You are right about people being morons. Don't point. I

am agreeing with you. You know the sign in the airport on the

travelator, face direction of travel. I was on it with my friend,

it said that, he looked at me, we were flying to France. But I don't

know which way is East. Thank you for that. Yes, bags of salad can

cause food poisoning. And advert warning of the dangers of eating

salad has gone out all across the UK, apart from Stormont. The PS and

I will wear permanent body cameras, on the whole time the police officer

is on duty. Republicans are suspicious, human rights groups are

concerned, and chip shop owners are delighted with the free publicity.

If you would like to ask the panel the question, e-mail us. What is our

next question tonight? Who do you blame for an Ulster man's Castle

being his car. An Ulsterman bought a Ferrari for ?1.6 million. Goes from

0- 60 in three seconds. 0- 60 in one hour a half when it is on the West

Link. To be honest, I don't need a ?1.6 million car from my manhood is

a normal size. He can be blamed for an Ulsterman's Castle being his

carcass you are taller than normal, it probably look small. That is the

thing this men who buy, especially particularly red racing cars, this

one was a red Ferrari, they are somehow compensating for something

else lacking in their life. They did research on this, they found that it

is actually true, they asked the selection and then you only

supercars, what they thought about the downstairs region, is it, do you

know what I mean.... Or was it average? The majority said, short of

average. The other one was saying, the holidays are coming. Some ideas.

-- somebody is! The majority of these men thought they were slightly

above average. Then they asked the partners of the people who moan

because, and they said the complete opposite. 0- 60 in three seconds,

cost 1.6 million, he is Philip Shields, he owns 15 Ferrari 's. He

lives in County Down. His address is... West Belfast suddenly tuned

in. He has a massive garage. He has a massive red Ferrari, the need to

overcompensate, look at me. I don't, I have a small black felt Lagan

Paulo. 1.2, ladies. -- small black Volkswagen Polo. His road tax is

?1100 a year. If you can afford 1.6 million, you just go, whatever. He

has bought another one, it is insane. He has 15. The speed limit

is 70 mph. My Volkswagen Polo will go 70. And I have a big... I met a

guy who had a Ferrari, not a mad expensive one, it was from the

1980s, exactly the same as Magnum PI. I don't know him well, he said

he was in a back country lane in Ireland, he got pulled over by a

Guard, who said it is your car? Yes, it is. Give us a go! Feet got in the

car, left him, took. He did not go with him? He just took the car for

20 minutes, came back, lovely. 259 Carfax in Derry -- car thefts in

Derry? How desperate people to get out? Thought you were doing a

headline, none stolen in Clare. -- a nun. There is no traffic there. If

you are in the county from you would say, get in, getting boys. -- get

in, boys. Thank you for that. Just time for

this week's news. I will read you various newspaper headlines, I want

you to be faster than a joyrider in a ?1.16 Ferrari. Calling Carl

Frampton a divorce. -- a dwarf. Tim McGarry to star in the next Fifty

Shades Of Grey. Not a few other dolphin! -- if you

are a dolphin. If they do, this'll be the last of

this show. Barra best takes acid before the

weather forecast. It would be easier than building

Casement Park. Katie Hopkins autobiography

released. APPLAUSE.

That is it, the end of the show, show your appreciation for the

panel. I am Tim McGarry, until next week,

don't blame yourselves, blame each other! Goodbye.

Who knows where it's going to take me?

Maybe I'm related to a few criminals.