Episode 1 The Blame Game


Episode 1

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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! Hello and welcome to the brand-new series of The Blame Game.

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Yes, like party election broadcasts, we're back!

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LAUGHTER And unlike election broadcasts, people actually want to watch us.

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Yes, this show is hot. It's hotter than a DUP farmer's barn.

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I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,

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Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And our special guest tonight is an actor, a bestselling author,

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a blogger and a multi-award-winning stand-up comedian,

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ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Janey Godley!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

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we are in the wonderful Burnavon Theatre in Cookstown.

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Ah, yes, Cookstown, the Las Vegas of County Tyrone.

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Cookstown is the fourth largest town in Tyrone and bills itself as

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the retail capital of Mid Ulster.

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What a boast that is, ladies and gentlemen!

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Yes, New York may be the city that never sleeps,

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but Cookstown is the town that never runs out of sausages.

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Cookstown even has its own unofficial slogan.

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"Looking good, looking great!"

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Looking good, fair enough, but then, Cookstown,

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don't take this the wrong way, I think you've overreached yourselves.

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Clearly, what's happened is someone came up with the slogan "looking good,"

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then went to a pub for a liquid lunch, came out and went,

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"Feck it, it's looking great now!"

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I'm joking, it's a wonderful place, Cookstown.

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Sinn Fein leader Michelle O'Neill comes from the tiny village of

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Clonoe, which is close to Cookstown.

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Michelle believes that there will soon be a united Ireland.

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On the other hand,

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Michelle also believes that Cookstown is the big smoke.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, on with the show, the audience asks the questions and our

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panel provide some very unreliable answers.

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So, one of you, the audience in Cookstown, asked us tonight,

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who's to blame for the large number of Welsh rugby players on the

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recently named Lions team? AUDIENCE GROANS

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Says Arnold from Tandragee.

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Good to know we have a cross-community audience there.

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LAUGHTER

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Who's to blame for Buckfast Easter eggs being discontinued?

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LAUGHTER

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That's another Catholic there, obviously.

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Who's to blame for the chihuahua being arrested in Lurgan this week

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for jaywalking and serious anger issues?

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You know why he was so angry?

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Because they discontinued Buckfast Easter eggs in Lurgan.

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It was a chihuahua, the cops were on a patrol and he was an unattended chihuahua,

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jaywalking in the middle of the road in Lurgan,

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no collar, no nothing and they jumped out of the car

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to get him and...

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They climbed slowly out of the car.

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And they attacked him, so they arrested him. And...

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Yeah, so, he's done for the assault, the police officer, and jaywalking!

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We called him Nigel, they christened him Nigel.

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Yeah, they said in the paper,

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we called him Nigel cos he looked like a Nigel.

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That was it!

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OK, what is our first question tonight?

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Who do you blame for snap elections?

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Yes, Theresa May promised again and again

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that she would not call a snap election.

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And then she called a snap election.

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I mean, seriously, if you can't trust the word of a politician,

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who can you trust?

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So, the people of Northern Ireland have to go to the polls yet again.

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It's exactly the seventh time in the last few years that we've had

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to go and mark our ballot papers. Most people are fed up voting.

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On the plus side, we vote so often here, that pretty soon,

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we'll all be able to claim DLA for repetitive strain injury.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But who can we blame for the snap election?

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It's well named. Snap.

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Cos that's just about what I'm going to do if I hear one more election.

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Yous all rose up in a wave of apathy,

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disinterest and disgust, you know what I mean?

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Because we're just after the Assembly election, where we went out

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and we voted for a wonderful bunch of people into the Assembly.

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Great men and women, who rolled their sleeves up

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and went straight home.

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LAUGHTER

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But what really annoys me, do you know what they did a week ago?

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They took an Easter break!

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How can you take an Easter break when you're doing nothing?

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How do you manage, do you get put in a coma or something?

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So you can tell the difference! It's... No, no, no...

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No, no, this, this, this, this sums it up.

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Did yous all get one of these? This is where you're living.

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They sent - Rates sent us out all a letter.

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Everyone in the whole country got a letter from the Rates Department,

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telling us that, "We will not be collecting your rates.

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"Due to the situation." Right? Right? 40,000 quid that cost.

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40,000 quid, to tell us what we already knew!

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Is there going to be an avalanche of these now?

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Are you going to have other ones coming out?

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"Dear Mary, sorry but we will be able to fund your heating.

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"Here's a blanket."

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"Dear Mickey, we won't be doing your heart operation.

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"Here's a list of undertakers."

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LAUGHTER

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Any Shinners in?

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The Shinners have been out registering everybody with a pulse,

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since the last election, and some of them don't even have a pulse.

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They're out and I've just... I've just... Forget it!

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I've got a solution, here's my solution. Direct rule. Direct rule.

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-That one's popular (!)

-LAUGHTER

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I haven't finished! Not from Westminster.

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North Korea!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Yes! I want Kim Jong-un or whatever they call him, the wee guy.

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I know he's a lunatic who probably plays with his own poo,

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right, fair enough.

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But he's better than the lunatics we have.

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I mean, we're so alike. You think about this.

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Korea, divided, North and South.

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We're divided, North and South.

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We love parades. They love parades.

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Who does better parades better than wee Kim?

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But see Gerry Adams, if I hear Gerry Adams once more,

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"We want reunification."

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"Will the South, will you take us back, please? Please?

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"Will you take us back?"

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Kim Jong-un's got the right idea! Bomb them! That's what I say!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Forget about this election.

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You shouldn't have had the last, the last Assembly election.

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Because you had, what? You had 108 seats, right? And then it was going to go down to 90 MLAs,

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so you needed to get 90 MLAs or 18 people were going to lose their seats.

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So, what you should have done, no election,

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you get lads from United Airlines to come in...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And if that doesn't do it, nothing'll do it.

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Scotland's had loads of elections as well, haven't you?

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You've had your referendum and then you've had council elections and...

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We had the general election that time,

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then we have the referendum, then we had the Brexit,

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now we're about to have the local council elections,

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then another election.

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I've literally made more decisions about who is gonnae govern me

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than I have about contraception.

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LAUGHTER

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I can no longer pick anybody else that's annoyed me.

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We just keep going through them.

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And of course, it was really bizarre because two weeks ago

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Nicola Sturgeon says "We're going to have another referendum,"

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and, you know, Big Theresa, as I like to call her, Big Theresa said,

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"Now is not the time!"

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And we're were like, "Oh, OK."

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She went, "But now I'm gonnae have an election."

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And it's like she's organised a party but then Nicola's went,

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"I'm having a party," and she's like, "No, I'm having a party now."

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And then we're having another election.

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Then we're gonnae have the local elections and then we're gonnae

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have a Scottish Referendum, then we're gonnae get independence,

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then we never have to see another Tory face in my country.

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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But the best Brexit protest so far, I think, has to be

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Martina Anderson, the Sinn Fein MEP who went to the parliament,

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Martina gave them a rendition of The Men Behind The Wire.

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As you do...

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I didn't see this!

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Martina Anderson said... "British pigs couldn't give us a border,"

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and then she said, "Theresa, you can stick your border where the sun don't shine."

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And I thought to myself, that is not going to work.

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How can you have the border in Portrush?

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APPLAUSE Didn't you hear that?

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Do you know who I feel sorry for? Your man, Robin Swann.

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Oh, the new leader of the Ulster Unionist Party, Robin...

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Yeah, but he's only in ten days.

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Ten days in the job and now he has to do a general election.

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Like, if you change your mobile phone contract,

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you get 14 days to change your mind.

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I feel sorry for Jeremy Corbyn because he was really ill-prepared

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for this election coming up on Theresa May's calendar

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because he's never really been the most forceful of guys.

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I know that Theresa May is refusing to take part in any of the debates

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and I... I mean...

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How scared must you be to not want to argue with Jeremy Corbyn?

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I mean, I'm a Glaswegian woman.

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I could stare him out on a street, you know what I mean?

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I could see him in the distance just going round a corner and go...

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..and he'd be like, "I've changed my mind", and just run.

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A lot of women find Jeremy Corbyn very sexually attractive, you know?

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-Mature man, grey-haired...

-Why, because he's grey-haired?

-Grey beard... Mm.

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What's not to like, you know?

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Quite a lot.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

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So what is our next question tonight?

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Who do you blame for United Airlines?

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Yes, a doctor was physically dragged off a United Airlines flight.

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He suffered concussion, bruising and the loss of two teeth.

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You think that's bad?

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On a flight to London I once had to sit beside Gregory Campbell.

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While the doctor was being physically dragged down the aisle

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of the plane, he was clearly in distress, so his fellow passengers

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immediately leapt into action

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and set their phones to video.

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A PSNI officer who saw the footage said it was absolutely disgraceful

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and said you should never, ever assault someone

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in front of witnesses.

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But who can we blame for United Airlines?

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I think that you can easily blame anybody rowing about somebody

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when you're dead... I've done it myself, Tim.

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I've been on a flight and you know yourself,

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you've sat there and you put your armrest down

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and then some man's went, "That's also my armrest as well",

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and then you've had to have quite a quiet staring competition

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where you just go, "Really? Really?"

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Elbow him in the chest, get your armrest,

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set out your territory, set your stall out,

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punch him in the face, just go, "I'm sorry, it's my hormones."

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That's not done. Sit down quietly, open a book,

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read it, and then behind you, as what happened to me,

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it's a bunch of Glaswegians were all going on their holidays,

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you know the young kids, and they were all like...

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HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING

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"And the Snapchat and the Twitter!" And they were all stood up

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and screaming and I thought,

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"You know what? I'm gonnae have to deal with this because the staff aren't dealing with it."

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So I stood up and turned round and went, "Sit down, you bunch of dicks!

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"If I have to come up here..."

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The smell of chlamydia and Lynx Africa would have killed you,

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and they're all just standing in the aisle and nobody would do what they were told,

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so it's my job now to fix this, because I'm a Glaswegian

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and it's my job to fix every crowd that goes wrong, so I get up

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and I scream, "Sit down or I'm gonnae come up there and stab you!"

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And I ruined everybody's holiday, everybody sat down quietly

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and I'm still standing, I had foam here and here.

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My tits were roasting, I was dead angry.

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I'm still screaming and then the staff came down and went,

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"Could you please sit down?"

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And I realised that I was actually the lunatic on the plane.

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And I had literally felt like dragging three people off

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with their hair. I did.

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You guys must've... Yous must have done that.

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You've travelled. You're comics.

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You must have sat on a plane, wanted a wee bit of P and Q,

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and some eejit has started with their...

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And you know what I don't get? Look at this face.

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Does this face say, there's a woman that wants a chitchat?

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LAUGHTER

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The worst thing that ever happened on a flight is my daughter finally got me back for all the teasing,

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and to this day, and you would think nothing would embarrass me,

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my God, we were flying to New Zealand to do the comedy festival

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and these guys came on and they were a cycling team

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and they had on the tight Lycra with the bums right there

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and Ashley was here and I was here and I was busying about

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and the guy went to put his bag up in the locker.

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She took my hand and stuck it right on his bum.

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I was not prepared for it and the guy turned and she let go

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and I was like...

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And Ashley went, "Mum...

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"You said you'd stop this."

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It was horrible.

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APPLAUSE

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Of all airlines in the world, the one airline that has got it sorted,

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all of this behaviour, is Aer Lingus, right?

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Because Aer Lingus,

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long haul flights always have an older cabin crew who...

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And it's basically the mammy on the plane and she's got the cardigan

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and she's very efficient and very, "Morning, morning",

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very nice, but as soon as anybody does anything out of the ordinary...

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"Enough of that." And that's all she does.

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I was on a plane, seriously, and there were a couple of boys,

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just a bit sort of, "Wahey!" And she just went on,

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she went, "Morning, morning. Breakfast, breakfast...

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"You're getting nothin'!

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"Till you behave yourself!"

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And then walked on. And the two of them were like lambs.

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I was on an Aer Lingus plane where I actually had something there

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and she spat on a hanky and wiped it off my face.

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Your man said, the guy who was thrown off the plane,

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-who's a doctor...

-Dr Dao.

-Yeah, Vietnamese doctor,

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and he said, he lived through the Vietnam War

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and he said it was worse than the Vietnam war, more terrifying than the Vietnam war.

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And you're going, "Really?" Do you think he's going to have flashbacks to this?

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He'll be lying in bed and go...

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"Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?"

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HE GASPS

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"Oh, my God! I had the worst dream ever. They had no red wine."

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-That's called having a good lawyer.

-The cabin crew missed something.

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-That's having a good lawyer to tell him that. Sorry?

-The cabin crew missed an opportunity

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because when that guy got pulled off the plane

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a lot of people on the plane don't know what's going on,

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so you have an opportunity there.

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if I was cabin crew, I'd just get the intercom

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and just go, "You'll all take off your headphones when I'm doing the safety announcement NOW, won't you?"

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No, see, if I had been him being dragged off the plane,

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what I would have said is, "Right, well, I'm going to leave the bomb here, then!"

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Everybody would be off that plane.

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Because that's exactly what happened.

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People were filming the thing.

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Because that's people's first reaction now.

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And this guy, they'd made repeated attempts to get him to leave,

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which he shouldn't have done because he'd bought a ticket, why the hell should he leave?

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And he made repeated attempts to stay where he was. They said no.

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It went on and on and on, and then all of a sudden

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it escalated and, you know, any normal, decent human being,

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I genuinely think if this had been here, there would have been somebody

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that would have stood up and went, "Oh, for... Right!

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"They can have my seat. I'll wait for the next one.

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"Leave the man alone, for Christ's sake! I'm trying to get home."

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You know, it would be normal, sensible behaviour,

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instead of the Americans going, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

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"Oh, my Go-o-od!

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"Chicken, please."

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That's all they did. It was horrendous.

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APPLAUSE

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-They poisoned me.

-Who?

-United Airlines.

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-I asked for a coeliac-free meal and they gave me gluten.

-Hold on, whoa.

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-That's where you went wrong, asking for a coeliac-free meal.

-Gluten-free!

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But they gave me whatever it was, gluten-free meal

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and they gave me gluten and...

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-You're gluten-intolerant, just to be clear for the people who don't care...

-Very sick, very sick.

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See, when I was a kid, in Glasgow, see, nobody...

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We didnae have any children that were born with nut allergies

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or gluten problems or milk intolerance.

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See if there was, we let them die cos they were inconvenient.

0:16:530:16:56

What, a child in Glasgow that cannae eat bread?

0:16:590:17:02

"No, Margaret, just leave it out in the hills, see what happens."

0:17:020:17:05

Belfast was buzzing last week as word spread that Hollywood superstar

0:17:080:17:11

Morgan Freeman was wandering around the city looking for somewhere

0:17:110:17:15

to shoot his next blockbuster movie,

0:17:150:17:17

and Cookstown was buzzing today

0:17:170:17:18

as word spread that Jake O'Kane was wandering around town looking for somewhere to buy a gluten-free bun.

0:17:180:17:24

So what's our next question tonight?

0:17:270:17:29

Our next question is, who do you blame for know-it-alls?

0:17:290:17:32

Yes, a student from Cookstown

0:17:320:17:34

made it to the final of University Challenge.

0:17:340:17:37

Sadly, however, there were absolutely no questions

0:17:370:17:40

about sausages, so he wasn't much use.

0:17:400:17:42

Paul Cosgrove is studying at Cambridge University for

0:17:430:17:46

a PhD in nuclear reactor physics and we hope it goes well for you, Paul.

0:17:460:17:51

Just remember, there's always a job for you in the Blue Circle cement factory.

0:17:510:17:55

Paul's hobbies are swimming, drinking,

0:17:570:18:00

coding and doing his PhD.

0:18:000:18:02

Exactly like me, apart from the swimming, coding and PhD stuff.

0:18:020:18:05

But who can we blame for know-it-alls?

0:18:070:18:09

I was following the whole of University Challenge. I'm a big fan.

0:18:090:18:14

And he was on Monkman's team.

0:18:140:18:17

Monkman has become this sort of internet phenomenon.

0:18:170:18:20

He's a Canadian, incredibly intelligent,

0:18:200:18:22

weird-looking Canadian guy who's very intense

0:18:220:18:24

and when he answers a question, he's very aggressive about his answers,

0:18:240:18:28

even though the answer might not be an aggressive thing, like,

0:18:280:18:31

he actually buzzed in and went, "Tranquillity!" That just sort of...

0:18:310:18:34

He's very aggressive.

0:18:350:18:37

And Cosgrove was his right-hand man, or his left-arm man.

0:18:370:18:40

He was great, he was really... I was very impressed.

0:18:400:18:43

Didn't realise he was from Cookstown, actually,

0:18:430:18:45

until about the semifinal when he said, "I'm Cosgrove, from Cookstown"

0:18:450:18:49

and I went, "Holy..." And he's doing a PhD in physics.

0:18:490:18:53

His sister goes to Cambridge as well, right? Two of them.

0:18:530:18:55

You've got two of them in the family! There's only two of them.

0:18:550:18:58

Now, this was reported in the local paper, right,

0:18:580:19:00

in the Tyrone Citizen, right?

0:19:000:19:03

-No, Tyrone... What's the name of the...

-AUDIENCE: Courier!

-Courier!

0:19:030:19:07

-That's the one.

-Imagine not knowing that, Colin! God! I know!

0:19:070:19:10

But it was reported, the whole story about Paul Cosgrove

0:19:110:19:14

and his sister goes to the thing as well,

0:19:140:19:16

and there was one comment at the bottom of the story,

0:19:160:19:18

one comment, that's all there was, just one comment,

0:19:180:19:20

and not everyone is as proud of Paul as the rest of us seem to be.

0:19:200:19:25

One outraged Tyrone person said,

0:19:250:19:27

"Screw this guy. What sort of an asshole only has one sibling?"

0:19:270:19:32

That's what he said!

0:19:320:19:33

Somebody sitting at home, "That boy's not from Tyrone, he's only got one sister!

0:19:350:19:39

"You need to five or six people in your family to be from Tyrone, boy."

0:19:390:19:43

And they were going to see it and I was... How many people watched it?

0:19:430:19:46

Because... Did any people watch?

0:19:460:19:49

Nobody watched it! I had visions of people in London and the BBC

0:19:490:19:52

looking at the tremendous spike in interest in University Challenge in Tyrone this year.

0:19:520:19:57

"Marvellous, intelligent people."

0:19:570:19:58

And everybody sat at home going... Did you ever try answering...

0:19:580:20:01

I love University Challenge,

0:20:010:20:02

but the sense of pride you get when you answer anything

0:20:020:20:05

is unbelievable.

0:20:050:20:07

And everybody gets that face, you know the face in Father Ted

0:20:070:20:09

when Mrs Doyle's trying to remember Todd Unctious's name, right?

0:20:090:20:12

And when she actually remembers his name and she goes, "Todd Unctious"

0:20:120:20:15

and then he goes, "Yeah", and she goes...

0:20:150:20:17

That's the face that everyone pulls when they get something right.

0:20:170:20:20

"Would it be blue?" "Blue."

0:20:200:20:22

"Mm-hmm!"

0:20:220:20:24

And everyone else in your sitting room goes, "Ooooh!"

0:20:240:20:27

That's the way it happens.

0:20:270:20:28

And I had visions of people in Tyrone watching this,

0:20:280:20:30

because you know, people have misconceptions about people from

0:20:300:20:33

certain parts of the world and a misconception of people from Tyrone

0:20:330:20:36

might be that they're all just interested in Cookstown sausages

0:20:360:20:40

and Moy Park chicken and...

0:20:400:20:42

"ga".

0:20:420:20:44

And only three of those things are right.

0:20:440:20:47

But people from Tyrone watching that, sitting at home, going,

0:20:470:20:50

"Is it Pericles? The answer's Pericles!"

0:20:500:20:53

"Pi to the power of 42. 42!

0:20:530:20:55

"Jesus Christ, Monkman! Are you listening to me at all?"

0:20:550:20:58

"Fibonacci sequence, I'm telling you, it's the fuckin' Fibonacci sequence.

0:20:580:21:02

"Stick on the kettle, this hoor knows nothing." It's just...

0:21:020:21:04

But his reaction to it, he was asked about it,

0:21:060:21:08

how he felt about being involved in the final of University challenge

0:21:080:21:12

and I think this is a peculiarly, genuinely,

0:21:120:21:16

I do think this is a peculiarly Tyrone thing.

0:21:160:21:18

There's an understatement here.

0:21:180:21:19

You can't get above yourself here, right? I'm convinced of this.

0:21:190:21:23

I've played here many times and the idea that people go,

0:21:230:21:26

because there is that sort of...

0:21:260:21:28

A farmer here would never admit that they'd won the lottery,

0:21:280:21:30

for instance, know what I mean? Everybody would know he's won it

0:21:300:21:33

and you'd go up to him and go, "How you doing?"

0:21:330:21:35

"Oh, not so bad, you know."

0:21:350:21:37

"Just as long as you have your health, that's the main thing, isn't it, aye?" Do you know?

0:21:390:21:44

So his...

0:21:440:21:46

APPLAUSE

0:21:460:21:48

There's another one. There was a cattle dealer.

0:21:490:21:51

This is a couple of years ago. The case was this year

0:21:510:21:53

but there was a cattle dealer and he was kidnapped, right,

0:21:530:21:56

and held captive in Omagh.

0:21:560:21:57

You think being kidnapped isn't bad enough - held captive in Omagh.

0:21:570:22:01

And they demanded 400 grand from his father, so they rang his dad,

0:22:020:22:06

right, and said,

0:22:060:22:07

"We want 400 grand or we're going to cut your son's fingers off",

0:22:070:22:10

and genuinely, this is what the dad said to the kidnappers.

0:22:100:22:15

He said, "Cut away."

0:22:150:22:18

That's what he said, and hung up.

0:22:180:22:21

-I like that.

-That's here. This is here.

0:22:210:22:23

This is them. That's what they're like.

0:22:230:22:27

-"Cut away."

-They've a quiet confidence, quiet confidence.

0:22:270:22:29

Dan O'Neill. Is there any O'Neills in?

0:22:290:22:31

Dan O'Neill, he's a clan O'Neill and they went to Rome recently,

0:22:310:22:34

the front of the paper, local paper,

0:22:340:22:36

and he got brought up to the front, the Pope was there - did you see it?

0:22:360:22:39

To meet the Pope and he was having a wee bit of a laugh with the Pope

0:22:390:22:42

and the Pope took his wee hat off

0:22:420:22:44

and put it on Dan's head and says, "That suits you."

0:22:440:22:46

Now, anybody else would melt. They'd be going...

0:22:460:22:48

HE STAMMERS

0:22:480:22:50

Dan... "Bless you, father."

0:22:500:22:52

APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:56

Fair play to Dan. Dan's the man. Dan's the man.

0:23:000:23:03

We are in the home of the Cookstown sizzle, of course,

0:23:030:23:05

-the famous sausages.

-Sausage. Oh!

-We have great sausages here.

0:23:050:23:08

-Geordie Best used to advertise them a long time ago.

-I like the idea.

0:23:080:23:11

-George Best advertised a sausage?

-Aye.

0:23:110:23:14

Hang on a minute,

0:23:140:23:15

did he just go on telly and hold, like, a big link sausage like that?

0:23:150:23:18

-Basically.

-On the end of a fork, yeah.

0:23:180:23:20

And why did nobody ever tell me this before?

0:23:200:23:22

That's the funniest, sexiest thing ever,

0:23:220:23:24

just a man with a big giant sausage going, "Eat a sausage."

0:23:240:23:28

And yous kept this a secret

0:23:280:23:29

and you told me that shit about University Challenge!

0:23:290:23:32

This is understated here.

0:23:350:23:36

Just, "What are we going to do to sell Cookstown sausages?"

0:23:360:23:39

And they got some, probably some big ad executive in from Dublin

0:23:390:23:41

or Belfast, "We've got a great idea, were going to do this,

0:23:410:23:44

"going to do that, there's going to be explosions, going to be amazing, fantastic"

0:23:440:23:47

and then a boy goes, "Should we not get a footballer just to hold a sausage?"

0:23:470:23:50

That is brilliant! That wouldn't work in Glasgow.

0:23:500:23:53

I mean, we have square sausage.

0:23:530:23:54

Imagine Jimmy Johnson just standing with a square of meat going, "Yay."

0:23:540:23:59

-Square sausage.

-Square sausage?

-Why not?

0:24:000:24:02

-You can't have a square sausage.

-It has to fit in the bread. Why?

0:24:020:24:05

Why would you have a big thing that's long and roly-poly...

0:24:050:24:07

-Because that's a sausage!

-No, that's not!

0:24:070:24:10

A sausage is! It's not a square!

0:24:100:24:12

You would have to suggest that all other sausages in the world are in this sausage shape,

0:24:120:24:15

-that's why it's a sausage.

-No!

0:24:150:24:18

A square sausage is what we have in Scotland and it fits on the bread

0:24:180:24:21

and maybe I might have some Asperger's thing

0:24:210:24:24

but I like the idea that...

0:24:240:24:26

A square sausage! And you people want independence?

0:24:260:24:29

I'll tell you what was missed here.

0:24:320:24:34

It is a centre of education here,

0:24:340:24:35

no wonder the man was on University Challenge,

0:24:350:24:38

is the police training college.

0:24:380:24:40

Oh, yeah, Desertcreat, PSNI training college.

0:24:400:24:42

Missed opportunity? Not here.

0:24:420:24:44

There was an article yesterday, I think it was, in the paper

0:24:440:24:47

about words that police recruits are being told you can and cannot use.

0:24:470:24:52

-Sausage?

-Square sausage was not on the list.

-OK, just checking.

0:24:520:24:56

It was terms that you should or shouldn't use when dealing

0:24:560:24:58

with members of the public.

0:24:580:25:00

With members of the Catholic, nationalist community and

0:25:000:25:03

the Protestant, loyalist community, these were unacceptable terms.

0:25:030:25:07

Now, these had to be told and explained to the cops, right?

0:25:070:25:10

"When taking statements, do not use the words

0:25:100:25:12

"chuckie, Fenian, taig, Tim, Mick, Paddy...

0:25:120:25:16

"Free Stater or sponger."

0:25:160:25:18

That sounds like my in-laws are here.

0:25:200:25:23

Acceptable terms were "Catholic."

0:25:240:25:26

Unacceptable terms for a Protestant or a Presbyterian were

0:25:280:25:31

"Hun, black man, Prod, orangey...

0:25:310:25:35

"Jaffa, bluenose, snout and flag hag."

0:25:350:25:39

-This just...

-Flag hag?

0:25:390:25:42

You told me earlier that you would be very offended by the word Fenian.

0:25:420:25:46

Yeah, in Glasgow you can't say the word Fenian. It's like a really...

0:25:460:25:49

-You wrote a very rude word on a piece of lino!

-I know! I know.

0:25:490:25:52

-Trump wasn't a Fenian, though.

-Yeah.

0:25:520:25:54

-He is.

-Well, he's certainly orange.

0:25:560:25:59

Um...

0:26:020:26:03

The word Fenian in Glasgow is...

0:26:030:26:05

My daughter was christened a Catholic

0:26:050:26:08

and she gets called a Fenian quite a lot and she tells everybody

0:26:080:26:11

that her mum's Protestant, her dad's Catholic,

0:26:110:26:14

so technically she's a Fenian Hun, which is Fun for short.

0:26:140:26:17

She'll be raging I stole her joke, but yet again, she hurt me in 1986.

0:26:200:26:25

But the word Fenian is very, very offensive in Glasgow

0:26:260:26:30

if you shout it at people and I had to explain that

0:26:300:26:33

it's not an offensive word but you cannot say it.

0:26:330:26:37

If I go up... You know what I'll do?

0:26:370:26:39

Next time I'm in Glasgow, I'll live stream it

0:26:390:26:41

and I'll show the word Fenian

0:26:410:26:42

and you can all watch and see people going...

0:26:420:26:44

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

0:26:460:26:49

APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:52

Thank you for that. Just time for a quickfire round.

0:26:520:26:54

I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be

0:26:540:26:57

faster than the PSNI building a training college in Cookstown.

0:26:570:27:01

Muttering to himself, "Damn, I thought Shawshank was depressing."

0:27:050:27:09

Ah, she'll bounce back.

0:27:130:27:14

Has been re-routed by Parades Commission.

0:27:220:27:25

And doubled her weight.

0:27:320:27:33

Or Tim McGarry's guide to foreplay.

0:27:390:27:41

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:430:27:45

Renee Zellweger regrets latest surgery.

0:27:500:27:52

In the Assembly.

0:27:560:27:58

Not if you're a Vietnamese doctor, you're not.

0:28:020:28:04

APPLAUSE

0:28:040:28:06

And finally...

0:28:100:28:11

Surgeon undermines Renee Zellweger.

0:28:130:28:15

That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

0:28:170:28:20

Thank you so much to the Burnavon Theatre in Cookstown

0:28:200:28:22

for your hospitality. Please show your appreciation to our panel,

0:28:220:28:25

Colin Murphy, Janey Godley, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

0:28:250:28:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:32

I'm...

0:28:340:28:36

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week,

0:28:360:28:38

don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.

0:28:380:28:41

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