Episode 1 The Blame Game

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello and welcome to the brand-new series of The Blame Game.

Yes, like party election broadcasts, we're back!

LAUGHTER And unlike election broadcasts, people actually want to watch us.

Yes, this show is hot. It's hotter than a DUP farmer's barn.

I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight is an actor, a bestselling author,

a blogger and a multi-award-winning stand-up comedian,

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Janey Godley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we are in the wonderful Burnavon Theatre in Cookstown.

Ah, yes, Cookstown, the Las Vegas of County Tyrone.

Cookstown is the fourth largest town in Tyrone and bills itself as

the retail capital of Mid Ulster.

What a boast that is, ladies and gentlemen!

Yes, New York may be the city that never sleeps,

but Cookstown is the town that never runs out of sausages.

Cookstown even has its own unofficial slogan.

"Looking good, looking great!"

Looking good, fair enough, but then, Cookstown,

don't take this the wrong way, I think you've overreached yourselves.

Clearly, what's happened is someone came up with the slogan "looking good,"

then went to a pub for a liquid lunch, came out and went,

"Feck it, it's looking great now!"

I'm joking, it's a wonderful place, Cookstown.

Sinn Fein leader Michelle O'Neill comes from the tiny village of

Clonoe, which is close to Cookstown.

Michelle believes that there will soon be a united Ireland.

On the other hand,

Michelle also believes that Cookstown is the big smoke.

LAUGHTER

Now, on with the show, the audience asks the questions and our

panel provide some very unreliable answers.

So, one of you, the audience in Cookstown, asked us tonight,

who's to blame for the large number of Welsh rugby players on the

recently named Lions team? AUDIENCE GROANS

Says Arnold from Tandragee.

Good to know we have a cross-community audience there.

LAUGHTER

Who's to blame for Buckfast Easter eggs being discontinued?

LAUGHTER

That's another Catholic there, obviously.

Who's to blame for the chihuahua being arrested in Lurgan this week

for jaywalking and serious anger issues?

You know why he was so angry?

Because they discontinued Buckfast Easter eggs in Lurgan.

It was a chihuahua, the cops were on a patrol and he was an unattended chihuahua,

jaywalking in the middle of the road in Lurgan,

no collar, no nothing and they jumped out of the car

to get him and...

They climbed slowly out of the car.

And they attacked him, so they arrested him. And...

Yeah, so, he's done for the assault, the police officer, and jaywalking!

We called him Nigel, they christened him Nigel.

Yeah, they said in the paper,

we called him Nigel cos he looked like a Nigel.

That was it!

OK, what is our first question tonight?

Who do you blame for snap elections?

Yes, Theresa May promised again and again

that she would not call a snap election.

And then she called a snap election.

I mean, seriously, if you can't trust the word of a politician,

who can you trust?

So, the people of Northern Ireland have to go to the polls yet again.

It's exactly the seventh time in the last few years that we've had

to go and mark our ballot papers. Most people are fed up voting.

On the plus side, we vote so often here, that pretty soon,

we'll all be able to claim DLA for repetitive strain injury.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But who can we blame for the snap election?

It's well named. Snap.

Cos that's just about what I'm going to do if I hear one more election.

Yous all rose up in a wave of apathy,

disinterest and disgust, you know what I mean?

Because we're just after the Assembly election, where we went out

and we voted for a wonderful bunch of people into the Assembly.

Great men and women, who rolled their sleeves up

and went straight home.

LAUGHTER

But what really annoys me, do you know what they did a week ago?

They took an Easter break!

How can you take an Easter break when you're doing nothing?

How do you manage, do you get put in a coma or something?

So you can tell the difference! It's... No, no, no...

No, no, this, this, this, this sums it up.

Did yous all get one of these? This is where you're living.

They sent - Rates sent us out all a letter.

Everyone in the whole country got a letter from the Rates Department,

telling us that, "We will not be collecting your rates.

"Due to the situation." Right? Right? 40,000 quid that cost.

40,000 quid, to tell us what we already knew!

Is there going to be an avalanche of these now?

Are you going to have other ones coming out?

"Dear Mary, sorry but we will be able to fund your heating.

"Here's a blanket."

"Dear Mickey, we won't be doing your heart operation.

"Here's a list of undertakers."

LAUGHTER

Any Shinners in?

The Shinners have been out registering everybody with a pulse,

since the last election, and some of them don't even have a pulse.

They're out and I've just... I've just... Forget it!

I've got a solution, here's my solution. Direct rule. Direct rule.

-That one's popular (!)

-LAUGHTER

I haven't finished! Not from Westminster.

North Korea!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes! I want Kim Jong-un or whatever they call him, the wee guy.

I know he's a lunatic who probably plays with his own poo,

right, fair enough.

But he's better than the lunatics we have.

I mean, we're so alike. You think about this.

Korea, divided, North and South.

We're divided, North and South.

We love parades. They love parades.

Who does better parades better than wee Kim?

But see Gerry Adams, if I hear Gerry Adams once more,

"We want reunification."

"Will the South, will you take us back, please? Please?

"Will you take us back?"

Kim Jong-un's got the right idea! Bomb them! That's what I say!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Forget about this election.

You shouldn't have had the last, the last Assembly election.

Because you had, what? You had 108 seats, right? And then it was going to go down to 90 MLAs,

so you needed to get 90 MLAs or 18 people were going to lose their seats.

So, what you should have done, no election,

you get lads from United Airlines to come in...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And if that doesn't do it, nothing'll do it.

Scotland's had loads of elections as well, haven't you?

You've had your referendum and then you've had council elections and...

We had the general election that time,

then we have the referendum, then we had the Brexit,

now we're about to have the local council elections,

then another election.

I've literally made more decisions about who is gonnae govern me

than I have about contraception.

LAUGHTER

I can no longer pick anybody else that's annoyed me.

We just keep going through them.

And of course, it was really bizarre because two weeks ago

Nicola Sturgeon says "We're going to have another referendum,"

and, you know, Big Theresa, as I like to call her, Big Theresa said,

"Now is not the time!"

And we're were like, "Oh, OK."

She went, "But now I'm gonnae have an election."

And it's like she's organised a party but then Nicola's went,

"I'm having a party," and she's like, "No, I'm having a party now."

And then we're having another election.

Then we're gonnae have the local elections and then we're gonnae

have a Scottish Referendum, then we're gonnae get independence,

then we never have to see another Tory face in my country.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

But the best Brexit protest so far, I think, has to be

Martina Anderson, the Sinn Fein MEP who went to the parliament,

Martina gave them a rendition of The Men Behind The Wire.

As you do...

I didn't see this!

Martina Anderson said... "British pigs couldn't give us a border,"

and then she said, "Theresa, you can stick your border where the sun don't shine."

And I thought to myself, that is not going to work.

How can you have the border in Portrush?

APPLAUSE Didn't you hear that?

Do you know who I feel sorry for? Your man, Robin Swann.

Oh, the new leader of the Ulster Unionist Party, Robin...

Yeah, but he's only in ten days.

Ten days in the job and now he has to do a general election.

Like, if you change your mobile phone contract,

you get 14 days to change your mind.

I feel sorry for Jeremy Corbyn because he was really ill-prepared

for this election coming up on Theresa May's calendar

because he's never really been the most forceful of guys.

I know that Theresa May is refusing to take part in any of the debates

and I... I mean...

How scared must you be to not want to argue with Jeremy Corbyn?

I mean, I'm a Glaswegian woman.

I could stare him out on a street, you know what I mean?

I could see him in the distance just going round a corner and go...

..and he'd be like, "I've changed my mind", and just run.

A lot of women find Jeremy Corbyn very sexually attractive, you know?

-Mature man, grey-haired...

-Why, because he's grey-haired?

-Grey beard... Mm.

What's not to like, you know?

Quite a lot.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

So what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for United Airlines?

Yes, a doctor was physically dragged off a United Airlines flight.

He suffered concussion, bruising and the loss of two teeth.

You think that's bad?

On a flight to London I once had to sit beside Gregory Campbell.

While the doctor was being physically dragged down the aisle

of the plane, he was clearly in distress, so his fellow passengers

immediately leapt into action

and set their phones to video.

A PSNI officer who saw the footage said it was absolutely disgraceful

and said you should never, ever assault someone

in front of witnesses.

But who can we blame for United Airlines?

I think that you can easily blame anybody rowing about somebody

when you're dead... I've done it myself, Tim.

I've been on a flight and you know yourself,

you've sat there and you put your armrest down

and then some man's went, "That's also my armrest as well",

and then you've had to have quite a quiet staring competition

where you just go, "Really? Really?"

Elbow him in the chest, get your armrest,

set out your territory, set your stall out,

punch him in the face, just go, "I'm sorry, it's my hormones."

That's not done. Sit down quietly, open a book,

read it, and then behind you, as what happened to me,

it's a bunch of Glaswegians were all going on their holidays,

you know the young kids, and they were all like...

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING

"And the Snapchat and the Twitter!" And they were all stood up

and screaming and I thought,

"You know what? I'm gonnae have to deal with this because the staff aren't dealing with it."

So I stood up and turned round and went, "Sit down, you bunch of dicks!

"If I have to come up here..."

The smell of chlamydia and Lynx Africa would have killed you,

and they're all just standing in the aisle and nobody would do what they were told,

so it's my job now to fix this, because I'm a Glaswegian

and it's my job to fix every crowd that goes wrong, so I get up

and I scream, "Sit down or I'm gonnae come up there and stab you!"

And I ruined everybody's holiday, everybody sat down quietly

and I'm still standing, I had foam here and here.

My tits were roasting, I was dead angry.

I'm still screaming and then the staff came down and went,

"Could you please sit down?"

And I realised that I was actually the lunatic on the plane.

And I had literally felt like dragging three people off

with their hair. I did.

You guys must've... Yous must have done that.

You've travelled. You're comics.

You must have sat on a plane, wanted a wee bit of P and Q,

and some eejit has started with their...

And you know what I don't get? Look at this face.

Does this face say, there's a woman that wants a chitchat?

LAUGHTER

The worst thing that ever happened on a flight is my daughter finally got me back for all the teasing,

and to this day, and you would think nothing would embarrass me,

my God, we were flying to New Zealand to do the comedy festival

and these guys came on and they were a cycling team

and they had on the tight Lycra with the bums right there

and Ashley was here and I was here and I was busying about

and the guy went to put his bag up in the locker.

She took my hand and stuck it right on his bum.

I was not prepared for it and the guy turned and she let go

and I was like...

And Ashley went, "Mum...

"You said you'd stop this."

It was horrible.

APPLAUSE

Of all airlines in the world, the one airline that has got it sorted,

all of this behaviour, is Aer Lingus, right?

Because Aer Lingus,

long haul flights always have an older cabin crew who...

And it's basically the mammy on the plane and she's got the cardigan

and she's very efficient and very, "Morning, morning",

very nice, but as soon as anybody does anything out of the ordinary...

"Enough of that." And that's all she does.

I was on a plane, seriously, and there were a couple of boys,

just a bit sort of, "Wahey!" And she just went on,

she went, "Morning, morning. Breakfast, breakfast...

"You're getting nothin'!

"Till you behave yourself!"

And then walked on. And the two of them were like lambs.

I was on an Aer Lingus plane where I actually had something there

and she spat on a hanky and wiped it off my face.

Your man said, the guy who was thrown off the plane,

-who's a doctor...

-Dr Dao.

-Yeah, Vietnamese doctor,

and he said, he lived through the Vietnam War

and he said it was worse than the Vietnam war, more terrifying than the Vietnam war.

And you're going, "Really?" Do you think he's going to have flashbacks to this?

He'll be lying in bed and go...

"Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?"

HE GASPS

"Oh, my God! I had the worst dream ever. They had no red wine."

-That's called having a good lawyer.

-The cabin crew missed something.

-That's having a good lawyer to tell him that. Sorry?

-The cabin crew missed an opportunity

because when that guy got pulled off the plane

a lot of people on the plane don't know what's going on,

so you have an opportunity there.

if I was cabin crew, I'd just get the intercom

and just go, "You'll all take off your headphones when I'm doing the safety announcement NOW, won't you?"

No, see, if I had been him being dragged off the plane,

what I would have said is, "Right, well, I'm going to leave the bomb here, then!"

Everybody would be off that plane.

Because that's exactly what happened.

People were filming the thing.

Because that's people's first reaction now.

And this guy, they'd made repeated attempts to get him to leave,

which he shouldn't have done because he'd bought a ticket, why the hell should he leave?

And he made repeated attempts to stay where he was. They said no.

It went on and on and on, and then all of a sudden

it escalated and, you know, any normal, decent human being,

I genuinely think if this had been here, there would have been somebody

that would have stood up and went, "Oh, for... Right!

"They can have my seat. I'll wait for the next one.

"Leave the man alone, for Christ's sake! I'm trying to get home."

You know, it would be normal, sensible behaviour,

instead of the Americans going, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

"Oh, my Go-o-od!

"Chicken, please."

That's all they did. It was horrendous.

APPLAUSE

-They poisoned me.

-Who?

-United Airlines.

-I asked for a coeliac-free meal and they gave me gluten.

-Hold on, whoa.

-That's where you went wrong, asking for a coeliac-free meal.

-Gluten-free!

But they gave me whatever it was, gluten-free meal

and they gave me gluten and...

-You're gluten-intolerant, just to be clear for the people who don't care...

-Very sick, very sick.

See, when I was a kid, in Glasgow, see, nobody...

We didnae have any children that were born with nut allergies

or gluten problems or milk intolerance.

See if there was, we let them die cos they were inconvenient.

What, a child in Glasgow that cannae eat bread?

"No, Margaret, just leave it out in the hills, see what happens."

Belfast was buzzing last week as word spread that Hollywood superstar

Morgan Freeman was wandering around the city looking for somewhere

to shoot his next blockbuster movie,

and Cookstown was buzzing today

as word spread that Jake O'Kane was wandering around town looking for somewhere to buy a gluten-free bun.

So what's our next question tonight?

Our next question is, who do you blame for know-it-alls?

Yes, a student from Cookstown

made it to the final of University Challenge.

Sadly, however, there were absolutely no questions

about sausages, so he wasn't much use.

Paul Cosgrove is studying at Cambridge University for

a PhD in nuclear reactor physics and we hope it goes well for you, Paul.

Just remember, there's always a job for you in the Blue Circle cement factory.

Paul's hobbies are swimming, drinking,

coding and doing his PhD.

Exactly like me, apart from the swimming, coding and PhD stuff.

But who can we blame for know-it-alls?

I was following the whole of University Challenge. I'm a big fan.

And he was on Monkman's team.

Monkman has become this sort of internet phenomenon.

He's a Canadian, incredibly intelligent,

weird-looking Canadian guy who's very intense

and when he answers a question, he's very aggressive about his answers,

even though the answer might not be an aggressive thing, like,

he actually buzzed in and went, "Tranquillity!" That just sort of...

He's very aggressive.

And Cosgrove was his right-hand man, or his left-arm man.

He was great, he was really... I was very impressed.

Didn't realise he was from Cookstown, actually,

until about the semifinal when he said, "I'm Cosgrove, from Cookstown"

and I went, "Holy..." And he's doing a PhD in physics.

His sister goes to Cambridge as well, right? Two of them.

You've got two of them in the family! There's only two of them.

Now, this was reported in the local paper, right,

in the Tyrone Citizen, right?

-No, Tyrone... What's the name of the...

-AUDIENCE: Courier!

-Courier!

-That's the one.

-Imagine not knowing that, Colin! God! I know!

But it was reported, the whole story about Paul Cosgrove

and his sister goes to the thing as well,

and there was one comment at the bottom of the story,

one comment, that's all there was, just one comment,

and not everyone is as proud of Paul as the rest of us seem to be.

One outraged Tyrone person said,

"Screw this guy. What sort of an asshole only has one sibling?"

That's what he said!

Somebody sitting at home, "That boy's not from Tyrone, he's only got one sister!

"You need to five or six people in your family to be from Tyrone, boy."

And they were going to see it and I was... How many people watched it?

Because... Did any people watch?

Nobody watched it! I had visions of people in London and the BBC

looking at the tremendous spike in interest in University Challenge in Tyrone this year.

"Marvellous, intelligent people."

And everybody sat at home going... Did you ever try answering...

I love University Challenge,

but the sense of pride you get when you answer anything

is unbelievable.

And everybody gets that face, you know the face in Father Ted

when Mrs Doyle's trying to remember Todd Unctious's name, right?

And when she actually remembers his name and she goes, "Todd Unctious"

and then he goes, "Yeah", and she goes...

That's the face that everyone pulls when they get something right.

"Would it be blue?" "Blue."

"Mm-hmm!"

And everyone else in your sitting room goes, "Ooooh!"

That's the way it happens.

And I had visions of people in Tyrone watching this,

because you know, people have misconceptions about people from

certain parts of the world and a misconception of people from Tyrone

might be that they're all just interested in Cookstown sausages

and Moy Park chicken and...

"ga".

And only three of those things are right.

But people from Tyrone watching that, sitting at home, going,

"Is it Pericles? The answer's Pericles!"

"Pi to the power of 42. 42!

"Jesus Christ, Monkman! Are you listening to me at all?"

"Fibonacci sequence, I'm telling you, it's the fuckin' Fibonacci sequence.

"Stick on the kettle, this hoor knows nothing." It's just...

But his reaction to it, he was asked about it,

how he felt about being involved in the final of University challenge

and I think this is a peculiarly, genuinely,

I do think this is a peculiarly Tyrone thing.

There's an understatement here.

You can't get above yourself here, right? I'm convinced of this.

I've played here many times and the idea that people go,

because there is that sort of...

A farmer here would never admit that they'd won the lottery,

for instance, know what I mean? Everybody would know he's won it

and you'd go up to him and go, "How you doing?"

"Oh, not so bad, you know."

"Just as long as you have your health, that's the main thing, isn't it, aye?" Do you know?

So his...

APPLAUSE

There's another one. There was a cattle dealer.

This is a couple of years ago. The case was this year

but there was a cattle dealer and he was kidnapped, right,

and held captive in Omagh.

You think being kidnapped isn't bad enough - held captive in Omagh.

And they demanded 400 grand from his father, so they rang his dad,

right, and said,

"We want 400 grand or we're going to cut your son's fingers off",

and genuinely, this is what the dad said to the kidnappers.

He said, "Cut away."

That's what he said, and hung up.

-I like that.

-That's here. This is here.

This is them. That's what they're like.

-"Cut away."

-They've a quiet confidence, quiet confidence.

Dan O'Neill. Is there any O'Neills in?

Dan O'Neill, he's a clan O'Neill and they went to Rome recently,

the front of the paper, local paper,

and he got brought up to the front, the Pope was there - did you see it?

To meet the Pope and he was having a wee bit of a laugh with the Pope

and the Pope took his wee hat off

and put it on Dan's head and says, "That suits you."

Now, anybody else would melt. They'd be going...

HE STAMMERS

Dan... "Bless you, father."

APPLAUSE

Fair play to Dan. Dan's the man. Dan's the man.

We are in the home of the Cookstown sizzle, of course,

-the famous sausages.

-Sausage. Oh!

-We have great sausages here.

-Geordie Best used to advertise them a long time ago.

-I like the idea.

-George Best advertised a sausage?

-Aye.

Hang on a minute,

did he just go on telly and hold, like, a big link sausage like that?

-Basically.

-On the end of a fork, yeah.

And why did nobody ever tell me this before?

That's the funniest, sexiest thing ever,

just a man with a big giant sausage going, "Eat a sausage."

And yous kept this a secret

and you told me that shit about University Challenge!

This is understated here.

Just, "What are we going to do to sell Cookstown sausages?"

And they got some, probably some big ad executive in from Dublin

or Belfast, "We've got a great idea, were going to do this,

"going to do that, there's going to be explosions, going to be amazing, fantastic"

and then a boy goes, "Should we not get a footballer just to hold a sausage?"

That is brilliant! That wouldn't work in Glasgow.

I mean, we have square sausage.

Imagine Jimmy Johnson just standing with a square of meat going, "Yay."

-Square sausage.

-Square sausage?

-Why not?

-You can't have a square sausage.

-It has to fit in the bread. Why?

Why would you have a big thing that's long and roly-poly...

-Because that's a sausage!

-No, that's not!

A sausage is! It's not a square!

You would have to suggest that all other sausages in the world are in this sausage shape,

-that's why it's a sausage.

-No!

A square sausage is what we have in Scotland and it fits on the bread

and maybe I might have some Asperger's thing

but I like the idea that...

A square sausage! And you people want independence?

I'll tell you what was missed here.

It is a centre of education here,

no wonder the man was on University Challenge,

is the police training college.

Oh, yeah, Desertcreat, PSNI training college.

Missed opportunity? Not here.

There was an article yesterday, I think it was, in the paper

about words that police recruits are being told you can and cannot use.

-Sausage?

-Square sausage was not on the list.

-OK, just checking.

It was terms that you should or shouldn't use when dealing

with members of the public.

With members of the Catholic, nationalist community and

the Protestant, loyalist community, these were unacceptable terms.

Now, these had to be told and explained to the cops, right?

"When taking statements, do not use the words

"chuckie, Fenian, taig, Tim, Mick, Paddy...

"Free Stater or sponger."

That sounds like my in-laws are here.

Acceptable terms were "Catholic."

Unacceptable terms for a Protestant or a Presbyterian were

"Hun, black man, Prod, orangey...

"Jaffa, bluenose, snout and flag hag."

-This just...

-Flag hag?

You told me earlier that you would be very offended by the word Fenian.

Yeah, in Glasgow you can't say the word Fenian. It's like a really...

-You wrote a very rude word on a piece of lino!

-I know! I know.

-Trump wasn't a Fenian, though.

-Yeah.

-He is.

-Well, he's certainly orange.

Um...

The word Fenian in Glasgow is...

My daughter was christened a Catholic

and she gets called a Fenian quite a lot and she tells everybody

that her mum's Protestant, her dad's Catholic,

so technically she's a Fenian Hun, which is Fun for short.

She'll be raging I stole her joke, but yet again, she hurt me in 1986.

But the word Fenian is very, very offensive in Glasgow

if you shout it at people and I had to explain that

it's not an offensive word but you cannot say it.

If I go up... You know what I'll do?

Next time I'm in Glasgow, I'll live stream it

and I'll show the word Fenian

and you can all watch and see people going...

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

APPLAUSE

Thank you for that. Just time for a quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines and I want you to be

faster than the PSNI building a training college in Cookstown.

Muttering to himself, "Damn, I thought Shawshank was depressing."

Ah, she'll bounce back.

Has been re-routed by Parades Commission.

And doubled her weight.

Or Tim McGarry's guide to foreplay.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Renee Zellweger regrets latest surgery.

In the Assembly.

Not if you're a Vietnamese doctor, you're not.

APPLAUSE

And finally...

Surgeon undermines Renee Zellweger.

That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

Thank you so much to the Burnavon Theatre in Cookstown

for your hospitality. Please show your appreciation to our panel,

Colin Murphy, Janey Godley, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm...

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week,

don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.