Episode 6 The Blame Game

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game,

the show that has more laughs than a chicken farmer has RHI boilers.

I'm Tim McGarry and our regular, renewable panellists are of course Colin Murphy,

Jake O'Kane, and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight is a superb Scottish comedian.

She's been on Russell Howard's Stand Up Central

and 8 Out Of 10 Cats,

and next week, you can see her at the Kilkenny Cat Laughs Festival.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the fabulous Fern Brady!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, on with the show. The audience ask the questions and our panel

provide some very unreliable answers.

So, what did you, the audience, ask us tonight?

We have some nice questions here.

"Who's to blame for this being my birthday present when it didn't cost her a penny?"

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's Paul B from North Belfast.

-Over there, over there.

-Where are you, Paul?

Look, he's delighted with himself.

LAUGHTER

"Who's to blame for my husband making me watch it on TV rather than the radio?

"I used to imagine Jake O'Kane was hot."

LAUGHTER

Who? Where?

You've some imagination, I'll tell you.

I look great on the radio.

So, what is our first question tonight?

Our first question tonight is - who do you blame for Belfast City Council?

Yes, Belfast City Council has started a consultation

on the appointment of an Irish language officer.

It was pointed out that in Belfast, 70 different languages are spoken.

70 languages.

71 if you include Jake O'Kane's impression of people from North Belfast.

LAUGHTER

And the Council's new strategy of forcing people to put food waste

in brown bins rather than black bins has been labelled a shambles.

Good news, however - pretty soon, it will be a shambles in Irish as well as English.

LAUGHTER

The Council also recently refused to extend Sunday opening hours for Belfast City Centre shops.

Shop workers objected to the extra opening hours,

saying that Sunday was a special day when workers desperately wanted

to spend precious time with their hangovers.

But who do you blame for Belfast City Council?

Yes, the whole language thing was a big thing this week.

There was a march, I was going to say parade but it wasn't really a parade, it was a march.

Parades are celebratory things, but marches are more sort of "ugh-ugh-ugh."

And this one started in the Falls Road so it was very much "ugh-ugh-ugh."

And they marched through the town.

They wanted Irish language recognition for that.

And then all these people, 6,000 people, apparently, turned up to it. It said in the paper 6,000 people.

A lot of people came up from the south, because they needed

people to understand what was being said in the speeches.

And the people stood outside City Hall and listened to speakers speaking as Gaeilge

and most of the crowd went...

"Yaaaaay!"

"An yeo!"

-And erm...

-LAUGHTER

So many people turning off right now.

-I'm turning off an tuluvizion.

-LAUGHTER

So, they are looking for the public

to tell the City Council where they can use this new language officer they're going to employ,

and they're going to be not just Irish language, there's going to be Ulster Scots as well,

and as you say, the bins thing,

I don't know what that is in Ulster Scots - kick bucket wi' wheels!

LAUGHTER

The City Council, total shambles, they told everybody last week,

they put stickers on everybody's bins saying,

"Don't be putting food in this, or I'm not picking it up!"

And then everybody rang the council and said, "Well, can I have one of the little brown buckets

"to put my food in?" and they says, "We don't have any of them."

The City Council have been up to all sorts.

The Sunday opening hours is another one, they didn't want that because they would have

to redesignate Belfast as a holiday resort.

Yeah, I'm sure you stepped off the plane, Fern, and you thought, "Ah, my holiday has begun."

I had a walk around outside the hotel last night,

but then I got frightened and just ran back.

That was the party atmosphere.

I know some Irish language, though, cos my gran lives on an island in Donegal

where that's their first language.

So I can say... In ainm an Athar, agus an Mhic, agus an Spioraid Naoimh, Amen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We've recovered the viewers we lost earlier. Well done, there.

And...

SHE SPEAKS GAELIC

I don't know if I'm saying that right.

And magairli, which means balls, apparently.

-No, mo liathroidi.

-Oh, I thought it was magairli.

No, it's mo liathroidi. I don't know why I know this.

It was a big march, though. There was 4 or 5,000 people at this.

There was a shot above it, and they all looked like little ants, knocking around.

Little protest ants. You've got to be careful how you pronounce that.

LAUGHTER

Not Protestants, protest ants.

See, Irish is really popular.

Prince Charles spoke it last week, when he met Michael D Higgins, President Michael D Higgins,

and he said to him I believe, An Uachtarain agus Bean Ui hUiginn. Go raibh maith agaibh.

Or something like that. Which of course is Irish for, "Please kill my ma, I want her job."

LAUGHTER

-Batman turned up. Did you see this?

-No.

Batman turned up at the march. I didn't know Batman spoke Irish.

But Batman, he was like...

"Is mise Batman.

"Acht na Gaeilge Anois."

I mean, Bruce O'Wayne himself, to turn up.

I didn't know he spoke Irish.

I knew he was a shinner. I mean, it's obvious that Batman's a shinner.

He wears a mask and he has a different name. Come on.

LAUGHTER

I was trying to look up wheelie bin in Ulster Scots.

-And there's an online Ulster Scots dictionary that I found.

-Really?

-Yeah.

But it only goes to A.

LAUGHTER

Genuinely. It only goes to A. So I did find out what accordion is.

-Accordion is...

-Squeezey-box.

-Squeeze-box. Melodeon.

Or this was the one -

come-tae-me-go-aff-me.

-To me, to you, to me, to you.

-Oh, the Chuckle Brothers.

Wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off.

But, do you know what we used to do? When I was in national school,

the Irish teacher would always Gaelicise your name. Right?

Which is fine for your name. So Murphy would be Murchadh. Brady would be O Bradaigh I think.

And O'Kane would be O Cathain.

-Whey! Well done.

-But you can't do that with Delamere, it's a French name.

How difficult is that now, with the immigration that has come into the country since I was in school?

"What's your name?" "Laszlo Copernicus." "OK..."

LAUGHTER

"Eh, eh, we'll call you Seamus.

"What's your name?" "Mohammed Bilal..." "OK...

"Sean will go for you. What's your name?"

"Gregory Campbell." "Oh, we have a name for you."

LAUGHTER

Irish is a beautiful language, but I don't know how you were taught it.

I was taught by a very brutal Irish language teacher.

He used to put a metal bin on your head and whack it with a hurl.

If you got a question wrong, he'd just bang you on the head.

On the first day we were taught Irish, he said,

"Boys, I'm going to instil in you a love of the Irish language."

The only thing he instilled in me was tinnitus.

Well, at the very least... I went to a Catholic school, they did that at 12 and six,

which in fairness...

-Bong!

-LAUGHTER

That's a very Protestant audience.

They didn't even try to teach me Irish, they tried to teach me Italian.

And I had a Tipperary or something, or Kerry teacher.

And he said, spell the Italian for "many".

And I knew many, I knew what many was in Italian.

And I give him it. He bate the shite out of me.

He was saying, mini - M-I-N-I. He couldn't speak English

and he was bating me for not being able to speak Italian.

-And you wonder why I'm aggressive.

-Yeah, that is the reason, probably, all right, yeah(!)

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-In Bath, in England, they are terribly disconcerted about the bins.

They were given these bins.

-Somewhere in England.

-It was in Bath, and they're terribly...

"Blah-blah-blah-blah."

And they were given bins,

and they thought, "No, we're not having these."

And they genuinely said, "Our gardens are too pretty."

Oooooh!

That's the thing, here, everybody is more practical about it.

-"Bin? That's a good big bin, that. That's brilliant."

-LAUGHTER

"I'm going to put that at the front door, it'll be handy. People will see it when they're coming in.

"Look, we've got three bins, we've got three."

"Recycling." "You've no garden, you shut up."

It's aspirational here, do you know what I mean?

The auld bins were the best. Tin bins.

Tin bins are a musical instrument.

"Come on!"

LAUGHTER

Remember them?

-"Come on!"

-APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, an Irish Language Act is still controversial.

Unionists claim that an Irish Language Act could cost £100 million a year

and that money is of course desperately needed to pay for giant saunas for chickens.

So, what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for political promises? Yes, on 8 June

the people of Northern Ireland will be heading to the polling stations yet again,

like a dog returning to its own sick.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sinn Fein election candidate Michelle Gildernew says, if elected, she will demand speaking rights

in the Irish Parliament.

Just for Fern's benefit, can I just explain?

Michelle Gildernew is standing for election to the British Parliament, but if elected

to the British Parliament, won't speak in the British Parliament,

but wants to speak in the Irish Parliament even though she can't speak in the Irish Parliament,

cos she hasn't stood for the election in the Irish Parliament and therefore

wants to be elected to the British Parliament in order to speak in the Irish Parliament

that she won't be elected to.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the sad thing is, that makes a lot of sense to us.

But who can we blame for political promises?

She's very funny, I have to say. It's all happening in that part of Northern Ireland.

In Fermanagh and South Tyrone there.

Barry McElduff, I have to say hello to him, he is the MLA for Tyrone.

He's in the news for two reasons.

One, his daughter won the Rose of Tyrone competition.

He's a Sinn Fein TD, or, Sinn Fein MLA, my apologies.

So, she won't be taking up her seat.

She won't go to Tralee. She's just going to represent Tyrone from Tyrone.

She is also the only person connected with Sinn Fein

who is happy to wear a sash and a crown.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Michelle Gildernew has asked for speaker's rights in the Dail

even though she's going for the Westminster elections, which I don't...

It's not like a gym membership, like, "Oh, yes, if you join, you can use any of our parliaments

"that are scattered all around the world."

That's not how it works.

McElduff is in the news for another brilliant reason. Did you see the video he did?

It's had 60,000 views or something.

So, he did a video in Stormont, going, "I am in the Sinn Fein side of Stormont.

"But the vending machine..." Cos they're engaging in serious work(!)

"..the vending machine I want to go to is deep in DUP territory."

And it's like Mission Impossible.

HE SINGS THEME TUNE

And he went, "That is Pam Cameron's door. She is a DUP MLA. I'll pass that."

And he's just panicking... He was on a mission.

-Was he on his hands and knees?

-No, he wasn't doing that.

It would have been better if he was doing that.

He went up to the vending machine to get a Snickers bar. And he bought a Snickers bar.

I was surprised the shinners ate a Snickers bar.

I mean, I know they don't eat Bountys since the partition.

They used to eat them in the old days.

But a Snickers is a Marathon.

And a marathon is a race that is 26 miles long. That is not acceptable.

A republican marathon would be 32 miles long.

LAUGHTER

-You'd run 26 miles, and another six miles after that.

-APPLAUSE

You can do this with all the political parties.

Alliance are Viscount biscuits.

Some of them are green, some of them are orange,

it doesn't matter, it's all of us working together to improve the chocolate quality for everybody.

Labour in the UK are like a Chocolate Orange.

-Very nice. Erm...

-LAUGHTER

If you attack it at all, it splits into about 25 different parts.

And the Ulster Unionists here are kind of like a Toblerone in that they're kind of rich

and upper-class, but their peaks are much further apart than they used to be.

LAUGHTER

Did you see the Lib Dems have promised to legalise cannabis?

-Oh, yes.

-I don't buy it. I mean, Tim Farron's very squeaky clean

and a Christian, and it just feels like when your parents get divorced

and your dad has a mild breakdown and to get you on his side,

-he starts letting you eat ice cream for dinner.

-LAUGHTER

So, you favour him over nasty Mummy to raise you.

Have some self-respect, Tim. This isn't you. It's just such a boring...

You know, he's just doing it to get votes.

But the young people. He thinks, "The young people will vote for me if we could all

-"have a spliff of mari-juayna."

-LAUGHTER

"And get high as kites and eat biscuits. Mmm!"

See, since that dementia tax news came out,

my mum's really worried about getting dementia.

She went, "If this comes into place, Fern, just kick me down the stairs when the time comes."

I went, "Mum, we don't have to wait for that time to come.

LAUGHTER

"I need a deposit for a house now."

My dad, in a separate conversation, "Fern, when the time comes,

"if I get dementia, just leave me down in the driveway and drive over me with a car."

Why don't you do one parent against the other, like two parents enter, one parent leaves?

Like UFC for parents.

But there's a flaw in this argument, you see.

-Because they haven't thought this through.

-Which?

-In the dementia tax thing.

The plan that they're putting forward is that your house in the future,

you wouldn't have to pay anything, they wouldn't take the home away from you...

-May I ask one question?

-What?

-Should we be talking like this while he's here?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think this is off. It's not working. It's not working.

APPLAUSE

Holly "I'm lovely" Willoughby has got a FLEG outside her house.

She lives in some big mansion in the south of England and she's got this FLEG

and she's got a flagpole and the whole thing going on

outside her house and the neighbours are not happy.

It is lowering the tone. And they want her to take the fleg down.

LAUGHTER

Willie Frazer outside her house, that's what she wants, that'll get the flag down.

LAUGHTER

-"I'm here to support you on your flag protest."

-LAUGHTER

There is one in Donegal as well, isn't there? Aw, he's brilliant.

He is brilliant. I love that man. We visited him and he owns a guesthouse and he puts

the Union flag up every time.

Whatever the majority of the guests are. So if there's Americans,

he'll put the American flag up.

And he's put the Union flag up and the advertising, they want to boycott him.

They're going to burn him out.

Sandy Row's going to move up here next week. It's brilliant.

And he doesn't care.

The only one that is worse is when he puts the Israeli flag up. That's when he gets in worse trouble.

-How many Israeli visitors does he have?

-He does, yeah.

"Let's go to Bundoran."

"We are from Tel Aviv, the great Mediterranean party city with the best nightclubs in the world,

"but I think maybe let's go to see Daniel O'Donnell sing."

Can I just point out, 90 cruise ships come to Belfast every year.

Who the hell is coming to these places and there's not even Sunday opening,

because the council knocked it back.

But there's nothing to do. One of those ships is arriving this Sunday.

Who is going on this cruise? Do you know what I mean?

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Where are you going on your holidays, Hans?" "I'm going to Belfast this year.

"I need a new cover for my iPhone, so I'm going to the CastleCourt Centre. Marvellous."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, Hans, that's very exciting.

"I have a whole tour of all the shopping centres all over Northern Ireland."

"Are you going to the Buttercrane?"

"Yes, I will be going to Buttercrane.

"Also, Buttercrane not the only shopping centre in Newry.

-"Also shopping at The Quays shopping centre."

-"The Quays!"

"Then I will go off to Derry/Londonderry, cos I have to be very politically correct.

"I'm from Berlin, but they have kept the wall."

LAUGHTER

"And then I will buy some green diesel on one side of the border, I don't know which.

-"Oh, it's very exciting."

-"Are you going to transport the green diesel back onto the boat?"

"Oh, in little bottles with all your eggs in the top of them.

"It's a souvenir in the museum in Newry."

LAUGHTER

Why are you so camp when you're a German?

I can't, I can't do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With an accent, I can't stop myself.

-We cannot do just straightforward German.

-Straight German, it has to be camp.

And no matter what we start with. I could say, "Yeah, I lifted a fridge today."

And then once you go...

-CAMPLY:

-"It's as light as a feather."

"I did not even defrost it. It was amazing."

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much for that.

Yes, even if elected, Sinn Fein refuse to take their seats in Parliament.

It's called abstentionism.

This used to be a purely Sinn Fein policy, but a few months ago we elected 90 MLAs

and they're all at it now. LAUGHTER

And what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for dodgy claims?

It's claimed that new green packaging for cigarettes will reduce the number of smokers.

Apparently, the colour green puts people off things.

Ah! That's why Unionists refuse to vote for Sinn Fein.

But who can we blame for dodgy claims?

The government thing about the smoking, I'm not too sure, because they've got this thing,

it's all plain packaging and they've got these pictures,

horrific pictures of what smoking will do to you.

I was behind a wee woman in the shop there last week,

a wee old-age pensioner, and it hasn't worked out.

"Right, son, I want the one with the man with no toes."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And the shop assistant started going, "No, no, it could be you."

"No, the one with no toes on. I'm 72. I'm not walking anywhere soon.

"Just give me the one with no toes. Lovely wee smoke."

The other one's the RHI, the RHI claimants.

-The whole claim thing and was it half a billion or 500...?

-Well, £490 million.

It makes all the difference. So, they're up in arms, cos the whole list was published this week

of the RHI claimants and they're all out, the RHI claimants saying it's disgraceful.

"It is disgraceful that our names have been put out in the public"

and they're saying because...

And then I'm wondering why. Because they're saying it's all legit, so why would you bother?

They have a point. They say they want civil servants who put the whole scheme together.

They want their names published. Where will this end?

Where will this end?

The next thing they'll be wanting political parties telling us

who's subsidising them.

LAUGHTER

-Ooh, can't have that.

-An ordinary, open democracy. Like, who wants that?

Andytown, what they're doing is, Andytown Leisure Centre is being knocked down

and they're rebuilding it, but they are putting a water park in it.

Putting water slides, water slides everywhere.

Water slides all over the place.

"In the leisure centre, water slides."

And the thinking is this'll encourage people to go to the leisure centre and it

will make people fit and you're going, "It's a slide."

-You can actually vape while you're doing this.

-LAUGHTER

People going "Woahhh, splash!"

"That was brilliant, I'm away up again."

It's climbing a ladder and going down a slide, that's all it is.

People like certain smoking, though. My dad smokes a pipe and people love

an auld lad who smokes a pipe.

See, what it is is, in a world of constant change, my friends,

it's something you expect an auld lad to do.

Auld lads smoke pipes. Old women wear furry hats at some point. Do you ever see that?

They get to about 70 and go, "Do you know what would look good on me? Roadkill."

The pipe embers burn everything he has ever owned in terms of clothes.

I handed him a pair of trousers at Christmas. I turned around again and there's an 80-year-old

in fishnet tights.

LAUGHTER

He looks like Cher.

He looks like this half is going to Lourdes and this half is going to the Rocky Horror

Picture Show.

He doesn't care.

-Oh!

-A couple of years ago...

-No, no, no. You had a friend in Dublin who was a fireman.

-Do you remember you told me the story?

-Oh!

-This is a good story.

This guy, he was a fireman and a guy was driving along

and hit this taxi, right?

The taxi was grand. He tipped him like that, barely tipped him,

and the taxi driver went, "Oh! Me neck! Jesus, me neck is on the ground, oh, no.

"I'm looking like Charles II or something here, or the first, I can never remember which.

"Oh, look, My neck is all over the place." Whiplash, right?

The Fire Brigade knew it was a false claim.

He went, "It's whiplash." He goes, "Really?"

"OK, right, stay where you are, we're going to have to take the top off your car."

-And they got the jaws of life and cut the top off his car.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Was he not like, "Oh, no, it's all right, I'm only messing?"

"Your man's after Mr Spockin' it back into place, I'm grand, I'm grand."

And he was, "No, no, no, we're going to have to take it off the car.

"Clink, clink, clink. "You have a convertible, good luck."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for that.

So, what's our next question?

Who do you blame for perfect pictures?

Yes, there were wonderful pictures of people at Pippa Middleton's wedding

in all the newspapers apart from the Irish News.

The only way Pippa Middleton would make the Irish News is if she takes up camogie.

The marquee at Pippa's wedding was said to cost £100,000.

100 grand for one tent sounds a lot, but remember this is Northern Ireland.

We spent 21 million on a caravan at Twaddell Avenue.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And this week there was also a superb picture of the Pope and Donald Trump.

Yes, this week for the first time ever an orange man was in the Vatican.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But who can we blame for perfect pictures?

There's pictures on Twitter of the Pope meeting every other world leader

and he's so happy in every single picture.

When he's with Trump he's like a toddler at a wedding.

He looks like one of Pippa Middleton's badly behaved pageboys, actually.

And then Melania and Ivanka were dressed as sort of twin Gothic bridesmaids

at the wedding.

Presumably cos the Pope kept signalling to Trump that they should go off

and talk out of earshot of the reporters and I thought

maybe that's cos it's the marriage of God and Satan, in the Pope and Trump.

Something weird's going on.

Then Trump gave the Pope...

No, the Pope gave Trump an olive branch as a gift and then Trump gave the Pope a load of books,

cos he wasn't reading them.

LAUGHTER

You just know the Pope woke up that morning and went... "No!"

Basically it's Donald Trump smiling

and it's the Pope looking as if he's just had an enema.

He even made a joke when he met Melania, he said, "What are you feeding him? Cake?"

-Did he?

-Yeah!

-And then she looked at him and went...

-HE LAUGHS

She's not getting on with him.

Did you see the flip away?

When he tried to hold her hand - she went "Get that away from me."

That was the most West Belfast tap...

"Don't you even think of coming near me. Dirty hellion!"

She did it twice.

Cos she flicked it away one time and the other time she actually fixed her own hair.

I haven't seen that since I was a seven-year-old.

Do you remember the whole "Whey!"

That was so... There's nothing you can do to that.

She knows he can't do it back, because he'll just disturb the comb-over.

He'll go...like that.

But he was at the top of stairs as well and she knows how much he doesn't like stairs.

-I think she's trying to bump him off.

-Yeah, she's brilliant.

Talking about perfect pictures,

did you see there was a story this week where a man from Wexford got a scene

of the town of Wexford tattooed across his stomach?

Like his entire stomach. Which must have been really painful, growing up in Wexford.

LAUGHTER

The reason he got it was he's been away from Wexford for ten years,

so it's like a reminder, cos he misses it.

But that means when he looks at it it'll be upside down

or he'll have to look at it in the mirror, hopefully not naked or he'll have

nightmares about Wexford with genitals on its head.

LAUGHTER

I think it will be useful when he dies, cos they can turn

him into a giant postcard and send him off very cheaply.

Write his address on the back and stamp on his shoulder and jam him in a postbox.

That's really poignant when he's dead as well. It's just like, "Wish you were here."

What's the scene? Does he have like a roundabout round his bellybutton, that kind of thing?

No, it's the bridge in Wexford.

It's not even like a 14th- century bridge like Prague. It's just a '70s bridge.

And also one of the struts goes into his belly button, so it looks structurally unsound as well.

And if he ever get his appendix out,

it looks like one of those bridges that splits, that's what it's going to look like.

But if you're going to... I was thinking about this.

If I was going to get a statue, Belfast has been good to me, I've been doing this show for ten years.

If I was going to get a tattoo of a landmark, I think I'd get the Albert Clock

-on a certain part of my body, right?

-LAUGHTER

No, because it also leans to the left

and it also rhymes with Albert Clock.

LAUGHTER

-If I was...

-LAUGHTER

It's awful. You get girls getting these tattoos on the top of their bottoms,

What do you call that? There's a thing.

And it's all right when you're 18, but when they're going in for a hip replacement when they're 72

and it's down round their knees, it's not going to look as nice.

Well, Wexford is...

Plus if you got a Wexford tramp stamp, some guy'd be pumping you

and go, "Isn't there a Dixons there now?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for that. Just time for our quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and I want you to be faster than a tourist over Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Right, before I drive over you with a car..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Tell me where the will is."

Just like your suit.

AUDIENCE: Oh-h-h!

APPLAUSE

West Lothian.

-That's where I'm from.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

East Lothian.

Have you seen the 50-year-old men on this panel?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I hope you enjoyed Fern Brady's last ever appearance on The Blame Game.

LAUGHTER

And are thrown off the Russian Olympic team.

And finally...

Grease is the word.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's it, ladies and gentlemen. That's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy,

Fern Brady, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm...

APPLAUSE

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next time, don't blame yourselves, blame each other. Goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE