Episode 1 The Blame Game


Episode 1

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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to this very special edition of The Blame Game.

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Now, since the last few weeks, Jake, Colin, Neil and I have been

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sitting on our backsides doing absolutely nothing.

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That's right, we became MLAs.

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I'm joking, we're not MLAs,

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we don't get paid.

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So, before the new series started, we thought,

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"Let's have a look back at some of the best bits

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"in the previous series."

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You know, the bits that made you laugh out loud,

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the bits that made the politicians go, "Oh, no, please turn that off."

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We're just after the Assembly election

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where we went out and we voted for a wonderful bunch of people

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into the Assembly.

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Great men and women who rolled their sleeves up...

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..and went straight home.

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LAUGHTER

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But what really annoys me,

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do you know what they did a week ago?

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They took an Easter break!

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How can you take an Easter break when you're doing nothing?

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How do you...? Do you get put in a coma or something

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so you can tell the difference?

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Forget it, I've got a solution. Here is my solution - direct rule.

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-Direct rule.

-That was popular.

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I haven't finished. Not from Westminster.

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North Korea.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Yes.

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I want Kim Jong-un, whatever they call him, the wee guy.

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I know he's a lunatic, he probably plays with his own poo,

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right, fair enough,

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but he's better than the lunatics we have.

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And we're so alike.

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Think about this.

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Korea - divided north and south.

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We're divided north and south.

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We love parades.

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They love parades.

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Who does parades better than wee Kim?

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-The election here, it's pointless.

-Why?

-Completely pointless.

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Because for a bit of craic,

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the Russians are going to just hack it.

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Like they hacked the American election.

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The Russians, Vladimir Putin is in Moscow

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talking to the lads in the KGB going...

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-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"Who do you fancy for South Down?"

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"Egh, I don't know.

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"I like... I like Jim Wells a lot."

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"But he's not even running."

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"Yeah, but we share same approach on gay marriage in a lot of ways."

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"What about East Antrim?" "Sammy Wilson."

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"I like Sammy Wilson, he has tash.

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"He looks like Soviet worker from 1970."

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"I like him."

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Now, the election broadcast was very slick.

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They have a very slick machine involved there.

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The one I saw - it was the only one I saw,

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and it was a very clever move -

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they had it subtitled, they had it subtitled.

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It was in English, which I thought was a bit offensive

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to Michelle O'Neill, but, you know...

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Because let's face it, not the greatest speaking voice in the world. Jeez.

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It's the fastest, unbelievable. She speaks almost like a machinegun.

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And she...

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-Seriously.

-HE TALKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY FAST

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If she was reading the Proclamation in 1916,

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people would have been home for their tea a lot earlier, do you know what I mean?

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It's just...

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But it was subtitled underneath in English

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and it was still being subtitled in English underneath and I was wondering why.

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I thought it was for maybe the older viewer or the hard of hearing,

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and then I realised, no, it's not, it's for the middle-class voter. That's what it is.

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So they can watch the Sinn Fein broadcast but with the sound down in case the neighbours hear anything.

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That's for the middle-class Catholics, just turn it down there.

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It's fab when the election in the UK is more exciting than the election here.

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Aye, yeah, but that's because...

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Who are you going to vote for?

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-Ooh, fucking hell.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Well... Well... Well...

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To be honest, like, I've always been a Labour voter

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and I like Jeremy Corbyn,

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but he keeps bringing Diane Abbott out

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and you think, "Oh, for Christ's sake."

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Do you know what I mean?

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It's like somebody giving a five-year-old the responsibility

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of looking after a baby with a pair of scissors in their hand,

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you think, "Fucking put them down, Diane!"

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So, we've had the election and now the talks start.

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On Wednesday, the Chancellor announced extra money for Northern Ireland.

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James Brokenshire, representing the British government,

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comes to talks with an extra £120 million.

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Charlie Flanagan, representing the Irish government,

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comes to the talks with a Dublin GAA top

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and two tickets for the Late Late Show.

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But who can we blame for what happens next?

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OK, I'm going to make an unpopular suggestion,

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but I think it's time to go to direct rule.

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Sorry. I think direct rule, you've got to try direct rule.

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It worked for a long time

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-and if it doesn't...

-TIM LAUGHS

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No, if it doesn't work, maybe direct rule from England.

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LAUGHTER

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That's all the phone calls are going to be.

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I'll tell you what I don't want, I don't want another election

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because, even as someone who can't vote,

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I end up watching the election results until all hours.

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Politicians and whores are the only people

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who are told they're going to get a job in the middle of the night.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, they are.

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-And also...

-APPLAUSE

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And also they both do the same thing to the public.

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One of the things they're going to get rid of,

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they want to get rid of First Minister and Deputy First Minister.

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-Oh, call them joint...

-Equal.

-Just First Ministers?

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That's the thing, what are they going to call them?

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You know, like Wizard and, you know, Worshipful Master?

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You know, that's... I don't know.

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-Grand Wizard.

-Partners.

-There we go.

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-Partners.

-No, no, partners, again, too close to...

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The DUP are never going to go for that,

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particularly as Arlene Foster and Michelle O'Neill are same sex.

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-Are they, though?

-Well...

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Are they?

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-Cagney and Lacey.

-Cagney and Lacey!

-Cagney and Lacey would suit them.

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Oh, that's... I think that is fantastic.

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-Would you?

-Yes.

-Which one is which, though?

-Oh...

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Cagney's definitely the Fenian.

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LAUGHTER

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I like the way you say that and everybody goes...

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-Tango and Cash.

-Tango and Cash, that's good. Starsky and Hutch.

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-Stirsky and Hutch.

-There's loads.

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Do you reckon this is what the talks are like -

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someone throws something out there and then they throw it around the place?

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HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING

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-Then it all goes...

-SLOW-PACED MUMBLING

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-Then someone else goes...

-MUMBLING

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And then the English boy goes, "Anyone?"

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-They all sit around and go...

-SLOW-PACED MUMBLING

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-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"We really need to break the deadlock here."

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FRANTIC MUMBLING

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-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Guys, are we making any progress here?"

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ANGRY MUMBLING

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"Listen, I really mean it.

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"It's almost lunchtime and we've got bloody nowhere."

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HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING

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"Guys, calm down."

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You're laughing, but this is the first five years

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of The Blame Game for me.

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I reckon he's not even in the room.

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I reckon Brokenshire comes in and goes,

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"Now, I'm going to leave you all to it. Can I trust you to do that?

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"Yeah? Yeah? Then I'll be back in an hour or two."

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Then, before he leaves the room, they go...

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ANGRY MUMBLING

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"Is he gone? Aye? Good.

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"Well, how's it going anyway?

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"You did well in the election there. Well done, yourself."

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-"Not too bad, yourself."

-"He's coming back here."

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IRATE MUMBLING

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That's what it is.

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You're talking about tolerance and bigotry.

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I can't be here and not mention the fact

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that you still haven't got same-sex marriage.

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No, they don't. THEY.

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THEY.

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Don't be blaming me.

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They don't, but I'll take their money.

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I don't know what...

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I'm quite interested to know what public opinion is.

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Can we just ask the audience, by round of applause,

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if you would support same-sex marriage?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And if you wouldn't?

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SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

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This is Northern Ireland. You didn't expect that, did you?

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LAUGHTER

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See in England, people would go, "Oh, I'd better not do anything.

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"It'll just... It'll draw attention to myself."

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But here, people are going, "Fuckin' right."

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I'll be honest, Colin, that bloody threw me.

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She's called this snap election, which is annoying,

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because we've only just recovered from the Brexit.

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I don't know what it was like for yous,

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how important the Brexit vote was here,

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cos it's so confusing

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cos you're sort of in and out of something anyway.

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We had it at home. That, I don't...

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Again, in England, it's very sensitive.

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In Britain, the Brexit vote, people get very tense about it

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so we won't go on about it, but half of you were wrong.

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52% or 48?

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In our house, it became a big thing in our house.

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My missus, Melanie, said to me, "What are you going to do?"

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I said, "I'm going to vote remain. I'm going to vote in."

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I said, "What are you going to do?" She said, "I'm going to vote out."

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In my head, I thought, "You're just doing that for spite.

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"You really haven't listened to any of this, have you?

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"You waited to hear what I was doing

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"and then you just wanted to cancel me out."

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It became one of those things, really.

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I want in, she wanted out. Bit like our sex life, but that was...

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APPLAUSE

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-Your wife voted leave, right? Presumably, like...

-No, she didn't.

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-She changed her mind.

-She told you she changed her mind.

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No, what happened... What happened, we went...

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I had a chat with her, I went, "How can you vote leave?

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"You've got to vote..." So we went all the way through it.

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We got to the voting booth, we went in, voted.

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I voted remain and I thought she voted leave.

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Get in the car and I said, "So, did you cancel me out?"

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She went, "No, I listened to you and I voted remain."

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Then we went home and watched it on the telly.

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The result came out and the country voted leave.

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She went, "Told you I was right!"

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I love this Madonna story.

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I'm 40 and I wouldn't post a picture of me naked on social media.

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It's not that I'm prudish, I'm just too courteous to do that to people.

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I just find it...

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The whole thing about posting naked things

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and sending naked pictures, it's...

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I mean, I don't know what to write in a birthday card,

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I couldn't send a sext. You know what I mean?

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Young people all sexting each other, that blows my mind.

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When I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for a boy,

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I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mum.

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Different world that we live in.

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I think we should be, as we're getting older,

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embracing social media and things like that.

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The Queen this week, apparently, it's come out that she's got

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a Facebook account, which I think is brilliant.

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We need to, cos loneliness in old age is a problem.

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We're all living longer, we've got to worry about these things.

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There's so many 100-year-olds in the UK now the Queen has had to

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get a Moonpig account to keep up.

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My nan... She's 93, my nana, and she's brilliant.

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She's got a little laptop and she uses Skype to talk to her relatives.

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I won't Skype my nan, personally.

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It makes me too nervous, do you know what I mean?

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I can't tell if Skype's buffering or she's having a stroke.

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There was an interesting study that's come out

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recently as well about... Old people drink way more than young people.

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Young people just aren't... It's not a drinking culture any more.

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Old people are knocking it back. I thought, "That explains a lot."

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There we were, blaming frailty, dementia

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and being rubbish at driving on old age, and they're all just pissed.

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I was at my nan's recently.

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I thought, "I'll have a little whiff, see if I can smell any..."

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But they're bringing a lot of smells to the party, aren't they?

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It's difficult.

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I don't know...

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..why they're obsessed with mince, you know?

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APPLAUSE

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You've got to admire people who just get to a certain age

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and don't care any more. My dad's 81 and once described onesies

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as overalls for bastards.

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Occasionally, we persuade the BBC to let us go on the road.

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Next week, we'll be in Arlene's own county when we visit Enniskillen.

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Back in April, we were in Michelle's county when we went to Cookstown.

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By the way, the sausages were gorgeous.

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Genuinely, I do think this is a peculiarly Tyrone thing.

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There's an understatement here - you can't get above yourself here.

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I'm convinced of this. I've played here many times.

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The idea that people go... There is that sort of...

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You'd never... A farmer here would never admit

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that they'd won the lottery, for instance,

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do you know what I mean?

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Everybody would know he's won it, and you'd go up to him and go,

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"How you doing?" "Ah, not so bad, you know.

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"Just so long as you have your health,

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-"that's the main thing, isn't it?"

-APPLAUSE

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I live in a wee place, right, it's just outside Omagh.

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It's seven miles outside Omagh. Between Omagh and Fintona.

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-Wow.

-Wow.

-Yeah, exactly.

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That gives you the idea of where we're at.

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Belfast, we grew up in Belfast thinking that a culchie

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was somebody who came to school on an Ulster bus.

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No, right. There is no mobile phone reception and there is no broadband.

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It's made me a bad person.

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You know when you watch the news and they put one of those videos on,

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you know, the Islamic fundamentalists have put up.

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People watch those on the news and they go, "Oh, that's terrible."

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Do you know what I think when I see them?

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"That guy's in a cave in a desert in Syria

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"and he's got a better internet connection than me."

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There was a cattle dealer,

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this was a couple of years ago, the case was this year.

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But there was a cattle dealer and he was kidnapped

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and held captive in Omagh.

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If you think being kidnapped isn't bad enough, held captive in Omagh!

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They demanded 400 grand from his father.

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They rang his dad and said,

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"We want 400 grand or we're going to cut your son's fingers off."

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Genuinely, this is what the dad said to the kidnappers.

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He said, "Cut away."

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That's what he said.

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Hung up.

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That's here. This is... Them, that's what they're like!

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"Cut away."

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Dan O'Neill. Is there any O'Neills in?

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Dan O'Neill. He's a clan O'Neill and he went to Rome recently.

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The front of the paper, local paper, he got brought up to the front

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and the Pope was there. Did you see it?

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Meet the Pope, and he was having a bit of a laugh with the Pope.

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The Pope took his wee hat off and put it on Dan's head and says,

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"That suits you."

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Anybody else would melt. You'd be going...

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Dan, "Bless you, Father."

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The worst thing that ever happened in a flight is my daughter

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finally got me back for all the teasing.

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To this day - and you would think nothing would embarrass me -

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my God, we were flying to New Zealand

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to do the comedy festival and these guys came on,

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they were a cycling team.

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They had on the tight Lycra with the bums right there.

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Ashley was here and I was here. I was busying about.

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They guy went to put his bag up in the locker.

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She took my hand and stuck it right on his bum.

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I was not prepared for it.

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The guy turned round, she let go, and I was like...

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Ashley went, "Mum, you said you'd stop this."

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Did you see the hare in Dublin Airport?

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There's a picture of a hare with a cigarette in Dublin Airport.

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We have the picture. We actually have the picture.

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-Do you have the picture?

-The hare in Dublin Airport.

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-You see, other animals...

-Quite unusual, because...

0:16:210:16:24

You see, if another animal picks up a cigarette, you think,

0:16:240:16:27

"Oh, that's accidental." But it's a Dublin hare and it's like,

0:16:270:16:29

"Oh, you caught me. I'm on me break."

0:16:290:16:32

You think that this is fake,

0:16:320:16:34

but there's a rabbit inside covered in nicotine patches.

0:16:340:16:38

Dublin Airport, the long-stay car park, there are loads of them.

0:16:380:16:41

They're huge as well. They've no fear of people.

0:16:410:16:44

They don't really engage people because people are in cars,

0:16:440:16:47

so they don't really care.

0:16:470:16:48

They just look at you, but the biggest,

0:16:480:16:50

scariest animals you've ever seen look at you.

0:16:500:16:53

"Oh, right? Yeah?" You're looking at them and you feel....

0:16:530:16:56

"Don't look at them, don't look at them, don't look at them.

0:16:560:16:59

"They'll wreck the car.

0:16:590:17:00

"The car will be wrecked when we come back from the holiday."

0:17:000:17:02

-I've had that.

-"I'm watching you."

0:17:020:17:06

It does, it happens. Yeah, yeah.

0:17:060:17:07

That's a kangaroo you're thinking of.

0:17:070:17:09

They come up to you and they just stare at you, don't they?

0:17:130:17:15

They just stare. "Give us 2 euro and I'll mind your car."

0:17:150:17:18

Honestly, that's what they're like.

0:17:190:17:21

That's the best, minding the car.

0:17:210:17:24

No-one's said that to me for years.

0:17:240:17:26

I used to always park your car in Liverpool

0:17:260:17:28

when you went to the match.

0:17:280:17:29

There would be kids coming up going, "All right, can I mind your car?

0:17:290:17:32

"Can I mind your car?" I remember my dad doing it, parking the car

0:17:320:17:35

and some kid coming up going, "Hey, mister, can I mind your car?"

0:17:350:17:38

He said, "It's all right, it's got a dog in it. We've got a dog."

0:17:380:17:40

He said, "Can it put fires out?"

0:17:400:17:42

I flew with Ryanair recently. I hope this lad does it on every flight.

0:17:490:17:53

This is a genuine thing. The air hostess was a male, so what's it...?

0:17:530:17:59

-Air host.

-Air steward.

0:17:590:18:02

-Steward.

-Cabin crew.

0:18:020:18:04

Cabin crew. An Irish lad. He was so funny.

0:18:040:18:06

I wish I would have got his name.

0:18:060:18:07

You know the announcements, he goes,

0:18:070:18:09

"Ladies and gentlemen, the emergency exits are here and here.

0:18:090:18:13

"This is a non-smoking flight.

0:18:130:18:15

"All Ryanair flights are non-smoking.

0:18:150:18:17

"That includes no vaping.

0:18:170:18:19

"However, if you do feel the need to a cigarette,

0:18:190:18:21

"there is an outside smoking area."

0:18:210:18:23

He was brilliant.

0:18:270:18:28

He just carried on.

0:18:290:18:31

You could see people, people in their tracksuits going...

0:18:310:18:34

Can I just point out...? 90 cruise ships come to Belfast every year.

0:18:380:18:41

Who the hell is coming to these places?

0:18:410:18:43

There's not even Sunday opening now any more

0:18:430:18:44

because the council knocked it back. There's nothing to do.

0:18:440:18:47

One of those ships is arriving this Sunday.

0:18:470:18:49

There's a ship arriving here on Sunday. Who is going on this cruise?

0:18:490:18:51

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Where are you going on your holidays, Hans?"

0:18:510:18:54

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"I'm going to Belfast this year.

0:18:540:18:56

I need a new cover for my iPhone,

0:18:560:18:58

"so I'm going to the CastleCourt Centre. Marvellous."

0:18:580:19:02

What?

0:19:020:19:03

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Oh, Hans, that's very exciting.

0:19:030:19:05

"I have a whole tour of all the shopping centres

0:19:050:19:08

-"all over Northern Ireland."

-"Are you going to the Buttercrane?"

0:19:080:19:11

"Yes, I will be going to Buttercrane.

0:19:110:19:13

"Also Buttercrane not the only shopping centre in Newry.

0:19:130:19:15

"Also stopping at The Quays Shopping Centre."

0:19:150:19:17

-"The Quays?!"

-"Then I will go up to Derry/Londonderry,

0:19:170:19:20

"cos I have to be very politically correct.

0:19:200:19:22

"I'm from Berlin, but they have kept the wall.

0:19:220:19:25

"Then I will buy some green diesel on one side of the border.

0:19:270:19:30

"I don't know which. Oh, it's very exciting."

0:19:300:19:32

"Are you going to transport the green diesel back onto the boat?"

0:19:320:19:35

"Oh, in little bottles with oily rags in the top of them.

0:19:350:19:38

"It's a souvenir in the museum in Newry."

0:19:400:19:43

Why are you so camp when you're a German?

0:19:450:19:47

I can't... I can't do it. I can't do it.

0:19:470:19:51

-I can't stop it.

-We cannot...

0:19:530:19:55

We can do German, we cannot do just straightforward German.

0:19:550:19:58

We start off... No matter what we start as...

0:19:580:20:00

I could say, "Yeah, I lifted a fridge today",

0:20:000:20:02

and then once you go...

0:20:020:20:04

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"It was light as a feather."

0:20:040:20:06

Who do you blame for unpredictable leaders?

0:20:070:20:11

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a very fragile

0:20:110:20:13

and unpredictable world with leaders who are frankly capable of anything.

0:20:130:20:17

Donald Trump could bomb Syria,

0:20:170:20:19

Kim Jong-un could launch a nuclear strike,

0:20:190:20:21

and Arlene Foster could visit another Catholic school.

0:20:210:20:24

Donald Trump has relentlessly attacked

0:20:250:20:27

the press in his first 100 days in office.

0:20:270:20:30

A vibrant press is, of course, vital for democracy.

0:20:300:20:33

The New York Times said it will resist presidential bullying.

0:20:330:20:36

The Washington Post said it will always report the news impartially.

0:20:360:20:39

The Daily Mail Online said

0:20:390:20:40

Kim Kardashian's arse is full of cellulite.

0:20:400:20:44

But who can we blame for unpredictable leaders?

0:20:460:20:49

Well, I mean...

0:20:490:20:52

I know that Donald Trump is unpredictable.

0:20:520:20:54

I just think he's a gangster reacting to headlines himself.

0:20:540:20:58

I mean, he wants to build a wall, which is weird,

0:20:580:21:00

cos Mexicans can build doors.

0:21:000:21:03

They use keys and they've always got ladders. I think...

0:21:050:21:09

I think what he's saying is he wants to expel everyone from America

0:21:090:21:12

who's not white, which is weird, cos he's orange.

0:21:120:21:15

As it turns out, orange is the new black.

0:21:150:21:18

I miss Obama. I would vote for Obama if he ran again in America.

0:21:190:21:22

He probably will, cos in America,

0:21:220:21:24

black men are always running from somebody for good reason.

0:21:240:21:27

Not really police force, more like target practice.

0:21:270:21:32

I did...

0:21:320:21:33

I didn't pull the trigger.

0:21:360:21:39

Sorry, there was just a voice in the audience, "Jesus..."

0:21:390:21:42

I did watch the inauguration/ Nuremberg Rally and I was...

0:21:450:21:49

I think that there are people in the US,

0:21:510:21:53

maybe like the Brexit campaign, they're similar in a way,

0:21:530:21:55

who felt ignored by politics, they felt like they'd been cast aside.

0:21:550:22:00

We all have relatives we're ashamed of. I have family...

0:22:000:22:04

They're southern Baptists from West Virginia.

0:22:040:22:06

When we traced our family tree, we found out it was circular.

0:22:060:22:09

There were sheep on all the branches.

0:22:130:22:16

Their last name's Kilkenny. Anyway, the point is, you know,

0:22:160:22:19

there are people who want to return America to what it was,

0:22:190:22:23

which is what Trump promised - make America great again.

0:22:230:22:25

But what does that mean?

0:22:250:22:26

I just don't understand why people didn't vote for Hillary.

0:22:260:22:29

I supported Hillary cos I thought, "Women! Girls!" Right, girls? Girls!

0:22:290:22:32

CHEERING

0:22:320:22:34

-They work for less.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:35

I think Michelle Obama is the only leader America has in its future.

0:22:380:22:41

Michelle Obama - I find her inspiring.

0:22:410:22:44

She needs a bigger afro and some backup singers, but...

0:22:440:22:48

then she'll have a hit.

0:22:480:22:49

But she goes around the world telling school girls,

0:22:490:22:51

"You work hard, you do your best,

0:22:510:22:53

"maybe some day you too can shag a world leader."

0:22:530:22:56

Really...if anyone knows about that, it's Hillary Clitoris.

0:22:560:22:59

I just feel like...

0:22:590:23:01

Something this panel doesn't really know very much about.

0:23:030:23:06

I feel like America is kind of...

0:23:080:23:10

They're in a downwards spiral.

0:23:100:23:13

The coastal cities are nicer.

0:23:130:23:14

People still use utensils and wear shoes outdoors,

0:23:140:23:17

but when you drive inland in America,

0:23:170:23:19

it's like you take your life in your own, you know, well-manicured hands.

0:23:190:23:23

The farther you get from the sea, the stupider...

0:23:230:23:25

Maybe they're not stupid, maybe they're just dehydrated.

0:23:250:23:28

Maybe all the people who voted for Trump

0:23:280:23:30

are just really, really thirsty.

0:23:300:23:31

"I'm going to vote for Donald Trump cos he's rich

0:23:310:23:34

"and I want to be rich, too."

0:23:340:23:36

It doesn't really work that way, but if I give you some money,

0:23:390:23:42

will you buy some fucking teeth?

0:23:420:23:43

Belfast City Council have caused uproar trying to save money,

0:23:470:23:50

cos there's ways you can get rich.

0:23:500:23:51

A way you can get rich is earn it in a big business. You can...

0:23:510:23:55

Communion.

0:23:550:23:56

It is the season.

0:23:580:24:00

I was surprised that one of the top 20 wasn't some wee girl from Newry

0:24:000:24:03

with her communion money.

0:24:030:24:04

That's cos she's keeping it offshore.

0:24:070:24:09

Coming in at 24, Brigene Morgan.

0:24:090:24:11

Belfast City Council got into trouble because they brought

0:24:130:24:16

in a new system for recycling, cos apparently getting rid of food waste

0:24:160:24:19

costs £800,000 a year, so we all have to put it in the brown bins.

0:24:190:24:23

Basically, the City Council have said, "You've been told, right?

0:24:230:24:27

"Put it in the brown bin, that's the end of it!

0:24:270:24:29

"See if we see it in the black bin, you're... Dead!"

0:24:290:24:31

They give you a sticker that goes on the bin to warn you. Sticker!

0:24:330:24:36

Went on the bin.

0:24:360:24:38

I was out taking my bin in the other day

0:24:380:24:39

and they put a sticker on my bin.

0:24:390:24:41

There was a big sticker on the bin. "Black bin is for..."

0:24:410:24:44

Nobody knows what the black bin's for.

0:24:440:24:47

Nobody knows!

0:24:470:24:48

It's for "Not food!"

0:24:490:24:52

The brown bin is for food.

0:24:520:24:55

I have dog poo, what do you put it in? Does it go in a recycling bin?

0:24:550:24:58

-Is it technically...?

-Right back up the dog. That'll teach him a lesson.

0:24:580:25:02

So they're trying to save money. The other place trying to...

0:25:020:25:05

They're getting money as well is in the graveyard,

0:25:050:25:07

the cemeteries in Belfast.

0:25:070:25:08

They're charging people, families, the headstones are loose

0:25:080:25:13

and are in danger of falling over.

0:25:130:25:16

The way they test this, right,

0:25:160:25:18

the City Council get this thing called a topple tester,

0:25:180:25:21

this machine. It comes in, they look at a headstone and they go,

0:25:210:25:24

"Does that look safe to you?"

0:25:240:25:25

"I don't know." "Get the topple tester."

0:25:250:25:29

The topple tester comes in. What the topple tester does, it goes...

0:25:310:25:35

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

0:25:350:25:37

Then the headstone, which was perfectly fine, all of a sudden...

0:25:370:25:41

"That's loose that there, isn't it?"

0:25:410:25:43

Basically it's the machine equivalent of the Father Ted

0:25:450:25:47

character that goes, "Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy."

0:25:470:25:51

Belfast City Council have now created two jobs.

0:25:510:25:53

They've created the weirdest job in the world,

0:25:530:25:55

which is jiggling headstones, and basically my favourite insult

0:25:550:25:58

when I was a child, bin hoker.

0:25:580:26:00

That is now a job.

0:26:000:26:01

"What are you?" "I am an official bin hoker."

0:26:020:26:04

The government thing about the smoking, I'm not too sure.

0:26:040:26:07

They've got this thing where they're taking...

0:26:070:26:09

It's all plain packaging and they've got these pictures,

0:26:090:26:11

horrific pictures of what smoking can do to you.

0:26:110:26:14

I was behind a wee woman in a shop last week, a wee old age pensioner.

0:26:140:26:19

It hasn't worked out.

0:26:190:26:20

"Right, son, I want the one with the man with no toes."

0:26:200:26:23

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

0:26:330:26:35

Just time for our quickfire round.

0:26:350:26:37

I will read you various newspaper headlines

0:26:370:26:39

and I want you to be faster than a Michelle O'Neill speech.

0:26:390:26:42

Hello to more Catholics.

0:26:460:26:48

Archbishops are worried.

0:26:520:26:54

That's very good...

0:26:550:26:57

My colon.

0:27:000:27:02

Frankly, tonight, I'm relieved.

0:27:100:27:12

LAUGHTER

0:27:120:27:14

CHEERING

0:27:140:27:16

Time to end The Muppet Show.

0:27:180:27:20

Back to direct rule, then.

0:27:200:27:21

CHEERING

0:27:240:27:25

It's all right, they find it again when they get married.

0:27:310:27:33

West Lothian.

0:27:390:27:41

That's where I'm from.

0:27:410:27:43

East Lothian.

0:27:450:27:46

Put in a claim.

0:27:500:27:51

County Derry, County Tyrone, County Antrim...

0:27:590:28:01

County Down...

0:28:010:28:03

Well, we hope you enjoyed those clips.

0:28:060:28:08

Jake, Colin, Neil and I will be back very soon with a brand-new series

0:28:080:28:12

of The Blame Game, but will we have anything to talk about?

0:28:120:28:14

Well, with Arlene and Michelle in deadlock,

0:28:140:28:17

and Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump in a headlock,

0:28:170:28:21

I think we'll be all right.

0:28:210:28:22

So, until then, don't blame yourselves, blame each other.

0:28:220:28:25

Goodbye.

0:28:250:28:26

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