Episode 1 The Blame Game

Hello and welcome to this very special edition of The Blame Game.

Now, since the last few weeks, Jake, Colin, Neil and I have been

sitting on our backsides doing absolutely nothing.

That's right, we became MLAs.

I'm joking, we're not MLAs,

we don't get paid.

So, before the new series started, we thought,

"Let's have a look back at some of the best bits

"in the previous series."

You know, the bits that made you laugh out loud,

the bits that made the politicians go, "Oh, no, please turn that off."

We're just after the Assembly election

where we went out and we voted for a wonderful bunch of people

into the Assembly.

Great men and women who rolled their sleeves up...

..and went straight home.

LAUGHTER

But what really annoys me,

do you know what they did a week ago?

They took an Easter break!

How can you take an Easter break when you're doing nothing?

How do you...? Do you get put in a coma or something

so you can tell the difference?

Forget it, I've got a solution. Here is my solution - direct rule.

-Direct rule.

-That was popular.

I haven't finished. Not from Westminster.

North Korea.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes.

I want Kim Jong-un, whatever they call him, the wee guy.

I know he's a lunatic, he probably plays with his own poo,

right, fair enough,

but he's better than the lunatics we have.

And we're so alike.

Think about this.

Korea - divided north and south.

We're divided north and south.

We love parades.

They love parades.

Who does parades better than wee Kim?

-The election here, it's pointless.

-Why?

-Completely pointless.

Because for a bit of craic,

the Russians are going to just hack it.

Like they hacked the American election.

The Russians, Vladimir Putin is in Moscow

talking to the lads in the KGB going...

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"Who do you fancy for South Down?"

"Egh, I don't know.

"I like... I like Jim Wells a lot."

"But he's not even running."

"Yeah, but we share same approach on gay marriage in a lot of ways."

"What about East Antrim?" "Sammy Wilson."

"I like Sammy Wilson, he has tash.

"He looks like Soviet worker from 1970."

"I like him."

Now, the election broadcast was very slick.

They have a very slick machine involved there.

The one I saw - it was the only one I saw,

and it was a very clever move -

they had it subtitled, they had it subtitled.

It was in English, which I thought was a bit offensive

to Michelle O'Neill, but, you know...

Because let's face it, not the greatest speaking voice in the world. Jeez.

It's the fastest, unbelievable. She speaks almost like a machinegun.

And she...

-Seriously.

-HE TALKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY FAST

If she was reading the Proclamation in 1916,

people would have been home for their tea a lot earlier, do you know what I mean?

It's just...

But it was subtitled underneath in English

and it was still being subtitled in English underneath and I was wondering why.

I thought it was for maybe the older viewer or the hard of hearing,

and then I realised, no, it's not, it's for the middle-class voter. That's what it is.

So they can watch the Sinn Fein broadcast but with the sound down in case the neighbours hear anything.

That's for the middle-class Catholics, just turn it down there.

It's fab when the election in the UK is more exciting than the election here.

Aye, yeah, but that's because...

Who are you going to vote for?

-Ooh, fucking hell.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Well... Well... Well...

To be honest, like, I've always been a Labour voter

and I like Jeremy Corbyn,

but he keeps bringing Diane Abbott out

and you think, "Oh, for Christ's sake."

Do you know what I mean?

It's like somebody giving a five-year-old the responsibility

of looking after a baby with a pair of scissors in their hand,

you think, "Fucking put them down, Diane!"

So, we've had the election and now the talks start.

On Wednesday, the Chancellor announced extra money for Northern Ireland.

James Brokenshire, representing the British government,

comes to talks with an extra £120 million.

Charlie Flanagan, representing the Irish government,

comes to the talks with a Dublin GAA top

and two tickets for the Late Late Show.

But who can we blame for what happens next?

OK, I'm going to make an unpopular suggestion,

but I think it's time to go to direct rule.

Sorry. I think direct rule, you've got to try direct rule.

It worked for a long time

-and if it doesn't...

-TIM LAUGHS

No, if it doesn't work, maybe direct rule from England.

LAUGHTER

That's all the phone calls are going to be.

I'll tell you what I don't want, I don't want another election

because, even as someone who can't vote,

I end up watching the election results until all hours.

Politicians and whores are the only people

who are told they're going to get a job in the middle of the night.

LAUGHTER

Well, they are.

-And also...

-APPLAUSE

And also they both do the same thing to the public.

One of the things they're going to get rid of,

they want to get rid of First Minister and Deputy First Minister.

-Oh, call them joint...

-Equal.

-Just First Ministers?

That's the thing, what are they going to call them?

You know, like Wizard and, you know, Worshipful Master?

You know, that's... I don't know.

-Grand Wizard.

-Partners.

-There we go.

-Partners.

-No, no, partners, again, too close to...

The DUP are never going to go for that,

particularly as Arlene Foster and Michelle O'Neill are same sex.

-Are they, though?

-Well...

Are they?

-Cagney and Lacey.

-Cagney and Lacey!

-Cagney and Lacey would suit them.

Oh, that's... I think that is fantastic.

-Would you?

-Yes.

-Which one is which, though?

-Oh...

Cagney's definitely the Fenian.

LAUGHTER

I like the way you say that and everybody goes...

-Tango and Cash.

-Tango and Cash, that's good. Starsky and Hutch.

-Stirsky and Hutch.

-There's loads.

Do you reckon this is what the talks are like -

someone throws something out there and then they throw it around the place?

HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING

-Then it all goes...

-SLOW-PACED MUMBLING

-Then someone else goes...

-MUMBLING

And then the English boy goes, "Anyone?"

-They all sit around and go...

-SLOW-PACED MUMBLING

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"We really need to break the deadlock here."

FRANTIC MUMBLING

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Guys, are we making any progress here?"

ANGRY MUMBLING

"Listen, I really mean it.

"It's almost lunchtime and we've got bloody nowhere."

HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING

"Guys, calm down."

You're laughing, but this is the first five years

of The Blame Game for me.

I reckon he's not even in the room.

I reckon Brokenshire comes in and goes,

"Now, I'm going to leave you all to it. Can I trust you to do that?

"Yeah? Yeah? Then I'll be back in an hour or two."

Then, before he leaves the room, they go...

ANGRY MUMBLING

"Is he gone? Aye? Good.

"Well, how's it going anyway?

"You did well in the election there. Well done, yourself."

-"Not too bad, yourself."

-"He's coming back here."

IRATE MUMBLING

That's what it is.

You're talking about tolerance and bigotry.

I can't be here and not mention the fact

that you still haven't got same-sex marriage.

No, they don't. THEY.

THEY.

Don't be blaming me.

They don't, but I'll take their money.

I don't know what...

I'm quite interested to know what public opinion is.

Can we just ask the audience, by round of applause,

if you would support same-sex marriage?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And if you wouldn't?

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

This is Northern Ireland. You didn't expect that, did you?

LAUGHTER

See in England, people would go, "Oh, I'd better not do anything.

"It'll just... It'll draw attention to myself."

But here, people are going, "Fuckin' right."

I'll be honest, Colin, that bloody threw me.

She's called this snap election, which is annoying,

because we've only just recovered from the Brexit.

I don't know what it was like for yous,

how important the Brexit vote was here,

cos it's so confusing

cos you're sort of in and out of something anyway.

We had it at home. That, I don't...

Again, in England, it's very sensitive.

In Britain, the Brexit vote, people get very tense about it

so we won't go on about it, but half of you were wrong.

52% or 48?

In our house, it became a big thing in our house.

My missus, Melanie, said to me, "What are you going to do?"

I said, "I'm going to vote remain. I'm going to vote in."

I said, "What are you going to do?" She said, "I'm going to vote out."

In my head, I thought, "You're just doing that for spite.

"You really haven't listened to any of this, have you?

"You waited to hear what I was doing

"and then you just wanted to cancel me out."

It became one of those things, really.

I want in, she wanted out. Bit like our sex life, but that was...

APPLAUSE

-Your wife voted leave, right? Presumably, like...

-No, she didn't.

-She changed her mind.

-She told you she changed her mind.

No, what happened... What happened, we went...

I had a chat with her, I went, "How can you vote leave?

"You've got to vote..." So we went all the way through it.

We got to the voting booth, we went in, voted.

I voted remain and I thought she voted leave.

Get in the car and I said, "So, did you cancel me out?"

She went, "No, I listened to you and I voted remain."

Then we went home and watched it on the telly.

The result came out and the country voted leave.

She went, "Told you I was right!"

I love this Madonna story.

I'm 40 and I wouldn't post a picture of me naked on social media.

It's not that I'm prudish, I'm just too courteous to do that to people.

I just find it...

The whole thing about posting naked things

and sending naked pictures, it's...

I mean, I don't know what to write in a birthday card,

I couldn't send a sext. You know what I mean?

Young people all sexting each other, that blows my mind.

When I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for a boy,

I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mum.

Different world that we live in.

I think we should be, as we're getting older,

embracing social media and things like that.

The Queen this week, apparently, it's come out that she's got

a Facebook account, which I think is brilliant.

We need to, cos loneliness in old age is a problem.

We're all living longer, we've got to worry about these things.

There's so many 100-year-olds in the UK now the Queen has had to

get a Moonpig account to keep up.

My nan... She's 93, my nana, and she's brilliant.

She's got a little laptop and she uses Skype to talk to her relatives.

I won't Skype my nan, personally.

It makes me too nervous, do you know what I mean?

I can't tell if Skype's buffering or she's having a stroke.

There was an interesting study that's come out

recently as well about... Old people drink way more than young people.

Young people just aren't... It's not a drinking culture any more.

Old people are knocking it back. I thought, "That explains a lot."

There we were, blaming frailty, dementia

and being rubbish at driving on old age, and they're all just pissed.

I was at my nan's recently.

I thought, "I'll have a little whiff, see if I can smell any..."

But they're bringing a lot of smells to the party, aren't they?

It's difficult.

I don't know...

..why they're obsessed with mince, you know?

APPLAUSE

You've got to admire people who just get to a certain age

and don't care any more. My dad's 81 and once described onesies

as overalls for bastards.

Occasionally, we persuade the BBC to let us go on the road.

Next week, we'll be in Arlene's own county when we visit Enniskillen.

Back in April, we were in Michelle's county when we went to Cookstown.

By the way, the sausages were gorgeous.

Genuinely, I do think this is a peculiarly Tyrone thing.

There's an understatement here - you can't get above yourself here.

I'm convinced of this. I've played here many times.

The idea that people go... There is that sort of...

You'd never... A farmer here would never admit

that they'd won the lottery, for instance,

do you know what I mean?

Everybody would know he's won it, and you'd go up to him and go,

"How you doing?" "Ah, not so bad, you know.

"Just so long as you have your health,

-"that's the main thing, isn't it?"

-APPLAUSE

I live in a wee place, right, it's just outside Omagh.

It's seven miles outside Omagh. Between Omagh and Fintona.

-Wow.

-Wow.

-Yeah, exactly.

That gives you the idea of where we're at.

Belfast, we grew up in Belfast thinking that a culchie

was somebody who came to school on an Ulster bus.

No, right. There is no mobile phone reception and there is no broadband.

It's made me a bad person.

You know when you watch the news and they put one of those videos on,

you know, the Islamic fundamentalists have put up.

People watch those on the news and they go, "Oh, that's terrible."

Do you know what I think when I see them?

"That guy's in a cave in a desert in Syria

"and he's got a better internet connection than me."

There was a cattle dealer,

this was a couple of years ago, the case was this year.

But there was a cattle dealer and he was kidnapped

and held captive in Omagh.

If you think being kidnapped isn't bad enough, held captive in Omagh!

They demanded 400 grand from his father.

They rang his dad and said,

"We want 400 grand or we're going to cut your son's fingers off."

Genuinely, this is what the dad said to the kidnappers.

He said, "Cut away."

That's what he said.

Hung up.

That's here. This is... Them, that's what they're like!

"Cut away."

Dan O'Neill. Is there any O'Neills in?

Dan O'Neill. He's a clan O'Neill and he went to Rome recently.

The front of the paper, local paper, he got brought up to the front

and the Pope was there. Did you see it?

Meet the Pope, and he was having a bit of a laugh with the Pope.

The Pope took his wee hat off and put it on Dan's head and says,

"That suits you."

Anybody else would melt. You'd be going...

Dan, "Bless you, Father."

The worst thing that ever happened in a flight is my daughter

finally got me back for all the teasing.

To this day - and you would think nothing would embarrass me -

my God, we were flying to New Zealand

to do the comedy festival and these guys came on,

they were a cycling team.

They had on the tight Lycra with the bums right there.

Ashley was here and I was here. I was busying about.

They guy went to put his bag up in the locker.

She took my hand and stuck it right on his bum.

I was not prepared for it.

The guy turned round, she let go, and I was like...

Ashley went, "Mum, you said you'd stop this."

Did you see the hare in Dublin Airport?

There's a picture of a hare with a cigarette in Dublin Airport.

We have the picture. We actually have the picture.

-Do you have the picture?

-The hare in Dublin Airport.

-You see, other animals...

-Quite unusual, because...

You see, if another animal picks up a cigarette, you think,

"Oh, that's accidental." But it's a Dublin hare and it's like,

"Oh, you caught me. I'm on me break."

You think that this is fake,

but there's a rabbit inside covered in nicotine patches.

Dublin Airport, the long-stay car park, there are loads of them.

They're huge as well. They've no fear of people.

They don't really engage people because people are in cars,

so they don't really care.

They just look at you, but the biggest,

scariest animals you've ever seen look at you.

"Oh, right? Yeah?" You're looking at them and you feel....

"Don't look at them, don't look at them, don't look at them.

"They'll wreck the car.

"The car will be wrecked when we come back from the holiday."

-I've had that.

-"I'm watching you."

It does, it happens. Yeah, yeah.

That's a kangaroo you're thinking of.

They come up to you and they just stare at you, don't they?

They just stare. "Give us 2 euro and I'll mind your car."

Honestly, that's what they're like.

That's the best, minding the car.

No-one's said that to me for years.

I used to always park your car in Liverpool

when you went to the match.

There would be kids coming up going, "All right, can I mind your car?

"Can I mind your car?" I remember my dad doing it, parking the car

and some kid coming up going, "Hey, mister, can I mind your car?"

He said, "It's all right, it's got a dog in it. We've got a dog."

He said, "Can it put fires out?"

I flew with Ryanair recently. I hope this lad does it on every flight.

This is a genuine thing. The air hostess was a male, so what's it...?

-Air host.

-Air steward.

-Steward.

-Cabin crew.

Cabin crew. An Irish lad. He was so funny.

I wish I would have got his name.

You know the announcements, he goes,

"Ladies and gentlemen, the emergency exits are here and here.

"This is a non-smoking flight.

"All Ryanair flights are non-smoking.

"That includes no vaping.

"However, if you do feel the need to a cigarette,

"there is an outside smoking area."

He was brilliant.

He just carried on.

You could see people, people in their tracksuits going...

Can I just point out...? 90 cruise ships come to Belfast every year.

Who the hell is coming to these places?

There's not even Sunday opening now any more

because the council knocked it back. There's nothing to do.

One of those ships is arriving this Sunday.

There's a ship arriving here on Sunday. Who is going on this cruise?

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Where are you going on your holidays, Hans?"

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"I'm going to Belfast this year.

I need a new cover for my iPhone,

"so I'm going to the CastleCourt Centre. Marvellous."

What?

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Oh, Hans, that's very exciting.

"I have a whole tour of all the shopping centres

-"all over Northern Ireland."

-"Are you going to the Buttercrane?"

"Yes, I will be going to Buttercrane.

"Also Buttercrane not the only shopping centre in Newry.

"Also stopping at The Quays Shopping Centre."

-"The Quays?!"

-"Then I will go up to Derry/Londonderry,

"cos I have to be very politically correct.

"I'm from Berlin, but they have kept the wall.

"Then I will buy some green diesel on one side of the border.

"I don't know which. Oh, it's very exciting."

"Are you going to transport the green diesel back onto the boat?"

"Oh, in little bottles with oily rags in the top of them.

"It's a souvenir in the museum in Newry."

Why are you so camp when you're a German?

I can't... I can't do it. I can't do it.

-I can't stop it.

-We cannot...

We can do German, we cannot do just straightforward German.

We start off... No matter what we start as...

I could say, "Yeah, I lifted a fridge today",

and then once you go...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"It was light as a feather."

Who do you blame for unpredictable leaders?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a very fragile

and unpredictable world with leaders who are frankly capable of anything.

Donald Trump could bomb Syria,

Kim Jong-un could launch a nuclear strike,

and Arlene Foster could visit another Catholic school.

Donald Trump has relentlessly attacked

the press in his first 100 days in office.

A vibrant press is, of course, vital for democracy.

The New York Times said it will resist presidential bullying.

The Washington Post said it will always report the news impartially.

The Daily Mail Online said

Kim Kardashian's arse is full of cellulite.

But who can we blame for unpredictable leaders?

Well, I mean...

I know that Donald Trump is unpredictable.

I just think he's a gangster reacting to headlines himself.

I mean, he wants to build a wall, which is weird,

cos Mexicans can build doors.

They use keys and they've always got ladders. I think...

I think what he's saying is he wants to expel everyone from America

who's not white, which is weird, cos he's orange.

As it turns out, orange is the new black.

I miss Obama. I would vote for Obama if he ran again in America.

He probably will, cos in America,

black men are always running from somebody for good reason.

Not really police force, more like target practice.

I did...

I didn't pull the trigger.

Sorry, there was just a voice in the audience, "Jesus..."

I did watch the inauguration/ Nuremberg Rally and I was...

I think that there are people in the US,

maybe like the Brexit campaign, they're similar in a way,

who felt ignored by politics, they felt like they'd been cast aside.

We all have relatives we're ashamed of. I have family...

They're southern Baptists from West Virginia.

When we traced our family tree, we found out it was circular.

There were sheep on all the branches.

Their last name's Kilkenny. Anyway, the point is, you know,

there are people who want to return America to what it was,

which is what Trump promised - make America great again.

But what does that mean?

I just don't understand why people didn't vote for Hillary.

I supported Hillary cos I thought, "Women! Girls!" Right, girls? Girls!

CHEERING

-They work for less.

-LAUGHTER

I think Michelle Obama is the only leader America has in its future.

Michelle Obama - I find her inspiring.

She needs a bigger afro and some backup singers, but...

then she'll have a hit.

But she goes around the world telling school girls,

"You work hard, you do your best,

"maybe some day you too can shag a world leader."

Really...if anyone knows about that, it's Hillary Clitoris.

I just feel like...

Something this panel doesn't really know very much about.

I feel like America is kind of...

They're in a downwards spiral.

The coastal cities are nicer.

People still use utensils and wear shoes outdoors,

but when you drive inland in America,

it's like you take your life in your own, you know, well-manicured hands.

The farther you get from the sea, the stupider...

Maybe they're not stupid, maybe they're just dehydrated.

Maybe all the people who voted for Trump

are just really, really thirsty.

"I'm going to vote for Donald Trump cos he's rich

"and I want to be rich, too."

It doesn't really work that way, but if I give you some money,

will you buy some fucking teeth?

Belfast City Council have caused uproar trying to save money,

cos there's ways you can get rich.

A way you can get rich is earn it in a big business. You can...

Communion.

It is the season.

I was surprised that one of the top 20 wasn't some wee girl from Newry

with her communion money.

That's cos she's keeping it offshore.

Coming in at 24, Brigene Morgan.

Belfast City Council got into trouble because they brought

in a new system for recycling, cos apparently getting rid of food waste

costs £800,000 a year, so we all have to put it in the brown bins.

Basically, the City Council have said, "You've been told, right?

"Put it in the brown bin, that's the end of it!

"See if we see it in the black bin, you're... Dead!"

They give you a sticker that goes on the bin to warn you. Sticker!

Went on the bin.

I was out taking my bin in the other day

and they put a sticker on my bin.

There was a big sticker on the bin. "Black bin is for..."

Nobody knows what the black bin's for.

Nobody knows!

It's for "Not food!"

The brown bin is for food.

I have dog poo, what do you put it in? Does it go in a recycling bin?

-Is it technically...?

-Right back up the dog. That'll teach him a lesson.

So they're trying to save money. The other place trying to...

They're getting money as well is in the graveyard,

the cemeteries in Belfast.

They're charging people, families, the headstones are loose

and are in danger of falling over.

The way they test this, right,

the City Council get this thing called a topple tester,

this machine. It comes in, they look at a headstone and they go,

"Does that look safe to you?"

"I don't know." "Get the topple tester."

The topple tester comes in. What the topple tester does, it goes...

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

Then the headstone, which was perfectly fine, all of a sudden...

"That's loose that there, isn't it?"

Basically it's the machine equivalent of the Father Ted

character that goes, "Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy."

Belfast City Council have now created two jobs.

They've created the weirdest job in the world,

which is jiggling headstones, and basically my favourite insult

when I was a child, bin hoker.

That is now a job.

"What are you?" "I am an official bin hoker."

The government thing about the smoking, I'm not too sure.

They've got this thing where they're taking...

It's all plain packaging and they've got these pictures,

horrific pictures of what smoking can do to you.

I was behind a wee woman in a shop last week, a wee old age pensioner.

It hasn't worked out.

"Right, son, I want the one with the man with no toes."

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

Just time for our quickfire round.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and I want you to be faster than a Michelle O'Neill speech.

Hello to more Catholics.

Archbishops are worried.

That's very good...

My colon.

Frankly, tonight, I'm relieved.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Time to end The Muppet Show.

Back to direct rule, then.

CHEERING

It's all right, they find it again when they get married.

West Lothian.

That's where I'm from.

East Lothian.

Put in a claim.

County Derry, County Tyrone, County Antrim...

County Down...

Well, we hope you enjoyed those clips.

Jake, Colin, Neil and I will be back very soon with a brand-new series

of The Blame Game, but will we have anything to talk about?

Well, with Arlene and Michelle in deadlock,

and Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump in a headlock,

I think we'll be all right.

So, until then, don't blame yourselves, blame each other.

Goodbye.