Episode 3 The Blame Game

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to The Blame Game - the show that takes the news,

sends it to an offshore trust fund in the Cayman Islands,

then passes it on to a subsidiary in Mauritius before bringing it back

to Northern Ireland and pretending nothing dodgy has happened.

Yes, we want you to laugh like the head of Apple Computers

getting his tax bill.

I'm Tim McGarry and our very dodgy regular panellists are,

of course, Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

APPLAUSE

And our special guest tonight is a rising star of the stand-up circuit.

In 2016, he had a hit show at the Edinburgh Festival

called Conswervative. His TV appearances

since then include Edinburgh Nights, Comedy Bigmouths, Question Time

and you'll be seeing him soon on BBC's The Mash Report.

Please welcome the fabulous Geoff Norcott!

APPLAUSE

Now, on with the show. The audience asks the questions

and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.

So what is our first question tonight?

What have you, the audience, asked us tonight?

Who's to blame for Neil Delamere looking like Arlene Foster?

Says Jenny in Belfast. Really?

Somebody has been inhaling the ashes from their own RHI boiler.

That's what that sounds like.

Who's to blame for James Brokenshire taking

so long to grow a set of balls?

That's from a Mr Jake O'Kane!

So, what is our first question tonight?

Who do you blame for the Paradise Papers?

Yes, we learnt from the Paradise Papers that

lots of rich people have been tax dodging. Everybody's at it.

Business people, sports stars, actors,

and the people who are in Mrs Brown's Boys.

I know - pot, kettle, black.

It turns out that everybody wants to avoid Her Majesty's Revenue

and Customs, including Her Majesty.

Yes, the Queen has been dodging Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs

even though she actually owns Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.

There's a clue in the title, Liz!

The problem is that all these rich people have accountants

and tax consultants and financial advisers.

I'm lucky, I only have one person to look after all my money -

Mrs McGarry.

And if I'm good she gives me my bus fare

and enough to buy a packet of wine gums on the way home.

But who can we blame for the Paradise Papers?

Top 1%, top 1%, top 1% of earners don't pay any tax.

The Queen's what done my scone in.

No offence, done my scone in here, cos think about this,

this is a head melt, this.

I'm paying all my tax, so some of my tax money,

my money is going to Buckingham Palace.

Right, I don't mind that,

she needs to feed the corgis, I don't mind that.

But my tax is going to the Queen, somebody at Buckingham Palace

is taking that cash and putting it offshore so the taxes I'm

paying her, she isn't paying tax on, which I don't think's fair.

Even Charlie's at it. Prince Charles is at it.

One of his estates, his estate has put money offshore.

He has a lot of estates, he can't watch everything.

"Can't watch everything. Can't read everything.

"Camilla keeps me so busy."

This is the bottom line.

See if we're being honest, all of us, do you know what annoys us?

We can't do it.

We aren't even asked! I don't even get the opportunity

to dodge my taxes. When's the last time you were

at the building society or the bank and you were asked,

"Do you fancy offshore?" It never happens. The last time

I was at my bank - this is true...

I went to the local branch, which involved two buses,

three taxis and a ten-mile walk because the banks decided

we don't need any banks anymore.

You queue up for another two hours, get up to the cashier.

He's about seven, this child, about seven

because they won't employ adults.

So, I hands over my wee wad of sweaty cash to him,

and he takes it off me and looks at it.

To pay the mortgage, that's all I'm doing.

This is BBC Northern Ireland, I've got a mortgage. I hand it to him.

Do you know what he says to me?

"Can you tell me, sir, how you came by this money?"

Cheeky wee ba... He's done it to me before.

"It's my earnings as a male prostitute."

Not a smile, not a giggle, nothing. He calls the manager over.

And I'm banging the glass - "Look at this face, son, look at the face!

"If I was relying on this for money,

"I wouldn't be at a bank bank, I'd be in a food bank!"

The manager comes out - he's 13, right?

"We have to ask that question, sir, it's to do with money laundering."

I says, "Son, let me explain this to you, the only time my money

"gets laundered is when I leave a tenner in the back of the jeans

"and the wife puts it in the washing machine."

There's nowhere else you'd get that. Do you know what I fantasise?

The day will come and you're in the building society

and you go up to the cashier,

and they do the wee button thing,

and she gives you this knowing look.

"Mr O'Kane, the manager would like to see you."

And you're ushered into the back room where all the rich people go

and there's caviar, and champagne, dancing girls and music.

And the manager comes out and shakes your hand and says those two words,

"Off shore."

And it'll never happen to any of us plebs.

It will never happen. Do you know why it won't happen?

Here's the paradox, because we pay our taxes

and we'll never have enough money to be able to dodge paying our taxes!

APPLAUSE

I'll be honest, as a Conservative voter...

AUDIENCE BOOS

Come on, be honest.

-I've never been able to catch one of yous.

-I'm a rare breed.

I'm only on this show because of diversity quotas,

that's the only way.

This is why it's lit up blue. Now it all makes sense.

Tax avoidance is like snogging in public.

It's totally awful unless you personally are involved.

I think that, you know, if you could get away with it,

a lot of people would.

A lot of people call themselves limited companies now.

I'm not a limited company, it's just me

and my MacBook, I just sit there in service stations crying on my own.

Apparently, that's a limited company.

Maybe the thing they need to do is narrow

the definition of a company with a questionnaire.

A - do you have a vending machine? That's a company.

If the photocopier goes wrong,

do you feel it's somebody else's job to sort it out?

Have you got a colleague that was reluctantly

co-opted as a first aider?

That is a company. Not me sitting at a Welcome Break.

If you want to stop crying using your MacBook,

stop looking up his male prostitute service.

I tell you what, this place should, after Brexit,

this place here, we should become a tax haven.

Cos it seems to involve very little work, which suits us perfectly.

All you have to do is just do very little and say "nothing."

If anywhere was made for that job, it's here.

People bringing their money in...

"No bother son, I never saw you, good man."

We've plenty of big sheds as well, nice and warm, to keep

the cash in, keep it nice and dry.

If anybody wants do that.

The Prince Charles thing is interesting,

cos he lobbied for a change in environmental law that would

have benefited the company he had shares in, if the law was changed.

But the thing is, he has lobbied for environmental causes before.

It wasn't a massive sea change.

Do you know when you look at Wayne Rooney tweeting?

When Wayne Rooney tweets by his own account and you can tell the

difference when he's tweeting versus when the marketing companies tweet.

The marketing companies is like, "Freedom is movement,

"Movement is freedom, it's amazing,

"I like to move in the most kinetically and aesthetically

"way pleasing to everybody, freedom is movement - aaahhh."

Then you have a tweet like, "I like turnips, turnips are lovely.

"Oh, turnip looks like my head, smiley face, look, a granny - mmm!"

There's this obvious difference between the two.

So, Charles is doing stuff that you know that he's actually

involved in anyway. If you ever go into a bank manager

and they do say those two words,

"offshore", it'll be other two words cos it's here...

"Off shore, Rathlin Island."

I'm amazed. The number of children, the amount of money you read about,

every year it comes out. They do this survey about how much money

children get at Christmas or Communion money

is the big thing, it's insane.

I was waiting for some wee girl to be mentioned,

some wee girl in Tyrone, Fidelma.

"Oh, look at her with the money in the offshore account!"

I've just realised something, at seven you make

your First Holy Communion, at 13 you make your Confirmation,

that's why the two people in the bank were seven and 13.

APPLAUSE

They opened the bank with a bit of money.

But Bono as well, he was caught. Lots of people were caught.

Everybody was caught.

Bono put money in a company that then invested in various things.

He owns a shopping centre in Lithuania.

I think that's amazing, that Bono owns a shopping centre in Lithuania.

-Bing bong!

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Spillage in aisle four.

It's not something...

I hope it's called PopMart, really genuinely.

Or somebody going up to Bono going,

"I still haven't found... what I'm looking for".

-Show me where and I will follow.

-That would be amazing.

The best one was Lewis Hamilton.

Lewis Hamilton was the best one.

So, Lewis Hamilton imports a jet into the Isle of Man, which,

by the way, my granny never trusted anybody from the Isle of Man.

We used to try to get her to go on caravan holidays

and she used to just sit there. "Have you seen the flag?

"Never trust a flag with three legs and no balls."

It's all Mickey Mouse compared to RHI.

The RHI Inquiry started this week and I expect a thorough,

exhaustive investigation that will inevitably result in the total

exoneration of all guilty politicians.

Now, this... Now, one of the politicians

from here won a political award.

Nigel Dodds, Negotiator of the Year.

That's what he won.

Sinn Fein were ineligible. And...

Very, very stiff negotiators. And...

So now he is "The Negotiator."

It sounds like a wrestling term, The Negotiator.

Arlene, she would be The Incinerator!

APPLAUSE

The other big news story connected with our Conservative friends

is the DLA is becoming the PIP.

And there was a big thing about the DLA...

Disability Living Allowance.

How do I explain that to somebody from England? Let me see...

There are certain supermarkets in Northern Ireland where

there's a small number of car park spaces specially

reserved for people who are able-bodied.

APPLAUSE

A third of people are losing their DLA entirely

but they have to go for these PIPs, these reassessments.

Apparently, they're with qualified health professionals.

They come in and they answer loads of questions.

You hear all sorts of stories of pages and pages of questions.

So, they come in,

it's all sort if, "Can you clench your fist, can you make a fist?

"Can you make a fist? You can't make a fist, OK. Can't make a fist.

"Can you, can you stretch...? Can you stretch at all?

"Can you stretch? You can't stretch.

"Good, I'm taking away your DLA."

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

Yes, the Queen has money in a tax haven, even though

she doesn't legally have to pay any tax.

She's avoiding something she doesn't have to do.

It's a bit like the Pope getting a vasectomy.

And, yes, great news,

RHI is back in the headlines!

The BBC are providing a live video stream of the RHI public inquiry.

And if you think that is something you might be interested

in watching, there's a helpline at the end of the programme.

Last year, the RHI scandal was that hundreds of big empty barns

were being heated for no reason.

Now it's just one big empty barn.

Unfortunately, the barn is called Stormont.

What's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for failed diplomacy?

During his tour of Asia, Donald Trump has

toned down some of his fiery threats against North Korea.

This is not because of a change of heart, it's just that someone

finally told Trump that Iron Man and The Avengers don't actually exist.

And ex-Cabinet minister Priti Patel was sacked for doing work

whilst she was on holiday.

To be fair to Priti, we can't get our politicians to do work

even they're meant to be at work.

But who can we blame for failed diplomacy?

Listen, we're going to sort it out.

The three lads from the Independent Alliance in the Dail are going

to go to North Korea, I don't know if you saw this,

and solve all their problems.

There is a minister who says he wants to go to

North Korea on a fact-finding mission and see

if he can create cultural links between the two and sort it all out.

Geoff, you're looking at me surprised.

If you're wondering why a fellow from Ireland is going to the

Korean peninsula, it's a land mass that's divided, the Southern

economy is doing better than the Northern economy, the Northern

lads don't have a proper government and love weapons and parades. So...

APPLAUSE

It's very similar.

So... So, your man Halligan said...

Did you see this?

He said there's all these links between North Korea and Ireland

and he used to come here all the time

and go to Fleadh Cheoils and ceoltas things, which are Irish music.

Yes, the best minds in the world can't fix the Korean problem

but sure, a bit of Riverdance...

That never did anybody any harm.

That's because Kim Jong-un is looking at Michael Flatley

going, "Imagine the landmines that fellow would clear."

Do you know who we need to send to all the troublespots in the world?

Football fans. Because the Irish Republic football fans

and Northern Irish football fans, very popular all around the world.

I reckon the Swiss are going to love the Northern Irish fans

by the end of the week.

I reckon, Northern Ireland go over there

the fans will just embed themselves in Swiss society.

I reckon by next week,

there'll be little bits of veda in muesli.

There'll be a little attachment on a Swiss army knife to open

a bottle of Buckfast specifically.

And little figures will come out of the clocks,

going, "Cuckooy! Cuckooy!

"Cuckooy!

"Cuckooy!"

Trump actually had a good visit.

In China, it's perceived to have gone well.

But he's not going to have a full state visit in Britain.

He's not going to visit the Queen, cos there was an e-petition.

We all know how successful those usually are.

Very powerful things. In the e-petition,

they said it might cause embarrassment to the Queen.

Has anybody asked her what she wants?

She might see Donald Trump as the most compelling

argument against getting rid of the monarchy.

If you get rid of me, you might get one of these muppets.

-Frying pan, fire.

-"If you're flying offshore,

"here's a bag of cash to bring back from America."

The thing about Trump is he was over in Japan

and when Trump visited Japan, he said mass shootings can happen

anywhere, and Japanese have gone, "Yeah, it's never happened here."

Even Japanese cops don't use guns. Do you know what they use?

Apparently, they get futons and if you're drunk and disorderly,

they wrap people up like a burrito and bring you to Antrim...

..station or whatever.

Wouldn't you love to see them

trying to introduce that here on some sort of exchange?

"Roll him up like a burrito." "What?" "Roll him up like a burrito.

"A what?" "A sausage roll." "Oh, a sausage roll, OK, OK."

Better not do it in the Holylands, some culchie student will go,

"That's some massive Boojum, boys!"

There was some kid on Twitter, I thought

this was it was a lovely story, it was their last day on Twitter

and they were leaving Twitter so on their way out

the door of Twitter, they deleted Donald Trump's account.

For 11 minutes, there was no POTUS on Twitter.

That's the securest we've been in the world for the last year.

The man isn't right.

I'm old enough to remember what diplomacy used to be like,

diplomacy involved ambassadors.

So it was always Russia and America,

the Russian ambassador would call in the American ambassador,

and he'd go, "I know what you're at, I know what you're at.

"I'll knock your bollocks in."

Different language they used, obviously.

It was like Henry Kissinger was in the room.

So then the American ambassador called the Russian ambassador

going, "You're going to knock our bollocks in?

"We'll knock your bollocks in, we're going to chuck you out,"

and then the UN would come in. Now it's an orangutan

sitting in the White House at 3am in his Y fronts tweeting

Kim Jong-Un, "I've got the biggest weapons, the biggest weapons,

"big, massive, massive, biggest, best."

And Kim Jong-Un to him going, "Your ma!"

It could be worse, you could have Boris Johnson.

Ah, Boris Johnson!

Boris Johnson doesn't even look like a real human,

it looks like someone has made a balls of a scarecrow.

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

So, what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for older mammies?

Yes, statistics show that women are having fewer babies.

But, to be fair, they're still having a lot more than men.

Women are also waiting longer to have babies. I blame Netflix.

43% of children in Northern Ireland were conceived

outside of marriage and 2.3% were conceived outside.

Some people...

Very quickly.

Some people say we're rearing a generation of spoilt,

pampered children, so-called snowflakes.

To be fair, it's not snowflake children that's the problem,

it's snowflake schools.

Yes, if a school in Northern Ireland sees a snowflake,

it closes for a week.

Every school in Northern Ireland closed for two days

because it was a bit breezy... during Hurricane Ophelia.

Hurricane Ophelia actually turned out to be

a bit like Jim Alastair - it didn't cross the border.

APPLAUSE

But who can we blame, who can we blame for older mammies?

-Me.

-You?

-Me. No, not, like, personally, but, you know,

blokes like me, because I think that men...

I mean, a lot of studies show that men,

even though women are working harder, getting careers,

men aren't pulling their weight domestically,

so I think a lot of women are waiting longer

to get further ahead in their career.

And I thought I was a progressive bloke, Tim,

and then last year, me and my wife had a baby, and my wife said to me,

"It's the modern age, you've got to do an equal share of the parenting."

And I was like, "Oh, equal...

"Sounds like a lot," do you know what I mean? So...

I was thinking a third tops but...

I mean, I thought that, I didn't say it, I'm not mental,

you know what I mean? But it's hard.

She's gone to work and I have him on Wednesdays and, er...

I mean, we're still... No, yeah...

We're still together, but, you know, you couldn't blame her.

But I have him all day Wednesdays and it's difficult.

And I started fantasising about the old days of being a dad,

do you know what I mean? The Victorian era,

I thought those guys had it made, they did nothing.

I thought, "That's what I want." I just want to have a study,

I want to go and sit in my study,

I don't want to be bothered, do you know what I mean?

I want to think my deep and profound thoughts about Star Wars

and UFC and maybe my wife just brings me the child once a day,

just to show him to me perhaps, nervously looking for my approval

and I go, "Yes, you've done well," and then she backs out anxiously

like that Korean woman off the BBC News clip, you know?

Look, and the thing is with gender, cos when I went to university,

I was one of those guys going,

"Hey, man, gender's a construct," you know?

And then when you have a child,

he doesn't know what male or female means or what it relates to,

but he looks at me and her

and he knows who the competent care provider is.

He looks at her and he's like,

"Well, obviously her." Do you know what I mean?

I mean, "This guy is a nice guy but she can feed me with her body,

"he can't even feed me with a spoon. He's useless, this guy is. Idiot."

Like a lot of dads though,

I found myself quite jealous of the bond that they have early on,

because obviously she carried the child, do you know what I mean?

There's that tactility that goes with conception.

She used to rub my nose in it, she would take photos of her stomach

and I'd say, "Why are you doing that, baby?"

She said, "When he gets older, I want to show him that photo

"and go, 'There was you when you were in your mummy's tummy.'"

I was like, "How can I compete with that?" I'll tell you how. Erm...

Yeah.

We're trying for another one now, every three days.

A little photo, a little photo of the old...

Yeah, and I print it out, Neil, and I date it and I time it

and I put it on the wall in the garage, right?

And then obviously when the child gets to an age

where he can deal with that, like nine or ten, I'll say,

"Come with me, boy, you must know your origins."

And then I'll show him, I'll go,

"There, behold, that's you when you were inside your dad."

Thank you, thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, parents have been told they must send their kids to school,

even if they are not feeling well.

As a highly responsible parent, I always sent my kids to school

even if they were really, really hungover.

Due to political correctness,

some schools ban competitiveness in sports so "everyone's a winner".

In Northern Ireland school sports days,

nobody comes second in a race, they come deputy first.

-Ah, very good.

-APPLAUSE

So what's our next question tonight? Our next question tonight is,

who do you blame for one less attraction at Belfast Zoo?

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Yes. Very, very sad news this week,

Tina the Belfast elephant has passed away.

We will never forget her.

LAUGHTER

Tina was 54 years old, a mere slip of a thing, if you ask me.

And also this week, a rare fin whale has beached itself in Donegal.

And in completely unrelated news,

Donegal is now getting its first sushi restaurant.

But who can we blame for one less attraction at Belfast Zoo?

It was very, very, genuinely sad news.

Because everybody's been, I saw her when I was a kid.

54 and Tina... Didn't know...

Forgot... Well, probably did know at the time and then forgotten,

Tina, that's brilliant, such a North Belfast name, Tina!

It's just...

She's 54 and she came to Belfast 1966

and it's the idea that, you know, she's been here,

she's not an Indian elephant, she's a North Belfast elephant.

That's what she is. She's there going...

That's the noise, you know?

And people are genuinely really upset and all sympathy to them.

And it must be really difficult and... But the way she was found,

came out and I read in the papers during the week, is brilliant

and only here could this happen, right?

Is the keepers were sent out to look out for animals for the zoo

and someone came across Tina in a pet shop in Birmingham.

A pet shop, right? That is just so typical of here.

Somebody walking in and going,

"Hey, I'm looking for some animals for a zoo, all right?

"What have you got? No, I've got enough of them.

"No, no. Chickens? Got loads of those.

"How much for the big grey dog with the long nose? What's that about?"

Swear to God.

LAUGHTER

20 quid, that's how much it cost. Tina cost 20 quid.

So, next, the boy's - "I've got a big grey dog."

He's walking down the road in Birmingham with this thing,

and he gets the boat back to Liverpool.

Boat and he's there...

Then he's into the black taxi at the docks.

Up the Antrim Road with the elephant,

and his head out the window...

Arrives in, they're like, "What did you get?"

"You'll never guess.

"Ta-da!"

"An elephant?" "Yeah, an elephant. Yeah."

"How much was that?" "20...

"50 quid. That was 50 quid, that cost"

So, some people say that it's wrong to keep animals in captivity

but what was the option for Tina?

If she hadn't been kept in a pet shop,

somebody would have bought Tina,

and Tina would have been in Birmingham in some flat somewhere,

do you know what I mean?!

-BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:

-"All right, Tina!

"Watching television - she loves this programme."

You know, it's just...

"I got her in in 1966, I can't get her back out again.

"She won't fit in the lift!"

And...but it is very, very sad, and it was unexpected.

It was very sudden, it was 54 -

which, you know, for North Belfast, is old.

-She just cowped, and... she just collapsed.

-Cowped?

Cowped - sorry, collapsed...

..in her enclosure, and they tried to revive her,

and they didn't know what to do.

I don't know how you try to revive an elephant of that age, CPR...

You know, it's just... Nothing. It's just...

-Can I just say...

-They thought it was kinder to let her go

and probably they were right - but it is genuinely very, very sad.

I have to say, I found it very sad and I commend you,

because I've never seen anybody in tribute before, Colin,

-fair play to you, for dressing as one of her zookeepers.

-I did.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-In memory of Tina.

It said Belfast Zoo on the back.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

Just time for our quickfire round.

..because I pay my taxes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Unless I check them in the shower, in which case, they're...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Which is why I moved out.

LAUGHTER

Good, because I have a small brick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Strabane.

LAUGHTER

Child swallows Rubik's Cube.

LAUGHTER

That's Kevin Spacey's career going down the plug.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

That's it, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel,

Colin Murphy, Geoff Norcott, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm...

I'm Tim McGarry.

Until next time, don't blame yourself, blame each other. Goodbye.