Episode 6 The Blame Game

Hello, very nice to see one welcome once again to The Blame Game, the

show that does for the news what E. Coli does for salad. Yes, in a

break from the more familiar show, which she would see me host, you

will notice that my on and off screen partner Ruth is not with me.

This is a problem because couples to do lots of things separately,

like watching TV, presenting TV, hobbies, or even sex, if you are

Ryan Giggs' sister-in-law. Joining me tonight for the last edition of

the current television series is a side who are much too busy to play

away from home. Please welcome the Republic's No. One, D striker, Mr

Neil Delamere. Ulster's, defender, Jake O'Kane. And Colin Murphy. But

our special guest tonight is the comedian who has appeared in the

BAFTA award-winning sitcom so Rev, The Thick Of It and does a guest on

Mock The Week, Have I Got News For You went Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

So down to business. The way the blame game works is -- the way The

Blame Game works is you send your questions to [email protected]

and Alan knowledgeable, esteemed panel then answer them. Let's see

what has come in. You know the score here. Right, OK, questions,

extortion at... Oh, yes, seen that, who do you blame... Oh, look at

this. Who do you blame for the collapse of the heavens that far

gay saunas in Derry, says Chris in Cookstown. What has been going on?

Don't you know. No. How come you know? Where do you think he got a

shirt? There is a gay sauna opened in Derry. It opened in February,

but it got planning permission this week. Too much detail, Colin.

guy opened it in February and had great faith in his business, build

it and they will come. LAUGHTER. And they did. We had better stop

ourselves. He built it and they came and they are still coming in

their droves. There is a big kick up about it, some Baptist ministers,

it was on the radio, it has been all over the papers, he is saying

it is an abomination. That is their favourite word, religious people,

when something is slightly gay, abomination, which is slightly

close to bomb. He is not the only one, the Presbyterian Moderator, a

newly installed guy, he is talking about a GP in England, political

correctness really. A GP in England is in trouble because he said to

one of his patients during a consultation, that he should seek

solace in Jesus and what not allowed to do this. You're not

allowed to bring your face into the surgery, it is not important. I

Riggott -- I respect his guide -- a respect his opinion to be a

Christian, but I don't want to hear this from a doctor, the same way as

if I was an atheist, someone in to astrology, sitting there going your

cancer, you don't want to hear that and find out at his prediction, not

a diagnosis. You don't want a Buddhist saying its terminal but

don't worry, we'll get it next time round. You don't want to be waiting

for an operation and the last thing you before -- the last thing you

see is the surgeon going... It is PC gone mad, all over the place, an

expression I hate. Terminology chases, some terms are offensive,

you have to change them, like convicted murderer, you can't call

them back. You have to call them a special adviser. It is very

politically correct. What do you mean? I don't get that one. Digging

a hole and then going to get out. The department of culture, arts and

leisure, there is someone in charge, the previous person in charge was a

creationist, in charge of museums. Now there is someone involved,

someone in charge now that believes in the Big Bang theory. It is more

the planning permission, he had it in February, now he has planning

permission now. You would imagine he had planning permission for a

temporary correction! -- erection. I love the fact he has won in

Belfast as well. He went, where we live open another gay sauna, Stroke

City. Yeah. The one in Belfast, I discovered about it today. Don't. I

did, because I was looking to get my car fixed and the place where I

get the car fixed turns out it has exactly the same name as the one in

Belfast. I could called the one in Belfast and I was looking for the

phone number, I put it on Google, that's not the same place. Did you

go like that? That's not the same place. Although I am glad, I knew

it wasn't the same place. It wasn't the first time I had looked at this

place because the problem with the car was the exhaust was hanging off

and you don't want to turn up to an establishment like this arriving

and saying what's wrong, and saying, it's my exhaust. I had a feeling

this chap from the Pentecostal minister, he sounded like he had

Dutch courage. He got up in the pulpit and noticed that his wife in

the congregation or audience, she looked rather splendid that day,

and said to the congregation, don't you think my wife looks sexy in

that outfit? They were reasonably appalled. He said I can't wait to

get her home, to be perfectly honest. It must be difficult, if

you are at work, your wife is there and you notice how good she is

looking, Eamonn, I don't know, if you can sympathise with that. Have

you ever been there on the couch. It gives a new meaning to laying on

of hands, I tell you. He will think there is an advert break coming up,

thank God. Discussion is about to take off. It was in Belfast I think.

It is the idea of a minister of any description getting slightly

aroused, I find it weird. My wife looks particularly sexy. I can't

wait to get her home! It is more disturbing, I have seen it at Mass.

I'd... I had an image, surely they would love that. I would go up to

community in a fire was Tom Elliot, walking in the middle of mass, with

your friends, surrounded by a bemused Catholics can you could

pretend it was the way home from Drumkrieg. The Protestants, it must

be like me getting dropped insults the class. If you imagine a

Presbyterian getting dropped into mass. Next you are shaking hands,

what? Have you ever seen salsa dancing? I think you are confusing

mass for flash dance, the film. Jazz hands are Jesus! Nobody does

that. They do! Taking collections... There is no hugging at Mass. Only

the person at the left. It is the Orange Order, they have received a

complaint about Tom Elliott. He has managed to offend both the Orange

Order and Sinn Fein. If he keeps this up he was Ul-Haq -- he will

soon have no Facebook friends at all. OK, what else can we get?

Samantha... A serious question. Who do you blame for children selling

kidneys? Oh, I blame the children. There was a young Chinese chap. He

chose to do it himself. He read an advert. It said, organ donors

wanted. But that is misuse of the advert. It turns out they wanted

people to sell their organs and he had an operation, didn't he, they

removed a kidney and they gave him �2,000 for it. Which she then spent

a month iPad. That is what he had wanted the money for. It is

appalling. I did not know it was going on. I bought a kidney on the

internet this week and I did not know I could have spent the money

on an iPad. It is very frustrating. All these things are available on

the internet. I did not realise the extent of the organs you can get. I

can get everything I need to get a good pate, without leaving the

house! Grocer! I bet you are sorry you ask the question in the first

place. I can't see the point of an eye pad apart from playing angry

birds. I haven't got one. -- and iPad. I can't believe he saw the

kidney. The bit that cleanses the whole system. He will only need one.

I know that. But he's not dead. There isn't it dialysis app he can

download. He stole the only has one kidney foreign iPad. A Sony is much

better rouser computer. He doesn't even have a thingy, what do you

call it? A keyboard. What was your job before we went into comedy?

Window-cleaner. Computer programmer? I was. APPLAUSE. Which

basically as a window cleaner. story of the Chinese guide, where

does it end? At kit sold a kidney. You have kids making up in their

bedroom, a whole big hi-fi system, the kid going, hey, how much did it

cost you, an arm and a leg! You absolutely no there are kids

watching this going, go on, 2000 quid. 2000 quid! Take both mine for

2000 quid. I will do it-. Come here, give me it. Will they purchase a

hi-fi system? Hello, I'd like to buy it a high-five. This is the

Vicarage, please install the latest telephone to my house. Those things,

what do call them? They make a funny... I'd like one of your

jungle drums, please. Decks. It is like two bald men fighting over a

comb. In China, in the province, some university students are

donating sperm to buy computers as well. That place in Derry must be

coming down with computers. I think they have an internet cafe next

door. You have to splash out! Talking about splashing out...

it doesn't make sense. Donating sperm to buy a computer. That is

the wrong order. It was only when I got my computer... He became a

window cleaner? Well, yes. This is true, on Sky News this morning, we

reported from China that they are breeding cars that make or produce

human breast milk. But how long, this was Sky News. How can they

produce human breast milk? He hasn't a clue, he just read! --

reads! It is all there, human breast milk. You can have human

breast milk ice-cream, cupcakes. The breast milk thing, I would not

really like it myself, if you have a newborn baby and it is fed and

there is a cow in bed beside you,... Do you get the cow and squirted

onto your Iran to make sure it is the right temperature? -- on to

your arm. They have developed, we are talking about balls, Belfast

have their own balls, on Broadway, it will be finished this week,

Belfast balls. Balls of Broadway. The Falls claim everything that is

good. Couldn't Falls Road claim everything that is good for us to

be disclosed to the village. The big ball under a small ball, two

big balls. Stay with me. Stay with me on this. That is the most

Belfast think I have ever heard in my life. Two big balls. You have a

big ball under we big ball. We are talking seriously big balls. We are

talking big balls, with lights on. They are supposed to represent the

sun rising in Belfast over the I predict within six weeks, some

child in the Village area will have the largest climbing frame in the

history of Belfast. The big bowl? It is a big, big bowl. It is a

massive climbing frame, it is a massive temptation for a drunk.

Built over if a flyover, it is insane. It is like as Orb, the

adventure sport you can do in Australia, you get in and you're

pushed down the hill. Some guy tried to convince me to do it.

you are driving out of Belfast, you're rear-view mirror will show

you the last thing, too big bulls. People driving down to Belfast will

think, it's a load of balls. cost an extraordinary amount of

money. The lady from the Arts Council says, you have to look at

this in the bigger context. There is no possible justification for

�486,000 of public money that just pronounce people of genitals in a

place they are rapidly leaving! people annoyed that it is clear the

Falls Road? At some point will it be rolled down the Shankill Road?

Like Indiana Jones, just promises running away! That would work on

the Westlink. Now you have given them all ideas! Responsible

broadcasting? You'll have them out on Friday night tried appears that

bring down the motorway. That would be class! They are trying to open a

new Oxbridge University in London. It is to rival Oxford. It is like

the franchise for an offshoot. Where did you go to university?

Emperor. Edinburgh. Do you know how a few students at Queen's

University were used half those words. And it's a rowing Jersey.

�18,000 for entry fees. It has got be twice as good basically, which

means that the vodka shots have to be half the price in the union bar.

You should only get table service at the dining restaurant. For that

price! Look at me, Tarquin, I'm hilarious! There may be a lot of

annoyance at home at the moment, working to rule. This is because of

legal aid, there are only getting �25,000 for 30 minutes. They could

possibly have done that, darling! There are now going on strike.

There's guys in presence going, come on, I pay you! You have the

same accent as the Chinese guy who cut off his own arm and leg. This

could be an opportunity for a voluntary lawyer's. In England we

have voluntary police officers who are not good enough to be police

officers but fancy having a go. He might be someone who never had the

time to qualify and you could take on hardened criminals and see how

it goes for them. Something to add to you or dinner party conversation.

Terrible bad luck with this chap today, he's gone down for 18 years!

Fascinating place to visit though! What you want him defending you?

A new university established in London will charge �18,000 a year,

it probably won't prove to popular because the parents are praying

that money, they will expect their children to be sober occasionally.

If you did that on Sky News after a good story, that would be amazing.

That is the future of news. Wright, another question. Let me delve into

my commuter -- computer again. Who do you blame for bogs in food?

is about the E.coli thing! Yes, it is. My dad said the most amazing

thing about this. He said, there really tearing the cars would have

this E.coli thing. They don't know what is causing this, bean sprouts,

cucumbers. They don't cause it, it is the bacteria in our system. It

is in slurry and there are spraying it on vegetable out there. They

don't know if it's been sprouts or cucumbers. Farmers and local

producers are losing money, the Jolly Green giant is now a pimp.

Kids are delighted though because you have mothers saying, it was

vegetables and they say, are you in St, it could kill me! What you eat?

You could eat baby food which is really popular now. Lady Gaga is

into the baby food diet. She wore a dress made of made a few months ago

and animal rights campaigners were going to throw eggs at her to

protest. That is dangers the close to a full Irish breakfast. Heston

Blumenthal has released mustard flavour ice-cream. You can get it

in his restaurant because I have been to his restaurant! Very nice,

very weird because they give us a seafood course and with that they

gave us and I pot and on the I pot was just sound effects. Waves and

The Seagulls because we were eating a seafood course but when I was a

child eating a burger, my mother never stood behind me and made Carl

There was a headline during the week because this book has spread

around all over Europe and so somebody in Sweden had died from

this and there was a headline in the Daily Star and it said,

cucumber kills Swede. It's worse than that because it's all centred

around an 0 German city. Cucumbers are ruining hamburgers, which is

something I have said for years. In a restaurant, my girlfriend and I

were blindfolded. It wasn't in Derry called Heaven by any chance?

It means you concentrate on the flavour and texture of the food

because you cannot see it. He would do it with a girlfriend but you

wouldn't do it with your male friends. He would have year Flute

I just heard the label slop down. It couldn't happen in Belfast. You

couldn't have a knife and fork, you just had a spoon and it was

annoying because there was a French guy saying, can you tell what it

is? There I felt something on my shoulder! You basically eating in a

hostage situation! Where was this? I can't remember, I was blindfolded.

The Western hotel in Dublin. Ilott take a fish to per -- I will take a

Tune in to Sky News on Monday, it will all be different. Time for my

favourite round, this is the quick- fire round. I read a headline from

the six papers and I wanted you to be quicker than at David Cameron

visit to Northern Ireland. System has let me down. Says the

inflatable woman. South American frog cures cancer. I thought Kermit

the Frog was clever. Historic Lurgan building saved from Sale.

being in Lurgan. Smugglers charge �3004 at ticket to the UK. Still

cheaper than a travelling by Ryan Air with excess baggage. BBC boss

says obscene joke is a delight. BLEEP. That is funny but we cannot

say that! Pipe bomb found in Homebase. Only �12.99. Prince

Philip at 90. Get off my land! swans are killed. Darts player

suspected. That is it, that is the end of the show. Please thank our

guests, Neil Delamere. Jake O'Kane. Colin Murphy and our special guest,