Episode 1 The Fast Show Special

-Ted, I wondered if you'd had a chance to think about...

-I'm not interested in coming to see Lady Gaga, sir.

No. Fair enough, Ted.

This house has been rudderless for far too long, Mother.

If we do not take action, and take it soon,

your fortune, the estate,

our very family will be thrown to the four winds.

It's all happening so fast, Hugh.

You returned from India like a tornado,

and I've had no time to think.

You do agree, though, that Bates had to go?

I will concede that a new head butler is something

I ought to have attended to a very long time ago.

And this new fellow comes highly recommended.

Right, shut it! I'm in charge here.

You, put your bloomers on and go and make me a cup of tea, two sugars.

-Ah, Monkfish, you've arrived.

-Shut it, Lord Snooty!

What do you think this is? Harry Potter?

Go and make me something to eat, I'm starving.

-VOICEOVER:

-'Coming soon to the BBC, in a desperate attempt to copy ITV,

'who themselves were only copying the BBC when they were good,

'and had their own ideas, and didn't have to nick things off ITV.

'Even though, as I said, ITV nicked it off them.

'John Actor plays a tough, uncompromising butler in...'

-Now, Monkfish, I do...

-What are you doing still standing there?

I told you to do one! Now, jog on!

Right, you, I want you upstairs polishing my boots.

You, I want you downstairs polishing my helmet.

Come on. Stay there, and lay off the After Eights.

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

HE WINCES

Do mine eyes deceive me, Paul,

or hast thou brought the devil's wheels on to this hallowed ground?

You know I can't afford to buy a new car, Swiss.

Even if I could, I couldn't afford to run it, or get it insured.

Yeah, I suppose you're right, Paul. I suppose you're right.

We haven't sold a car in weeks.

I'm a bit nervous about taking this out on the road, to be honest.

Oh, no, Paul. Riding a bike is...

very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First, check that it can take your weight,

and it's the correct height for mounting.

Then, feel the saddle.

Is it large, small, hard, soft, leathery, warm, comfortable?

It's entirely down to personal preference.

Give the frame a good going-over, and lubricate where necessary.

If possible, peel back the rim,

and check the inner tubes for any leakages or blockages.

Then you should be ready to climb in to the saddle and start pedalling.

It's important that your ride should be hard and firm.

Should your tyres become flaccid,

it could lead to an embarrassing loss of control.

If in doubt, simply dismount and give it a good hand-pump.

You should be restored to your former glory in a matter of moments.

And remember, Paul, be helmet aware at all times,

and never, ever switch lanes whilst riding

without first giving due warning.

Finally, Paul, once you've reached your destination,

come to a gentle stop,

and dismount slowly.

And then, for God's sake, Paul,

don't leave it standing around in the hallway.

Get it out of the house.

And maybe chain it to some railings.

-Cancer!

-HE SCREAMS

HE GRUNTS AND TAPS FINGERS

Or maybe it was a Scorpio, I don't know.

HE CHUCKLES AND MUMBLES

I remember that... Ap-bep-bep-bep, whoosh!

Like that, then, look out, be coming back the other way,

wha-choo, like that!

And, in fact, it was frightened there,

because it was analogous to the golfer's swing.

-And I...

-HE CHUCKLES

-MUMBLING

-Ooh! Ha-ha!

One was about yea big,

one of them was about yea big,

and mine was only about that big,

but it was by far the heaviest of the three.

HE LAUGHS

INCOHERENT THROUGH LAUGHTER

You know, right there, he said, "Fodor's lemma!

"In modern parlance, the nonstationary ideal is normal."

-MUMBLING

-I said, we won't get there with me!

-They said it was one like them...

-HE MAKES WHISTLING NOISE

HE CHUCKLES

But I, I sat down, like that, round like that,

-and Oscar Hammerstein was there...

-MUMBLING

..it was the Aga Khan, and I remember he put his hand like that,

and he had an absolutely marvellous hand,

the king of spades, the ace of spades,

-the five of...

-MUMBLING

-LAUGHTER

-I said, "Well, I'm out of there!"

HE CHUCKLES

And I remember thinking that I had a kind of fruit and chicken drink.

HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY

..I remember talking to him, and he made absolutely no sense at all.

HE LAUGHS AND MUMBLES

-And I said, "Look..."

-MUMBLES

"..because, you see, I'm afraid that I am very, very drunk."

Is that the new one? 4G? Oven glass?

Dual symbol technology? Midget sound stage?

Thought library? That is a blindin' phone.

My mate had the first one in the country, over nine months ago.

He had to queue up all night at the Apple Store in Beijing.

Worth it, though. Get a good package with it?

Oh, I don't know, I just got the basic. I like the camera.

"I like the camera"? You can shoot a movie on that phone

and mix the sound live in 3D.

In 3D!

My pal's already made two films on his phone.

First one was like a sort of indie, avant-garde porn film,

and the second one was just a hardcore porn film.

Sent off to the Guardian Film Club. Nothing!

I can't be bothered. I just want a phone, you know?

Well, luckily, there are a few people round with a bit more vision than you, bit more ambition.

Look, what's the greatest invention of all time?

-I don't know. Something by Dyson?

-No, no, no, no.

Look, the daddy of them all, Sky+.

Say what you like about Robert Murdoch,

but when I go down the pub and I come back

and my telly has taped England versus Latvia on ITV And Sky,

that's 11 different pundits at half-time.

Plus, I've watched it in the pub anyway - I'm a three-time winner!

You should've got a free case with that.

My mate got a free pair of clogs with his.

You can ask for whatever you want. Buyers' market, innit?

And it will be for another 20 years, I reckon.

Then, a new white working class will rise up

who's prepared to work hard, and listen,

and not spend all day sitting in a toilet reading the newspaper

on the firm's time. What apps you got?

You may or may not be familiar

with an experiment

conducted in the 1890s

known as Pavlov's dogs,

which proves the psychological theory known simply as conditioning.

In an homage to Pavlov, myself and Dave here have,

over the last four weeks, recreated the same laboratory conditions,

where I play the role of the dog.

The bell was rung, and my reward was a can of baked beans.

I was conditioned to associate the bell with the beans.

-Dave.

-BELL RINGS

HE BREAKS WIND

Thank you, Dave.

Already, I am picturing the beans,

and I'm experiencing an excess of saliva in my mouth.

BELL, HE BREAKS WIND

As Dave continues to ring the bell,

the conditioned reflex is reinforced.

BELL, BREAKS WIND

As the beans are not served, I feel hunger pangs in my stomach and...

BELL, BREAKS WIND

-OK, Dave, you can stop the bell now.

-BELL RINGS

-Enough, already!

-BREAKS WIND

You got Skype? I prefer the mystery of the disembowelled voice

on the other end of the line.

Remember them calls you made to your mum? Reversing the charges

after missing the boat on a school journey to Boulogne?

"Hello, Mum? I've missed the ferry!

"I've been nicked for spitting on a statue of General de Gaulle."

Do you know what I miss most? Writing a letter to a bird.

There are things you can say on a page you can't say in person.

Licking the envelope, trying to get the stamp straight.

Running to the postbox, your heart beating. "What will she say?"

Ahh! That's really sweet.

I'm only joking, you doughnut!

Look, there's an app on here called Monkey In Space.

When you shake it, the air leaks out of his helmet,

-and he dies screaming!

-LAUGHS MANIACALLY

'Heth-eth-eth-eth! Chanel 9 News.'

Buono estente.

-Buono estente.

-Et bonjour revoir.

Il headline news internacionale.

Tomulto rioting buletova in-a Ukrayne.

Trolls tack lund fur bridelsson.

Tomulte rioting gasolina Molotov in-a illa Irlande.

-Begorrah!

-Orangey-boys, orangey-boom, so it is now.

Sminki-pinki gas of tears up ata boys.

Chris Waddle. Glenn Hoddle.

Pussy wi-wi, tis melpo,

ruis lee, schnauzer.

Falia hela, falia hele, falia hela, hello, boys.

Tourettes. Baa!

El Presidente tontoro avec les concubines mit erie.

Heth-eth-eth-eth-eth!

Feline dans l'arbres!

-Ho-ho-ho!

-Me can't believe it!

-Hili boschas.

-Hili boschan.

Billy H-Ocean.

Ton speaky-spokey persone

contra il rioting Ingleterre a Londre, Camilla Batman-Khaftan.

Some people are asking, are these riots racially-motivated,

or are they politically-motivated?

Is this a down-trodden underclass expressing their rage

that they have no stake in society?

Or maybe it's just an expression of mindless greed?

But the question they should be asking,

and I know from my years of working with under-privileged kids, is,

does my bum look big in this?

Botox.

Tutto Spudulike ton meteorologicos chick feminatarari

-ton retorno triumvale, di Poula Fisch! Poula.

-Poula.

Don meteorologicos Republicca.

A Valle Portos, scorchio!

Mi Nia Kuntera Interior, scorchio!

Mi Nia Kuntera Exterior, scorchio!

Warzona Esta, scorchio!

Warzona Sud, scorchio!

Costa...scorchio!

Botox.

It's gone midnight, and all me posh, arty friends have gone home,

but I'm still a tiny bit peckish.

So I'm going to let you in on a little secret...

I'm going to give you the recipe for an unbeatable gourmet feast.

It's nice, but naughty,

and the brilliant thing about it is you can make it from leftovers.

So, take some peas...

Mmm, lovely!

Grate on some cheese...

Lovely!

And then I add my secret ingredient,

and this is what really makes it a five-star snack...

chocolate.

And I call it chocolate cheesy peas.

'Mmm, lovely.

'Who could resist that?

'Mmm! Chocolate cheesy peas.'

GENTLE JAZZ MUSIC

Well, hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.

Mmm.

Great.

APPLAUSE

Tonight on the show, we've got one of the legends of jazz,

veteran crooner Herbie Jackson.

Nice!

His singing career's spanned over 50 years.

He's shared the stage with the likes of Frank Sinatra, Mel Torme,

-and Tony Bennett.

-Hey, you know what Mel Torme's nickname was?

No, go on, remind us, Herbie.

-HE LAUGHS

-It was The Velvet Frog!

Who?

So, Herbie,

can I say tonight you're looking as fit as a proverbial jazz fiddle.

You know, I think...my music has kept me going all these years, you know?

And, er, my music has kept me going all these years, you know?

I mean, when I get up there on that stage, you know,

I feel like I'm...20 years old again,

especially with this wonderful young band that I'm touring with.

-So, what are you going to be playing for us tonight?

-Huh?

You know, I think we'll let the music speak for itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, Herbie Jackson and the New Jazz Pioneers.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.

MUSIC STARTS

# It's so great to be back

# Where I belong... #

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to take this opportunity

to introduce you to some of the guys in the band.

On the drums, Mr Nat Penrose!

DRUM FLOURISH

# So great... #

Ladies and gentlemen, someone who needs no introduction from me,

on the drums, Mr Nat Penrose!

DRUM FLOURISH

# Let me tell you... #

His hands are insured for one million bucks, ladies and gentlemen.

On the drums...Mr Nat Penrose!

DRUM FLOURISH

Mantinatu el Colonel Murmas Nelling qui con resultas sporting soccerball.

Shanty Town, zero, Death Squad, uno.

FC Twente One, zero, Smallboyzindaparc, zero.

Footerklub Kommunisto, zero, Tortureklub USA, due.

Millionairos Athletico, sixa, Millionairos Non-Athletico, cinque.

Multi-Millionairos, eleveno, Multi-Multi-Millionairos, twelvo.

Shipping Magnates Utd, diexo, Hedgefund Wanderers, diexo.

Multi-Multi- Millionairos-Billionairos, eleveno,

Arsenal, zero.

Grazie, Colonel.

Mantinato tonussi economiki con Mikki Disco.

Oy-oy.

DISCO BEAT

# Euro come, euro go Euro high, euro low

# Euro no good

# Euro hot, euro cold Put all your money into gold

# Euro no go-o-od-a!

# Disco news! #

-I predict a riot!

-Botox.

-Well, this is nice, isn't it, Johnny?

-I'll say.

To be out in the fresh air after being cooped up inside that stuffy old hospital.

Oh, that was rotten for you, darling,

but if you will ride your bicycle without a helmet

through the village... You know how those lorries thunder through!

Yes, I think I should have my head examined.

(You've had your head examined about 50 times over the last ten years.)

Still, I don't think that knock to the old noggin

has done any...any lasting damage,

and here I am, able to capture England's rural heritage in paint.

So, I must crack on. Going to need some green for the fields,

some orange for the roofs of those farm buildings down there,

and, er... My goodness, Katie, just look at those deep,

dark shadows under the trees there.

-What colour do you think we should use for that?

-Midnight blue.

Do you think so? There's not a lot of colour in there.

Er, or a very, very dark brown, or burnt umber.

Or, or... Or ebony. Ebony!

-Or black.

-Oh...

Yes, I...I don't know why I don't just get the black out.

I think I shall use quite a lot of black in this painting.

I don't know why I've never really used it before.

It's perfect for those blackbirds over there,

that thick column of black smoke rising from the blacksmiths.

After all, Katie, it's not an ebonysmith, is it?!

HE CHUCKLES Right. Erm, OK.

I've got a couple of pork pies from that funny little man in Broughton.

The one with the toupee that looks like a squirrel that's been run over?

Tell you what, Katie, just pop those down there,

because I want to quickly sketch those Friesian cows in

before they move away, because I love the contrast there

between the black and the...white!

White! White!

Like the white noise that plays ping-pong inside my skull!

White! Like the pallid face of death!

White! White, like everybody in a senior position at the BBC!

White! White, like Simon Cowell's trousers!

White, like the bleached bones of your long-dead lover, Teddy Pumpkin.

-SHARP SLAP

-Orange!

Orange, like the burning pit in the sun that will one day engulf us all!

Orange! Orange! Orange!

Listen, can you hear?

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

SNORING

Me, the 13th Duke of Wymbourne, here, in an old people's home,

with my reputation?

Are they quite mad?

It all still works, you know.

Just takes a little longer, that's all.

None of them will remember a thing in the morning.

Trouble is, neither will I.

Oh, well.

Dentures out, granny. Here I come.

Our favourite place to eat, well, it's the Hare And Hounds.

Last time we went there, I chose the corn-fed chicken.

I said to Roy, "Ooh, I can taste that corn." What did I say, Roy?

"Ooh, I can taste that corn."

Well, Roy, like you, ordered gammon, which came with an egg on top.

I said to Roy, "Don't you DARE eat that egg on top of the gammon!"

What did I say, Roy?

"Don't you DARE eat that egg on top of the gammon!"

Last time he had an egg, he was bound up for weeks.

Roy's bowels are legendary.

He's either fully impacted, or loose as a goose.

I said to Roy, "There's no in between with you, is there?"

What did I say, Roy?

"There's no in between with you, is there?"

So what I've done now is I've got a chart on the fridge,

so I can keep a check on his bottom activities.

Every day, when he's been, he ticks either "runny",

"stubborn", or "solid".

I said to Roy, "It's a full-time job, monitoring your stools."

What did I say, Roy?

"It's a full-time job, monitoring your stools."

Although, I must admit, we went to a wedding,

and I had a bit of a dickie tummy.

I said to Roy, "This food doesn't suit my palate."

What did I say, Roy?

"I've just followed through."

I did NOT say that, Roy!

I said it had just started to peep through.

On the drums, Mr Nat Penrose!

DRUM FLOURISH

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce some of the band.

On the drums...

In starlight, orange hands...

SHARP SLAP

-Green!

-Oh...

Green, like the gangrenous corpse of hope!

-Green, like...

-SLAP

Black!

Black!

Black, like Japanese hair

that I'm hiding in...

'New from Greenland, Gourmet Party Frozen Cheesy Peas!

'A solid three-tonne lump of frozen cheese and peas for only £1!

'That's £1 for three tonnes of cheesy peas!

'The tasty gourmet snack for the poshest of dos.

'Ambassador, you're spoiling us!

'Three bloody tonnes!'

# Carried away by a moonlight shadow

# He passed on worried and warning... #

How you doin'? Dave Angel, eco warrior,

OG, original gangster.

Eeeee!

I've just come back from Helsinki in Finland

where I was attending the new fuel summit.

It is amazing what these young inventors are coming up with

to power the old "jam jar".

While I was there, I sat down in the delegates' hotel

to a fantastic cooked English breakfast,

one of the few things in which the Brits still rule the world.

Double egg, bacon, sausage, grilled tomatoes, one mushroom,

and two slices of "holy ghost".

Boosh! Wallop!

Let's get ready to rumble!

I was joined by a number of other delegates.

I could tell from what country they'd come by the little flags

on their shirts.

First of all, a Spanish geezer come in.

He's had a boiled egg, a few peppers,

and then he's boshed out a couple of anchovies.

I was disgusted!

I could barely finish me eggy-bacey-boo.

I was trying to calm meself down

when a "septic tank" walked in the room.

He's gone up to the buffet, and he's come back with pancakes,

eggs, bacon, sausage, 'ash browns,

kiwi fruit, strawberries, and two cakes...

on the same plate!

Then he's got the brass neck to say to me,

"Hello, sir. Are you having a nice day?"

I've said, "Havin' a nice day?! You mug!

"Pancakes are on Shrove Tuesday, not in the middle of summer,

"with lemon juice and sugar, you slag!"

And then two geezers have come in wearing dressing gowns.

They've had Coco Pops and champagne.

I've gone, "Oi! Where do you think you are? Disney World?

"What is it, Yogi Bear's birthday? You spraltzy pair o' dildos!

"Get out!"

Then, Japanese fella's come in.

He's gone for the raw fish. I've saved him the bother.

I've got up, and I've gone, SMASH!

And I've laid the man spark out.

I've gone, "That's for the tuna, the whales,

"and the British car industry."

In future, I'll have breakfast in my room.

# The last that ever she saw him... #

QUIET CHATTER

Good afternoon, madam.

I won't waste my time offering you any samples of my lovely perfumes,

cos I'm afraid we don't stock any for people like you.

However, let me ask you this.

-SLOWLY:

-Are you wheelchair-bound permanently?

-What?!

-I mean, are you in it all the time,

or did you just get one today to secure a parking place?

SHE CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY

I'm in it all the time,

and I don't drive, I use the bus.

Ach! Man, you're one of them.

Now, move along, cos I think you're blocking my access.

Why would I need any different type of perfume to anyone else?

Look...perfumes are made specifically for different types of people,

otherwise we'd all smell the same, and then where would we be?

Perfumes are aspirational,

and, frankly, nobody aspires to be like you.

No offence.

So are you saying you won't sell me any perfume?

Can I ask you this, however?

Do you find it hard to stay fresh,

what with the sitting around all day?

-Oh,

-BLEEP

-off, you

-BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!

Ach! Man, that lot, they don't just hold up the buses -

you can't say anything to them!

Very over-sensitive.

Ain't the universe brilliant?

I mean, it's so profoundly big, and there's so much in it.

I mean, not like IKEA, it's bigger than that,

and more profound. Wow.

I'm 48 years old, and I still live with me mam! Brilliant!

Are you, er...?

Are you on Twitter, Ted?

Uh...

Sorry, sir, I don't understand the question.

Do you tweet?

Well, I wouldn't really know about that, sir.

Er, Twitter, Ted, it's a social networking app

in which you communicate with your followers

using 140 characters or less.

Erm, you know, sir,

the more you say, the less sense it seems to make to me, sir.

No, well, I must assume from your responses, Ted,

that you are not on Twitter.

Certainly, my, er...searches for you on there have proved fruitless.

You do have a computer?

Oh, yes, sir, yeah.

And perhaps you're familiar with Facebook, Ted?

-Ah, yes, sir.

-And do you have many friends?

-Er...online, or in real life?

-Well, er, both.

Yes, quite a few, sir.

I have, er, five followers on Twitter -

my great aunt Cecilia, somebody in Japan,

er, my bank manager,

the local shoe shop, of course,

and, er, for some reason, the...

the rapper 50 Cent.

Most peculiar chap.

Well, perhaps I should, er, go on Facebook, Ted?

Maybe, sir.

And would you be my friend?

Er, online, or in real life, sir?

N-No, no, please don't think I was asking...

No, that would be, er, a-an imposition, Ted. I'd...

But, perhaps, erm...

Well, s-sir...

the way I look at it, sir, you know, you are my employer,

but I have known you since you were a little boy,

and I've watched you grow up, sir,

and over the years we've had many chats about weighty matters,

like the drainage in the lower field, and...

TED SIGHS

Well, knowing you as I do,

I think it's best we keep it online.

Yes...

Y-Yes, I-I agree entirely, Ted, that's, er...

Yes, w-we, we must keep it online, Ted.

You go past the bathroom appliances,

there's a little garden centre out the back.

-And I can get trellis there?

-Oh, yeah, you get it by the yard.

You're a dark horse. Kept that one quiet.

What's the old dog been up to now?

-He's only bangin' that new weather girl.

-No! You been hangin' out the side of it, have you?

The BACK of it, Ron, you silly old fool!

Was it the back or the side, Clive?

Back, side, front, bottom, up, down, and right round the bend!

I totally smashed it to smithereens.

Did you leave it in a puddle on the floor?

-I totally wrote it off and left it in a bucket!

-Ha-ha!

Oh, isn't it, you know, the old slap'n'tickle, hmm? French kissing?

The five Fs - find 'em, then forget 'em, find 'em again, er...

Er, pheromones, isn't it? Marvellous. Totally smashed it.

I tell you who I'd like to have a go on - that new bird in Countdown.

-Not 'alf.

-I'll have a vowel please.

Have another vowel, another vowel, another vowel,

consonant, consonant. "Ooh, what word have you got?"

Oooohh!

THEY LAUGH Aaahhh!

-While you're down there, love.

-Yeah, go on!

Smash it a bit for him, will you, love? For mash, get Smash!

-Excuse me, Clive.

-You can fluff me any time you like, love.

Why don't you two girls get it on together? Give us a bit of a show, eh?

Yeah, and while you're at it I could hang out the side

while Clive smashes it into a bucket, isn't it?

Oh, OK. You want it? Come on.

MUSIC: "Yakety Sax"

THEY SLAP HIS HEAD IN TURN

SLAPPING CONTINUES