Episode 3 The Ginge, the Geordie and the Geek


Episode 3

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Who's first?

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LAUGHTER Oh, sorry.

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Oh!

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Can I have £10 on horse number two, please?

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Thank you. Cheers.

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Go on. Go on, son.

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Go on. Go on, have him.

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Yes, yes. Go on!

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Whoa! These roads are treacherous, I tell you.

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Treacherous.

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Right.

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I think there's a green man up the road. Hey.

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You trying to say I can't do my job?

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No. Cos I will have you know I have saved countless lives.

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Do you think this job is easy?

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I'm sure it's a very difficult job being a...

0:01:410:01:44

lollipop man.

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A lollipop man?

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Does this look like a lollipop to you?

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Do you fancy a lick? Lick it. Lick it!

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I don't want to.

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This is a beacon of safety.

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And I am The Protector.

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Hey, Protector, what's going on?

0:02:030:02:06

I'm trying to help him across the road.

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And he's calling me a lollipop man. A lollipop man?

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What'd he call you that for, Protector? I don't know.

0:02:120:02:15

The guy's a loon.

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He's obsessed with you. No, I'm not.

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Oh! Did you just press me?

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Look, I am on a break.

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So if you need to cross the road, it's a protector you need.

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So I suggest you apologise.

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I'm really sorry, OK? I didn't mean to cause any offence. You too.

0:02:290:02:33

Don't bloody press me! Don't press the green man!

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Flaming Nora.

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Look, I just want to cross the road, all right?

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OK. Stay here...

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and wait for my signal.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Come on!

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Move it, move it, move it.

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Nicely done. Cheers.

0:03:310:03:34

No-o-o-o-o-o!

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Hey, wakey-wakey.

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Oh, boys, that's him there.

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That's the one

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who said we weren't real.

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We'll see who's not real.

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Get him.

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Do you believe in us now, eh? Yeah, yeah?

0:04:090:04:11

Do you fancy another?

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Do we have time?

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What's he doing here?

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TYRES SCREECH

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CRASH

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Hey, me first.

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Don't bloody press me!

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Where are we with Operation Female? Frank's doing his best, sir.

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Well, his best isn't good enough. We have to crack the female code.

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Of course.

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Sir. Frank?

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Why aren't you with the female?

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Something's not quite right, sir. What's happened?

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Well, I think I've been given the cold shoulder.

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LAUGHTER

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How do you mean? Well, I think I've done something terribly wrong

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but I don't know what it is.

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Robin, get the dossier of the things that we do wrong

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without knowing that we've done them.

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This one, sir?

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No, Volume 2. Ah.

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Right, let's get this sorted.

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Toilet seat not down? No, sir.

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I've learned my lesson there.

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I leave it down all the time, no matter what.

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Really? Oh, yes, sir. I'm a crack shot.

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LAUGHTER

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What about the splashes? No, it's fine.

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I just leave them and they completely disappear.

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Wet towel on the bed? No. Yesterday's Y-fronts on the floor?

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No. Wearing yesterday's Y-fronts today?

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I have a good friend in Paris who wears his underpants for a week.

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Ah, Pierre!

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Toenails in the sink?

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No. Toenails in the bath?

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No. Toenails on the bed?

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No. Toenails on the carpet?

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Toenails on the coffee table?

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Toenails in the coffee?! No, no, no.

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It's absolutely nothing to do with toenails.

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But I think I've forgotten something. Her birthday?

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No. Her name?

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No, Robin.

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He's not an idiot.

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Your anniversary?

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No, that was 12 months ago.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, my God! It all makes sense now.

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She was dropping little hints this morning. What did she say?

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"Happy anniversary."

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OK, don't panic.

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We need to get her something very special. Yeah! What?

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An iron!

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Perfect. Are you mad?

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Get her a trouser press -

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much more efficient.

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This is cosy. Hmm.

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And it's a lovely site.

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Stop speaking.

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What's wrong with you? I'm frozen stiff.

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You could have at least warmed up your hands.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you want a coat putting on?

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Great. Silent treatment.

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Hey! Easy, Tiger.

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What?

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Go gentle with your fat fingers.

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You ambushed me there, very rough. Sorry.

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Your hands wouldn't be this cold if we were in Spain. Yes, you said.

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We could have been lying on a beach, getting a tan.

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Look, we couldn't afford the excess baggage charges.

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You're over 20kg.

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How dare you!

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What? What did I say?

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It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

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Couldn't afford the flights, all right?

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But you could afford a new monocle?

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I just thought it might put is in the mood.

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Because I've got a wonky eye?

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No!

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I really like what it does for you...

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and for me.

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I'm not wearing it.

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Fine. I look ridiculous.

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I said fine. Well, take it off then.

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THE PUPPET GRUNTS

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Stop touching me all the time!

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I can't do anything right.

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You said it, not me.

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LAUGHTER

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My name is Chief Inspector Stephen Elliott.

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In a moment, Mr Callaghan, here, will read a short appeal.

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We won't be taking questions afterwards.

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(Whenever you're ready.)

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I'm begging anyone that might have seen them to get in touch.

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Any information, whatever it is, could help.

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(I just feel so responsible.) (It's OK. Take your time.)

0:09:120:09:14

I don't know where they are - it's been three days now.

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Someone must have seen them.

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They were the only set I had.

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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Hi, there. Hi.

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Why the long face?

0:10:160:10:17

..as the barman said to the horse. He-hey!

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Don't want to talk about it.

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You're new here. Yeah, just doing a guest spot for the week.

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I've been here years. Good crowds?

0:10:260:10:30

Don't know, my memory's not what it was, you see.

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And also, my memory's not what it was.

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He-hey!

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You can't beat the old ones. Well, you can

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but then you'd get arrested.

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He-hey!

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But seriously, I don't know really.

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My partner left me years ago.

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Sorry to hear that.

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My puppet says I'm controlling.

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You could control me any time.

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HE GASPS

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LAUGHTER

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It's been so long since anyone held me.

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It's OK.

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You know, you've got lovely hair.

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And you've got good strong hands.

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You should see what I can do with a glass of water.

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There's an open spot at seven,

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take me!

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Oh, God!

0:11:190:11:21

MUSIC: "I See You Baby" by Groove Armada

0:11:220:11:24

INSTRUMENTAL: "The Animals Went In Two By Two"

0:11:420:11:45

Ah, crap! What?

0:12:140:12:16

I've forgotten what we came for.

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LAUGHTER

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Please, I've got a wife and kids.

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Shut up.

0:12:220:12:23

He's a bit tied up at the moment.

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My name's Bunny

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and I've got mouths to feed.

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Please, just tell us what you want. I want these.

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I want them at eye level and I want an aisle-lend.

0:12:330:12:35

You want an island?

0:12:350:12:37

I want an aisle end - the end of an aisle.

0:12:370:12:40

Ho, ho, ho.

0:12:400:12:42

There was only four of you last week.

0:12:420:12:44

I've been busy. Hello, fatty.

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Merry Christmas.

0:12:470:12:48

Happy Easter, actually.

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Clear your shelves, I'm taking your spot.

0:12:500:12:52

I'm skint.

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I mean, I still owe the tooth fairy her tenner.

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I'll buy you a mince pie. What about me?

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Oh!

0:13:000:13:01

Great show, tonight. Thanks.

0:13:030:13:05

My key's stopped working.

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You'll be in the doghouse. Yeah.

0:13:070:13:10

Shh!

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Shh.

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Oh!

0:13:270:13:29

Bob? Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

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Where have you been?

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Just out.

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I needed some space. Until two in the morning?

0:13:380:13:41

Don't start.

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Careful, Bob. Careful.

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Careful! Oh! Careful!

0:13:450:13:46

Have you been drinking?

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So? It's a free country.

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You know you can't manage it when you're drunk.

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LAUGHTER

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THEY GRUNT

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You know, you've got beautiful eyes.

0:14:050:14:09

Your breath stinks.

0:14:090:14:10

Not everyone thinks that.

0:14:120:14:13

Have you been with another puppet?

0:14:190:14:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:14:220:14:24

What?

0:14:240:14:25

No. Don't lie to me.

0:14:250:14:27

You're paranoid. Just admit it.

0:14:270:14:29

For once in your life, be a real man.

0:14:290:14:32

That's rich, coming from you.

0:14:320:14:34

You know, you shouldn't judge everyone else by your own standards.

0:14:360:14:40

Oh!

0:14:400:14:41

Put me to bed, Bob.

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With pleasure.

0:14:450:14:47

And you can sleep on the couch, tonight.

0:14:470:14:49

BOB SNORES

0:14:490:14:53

Bob?

0:14:530:14:54

Bob.

0:14:540:14:55

Hi, Gary, can I have a word? Of course you can, Colin.

0:14:590:15:02

Take a seat.

0:15:020:15:04

What can I do you for?

0:15:040:15:06

Well, it's about my job. Right.

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What is it?

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LAUGHTER

0:15:120:15:15

How long have you been here, Colin?

0:15:150:15:17

Three months. And what's your job title?

0:15:170:15:19

I'm a Systems Project Manager.

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Problem solved.

0:15:210:15:22

But I don't have a system...

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or a project.

0:15:250:15:27

Who's your line manager? Alan.

0:15:270:15:29

Oh, Alan. I'll sort this. Alan?

0:15:290:15:32

Alan!

0:15:320:15:33

Just hang five. Yeah?

0:15:330:15:35

Your Colin's line manager, yeah?

0:15:350:15:37

Am I?

0:15:370:15:38

Col, here, doesn't have a system.

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Or a project. OK, all right.

0:15:400:15:42

Let's think about this logically.

0:15:420:15:45

Do you go to meetings?

0:15:450:15:46

Yes. Do you respond to e-mails?

0:15:460:15:49

Well, I write e-mails.

0:15:490:15:51

No, no. You manage the systems.

0:15:510:15:52

Alan does the e-mails.

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BEEPING Oh, got an e-mail now.

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Yeah, it's from you. This'll sort it.

0:15:560:15:59

Hang on, this isn't me!

0:16:010:16:03

Jim.

0:16:030:16:05

Who's Jim?

0:16:050:16:06

Forward it to me.

0:16:060:16:07

I've got it now. Well, why don't I have it?

0:16:140:16:16

Tell you what, I'll forward it to you

0:16:160:16:18

and I'll CC you in.

0:16:180:16:19

Ah, I've got it now. Great meeting, guys. Well done.

0:16:220:16:26

LAUGHTER

0:16:260:16:29

So, eh, who's he?

0:16:310:16:33

Don't know. Have you seen my phone?

0:16:330:16:35

Look, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

0:16:530:16:55

Please talk to me.

0:16:580:17:00

We can't go on stage with this.

0:17:000:17:02

Say something.

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Whatever, I'm a professional.

0:17:040:17:07

Hey, how'd it go?

0:17:100:17:12

Great.

0:17:120:17:13

They're a lovely bunch out there.

0:17:130:17:15

Good, we're a bit rusty.

0:17:150:17:17

We haven't done a full routine for a while.

0:17:170:17:19

Speak for yourself.

0:17:190:17:20

I always do.

0:17:200:17:22

OK. Well, have a good one. Yeah, thanks.

0:17:220:17:25

AUDIENCE: O-o-o-oh!

0:17:280:17:30

He seemed nice.

0:17:310:17:32

You slut!

0:17:360:17:38

LAUGHTER

0:17:380:17:41

Anything happening up your end? Nah.

0:17:450:17:47

Oh, we've been spotted.

0:17:500:17:52

Your turn -

0:17:520:17:54

I went last time.

0:17:540:17:55

YELLOW FISH SIGHS All right.

0:17:550:17:57

LAUGHTER

0:17:590:18:02

That's our train. Hey, don't rush me.

0:18:050:18:07

We've got plenty of them.

0:18:070:18:08

No, I need to get you on the luggage rack. What?

0:18:080:18:10

And you've got two tickets? Yeah...

0:18:110:18:15

Listen...

0:18:150:18:16

..there's something I need to tell you.

0:18:170:18:19

He-hey!

0:18:190:18:20

You!

0:18:220:18:24

Bob, I can't believe you brought him back with us.

0:18:240:18:26

I just think we need to try something different.

0:18:260:18:28

Who do you think you are?

0:18:280:18:30

I'm not going to be part of your harem.

0:18:300:18:32

Steady on. Two's hardly a harem.

0:18:320:18:35

I'm going to be a laughing stock on the circuit.

0:18:350:18:37

No, you're not.

0:18:370:18:38

And why does he get the seat?

0:18:380:18:39

Well, he gets travel sick and he doesn't like the motion.

0:18:390:18:42

I like your motion, Bob. He-hey!

0:18:420:18:45

What does he mean by that?

0:18:450:18:47

I think we all need to take a deep breath.

0:18:470:18:49

You're so patient.

0:18:490:18:50

I don't know how they do it. Well, I do

0:18:500:18:53

but that's a different story.

0:18:530:18:54

He-hey!

0:18:540:18:55

Why are you laughing? That's not funny. Stop it.

0:18:550:18:58

You didn't say that last night. He-hey! Last night?

0:18:580:19:01

You were with me last night.

0:19:010:19:02

I was watching. What?

0:19:020:19:04

Not much of a performance. He-hey!

0:19:040:19:06

I'm going to smack him.

0:19:060:19:08

Oh, he's a kinky one. He-hey!

0:19:080:19:10

Right, come here!

0:19:100:19:12

Oh, hey! I'm going to take him. Hey! No! Now. Oh!

0:19:120:19:15

Stop it!

0:19:150:19:16

Oh! He's mine! He's mine!

0:19:160:19:19

I'm going to rip your head off.

0:19:190:19:21

Disgusting. He-hey!

0:19:210:19:23

Come on! Hurry up.

0:19:320:19:33

All right, mate! Loving the tights. Very alternative. What?

0:19:360:19:39

Spare two minutes for charity?

0:19:390:19:41

Sorry, I've got somewhere important to be.

0:19:410:19:44

Oh, come on! What's more important than charity?

0:19:440:19:46

Well, I didn't mean that. Great.

0:19:460:19:49

I'm Mark. ALARM GOES OFF

0:19:490:19:51

Have you heard of the whale sanctuary? Eh...

0:19:510:19:53

No. But look...sorry, I'm skint.

0:19:530:19:55

Did you know that 3,000 whales die each year of skin-related diseases?

0:19:550:19:58

Really? 3,000?

0:20:000:20:02

That's terrible. I know.

0:20:020:20:04

It's a terrible agonising death which we are fighting to eliminate.

0:20:040:20:07

That's great. Unfortunately, great work comes at a price.

0:20:070:20:10

What are you doing? Move it!

0:20:100:20:12

Sorry, I've got to go.

0:20:120:20:14

Did you know, for just £20 a month, you could save a whale.

0:20:140:20:16

SIRENS WAIL Hey!

0:20:160:20:19

I can't afford that. All right, for £10 a month,

0:20:190:20:21

you could help the research for these fatal diseases.

0:20:210:20:23

Really? Hey!

0:20:230:20:24

GUNSHOTS

0:20:240:20:27

Come on!

0:20:270:20:28

LAUGHTER

0:20:340:20:36

SIRENS CONTINUE TO WAIL

0:20:400:20:42

What is wrong with you? Just leave it!

0:20:480:20:50

You need your head looking at. All right.

0:20:500:20:52

You nearly blew the whole thing.

0:20:520:20:54

All right!

0:20:540:20:55

Come on, let's go.

0:20:560:20:57

So, lads,

0:21:010:21:03

about that donation.

0:21:030:21:04

LAUGHTER

0:21:040:21:06

Ah,

0:21:110:21:12

I've been expecting you.

0:21:120:21:15

Hi, can I get my palm read, please?

0:21:160:21:18

Why, certainly. Take a seat.

0:21:180:21:20

Now, give it here.

0:21:220:21:24

Ah, interesting...

0:21:260:21:28

Broccoli, milk, carrots...

0:21:290:21:32

and pickled eggs.

0:21:320:21:34

Thanks.

0:21:340:21:35

Couldn't read me own writing.

0:21:350:21:37

Oi, fatty!

0:21:510:21:52

You still owe me a tenner.

0:21:560:21:58

Come here!

0:21:580:21:59

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

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Come here!

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MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

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Ho, ho, ho!

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See you. Damn.

0:22:550:22:58

BUZZING

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Hey, is that my honey?! Eh...

0:23:220:23:25

Yeah, sorry.

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Unbelievable!

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HE STARTS BUZZING AGAIN

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Right, I think I'm going to have a beer and a burger. What?

0:23:540:23:59

That's like 2,000 points. What about the diet?

0:23:590:24:02

It's a day off, today. I'm giving in to my cravings.

0:24:040:24:07

You know what they say at Fat Busters -

0:24:070:24:08

"Give in to pies, big fat thighs."

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I'm no having a pie, I'm having a burger.

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Well, I'm going to have a salad and a water.

0:24:140:24:19

I think I'm going to get lots of mayo.

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That's fat in a jar!

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I know. I'm feeling naughty(!)

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LAUGHTER Look, I'm really struggling with the cravings too, mate,

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but I thought we were doing this together.

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I'll right back on it again tomorrow.

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You're my weight loss partner!

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I can't do this alone. You're not alone, I'm here.

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It's a slippery slope.

0:24:370:24:38

Today - mayo, tomorrow - Amber and soon, it'll be Red.

0:24:380:24:41

Not the traffic light system again!

0:24:410:24:43

Yes.

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I just need your support.

0:24:450:24:47

Whatever, mate, I'm having a burger.

0:24:470:24:49

Oh, I'm starving.

0:24:510:24:52

MUSIC: "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen

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MUSIC STOPS Hey, can you take this? Aye...

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Yeah.

0:25:160:25:17

Yeah, sure.

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MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

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# I look at you and I fantasise

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# You're mine tonight

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# Now, I've got you in my sights

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# With these

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# Hungry eyes... #

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Mate,

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what dressing do you want in your salad? None!

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None!

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All right, calm down.

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I'm going to have that mayo. Coleslaw, chips - the works.

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# Now, I've had the time of my life

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# No, I've never felt like this before... #

0:26:070:26:10

Hey. Hi.

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I've missed you.

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I've missed you, too.

0:26:150:26:16

# Cos I've had the time of my life

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# And I owe it all to you

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# I've been waiting for so long

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# Now I've finally found someone

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# To stand by me

0:26:400:26:42

# We saw the writing on the wall

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# As we felt this magical

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# Fantasy

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# Now with passion in our eyes

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# There's no way we could disguise it

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# Secretly

0:26:580:27:00

# So we take each other's hand

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# Cos we seem to understand

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# The urgency

0:27:060:27:09

# Just remember

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# You're the one thing

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# I can't get enough of

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# So I'll tell you something

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# This could be love because

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# I've had the time of my life... #

0:27:300:27:34

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0:27:450:27:49

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