Episode 3 The Ginge, the Geordie and the Geek

Who's first?

LAUGHTER Oh, sorry.

Oh!

Can I have £10 on horse number two, please?

Thank you. Cheers.

Go on. Go on, son.

Go on. Go on, have him.

Yes, yes. Go on!

Whoa! These roads are treacherous, I tell you.

Treacherous.

Right.

I think there's a green man up the road. Hey.

You trying to say I can't do my job?

No. Cos I will have you know I have saved countless lives.

Do you think this job is easy?

I'm sure it's a very difficult job being a...

lollipop man.

A lollipop man?

Does this look like a lollipop to you?

Do you fancy a lick? Lick it. Lick it!

I don't want to.

This is a beacon of safety.

And I am The Protector.

Hey, Protector, what's going on?

I'm trying to help him across the road.

And he's calling me a lollipop man. A lollipop man?

What'd he call you that for, Protector? I don't know.

The guy's a loon.

He's obsessed with you. No, I'm not.

Oh! Did you just press me?

Look, I am on a break.

So if you need to cross the road, it's a protector you need.

So I suggest you apologise.

I'm really sorry, OK? I didn't mean to cause any offence. You too.

Don't bloody press me! Don't press the green man!

Flaming Nora.

Look, I just want to cross the road, all right?

OK. Stay here...

and wait for my signal.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Come on!

Move it, move it, move it.

Nicely done. Cheers.

No-o-o-o-o-o!

Hey, wakey-wakey.

Oh, boys, that's him there.

That's the one

who said we weren't real.

We'll see who's not real.

Get him.

Do you believe in us now, eh? Yeah, yeah?

Do you fancy another?

Do we have time?

What's he doing here?

TYRES SCREECH

CRASH

Hey, me first.

Don't bloody press me!

Where are we with Operation Female? Frank's doing his best, sir.

Well, his best isn't good enough. We have to crack the female code.

Of course.

Sir. Frank?

Why aren't you with the female?

Something's not quite right, sir. What's happened?

Well, I think I've been given the cold shoulder.

LAUGHTER

How do you mean? Well, I think I've done something terribly wrong

but I don't know what it is.

Robin, get the dossier of the things that we do wrong

without knowing that we've done them.

This one, sir?

No, Volume 2. Ah.

Right, let's get this sorted.

Toilet seat not down? No, sir.

I've learned my lesson there.

I leave it down all the time, no matter what.

Really? Oh, yes, sir. I'm a crack shot.

LAUGHTER

What about the splashes? No, it's fine.

I just leave them and they completely disappear.

Wet towel on the bed? No. Yesterday's Y-fronts on the floor?

No. Wearing yesterday's Y-fronts today?

I have a good friend in Paris who wears his underpants for a week.

Ah, Pierre!

Toenails in the sink?

No. Toenails in the bath?

No. Toenails on the bed?

No. Toenails on the carpet?

Toenails on the coffee table?

Toenails in the coffee?! No, no, no.

It's absolutely nothing to do with toenails.

But I think I've forgotten something. Her birthday?

No. Her name?

No, Robin.

He's not an idiot.

Your anniversary?

No, that was 12 months ago.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! It all makes sense now.

She was dropping little hints this morning. What did she say?

"Happy anniversary."

OK, don't panic.

We need to get her something very special. Yeah! What?

An iron!

Perfect. Are you mad?

Get her a trouser press -

much more efficient.

This is cosy. Hmm.

And it's a lovely site.

Stop speaking.

What's wrong with you? I'm frozen stiff.

You could have at least warmed up your hands.

LAUGHTER

Do you want a coat putting on?

Great. Silent treatment.

Hey! Easy, Tiger.

What?

Go gentle with your fat fingers.

You ambushed me there, very rough. Sorry.

Your hands wouldn't be this cold if we were in Spain. Yes, you said.

We could have been lying on a beach, getting a tan.

Look, we couldn't afford the excess baggage charges.

You're over 20kg.

How dare you!

What? What did I say?

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Couldn't afford the flights, all right?

But you could afford a new monocle?

I just thought it might put is in the mood.

Because I've got a wonky eye?

No!

I really like what it does for you...

and for me.

I'm not wearing it.

Fine. I look ridiculous.

I said fine. Well, take it off then.

THE PUPPET GRUNTS

Stop touching me all the time!

I can't do anything right.

You said it, not me.

LAUGHTER

My name is Chief Inspector Stephen Elliott.

In a moment, Mr Callaghan, here, will read a short appeal.

We won't be taking questions afterwards.

(Whenever you're ready.)

I'm begging anyone that might have seen them to get in touch.

Any information, whatever it is, could help.

(I just feel so responsible.) (It's OK. Take your time.)

I don't know where they are - it's been three days now.

Someone must have seen them.

They were the only set I had.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Hi, there. Hi.

Why the long face?

..as the barman said to the horse. He-hey!

Don't want to talk about it.

You're new here. Yeah, just doing a guest spot for the week.

I've been here years. Good crowds?

Don't know, my memory's not what it was, you see.

And also, my memory's not what it was.

He-hey!

You can't beat the old ones. Well, you can

but then you'd get arrested.

He-hey!

But seriously, I don't know really.

My partner left me years ago.

Sorry to hear that.

My puppet says I'm controlling.

You could control me any time.

HE GASPS

LAUGHTER

It's been so long since anyone held me.

It's OK.

You know, you've got lovely hair.

And you've got good strong hands.

You should see what I can do with a glass of water.

There's an open spot at seven,

take me!

Oh, God!

MUSIC: "I See You Baby" by Groove Armada

INSTRUMENTAL: "The Animals Went In Two By Two"

Ah, crap! What?

I've forgotten what we came for.

LAUGHTER

Please, I've got a wife and kids.

Shut up.

He's a bit tied up at the moment.

My name's Bunny

and I've got mouths to feed.

Please, just tell us what you want. I want these.

I want them at eye level and I want an aisle-lend.

You want an island?

I want an aisle end - the end of an aisle.

Ho, ho, ho.

There was only four of you last week.

I've been busy. Hello, fatty.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Easter, actually.

Clear your shelves, I'm taking your spot.

I'm skint.

I mean, I still owe the tooth fairy her tenner.

I'll buy you a mince pie. What about me?

Oh!

Great show, tonight. Thanks.

My key's stopped working.

You'll be in the doghouse. Yeah.

Shh!

Shh.

Oh!

Bob? Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

Where have you been?

Just out.

I needed some space. Until two in the morning?

Don't start.

Careful, Bob. Careful.

Careful! Oh! Careful!

Have you been drinking?

So? It's a free country.

You know you can't manage it when you're drunk.

LAUGHTER

THEY GRUNT

You know, you've got beautiful eyes.

Your breath stinks.

Not everyone thinks that.

Have you been with another puppet?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What?

No. Don't lie to me.

You're paranoid. Just admit it.

For once in your life, be a real man.

That's rich, coming from you.

You know, you shouldn't judge everyone else by your own standards.

Oh!

Put me to bed, Bob.

With pleasure.

And you can sleep on the couch, tonight.

BOB SNORES

Bob?

Bob.

Hi, Gary, can I have a word? Of course you can, Colin.

Take a seat.

What can I do you for?

Well, it's about my job. Right.

What is it?

LAUGHTER

How long have you been here, Colin?

Three months. And what's your job title?

I'm a Systems Project Manager.

Problem solved.

But I don't have a system...

or a project.

Who's your line manager? Alan.

Oh, Alan. I'll sort this. Alan?

Alan!

Just hang five. Yeah?

Your Colin's line manager, yeah?

Am I?

Col, here, doesn't have a system.

Or a project. OK, all right.

Let's think about this logically.

Do you go to meetings?

Yes. Do you respond to e-mails?

Well, I write e-mails.

No, no. You manage the systems.

Alan does the e-mails.

BEEPING Oh, got an e-mail now.

Yeah, it's from you. This'll sort it.

Hang on, this isn't me!

Jim.

Who's Jim?

Forward it to me.

I've got it now. Well, why don't I have it?

Tell you what, I'll forward it to you

and I'll CC you in.

Ah, I've got it now. Great meeting, guys. Well done.

LAUGHTER

So, eh, who's he?

Don't know. Have you seen my phone?

Look, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

Please talk to me.

We can't go on stage with this.

Say something.

Whatever, I'm a professional.

Hey, how'd it go?

Great.

They're a lovely bunch out there.

Good, we're a bit rusty.

We haven't done a full routine for a while.

Speak for yourself.

I always do.

OK. Well, have a good one. Yeah, thanks.

AUDIENCE: O-o-o-oh!

He seemed nice.

You slut!

LAUGHTER

Anything happening up your end? Nah.

Oh, we've been spotted.

Your turn -

I went last time.

YELLOW FISH SIGHS All right.

LAUGHTER

That's our train. Hey, don't rush me.

We've got plenty of them.

No, I need to get you on the luggage rack. What?

And you've got two tickets? Yeah...

Listen...

..there's something I need to tell you.

He-hey!

You!

Bob, I can't believe you brought him back with us.

I just think we need to try something different.

Who do you think you are?

I'm not going to be part of your harem.

Steady on. Two's hardly a harem.

I'm going to be a laughing stock on the circuit.

No, you're not.

And why does he get the seat?

Well, he gets travel sick and he doesn't like the motion.

I like your motion, Bob. He-hey!

What does he mean by that?

I think we all need to take a deep breath.

You're so patient.

I don't know how they do it. Well, I do

but that's a different story.

He-hey!

Why are you laughing? That's not funny. Stop it.

You didn't say that last night. He-hey! Last night?

You were with me last night.

I was watching. What?

Not much of a performance. He-hey!

I'm going to smack him.

Oh, he's a kinky one. He-hey!

Right, come here!

Oh, hey! I'm going to take him. Hey! No! Now. Oh!

Stop it!

Oh! He's mine! He's mine!

I'm going to rip your head off.

Disgusting. He-hey!

Come on! Hurry up.

All right, mate! Loving the tights. Very alternative. What?

Spare two minutes for charity?

Sorry, I've got somewhere important to be.

Oh, come on! What's more important than charity?

Well, I didn't mean that. Great.

I'm Mark. ALARM GOES OFF

Have you heard of the whale sanctuary? Eh...

No. But look...sorry, I'm skint.

Did you know that 3,000 whales die each year of skin-related diseases?

Really? 3,000?

That's terrible. I know.

It's a terrible agonising death which we are fighting to eliminate.

That's great. Unfortunately, great work comes at a price.

What are you doing? Move it!

Sorry, I've got to go.

Did you know, for just £20 a month, you could save a whale.

SIRENS WAIL Hey!

I can't afford that. All right, for £10 a month,

you could help the research for these fatal diseases.

Really? Hey!

GUNSHOTS

Come on!

LAUGHTER

SIRENS CONTINUE TO WAIL

What is wrong with you? Just leave it!

You need your head looking at. All right.

You nearly blew the whole thing.

All right!

Come on, let's go.

So, lads,

about that donation.

LAUGHTER

Ah,

I've been expecting you.

Hi, can I get my palm read, please?

Why, certainly. Take a seat.

Now, give it here.

Ah, interesting...

Broccoli, milk, carrots...

and pickled eggs.

Thanks.

Couldn't read me own writing.

Oi, fatty!

You still owe me a tenner.

Come here!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Come here!

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Ho, ho, ho!

See you. Damn.

BUZZING

Hey, is that my honey?! Eh...

Yeah, sorry.

Unbelievable!

HE STARTS BUZZING AGAIN

Right, I think I'm going to have a beer and a burger. What?

That's like 2,000 points. What about the diet?

It's a day off, today. I'm giving in to my cravings.

You know what they say at Fat Busters -

"Give in to pies, big fat thighs."

I'm no having a pie, I'm having a burger.

Well, I'm going to have a salad and a water.

I think I'm going to get lots of mayo.

That's fat in a jar!

I know. I'm feeling naughty(!)

LAUGHTER Look, I'm really struggling with the cravings too, mate,

but I thought we were doing this together.

I'll right back on it again tomorrow.

You're my weight loss partner!

I can't do this alone. You're not alone, I'm here.

It's a slippery slope.

Today - mayo, tomorrow - Amber and soon, it'll be Red.

Not the traffic light system again!

Yes.

I just need your support.

Whatever, mate, I'm having a burger.

Oh, I'm starving.

MUSIC: "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen

MUSIC STOPS Hey, can you take this? Aye...

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

# I look at you and I fantasise

# You're mine tonight

# Now, I've got you in my sights

# With these

# Hungry eyes... #

Mate,

what dressing do you want in your salad? None!

None!

All right, calm down.

I'm going to have that mayo. Coleslaw, chips - the works.

# Now, I've had the time of my life

# No, I've never felt like this before... #

Hey. Hi.

I've missed you.

I've missed you, too.

# Cos I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you

# I've been waiting for so long

# Now I've finally found someone

# To stand by me

# We saw the writing on the wall

# As we felt this magical

# Fantasy

# Now with passion in our eyes

# There's no way we could disguise it

# Secretly

# So we take each other's hand

# Cos we seem to understand

# The urgency

# Just remember

# You're the one thing

# I can't get enough of

# So I'll tell you something

# This could be love because

# I've had the time of my life... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd