Episode 4 The Ginge, the Geordie and the Geek

BOOK FALLS

Shh!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

(Sorry!)

BABY CRIES

Would you mind going outside, please?

Sorry, mate. Bambi.

Gets us every time.

T-I-I-M-BER!

T-I-I-M-BER!

Jim! Jim!

What? What is it?

It's this tree. It's not falling down.

Did you shout, "Timber?"

Aye, did it twice.

Hi, do you want me to give you a hand with that?

Cheers, mate.

MUSIC: "Little Green Bag" by George Baker

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

THEY LAUGH

Hey! Hey! Hey!

HE SCREAMS

BOTH: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

DOG BARKS

THEY SCREAM

WOLF SNARLS

Oh, I smell a piggy!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Little pig, little pig, let me in!

Not by the hairs on me chinny-chin-chin!

Well, I'll huff,

and I'll puff,

and I'll BLOW your house down!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't do that!

Health and safety, I'm afraid.

Well, that's ridiculous! I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

Well, he's my pig.

And have you completed a risk assessment form

for keeping pigs, sir? Er...no.

That's a ?60 fine, then.

Wonderful(!)

Now, I'd best be on me way.

I've got to go and sort out a bloke trying to climb a tower

using a girl's hair, with no ladder in sight.

Idiot!

MUSIC BLARES FROM HEADPHONES

ORGAN MUSIC

I'm just off to market!

Wow! The beans have worked!

Don't even think about it.

BABY CRIES

Would someone shut that kid up?

But it's yours.

OMINOUS DRUM BEATS

Gregor McAlpine.

You have been convicted of robbery,

found guilty, and sentenced to death.

Do you have any last words? I'm innocent!

Aye, I've heard it all before.

DRUM ROLL

Stop right there!

You cannot hang this man!

Oh, thank God!

It's death by beheading.

Oh, crap!

No, no, no, no, no. That's not right.

I've got a court order here

that says hanging at noon in the town square.

That's strange.

It says right here I've got to chop his head off.

Right, are we sure we've got the right name?

Excuse me, is this you?

Oh, aye, it's definitely me.

Oh, God! This is a dilemma. Mmm.

Maybe we could just let him go.

Yes, I...think that's the only solution.

Really? BOTH: NO!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, oh! Oh, every time!

I know, I know. What are they like?!

It's the perks, it's the perks, I tell you!

OK, let's have a look at the small print.

Mmm. Now, here we go.

"If, in the unlikely event of a double booking..."

"..The convicted gets a free pardon."

What?! Are you serious?

BOTH: No!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, oh, good one!

I tell you what, how about we hang him, but I get to pull the lever?

I've always wanted to do that.

All right, just this once.

Here we go.

DRUM ROLL

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't do that!

Health and safety, I'm afraid.

That's an absolute death trap.

Good work, team. Fantastic jobs.

Mr Sheridan, we need you back in theatre. She's crashing. Quickly!

Ahh!

HEART MONITOR BLEEPS

HEART MONITOR FLATLINES

There was nothing we could do.

JAMES BOND THEME PLAYS

See? See? See?

This...will be our biggest job yet.

So we're just meant to walk out of there with a beakload of chips? No.

We're going to take them for every chip they've got.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah!

Settle down. They've got state-of-the-art security. Look!

We'll never get past him. Hey! Hey!

We're still going to do this.

Cliff, it's a three-gull job.

Then you better grow an extra beak!

Now, listen up - here's the deal.

At 3.15, they close the restaurant.

Then, the maitre d' goes on his break.

There's too many tables. There's no clean escape route.

That's the beauty of it.

We let them do the work.

At 3.20, the chef brings out the leftovers for the staff.

This is our moment.

We've got 35 seconds to get in, grab the goods, and get out.

Any questions?

What if we get locked in? We won't.

Look, we do this job right, and we'll have enough chips to buy an aviary.

Whoa! Go away! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Hey!

RADIO CRACKLES Lost him.

OLD TIME MUSIC

Are you certain we should do this, sir?

It feels awfully dangerous.

Hence my reasoning for tonight's guise.

What if we're caught?

Robin, if Frank is correct,

this is where we discover the origin of the female code.

Now, grab your purse. We're going in.

Sir, something isn't right.

What? There's a pleasant aroma.

THEY SNIFF

So there is.

And the toilet seat is down.

My God! The toilets are never used!

He was right!

This must be the headquarters!

TOILET FLUSHES

Act naturally. Be absolutely silent.

No, no, no, sir. Quite the opposite.

(They talk to one another.)

Really? Yes.

HE ADOPTS A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE Hello?

EQUALLY FALSETTO VOICE Oh, hello!

(Talk about the weather!)

Lovely day for it!

Yes, glorious!

Any plans for the weekend?

Er...

..a spot of rugger?

Rugby?

Wait a minute!

Frank? Sir!

Frank, what are you doing here?

I told you to wait for further instructions.

I know, sir, but... Oh!

Excuse me, miss. Where exactly have you been hiding this little filly?

Charmed... I'm sure.

Frank, it's me!

My God, Robin! You're gorgeous!

DOOR CLOSES Someone's coming! Quickly!

Robin, observe.

FEMALE VOICES CHATTER

HE GASPS Unbelievable!

What is it? They go in pairs. Really?

They've gone straight to the mirror.

Sir, they're talking.

I can't hear a word they're saying. Allow me, sir.

This device amplifies vibrations

through a solid substance for up to five yards.

You're quite the technological marvel, Robin.

She said she's late.

How late?

A week.

Robin, that's the weak spot!

Timekeeping.

Whoa, whoa! What's happening?

I'm blind! Help us! Help us!

Cliff, I'm blind, man! I'm blind!

Come here! Oh, oh! Thank God!

You're an idiot.

Is that a scarecrow?

Yeah!

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

So, you scare birds, eh?

Boo! Aargh! Aargh!

WHAT is wrong with you?!

What are you doing round here?

I got sacked.

You got sacked?

How hard is it to stand in a field?!

I fell in love with a crow, all right?

HE GASPS

Surely there is a law against that.

Love is blind, Cliff.

What's your bird's name?

Crow. Crow. Nice name.

Right, come on, you.

That old bloke's got a fish supper.

No.

Come on! It's easy pickings! No, Cliff.

What?!

I don't even like chips.

That is not possible.

They are...

delicious!

Well, not to me.

When I come back...

you better be gone.

Oh, and just so you know...

..that's his crap on your hat.

Sorry.

It's all right.

FERRY HORN BLASTS

Well, I've got a ferry to catch.

Can I come with you?

Yeah, if you want.

Do you fancy an ice cream?

BRAKES SQUEAL

# Near, far

# Wherever you are

# I believe that

# The heart does go on... #

Dad? Hello, son.

I brought my new girlfriend Helen to meet you.

I thought you were going out with Sarah. No, that's finished.

That's a shame. I liked Sarah.

Aye, but just give Helen a chance, all right?

All right.

Helen? Helen?

Aye, come on.

Helen, this is Dad.

Dad, this is Helen.

What?

She's really pleased to meet you.

Say something!

You need your head looking at, son. Dad!

This is what you left Sarah for? Oh, don't listen to him, Helen!

An imaginary girlfriend?

We're in love!

Helen? Helen?

Oh, great! Thanks, Dad! You frightened her off!

Does your brother know about this nonsense? No.

Dean! HE TUTS

Dean! Dad, I'm busy!

Dean, get in here now!

What is it, Dad?

Oh, crap! Sarah?

She doesn't want to talk to you, all right?

Are you two going out? What's it to you? You left her!

She was playing around. Hey, that's not true!

Don't listen to him, Sarah!

You two are a pair of prize prats.

Oh, Helen, you came back.

Helen...

you're looking great, you've...

..you've lost weight. De you two know each other?

Aye, it was ages ago. What?

It was just once. I'm going to kill you!

I saw her first! Come here!

Hey, hey, hey! Split it up!

You're a disgrace to the family! The pair of you!

Now...

..apologise to your mother.

TRADITIONAL AFRICAN MUSIC

Hi, dad! Where the hell have you been?

You're late for your tea.

Sorry. I've been hunting this all day.

You treat this place like a hotel.

MONKEY CALLS

Look, Dad...

there's something I need to tell you. What?

I want you to meet someone.

This is my friend, Ashley.

Hiya! Nice to meet you.

Oh, I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, I like your hair.

HE ROARS

What the hell is wrong with you?

You'll never get to be leader of this pride

if you go out hunting and come back talking to giraffes.

Just tell him!

Dad, I'm a vegetarian.

What? I don't eat meat, OK?

Of course you do! You love meat.

You always have. Even when you were little and we'd go out hunting.

You always loved a wildebeest bum.

No, Dad. Even then, I was eating salad.

It's just a phase.

We've got our own allotment! Oh, God!

Dad?

Come on, let's go.

You're my son.

And I love you, no matter what.

Come here.

I didn't think you'd understand! Ah, well.

Whatever tickles your fur, I suppose.

Oh, that's really lovely!

Your dad's pure gorgeous! HE LAUGHS

Thanks, Dad.

And, Ashley?

ASHLEY GULPS Er, yeah?

Look after him, won't you?

It's a jungle out there.

DEVICE BLEEPS

What have we got? Explosive charge.

Detonator. Timing device.

DEVICE KEEPS BLEEPING

BLEEPING INCREASES Damn, it's activated.

Pass me the cutters.

What? We need to evacuate.

There's no time. We need to get out.

It's over. It's over!

Look, it's not over till the fat lady sings, OK?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Dad! Dad!

Dad!

Have you seen Ashley?

Oh! Uh...

Sorry, son.

There you go.

I'll just, er...

Um, yeah.

HE SOBS

HE WAILS LOUDLY

HE SNIFFS

HE CHOMPS LOUDLY

HE WAILS

# I can't live

# If living is without you

# Can't live

# I can't give any more... #

Excuse me, sir. Sorry to trouble you,

but do you know which train goes to the end of the rainbow?

TANNOY: 'Would the person responsible for Simon McGregor

'please come to the information point.

'That's the person responsible for Simon McGregor

'to the information point. Thank you.'

Right this way, Mrs McGregor.

He was a bit shaken at first, but he's fine now.

After you.

He's just through these double doors.

He's just down here.

Simon, your wife's here.

You know what, Davie? I think it's time Billy came up the hill with us.

Aye, strong enough now, Dad.

Billy! Billy!

Aye?

What is it?

I've been having a chat with our Davie,

and I think it's time you came up the hill.

Oh...right.

Aye, you're a man now. You can join the flock.

Aye, I know.

I know it seems daunting, son, but you were born to do it.

And you'll be following in our footsteps. Aye, cheer up, man.

It's not that.

Well, what is it, then, son? Spit it out.

I don't want to be one of the flock!

What?!

It may be your way of life, but it's not for me.

Billy, this is the path you must follow

if you want to stay in this family.

Well, maybe I don't want to follow the path!

Well, if you don't follow the path,

how are you going to get into the field?

I'm sorry, Dad.

Well, if we all thought like that, there would be total chaos.

There would be a sheep everywhere. None of us would be in the field.

Aye, and the sheep dog would have a heart attack.

It's my life!

Well, what do you want to be, then?

A dancer!

MUSIC: "Flashdance (What A Feeling)" By Irene Cara

A dancer? Aye!

You're a bloody sheep!

We're sheep, we follow!

Ugh! I can't take any more of this, Dad.

I'll get you up there. How can you be my brother?

Davie! Let him go.

He's right, though, son. No sheep has ever been co-ordinated.

I'm different, Dad. I'm a dancer!

# ...When there's nothing

# But a slow, glowing dream... #

Billy! Aye?

Stop turning your head dramatically when I'm trying to talk to you.

No, Dad. I've got a talent,

and you've got to see it.

MUSIC RESUMES Billy! Stop that now!

No, I can't! It's inside of me!

Billy, pack it in!

It's like electricity!

Dad, you're dancing! No, I'm not!

I'm following you, you bloody idiot!

# ..Of my heart

# What a feeling

# Feeling's believing... #

Come on, Dad! Oh, Billy, man, behave!

What's happening?!

Billy's dancing! Don't look at him!

Davie, you're a natural!

Shut up, man, you're putting us off!

Oh, no, now look what you've done!

Wow, what a family!

Oh, Billy, me back, man!

Yeah!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd