Episode 5 The Ginge, the Geordie and the Geek

-CHILDREN SHOUTING: Fight! Fight! Fight!

-Hey!

-Fight! Fight! Fight!

-Hey!

Clear off. Go on!

Mr Seward, Mr MacGregor, what the hell is going on?

-He drank me coffee, sir.

-Enough of your lip!

-Sir, he...

I don't want to hear it!

You, get to my office!

And as for you, you'll be taking 4D on a field trip.

-Oh...

-SIGHS

As you can see, it's been a tough year for the company.

We slowed down in the last two quarters, but after preventing the Hare Corporation takeover,

we can accelerate through the next. Any questions, Mr Tortoise?

No? OK then, we'll move on.

-There's a bomb in the building. We've got to get out!

-Let's go!

ALARM GOES OFF Move it, quick! Hurry up!

Damn.

Stop running!

ALARM STILL GOING OFF

Right...

Tuck in.

I'm sensing a bit of an atmosphere here.

What's the matter?

Right, this stops now.

-You need to talk to each other.

-Hmm.

Just put the fight behind us. It's time to move on, forgive and forget.

Forget what? Hey-hey!

Exactly.

We've got a big gig coming up and we need to be a team.

A team? Like The A-Team?

SINGS THEME TUNE

-Oh, shut up!

-Hey, there's no need for that!

Don't touch me! I know where that hand's been.

-You make him nervous.

-He's not nervous. He's a show-off.

But he's a great talent and he can go all night.

If he's that good, you can do the gig without me.

You know we can't. They're expecting a threesome.

Tough! You need to choose, Bob. It's either me...

..or him.

-I can handle you both.

-SINGS TUNE

Is he going to stop? Are you going to stop?

-I'm going to stop him. I'm going to knock his block off!

-Stop it, both of you! I can't hear myself think.

I've had enough of this. I'm going to bed.

Well?

Are you two not coming?

Fine!

Suit yourselves!

ALARM STILL GOING OFF

-That door's locked! We're going to use the back door!

-The back door!

Oh, crap!

-Any instructions for the recovery team?

-Check dressings and wound site for haematoma.

Make sure the drain is less than 500ml in the next 24 hours.

OK... Did you get up to anything last night?

-Well, yes. Do you know that nurse in A&E?

-Yeah.

-Jane?

-Yeah.

-I took her out for dinner.

-Wow! She's lovely. How did you manage that?

Quite simple, really. I said, "Do you know CPR because you take my breath away?"

# No need to ask He's a smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Coast to coast, LA to Chicago

# Western male... #

Psst!

Psst!

What?

Are you awake?

Yes.

How are you feeling?

Stiff.

I thought that was Bob. Hey-hey!

I'm sorry for attacking you.

I never meant to take Bob away from you.

Yes, you did.

Look, it wasn't until we started talking that I found out about you

and by that time, he was in too deep.

You know, I actually admire you in a way.

Really?

You've always got a smile on your face. I don't know how you do it.

It's how I'm painted. Hey-hey!

I'm not a funny puppet. Not any more.

-I have my dark moments too, you know.

-Really?

I had a massive empty space inside of me

and then Bob came along...

..and filled it.

Since you've been around, I've seen a different side to Bob.

How do you mean?

I sit on his left side now.

Hey-hey!

CREAKING

I think we'd better get rehearsing.

ALARM RINGS

Right, I want this nonsense to stop.

Of course. Understood, Headmaster.

Sorry.

No, listen. I'm sorry.

Thank you. Now, back to lessons.

Right, class, open up your books to page 23.

Sometimes, sir, I think we're sacrificing too much to crack this damn female code.

Every agent accepts the risks. He knew what he was doing when he moved in with her.

What if we've gone too far?

-No... No.

-He's coming round, sir.

-Leave me!

-Frank!

-What?

-Frank!

You're back at HQ. You've been in the infirmary.

-What happened?

-We think the female poisoned you.

Can you remember anything, Frank?

I can't speak. I'm completely parched.

-Here!

-We've taken your blood. We'll get a diagnosis any moment now. Don't worry.

I don't want to die!

-PHONE RINGS

-You won't. You're in good hands now.

-You're a credit to your gender, Frank.

-Hello?

All right, thank you.

Sir, the test results are in. It's man flu.

No!

-Get a blanket and boil an egg.

-Right oh.

-And make some soldiers.

-Roger.

Blast! I still can't do two things at once, sir.

Of course not. Frank, you'll just have to soldier on.

I can't take any more, sir.

Please, just...

Just finish me.

You'll get through this, old chap.

She'll pay for this. Mark my words.

-They're obviously getting close, sir.

-No, I'm not entirely sure it was her. She has it as well.

-How do you know?

-She had a headache.

-That's not completely unusual.

But this wasn't at lights out, sir. This was during the day.

My God!

And even with the sniffles, she just carried on.

They must have a secret antidote, sir.

They're cleverer than we thought.

-Did she show you any sympathy, Frank?

-No. Quite the opposite.

I was lying on a sofa barely alive...

and when I groaned in pain,

she just said to me, "You should try giving birth!"

That's completely irrelevant.

-Then she went to work.

-She went to work?

-Yes.

-Unbelievable!

Sir...

He's smelling a bit.

-Perhaps we should run him a bath.

-No.

No bathing until it is out of his system completely.

Stinking is part of the cure.

I'm sorry I didn't crack the code, sir.

Don't you close your eyes, God damn it!

He's gone, sir.

He's with the angels now.

SNORES

ALARM STILL GOING OFF

Can you give me the number for the Little Bay Restaurant in Bath Street?

-I've just sent a text to your phone.

-Thanks.

-Going on a date, are we?

No, just me. I fancied a night out.

Maybe I can make it a table for two.

Sorry?

# No need to ask He's a smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator... #

Lisa! Lisa!

Cancel my two o'clock, hold all my calls and get some sandwiches in here pronto.

Guys, I know this is difficult, but we're running out of time.

I need a resolution by close of play today.

We're firing blanks.

There's loads of questions, but no real answers.

Come on, Alan, you're better than this.

-Am I fat?

-No.

-No.

-Am I bald?

-No.

-No.

-So I'm definitely not Buddha?

-No!

I don't know who I am. Can I get HR down here, please?

-No, there's too many forms to fill in. Let's just push on.

-I'm never going to get it.

-We won't be able to give you a smiley face on your report card.

-Will this affect my appraisal?

-It's too early to tell.

-Am I a badger?

Stop sniffing the pens, Colin.

Let's park it on the hard shoulder. We've spent far too long on this.

I'm sorry, Gary. I feel like I've let you down. I don't want that.

It's all right. Let's just move on to the main issue. Colin?

I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.

PHONE RINGS Telephone.

-Yes!

-Brilliant, Alan!

Great meeting, guys. Well done.

And move on to your next date.

It was really nice meeting you. Hopefully, we'll see each other again at some point.

Hi.

-Sorry, it's the girls that move on.

-What?

Yeah. No, it's the girls, they move on.

Oh, I see. I'm not good enough for you?

-I'm not saying that.

-It looks different from where I'm sitting.

Well, you've only just met me.

Then we should go for a drink.

But I'm not gay.

Is drinking gay?

-No, but...

-So what are you doing Friday?

-Nothing.

-Great.

This is nice.

Yeah, look, uh...

I'm going to go.

Why?

-Well, I'm into women.

-Oh, my God!

-You're homophobic.

-No, I'm not. I'm an open guy.

-Great. Then come back to mine and we'll have a coffee.

-I'm not gay.

Is coffee gay?

-No, but...

-Exactly.

One sugar or two?

Look, um...

Are you sure this is all right because I'm not into guys?

-You really need to open up.

-Right.

-How about a little dance?

-What?

-Is dancing gay?

Well, no, but...

Ssh!

Exactly.

MUSIC: "Lady In Red" by Chris de Burgh

# I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

# I've never seen you shine so bright

# Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm

# I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance

# They're looking for a little... #

Here, on the open plains of the British high street, the daily stampede has begun.

But in this lonely and sometimes hostile environment,

one of the most irritating creatures known to Man actually thrives.

Spare two minutes for charity?

The street fund-raiser or chugger, dogged and persistent.

Spare two minutes for charity?

Oh, how no'? Spare two minutes for charity?

Oh, how no'?

-To be caught in their web can be fatal.

-Hello!

He's spotted me. I'm now in real danger.

-Adopt a donkey?

-Excuse me. Sorry.

Hello...? Yes, yes, I'm listening.

Yes...

I'm not really talking to anyone.

The danger has just increased with the arrival of one of nature's greatest predators.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-The chav...

-Spare two minutes for charity?

-Whit?

-Stroke a donkey?

-Stroke a donkey?

Ugh!

Bampot.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

-One last beer?

-No, I'd better not.

-She's making me macaroni cheese tonight.

-Your favourite. Of course.

Look, I'd better go.

-I'll visit.

-Thanks.

All the best.

# Don't go

# Don't go...

# You were the one that made us complete

# With your dirty dishes and your smelly feet

# I'm so numb, I can't feel any more

# I'm prayin' that you'll walk back through the kitchen door

# Someone tell me that I'm only dreaming

# He stole my toothbrush and my heart inside me

# In this world without heroes he shone so bright

# I'm jealous of the woman who's holding him tonight

# It's like this man crush came from heaven

# Not a pub in 2007...

# Let's not shake hands and shrug

# Just hold me in a man hug

# Say how we feel

# Show that it's real

# Titanic made me cry... #

ALARM RINGS

# I cried at Titanic

# I'm that sort of guy

# This is a true bromance

# We've got to take that chance

# Say how we feel

# Show that it's real

# Let's not shake hands and shrug

# Just hold me in a man hug

# Say how we feel

# Show that it's real... #

Delivery for you.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CHEERING

PHONE RINGING

-Mr Donald?

-Yeah.

-Come in.

I'm your son's consultant paediatrician. Please take a seat.

How is he?

Well, we've assessed him and we think he may be depressed.

-Really?

-I'm afraid so. I sang "if you're happy and you know it" and he didn't clap his hands.

No, Lisa, we've already tried that. It doesn't work, sweetheart.

Of course we've plugged it in!

(Colin, is it plugged in?)

Yeah.

Look, it's definitely not that.

OK, find out whose job it is and get back to me.

-Alan, do you know whose job it is to turn on the projector?

-No.

I've just seen Steve turn the kettle on. Maybe it's him.

-Colin, go and get him.

-OK.

No. No, wait.

-I've got something very important to tell you.

-What?

-Now, you've got to promise not to tell anyone.

-What is it?

Santa works in our office.

-Really? Well, I didn't interview him.

-I think he's in disguise.

A secret Santa?

-Who told you?

-Sheila from Accounts, but she's very hush-hush about it.

Well, why didn't I know about this?

I wonder who it is?

-They all look so normal.

-Hmm.

-Where do you think he keeps his reindeer?

-On the roof?

Maybe it's Malcolm. He's always got carrots.

-No, they're for his houmous.

-Roger in HR has got a bit of a beard. Maybe it's him.

He's not got the tummy though.

-It's not me!

-Apparently, every present's got to be under a fiver.

Aw!

It's got to be someone in the post room.

It's Margaret. She's got massive hands and an Adam's apple.

Don't be ridiculous. Margaret's gorgeous.

No, I think it's got to be Jim.

-Damn!

-What?

I broke Jim's pencil sharpener yesterday. I might not get anything.

-I want so many things.

-We'd better write a list.

Right, what do we want?

Colin?

Someone that can work the projector.

-Ding!

-Dong!

-Ding!

-Dong!

-Ding!

-Dong!

-Ding!

-Dong!

-Ding!

-Dong!

-Ding!

-Dong!

-Ding!

-Dong!

Ding!

Psst! It's you.

I forgot the words.

CAR DOOR CLICKS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

All right?

-What the hell do you think you're playing at?

-What?

You've stolen my shadow.

-I haven't.

-Yes, you have.

-Well, if he's yours, why does he follow everything I do?

-Does he?

Hey!

Look, he's tired. We were up late.

And we had a few drinks.

Just give me him back.

Whatever, mate. I'm going to work.

Wait!

Do you remember the good old days?

MUSIC: "Me And My Shadow"

# Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall

# Like the seashore clings to the sea

# Like you'll never get rid of your shadow

# You'll never get rid of me

# Let all the others fight and fuss

# Whatever happens

# We've got us

# Me...

-# We're closer than pages that stick in a book

-..and my shadow

# We're closer than ripples that flow in a brook

# Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look... #

Hey! What are YOU doing here?

-I was feeling left out.

-But these are OUR good old days.

-But I want to be part of the magic.

-Have you got your dancing shoes?

You bet I do!

# We're alone but far from blue

# Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar

# We'll hit a few late spots and then a few more

# We'll start up at Stringy's and maybe Groucho's

# Life is gonna be a wow-wow-whee

# For my shadow

# And me-e-e-e-e-e-e! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd