Episode 6 The Ginge, the Geordie and the Geek

Morning, David. Lovely day for it.

I hope your aim's better this week. I think so.

Last time, you nearly shot my bloody spaniel.

How about a little wager this week?

Splendid idea.

BIRDS HONK

SHOT FIRES

SHOT FIRES

One-all!

There's a few trigger points in the upper leg,

so I'm going to start there.

OK. I've never had acupuncture before.

Will it hurt?

You may feel a slight tingling sensation or a dull ache,

but that's perfectly normal. Right.

AIR HISSES

HISSING STOPS

Oh, dear!

HISSING

Is everything all right? No, everything's fine.

What's going on? Nothing.

Aaargh! Aaargh!

Aaaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh!

The jammy git!

Play on! Play on!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Oh, no. Don't make eye contact with him.

Is this seat taken? Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's you. Fantastic penalty today. Lovely technique. Thanks.

What you think you're doing, ref? I thought I'd pop in for a drink.

Well, you can't sit with us.

Yellow card! What?

Unsportsmanlike conduct. What?! Come on, ref.

That's ridiculous! You, back off. You, over here.

Right, turn around.

This is BLEEP!

Second yellow! Abusive language.

Oh, referee! Red card, you're off!

Not again.

You wonder why we don't drink with you. It's the letter of the law.

I'm going.

Look, please.

Listen... I find it hard to switch off after a game.

Look.

Give me a chance.

All right. One drink. What you want?

An orange juice. I'll get it, though.

No, it's on me.

Lay your hands...

on a match official?!

Red card! But...

You're off! Ref... Go!

Well, I guess I better file this report.

By myself.

Again.

# All by myself... #

REF SOBS

# Don't want to be

# All by myself

# Any more... #

Bit windy.

MUSIC: "Alone" by Heart

# I hear the ticking of the clock

# I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark... #

HE CLEARS THROAT

Barman?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Barman.

HE CLEARS THROAT

# Alone

REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE

# Till now, I always got by on my own... #

SPEECH IS NOT AUDIBLE

# I never really cared until I met you

# And now it chills me to the bone

# How do I get you alone?

# Alone

# Alone... #

Robin. Has Frank surfaced yet?

No, sir. It's permanently engaged.

Well, at least he's still alive.

I'll try again later.

Surely we should have heard from him by now.

On his last report, he said the female was extremely volatile.

She displayed five emotions in 30 seconds.

We should have pulled him out, sir. No.

We have to crack the female code.

Sir.

Frank? You look dreadful!

Sit down, old man.

Frank, what's wrong?

I'm a father!

My God!

How did that happen?

I don't know!

But yesterday we had to make a mad dash to a hospital

and we waited for hours.

Sounds awful.

Oh, she was all right, she had her own bed and everything.

I had to wait in the corridor. Everyone just ignored me.

Solitary confinement.

I was brought into a room.

There were strangers in masks everywhere.

What went on in there?

Torture.

It's all right, old chap, take your time.

My poor hand was being squeezed so tightly,

crushing my fingers, it was agony.

You'll get a medal for this, Frank.

They brought in some painkillers.

At least they had some humanity.

And they gave them to her!

Then I was...

verbally abused...

for five-and-a-half-hours.

Psychological torment. They knew what they were doing.

No!

It was her, Sir.

She was screaming at me, "Don't look at me,

"this is all your fault,

"you great big stupid oaf!

"And why are you the one that's crying?"

Then she said, "You'll pay for this later."

She must know about the mission, Sir.

A double agent.

They told me not to look.

What did you do?

I looked.

Then it... All went dark.

And after that I can't remember anything.

Sensory deprivation.

That contravenes every article of the Geneva Convention.

Sir, I'm ashamed to say I... I fainted.

I'm not surprised,

you had been through a terrible ordeal.

Oh, thank you, Robin.

I came to in a chair in the maternity ward.

Was the female with you?

Oh, yes. She'd been given buttered toast and tea!

And I didn't get anything.

What a wretched, wretched business.

It gets worse.

Now I'm caught in a pincer movement.

How do you mean?

The baby is a female.

BIRDS TWEET

MUSIC: "Macarena" by Los Del Rio.

# Hey, Macarena! #

BIRDS TWEET

# I see you, baby, shaking that ass

# Shaking that ass, shaking that ass

# I see you, baby, shaking that ass

# Shaking that ass

# Whoo!

Close your eyes

And get sexy with it

# Whoo!

I know you all know what I'm talking about, I see ya

Come on

I see ya...

CLATTERING

# I see you, baby, shaking that ass... #

Go on, then, go on, play it in.

Play it!

Oh! Get in there.

Hi, mate, how's it going? Great, we just scored.

Who scored? There's no telly.

You're miming.

What? No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are, you're bloody miming.

Why are you so bothered? What's wrong with a mime every now and again?

Are you on the game? Are you out of your mind?

You know fine well the dangers of miming.

I was just trying it out.

It did nothing for me.

I'll never do it again.

Do you promise? I promise.

Cross my heart and hope to die. You're hit.

No! You'll be building walls and walking down stairs you've never seen.

I know what I'm doing. Oh, come on!

You'll end up on the streets.

Some of them can't even move any more.

That won't be me.

What's this?

White face paint.

It's not mine. Oh, right, so you won't mind if I get rid of it then?

No!

I don't know who you are any more.

Look, wait.

I can sort myself out.

Please.

No more walls?

None.

DOOR SWINGS SHUT

You got the stuff? Yeah.

You got the money? Course.

Hey! This isn't real.

Give me that.

Come on. You know I'm good for it. Please.

You man duties are all the same.

HE GASPS

MUSIC: 'Born Slippy' by Underworld

Graham? Graham, is that you?

Well, speak to me.

Say something!

Look at the state of you. You're a mess. I can hardly even recognise you.

I warned you, didn't I? I warned you this would happen.

Can't even look at me.

CROWD NOISE

WHISTLE

# I see you, baby Shakin' that ass

# Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass... #

Snap!

Would you like a coffee or anything before we get started?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Can you describe the man who assaulted you to my colleague?

Yeah. He had long hair.

And, erm... Quite a thin face.

Any piercings?

Yeah, he had a nose stud and, erm, a scar right down his left cheek.

Anything else? No, that's it. Sorry.

That's me.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of assault.

CAT MIAOWS

Whoa! Whoo-hoo!

Ah! Keep your voice down, son. Sorry, Dad. Right, boys. Spread out.

Wait. What's that? There's a big block of cheese, Dad. Oh, ya dancer!

That'll feed us for a week. Come on, let's go. Dad, wait. What?

I smell a rat. Don't be stupid, it's poker night. Dad, wait.

Oh, for crying out loud, what is it now?

We cannae just eat it all - what about Mum and the little ones?

Liam. Robert. John. Scott. Shona. Stephen. Ali. Sheena. Lisa.

Adam. Dan. THEY LIST NAMES FASTER AND FASTER.

..and little Timmy?

Boys, I'm ashamed of you! You forgot about your brother Mickey.

That boy is a star. BOTH: Sorry, Dad.

Now. As your dear grandad always said -

the mice can't come to the cheese, so the cheese must come to the mice.

Now come on, let's go.

Oh, no! What is it, Dad? It's a trap. Ah! rat pee!

We've not eaten in ages.

Mum's skin and bone. And little Timmy's on his last leg.

Sons, there comes a time in every mouse's life where

he must put his head on the block.

THEY GASP

But you can't! You'll die!

Boys - be strong.

David, always follow your instincts.

James, don't eat your mother.

I'm going to go.

And when you hear the snap, just run and get the cheese.

Bye, sons.

You're my blood, and you're my life. Do me proud.

No, Dad! Dad, no!

THEY WHIMPER

HE CLEARS THROAT

Aye, it's, erm...

Edam, boys.

Your mother can stand Edam.

Come on, let's go.

# I see you, baby Shakin' that ass

# Shakin' that ass Shakin' that ass... #

There you go. Thanks.

Now, if you could just take me through exactly what happened.

Anything new you might think of might help us find him.

We've been through it so many times.

I know, Sir, but in a missing persons case,

every little detail could be vital.

I had my eyes closed.

Yeah, we know that, but what about when you opened them?

I said,

"Here I come, ready or not."

And he was gone.

Snap!

Well, it's been a scintillating game so far, Mark. I agree with that.

Oh, and here's a chance! Oh! That's got to be a dive, hasn't it?

Categorically, without doubt, Jim.

He'll get a booking for that, I'm sure.

Here comes the referee.

You're right, he is calling the player over, Mark.

I'd hate to see a red this early, though.

It just spoils the game, in my opinion.

Oh, no!

It's a smacked bottom!

Well, he didn't expect that.

Harsh but fair, Jim. Harsh... But fair.

WHISTLE

OK. Thank you.

Good evening. My name is Chief Inspector Stephen Elliott.

Earlier today, this young man reported his friend missing.

A subsequent search of the surrounding area has found nothing.

We're here today to appeal for any information that could lead to his whereabouts.

He'd now like to make a short statement.

I'd just like to say...

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Thank you.

Sorry, I never heard you come in. Sorry, Doctor. Take a seat.

Sandra, book me a hearing test, please.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

I've not been feeling myself lately.

OK. In what way? Lost my appetite, and I'm constantly feeling cold.

Right. Are you sleeping all right? No, not really.

Tell you what, pop yourself up there and we'll have a little listen to your chest, shall we? Yeah.

No. No. No.

Nothing.

Ah! I know what the problem is. Right.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but...

you're a ghost.

Sandra, cancel the hearing test.

I... I don't understand.

Not to worry, it's very treatable.

I'm going to prescribe four...

No - FIVE nightly walks.

OK.

And some people find howling helps.

Howling? Yes.

HE LAUGHS SPOOKILY

Right.

FEEBLE SPOOKY LAUGH

No.

No, that's... That's pathetic. Howling, come on!

BOLD SPOOKY LAUGH

HIGH-PITCHED WARBLING

That's singing. I want holing. Come on, give it to me.

STRONGER SPOOKY LAUGH

Good. Good, I like it. Thanks, Doctor.

HE HOWLS WOMAN SCREAMS

Sandra? Sandra?

# Just singin' in the rain

# What a glorious feeling I'm happy again... #

MELLOW COUNTRY MUSIC

AMERICAN VOICE: This is Steve. Steve has a sandwich.

This is Mike. Mike has a newspaper.

Steve is jealous of Mike because he doesn't have a paper.

Steve has nothing to read. He only has a sandwich.

Oh! And this is Jim.

Mike is jealous of Jim because Jim has a girlfriend.

Look how happy he is. Jim is in a relationship.

Mike doesn't have anybody.

But Jim is jealous of Steve and Mike.

He doesn't have a paper OR a sandwich.

And Jim isn't allowed a KitKat anymore.

He's in a relationship.

These men work together.

There are times when they hate one another.

Do you want a cup of tea? That'd be great, cheers.

How are you getting on? Erm... I think your filter's gone, mate.

Really? Yeah. I'm just going to check round the back.

Great bum!

You could have at least left us in the dressing room, Bob.

Yeah. I'm not thinking properly. Sorry. Hurry up. I'm trying.

And they said show business was glamorous.

I'm so nervous... I don't think I can do it.

It smells like you already have.

Hey-hey!

I'm serious. I can't go on.

You're going to have to do it on your own? On our own?

We can't do it without you. Come on, pull yourself together, Bob.

Right, thanks. I needed that.

Oh! What was that for?

I was feeling left out. Hey-hey!

Look, you know I find these things hard to say, but...

I'm proud of you, Bob. What if I forget the routine? You won't.

We're a team. The Three Musketeers.

All for one? BOTH: And one for all!

OK, let's do it.

Oh. Er...

Don't even think about it, Bob.

I think it must be a burst pipe or something. Right.

When did you first notice it?

Yesterday, it was dripping from the ceiling downstairs. OK.

Let's have a look, then, shall we?

Great bum!

# And have come so far And we've reached so high

# And we're still so young And we hope for more

# Been on this path of life for so long

# Feel I've walked A thousand miles... #

I love you, Bob. I love you, too.

Stop miming, Bob. Hey-hey!

# Everybody's been there

# Just when I realised What a fool I could be

# Just cos I look so high You don't have to see me

# Finding a paradise wasn't easy But still

# There's a road going down The other side of this hill... #

Careful, they're flammable, Bob!

# Never forget Where you're coming from... #

We're already on fire! Hey-hey!

# Some day

# Soon this will all be Someone else's dream

# This will be someone else's dream

# Never

# Everybody sing Ooh, baby

# Never

# No, never Never forget, oh, no

# Some day

# La la la la la la la la Oh oh oh oh

# Never

# Everybody sing that song

# Yeah, la la la la la, now

# Some day

# Soon this will all be Someone else's dream

# This will be someone else's dream

# We've come so far... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd