When I'm 65 The Good Life

< KNOCKING

-Hello, Margot.

-Hello, Barbara.

-Hello, Margot.

-Hello, Tom.

Is this the sort of thing you meant?

Oh, Tom, they're perfect! You've made them beautifully.

-What do I owe you?

-We'll discuss that when we're alone!

-Don't spoil it, Tom, please.

-Sorry. Anyway, I've never made Japanese sleeping blocks before.

-I don't expect you have.

-Not much call for them in Surbiton.

-I suppose not.

-Why do you want a couple of Japanese sleeping blocks?

-For a Japanese couple to sleep on.

-Put like that, it sounds reasonable.

-Oh, it is.

We're playing host to Mr and Mrs Yashimoto from Kyoto.

Are they coming by plane or boat-o?

I'm so glad you don't live in this house, Tom.

Do you mean they actually USE these?

They may sleep on beds like normal people.

But if Mr Yashimoto says, "I say, Mrs Redbetter, you wouldn't have some Japanese sleeping blocks?"

-You can say, "Yes, I do."

-Exactly.

Well, I know the Japanese aren't big, but I don't see how they can balance on this all night!

Don't get like Tom, Barbara, please.

Tell you what, we'll give you a demo.

Now, RIE down!

Oh, dear!

No wonder they're industrious. These would make you get up early!

I agree, but if they want them, they're here.

-One can't pay too much attention to courtesies when one is the wife of an international executive.

-Who?

-Jerry!

-Oh, yes! Is he playing executive golf or has he gone for an international executive walk?

-He's in the study being examined by the doctor.

-Oh!

-Is he all right?

Yes, it's just a medical. We're increasing Jerry's retirement annuities.

-But you must have ten policies already!

-13.

-You'll be richer when you retire than you are now.

-That's correct.

There is a maggot in English society socialism. I don't intend to suffer from it.

I thought we were talking about insurance?

We are. If by some collective death wish there is a leftist government in power when Jerry retires,

we shall need to be buffered against state theft.

See you at the golf club, Jerry! >

That's class, having the doctor round. Beats taking you to the vet's in a cardboard box!

-All right, Jerry?

-Yes, fine. Hello, Barbara, Tom.

-Are you sure you're OK?

-Yes, I passed the medical, but...

-He noticed your wooden leg?

-No, I'm not as healthy as I thought.

-Oh, Jerry!

-But you said you passed the medical?

Scraped through is more accurate.

Oh, doctors all say you're ill. They have to earn a living.

-James said I'm abusing my system in every way.

-We all knew that!

-What?

-Five bottles of gin, no exercise, expense account lunches you're a mess!

Tom, if anyone is to call Jerry a mess in this house, it'll be me.

Only thing keeping you standing is your hardened arteries!

This is from the man who diagnosed creosote splashes on my face as measles!

I know Tom exaggerates, but he's about confirmed what James said.

-Change doctor.

-That won't make Jerry healthy.

-The tension of the job!

-Your first ulcer.

-It'll get worse over the next 20 years.

-Permanent nervous dyspepsia!

-Yes!

-That's if you live that long.

-Barbara, take Tom home.

-Come along, you're cleaning the pigs out.

-It's not my turn!

-It is now for cheering Jerry up.

When you die, can I have your golf clubs?

-That's funny.

-What is?

-You know the hen that sounds like Max Wall?

-Glenda, yes.

-Who?

-Glenda.

-Yes, well, her anyway.

She's never had chicks. What's wrong? She's a healthy hen, we have a healthy cockerel.

-Lenin.

-Lenin. So, what's wrong?

-It's a clash of personalities.

Chickens don't have personalities, love.

Of course they do! Just look at them.

Glenda's the type that likes to be courted and who's she got? Lenin!

He's a nice bloke, but all brash. He's too Oliver Reed!

Oliver Reed? You are stark raving mad!

Not that it matters in the end whether anything has a personality.

We're all victims to the old man with the scythe!

Is death your theme for the day?

No, why?

-You had Jerry with one foot in the grave.

-No, sedentary dolts like him go on.

It's athletes like me that go early.

At 150, they'll be going round in platinum wheelchairs trying to spend their two million a week!

-The good die young, eh?

-Probably.

-Just as well, because we haven't put a penny by for our retirement.

-Barbara...

-Mmm?

-We've had it! When we're old, we've had it. We haven't provided.

-I know.

-Why not?

-Because we haven't got any money.

Oh, yes. When I cast us adrift, I should have taken a lifejacket!

-I am happy.

-So am I NOW, but when we're old and penniless, what then?

I do buy stamps, we will get an old age pension.

-They're never enough!

-You're so much fun in this mood(!)

Another thing, will we be capable of working till pension age?

-Our life takes its toll. I could be clapped out at 50.

-You already are!

Don't try to cheer me up, I'm serious.

Are you saying senility is coming?

No. I'm saying that self-sufficiency is hard work.

When the body can't respond is when you realise you should've provided!

-At least Jerry's wife won't starve!

-How did we get to this?!

I'm older than you and women live longer! I'll leave you with nothing!

Say by some miracle, you do hang on for a bit...

That's two of us on the junk heap! There's no way out.

Go and sit by the fire and look for fairy castles in the flames.

Quite right. I need to think this thing through.

No, I just meant shut up!

# Then the days dwindle down...

# To a precious few...

# September...

# ..November... #

Not much of it left, really.

Funny...ha... one minute, you're skipping down the road in your first pair of long trousers,

and the next...

What happened to clothing coupons, eh?

What happened to the nit lady that used to come round the school?

What happened to proper footballs with laces, that cut your head open?

Would you mind hanging on to that?

Then you get to your 30s, ah, in the full flush and vigour of your manhood.

It's then you should plan for the future, but you don't!

And that.

And once you're past your 40s, you're just two furlongs out from the losing post.

-I know what you mean, Tom.

-I thought I'd get through to you.

-You mean life slips by so quickly!

-Yes, I do.

Soon, you're a wizened old man by the fire with a stick and blanket.

Exactly.

# Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh, what a beautiful day! #

-Feeling better today?

-Squeeze.

-Good morning.

-'Morning.

-Nosy?

-Rather!

Come on.

-Hello, Margot.

-Hello, Barbara.

-Hello, Margot.

-Hello, Tom.

Well?

What?

-Do you want something?

-..Oh, yes.

What?

Could you tell us the time?

You're transparent. Come in.

Wondered how long it would take for curiosity to kill the cat.

Go on, get it over with!

-You want to know why.

-No, we don't.

-Yes, you do.

-No, we don't.

-You DO!

-We do.

I'll tell you. Oh!

Well, what old James said the other day did put the wind up me.

-Thought I'd try and get fitter.

-Bit late, isn't it?

-Fighting the flab, too, Margot?

-Certainly not! I'm supporting Jerry.

-Margot, may I use your bicycle?

-They're like urchins with their noses up against a toy show window!

Giddy up!

That's going back, Jerry.

Why? It's lovely!

No, looking at you on it, Barbara, I see how undignified it is.

You stick to the weights. Ever done weights, Jerry?

-No, but I've an awful feeling you have.

-A bit.

-Tom saw it on TV once.

-Just clear, love, I don't want to hurt you.

Right, now, here's how it goes.

HE HUFFS AND PUFFS

-Do you have asthma?

-You have to hate the bar! That motivates you.

-You're the jerk of clean and jerk, presumably.

-Just watch, will you?

Shouldn't you have weights on it?

-There is that way of doing it, yes.

-I'll add some.

I don't want to hog it.

-Well, you've got all the gear.

-No, the bulk is arriving tomorrow.

-Bulk?

-If one is to get fit, one gets fit properly.

-But Finland has let us down.

-What has Finland done?

-They won't deliver the sauna for three weeks.

-SAUNA, eh?

Yes.

Jerry, you sniggered when I mentioned a sauna, now Tom's doing it. Why?

Well...

What does "well" mean?

-Well...

-What are they talking about, Barbara?

Well...

You see, you ALL know! The word sauna has another meaning for you!

-It doesn't matter, Margot. Just hope it snows!

-Thanks, but why snow?

You dash out in the nude, roll in the snow, then Jerry bashes you with a birch twig!

He most certainly does not!

-Oh, damn!

-JERRY!

This is a very serious attempt to live as long as possible by staying as healthy as possible.

You just want your share in the Bank of England on retirement.

I work damn hard, don't see why I shouldn't get a reward.

Hear, hear! If I had my way, the profit motive would be a compulsory subject.

-Money, money, money!

-What will you live on in old age? Parsnips?

-Come in, Mr Good.

-Thank you, Mr Downs.

-Do sit down.

-Thank you.

What can I do for you?

I like that. There's something I've always liked about this bank and about you.

You never lose sight of the fact that you are a person and I'm a person.

Though bank manager and client, you never lose respect for human dignity.

Oh, I see, you want a loan.

Not a loan, no, no. I want to make provision for my old age.

I try not to worry, but it keeps coming back.

-So I've come with a proposition.

-Excellent.

I would like you to give me £2,000 a year until I die.

You want a gift?

No, no. You see, I retire at 65, right?

I die at 85. That's 20 years, £2,000 a year, that's £40,000.

-You get my house on my death.

-Where does your wife live?

-With me.

No, I meant after your death.

Ah, good point, good point. We'll have to add on another 15 years, then.

Now then, 15 twos are... 30.

Which brings us up to...what?

-£70,000.

-Yes.

-Plus interest.

-That's thinking on the client's behalf again!

You pay me in lots of £2,000, but the bulk of the money is earning me interest!

Don't want to be a spoilsport, but I meant the interest you'd pay us.

Oh, THAT way round? Fair enough. What's that?

Let's take 10% as a convenient figure to work with.

Thank you.

70,000 over one, multiplied by... don't tell me!

..ten over a hundred...

We cancel out the noughts, that's right.

That gives us... 700,000? No?

-£7,000.

-Of course! Now, where were we?

£77,000.

How did you get that figure?

70,000 plus 7,000 equals 77,000.

Of course, it'd be added on!

Look, look, let's simplify things.

Say I take only 63,000 in the first place, and you keep the 7,000 as interest.

-But it's the bank's money in the first place.

-Remember, the house.

-I had a point about that.

-Fire away.

-What's its current market value?

Ooh, it must be £25,000.

So, Mr Good, you're asking the bank to make you a loan of £70,000

which you'll repay with a house worth £25,000.

You think you'll lose £45,000?

Yes, it had crossed my mind.

You won't, because soaring house prices will see to that. You could end up with an £100,000 house!

If I'm prepared to take that gamble, aren't you?

How can I put this? No, I'm not.

-Why?

-I'm sorry to say the whole scheme, in a business sense, is the product of infantile thinking.

I hope you can support that statement!

I'll have a stab at it. Supposing your house were destroyed by an Act of God, or a lorry?

You could insure it!

Thank you. Supposing you and your wife don't die so punctually?

We wouldn't hang on much after 85!

My grandmother lived to 103.

Really?

That adds another £36,000 to this loan, plus interest.

That brings it to £116,000.

Doesn't it all add up, eh?

Scrub round those figures. Say you only give us £1,500 a year...

I have enjoyed this excursion into fantasy, but we simply do not do this sort of arrangement.

There are other banks. I didn't want to wave the big stick, but you may lose my account!

Take my word, any reputable bank would give the same answer.

-Would they?

-They would.

-You've been honest with me. You keep my account!

-Thank you.

How much is in there, by the way?

Three pounds eighty-seven pence.

As much as that?

As much as that.

I'll have three pounds out to get Barbara some flowers. Have you... There we are, ta.

The tenth.

You may be a grumpy fool, but you do nice things. They are lovely!

He'll be having lunch with the other bank managers and they're all laughing at me!

Well, it wasn't a financially watertight idea, was it?

-It could have been!

-WAS it?

No!

-We've had it!

-OK, you run the bath, I'll get the electric fire.

-What?

-Well, we've nothing to look forward to, have we?

So, we jump in the bath, in goes the fire, no troubles!

-I don't believe in suicide.

-Fine, I'll murder you.

You'd be entitled to. That's what I'm doing to you, isn't it?

-Sit and listen to me!

-I am sitting.

-Then listen.

We have years ahead doing what we want. That's thousands of days! Who else is that lucky?

-Um...

-Quiet! If you're preoccupied with what is going to happen, we won't enjoy what IS happening!

I know you have these moods because you love me.

Big head!

Let's just do what we've decided to do, because it's smashing!

OW! Why did you kick me?

I always kick people who are right.

Sorry.

It's OK, Jerry, we're married.

Tom, can I borrow an adjustable spanner? My wall bars have arrived!

"My wall bars have arrived"(!)

Fine, laugh! Hasn't this joke worn a bit thin even for one of your limited intelligence?

-No. You are fast becoming the Olga Korbut of Surbiton!

-I bet I'm now fitter than you!

-Hah!

-When did you last exercise?

-When did

-I

-last exercise? Everyday, mate, out there!

-Like teak this is!

-Possibly from the neck up.

-Feel that!

-No, you feel that!

Children, go and play in the garden!

-Put your boast to the test!

-Any time you like!

-RIGHT!

-RIGHT!

-RIGHT!

Lower your voices. I could hear you in the avenue. You sound like barrow boys!

-All adolescents get growing pains.

-I'm fed up with it!

-With what?

-His sniping at my attempt to get fit.

-Attempt is the word!

-Tom, you're in no position to poke fun.

Your frame borders on the corpulent.

Margot, don't you start!

I could run you to exhaustion any time!

Oh, really? Let's see you!

-What round the kitchen table?

-Name the course!

-To the bandstand and back.

-What?

Too far for you, isn't it?

Not far ENOUGH! To the bandstand, round the golf course and back!

Really?

..Yes!

-Right!

-Right!

-Right.

-Right.

-Margot, I'll stop mine if you'll stop yours.

-I don't think so.

-Oh?

I think there's something rather fine and British about it.

A challenge issued and accepted without booting the shoe in, or whatever it is hooligans do.

-Any time you like!

-Any time YOU like!

-Don't start again!

-Shall we say tomorrow? I'll start the race at 10.00.

Jerry, I want to talk tactics.

Jerry!

Tactics won't save him!

-Stop acting like a big kid!

-This is more than a race, it's a contest between two lifestyles.

It's the rat race versus self-sufficiency!

-Oh, in that case...

-What?

-Just you make sure you win!

-If he's not here in two minutes, we'll claim the race.

-I knew he wouldn't...

Tom, what are you wearing?

-Self-sufficiency shorts. Made them last night.

-Oh.

Come on. I feel like a coiled spring!

Hello, Granddad.

Gentlemen, to your marks.

Tom...

Very well. I shall give you get set and go...

No, not yet! Not YET!

-Let them go. A cup of tea?

-All right.

-Shall I start the watch?

-Start it now.

Quit?

Quit.

Pub?

Pub.

-Here they come!

-Come on, Jerry!

-Come on, Tom!

-Come on, Jerry!

-Come on, Tom!

-Faster!

-Well done, Jerry.

-Honours even.

-Honours even.

-Bravo.

-All back to the pavilion, eh?

-I wouldn't mind it every Sunday.

-I'm on.

Oi!

You left your wallet in my cab.

Run!

-You CHEATS!

-Tom!

-Cheats!

-TOM!

-Tom!

-You TRAITORS!

Subtitles by Sharon Backer, TPL, for BBC Subtitling, 1999