20/12/2011 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson

'You have selected passport photo size.

'Please face the front.

'The other front.

'Please relax and avoid smiling when the photo is being taken.

'No. Please avoid smiling.

'Please, don't do that either.

'Look, just pull a normal face.

'Perfect.'

So. Last week was tough.

-Tough as steel, John.

-Tough as titanium, Gregg!

They'd never had it so tough.

Until now.

Until now. Tonight. Here. Now. Tonight.

-They thought they had it hard, they didn't know a thing.

-The idiots. The mollycoddled idiots!

No more Mr Nice Guys. This is quiche!

-Quiche is hard, John.

-Damn right. Tonight is the biggest test EVER.

This is tougher than childbirth!

Childbirth? Pff!

-It's tougher than fighting in the trenches.

-They'll be praying for death

after 20 minutes in the MasterChef kitchen once they attempt quiche!

-Quiche.

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

Quiche! They have no idea what this will do to their minds, their bodies, their families!

They may never see their families again!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

This is quiche!

-Quiche!

-Quiche!

OK. You got five minutes.

Five minutes. Good luck.

Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting Lincolnshire's youngest dry stone waller.

I'll be helping to renovate a windmill.

And I'll be spending a cosy night in a small paddock

with Randy the half-tonne bull.

This week sees the release on DVD of the critically acclaimed drama, The King's Speech.

In this film we see this guy. He's, like, 40 or something, and he's, like, the Prince of Wales

or a lord, or the king. But not the king now, the king yonks ago,

in the '80s or something, when everything was black and white.

So he tries to give a speech, and he's going "buh-buh-buh-buh", and everyone's like, "Spit it out."

And he wants to, but he can't, which I found quite moving, did you?

I mean, he tries. He really can't. It's very annoying,

I mean, really, REALLY annoying.

And then this man turns up and starts going "Do this,"

and then he says "I can't."

Then he says "do this," and he says "I can't," and then he says "Do this" again

and then the king goes "buh-buh-buh" and so on and so forth.

And everyone's like, "He can't do it".

But then he does.

But he still kind of talks funny, anyway.

Then the film ended, and that was, like, the end.

I didn't REALLY understand it.

Actually, I missed most of it because I was talking.

The King's Speech comes out on DVD on Monday.

I love Chinese food, I just wish cooking it was a bit more exciting.

You want exciting Chinese food?

Don't worry, girlfriend, because I've got noodles of excitement for you.

It's a wok,

It's a gun,

-it's the new Gok Wan Wok Gun!

-A Gok Wan Wok Gun? I want one!

Of course you do.

Everyone wants some Gok Wan Wok Gun fun.

And for a limited time only, buy one Gok Wan Wok Gun

and get one Gok Wan Wok Gun free.

My worn out old wok's gone, now I've got a Gok Wan Wok Gun.

The Gok Wan Wok Gun,

from the people who brought you the Ken Hom Hen Comb.

It's fierce, girlfriend!

Miss Willoughby, dinner is served.

Aw, thanks for having me round to dinner Phil.

I didn't have a chance to get anything in - the garage was closed.

Well, it's the least I can do for my most favourite This Morning co-host in the whole world.

Oh. Mm. Looks lovely, Phil. You cook a mean sausage.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ooh, I'm starving. Shall we tuck in?

Not no fast, Holly! First, let's find out the rules

'Inside the Cube.

'The game is for Holly to eat her meal while wearing boxing gloves.'

What are you doing, Phil?

Hang on Holly, that's not all. Is it, Mr Cube man?

'That's right, Phil. She'll also have a colander on her head.

'Holly will have to try and force the sausages through the little holes and into her gob.

'Will she take on the challenge?'

Stop it, Phil.

So, Holly, will you take on the Cube?

'The Cube!'

Phil, you've got to stop doing this. The Cube has taken over your life.

'The Cube!'

That sounds like a "yes." She's going to take the challenge!

Get ready, Holly, to take on the Cube!

'The Cube!'

We're not in the Cube, Phil. We're in your kitchen eating sausages.

'Sausages!'

Now, best of luck, Holly.

The whole audience is really rooting for you on this.

Remember, if you don't eat all the sausages then you won't get any pudding.

And it's Phil's extra special spotted dick.

'Spotted dick!'

Two out of five people usually succeed in this challenge.

So, good luck, Holly. It's time for you to take on the Cube.

'The Cube!'

For the last time, Phil, we are not in the Cube!

And where the hell is that voice coming from?

'Under the table!'

And our Political Editor, Nick Robinson, joins us now.

So, it's been a busy week at Number 10, Nick.

That's right, Fiona. A week is a long time in politics.

And this has certainly been a long week for the Prime Minister.

A party out of control, a Chancellor in open rebellion

and the lowest popularity ratings since records began.

And the troubles aren't over yet for the resident of Number 10.

Can he survive?

Well, one thing's for sure,

this Prime Minister isn't giving up just yet.

-SHOUTS:

-Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

So, where were you when the crime took place?

At home.

At home?

The cake stand - it's where I live.

You must have got a good view of the perpetrator. Can you describe him?

He was a man. Surprise, surprise.

Could you be a bit more specific?

A man - a useless waste of space that's only good for one thing.

And that's refilling the Hobnob box.

Can you tell me what he looked like?

He looked a bit weird.

Weird? In what way?

Well he had two ears, which is a bit pointless

cos we all know men don't listen.

Was there anything unusual about the robber's behaviour?

Yes - he was filling a bag with money whilst telling everyone not to move.

First time I've ever seen a man multi-task.

Look, if you did actually see a robbery take place,

how come you can't tell me a thing about the man that did it?

Because I'm in shock. The whole thing was very upsetting.

I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

OK. I'm sorry. It must have been traumatic.

You're telling me. He knocked over a cake stand.

Oi - that's no job for a man.

Leave the cleaning up to me.

I'll just eat them off the floor. Men. Honestly.

'Simon.

'Simon.

HE MOANS

'Simon.'

HE MOANS

CLAPS TWICE

'Hello, Simon.'

OK. I've got a horrible feeling I'm being haunted

and not by Louis Walsh like usual.

'Simon. I'm not a ghost.

'I'm your conscience.'

OK. Reality check - I don't have a conscience.

'Well, you do now.

'Now then. Isn't there someone you need to apologise to?'

To be honest, no.

'Someone you talked into doing something, then you left them totally humiliated and embarrassed.

'I'll give you a massive hint.

'She had a relationship with Ashley Cole.'

To be honest, sweetheart, that could be anyone.

'I'll give you another clue. Her name is Cheryl Cole.'

Is it Cheryl Cole?

'That's right, pet.

'You should call her and apologise.

'And offer her another job in America!'

Do you know what? You're absolutely right.

PHONE RINGS

Cheryl?

'Oh, I didn't really think this through, did I?'

Stacey Solomon, how's life as a celebrity?

Oh, yeah, it's mental.

People, like, call my name out in the street, and I'm like, "Really?"

They're like, "Stacey!" And I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

And my mum's like "Oh, my God, I can't believe it! Stacey Solomon's famous!"

And I was, like, winding her up the other day, right,

saying that I was going to change my name, and that.

But I wouldn't really, because I'm Stacey Solomon. Everyone knows me as Stacey Solomon,

so if I changed my name, they'd expect somebody else, not Stacey Solomon,

cos that's who I am, not the other person.

And they'd have to go and change my name on the door,

and then I wouldn't know where to go! Sorry.

What's going on? Oh, my God!

My mum would say "Hello, Stacey."

This week, I talk about the English food.

But I no eat the English food.

I am not a crazy man.

This a jelly.

But it not just a jelly. Is a jellied eels.

They take nice jelly and put fish into it.

Is a jelly fish. The Queen, she eat this.

No wonder that she talk funny.

But the Queen not have a jelly fish for breakfast.

For breakfast, she have this. This a "Full English".

Bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom,

egg, bread, black pudding.

All fry in a very lot of fat.

See, they try to kill themself.

I think is quicker than gun.

"But, Fabio, hold your horsemeat," you say.

"What is the black pudding?

"Is it a nice blackberry fruity pudding? Yum, yum."

No - is blood. See, they eat blood for breakfast.

They vampire people. The Queen, she eat this.

Wayne Rooney, he eat this.

No wonder his hair is falling out.

'Get to the heart of the action with "Andy Murray Tennis".

'Experience all the thrills and spills

'of being the world number four, in your own home.

'Get in!'

'Select playing mode. British.'

'Yes, I won.'

'Or Scottish.'

'OK so I lost - but at least I still have my FREEDOM!

'Push yourself to the limit,

'and play all the way to the ultimate level -

'The semifinal.'

CROWD GROANS

'Andy Murray Tennis.

'More fun than actually being me.'

'Buy now while his ankles last.'

Hey there, it's Paul, you know.

Now those folks over at the Impressions Show

they got in touch and they said "Hey, Paul, we're looking to try and put a band together.

"Do you reckon you could do us a favour?

"Call a few of your mates and see if they want to get involved in it?"

So I did that, and they did, and this is it.

Hope you like it. Hello.

MUSIC: "Hello" by Martin Solveig and Dragonette

# I could stick around and get along with you, hello... #

It doesn't really mean that I'm into you.

Hello. Oh-oh-oh.

You're all right, but I'm here, darling, to enjoy the party.

Don't get too excited, cos that's all you'll get from me. Hey!

Yeah, I think you're cute,

But I really think that you should know.

I just came to say

"'allo" Oh!

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

# Hello, oh-oh-oh-oh... #

I'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you.

Hello. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

-I'm going to let you try...

-To convince me to.

Hello.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

-I could stick around and...

-Get along with you.

# Hello, oh-oh-oh-oh... #

It's like the ring tone from hell, this.

It doesn't really mean...

That I'm into you.

# Hello, oh-oh-oh... #

You're all right, but I'm here, darling...

-To enjoy the party.

-Oi!

Hello! Hello!

I just came to say...

'Ello!

-Hello.

-'Ello.

-Hello!

-Hello?!

-Hello.

Hello, girlfriend!

-Hello, dear.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Good evening!

-BOTH: Hello!

-Hello!

I just came to say...

Hello.

That's the main headlines,

now let's go over to the news where you are.

Which is the news I've just told you,

but read to you by someone slightly shabbier in a cheaper jacket.

12-0. Come on!

Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

Remember Mandy from the office? Her baby's due on Tuesday.

Do you want to sign the card and put in for a present?

What kind of investment are we looking at?

Everyone else gave a fiver.

So you want £5 of my hard earned money?

£5 of my children's inheritance?

You know what, it's not worth it.

You give up too easily, young man.

Would I have won the World Hod Carrying Championships

three years running if I'd thrown in the towel that easy?

OK. I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'll give you half the money

but I'm going to want

25% of the child.

I can't do this.

That is such a shame.

Do you think he should have taken the offer?

No. I forgot to say that I own Ryman's.

There's always a first. Now come on, let's wrestle.

GRUNTING

Hi, there! It's David and Elton. And we're going to impart some of the knowledge that...

Oh, for goodness sake, don't milk it, dear.

You know they're only here to see me.

# Get to the point. #

OK, so now it's time for...

Changing nappies can be a total nightmare for anyone.

# Daddy, it's a nightmare Smells so bad it's just not fair. #

Quite.

So, here's our handy tips for making things so much easier.

# Get a nanny to change the nappy. #

Get a nanny. That's right.

You know what, those ladies are a godsend.

# They're a godsend. #

-HE SNIFFS.

-David, I think he's done one.

Come on, let's go to Milan.

I don't know your name, but you're on.

# Text me when he goes To University! #

No, I think it's lovely you called, Brucie.

I just find it a little hard to believe

that Bruno Tonioli's stolen your trousers.

All right, tickety-boo. Ciao, Brucie. Bye bye.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Arlene!

Len. What a lovely surprise.

It seems like ages since you returned any of my calls.

Yes, yes. I'm sorry about that.

But, do you know, I was going to call you just the other day?

But you didn't, did you?

No. But you know I suffer from number blindness.

All numbers look like the number seven to me.

So, unless your number was 777 7777,

I wouldn't get through.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, come on. If I know Arlene Phillips,

I know that she's tickety-boo, tip-top OK.

So what have you been up to?

Oh, me? Oh, yes, yes. Oh, I've been so busy.

So busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

I've been a judge on So You Think You Can Dance.

Yes, and I've been doing loads of other stuff. Loads of YOUNG stuff.

So many, many things I've been doing...

Anyway, the point is, I've not been missing Strictly at all.

No.

But, WE have missed YOU.

Really? Oh. Who's missed me?

Who? Well, it's hard to narrow it down, there's that many.

What about Brucie? Has Brucie missed me?

No. But thingy has. And, um, him...

..with the shoes.

Who's missed me?

Come on, Arlene, you're crumpling my bonhomie.

Anyway, I suppose I should be getting going.

But you will ring me, won't you?

Yes, of course I will, yes.

Here's my number. There. Just so you don't lose it.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Oh, that's funny. 77 7777!

Same as mine.

SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC

It's very neighbourly of you.

The flat's a mess of packing boxes, and I can't find the coffee.

Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.

When you want to make an impression,

you don't want none of that fancy, continental muck.

Here. Get that down your neck.

HE GAGS

What is it?

Whelks.

'The new Pearly King Whelkspresso Machine.

'A proper taste of the East End for you to enjoy at home.

'Genuine pub-fresh seafood.

'Whelks. Cockles. Winkles.

'Jellied eels.

'Crab sticks. Still,'

or fizzy, if they're on the turn.

'The romance of Bow Bells, at the push of a button.'

Huh. I'll have yours, then.

Mmm.

OK. Hi! Hello to all of you non-famous nobodies out there in cheap sofa land.

All right.

HE LAUGHS

There he is. That's him. Tall, isn't he? Yeah? The TALL guy.

I like pointing that out. Fills up airtime.

Totally brilliant. It's just a very astute thing to have said.

So, can you believe it, another series of An Idiot Abroad done.

Finished.

Sending Karl Plonkington off to more really exotic places.

In the last episode, yeah? The Somali pirate stunt.

HE GIGGLES

Probably a little step too far.

Hindsight.

But, whatever. Move on. Fine. Done.

Yeah? And hooray, because we've dreamt up an even better cheap show

on the back of my special envelope that I use to devise all my shows.

It's called An Intellectual Abroad.

We're sending David Dimbleby to Magaluf.

Brilliant.

Here's another one. A Blind Person Abroad.

David Blunkett, Venice.

Frosted Shreddies, carrots, quilted bog roll.

Shopping list.

Ooh.

Yeah, you are right. That is actually my shopping list.

-Do you know what? Sky'll probably buy that off us as well.

-Genius.

We can sort of get anything on.

An Unusually Tall Man In The Bahamas?

-Anything apart from that.

-Worth a try.

-No, it wasn't.

I've been here for about an hour, now, mooching around,

trying to get a feel for how the shop works, and you know what?

It doesn't.

It's like someone ate a load of clothes and then threw up.

So, Mary, what do you think of our little shop?

First impressions, I think it's a bloody disaster.

You're lucky you're not selling brain cells, cos I don't think you've got any in stock.

I mean, you've got to ask yourself, how does a customer feel

when they grab a load of clothes and then have to take them

in this dirty toilet of a room to try them on?

It's cramped, there's nowhere to hang anything.

No one is ever going to want to come back!

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Anyway I hope that's all clear.

Good luck with everything.

Aren't you going to give us some advice?

No, I've had a think and, actually, everything's brilliant. So, congratulations.

Gosh, is that the time? Better get cracking.

-Mary, what's that under your coat?

-Nothing! Got to go. Bye.

Get your hands off me! My dad's a copper!

Hey!

ALARM RINGS

'Bad jobs for celebrities. Number 28, John Bishop - bishop'

It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time,

I have sinned many times.

You think you've sinned, mate!?

The other week there was a bloke in our road

wearing a turquoise shellsuit!

Now that is a sin.

I says to him, "Hey, it's not 1988, mate."

So, anyway, about me?

Never mind about you. What about me? Who'd have thought it?

Me, just an ordinary working class lad from Liverpool.

Me, John Bishop - a bishop. It's me dream come true

What about my sins?

Never mind about that.

Just say four Hail Marys,

a dozen Kajagoogoos and two Lady Gagas,

and yous'll be all right.

Go on, soft lad, you can get on your way.

Have you ever wished you could think of something rude to say

but not been able to think of anything until it's too late?

Of course you have - you're an idiot.

Well, now help is at hand with my new limited edition

Insult Generator.

Just say a key word into the Insult Generator,

and hey presto, it generates an insult.

Plumber.

'When a sewer rat comes out of the toilet and spots you,

'does it scream and run away?'

HE SOBS

Traffic warden.

'When you meet a woman, do you lie and tell her you're a serial killer?'

HE SOBS

'Over 10,000 insults for every occasion.'

Estate Agent.

'They say in the event of a nuclear apocalypse

'only cockroaches and estate agents will survive.

'Poor cockroaches.'

HE SOBS

I don't know what I'd do without my Insult Generator.

'Nor do I. I think your brain cell just died of loneliness.'

SHE SOBS

'The Anne Robinson Insult Generator.

'So simple, even a two year old could use it.'

Which means it'll be way beyond you.

OMINOUS MUSIC

Can you smoke in here?

No.

Good. Filthy habit.

Miss Widdecombe. We need to talk to you about your book.

Oh yes. More than one.

I write novels, you know.

We know.

It's not a crime, is it?

You're not going to charge me with writing?

Writing is not a crime, Ms Widdecombe.

Although your dancing comes pretty close.

I like dancing. It gives me pleasure.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

How much pleasure?

What's the problem? You look as though you've seen a ghost.

And we're joined now by our political editor, Nick Robinson.

So, worrying times at Number 10, Nick.

That's right Fiona. Conflict in the Middle East, famine in Africa,

pestilence and death in South America.

But, all eyes are on the building behind me,

where the Prime Minister and his new cabinet

are facing problems

of truly Biblical proportions.

They may need a miracle.

Will they get one?

Only time will tell.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

MAN GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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