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Doris, Doris, I need a drop off at the Palladium
for the Six Pack of the Year Competition.
He wants picking up from the gym on Hanwell Street.
He might be running late so he may already be oiled up
and in his Speedos.
You know what, forget it - I've got this one covered.
Frankly, I'd rather spend the day on my own.
If you're going to be like that, I'd rather spend the week on my own.
Why are we even bothering with this? We both know it's over.
Fine by me!
Can I help you?
No, but I can help you.
I'm Nancy Dell'Olio.
How can you help us?
With the words in my head. Listen.
What you got to do is be true to yourself
and listen with your heart.
It will be amazing and fantastic with emotion for you.
Not for no-one else.
Ha ha ha!
It is a gift. To yourself. And you.
You know, I'd never really thought about it that way.
Yeah, you've really opened my eyes.
Thank you, Nancy Dell'Olio.
You are welcome in my head with your heart.
Yes, I am!
I'm working on a science programme where the boffins demonstrate
lots of exciting ways of making me explode.
It's called Bang Goes The Theo.
Loosh Women. It's the same as Loose Women, but we're all drunk.
It's a DIY show - we get loads of building experts in
and they try to renovate me.
It's time to meet our next contestant. It's Jeff from Norwich.
What the! Hang on, you're Phillip Schofield.
Jeff, welcome to The Cube.
-But are you brave enough to take on the challenge?
'Inside The Cube, Jeff will have to try and do a number two
'while juggling three wobbly jellies
'and balancing a bowl of custard on his head.
'But has Jeff got the guts for it?'
What's going on?
So, Jeff, are you going to take on The Cube?
-I'm not in The Cube, I'm on the loo.
He's going to do it, he's going to do battle inside the cubicle!
No, I'm not!
Good luck, Jeff. But remember, if you fail to complete your challenge
you won't be getting any toilet paper.
Oi! Schofield, give that back! I'm not on a game show!
I'm on the bog!
Who keeps saying that?
'Me, I'm in here. I can't flush!
'I appear to have busted the stopcock.
You. Me. Passport.
We've only just met. You don't even speak English.
But yes, yes, I will marry you.
Yeah, you know, if I'm honest I could never love another.
Cor. he's got nice buns. Oi, what's your name?
Every year in Britain, hundreds of Katie Price's boyfriends
Having been at her side for literally minutes,
these poor, frightened men crave media attention.
Here at the National Organisation for the Rescue of Katie's Squeezes,
we're dedicated to helping Katie Price's exes
and giving them the celebrity attention they deserve.
But we desperately, desperately need your support.
Just £10 a month will pay for one of these men
to have his one barely watchable reality TV show.
Oh, I like a man in uniform. Come here, handsome!
Since this ad began, two more hapless young men have become Katie's exs.
They desperately need your help.
With your help, we can make them feel special again.
Call the NORKS hotline now.
Oi, stop playing so hard to get!
It was unbelievable. The make-up, the dresses, the tantrums.
That's your fault for agreeing to share a dressing room with Russell Crowe.
In three, two...
Hey, coming up on The One Show - are video games getting more violent?
We speak to a pensioner mugged by one earlier this week.
And we've the amazing story
of a man who hasn't seen his brother for 40 years
after what some are describing as the best game of hide-and-seek ever.
But first this.
It was a five-bedroom period property on the market for £800,000.
But it was far too good for them, so I sold them the dog kennel instead.
Oh! Hello, Gordon.
Kirstie, I think you're very good on Location, Location.
It's Location, Location, Location, actually.
Really? Are you quite sure?
Fair dos. I'm not one to get into petty disputes or hold a grudge.
Anyway, Kirstie, I was wondering if you needed
any co-presenters on your show, Location, Location.
-Well, I co-present with Phil,
so I'm fine for co-presenters, actually.
Are you sure? Because I know an awful lot about the property market.
I stopped boom and bust. Well, boom, anyway.
I don't think so, Gordon.
We try to be upbeat and perky on our show, not glower
and throw staplers at people.
Who told you that? Was it Tony?
Look, I've really got to go.
Very well. You can keep your show. And for your information, your co-presenter is bald.
That's right, Kirsten, bald.
Ah, that is Ronnie Corbett. Ronnie, do you need a new comedy partner?
Just time for your Weatherview, here's Michael McIntyre.
Observe, observe. Have you ever observed how the weather forecast is always wrong?
It's always wrong. I mean, why don't they do an honest forecast?
This is what they should do. Like, here is tomorrow's weather.
In the morning, there will be some outbreaks of don't know,
don't know, don't know and don't know.
And in the afternoon there will be some more don't know, don't know
with a strong likelihood of look out the window, it could be anything.
And in the meantime, in Scotland, it will be raining.
It is always raining in Scotland, isn't it?
I've heard ducks having conversations about how wet it is in Scotland.
In a sort of quack quack, need a brolly, ducky brolly,
need an umbrella.. Umbrellas - cocktail umbrellas.
Is the sole purpose of the cocktail umbrella so the Scots can keep rainwater out of their whiskies?
This is what they are for.
So, in summary, I will be on tour here, and here, and here, and here
so expect lots of walking around and walking around
and vibrating of the hair.
What's going on now?
Now, ladies and gentlemen, apparently,
we are hosting the 2012 Olympiad here in the fair city of...
And the eyes of the world shall be upon us
for the prestigious opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games.
The director of which really needs no introduction.
Which is just as well as I haven't got the faintest idea who he is,
but I'm told he's very imaginative.
Here is a thingy on the thingy.
Press the thingy.
I'm Tim Burton, and welcome to Tim Burton's Olympic Opening Ceremony.
Much the same as any other Olympic opening ceremony, only darker,
So bleak it makes my soul feel empty.
The ceremony will showcase, you know,
a wonderfully morbid variety of "Deathletics" events.
Hurdles over tombstones. Relays with a severed arm.
And 10,000 metres digging.
Straight down to hell.
And, of course, it wouldn't be Tim Burton's Opening Ceremony
without Johnny Depp being in it.
So, please welcome Tim Burton's Olympic mascot, Edward Javelin-Hands!
He will be set on fire by the Olympic Flame
and spin in the delirium of his pain.
Truly, this is your most weird and pointlessly sinister work to date.
My heart flutters like the final twitches of a dying sparrow.
Be still my scary life partner, be still.
Right, there we have it. Any questions? No.
Hello, Alan's Cars. Number 43, where have you been?
I've got one for you, Terry.
Can you call on Mrs Clay from 56 Leaden Street at midnight.
Big knock on the door, Terry, make sure she knows you're there.
Then again at 1am. Then again at 2am.
Then every hour until dawn.
'Has she booked that many cabs?'
-No, she hasn't booked any cabs.
-'She'll find that annoying.'
Well, I hope she does find it annoying - serves her right
for saying I'd put on weight. Cheeky cow!
Hello, Alan's Cars.
Countryfile with John Craven and Kerry Katona.
Basically, we visit the countryside
and I try to explain to her what cows are.
And chickens. And horses.
And everything else.
I'm doing boxing on Sky.
Not commentating, I'm fighting the Klitchsko Brothers.
Both of them. At the same time.
I'm hosting my own show where the contestants
have to eat as much as they can in one hour.
I'm the only contestant.
So, Paul, how was your holiday in Egypt?
Don't you talk to me about Egypt!
Dear, oh, dear, the only pyramids I want to see from now on are the teabags.
What a dump! Them hieroglyphics are overrated, and all.
Women with heads of dogs. I've seen better drawings on the toilet wall in prison.
If I want to see a dog-headed woman, I don't need to go to Egypt!
You can have plenty of that on a hen night in Morecambe.
And all of that bleeding sand! Honest to god, it gets in every crack.
It's like going around wearing underpants made out of sandpaper.
I'm red raw here!
You can stick your Cleopatra's Needles where the sun don't shine.
I'd have more fun if I'd stopped in the departure lounge with a bottle of gin.
So are you doing anything good for the bank holiday?
I'd rather gargle with raw sewage!
Good evening, welcome to the News at Ten.
I'm Fiona Bruce and you're not, but I won't rub it in.
I'm joined now by our political editor, Nick Robinson.
Nick, complaints have been coming into the BBC from keen-eared viewers
saying you have been inserting song lyrics into your reports. Is that correct?
Well, Fiona, a senior member of the little men who live
inside my skull, working the various parts of my body,
said to me today, in no uncertain terms,
that this allegation
is total nonsense. Fiona.
Well, let's take a look at footage from your recent reports.
It's been a difficult day for the Tories.
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.
But can he read my poker face?
Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.
It's been a difficult day for the Lib-Dems.
It's not about the money, money, money,
we don't need your money, money, money.
But will I make the world dance?
Can we forget about the price tag?
Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.
It's been a difficult day for Labour,
but the question that remains is this.
If I lay here, if I just lay here,
would you lie with me, and just forget the world?
Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.
Do you have any explanation to offer?
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want,
is to find out if people actually listen to what I say.
Or, are my reports just a political version of the weather forecast?
No, sorry. I didn't get any of that. Must have zoned out.
Hi, there! You know what, parenting is really hard
but there's no harder time than during the teething process.
What? No interruptions? No bursting into song?
I didn't want to wake them, dear.
# Wake up it's a beautiful day
# And that's the only thing to say. #
So, teething pains are easy to soothe.
All you need to do is get hold of some ice.
We get ours from Everest.
And rub it on the baby's teeth.
It's OK, I'll sing him to sleep.
# Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear. #
Would you rather I sang Candle in the Wind?
Hello, how are you, and welcome to a very special The One Show,
where we are celebrating our 1,000th show!
There you go, there you go.
Yes, we'll be looking back at some of the memorable moments
from the One Show over the years.
We sure will, we sure will, like the moment
-when Dominic What's-his-name did something in somewhere.
And who could ever forget when Clare Thingummy did that thing, you know, with thingy.
TV gold, total TV gold.
And when Rav Whojamaflip was wherever he was,
with whatever doing whatever, whoever.
Whomever, even. Fab! Don't go away!
I'm sure I'll find it. Yeah, I'll see you in a minute. All right, bye.
I'm Nancy Dell'Olio. I'm here to help.
I'm just a bit lost. I'm trying to find Garland Court.
Listen and I will-a tell you with-a my words.
What you got to do is-a look inside your feel.
Because your heart is the me. And deep down is the whole world.
The real world in your dream. Where you live.
There is everything. And there is you.
And there is everybody. (LAUGHS)
Because-a life, it is a gift to the people.
Right. So it's opposite Greggs?
Yeah, you wanna get bus because it's miles in your dreams with your legs.
-Yes, I am.
That won't be a problem. Shall I fold the back seat down?
Mike, I've got a multiple pick-up and delivery.
There's a big order waiting at the Chinese on Fisher Street,
and then you can get an extra-large pepperoni pizza from the high street
and six bottles of wine from the offie.
And then deliver it all to 56 Barton Road.
-Yes, I know that's the office. I'm having a party! Hello?
I am in the Henderson household about to surprise one of them
with a very special person.
-Hello, it's me, Davina, off the telly!
-Oh, my god.
-Don't panic, deep breaths. Calm down.
-I am calm.
I'm talking to myself. Right, yes.
I'm here today to reunite you with someone you haven't seen
-for yonks and yonks and yonks.
-Is it my brother?
You see, he moved to Australia ten years ago.
No, its better than that.
Mum? Oh, God, it's my mum, isn't it? You see, I was adopted and my mum...
No, it's not your mum, it's your long lost son, Thomas.
Hello, Dad! What's going on?
Wow! This is massive! A brilliant moment for you!
-Go on then, give him a hug.
-Em, Tommy lives here.
Yes and we found him upstairs doing his teeth!
That's because I sent him up there five minutes ago.
Exactly. Five whole minutes ago, and you haven't seen him since.
But we found him! Brilliant! So exciting!
No need to thank us. I know, it's emotional. There, there.
So emotional. Brilliant! Utterly brilliant.
Back up to bed, Tommy.
Oh, no! He's gone again. Lost, again!
So sad. So sad!
My next show will be after my operation.
It's called Mary King of Shops.
Yeah, I'm in the jungle, you know, with Tom Jones, Michael Caine,
Stephen Fry, Helen Mirren and Madonna.
It's called I'm A Genuine Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
It's a documentary about what's going on in my life right now.
It's called 'What Katie Did After What Katie Did After What Katie Did Next'.
TOP GEAR THEME PLAYED ON PIANO OVER CRACKLY RECORD
Hello and welcome to Top Gear 1910!
This show is all about cars.
For those older viewers, I should explain,
a 'car' is essentially a carriage without a horse.
-'Tis the work of the devil!
-Ignore Piltdown man.
He felt the same way about the invention of the wheel.
This week we got to test drive the new Model T Ford.
Here's a picture of the car in action.
As you can see from our photograph, the car's top speed of an incredible
six miles an hour was way too fast even for our cutting edge cameras.
'Tis the work of the devil!
Better top up May's whisky glass. We decided to compare
the Model T Ford to other cars available on the market.
But there weren't any other cars available on the market.
So, we decided to invite a special guest
to drive the Model T Ford as fast as he could around our test track.
Please welcome Lord Stiglington-Smythe!
So, Lord Stiglington-Smythe, I can reveal your lap time
of two hours, 19 minutes and...
We can't tell you the seconds, stopwatches aren't that accurate.
But I can reveal that puts you top.
Fastest by a good three hours ahead of Sir Pupernickel-Higginbottom,
and Bruce Forsyth.
'Tis the work of the devil!
Unfortunately, that's all for tonight, but join us next week
when I'll be asking the question,
blue cars - are they just a pipe dream?
And we'll have a road trip special
in which all three of us attempt to drive the Model T Ford
from Windsor to Slough non-stop.
'Tis the work of the devil!
Oi! That's my line!
And on that bombshell, thank you for watching! Goodnight.
News just in.
The Government has promised those communities destroyed by the riots
that the BBC will make a drama about them at some stage.
Might have John Simm in it and that bloke from Luther. How exciting.
Steve. I am loving you. Your location is a gift.
It. Is. A. Gift. But your shop is a bloody disaster.
I don't even have a clue what it is you're trying to sell.
Well, it's eggs.
How am I supposed to know that? I'm not psychic.
I just thought, you know, eggs.
So it's an egg stall. I'll have an ostrich egg, please.
-No, no, we don't do, uh...
-A Faberge egg then.
-Obviously, we don't do...
-A dog egg.
-My point is people don't know what you're trying to sell
and when they do magically find out it's eggs,
-you haven't got any variety.
What if a child buys one expecting to find a toy inside?
No toy and you've got a crying child on your hands.
I'll just clean that up.
-Listen, I don't think this is working out.
-Do you know what,
-I've had a think. Your stall's fine. Good luck.
-What? Really? Hang on,
hang on. Where have all those eggs gone?
Some chickens turned up, said they were theirs.
Oi, what's that under your coat?
Oi, get your hands off me! My dad's a copper.
OK, later on The One Show, Steve Bagshaw will be talking
all about the waterborne diseases he's contracted on his expedition to Dagenham.
And Dom Littlewood will be showing us how you can make money
from old junk lying about the house, as he sells his grandmother on eBay.
Seriously? But first this.
No, we're not driving you, you stink.
Mike, could you have a look in the back of your cab?
I think someone might have left some photos. Yeah?
Have a quick look inside, Mike, check they're the right ones.
Yeah, what's it of? Oh, me in the shower?
Yeah, that's right, they're for you. Happy birthday. Hello? Hello?
I think he's crashed.
I thought they were rather tasteful.
Hello, Alan's Cars.
Here's Knowlesy! To replace these tired old doors,
re-plaster the walls in the dining room and generally give this hotel
a little bit of DIY TLC.
No, don't worry, love, the BBC's paying.
I just wanted to drop by and say welcome to Emmerdale.
Oh there you are. I'm Zak. Didn't catch your name.
Ken. Pleasure to meet you.
Pleased to meet you. Hope you like it here. Emmerdale's a quiet place.
Nothing much happens. Well, if we don't count the fires, car crashes,
drownings, murders, storms and explosions.
Armed robberies, suicides, sexual assaults,
mine collapses and plane crashes. We're simple folk.
I'm sure we'll like it very much.
-I mean "I". I'm here all alone.
-HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ABOVE
-Mouse. Big mouse.
Massive, massive mouse.
Aye, right, well, I'll leave you to it then.
I feel like I want to kiss you all over.
Don't be daft. That could take weeks.
I hope we didn't keep the neighbours up with all the noise.
Oh, yeah, sorry about the snoring.
It wasn't that loud. Anyway I had my head between two pillows.
Those weren't pillows.
Is this madness, Ken? Maybe we shouldn't have run away.
We could have just shacked up in Walford or Wetherfield.
Oh, Patricia. Dear, sweet, innocent Patricia.
Maybe we should have a chat about the "innocent".
They would never have understood our love for each other.
Frankly, I find it a bit bizarre myself.
But we can't stay hidden in this secret love nest forever.
We've got to go out and face the world sooner or later.
But why, Pat, why?
We're running out of food.
Our love will keep us full.
They'll cut off the electricity.
Then we'll snuggle together for warmth.
We're out of bog roll.
You're right. We can't stay here forever.
We've got to brave the outside world.
You never know, maybe people won't notice us.
Pat, this is a backward farming community.
We're bound to stick out,
a couple of sophisticated city dwellers like ourselves.
Ah, but to help us fit in, I made these.
Agricultural earrings! Wonderful, and surprisingly small.
I started off with tractor tyres but they kept falling off.
You know, it might just work. Let's go out and try it right now.
All right, but maybe not just yet.
There's been a lot of disasters in Emmerdale, but never an earthquake.
Let's see if we can't cause one, shall we?
Me and Lee have set the date, and Paul,
we were really hoping you would come to the wedding.
Oh, were you now? You're having a laugh!
I'd rather have me prostate checked by Captain Hook.