Episode 6 The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


Episode 6

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PHONE RINGS

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Doris, Doris, I need a drop off at the Palladium

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for the Six Pack of the Year Competition.

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He wants picking up from the gym on Hanwell Street.

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He might be running late so he may already be oiled up

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and in his Speedos.

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You know what, forget it - I've got this one covered.

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Frankly, I'd rather spend the day on my own.

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If you're going to be like that, I'd rather spend the week on my own.

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Why are we even bothering with this? We both know it's over.

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Fine by me!

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Can I help you?

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No, but I can help you.

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I'm Nancy Dell'Olio.

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How can you help us?

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With the words in my head. Listen.

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What you got to do is be true to yourself

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and listen with your heart.

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It will be amazing and fantastic with emotion for you.

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Not for no-one else.

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Ha ha ha!

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It is a gift. To yourself. And you.

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You know, I'd never really thought about it that way.

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Yeah, you've really opened my eyes.

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Thank you, Nancy Dell'Olio.

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You are welcome in my head with your heart.

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She's amazing.

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Yes, I am!

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I'm working on a science programme where the boffins demonstrate

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lots of exciting ways of making me explode.

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It's called Bang Goes The Theo.

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Loosh Women. It's the same as Loose Women, but we're all drunk.

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Well, drunker.

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It's a DIY show - we get loads of building experts in

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and they try to renovate me.

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It's time to meet our next contestant. It's Jeff from Norwich.

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What the! Hang on, you're Phillip Schofield.

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Jeff, welcome to The Cube.

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-'The Cube!'

-But are you brave enough to take on the challenge?

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'Inside The Cube, Jeff will have to try and do a number two

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'while juggling three wobbly jellies

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'and balancing a bowl of custard on his head.

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'But has Jeff got the guts for it?'

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What's going on?

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So, Jeff, are you going to take on The Cube?

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-'The Cube!'

-I'm not in The Cube, I'm on the loo.

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'The Cubicle!'

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He's going to do it, he's going to do battle inside the cubicle!

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'The Cubicle!'

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No, I'm not!

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Good luck, Jeff. But remember, if you fail to complete your challenge

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you won't be getting any toilet paper.

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Oi! Schofield, give that back! I'm not on a game show!

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I'm on the bog!

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'The Bog!'

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Who keeps saying that?

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'Me, I'm in here. I can't flush!

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'I appear to have busted the stopcock.

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'The stopcock!'

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You. Me. Passport.

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We've only just met. You don't even speak English.

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But yes, yes, I will marry you.

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Yeah, you know, if I'm honest I could never love another.

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Cor. he's got nice buns. Oi, what's your name?

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Every year in Britain, hundreds of Katie Price's boyfriends

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are abandoned.

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Having been at her side for literally minutes,

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these poor, frightened men crave media attention.

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Here at the National Organisation for the Rescue of Katie's Squeezes,

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we're dedicated to helping Katie Price's exes

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and giving them the celebrity attention they deserve.

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But we desperately, desperately need your support.

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Just £10 a month will pay for one of these men

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to have his one barely watchable reality TV show.

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Oh, I like a man in uniform. Come here, handsome!

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Since this ad began, two more hapless young men have become Katie's exs.

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They desperately need your help.

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With your help, we can make them feel special again.

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Call the NORKS hotline now.

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Oi, stop playing so hard to get!

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It was unbelievable. The make-up, the dresses, the tantrums.

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That's your fault for agreeing to share a dressing room with Russell Crowe.

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In three, two...

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Hey, coming up on The One Show - are video games getting more violent?

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We speak to a pensioner mugged by one earlier this week.

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And we've the amazing story

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of a man who hasn't seen his brother for 40 years

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after what some are describing as the best game of hide-and-seek ever.

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But first this.

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It was a five-bedroom period property on the market for £800,000.

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But it was far too good for them, so I sold them the dog kennel instead.

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Hello, Kirstie.

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Oh! Hello, Gordon.

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Kirstie, I think you're very good on Location, Location.

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It's Location, Location, Location, actually.

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Really? Are you quite sure?

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Yes, quite.

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Fair dos. I'm not one to get into petty disputes or hold a grudge.

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Anyway, Kirstie, I was wondering if you needed

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any co-presenters on your show, Location, Location.

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-Location.

-Well, I co-present with Phil,

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so I'm fine for co-presenters, actually.

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Are you sure? Because I know an awful lot about the property market.

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I stopped boom and bust. Well, boom, anyway.

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I don't think so, Gordon.

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We try to be upbeat and perky on our show, not glower

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and throw staplers at people.

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Who told you that? Was it Tony?

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Look, I've really got to go.

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Very well. You can keep your show. And for your information, your co-presenter is bald.

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That's right, Kirsten, bald.

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Ah, that is Ronnie Corbett. Ronnie, do you need a new comedy partner?

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Just time for your Weatherview, here's Michael McIntyre.

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Observe, observe. Have you ever observed how the weather forecast is always wrong?

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It's always wrong. I mean, why don't they do an honest forecast?

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This is what they should do. Like, here is tomorrow's weather.

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In the morning, there will be some outbreaks of don't know,

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don't know, don't know and don't know.

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And in the afternoon there will be some more don't know, don't know

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with a strong likelihood of look out the window, it could be anything.

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And in the meantime, in Scotland, it will be raining.

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It is always raining in Scotland, isn't it?

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I've heard ducks having conversations about how wet it is in Scotland.

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In a sort of quack quack, need a brolly, ducky brolly,

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need an umbrella.. Umbrellas - cocktail umbrellas.

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Is the sole purpose of the cocktail umbrella so the Scots can keep rainwater out of their whiskies?

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This is what they are for.

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So, in summary, I will be on tour here, and here, and here, and here

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so expect lots of walking around and walking around

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and vibrating of the hair.

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What's going on now?

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Now, ladies and gentlemen, apparently,

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we are hosting the 2012 Olympiad here in the fair city of...

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London.

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And the eyes of the world shall be upon us

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for the prestigious opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games.

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The director of which really needs no introduction.

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Which is just as well as I haven't got the faintest idea who he is,

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but I'm told he's very imaginative.

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Here is a thingy on the thingy.

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Press the thingy.

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Hello, London.

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I'm Tim Burton, and welcome to Tim Burton's Olympic Opening Ceremony.

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Much the same as any other Olympic opening ceremony, only darker,

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much darker.

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So bleak it makes my soul feel empty.

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The ceremony will showcase, you know,

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a wonderfully morbid variety of "Deathletics" events.

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Hurdles over tombstones. Relays with a severed arm.

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And 10,000 metres digging.

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Straight down to hell.

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And, of course, it wouldn't be Tim Burton's Opening Ceremony

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without Johnny Depp being in it.

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So, please welcome Tim Burton's Olympic mascot, Edward Javelin-Hands!

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Edward Javelin-Hands!

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He will be set on fire by the Olympic Flame

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and spin in the delirium of his pain.

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Truly, this is your most weird and pointlessly sinister work to date.

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My heart flutters like the final twitches of a dying sparrow.

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Be still my scary life partner, be still.

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Right, there we have it. Any questions? No.

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Hello, Alan's Cars. Number 43, where have you been?

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I've got one for you, Terry.

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Can you call on Mrs Clay from 56 Leaden Street at midnight.

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Big knock on the door, Terry, make sure she knows you're there.

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Then again at 1am. Then again at 2am.

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Then every hour until dawn.

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'Has she booked that many cabs?'

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-No, she hasn't booked any cabs.

-'She'll find that annoying.'

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Well, I hope she does find it annoying - serves her right

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for saying I'd put on weight. Cheeky cow!

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Hello, Alan's Cars.

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Countryfile with John Craven and Kerry Katona.

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Basically, we visit the countryside

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and I try to explain to her what cows are.

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And chickens. And horses.

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And everything else.

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I'm doing boxing on Sky.

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Not commentating, I'm fighting the Klitchsko Brothers.

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Both of them. At the same time.

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I'm hosting my own show where the contestants

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have to eat as much as they can in one hour.

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I'm the only contestant.

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So, Paul, how was your holiday in Egypt?

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Don't you talk to me about Egypt!

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Dear, oh, dear, the only pyramids I want to see from now on are the teabags.

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What a dump! Them hieroglyphics are overrated, and all.

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Women with heads of dogs. I've seen better drawings on the toilet wall in prison.

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If I want to see a dog-headed woman, I don't need to go to Egypt!

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You can have plenty of that on a hen night in Morecambe.

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And all of that bleeding sand! Honest to god, it gets in every crack.

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It's like going around wearing underpants made out of sandpaper.

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I'm red raw here!

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You can stick your Cleopatra's Needles where the sun don't shine.

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I'd have more fun if I'd stopped in the departure lounge with a bottle of gin.

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So are you doing anything good for the bank holiday?

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I'd rather gargle with raw sewage!

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Good evening, welcome to the News at Ten.

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I'm Fiona Bruce and you're not, but I won't rub it in.

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I'm joined now by our political editor, Nick Robinson.

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Nick, complaints have been coming into the BBC from keen-eared viewers

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saying you have been inserting song lyrics into your reports. Is that correct?

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Well, Fiona, a senior member of the little men who live

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inside my skull, working the various parts of my body,

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said to me today, in no uncertain terms,

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that this allegation

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is total nonsense. Fiona.

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Well, let's take a look at footage from your recent reports.

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It's been a difficult day for the Tories.

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I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.

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But can he read my poker face?

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Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.

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It's been a difficult day for the Lib-Dems.

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It's not about the money, money, money,

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we don't need your money, money, money.

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But will I make the world dance?

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Can we forget about the price tag?

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Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.

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It's been a difficult day for Labour,

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but the question that remains is this.

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If I lay here, if I just lay here,

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would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

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Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.

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Do you have any explanation to offer?

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I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want,

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is to find out if people actually listen to what I say.

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Or, are my reports just a political version of the weather forecast?

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No, sorry. I didn't get any of that. Must have zoned out.

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Politics, eh?

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Hi, there! You know what, parenting is really hard

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but there's no harder time than during the teething process.

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What? No interruptions? No bursting into song?

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I didn't want to wake them, dear.

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OK, so...

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# Wake up it's a beautiful day

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# And that's the only thing to say. #

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So, teething pains are easy to soothe.

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All you need to do is get hold of some ice.

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We get ours from Everest.

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And rub it on the baby's teeth.

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BABY CRIES

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It's OK, I'll sing him to sleep.

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# Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear. #

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Would you rather I sang Candle in the Wind?

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CRYING

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Hello, how are you, and welcome to a very special The One Show,

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where we are celebrating our 1,000th show!

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CHEERING

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There you go, there you go.

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Yes, we'll be looking back at some of the memorable moments

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from the One Show over the years.

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We sure will, we sure will, like the moment

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-when Dominic What's-his-name did something in somewhere.

-Brilliant!

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And who could ever forget when Clare Thingummy did that thing, you know, with thingy.

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TV gold, total TV gold.

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And when Rav Whojamaflip was wherever he was,

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with whatever doing whatever, whoever.

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Whomever, even. Fab! Don't go away!

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I'm sure I'll find it. Yeah, I'll see you in a minute. All right, bye.

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I'm Nancy Dell'Olio. I'm here to help.

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I'm just a bit lost. I'm trying to find Garland Court.

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Listen and I will-a tell you with-a my words.

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What you got to do is-a look inside your feel.

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Because your heart is the me. And deep down is the whole world.

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The real world in your dream. Where you live.

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There is everything. And there is you.

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And there is everybody. (LAUGHS)

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Because-a life, it is a gift to the people.

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Right. So it's opposite Greggs?

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Yeah, you wanna get bus because it's miles in your dreams with your legs.

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-You're amazing.

-Yes, I am.

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That won't be a problem. Shall I fold the back seat down?

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Mike, I've got a multiple pick-up and delivery.

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There's a big order waiting at the Chinese on Fisher Street,

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and then you can get an extra-large pepperoni pizza from the high street

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and six bottles of wine from the offie.

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And then deliver it all to 56 Barton Road.

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-'The office?'

-Yes, I know that's the office. I'm having a party! Hello?

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I am in the Henderson household about to surprise one of them

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with a very special person.

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-Hello, it's me, Davina, off the telly!

-Oh, my god.

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-Don't panic, deep breaths. Calm down.

-I am calm.

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I'm talking to myself. Right, yes.

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I'm here today to reunite you with someone you haven't seen

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-for yonks and yonks and yonks.

-Is it my brother?

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You see, he moved to Australia ten years ago.

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No, its better than that.

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Mum? Oh, God, it's my mum, isn't it? You see, I was adopted and my mum...

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No, it's not your mum, it's your long lost son, Thomas.

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Hello, Dad! What's going on?

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Wow! This is massive! A brilliant moment for you!

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-Go on then, give him a hug.

-Em, Tommy lives here.

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Yes and we found him upstairs doing his teeth!

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That's because I sent him up there five minutes ago.

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Exactly. Five whole minutes ago, and you haven't seen him since.

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But we found him! Brilliant! So exciting!

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No need to thank us. I know, it's emotional. There, there.

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So emotional. Brilliant! Utterly brilliant.

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Back up to bed, Tommy.

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Oh, no! He's gone again. Lost, again!

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So sad. So sad!

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My next show will be after my operation.

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It's called Mary King of Shops.

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Yeah, I'm in the jungle, you know, with Tom Jones, Michael Caine,

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Stephen Fry, Helen Mirren and Madonna.

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It's called I'm A Genuine Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

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It's a documentary about what's going on in my life right now.

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It's called 'What Katie Did After What Katie Did After What Katie Did Next'.

0:18:250:18:30

TOP GEAR THEME PLAYED ON PIANO OVER CRACKLY RECORD

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Hello and welcome to Top Gear 1910!

0:18:340:18:37

This show is all about cars.

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For those older viewers, I should explain,

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a 'car' is essentially a carriage without a horse.

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-'Tis the work of the devil!

-Ignore Piltdown man.

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He felt the same way about the invention of the wheel.

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This week we got to test drive the new Model T Ford.

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Here's a picture of the car in action.

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As you can see from our photograph, the car's top speed of an incredible

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six miles an hour was way too fast even for our cutting edge cameras.

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'Tis the work of the devil!

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Better top up May's whisky glass. We decided to compare

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the Model T Ford to other cars available on the market.

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But there weren't any other cars available on the market.

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So, we decided to invite a special guest

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to drive the Model T Ford as fast as he could around our test track.

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Please welcome Lord Stiglington-Smythe!

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APPLAUSE

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So, Lord Stiglington-Smythe, I can reveal your lap time

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of two hours, 19 minutes and...

0:19:490:19:56

We can't tell you the seconds, stopwatches aren't that accurate.

0:19:560:20:00

But I can reveal that puts you top.

0:20:000:20:03

Fastest by a good three hours ahead of Sir Pupernickel-Higginbottom,

0:20:030:20:07

Sir Farquharson-Delancy-Postlethwaite

0:20:070:20:09

and Bruce Forsyth.

0:20:090:20:12

'Tis the work of the devil!

0:20:120:20:14

Unfortunately, that's all for tonight, but join us next week

0:20:140:20:18

when I'll be asking the question,

0:20:180:20:20

blue cars - are they just a pipe dream?

0:20:200:20:24

And we'll have a road trip special

0:20:240:20:26

in which all three of us attempt to drive the Model T Ford

0:20:260:20:29

from Windsor to Slough non-stop.

0:20:290:20:32

'Tis the work of the devil!

0:20:320:20:34

Oi! That's my line!

0:20:340:20:36

And on that bombshell, thank you for watching! Goodnight.

0:20:360:20:40

News just in.

0:20:450:20:46

The Government has promised those communities destroyed by the riots

0:20:460:20:50

that the BBC will make a drama about them at some stage.

0:20:500:20:53

Might have John Simm in it and that bloke from Luther. How exciting.

0:20:530:20:57

Steve. I am loving you. Your location is a gift.

0:21:040:21:09

It. Is. A. Gift. But your shop is a bloody disaster.

0:21:090:21:15

I don't even have a clue what it is you're trying to sell.

0:21:150:21:18

Well, it's eggs.

0:21:180:21:21

How am I supposed to know that? I'm not psychic.

0:21:210:21:24

I just thought, you know, eggs.

0:21:240:21:27

So it's an egg stall. I'll have an ostrich egg, please.

0:21:270:21:31

-No, no, we don't do, uh...

-A Faberge egg then.

0:21:310:21:34

-Obviously, we don't do...

-A dog egg.

0:21:340:21:37

-Dog egg?

-My point is people don't know what you're trying to sell

0:21:370:21:42

and when they do magically find out it's eggs,

0:21:420:21:45

-you haven't got any variety.

-OK...

0:21:450:21:48

What if a child buys one expecting to find a toy inside?

0:21:480:21:53

No toy and you've got a crying child on your hands.

0:21:550:21:59

I'll just clean that up.

0:21:590:22:01

-Listen, I don't think this is working out.

-Do you know what,

0:22:060:22:09

-I've had a think. Your stall's fine. Good luck.

-What? Really? Hang on,

0:22:090:22:12

hang on. Where have all those eggs gone?

0:22:120:22:15

Some chickens turned up, said they were theirs.

0:22:150:22:17

Oi, what's that under your coat?

0:22:170:22:19

Oi, get your hands off me! My dad's a copper.

0:22:190:22:22

Oi!

0:22:220:22:24

OK, later on The One Show, Steve Bagshaw will be talking

0:22:270:22:30

all about the waterborne diseases he's contracted on his expedition to Dagenham.

0:22:300:22:35

And Dom Littlewood will be showing us how you can make money

0:22:350:22:38

from old junk lying about the house, as he sells his grandmother on eBay.

0:22:380:22:42

Seriously? But first this.

0:22:420:22:46

No, we're not driving you, you stink.

0:22:460:22:48

Mike, could you have a look in the back of your cab?

0:22:480:22:51

I think someone might have left some photos. Yeah?

0:22:510:22:56

Have a quick look inside, Mike, check they're the right ones.

0:22:560:23:00

Yeah, what's it of? Oh, me in the shower?

0:23:000:23:04

Yeah, that's right, they're for you. Happy birthday. Hello? Hello?

0:23:040:23:11

I think he's crashed.

0:23:110:23:14

I thought they were rather tasteful.

0:23:140:23:17

Hello, Alan's Cars.

0:23:170:23:18

Here's Knowlesy! To replace these tired old doors,

0:23:370:23:40

re-plaster the walls in the dining room and generally give this hotel

0:23:400:23:44

a little bit of DIY TLC.

0:23:440:23:47

No, don't worry, love, the BBC's paying.

0:23:470:23:51

I just wanted to drop by and say welcome to Emmerdale.

0:24:010:24:05

Oh there you are. I'm Zak. Didn't catch your name.

0:24:070:24:10

Ken. Pleasure to meet you.

0:24:100:24:12

Pleased to meet you. Hope you like it here. Emmerdale's a quiet place.

0:24:120:24:16

Nothing much happens. Well, if we don't count the fires, car crashes,

0:24:160:24:19

drownings, murders, storms and explosions.

0:24:190:24:22

Armed robberies, suicides, sexual assaults,

0:24:220:24:25

mine collapses and plane crashes. We're simple folk.

0:24:250:24:28

I'm sure we'll like it very much.

0:24:280:24:30

-"We"?

-I mean "I". I'm here all alone.

0:24:300:24:35

-HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ABOVE

-Mouse. Big mouse.

0:24:350:24:39

Massive, massive mouse.

0:24:390:24:42

Aye, right, well, I'll leave you to it then.

0:24:420:24:45

Ta-ta.

0:24:450:24:47

He's gone.

0:24:480:24:51

ROMANTIC MUSIC

0:24:510:24:55

-Ken.

-Patricia.

0:24:550:24:57

I feel like I want to kiss you all over.

0:24:590:25:02

Don't be daft. That could take weeks.

0:25:020:25:04

I hope we didn't keep the neighbours up with all the noise.

0:25:040:25:07

Oh, yeah, sorry about the snoring.

0:25:070:25:09

It wasn't that loud. Anyway I had my head between two pillows.

0:25:090:25:14

Those weren't pillows.

0:25:140:25:17

Oh, Patricia.

0:25:170:25:18

Is this madness, Ken? Maybe we shouldn't have run away.

0:25:180:25:22

We could have just shacked up in Walford or Wetherfield.

0:25:220:25:25

Oh, Patricia. Dear, sweet, innocent Patricia.

0:25:250:25:30

Maybe we should have a chat about the "innocent".

0:25:300:25:33

They would never have understood our love for each other.

0:25:330:25:36

Frankly, I find it a bit bizarre myself.

0:25:360:25:40

But we can't stay hidden in this secret love nest forever.

0:25:400:25:43

We've got to go out and face the world sooner or later.

0:25:430:25:46

But why, Pat, why?

0:25:460:25:49

We're running out of food.

0:25:490:25:50

Our love will keep us full.

0:25:500:25:53

They'll cut off the electricity.

0:25:530:25:55

Then we'll snuggle together for warmth.

0:25:550:25:57

We're out of bog roll.

0:25:570:26:00

You're right. We can't stay here forever.

0:26:000:26:02

We've got to brave the outside world.

0:26:020:26:04

You never know, maybe people won't notice us.

0:26:040:26:08

Pat, this is a backward farming community.

0:26:080:26:11

We're bound to stick out,

0:26:110:26:13

a couple of sophisticated city dwellers like ourselves.

0:26:130:26:16

Ah, but to help us fit in, I made these.

0:26:160:26:20

Agricultural earrings! Wonderful, and surprisingly small.

0:26:230:26:28

I started off with tractor tyres but they kept falling off.

0:26:280:26:31

You know, it might just work. Let's go out and try it right now.

0:26:310:26:35

All right, but maybe not just yet.

0:26:350:26:39

There's been a lot of disasters in Emmerdale, but never an earthquake.

0:26:390:26:44

Let's see if we can't cause one, shall we?

0:26:440:26:46

Oh, Patricia!

0:26:460:26:48

(GIGGLING)

0:26:480:26:51

Me and Lee have set the date, and Paul,

0:26:560:26:59

we were really hoping you would come to the wedding.

0:26:590:27:02

Oh, were you now? You're having a laugh!

0:27:020:27:04

I'd rather have me prostate checked by Captain Hook.

0:27:040:27:07

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